Original subtitles

Pick up your jacket. Clean up your room.

Eat your broccoli. Wash your hands...

Not in the kitchen. Do it in the bathroom.

Where'd you get the picture?

Don't you remember? He gave it to me when I let him move in with me.

Can I have a shot?

Yeah, aim for his sinuses.

Oh, I got his chin.

Oh, by the way, here are your tickets.

Tickets to what? Theater tickets.

The boss said the off-Broadway critic is ill.

Send him a get-well card.

No. You have to cover the opening of the new play tonight.

Oh, I'm a sportswriter. I'm not a theater critic.

Tell him I'm not going to do it.

You tell him.

You're my secretary!

It's his paper.

It has to be in by midnight. Midnight?

And he says you'd better give it your best shot.

What does he think? I can't do it?

I'll write a review that'll knock his socks off.

Like you did when you reviewed the flower show?

What was the matter with that?

"They smell good"?

Well, they did.

"I Never Saw a Mockingbird That Laughed at a Painted Dog.

A musical fable by Brice Longfellow."

I can't even understand the tickets.

That's all I need... More aggravation.

I'll write a bad review and then he'll fire me.

Where am I gonna find a sucker

that I can con into doing this for... me...?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You know, Felix, I was looking fondly

at that thank-you picture you gave me,

and I thought, all the things you do for me.

Look, you cook for me. You clean for me.

All I do is complain and make trouble for you.

I'm not going to do it anymore.

I'm going to appreciate you from now on.

I don't know what to say, you-you big galoot.

Don't say anything.

Just let me sit here and hate myself.

I'm going to start making it up right now.

Look, I got tickets for us for the theater tonight.

Oh, I can't go.

Why not?

I've got a date with Miriam tonight.

Where you going?

You know us: we're the now generation.

We don't make plans. We go, baby. We swing.

But see, these are tickets for an opening tonight.

Yeah, but as I said, I've got a date. I can't go.

Hey, why don't you take Miriam with you.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

Oh, please, let me do it for you.

Then I won't hate myself so much.

Please, buddy.

I'm so ashamed.

You're a... you're a real person, you know that?

Look, I want you to enjoy yourself

and look at everything very closely.

I want to share it with you, okay?

I'll tell you all about it when I get home.

Yes. And make sure you come home before midnight. Why?

Well, it's very dangerous out there after midnight.

I worry about you.

You're a pussycat. You know that?

Hey, I'd better call Miriam and tell her. Okay.

Eat your broccoli. Yeah.

You spilled something on your tie.

Wipe it off. Use your napkin.

Eat your dinner. It's going to get cold.

It's 11:30. Where've you been?

I've been to the theater.

The show broke two hours ago.

So? We went out for a bite to eat.

Who said you you could go out for a bite to eat?

I just told you could go to the theater.

What's wrong with you?

I paid for the food.

Listen, how'd you like the play?

Hmm... What do you mean? What...?

How do you write, "Hmm"?

Felix, it's a quarter to 12:00.

I want to talk to you.

Well, come in.

Felix, do you think it's fair? Hmm?

A man spends years writing a musical fable

and you go "hmm."

Don't you think you ought to embellish it?

Shouldn't you have more respect for the artist?

Respect for the artist? Yeah.

The last time I took you to the theater,

you went... to Helen Hayes.

Well, a man can change.

I love her now.

I want to get some culture.

Will you tell me about it?

Well, I thought the part of the alcoholic nephew

was very well portrayed by Werner...

Werner who?

Werner Klemperer?

Werner Von Braun? Werner who?

Smith. Werner who?

Werner Smith. Werner Smith?

All right, all right, now, the drugstore's closed.

I want to know all about the play,

And I want you to sum up in one paragraph and fast.

One paragraph? Yes.

Well, it's like Oklahoma,

only it uses symbolism to tell the story of America's growth. Symbolism...

Yeah. Oklahoma...

I particularly liked the use of six dwarfs

to represent New Jersey...

