Original subtitles

When are my pants gonna be ready?

When I'm ready.

You got a hot date tonight, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who, double-jointed Sybil?

I only took her out once. Yeah.

No, I'm dating Anita.

Anita? Yeah.

The harpist. You remember her?

Oh, I'm crazy about that girl.

She was the only date you ever brought here

who used silverware.

You're going to take a nice girl

out like that with this tie?

What's the matter with that tie? It's wrinkled.

No, it isn't. Look, come here, come here, come here,

come here, come here, lean over.

What are you gonna do, iron my tongue?

Here, you want to iron it, iron it.

Go ahead.

That's the kind of tie you're wearing? Yeah.

Anita's a widow, isn't she? Yeah.

You know what, we get along so great. Yeah?

Felix, I really think I'm crazy about her, I mean it.

You must be if you asked me to iron your pants. Yeah.

Should I iron my "best man" suit?

Will you cut that out?

You know how I feel about marriage.

Just give me the pants.

Why are you so nervous? Why are you so nervous?

Because her kids are coming home from camp today,

and I never met them, see?

Ah. I want to make a good impression.

How long does it take before the zipper cools off?

I want to make a good impression on her kids.

Her kids will be crazy about you.

Don't worry. And if they're not?

How about if the kids are not?

It could ruin my whole relationship with her, you know?

I forgot that Anita has two children.

Let... let me ask you something. What?

Why do you use a spoon to put on your shoes?

Because a fork makes four holes in my socks.

I had to ask.

Felix, you got any candy?

Kids love candy.

Oh, no, you can't buy a child's affection.

You win a child.

You tell them jokes.

Oh, I heard a great one

about three sailors on a raft that... No?

You tell them a children's joke.

You know what the mayonnaise said to the icebox? No, what?

"Close the door, can't you see I'm dressing?"

You get it? I get it, I get it.

You know what children like? What?

They like little pieces of business.

My kids used to love this.

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Hope you like our show. ♪

Oscar?

He can't wait to show it to the kids.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

It's open!

Hey... Hi, Oscar.

Ooh.

Guess what? I got good news for you. What?

You're gonna get a chance

to get acquainted with my kids.

Well, I expected that.

But I'm not gonna be here.

I didn't expect that.

Where are you going?

I've got to play the harp

with a chamber music group tonight.

Their regular harpist sprained her fingers

trying to play "Flight of the Bumblebee."

Oh.

Mark, Laurie, Mr. Madison's here!

You think it's a good idea leave me alone

with the kids the first time?

I mean, I haven't had a chance... Don't worry about it.

Oscar, this is Mark.

Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you.

And this is Laurie. Hello, sweetheart.

How are you, Laurie? Good night.

Good night, darling.

Now, don't bother Mr. Madison too much.

9:00 bedtime. Have they eaten and everything?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Do they have to be changed?

I mean, what do you have to...?

Just have a good time.

Well, I couldn't wait to meet you guys.

Your mother told me all about you,

so I know everything, you know, except camp.

Did you have a good time at camp? What's it like?

Where'd you go at camp?

You kids ever blink?

Hey, why don't we sit down, talk?

We'll get to know each other.

Come on. Everybody sit on the couch.

Come on, Laurie, Mark.

Now let us see.

What are we gonna talk about?

Uh, you a baseball fan?

Yeah. Yeah?

What's your favorite team? Dodgers.

I'm a Met fan, but I used to be a Dodger fan,

you know when they had Campanella and Snider

and Robinson. Who are they?

Well, you wouldn't know who they were...

Laurie, what do you like?

I like Robert Redford.

Robert Redford.

Me, too.

And we're back to staring.

Is there something you both like together?

I like magic.

Yeah, me, too.

Magic? You know any magic?

No, I don't know any magic.

I know a good joke.

I know... What did the salad dressing say to the icebox?

"Shut the door. I'm mayonnaise."

See, I told Felix that was a rotten joke.

Oh, I got a good thing. Wait a minute.

Oh... this one. Here we go.

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Hope you like our show! ♪

That's magic.

I made two kids disappear.

"Then you take the magic handkerchief

"and you wave it over your arm and you say the magic words,

'Abracadabra alakazam, long red worms, fried eggs and ham.'"

Hey!

Hey, buddy. Where you been?

I had to photograph the Senior Citizens Parade.

They marched up Fifth Avenue?

No, just across Fifth Avenue.

What are you doing?

Well, you know how I bombed

with the kids the other day, right? Yeah.

So I went out and bought this magic kit right here.

Huh. Yeah.

"Become a professional magician.

"Learn the secrets of the Great Mellman.

