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1
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,116
When are my pants
gonna be ready?
2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,405
When I'm ready.
3
00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:08,985
You got a hot date tonight,
huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
4
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,275
Who, double-jointed Sybil?
5
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:12,321
I only took her out once. Yeah.
6
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,745
No, I'm dating Anita.
7
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:14,746
Anita? Yeah.
8
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,614
The harpist. You remember her?
9
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:17,883
Oh, I'm crazy about that girl.
10
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:19,685
She was the only date
you ever brought here
11
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,119
who used silverware.
12
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,620
You're going to take a nice girl
13
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,089
out like that with this tie?
14
00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:25,601
What's the matter with
that tie? It's wrinkled.
15
00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:27,137
No, it isn't. Look, come
here, come here, come here,
16
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:28,337
come here, come here, lean over.
17
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:29,973
What are you gonna
do, iron my tongue?
18
00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,541
Here, you want
to iron it, iron it.
19
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,898
Go ahead.
20
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,978
That's the kind of tie
you're wearing? Yeah.
21
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:36,963
Anita's a widow,
isn't she? Yeah.
22
00:00:36,987 --> 00:00:38,397
You know what, we get
along so great. Yeah?
23
00:00:38,421 --> 00:00:40,183
Felix, I really think I'm
crazy about her, I mean it.
24
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,852
You must be if you asked
me to iron your pants. Yeah.
25
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,810
Should I iron my
"best man" suit?
26
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:46,106
Will you cut that out?
27
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,373
You know how I
feel about marriage.
28
00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:48,508
Just give me the pants.
29
00:00:48,532 --> 00:00:49,942
Why are you so nervous?
Why are you so nervous?
30
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:51,478
Because her kids are
coming home from camp today,
31
00:00:51,502 --> 00:00:52,812
and I never met them, see?
32
00:00:52,836 --> 00:00:54,214
Ah. I want to make
a good impression.
33
00:00:54,238 --> 00:00:57,172
How long does it take
before the zipper cools off?
34
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,080
I want to make a good
impression on her kids.
35
00:01:06,116 --> 00:01:07,915
Her kids will be
crazy about you.
36
00:01:07,951 --> 00:01:09,162
Don't worry. And if they're not?
37
00:01:09,186 --> 00:01:10,497
How about if the kids are not?
38
00:01:10,521 --> 00:01:12,499
It could ruin my whole
relationship with her, you know?
39
00:01:12,523 --> 00:01:14,689
I forgot that Anita
has two children.
40
00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,236
Let... let me ask you
something. What?
41
00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:18,410
Why do you use a spoon
to put on your shoes?
42
00:01:19,597 --> 00:01:22,798
Because a fork makes
four holes in my socks.
43
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,132
I had to ask.
44
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,512
Felix, you got any candy?
45
00:01:25,536 --> 00:01:26,679
Kids love candy.
46
00:01:26,703 --> 00:01:29,171
Oh, no, you can't
buy a child's affection.
47
00:01:29,206 --> 00:01:30,705
You win a child.
48
00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:31,806
You tell them jokes.
49
00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,085
Oh, I heard a great one
50
00:01:33,109 --> 00:01:35,910
about three sailors
on a raft that... No?
51
00:01:35,945 --> 00:01:37,562
You tell them a children's joke.
52
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,809
You know what the mayonnaise
said to the icebox? No, what?
53
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,593
"Close the door, can't
you see I'm dressing?"
54
00:01:42,386 --> 00:01:43,864
You get it? I get it, I get it.
55
00:01:43,888 --> 00:01:45,966
You know what
children like? What?
56
00:01:45,990 --> 00:01:47,589
They like little
pieces of business.
57
00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:48,823
My kids used to love this.
58
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,959
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
59
00:01:50,994 --> 00:01:53,962
♪ Hope you like our show. ♪
60
00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:56,931
Oscar?
61
00:01:58,101 --> 00:02:00,101
He can't wait to
show it to the kids.
62
00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,671
♪ ♪
63
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,738
♪ ♪
64
00:03:23,654 --> 00:03:25,932
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
65
00:03:27,825 --> 00:03:29,825
It's open!
66
00:03:34,264 --> 00:03:36,397
Hey... Hi, Oscar.
67
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,699
Ooh.
68
00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:39,746
Guess what? I got good
news for you. What?
69
00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:40,735
You're gonna get a chance
70
00:03:40,771 --> 00:03:41,948
to get acquainted with my kids.
71
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:42,938
Well, I expected that.
72
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,238
But I'm not gonna be here.
73
00:03:44,274 --> 00:03:45,239
I didn't expect that.
74
00:03:45,275 --> 00:03:46,842
Where are you going?
75
00:03:46,877 --> 00:03:48,176
I've got to play the harp
76
00:03:48,211 --> 00:03:50,311
with a chamber
music group tonight.