All the cities. Six dwarfs in New Jersey.

I thought that was very clever.

Trenton got two standing ovations.

Trenton... six dwarfs, New Jersey, Oklahoma...

The scenery was... Was what?

Was what?! Was what?!

What was it?!

Striking.

Striking scenery... striking scenery...

got six dwarfs and you got...

The lyrics were saucy. Saucy lyrics, saucy lyrics.

And I thought the acting had both verve and panache.

That's all I'm going to need. Thank you very much.

Good night, fella.

Copy desk.

Yeah, hi, Frank. This is Oscar.

Yeah, I just got back from the show.

Well, I stopped to have a bite to eat.

Okay, here it comes.

Oklahoma, move over.

Last night saucy lyrics flowed

from Brice Longfellow's pen in what may prove to be

the surprise hit of the season.

The acting had... verve and panache.

"Panache."

What are you doing?

Just reading your theater review.

You've already read it eight times.

I know. I love it.

It's so well written.

I know.

How does it feel sitting in the theater

knowing you're going to review the play?

I don't want to talk about it.

I said I could do it.

I proved I could, so I don't want to talk about it.

Let's drop it, okay?

Mr. Madison's office.

Yes, sir.

It's the boss.

Yes, Mr. Williams.

Well, thank you very much, sir.

Well, I'm glad you...

Yes, I'm very glad you enjoyed...

Yeah, but... Yeah, but... Yeah, but...

Yeah, but...

Whatever pleases you, sir... Thank you.

He loved it?

So much that I'm going to be doing it

for the next three weeks till the regular critic gets back.

Oh, boy, am I proud.

A theater critic.

Now I can hold my head up high at the water cooler.

What's the matter?

Up to now you were ashamed of me?

Yeah.

Myrna, can I trust you?

Mr. M, don't say anything that will diminish you in my eyes.

Then forget it.

Good. You're not diminished.

Stop the presses!

What are you doing here? Hi, Mr. Unger.

Just came by to take you to lunch.

You too, Myrna. Great.

I want to thank you

for those wonderful theater tickets last night. Don't mention it.

Did you go to the play with Mr. M?

Yeah, well, he didn't... he didn't go.

I took Miriam.

Boy, am I hungry. Let's go.

You didn't go to the theater?

No, but I think he's sorry

because he asked me a million questions about it.

Was he interested!

I just remembered we have a lot of work to do. You just said you were hungry.

Well, I am hungry, so why don't you go down to Kelly's.

You order for us, okay?

And then we'll be down just in time.

Are you mad at me? No!

Is Myrna mad at me? No!

Somebody's mad at me. Will ya...

What are you looking at?

Feet of clay.

Feet of cuh-lay.

Leave me alone. I was desperate.

What are you going to do,

keep sending Mr. Unger to the theater for you?

Why not? He loves it.

It's dishonest.

Why don't you tell him the truth? Ask him to help.

Are you crazy?

And get one of Felix's famous three-hour lectures?

"Pride goeth before a fall.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave."

And then for his big finish:

"Now, I know your true colors, Oscar."

And then he ends up not doing it anyway.

No, sir, this is going to be our little secret now.

Okay. Okay.

You know, Mr. M, I've been typing up your column

for five years and that's the best thing you've ever written.

Too bad you didn't write it.

I should have known from "panache."

Will you go already!

Good morning, old buddy.

Hey, listen, before I forget:

I want to give you your theater tickets for this evening.

Say, I, I'm not so sure I want to go to the theater tonight.

What are you talking about? You love the theater.

Yeah, but every night for two weeks in a row.

It's only for one more week. That's all.

How come?

Well, you know the guy who's been giving us the tickets? Yeah.

He's dying.

Oh, no.

Who knows how many more openings

you're going to be invited to, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I have seen some good shows, though.

You sure have.

Like that one that opened Wednesday night.

The musical version of the Louis-Schmeling fight.

It was really good.

I thought you hated that.

