Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Association

for the Advancement of Commercials and Advertising,

I would like to welcome you

to the tenth annual Dink Award Dinner.

As you know, each year, we honor the best commercial

with this trophy, The Dink.

Named in honor of our father of modern advertising,

Sidney B. Dink...

who, in 1855,

revolutionized our infant industry

with his slogan, "You want to buy this?"

Hi, Felix.

Murray.

What are you doing here?

I just finished a report for a car accident down the street.

Ah.

Nobody hurt, I hope.

No, I'm fine.

The patrol car will be fixed by tomorrow.

Hey, did you get your award yet?

No, they've just started.

Ah.

Where's Oscar?

He's not here.

Oh, late again, huh?

Good old Oscar.

No, he's not coming.

Lost his ticket, huh?

He tore up his ticket and threw it in my face.

Oh.

He said I was a low, despicable, vile man,

completely devoid of morals, ethics and scruples.

Don't feel bad, Felix. You know how Oscar is.

He gets mad, and he says dirty things.

The only difference is that this time he's right.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I did a terrible thing, Murray.

Ladies and gentlemen...

You want to talk about it?

You could tell me; I'm your friend.

I broke the law.

Face the wall, Unger!

Murray!

Oh.

I'm sorry, Felix.

I'm like a coiled spring.

Go ahead, tell your story, citizen.

Well, this whole mess began about six months ago.

I-I took a photographic assignment

at the Fat A Way diet pill company.

I know you and Felix have been awfully good to me,

but I really want out of the contract.

All right, Ben,

let's look over your hill and...

Let's-let's look over your hill and see where you stand.

You want out of the contract you just signed, right?

Yes, I do.

As they say in Paris, France, "uh-uh."

Does Felix know about this?

No.

Then I don't want to know about it either.

Hello, Mr. Hooper.

Hi, Felix.

Here's your 1:00 appointment.

Well, how's my favorite cousin?

Oh, not too good, Felix.

Aw, what's the matter?

You're all upset, aren't you?

Relax, relax.

Everything's going to be all right.

Here, have a taffy.

Your "before" picture came out absolutely great.

Is it all right if I cover this concept?

Sure.

Look at this.

Look at that... Every chin in perfect focus.

I can't wait till you take off the weight

and we take the "after" picture.

Felix, I give you four bells for that shot.

Four bells, wow!

It's a crying shame we can't use the picture.

Why not?

Ask your chubby cousin here.

He doesn't want to lose the weight with my pills!

Ben, why?

Oh, he's got a chance to get into professional wrestling.

Going to call himself Super Fat.

Super Fat?

What is this, a joke?

No.

I gave your little cousin Dimples here

$3,000 advance.

He spent $2,500 of it on sequined leotards.

Ben!

Oh, shame on you.

Well, I could be a contender, Felix.

Oh, you're going to prison for this, lardo.

Even if they have to knock out a wall to fit you into a cell!

Prison? This is business!

Wait, now, let's-let's- let's not be hasty.

Ben, let me talk to Mr. Hooper alone.

It's not too far from ad man to mad man, you know.

You're the best cousin a cousin ever had.

Here, have another taffy.

He's been a problem in the family

ever since he was this big.

You don't have to tell me about fat.

I'm a former fatty!

I worked hard to lose this waistline.

Then you should have some compassion.

Felix, the ad is due in the printer's tonight.

I've got a board of directors waiting to sit on my bell.

Either you find another tubbo fast,

or your cousin becomes the fat man of Alcatraz.

I've got one. I've got... Got one what?

I got a fat guy for you.

Well, where is he? Right here.

Fat guy in your wallet? Yes.

Two bells for the fat guy in your wallet.

Look.

Now, that's championship chubs.

That-that's the way I used to look.

Who is it? That's my roommate, Oscar.

You mean you live in the same barn with this thing?

No, no, that-that was taken eight years ago.

He's lost a lot of weight.

What, he's one of us now? Yeah, yeah.

Well, why do you still carry this picture with you?

For laughs.

I show it at parties.

You're really a good friend.

Oh, yeah.

He loves it when I tease him. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, if he's thin now, how can we use him?

Simple.

We use this picture as "before."

Then we take a picture of him as he is now for today.

That will be the "after," see?

It's simple.

That's totally dishonest, isn't it?

We can't do that.

I like it.

But, uh, is it ethical?

Uh, sure, it's ethical.

A lot of people do it. Then we'll do it.

Sure. Well, get your roommate on the phone,

have him sign a release.

Aw, he... I can't.

He's out of town.