77
00:03:50,347 --> 00:03:52,146
Their regular harpist
sprained her fingers
78
00:03:52,182 --> 00:03:53,782
trying to play "Flight
of the Bumblebee."
79
00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:54,950
Oh.
80
00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,128
Mark, Laurie,
Mr. Madison's here!
81
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:57,986
You think it's a good
idea leave me alone
82
00:03:58,021 --> 00:03:59,521
with the kids the first time?
83
00:03:59,556 --> 00:04:01,033
I mean, I haven't had a
chance... Don't worry about it.
84
00:04:01,057 --> 00:04:02,969
Oscar, this is Mark.
85
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,192
Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you.
86
00:04:04,227 --> 00:04:05,772
And this is Laurie.
Hello, sweetheart.
87
00:04:05,796 --> 00:04:07,507
How are you, Laurie? Good night.
88
00:04:07,531 --> 00:04:08,808
Good night, darling.
89
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,098
Now, don't bother
Mr. Madison too much.
90
00:04:11,134 --> 00:04:13,212
9:00 bedtime. Have they
eaten and everything?
91
00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:14,380
Yeah, don't worry about it.
92
00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:15,537
Do they have to be changed?
93
00:04:15,572 --> 00:04:17,767
I mean, what do you have to...?
94
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,351
Just have a good time.
95
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:31,002
Well, I couldn't wait
to meet you guys.
96
00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:32,615
Your mother told
me all about you,
97
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:35,084
so I know everything,
you know, except camp.
98
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,120
Did you have a good time
at camp? What's it like?
99
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,704
Where'd you go at camp?
100
00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,381
You kids ever blink?
101
00:04:45,402 --> 00:04:47,213
Hey, why don't
we sit down, talk?
102
00:04:47,237 --> 00:04:48,753
We'll get to know each other.
103
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,600
Come on. Everybody
sit on the couch.
104
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,923
Come on, Laurie, Mark.
105
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,158
Now let us see.
106
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,738
What are we gonna talk about?
107
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,072
Uh, you a baseball fan?
108
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,274
Yeah. Yeah?
109
00:04:57,298 --> 00:05:00,109
What's your favorite
team? Dodgers.
110
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,844
I'm a Met fan, but I
used to be a Dodger fan,
111
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:04,230
you know when they had
Campanella and Snider
112
00:05:04,254 --> 00:05:06,694
and Robinson. Who are they?
113
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,290
Well, you wouldn't
know who they were...
114
00:05:09,325 --> 00:05:11,292
Laurie, what do you like?
115
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,860
I like Robert Redford.
116
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,296
Robert Redford.
117
00:05:15,331 --> 00:05:17,498
Me, too.
118
00:05:19,302 --> 00:05:21,236
And we're back to staring.
119
00:05:21,271 --> 00:05:24,039
Is there something
you both like together?
120
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,373
I like magic.
121
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,574
Yeah, me, too.
122
00:05:26,610 --> 00:05:27,954
Magic? You know any magic?
123
00:05:27,978 --> 00:05:29,522
No, I don't know any magic.
124
00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:30,912
I know a good joke.
125
00:05:30,947 --> 00:05:34,516
I know... What did the salad
dressing say to the icebox?
126
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,431
"Shut the door. I'm mayonnaise."
127
00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:45,427
See, I told Felix that
was a rotten joke.
128
00:05:45,462 --> 00:05:47,039
Oh, I got a good
thing. Wait a minute.
129
00:05:47,063 --> 00:05:49,965
Oh... this one. Here we go.
130
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,044
♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
131
00:05:51,068 --> 00:05:52,145
♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
132
00:05:52,169 --> 00:05:54,729
♪ Hope you like our show! ♪
133
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,459
That's magic.
134
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,695
I made two kids disappear.
135
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,502
"Then you take the
magic handkerchief
136
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,839
"and you wave it over your arm
and you say the magic words,
137
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:18,109
'Abracadabra alakazam, long
red worms, fried eggs and ham.'"
138
00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:19,544
Hey!
139
00:06:24,701 --> 00:06:26,396
Hey, buddy. Where you been?
140
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:29,504
I had to photograph the
Senior Citizens Parade.
141
00:06:29,539 --> 00:06:32,674
They marched up Fifth Avenue?
142
00:06:32,709 --> 00:06:36,711
No, just across Fifth Avenue.
143
00:06:36,746 --> 00:06:38,813
What are you doing?
144
00:06:38,848 --> 00:06:40,182
Well, you know how I bombed
145
00:06:40,217 --> 00:06:42,128
with the kids the
other day, right? Yeah.
146
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,896
So I went out and bought
this magic kit right here.
147
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,453
Huh. Yeah.
148
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,300
"Become a professional magician.