Well, I've been thinking it over.

There was one song in there that I liked a lot,

"My Glass Jaw."

It was really good. I liked it.

It's too bad the show closed.

Well, what's the matter with you?

If you liked it, why didn't you say so?

I'm saying so.

Now I want to ask you something.

Who is your off-Broadway critic?

Hmm?

His column is never signed.

Well, he doesn't like publicity.

See, he's shy. He's a fat guy with a moustache...

Well, he shouldn't be. He is brilliant.

This man is brilliant.

Remember last night, when I came home,

you asked me what I thought.

I said that I thought the show was pathetic.

I called it stale,

flat, and unprofitable. Listen to this.

"Last night's effort was regrettably pathetic.

To me, it was stale, flat, and unprofitable."

That's a very perceptive critic.

Yeah, well, you like him because he agrees with you; that's all.

Well, that's good enough, isn't it? Yeah, well...

I'm gonna go shave, okay? You didn't eat your eggs.

Oh, yeah, listen. I'll make a sandwich.

I'll eat it... Look what he's doing!

How can you live that way?

Hello.

No, I'm sorry. Oscar's busy right now.

Can I take a message?

You want his review in by 11:15 tonight.

All right, I'll tell him. Bye.

Oscar?

Got a minute?

Yeah. You good?

I'm out. Can I talk to you?

Yeah. Come on in.

Ahh.

Shaving, huh?

Yeah. What is it?

Got a phone call.

Take a message?

Yeah, yeah.

Who was it? Your editor.

Ow!

Ah, you cut yourself, huh?

Yeah, look at me.

What did he want?

A little change in plans. Huh?

He wants your review in by 11:15 tonight.

Do you want to hear a funny story

that happened at the newspaper...?

I know what happened!

You thought you could make some extra money

by conning your roomie into doing reviews for you.

Money had nothing to do with it. Oh, really?

You're not getting extra money for this?

Yeah, I'm getting a little bit, but that isn't...

No, see, the editor asked me to do it.

Then it became a challenge.

I had to save face at the paper.

Ooh... ooh, Oscar.

Pride goeth before a fall.

Here comes the lecture.

Felix, I was only supposed to do it once...

Mm-hmm... but my first review was so good...

Ah, ah, ah, wait, excuse me.

Your first review? Okay,

your first review. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they asked me to do it three times for three weeks.

Well, how could I say no?

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Oh, will you cut it out?

It wasn't easy for me.

Trying to make coherent paragraphs

out of your opinions. Excuse me.

My opinions are incoherent? That's right.

This from a man who leaves a sandwich on the soap?

It's a clean place, isn't it?

You used me, Oscar!

You picked my brain.

Oh... now I know your true colors.

Okay, now you had your big finish.

Oscar, why didn't you come to me and tell me the truth?

Would you have done it if I did?

No, I would not.

That's why I gave you another look

at my true colors.

So you gave your roommate that hokey story

about doing him a favor, huh?

Well, stop the gravy train.

Here's where little Felix gets off.

From now on, you can sling your own hash,

starting tonight.

Go ahead.

Who needs you?!

I learned a lot in the last two weeks.

I can review this thing by myself.

A revival.

Homulus, The Mute by Jean Anou...

Oh, I can't even pronounce the tickets.

Will you cut it out? I'm trying to read the play.

Say, I've got a wonderful idea.

Why don't you just go to the opening tonight

like all the other reviewers?

Why does it have to be Homulus, The Mute?

Why couldn't it be Damn Yankees?

All right, Felix, come on.

Let's put our cards on the table.

How much money you want to write this review?

Oh, boy, are you crude.

Okay, I'm crude.

I'm desperate, so I'm crude.

I don't want to be laughed off the paper.

Tough toenails!

Okay, I'm beat.

I'm beat and I know it.

I'll call the paper. I'll confess everything.

Knock it off.

Yeah, in six or seven years,

maybe I'll be able to live it down,

but I'll tell you one thing that I really regret:

the paper not getting your reviews.

