Original subtitles

Come in.

Felix... Hi.

Murray, wipe your feet.

I gotta tell you...

Close the door.

What?

What's all the excitement?

You don't have your radio on.

Where's your radio? Ah.

No, that's a humidor that looks like a radio.

The football is the radio.

Oscar got it for being an usher at Dick Butkus's wedding.

So, if you want to talk, call 555-6181,

and I'll be happy to talk to you.

This is Oscar Madison, talking sports.

I'll be back in a minute.

He'll be back in a minute.

Oscar's got his own radio show.

Yeah!

You know, I was cruising around in my police car...

You know, nothing to do...

So I thought I'd listen to some police calls for a while,

but they're boring, so I changed stations.

There was Oscar...

His own show... That's a talented guy.

Yeah, but, why didn't he tell me?

Gee, I could have gone down there.

I'd have cleaned off his desk,

I'd have wiped off the mike.

I'd have told him exactly what to do

every single second he was on the air.

I'd never have left his side.

Why didn't he tell me?

Are you hurt, Felix?

No, I'm not hurt.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, beltaroonie time and I could I use one.

Where's mine?

In a pull-top can in the icebox, I'm sure.

Uh-huh.

Rough day?

Oh, day like any other day, just a regular day.

What did you do this regular day?

Covered the Yankee game, I wrote my column.

Did your radio show...

Yeah, did my radio show...

Oh, boy, no wonder we're having cocktails for one.

Well, I was hoping I could keep it

from you for more than one day.

Why do you want to keep it from me?

A whole city listening in...

I'm sitting here with the football off.

Because you're a buttinksy

and this is a very important opportunity for me.

I would love to have a radio show of my own.

Felix, they're trying all new formats down there

to fill those two hours.

You see, they tried political discussions and gardening,

now they're trying a sports talk show.

I know you'd want to butt in

even though you don't know anything about sports.

But I know everything about radio.

You do? Of course I do.

Radio's in my blood, mister.

In college I managed the radio station

for three years.

I did everything.

I was on the air.

I was the newscaster.

I was the disc jockey.

I wrote the shows.

The whole campus listened to the Big F.

The Big F?

That's me.

"Turn your dial for a while

"to the voice with a smile...

"F-E-L-I-X marks the spot...

"1290 on your radio dot.

Und dots a lot."

That's college humor.

Yeah, but college humor... That-that's amateur.

This is the big time. I was professional.

When I was a kid, I was on "Let's Pretend."

I played all kinds of parts.

I was a frog once... Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

I'm in the Actors Union.

Want to see a union card?

You were a member of the Radio Actors Union?

I still am.

Paid my dues for 20 years

waiting for radio to come back.

Then when it comes back, you don't tell me about it.

See, that's another reason I didn't tell you.

Felix, you gotta understand, this is not your big moment.

It is my big moment.

Now, I don't want to talk about my radio show anymore.

Just give me my dinner.

When I finish my martini.

I'll wait.

Then you heard the show, huh?

I thought you didn't want to talk about it.

I don't.

I don't want to talk about.

Did you like it?

There's only one thing wrong with your radio show.

What's that?

You don't have any personality.

Look, who's an authority.

"Und dot's a lot."

"Ribbit, ribbit."

What do you mean, what's wrong?

You have to have a distinctive style for radio.

You have to use your natural gifts on the air.

Yeah, but you can't see sloppiness on the radio.

There are other aspects of your personality

that you could use on the air

like hostility, sarcasm.

You're very good at that.

Those are your strong points.

I'm not kidding.

Nothing succeeds in boosting the ratings

like a touch of venom,

and that's right up your alley.

You're the best in the world at that.

I get the feeling I'm being insulted.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not kidding. I mean it.

Instead of saying,

"Very nice of you to call, sir."

You should say, "Get off the air, you stupid creep."

That's you.

That's hostility that sells.

People love it. Look at Howard Cosell.

Are you trying to tell me people love

to be called stupid creeps?

Within certain limits, yes.

But the main thing is, you weren't real, Oscar.

You weren't you. You know, you got a...

See, a couple of people,

they asked some very stupid questions.

I wanted to let them have it.

Why didn't you let them have it?

Get in there. Zing 'em?

I think you're right, because...

Of course, I'm right. You see,

I wasn't very successful.

I didn't get many phone calls today. Ah, ah, ah.

I'm gonna write down some hostile notes right now.

And you said I couldn't help you.

Give me a second.

Felix, all my pencils are broken.

Murray did it.

Hello. Hello.

I'm looking for Oscar Madison.

Oh, he'll be back in a minute.

Can I help?

I'm Tina, Mr. Madison's secretary.

Tina?

Where's Myrna? On vacation.

Ah... Be sure to get the ashtray.