149
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:49,169
"Learn the secrets
of the Great Mellman.
150
00:06:49,193 --> 00:06:50,570
Rabbits not included." Yeah.
151
00:06:50,594 --> 00:06:52,572
What do you do?
Watch, I'll show you.
152
00:06:52,596 --> 00:06:53,995
You pick a card. Any card, okay?
153
00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:55,297
Don't tell me what it is.
154
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,609
Just pick a card,
any card, an...
155
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:58,032
Pick a card.
156
00:06:58,068 --> 00:07:00,168
Don't let me influence
you. Pick a card.
157
00:07:00,204 --> 00:07:01,920
There you go. That's
the queen of spades.
158
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,689
Hey, that's pretty good.
159
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:05,873
Two of hearts.
160
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:09,238
You picked the wrong
card. This is the one I like.
161
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,807
What do you do with
this? Never mind that.
162
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,107
Listen, you got a dollar on you?
163
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:13,543
I'm gonna show you a
trick that will amaze you.
164
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,344
It'll amaze you. I
only have two tens.
165
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,546
All right, ten, the same size.
166
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:17,902
Okay, now watch.
167
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,248
I'll show you the hand is
really quicker than the eye.
168
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,583
This is amazing.
What are you doing?
169
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:21,951
Don't worry. What
are you doing?!
170
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,285
What's the matter,
I'm telling you.
171
00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:25,254
Watch, when I put it
together, it's going to be terrific.
172
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,022
Now you fold the
corners like that.
173
00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:30,247
You put in your... these
magic... "Allazammy!"
174
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,016
Watch it, all one piece.
175
00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:33,317
Oh, look at that!
176
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:34,564
You think money grows
on trees? It worked before.
177
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,265
You got another ten?
Let me try it again.
178
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,767
No, I'm not going to
give you my other ten.
179
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,168
I've got to paste
this together now.
180
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:40,603
Wait a minute. Let me
show you another trick.
181
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,026
You'll see, it's worth it.
182
00:07:42,061 --> 00:07:43,138
See this? It's full, right?
183
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,540
Watch this. You're
gonna love this.
184
00:07:44,564 --> 00:07:45,842
You're gonna love this.
185
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,276
Oh, oh, I'm gonna
dirty your table.
186
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,300
Look out.
187
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,306
Oh... bah!
188
00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,678
How did you do that?
189
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,856
Want to try it?
190
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,947
That was amazing.
191
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,977
It's awful to live with a slob.
192
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,419
Yeah.
193
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,031
Will you tell us just
one more story?
194
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,400
Yeah, just one.
Please! Oh, it's too late.
195
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,101
No, you've got to go to
bed. Come on, please.
196
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,269
All right, one quickie,
okay? All right, all right.
197
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,971
Then you go to bed,
you promise? Okay.
198
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,160
Okay, let me see...
199
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,797
Once upon a time,
there was a bookie
200
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:30,702
named 52nd Street Irwin
and he was a very sad man.
201
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,136
How come?
202
00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:35,740
Because a new law had been
proclaimed throughout the land.
203
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:38,526
It was called
"offtrack betting."
204
00:09:38,561 --> 00:09:41,562
All sorts of people
with two dollar bills
205
00:09:41,597 --> 00:09:44,098
would enter buildings
that had... Oscar!
206
00:09:44,134 --> 00:09:45,299
Hi, Mom.
207
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:49,254
What are you two doing still up?
208
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:51,100
Well, I guess that's my
fault. I'm sorry I kept them up.
209
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,691
Oh, go on up to bed now.
210
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,203
I'll be up in a
second to tuck you in.
211
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:57,261
But we want to find out what
happened to 52nd Street Irwin.
212
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,798
Well, what happened
was that Irwin met a guy
213
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,567
named Oscar Madison, and he
won so much money from him,
214
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:03,835
he lived happily ever after.
215
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,003
Now go to bed.
216
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,205
Good night. Good night, kids.
217
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,773
You got back early.
218
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,575
You didn't.
219
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,044
Well, I wasn't on a date, if
that's what's bothering you.
220
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,378
I was out working.
221
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,292
What's bothering me
is you left the kids alone.
222
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,415
I didn't leave them alone.
223
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,750
I left them with Pamela.
224
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,218
It's the same thing, isn't it?
225
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:22,599
Say, where is Pamela, by
the way? I sent her home.
226
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:23,788
Why?
227
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,217
Because she's too
young to be babysitting.
228
00:10:25,241 --> 00:10:28,126
Oscar, that's the same
babysitter I used last week.
229
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,494
Yeah, but that was different.
230
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,507
The only thing that's different
231
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,209
is that you're getting
hooked on my kids.
232
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,599
So?
233
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,928
And they're getting
hooked on you.
234
00:10:35,952 --> 00:10:37,802
So? There's nothing
wrong with that, is there?