I feel like a rat in a maze,

butting my head against walls!

First, you bring your fat cousin in here!

He quits on me!

We decide on your roommate, and he's out of town!

You're going to drive me to food.

Okay.

Soon as he gets back, I'll talk him into it.

I can talk him into anything.

He can have the $500 your cousin left over.

For $500, he'd pose naked.

This is a family pill.

Let me see, what took place here?

Let me run it through my computer.

Gonna use the cousin, he's too fat, he's not fat, gonna go.

Gonna use the roommate, he's okay,

he's out of town, we'll use him anyway.

Gonna have the $500 extra.

I did good. Five bells for me.

Oh.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

301 pounds of fun.

All of it potato chips.

Hi, Felix.

There he is, Mr. Travel Guy!

Welcome home!

How was San Francisco?

I think I got trolley lash.

Where's your luggage?

I didn't take any.

Except socks, that's all.

You didn't take any luggage to San Francisco?

Well, I was only there for two days.

Did you at least take a toothbrush?

Of course, of course I took a toothbrush.

You're some guy, you know that?

You're easygoing.

Will-o'-the-wisp Madison. Yes, I'm will-o'-the-wisp.

Look at this, a warning from Blanche's lawyer.

$280 back alimony or I go to jail.

I got your favorite snack: cookies and ketchup.

Sit down, relax.

Dip away. I'll get you a beer.

Felix.

What?

What?

What is this?

What's what? This.

Oh, that! Yeah! Oh!

Yeah, that's, uh, that's a blowup of an ad I'm working on.

Felix, under those glasses and mustache there is me.

That's you all over.

Felix, what is

this old photo of me doing in this ad?!

Hey, is this all over New York?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Next week.

Felix, no next week.

I don't want the whole world to know

that once I looked like Moby Dick.

Moby Dick. That's r...

You-you're something.

I want an explanation, Felix.

Isn't that just like you?

You're so predictable.

You come in, you see that picture

and you want an explanation.

I tell you, Oscar, the things that happen to me,

I should write a book.

Isn't it interesting how the most complex things in life

turn out to be simple.

You know my cousin Ben?

Ben? Yeah.

Oh, Ben, you know, Ben, Ben.

Yeah, well, don't mince words.

Uh, the beach ball.

Yeah.

Anyway, if we don't use that ad, Ben goes to jail.

Sounds reasonable.

Why didn't you ask me before you did a thing like this?!

Didn't I try.

Why don't you tell me

where you're staying out of town?

Guess.

Oscar, three words: trust me, please.

Felix, 19 words:

I'm never gonna do it if you dance the Bolero on my nose! No!

That was 11 words, but I'm not count... you're mad.

It means a lot to me. It's very important.

It means a lot to me that nobody sees this photo!

This happened when I got my divorce.

I was upset, I ate a lot, I mean, I got fat.

It was embarrassing.

I mean, I didn't wear glasses and a mustache for nothing.

Please. No!

Now, either you kill that ad or I kill you, you understand?

All right.

Just tell Mr. Hooper you don't want the money, that's all.

Again, money. You didn't mention money before.

Spanish-American War you mention,

but you didn't mention money.

What are you doing? Cross your name off the envelope.

Don't cross my name off.

That's like reading my mail.

That says Oscar Madison.

Must be something in there...

There's money in here.

There's $500?

Yeah.

Just for being El Colosso here?

Yeah.

What's the catch?

No catch.

You mean, that's all there is to it?

Yeah. Well, besides that I have to take

a picture of you now, and that's "after."

You see? Before and after.

Oh.

Why doesn't it sound honest to me?

Isn't that funny?

It didn't sound honest to me either at first,

but it's absolutely ethical.

Lots of people do it.

And it is a good product.

That's important, it is.

All right. Listen, I'll go along with it,

but I don't want to do anything dishonest.

I don't blame you. Okay.

Listen, can you keep this off the books,

so I won't have to declare it?

Hey. Got your message and came right over.

Oh, I-I've got good news, I've got bad news.

Yeah? Yeah? First, the bad news.

What? Advertising Committee is sending

a man named Doyle over to make sure our ad isn't fraudulent.

But you said a lot of people do it.

Well, of course; that's why they're trying to stop it.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. I knew we'd get in trouble.

I knew it, I knew it. Just try to help somebody.

I've been such a good boy all my life.

Felix, the... the investigator isn't concerned

about the magazine ad.

He isn't? No.

Then what am I carrying on for?

He's concerned about the TV commercial.

What? What TV commercial?

The one that you're going to direct.

Me?