Rabbits not included." Yeah.

What do you do? Watch, I'll show you.

You pick a card. Any card, okay?

Don't tell me what it is.

Just pick a card, any card, an...

Pick a card.

Don't let me influence you. Pick a card.

There you go. That's the queen of spades.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Two of hearts.

You picked the wrong card. This is the one I like.

What do you do with this? Never mind that.

Listen, you got a dollar on you?

I'm gonna show you a trick that will amaze you.

It'll amaze you. I only have two tens.

All right, ten, the same size.

Okay, now watch.

I'll show you the hand is really quicker than the eye.

This is amazing. What are you doing?

Don't worry. What are you doing?!

What's the matter, I'm telling you.

Watch, when I put it together, it's going to be terrific.

Now you fold the corners like that.

You put in your... these magic... "Allazammy!"

Watch it, all one piece.

Oh, look at that!

You think money grows on trees? It worked before.

You got another ten? Let me try it again.

No, I'm not going to give you my other ten.

I've got to paste this together now.

Wait a minute. Let me show you another trick.

You'll see, it's worth it.

See this? It's full, right?

Watch this. You're gonna love this.

You're gonna love this.

Oh, oh, I'm gonna dirty your table.

Look out.

Oh... bah!

How did you do that?

Want to try it?

That was amazing.

It's awful to live with a slob.

Yeah.

Will you tell us just one more story?

Yeah, just one. Please! Oh, it's too late.

No, you've got to go to bed. Come on, please.

All right, one quickie, okay? All right, all right.

Then you go to bed, you promise? Okay.

Okay, let me see...

Once upon a time, there was a bookie

named 52nd Street Irwin and he was a very sad man.

How come?

Because a new law had been proclaimed throughout the land.

It was called "offtrack betting."

All sorts of people with two dollar bills

would enter buildings that had... Oscar!

Hi, Mom.

What are you two doing still up?

Well, I guess that's my fault. I'm sorry I kept them up.

Oh, go on up to bed now.

I'll be up in a second to tuck you in.

But we want to find out what happened to 52nd Street Irwin.

Well, what happened was that Irwin met a guy

named Oscar Madison, and he won so much money from him,

he lived happily ever after.

Now go to bed.

Good night. Good night, kids.

You got back early.

You didn't.

Well, I wasn't on a date, if that's what's bothering you.

I was out working.

What's bothering me is you left the kids alone.

I didn't leave them alone.

I left them with Pamela.

It's the same thing, isn't it?

Say, where is Pamela, by the way? I sent her home.

Why?

Because she's too young to be babysitting.

Oscar, that's the same babysitter I used last week.

Yeah, but that was different.

The only thing that's different

is that you're getting hooked on my kids.

So?

And they're getting hooked on you.

So? There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Yeah, there is.

Oscar, I've got to talk to you.

Do you know that those children

moped around the house here all day today? Why?

Because you didn't call them last night

from Pittsburgh the way you promised.

Oh, you see, the game went into extra innings.

By the time I got back to the hotel, it was so late,

I figured they were asleep.

Yeah, well, they'd waited up for you.

Aw.

They must have forgiven me.

We had such a good time.

We played games and laughed and...

Yeah, but that's only going to make

the hurt even deeper next time you disappoint them.

Oscar, I-I know you didn't mean it,

but, you know, children need consistency.

They don't really know where you fit into their lives.

Wow.

The last thing I want to do in this whole world

is to hurt the kids.

You mean, you think it's gonna happen again?

Well, if our relationship stays the same, yes.

Wow.

Well, I... I guess you're right.

I guess we ought to break up then, huh?

Unless you could think of some alternative.

No.

I guess you're right.

Well... Well, good night, I guess.

Oscar? Yeah?

Are you all right?

Oh sure, I'm all right. I mean, I'm not a kid.

If a thing's over, it's over.

You know, whatever is for the best.

I'll show you, look.

I'll do the thing.

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Hope you liked our show! ♪

Good night.

Ah!

I got it, I got it.

Oscar, watch me.

I finally figured out how to do the milk trick.

Watch.

Oh, I had it, I had it, I had it.

Honestly, I had it.

How did it go?

It's all over.

What, what, what?

How come?

She had a date, huh?

Yeah, yeah, and you punched the guy, huh?

No.

He punched you? No.

She punched you?

No, it was nothing like that. What?

She said the kids were getting too involved with me

and me with them

and it was getting kind of heavy and things.

So... why does it have to be all over?

Didn't I just tell you?

It's about the kids and everything.

Well... isn't there another alternative?

What?

What?!