235
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:39,704
Yeah, there is.
236
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:42,084
Oscar, I've got to talk to you.
237
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:43,486
Do you know that those children
238
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,944
moped around the house
here all day today? Why?
239
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,523
Because you didn't
call them last night
240
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:48,858
from Pittsburgh the
way you promised.
241
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,359
Oh, you see, the game
went into extra innings.
242
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:52,394
By the time I got back
to the hotel, it was so late,
243
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:53,601
I figured they were asleep.
244
00:10:53,636 --> 00:10:55,281
Yeah, well, they'd
waited up for you.
245
00:10:55,305 --> 00:10:56,271
Aw.
246
00:10:56,306 --> 00:10:57,472
They must have forgiven me.
247
00:10:57,507 --> 00:10:58,618
We had such a good time.
248
00:10:58,642 --> 00:10:59,952
We played games
and laughed and...
249
00:10:59,976 --> 00:11:01,287
Yeah, but that's
only going to make
250
00:11:01,311 --> 00:11:05,146
the hurt even deeper next
time you disappoint them.
251
00:11:05,181 --> 00:11:07,126
Oscar, I-I know
you didn't mean it,
252
00:11:07,150 --> 00:11:09,784
but, you know, children
need consistency.
253
00:11:09,819 --> 00:11:13,388
They don't really know
where you fit into their lives.
254
00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,156
Wow.
255
00:11:15,191 --> 00:11:17,725
The last thing I want
to do in this whole world
256
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:19,627
is to hurt the kids.
257
00:11:19,663 --> 00:11:21,357
You mean, you think
it's gonna happen again?
258
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,549
Well, if our relationship
stays the same, yes.
259
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,851
Wow.
260
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:30,488
Well, I... I guess you're right.
261
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,564
I guess we ought to
break up then, huh?
262
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,783
Unless you could think
of some alternative.
263
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:43,601
No.
264
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:44,819
I guess you're right.
265
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:52,309
Well... Well, good
night, I guess.
266
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:55,312
Oscar? Yeah?
267
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,680
Are you all right?
268
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,961
Oh sure, I'm all right.
I mean, I'm not a kid.
269
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,262
If a thing's over, it's over.
270
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:01,764
You know, whatever
is for the best.
271
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:03,254
I'll show you, look.
272
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:05,223
I'll do the thing.
273
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,536
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
274
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,593
♪ Hope you liked our show! ♪
275
00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:15,166
Good night.
276
00:12:20,023 --> 00:12:21,122
Ah!
277
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:23,324
I got it, I got it.
278
00:12:23,359 --> 00:12:26,493
Oscar, watch me.
279
00:12:26,529 --> 00:12:28,562
I finally figured out
how to do the milk trick.
280
00:12:28,597 --> 00:12:29,997
Watch.
281
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:32,900
Oh, I had it, I
had it, I had it.
282
00:12:32,936 --> 00:12:34,268
Honestly, I had it.
283
00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:35,514
How did it go?
284
00:12:36,539 --> 00:12:37,905
It's all over.
285
00:12:37,941 --> 00:12:39,273
What, what, what?
286
00:12:39,309 --> 00:12:40,274
How come?
287
00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:41,453
She had a date, huh?
288
00:12:41,477 --> 00:12:43,189
Yeah, yeah, and you
punched the guy, huh?
289
00:12:43,213 --> 00:12:44,278
No.
290
00:12:44,314 --> 00:12:45,390
He punched you? No.
291
00:12:45,414 --> 00:12:46,425
She punched you?
292
00:12:46,449 --> 00:12:48,093
No, it was nothing
like that. What?
293
00:12:48,117 --> 00:12:50,151
She said the kids were
getting too involved with me
294
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,219
and me with them
295
00:12:51,254 --> 00:12:52,898
and it was getting kind
of heavy and things.
296
00:12:52,922 --> 00:12:54,566
So... why does it
have to be all over?
297
00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:55,689
Didn't I just tell you?
298
00:12:55,725 --> 00:12:57,169
It's about the kids
and everything.
299
00:12:57,193 --> 00:13:00,461
Well... isn't there
another alternative?
300
00:13:00,496 --> 00:13:01,929
What?
301
00:13:01,965 --> 00:13:02,981
What?!
302
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,615
Well, what's the next step?
303
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:05,616
What?
304
00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:06,785
Marriage.
305
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,287
Are you out of your mind?!
306
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,456
No.
307
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,457
What are you talking
about, marriage?
308
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:15,359
A girl, kids, me and a, and a...
309
00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:17,005
I usually have five
or six good reasons
310
00:13:17,029 --> 00:13:17,995
why I shouldn't get married.
311
00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:19,297
Now I don't even have one.
312
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,060
Of course you
don't 'cause I'm right.