Ah, you must be Mr. Unger.

Oscar told you about me, huh? Yeah.

What'd he tell you, a lot of neat freak jokes?

Yeah. Yeah.

He told you I polish my shoe trees?

Yeah.

Hat I use the Waterpik on my toes?

No, he didn't tell me that one.

But that's funny... use the Waterpik on your toes.

Hello everybody, this is the Big F.

Felix Unger broadcasting to you

from high atop the library building.

And now the news as the time will allow.

Berlin, Germany.

Today, Adolph Hitler announced his intention

of invading Poland.

"I love to invade," he said,

when questioned by this reporter.

And now the weather report for Mexico...

chili today and hot tamale.

And now it... Who are you?

I'm-I'm Felix Unger.

I'm-I'm a personal friend of Oscar Madison.

Well, I'm Jim Antrobus.

I'm the station manager. Ah!

Now, don't fool with that gear. Yeah. Okay.

You never can tell when a mike is live.

Oh, I can always tell a hot mike when I see one.

So you're in charge here, huh?

You're the man who decides who goes on

and who goes off?

Yeah.

Me and the listeners. Uh-huh.

See, all those little buttons there...

Don't touch it!

If a... a program is popular,

they light up like a Christmas tree.

Ah. It's a sign that people are trying

to get through on the phone. Uh-huh.

If no lights blink, no Christmas.

And no Christmas bonus, huh?

Hi!

Hi, Jim.

Good luck on your show today, Oscar.

I'll be listening in my office.

What are you doing here?

I came down to help you. You want to help me?

Go sit in the corner somewhere.

I'll be on the air in a few seconds.

Just remember one thing... Be mean, Yeah.

Be hostile, Okay.

Be yourself. Yeah, okay, okay.

Ready, Oscar?

Where's your announcer?

What announcer?

To tell the people who you are,

what you're gonna do in the new format? I don't know, Felix.

I'm not Ted Husing...

You're on the air, Oscar. Go!

Hi there, sports fans!

Don't be down, the man with the frown is coming around

to drag you down to the ground.

And here he is, Mr. Venom...

Oscar "Bad" Madison.

Uh, welcome to the Oscar Madison

sports talk show.

There's gonna be a lot of talk tonight.

Some of it you'll like, and some of it you won't.

Well, either way,

why don't you call 555-6181.

Let me know how you feel and let us get

to the first phone call right now. Hello.

Yes, ma'am.

What's on your mind, dummy?

Ooh, listen to this, hockey puck gang...

Here he comes, he's the champ.

Come on, champ.

The man from Mad... Mr. Mean himself.

Come on.

That board lit up like a Christmas tree, boy!

What about the cabdriver that did this to me

because of what I said about the Mets?

He's a fan. Yeah,

and the bartender who recognized my voice

and threw the beer in my face.

Another fan? You're darn right!

The only time you need worry is

when they stop throwing beer in your face.

Yeah.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Oscar Madison.

Who... Oh!

Calm down, will you?

Look at this, another one.

Wait, whoa!

What? Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

I said water polo is a dumb sport.

That's right.

Yes, I can swim.

Swim up what?!

Good-bye.

They love you!

They hate me! No.

They love to hate you.

Look, I never promised you that they would love you.

I promised you they'd listen to you.

Yeah, they listened to me, both fists are clenched.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

Oscar Madison?

Yes, sir.

Thanks! Keep listening!

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Bye. Huh?

Another fan, huh?

No, that was Antrobus from the radio station.

We have to cut out the hostility.

What?

He says people aren't listening to their radios anymore,

they're breaking them.

He's getting hate mail from Quakers.

Gotta cut out the hostility.

There's no problem. You adjust.

They don't want hostile... You give them Mr. Nice Guy.

You said they like Howard Cosell. No, no.

They don't like nice guys. Nice...

Nice is always nice.

It's another aspect of your personality.

You, with that wonderful charm,

that Madison charm,

that million-dollar smile...

Oh, come on, you can't see a smile on radio.

Oh, sure you can. Let's see the smile.

There, yeah, that's nice.

Look at that little bit of sandwich

in the tooth there.

See?

The face with a smile is the voice with a smile.

You'd better get out of here

before I break both of your legs.

Sit down.

Now, you're at the radio station.

You're getting a phone call.

You respond with charm, with Mr. Nice.

Go ahead. Pick up the phone.

The phone call's coming in. Hello.

No. Hello.

Hello. Nice.

Here we go, hello. Hello.

You gotta feel it a little bit from inside.

Hello... Yeah, that's right.

And... Hello, you stupid creep!

Why don't you get off the air?!

Listen, you pea-brained... Uh-uh-uh.

Charm, be nice. Okay.