Nobody gives reviews like you, Felix.

Tell it to the Marines!

You should see the fuss they made

over every one of your reviews.

Yeah? The editor, please.

Yeah, the publisher himself called me to congratulate me.

He said the reviews reminded him of George Jean Nathan.

That's very interesting.

I, I pattern my style after George Jean Nathan.

Yeah.

I don't want to see you lose that power.

Yeah, Mr... yes... What power? What power?

Yes, I'll hold. Hang up. Hang up.

Wait a minute. What power?

Oh, come on, Felix.

Surely you know now that your word is law,

that you are now a tastemaker.

I'm a tastemaker?

You have the power of life and death.

Well, that's terrible.

Why?

That show that opened Wednesday

that I didn't like until Saturday?

It closed Thursday.

I put 37 actors out of work.

Yeah, but you did it so beautifully.

Oh, I'm sick. Oh, I'm sick. I'm sick.

What about the show you reviewed two weeks ago?

A hundred actors.

That's still running because of your review.

Yeah? Sure.

That's what, 37 actors from a hundred?

You're 63 actors ahead.

They even put your review up in lights.

“Bright and bouncy,” New York Herald.

Really? Sure.

That's my "bright and bouncy"?

Of course it is.

Well, that-that's not very ethical, is it?

Isn't, isn't that defrauding the public?

Well, see, that'll be our little secret. Yeah?

What do you say? Come on, Mr. First-Nighter, huh?

You know me.

I'm a sucker for art.

All the world's a stage

and all the men and women merely players.

And I can put 'em all out of work.

Ah...

I never was the last one to come out of the theater.

You're waiting for me.

Forget about it. I had to go to the bathroom.

Tell me about the play.

Well, it's essentially a...

Oh. One what? One what?

Look.

It's... it's Doc Simon.

Neil Simon, the playwright. Yes.

Oh, Doc Simon.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Neil Simon, the playwright. Yes, that's me.

Everyone who knows anything about him calls him Doc Simon.

I want your autograph. I'm just...

Hang on. I think I must have a thing to write on.

Oh, here, just... on this if, if you don't mind.

Right there.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank... oh, you've got my pen. You've got my pen, please!

Will you forget about the pen? It's not important, the pen.

The play... I want you to tell me about the play.

That's Doc Simon.

What are you doing here?

I'm writing some Sunday articles on theater.

That way, after the regular guy comes back,

you and I will still be in the paper.

Your reviewing days are over. Wha-wha-what are you doing?!

Over. You're finished. You're through. Washed up.

Why?!

The paper wants me to appear on television

as their representative on a panel discussion about theater.

Well, that's a great idea. Are you crazy?

I can't go on there.

I'll make a jackass of myself.

That's right. You would.

I'll go on for you.

What good would that do?

Remember, my editor knows what I look like.

Aw... I'll just have to call the paper

and tell everybody the truth, that's all.

What a rotten break.

Just when I was getting hot.

Look who's upset.

I'm gonna be the laughingstock

of the whole paper industry.

No more opening nights. Ah... I don't know what...

No more "bright and bouncy."

I'm gonna have to change cities.

Who would have thought

my song would end so soon?

Felix, will you cut it out.

Light bulb. You got an idea.

What is it?

Are you desperate enough to go along

with the stupidest, worst, silliest idea I ever had?

Do I have to wear a dress?

No.

Then I'll do it.

Good evening, my name is John Barbour.

Welcome to this week's edition of Speak Out.

Tonight's topic: theater in America:

where it's been and where it's going.

We have with us this evening

some of the most widely read critics in the country.

They are, on my immediate right,

from New York Magazine, John Simon;

to John's right, the nationally syndicated critic from NEA

who also uniquely doubles as an actress, Joan Crosby;

to Joan's right, from the Los Angeles Times,

the astute theater critic Dan Sullivan;

to my immediate left, from the New York Herald,

Oscar Madison;

and to Mr. Madison's left is his dentist...