313
00:13:21,084 --> 00:13:22,250
You know, maybe you are.
314
00:13:22,285 --> 00:13:23,451
You are right.
315
00:13:23,486 --> 00:13:25,364
That's what she
meant by an alternative.
316
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,354
I didn't even know...
317
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:28,034
I got such a hang-up
about marriage,
318
00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:30,069
I didn't even see what
she was driving at.
319
00:13:30,093 --> 00:13:31,937
You're right, Felix, I'm
going to propose to her.
320
00:13:31,961 --> 00:13:33,039
I am going to propose to her.
321
00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,362
Oh, great.
322
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,097
Yeah.
323
00:13:36,132 --> 00:13:38,477
When? Pretty soon, pretty soon.
324
00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:39,934
I am, I really am.
325
00:13:39,969 --> 00:13:41,436
Pretty soon.
326
00:13:41,471 --> 00:13:42,614
Oscar.
327
00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:44,772
Come on, get up.
328
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:48,309
Hey, come on. Oscar.
329
00:13:48,344 --> 00:13:49,655
Betting windows
close in three minutes!
330
00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:51,290
Give me number three
four times... Come on,
331
00:13:51,314 --> 00:13:52,924
come on, get up, get up.
332
00:13:52,948 --> 00:13:54,548
Why are you waking
me up so early?
333
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,050
What's the matter with you?
334
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,503
What is it?
335
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,933
Were you serious when you said
you wanted to propose to Anita?
336
00:14:00,957 --> 00:14:02,467
Of course I was serious.
Well, come on, get up.
337
00:14:02,491 --> 00:14:04,136
She's on her way
over here now. Why?
338
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,126
'Cause I called her.
339
00:14:05,161 --> 00:14:06,327
What'd you do that for?
340
00:14:06,362 --> 00:14:07,406
Well, you said pretty
soon, didn't you?
341
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:08,641
Now it's pretty soon.
342
00:14:08,665 --> 00:14:10,009
Yeah, okay, I want
to do it, I'll do it...
343
00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:11,677
All right, you want to do
this on an empty stomach
344
00:14:11,701 --> 00:14:13,212
or you want me to prepare
some breakfast for you?
345
00:14:13,236 --> 00:14:14,580
No, no, it's all right, I
got something to eat.
346
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,537
Remember you told me to save it?
347
00:14:18,341 --> 00:14:19,674
He'll make a fine husband.
348
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,531
Anita.
349
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,610
Hi. Hi, Felix.
350
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,601
How are you? Fine.
351
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,013
I'm not too early, am I?
352
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,337
No, no, no, no, no, no.
353
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,289
Oscar's getting dressed. Oh.
354
00:14:34,324 --> 00:14:36,669
Oh, my, my, how nice you look.
355
00:14:36,693 --> 00:14:38,573
Thank you.
356
00:14:45,702 --> 00:14:48,336
Have you any idea why
Oscar wants to see you?
357
00:14:48,371 --> 00:14:49,899
No. You were very mysterious
358
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,690
on the phone.
359
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,893
Is it something funny?
360
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:58,363
It's something happy.
361
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,198
Before Oscar comes out,
362
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,517
there's something
I-I ought to say to you.
363
00:15:02,552 --> 00:15:06,905
I've lived with Oscar
for five years now,
364
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:11,309
and I think I'm not going
too far when I say that...
365
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,311
he's a perfect person.
366
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:16,030
He's kind, he's warm,
367
00:15:16,065 --> 00:15:17,965
he's intelligent,
he's considerate.
368
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,334
And he's neat?
369
00:15:19,369 --> 00:15:21,636
He, he, he, he...
370
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:22,970
he, he has neatness in him.
371
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:27,041
He... he, he really...
ex-except for his room,
372
00:15:27,076 --> 00:15:28,643
which is an absolute disgrace,
373
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:31,178
but aside from that, well,
his clothes leave a little...
374
00:15:31,214 --> 00:15:33,514
What am I doing? I'm bad-
mouthing my best friend.
375
00:15:33,550 --> 00:15:34,849
I'll ruin the marriage.
376
00:15:34,884 --> 00:15:36,233
What marriage?
377
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,404
Didn't you know that Oscar
wants to propose to you?
378
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,817
What?! Oh, I did it again!
379
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,808
My big mouth!
380
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,010
Oh, I'm so s... Oh,
please don't turn him down.
381
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,730
I'd feel awful. Please?
382
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,348
He'll make a wonderful
husband and a fine father.
383
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:52,567
What do you say?
384
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,563
Well, I guess I'd say yes.
385
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:55,603
Oh!
386
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:56,820
Oh!
387
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,689
Bless you. Bless you.
But don't tell him I...
388
00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:00,686
Don't tell him I
spilled the beans, No.
389
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:01,753
Because he'd never forgive me.