Be nice. Well, I'm very glad you called, sir.

I'm interested in your opinion.

I'm not interested!

I can't talk to somebody like that. Yes, you can.

You be the gentleman. No, no, no. Somebody talks to me angry...

Nobody can do it. You be the gentleman. Of course you can.

Are you an angel or something? There's nothing to it. No.

Go ahead, you do it! Easy.

I recall my early training...

All right, let me see you do it.

Go ahead. Nothing to it.

Hello. Hello.

Is this Oscar Madison?

Yes, this is he.

Listen, you big-mouthed creep,

you don't know nothing about nothing!

Why don't you stop polluting the air

and get off it?!

Why, you ugly little ignoramus.

What happened to nice and sweet...

Nobody talks to me that way!

Feel better if you talked about it?

What's there to talk about?

For two days, I've been Mr. Nice Guy at the station.

I haven't gotten one phone...

Oh, yes, I did get one.

A guy wanted to sell me mambo lessons.

Oscar, what would you say

if I told you that I figured out a way

to make the Oscar Madison show the talk of New York?

I want to tell you something; listen carefully.

There are two things in this world I don't need right now.

That's you and a fungus.

Even fungus begins with "fun."

You make me laugh.

Gang, come on!

Morning, Mr. Madison.

Good morning, Oscar.

You brought an audience to watch me eat?

Bear with me, Oscar.

Believe me, what your show needs is a return

to those thrilling days of yesteryear when out of the past

came the thundering hoofbeats of real live radio!

You ready, cast?

Ready. Ready.

We're on the air!

Come on, Jimmy.

We got to get to the secret headquarters

of the mysterious Dr. Zwub before midnight

or the entire world will explode.

Yes, fellows and gals, it's time once again

for America's great crusader, the Adventuring Ranger!

Ranger! Ranger!

I don't believe it.

I wrote this in college.

And now, back to the Adventuring Ranger!

Ranger! Ranger!

Let's join the Adventuring Ranger

and his young cohort, Jimmy, as they make their way

through the dense jungle underbrush

towards the castle of the mysterious Dr. Zwub.

The Ranger speaks.

Just follow along behind, Jimmy.

I'll just put my foot

in your cupped hands here,

and lift myself onto the wall.

Jump up here

and grab the top of the wall.

Oh, stop with the...!

I can't eat with all those grunts going on.

You don't like the Adventuring Ranger?

Ranger! Ranger!

Will you whoosh yourselves out of here?!

Wait outside, cast.

I'll be outside with you in just a minute.

Oscar, this is real radio.

Felix, that is hardcore nonsense.

I'm doing a sports talk show,

not a kiddie matinee from the '40s.

Wait.

Better, better, better, better.

What's better? What's better?

We won't do the Adventuring Ranger.

Look how he listens, finally,

to a man who's been aggravated to death.

I'll write authentic, factual stories

of great moments in sports.

But you don't know anything about sports.

I'll make them up!

Now, you know what you're doing? Felix?

You got all your music parts? Felix?

Yes. I just read your script,

and this isn't the story about Babe Ruth and the kid.

The names are wrong, the places are wrong.

It's not the way it happened.

But it's better than the way it happened.

This is dramatization based on rumor.

Yeah, but I don't know... Madison!

This script is going out over the air?

Well, it's a new concept.

New concept?!

This is what killed radio.

We're gonna light up your switchboard.

This is going to make you the hero of broadcasting.

Who are these people?

This is my cast.

Well, I hope they're members of the union.

If they're not, they can't perform.

What kind of bilgewater are you pumping, mister?

Don't worry, kids, he can't do anything to us.

I'm sorry, it's union rules.

Union? You say union?

You want to see a union card?

I'll show you a union card.

What does that look like?

That is a union card. You're darn right.

All right, you're all right, but these two will have to go.

Sorry, kids.

That's radio, showbiz, better luck next time.

You see how smart I was to pay my dues?

Felix, this was written for four people!

So what's the difference?

This is radio; we'll double!

That's radio; that's the beauty part!

Okay, everybody set? Cast?

We're the cast. Right.

Sound effects! Music!

Okay.

What's that?

What's what?

That wheeze.

Oh, nothing, it's a smoker's cough.

One minute to go, Oscar.

You gonna be all right? That man's cough,

he's gonna ruin our show. I'll put it out.

I'll be all right, sure. Okay, you sure? Okay, let's go.

Get him out of here!

The guy's gonna ruin our show!

Would you mind waiting outside till this is over, sir?

Do I get paid? Yes, you'll be paid double!

Just get out.

Go, will you?

You know what to do.

You watched the sound effects; you'll do the same...

But I'm the narrator!

It's a small part. You'll do it.

I noticed that. All right.

Five seconds.