Dr. Felix Unger.

Uh, Doctor, if I understood you correctly...

backstage,

you said this afternoon you had to remove

all of Mr. Madison's back teeth?

That's right, John.

Mr. Madison can only mumble,

but trouper that he is, he insisted on being here,

so he will mumble his insights to me

and I will pass them along to Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch.

Thank you both, Doctor.

I would like to begin with, uh, John Simon.

Ah.

Uh, John...

where would you say theater stands today in,

in relation to the rest of the media?

Well, there's no doubt in my mind

that for most American people today,

theater has been completely superseded by film.

How can you say a thing like that?

Nothing will ever replace theater.

As Mr. Madison says,

the immediacy, the excitement of the theater...

People will come back to that.

Well, true, but I think today's audience finds more

of that immediacy in television.

Television?!

How, how can you compare theater...?

How can you compare Gomer Pyle with Olivier?

Pardon me, we have to, have to take a brief break

right now for our first commercial.

We'll be right back.

Mr. Madison, when we come back,

do you think we could hear some of your opinions

and not your dentist's?

Joan...

I-I'm wiping up the floor with those people.

Felix, what's the matter with you?

It's supposed to look

like I'm the one that's doing the thinking.

Maybe I'm going too far,

but these squares don't know what they're talking about.

Felix, if you say one more word

that doesn't look like it's coming from my mouth,

I'm going to remove all of your back teeth.

Five seconds.

On the air.

Welcome back to Speak Out.

Joan, what would you say is...

is one of the most significant developments

in recent modern theater?

Well, for one,

I think seeing Brando in Streetcar revolutionized...

How can you say a thing like that?

Theater is not revolutionary, my dear child.

Theater is evolutionary.

Brilliant point.

Well, yes, but a great event like Streetcar gives us a...

That's your idea of a great event?

Yes, yes, it is.

You probably went ape over his body.

Well, what do you expect?

You give a woman a column, that's what's gonna happen.

Oh, Mr. Madison!

You are about the rudest,

most backward man I have ever met.

If you will forgive me, gentlemen...

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen!

Look, Mr. Madison,

do we have to drag personalities into this?

He's right. He's right.

I came here to talk about the theater.

Theater?

You call what you've got in Los Angeles theater?

Yes, I call that theater. You do?

It's good theater. I cover it, and I'm proud of it.

I think I'm going to join Miss Crosby.

Excuse me. Uh, okay.

Uh, John...

Of course, of course. Thank you.

Mr. Madison, I'm not surprised

to find you a perfect boorish clod.

I read most of your reviews

and have found them virtually without any value whatever.

Mr. Madison would like to respond.

He says, "Your mother wears combat boots."

John, there's no point in going on with this.

Mr. Madison, you've succeeded in insulting three

of the most respected critics in this country.

Hopefully, after this brief word,

we'll see if we can get them to return.

Well... what do you think, eh?

I wish I had worn the dress.

Did you talk to your editor?

Yeah, I called my editor.

Yeah?

Is he mad at you?

Sure, he's mad at me. Uh-oh.

He saw the show last night,

but I apologized, and he's not going to fire me.

I'm glad you did the right thing.

I realize I... I may have gone a little bit too far.

I may have said one or two things

that possibly could be misinterpreted.

May have? Possibly?

Well, something like... Yeah.

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

That could be taken two ways.

Anyway, I've tried to do the right thing.

I've written letters of apology

to Mr. Simon, Mr. Sullivan, Mr. Barbour, and Miss Crosby.

Good.

I think one more apology is due.

What's that?

One from you to me.

What for, Dr. Unger?

It seems to me that when one has used the deceit,

the chicanery, the underhandedness that you used

in tricking me into this entire fandango,

that an apology is due.

All right, maybe you're right. So I owe you an apology.

I apologize. I thought you might feel that way,

so I wrote it up.

You wrote a note of apology for me to sign?

Yes.

I accept your mark.