Well, what's the next step?

What?

Marriage.

Are you out of your mind?!

No.

What are you talking about, marriage?

A girl, kids, me and a, and a...

I usually have five or six good reasons

why I shouldn't get married.

Now I don't even have one.

Of course you don't 'cause I'm right.

You know, maybe you are.

You are right.

That's what she meant by an alternative.

I didn't even know...

I got such a hang-up about marriage,

I didn't even see what she was driving at.

You're right, Felix, I'm going to propose to her.

I am going to propose to her.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

When? Pretty soon, pretty soon.

I am, I really am.

Pretty soon.

Oscar.

Come on, get up.

Hey, come on. Oscar.

Betting windows close in three minutes!

Give me number three four times... Come on,

come on, get up, get up.

Why are you waking me up so early?

What's the matter with you?

What is it?

Were you serious when you said you wanted to propose to Anita?

Of course I was serious. Well, come on, get up.

She's on her way over here now. Why?

'Cause I called her.

What'd you do that for?

Well, you said pretty soon, didn't you?

Now it's pretty soon.

Yeah, okay, I want to do it, I'll do it...

All right, you want to do this on an empty stomach

or you want me to prepare some breakfast for you?

No, no, it's all right, I got something to eat.

Remember you told me to save it?

He'll make a fine husband.

Anita.

Hi. Hi, Felix.

How are you? Fine.

I'm not too early, am I?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oscar's getting dressed. Oh.

Oh, my, my, how nice you look.

Thank you.

Have you any idea why Oscar wants to see you?

No. You were very mysterious

on the phone.

Is it something funny?

It's something happy.

Before Oscar comes out,

there's something I-I ought to say to you.

I've lived with Oscar for five years now,

and I think I'm not going too far when I say that...

he's a perfect person.

He's kind, he's warm,

he's intelligent, he's considerate.

And he's neat?

He, he, he, he...

he, he has neatness in him.

He... he, he really... ex-except for his room,

which is an absolute disgrace,

but aside from that, well, his clothes leave a little...

What am I doing? I'm bad- mouthing my best friend.

I'll ruin the marriage.

What marriage?

Didn't you know that Oscar wants to propose to you?

What?! Oh, I did it again!

My big mouth!

Oh, I'm so s... Oh, please don't turn him down.

I'd feel awful. Please?

He'll make a wonderful husband and a fine father.

What do you say?

Well, I guess I'd say yes.

Oh!

Oh!

Bless you. Bless you. But don't tell him I...

Don't tell him I spilled the beans, No.

Because he'd never forgive me.

He wants to propose himself.

Hi!

Congratulations! You're going to get married!

Excuse me, Speed. I want to go talk to Oscar.

Excuse me, will you?

Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.

Oh, come on, will you cut it out.

Come on.

My old friend Oscar, getting married.

So sudden. I mean, I said to my wife,

I said, "Oscar's getting married."

She said, "Oscar who?"

I said, "Oscar Madison."

She said, "No!" I said, "Yes!"

Oh, will you cut it out? Where is your wife?

She didn't want to come.

She said this was just an excuse

to go out and play cards.

Is it?

No, I'm really gonna get married, Murray.

Then it's okay to cry?

Yes, it's all right to cry, but cry over there, will you?

Hey, Speed. Long time.

Hey, Oscar. How are you?

Hey, you're really going through with this, huh? Yeah.

You know 52nd Street Irwin?

The bookie. Yeah?

He's laying eight to five

you're not going through with this wedding.

Well, he's crazy, because I am going through with it.

Are you sure, sure?

Yeah!

Because I want to make a bet.

A bet?

Yeah. I haven't won a bet in 15 weeks.

Well, you can get even now, 'cause it's a sure thing.

Yeah. Where's the phone?

Right over there. Go ahead, buddy.

Hey, Felix!

Well... How do you feel?

I feel good. Good.

How do you feel?

I may throw up. I'm telling you.

Give me the ring. I gave it to you.

Give me the ring. You didn't give it to me.

No, I didn't give it to you. Here it is.

It's got mustard on it.

I had a hot dog before.

You're a crazy... Excuse me, sir.

You must be the minister.

I hope so, or I've got a very dull wardrobe.

I love a good joke.

I'm gonna get my cameras.

Wait a minute. You can't take pictures.

You're the best man.

You said you wanted the best photographer

in New York, didn't you? That's me.

I'm doing it for cost.

We got some telegrams.

Oh, yeah? From who?

Well, here's one from Florida from Little Joe.

Oh, that's Joe Boop.

What's he say?

It says, "Dear Oscar.