390
00:16:01,777 --> 00:16:03,577
He wants to propose himself.
391
00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:06,280
Hi!
392
00:16:06,316 --> 00:16:09,584
Congratulations! You're
going to get married!
393
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,609
Excuse me, Speed. I
want to go talk to Oscar.
394
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,325
Excuse me, will you?
395
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:23,659
Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.
396
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:26,329
Oh, come on,
will you cut it out.
397
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:27,651
Come on.
398
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,715
My old friend Oscar,
getting married.
399
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:31,905
So sudden. I mean,
I said to my wife,
400
00:16:31,941 --> 00:16:33,641
I said, "Oscar's
getting married."
401
00:16:33,676 --> 00:16:34,975
She said, "Oscar who?"
402
00:16:35,010 --> 00:16:36,644
I said, "Oscar Madison."
403
00:16:36,679 --> 00:16:38,295
She said, "No!" I said, "Yes!"
404
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,092
Oh, will you cut it out?
Where is your wife?
405
00:16:40,116 --> 00:16:41,315
She didn't want to come.
406
00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:42,761
She said this was just an excuse
407
00:16:42,785 --> 00:16:44,284
to go out and play cards.
408
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:45,419
Is it?
409
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,268
No, I'm really gonna
get married, Murray.
410
00:16:49,292 --> 00:16:51,125
Then it's okay to cry?
411
00:16:51,161 --> 00:16:53,721
Yes, it's all right to cry,
but cry over there, will you?
412
00:16:54,631 --> 00:16:55,808
Hey, Speed. Long time.
413
00:16:55,832 --> 00:16:57,175
Hey, Oscar. How are you?
414
00:16:57,199 --> 00:16:58,828
Hey, you're really going
through with this, huh? Yeah.
415
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,684
You know 52nd Street Irwin?
416
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,486
The bookie. Yeah?
417
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:03,587
He's laying eight to five
418
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,302
you're not going
through with this wedding.
419
00:17:06,992 --> 00:17:09,471
Well, he's crazy, because
I am going through with it.
420
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:10,627
Are you sure, sure?
421
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:11,628
Yeah!
422
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,097
Because I want to make a bet.
423
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,260
A bet?
424
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:16,796
Yeah. I haven't won
a bet in 15 weeks.
425
00:17:16,820 --> 00:17:19,632
Well, you can get even
now, 'cause it's a sure thing.
426
00:17:19,656 --> 00:17:20,755
Yeah. Where's the phone?
427
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,350
Right over there.
Go ahead, buddy.
428
00:17:24,861 --> 00:17:26,627
Hey, Felix!
429
00:17:26,663 --> 00:17:28,963
Well... How do you feel?
430
00:17:28,998 --> 00:17:29,964
I feel good. Good.
431
00:17:29,999 --> 00:17:31,132
How do you feel?
432
00:17:31,167 --> 00:17:32,978
I may throw up. I'm telling you.
433
00:17:33,002 --> 00:17:34,713
Give me the ring.
I gave it to you.
434
00:17:34,737 --> 00:17:36,436
Give me the ring.
You didn't give it to me.
435
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,733
No, I didn't give it
to you. Here it is.
436
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,857
It's got mustard on it.
437
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,191
I had a hot dog before.
438
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,527
You're a crazy...
Excuse me, sir.
439
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,806
You must be the minister.
440
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:46,997
I hope so, or I've got
a very dull wardrobe.
441
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:49,866
I love a good joke.
442
00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:52,247
I'm gonna get my cameras.
443
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:53,682
Wait a minute. You
can't take pictures.
444
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:54,834
You're the best man.
445
00:17:54,858 --> 00:17:56,268
You said you wanted
the best photographer
446
00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:57,870
in New York, didn't
you? That's me.
447
00:17:57,894 --> 00:17:59,143
I'm doing it for cost.
448
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:02,541
We got some telegrams.
449
00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:03,809
Oh, yeah? From who?
450
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,811
Well, here's one from
Florida from Little Joe.
451
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,801
Oh, that's Joe Boop.
452
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:07,802
What's he say?
453
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:08,936
It says, "Dear Oscar.
454
00:18:08,972 --> 00:18:11,606
You getting married?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
455
00:18:11,641 --> 00:18:13,240
Ha! I love it!
456
00:18:16,713 --> 00:18:17,823
What else you got?
457
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,492
Well, here's one
from Vinnie. Yeah?
458
00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:20,960
"Dear Oscar. Getting married?
459
00:18:20,984 --> 00:18:23,362
Is it a cold day
in July? Ha-ha."
460
00:18:23,386 --> 00:18:24,629
Another "ha-ha."
461
00:18:24,653 --> 00:18:26,820
And here's one from
your mother in Europe.
462
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:30,958
"Dear son. A very funny
joke to play on an old woman."