All right, everybody, cup your ears!

Hello, sports fans, and welcome to the new Oscar Madison show,

"Great Moments in Sports!"

Felix Unger, your host.

Right now, the star of our show,

the dean of American's sportswriters, Oscar Madison!

Your host is Felix Unger.

Thank you.

Let's get right to our story.

The year: 1932.

Extra! Extra!

President Roosevelt elected president!

The place: Chicago.

The windy city.

Babe Ruth, then playing for the Yankees, was looking forward

to that afternoon's World Series game with the Cubs.

The morning of the game, as was his wont,

he visited the children's ward of Mercy Hospital.

Dr. Churn, call Surgery.

Dr. Churn, call Surgery.

And now, the Babe speaks.

Gee, nurse, it sure is swell

to see all those poor kids in the hospital looking so perky.

It's you that makes them feel perky, Baby Ruth.

You're a peachy guy.

Ah, you're a grand girl to say that.

I'm just glad the good Lord allows me to be here.

Ah, look, here comes the doctor!

Hello, Doctor.

Say, hello.

I think I'll stop walking now.

I'm glad I caught you before you went out

to Wrigley Field, Bambino.

Oh, something I can do for you, Doctor?

There's just one child who hasn't seen you,

and it'll break his little heart if we don't stop by.

Aw, sure as shootin'.

Always time for a kid in trouble.

Right this way, immortal Babe.

And so, fate played a hand that afternoon in Chicago.

As they approached the bedside

of poor little Billy,

who was ill with a rare tropical disease

for which there was no cure,

he was sobbing quietly.

The nurse spoke softly.

The child stopped crying

when the nurse spoke softly.

Little Billy?

Yes?

The immortal Babe is here to see you.

Mr. Ruth?

Aw, just call me Babe.

Well, gee willikers, the great Bandido is here!

That's Bambino!

It sure is nice to see you.

Hey, kid, you got a radio?

Yeah, it's a keen one.

It doesn't get any static.

Well, you be listening to the ball game this afternoon,

and when the announcer tells you I'm up to bat,

I'm gonna point to a spot in right field grandstands

and hit a home run right into that spot,

and it's gonna be just for you, little Billy.

Peanuts! Popcorn!

Get it right here, ice cold beer, beer, peanuts, popcorn!

Later that day at the stadium...

Well, fans, it's the top of the eighth

here at Wrigley Field.

The bases are loaded.

The Babe steps up to the plate.

A hush falls over the crowd.

Wait a minute. What's going on here?

The immortal Babe is pointing to the right field bleachers,

and I'll bet it means something to somebody, somewhere.

Consuela gets his signal again.

There's the windup, and the swing!

It's going! It's going

right to the spot where the Babe pointed.

Oh, and listen to that crowd roar!

Even the dogs were cheering.

That's right. The immortal Babe hit that home run right

into the right field bleachers for sick little Billy Pomerantz.

But there's a postscript to this "Great Moment in Sports,"

and we'll have it for you in just a minute!

Great! Oh, that's great!

Look at the board!

Look at the way that board's lit up.

I don't know. The story... It's like a Christmas tree.

You're doing great. Now just keep the energy up.

Listen, you better look over the ending, because I rewrote it.

What was the matter with the ending we had? What?

Ready, Oscar? Let's go.

And now this is Felix Unger, and back to Oscar Madison's

"Exceptionally Great Moments in Sports!"

Well, folks, Babe Ruth went on to fulfill his destiny

in many more great moments in baseball,

but poor little Billy got sicker and sicker

until finally, one day,

when it looked like the end was near,

in far off England, in a tiny laboratory,

a miracle took place.

I say, Dr. Margolis,

I think I've done it.

Mm? What's that, Dr. Fleming?

I've discovered penicillin!

Yes, folks, penicillin!

The big "P."

The drug that cured the rare disease

of little Billy Pomerantz

and millions more like him.

Felix Unger here.

And as an interesting footnote, you might like to know

that Billy Pomerantz lives today quietly in a condominium

in Iron Mountain, Michigan,

the successful head

of the Pomerantz Joke and Novelty Company,

makers of the world famous Pomerantz Joy Buzzer.

This is Felix Unger reminding you

to tune in tomorrow

for Oscar Madison's "Great Moments in Sports."

This is Felix Unger, your host.

Well, they got hundreds of calls.

No kidding.

Isn't that great?!

Correcting the story. Well, that doesn't matter.

What did they think about it

in the front office? That's what counts.

Oh, they loved it... They're going

to keep it as a regular feature.

No kidding!

Only they're going

to use professional actors. We're out.

Well, I'm a professional actor.

What are you talking about?

I'm a member of the union.

Oh, come on, don't do that!

I can't act in radio without that!