You getting married? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

Ha! I love it!

What else you got?

Well, here's one from Vinnie. Yeah?

"Dear Oscar. Getting married?

Is it a cold day in July? Ha-ha."

Another "ha-ha."

And here's one from your mother in Europe.

"Dear son. A very funny joke to play on an old woman."

No, “ha-ha”?

Oscar, you've got a reputation.

Oh, well, they're only kidding. They got...

Come on. Come on. It's time.

Time for what?

To get married! Oh.

Come on, let's go. Get upstairs. I'm sorry.

I'll see you later, dear. Okay. Here we go.

Oscar's awfully anti-marriage. No, he's not.

Felix, I'm not pressuring him into this, am I?

No, of course not.

You're not that kind of girl. I did it.

All right, everybody. All right!

It's time to get married.

So, Speed, if you'll come up here.

Murray. Murray, you'll stand right here.

Everybody, if you'll just give us a little bit of room.

Everybody, the great moment has come.

Mr. Minister, you'll stand right there.

All right, everyone.

I think we're ready.

Irwin, she's at the post.

She's rounding the banister,

and she's heading down the homestretch.

Would you... Speed!

Oh, sorry. I'll call you back.

Could, uh... we please start again?

Uh, would you go back to the gate... uh...

Uh... steps?

All right.

Everyone, ready?

Pluck it, Mabel.

Dearly beloved and friends, we...

I'm sorry, could we hold it a minute?

She has to go, darling. No, that can wait.

No, no, this is an emergency.

She just told me. We'll be right back.

If we're taking a break, I'd like to go, too.

Do you, Anita, take Oscar as your lawfully wedded husband?

Madam?

Uh, I-I do.

Do you, Oscar, take Anita as your lawfully wedded wife?

I do. I do.

Certainly.

If there be anyone here who objects to this union,

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

I think that I had better speak.

I beg your pardon.

Well, I-I don't want to forever hold my peace,

so, uh, Oscar, would you talk to me

for a moment, please, privately? Excuse me.

We'll be right back, folks.

What's the matter, honey?

It's you! You're scared to death.

No, I was ready to go through with this.

You were praying for something to happen.

Like what? Anything. An earthquake.

I don't... Oh, now, that's not true.

Oh, Oscar, you were pressured into this,

first by Felix, and then by me.

You didn't even propose.

Yeah, but I meant to.

I know you did.

And I know you meant to try

to make the marriage work, but...

look, let's be honest with each other.

I'm no more ready for this than you are.

You're not ready for this marriage either?

I was so happy to find a man

who loved my children and whom they loved,

that, well, I just ignored the fact

that-that we're really not ready

for this kind of a commitment.

At least not yet.

You know, Anita...

I kind of feel the same way.

You're some kind of woman, you know that?

And you're a sweet guy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I have everybody's attention, please.

I have an announcement to make.

Would you come down here?

Look, after carefully considering

what we were about to do,

Anita and I jointly decided that...

there isn't gonna be any wedding.

Oh, I knew it. It's a fix.

Come on, Speed.

No!

Look, it's nothing personal.

You're great guests, and if we ever do get married,

we're certainly gonna invite you back.

Thank you very much.

Well, folks, that's the way the wedding cake crumbles.

Your presents will be returned to you.

No reception?

I ate light.

Felix, I'm sorry to disappoint you like this.

I'm gonna save you, buddy.

Folks, come back, come back.

We had planned some entertainment

for the reception, but so that it won't be a total loss,

we'll have the entertainment now.

Now, first on the bill will be The Amazing Unger!

No applause, please.

We have here a simple pitcher of milk.

Will you give me a drumroll, please.

Hey, hey, hey.

And so, your mommy and I decided that

for the time being I'd still be Uncle Oscar,

but I'm going to be visiting a lot, right?

And we're gonna go to the fair on Saturday.

You're gonna see that great magician,

and we're gonna see a Robert Redford movie.

Right?

Good night, Laurie.

So long, Mark. Good night.

I'll see you.

Thanks, Felix.

They're great kids.

I'll call you Friday.

I'll be here.

Oscar, I'm... I'm genuinely sorry.

Tell me the truth, is it my fault?

I pushed you? Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is the best thing for everybody, honest.

Who knows? Maybe some day we might, you know.

I hope so.

Listen. You can do something to help me, though.

Anything. Anything at all.

Could you lend me $300?

Because of the... the carpet I ruined?

No, no.

I bet Irwin I would go through with the wedding.

You bet on your own wedding?

Well, wait till you hear the odds he gave me... five to two!

I thought it was a sure thing! I didn't know...