463
00:18:30,994 --> 00:18:32,088
No, “ha-ha”?
464
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,556
Oscar, you've got a reputation.
465
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:34,990
Oh, well, they're only
kidding. They got...
466
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,314
Come on. Come on. It's time.
467
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,315
Time for what?
468
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,660
To get married! Oh.
469
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,296
Come on, let's go.
Get upstairs. I'm sorry.
470
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,164
I'll see you later, dear.
Okay. Here we go.
471
00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:44,133
Oscar's awfully
anti-marriage. No, he's not.
472
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:46,435
Felix, I'm not pressuring
him into this, am I?
473
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,791
No, of course not.
474
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,294
You're not that
kind of girl. I did it.
475
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:54,332
All right, everybody. All right!
476
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,133
It's time to get married.
477
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:57,879
So, Speed, if
you'll come up here.
478
00:18:57,903 --> 00:19:00,003
Murray. Murray,
you'll stand right here.
479
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,284
Everybody, if you'll just
give us a little bit of room.
480
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,286
Everybody, the great
moment has come.
481
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,943
Mr. Minister, you'll
stand right there.
482
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,279
All right, everyone.
483
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,481
I think we're ready.
484
00:19:37,192 --> 00:19:39,488
Irwin, she's at the post.
485
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,795
She's rounding the banister,
486
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:44,315
and she's heading
down the homestretch.
487
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:45,578
Would you... Speed!
488
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,768
Oh, sorry. I'll call you back.
489
00:19:47,804 --> 00:19:51,272
Could, uh... we
please start again?
490
00:19:51,307 --> 00:19:53,674
Uh, would you go
back to the gate... uh...
491
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:58,161
Uh... steps?
492
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,332
All right.
493
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,917
Everyone, ready?
494
00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:04,435
Pluck it, Mabel.
495
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:22,452
Dearly beloved
and friends, we...
496
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:24,066
I'm sorry, could
we hold it a minute?
497
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,901
She has to go, darling.
No, that can wait.
498
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,168
No, no, this is an emergency.
499
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:29,192
She just told me.
We'll be right back.
500
00:20:30,913 --> 00:20:33,380
If we're taking a
break, I'd like to go, too.
501
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:42,673
Do you, Anita, take Oscar as
your lawfully wedded husband?
502
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,376
Madam?
503
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:47,878
Uh, I-I do.
504
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,985
Do you, Oscar, take Anita
as your lawfully wedded wife?
505
00:20:55,405 --> 00:20:57,571
I do. I do.
506
00:20:57,606 --> 00:20:58,817
Certainly.
507
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:01,842
If there be anyone here
who objects to this union,
508
00:21:01,877 --> 00:21:04,728
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
509
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,994
I think that I had better speak.
510
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,302
I beg your pardon.
511
00:21:11,337 --> 00:21:14,521
Well, I-I don't want to
forever hold my peace,
512
00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:16,835
so, uh, Oscar,
would you talk to me
513
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,537
for a moment, please,
privately? Excuse me.
514
00:21:18,561 --> 00:21:21,041
We'll be right back, folks.
515
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,333
What's the matter, honey?
516
00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:28,235
It's you! You're
scared to death.
517
00:21:28,270 --> 00:21:30,215
No, I was ready to
go through with this.
518
00:21:30,239 --> 00:21:32,005
You were praying for
something to happen.
519
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,052
Like what? Anything.
An earthquake.
520
00:21:34,076 --> 00:21:35,737
I don't... Oh, now,
that's not true.
521
00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:38,028
Oh, Oscar, you were
pressured into this,
522
00:21:38,063 --> 00:21:39,563
first by Felix, and then by me.
523
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:40,731
You didn't even propose.
524
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:42,182
Yeah, but I meant to.
525
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:44,351
I know you did.
526
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:46,019
And I know you meant to try
527
00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,021
to make the
marriage work, but...
528
00:21:48,057 --> 00:21:49,890
look, let's be honest
with each other.
529
00:21:49,925 --> 00:21:52,093
I'm no more ready
for this than you are.
530
00:21:52,128 --> 00:21:54,995
You're not ready for
this marriage either?
531
00:21:55,030 --> 00:21:57,364
I was so happy to find a man
532
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,700
who loved my children
and whom they loved,
533
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,835
that, well, I just
ignored the fact
534
00:22:01,871 --> 00:22:03,637
that-that we're really not ready
535
00:22:03,673 --> 00:22:05,505
for this kind of a commitment.
536
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:06,957
At least not yet.
537
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:09,326
You know, Anita...
538
00:22:09,361 --> 00:22:11,673
I kind of feel the same way.
539
00:22:11,697 --> 00:22:13,976
You're some kind of
woman, you know that?
540
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,966
And you're a sweet guy.