Oh, boy, I'm going to direct a TV commercial!

That's the good news. Give yourself a bell.

Oh, wow!

Yes.

Our magazine ad was such a smash

we bought time on every TV station in New York.

A TV comm... Yeah.

We'll use a different model then, huh?

Oh no, we'll still use your former blimp roomie.

We've already got billboards up

saying "O.M. is coming to TV."

Well, how can we do that?

He's not, he's not fat anymore.

He's one of us. I won't do it.

Felix, how is it going to look?

The investigator's on his way over...

We cancel the commercial...

not too kosherinio.

Boy, this is my Watergate.

We're in big trouble.

Now relax.

Felix, I've got it all figured out.

I've got a great idea.

I love it. How many bells?

No! Don't touch my bell...

not unless I give you permission.

Give this, to Oscar.

Oh, oh, no, he'd never do this in a hundred years.

There's another $500 in it for him.

That's his price.

Wrong color.

Who needs a tie?

Play it again, Sam.

Hi, Felix. Hi.

Like it?

Hard to believe, isn't it,

you can get a fit like this right off the rack, huh?

Only $29.29.

Too loud for you? You don't like it, eh?

No, it's...

It's clean... that's the important thing.

I'm glad you like it.

I've got a blind date with a swinging stewardess tonight.

She'll be here in about an hour.

Here? Yeah.

Who fixed you up?

The travel agent.

They'll do anything to get you to fly.

Oh, you dirty guy... Yeah.

Felix, I want to tell you how I thank you for that money,

it came at the right time.

I paid all my bills. I got this beautiful jacket and...

well, I had enough left to...

well, get you a little something,

to show my appreciation. Oh, no, now...

Aw, come on, now, you've got to accept it.

Come on, will ya?

Oh, that's very, very... Hmm... Eh?

Isn't... isn't that different?

It's too nice to wear. Oh, come on.

Well, Santa isn't dead.

You're kidding, my name again on an envelope? Yeah.

Money. Uh-huh.

I can't believe it. $500?!

Mr. Hooper at Fat A Way said he thought you deserved it.

Again, I don't have to do anything?

No, well... It's just one little thing.

Give me back my tie.

Don't be shy.

This is ridiculous!

It's not ridiculous. You're being ridiculous.

Now, come on.

Will you stop laughing?!

You look great!

I feel like I've been blown up by a bicycle pump.

No, it's wonderful. No, it's not.

This reminds me of when I was really fat.

Now I'm gonna go change.

No, you took the money, didn't you?

Oh, stop laughing.

The man will be here, the investigator.

It's only for 30 minutes.

30 minutes is too long to look like Mount McKinley.

There he is. Now come on, put it on.

Now, now, big smile. Think fat.

What do you want me to do... think thin?

Hello, Mr. Hooper.

Hi, Felix.

Let's get this over with.

Oh, this is Mr. Doyle, huh?

Absolutely not.

I'm Mr. Doyle.

Why don't you step up and meet our model, Mr. O.M.

Yea, Mr. Doyle, why don't you go take a hike around him?

Okay.

Is he in any condition to make a judgment?

The best possible condition.

I took him to every bar in town.

Four bells for el drunko.

Nothing phony about this guy, huh, Mr. Doyle?

He's got his own zip code.

I'd like to see Evel Knievel jump over him.

Ding, ding.

Would you mind taking off your coat?

Uh, Mr. Doyle, how about a little trip to the well?

Right down the hall.

Oh, not that kind of well... this well.

Here you are, Mr. Doyle, how about in a glass this time.

It'll be unique. Okay.

This way, come on.

Oh, that must be my date!

All right.

Hello. Hello, I'm Ann.

Come in, Ann.

Nice to meet you.

You're cute. Thank you.

Boy, am I relieved.

You don't know I was so scared to take this blind date.

I meet so many kooks and weirdos, you know? Uh-huh.

You look real straight, Mr. Madison.

I'm straight as an arrow, and I'm not Mr. Madison.

You're not? No. This is Mr. Madison.

Oh!

Hello.

Hi.

My friend said you were quite a guy.

And I'm cute, too.

See, I'm not really this fat.

Well, it doesn't really matter,

as long as you're not a cuckoo bird.

Oh no, no, no. I'm not a cuckoo bird, and see... I'm thin.

I'm wearing a fat suit.

A fat suit? Yeah.

Wait, I'll show you.

I'll show you my real... Put it back...

No, I can't, I gotta show it...

She thinks I'm fat. I'm not fat.

Excuse me, I've got an unscheduled flight.

He's really a fat man. No, I'm not.