541
00:22:21,023 --> 00:22:22,857
Oh, I'm sorry.
542
00:22:22,892 --> 00:22:24,591
Can I have everybody's
attention, please.
543
00:22:24,627 --> 00:22:25,871
I have an announcement to make.
544
00:22:25,895 --> 00:22:26,994
Would you come down here?
545
00:22:27,029 --> 00:22:29,730
Look, after
carefully considering
546
00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:31,048
what we were about to do,
547
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:34,868
Anita and I jointly
decided that...
548
00:22:34,904 --> 00:22:36,214
there isn't gonna
be any wedding.
549
00:22:36,238 --> 00:22:38,756
Oh, I knew it. It's a fix.
550
00:22:40,259 --> 00:22:41,291
Come on, Speed.
551
00:22:41,327 --> 00:22:43,361
No!
552
00:22:43,396 --> 00:22:44,911
Look, it's nothing personal.
553
00:22:44,947 --> 00:22:46,658
You're great guests, and
if we ever do get married,
554
00:22:46,682 --> 00:22:47,960
we're certainly
gonna invite you back.
555
00:22:47,984 --> 00:22:49,294
Thank you very much.
556
00:22:49,318 --> 00:22:51,580
Well, folks, that's the way
the wedding cake crumbles.
557
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:53,482
Your presents will
be returned to you.
558
00:22:53,506 --> 00:22:54,871
No reception?
559
00:22:54,907 --> 00:22:56,106
I ate light.
560
00:22:59,078 --> 00:23:01,011
Felix, I'm sorry to
disappoint you like this.
561
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:02,646
I'm gonna save you, buddy.
562
00:23:02,682 --> 00:23:04,981
Folks, come back, come back.
563
00:23:05,017 --> 00:23:06,650
We had planned
some entertainment
564
00:23:06,686 --> 00:23:10,187
for the reception, but so
that it won't be a total loss,
565
00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:12,072
we'll have the
entertainment now.
566
00:23:12,107 --> 00:23:17,093
Now, first on the bill will
be The Amazing Unger!
567
00:23:18,364 --> 00:23:19,746
No applause, please.
568
00:23:19,781 --> 00:23:25,302
We have here a
simple pitcher of milk.
569
00:23:26,672 --> 00:23:28,556
Will you give me
a drumroll, please.
570
00:23:42,571 --> 00:23:43,851
Hey, hey, hey.
571
00:23:53,132 --> 00:23:54,909
And so, your mommy
and I decided that
572
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:57,568
for the time being I'd
still be Uncle Oscar,
573
00:23:57,603 --> 00:23:59,448
but I'm going to be
visiting a lot, right?
574
00:23:59,472 --> 00:24:01,316
And we're gonna go
to the fair on Saturday.
575
00:24:01,340 --> 00:24:02,634
You're gonna see
that great magician,
576
00:24:02,658 --> 00:24:04,218
and we're gonna see a
Robert Redford movie.
577
00:24:04,242 --> 00:24:05,303
Right?
578
00:24:05,327 --> 00:24:07,306
Good night, Laurie.
579
00:24:07,330 --> 00:24:09,296
So long, Mark. Good night.
580
00:24:09,332 --> 00:24:10,408
I'll see you.
581
00:24:10,432 --> 00:24:11,815
Thanks, Felix.
582
00:24:14,887 --> 00:24:16,653
They're great kids.
583
00:24:16,689 --> 00:24:18,021
I'll call you Friday.
584
00:24:18,056 --> 00:24:19,336
I'll be here.
585
00:24:25,347 --> 00:24:29,550
Oscar, I'm... I'm
genuinely sorry.
586
00:24:29,585 --> 00:24:31,196
Tell me the truth,
is it my fault?
587
00:24:31,220 --> 00:24:32,864
I pushed you?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
588
00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:34,988
This is the best thing
for everybody, honest.
589
00:24:35,023 --> 00:24:37,091
Who knows? Maybe some
day we might, you know.
590
00:24:37,126 --> 00:24:38,676
I hope so.
591
00:24:38,711 --> 00:24:40,678
Listen. You can do
something to help me, though.
592
00:24:40,713 --> 00:24:42,357
Anything. Anything at all.
593
00:24:42,381 --> 00:24:45,348
Could you lend me $300?
594
00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:47,362
Because of the...
the carpet I ruined?
595
00:24:47,386 --> 00:24:48,886
No, no.
596
00:24:48,921 --> 00:24:51,321
I bet Irwin I would go
through with the wedding.
597
00:24:53,392 --> 00:24:55,236
You bet on your own wedding?
598
00:24:55,260 --> 00:24:57,422
Well, wait till you hear the
odds he gave me... five to two!
599
00:24:57,446 --> 00:24:59,663
I thought it was a sure
thing! I didn't know...
42336
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