Do you want to see my real stomach?

Good-bye, weirdos!

Why do you always act crazy in front of girls?

Okay, Mr. Doyle, you've seen him walk.

You've heard him talk.

We'll be on our way now.

Why, you don't even have to be here tomorrow when we shoot the commercial.

Oh, that's too bad.

You got the well?

Yeah, got it right here.

Good work, four bells.

That Hooper is a real weirdo.

He's a real weirdo?

I'm walking around here dressed up like Dumbo with a bow tie,

and he's a weirdo?

I've never been so humiliated in...

I'll never see that girl again.

Take it easy, big guy. Don't call me that anymore!

And what is this thing about a commercial

that Doyle was talking about?

It's, nothing to get excited about.

When you talk like that, I really get excited. Now what is it?

Nothing, nothing. What?

A little 60-second thing we're doing.

You wear your fat suit... No, no, we're not... I'm not doing it!

$500. I don't care, I wouldn't do it.

For $500? No, I wouldn't do it for nothing!

All right, will you listen to me, please? Am I a dignified man?

What's that got to do with anything?

Perhaps even bordering on the stuffy? Way over the border.

I'm the kind of man who takes pride in his dignity, right? So?

I'm groveling. Look at me, I'm on my knees.

Have you ever seen me like this? Please, Oscar...

You're making a fool of yourself!

My cousin Ben will go to jail. I'll go to jail.

You'll go to jail as an accomplice!

Think of tunneling out with Ben.

All right, I'll do it!

What are you laughing about?

If you could see what I see!

You look like the Goodyear Blimp with a hat on it!

You ready?

Oscar, you standing by? Yes.

All right, now, crew, give me your attention.

We're working with a very inexperienced actor.

I don't know if he's got more than one real take in him,

so we've got to rehearse this on film.

Everybody, all right... position.

Cue cards a little higher.

Roll 'em.

Action!

Hello, I'm a dramatization of a doctor.

I've been called to the home of Mr. O.M.

of the Bronx.

A meticulously well-kept place as you can see.

I'm here on behalf of the Fat A Way Diet Pill Company,

the company that offers relief to this man

and others like him.

In three months, through the miracle of Fat A Way,

this person will become an individual instead of a group.

I wonder, do any of you have these problems?

Do you have trouble touching your toes?

Are you unable to raise your hands?

This could cost you your life in a holdup.

Is sitting down a problem?

Is getting up also a problem?

Are you embarrassed to tap dance?

When was the last time you tried a cartwheel?

If you have these difficulties, try Fat A Way.

Watch for Mr. O.M., in three months,

when he will touch his toes, sit, dance and cartwheel

his way into your heart.

And, cut!

Thank goodness that's over.

One more time, fellas, he blew it. What?!

You didn't do the cartwheel.

Felix, I'm gonna kill you!

Take five, crew.

Gosh, Felix, that's a great story.

I'm really quite touched.

Ladies and gentlemen,

and now in the category of the Best New Product Commercial

of the Year, the nominees are:

Eggmeyer's Easyflow Ketchup...

Superstick Glue...

and Fat A Way Diet Pills.

And now the winner

of the Best New Product Commercial of the Year.

The winner is... Fat A Way Diet Pills.

Felix, I'm proud of you. Better take a seat.

Accepting the award, Mr. Lyle Hooper,

President of Fat A Way

and the director of the commercial,

Mr. Felix Unger.

Mr. Unger, this is yours, I believe.

Thank you.

We at Fat A Way feel honored.

This is just round one in our fight against fat.

Thank you.

Ditto.

No, no ditto.

I don't deserve this.

I'm a fake; I'm a fraud.

O.M. is not really a fat man.

He's got a bit of a pot, but not 300 pounds worth.

I-I used trickery and guile and deception

to get him to do that commercial.

It's a very good product.

It's helped thousands of people,

but that doesn't justify what I did.

I don't deserve your applause and I-I don't deserve your Dink.

Oscar, you came!

I've been here all the time.

I didn't want you to see me.

I knew you couldn't accept that award.

Oh, Oscar, you're a... you're a real friend.

I-I don't know how you put up with me,

all the things I make you go through.

Stop it, will ya? I'm so sorry.

I promise you, I'll never embarrass you again.

Will you forget it?!

All right, you're a buddy.

Listen, one thing... What?

Sunday is my little boy Leonard's birthday.

He's having some kids over. Uh-huh.

Would you get into the fat suit and come to the party?

The kids would love it!

Really they would. Would you?

Please. They'd get such a laugh out of it!