Original subtitles

Will you stop with that terrible air freshener?

It's not air freshener, it's disinfectant.

No wonder it smells like the inside

of an ambulance here.

Put that cigar out, please.

No! I like it.

May I remind you that we have a guest in the house?

My little daughter Edna is in the other room with the sniffles.

Cigar smoke doesn't bother sniffles.

Oscar, please, it's not nice

for a little girl with a cold

to have to breathe cheap cigar smoke.

Put it out.

No. Give it to me!

You notice that Edna and I

are getting along a little bit better now?

Yeah, that's terrific. Yeah.

Well, until her mother comes back from Bermuda,

I think I've found the key.

You know what the secret is

for getting along with kids today? What?

What the Beatles said.

Let them be. Let them be.

I'm gonna make her some tea.

Let the cigar be... I'm gonna save it. No, no, no!

Whoa! It's got disinfectant on it.

I'll smoke it at night.

It'll keep the bugs away.

I'm going to get the concert tickets, Daddy.

Concert? Hey, classical, huh?

Classical.

She's going to a Paul Williams concert.

Have you heard him? He sings, not bad.

It's all in English.

He wrote great songs,

like "We've Only Just Begun,"

"You and Me Against the World"

and "Rainy Days and Mondays."

I know who Paul Williams is. Oh, all right.

I'll see you in the morning, Daddy.

You'll see me in the morning?

How's that?

Well, some friends and I are gonna stand

in line overnight to make sure we get seats.

Overnight... on the sidewalk?

Well, sure, it's fun.

No, no, no, I don't think that's fun.

No. Oh, come on, Daddy.

Don't be silly.

Even if you didn't have a cold,

I wouldn't let you stay overnight on the sidewalk.

But Daddy... You will not go!

Yes, I will. You will not!

What happened to "let them be,

let them be"? Go to your room!

What happened to "let them be"?

You can't let them be all the time.

What do the Beatles know?

To be a good parent, you must be authoritative.

The child must know who's boss.

They respect that.

Edna, don't be mad at me.

Come on, I'll buy you something...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

My daughter hates me.

She's only been here a short time.

Think how I feel about you.

Don't try to cheer me up.

This is serious.

I know why she wants to stand

in line all night long.

She's crazy in love with that Paul Williams.

Better him than Alice Cooper.

A little girl stand... she'll get pneumon...

Am I wrong? Tell me the truth.

Felix, sit down, all right, sit down.

Will you promise, if I tell you something,

you won't go overboard?

Please promise, all right? Yeah.

Now, don't jump, please don't jump.

I think I can get you tickets

to Paul William" concert... you're jumping. Oh, oh, oh!

See, I knew you were gonna jump... I told you...

that's I didn't want to tell you.

You'll make me a hero for life, she'll love me.

How... how can you do that?

About a year ago, I did an interview

with Paul Williams about gliding.

Gliding? He does that? Yeah.

Yeah, he gets in a plane with no motor,

a plane with a motor takes him up,

lets him go and then he glides.

Goes up without a motor? Yeah.

Why would a man do a thing like that?

Why would a man shampoo a rug three times a week?

Because you... Never mind, never mind.

If you do this for me, I'll...

anything, anything.

I'll cook anything you want for a month.

Creamed chipped beef on a doughnut?

Yeah. With raisins in it?

All right, now, now, remember please,

I said it's a small chance.

He's a big singing star, and I'm not sure...

Edna, Edna, we've got tickets

to the Paul Williams concert.

Yippee!

♪ And oh, we seldom get our due ♪

♪ When each day is through ♪

♪ I'll bring my tired body home ♪

♪ You and me against the world. ♪

There, there's the stamp I wanted to show you.

It's from Brazil.

Look, sweetie... Did Uncle Oscar say when he'd be home?

No, sweetheart. Well, when he called before,

why didn't you ask him if he had the tickets?

Because he couldn't talk.

He'd been gliding with Paul Williams,

and he was in no condition for a conversation.

Why not?

He was crying.

Look, sweetie, look.

He's home!

Oh, Mr. Unger?

Yeah. I'm Paul Williams.

Well, well.

Oscar, how was the gliding?

Uh, we ran into a little turbulence.

Look out for the tree! Oscar!

Oscar, you're... you're home now.

You're all right, you're all right.

I prayed, Felix, and my prayers were answered.

Felix, I promised God

tomorrow we'd move down to the ground floor.

Mr. Williams, I... Yes?

I want you to meet my daughter Edna.

She's dying to meet you.

How do you do?

Edna?

See?

I think she's in awe of you.

It's my curse.

Well, come in, would you like a piece of fruit?

No, thank you, I'm really in a hurry.

I wanted to... to bring Oscar home

and give you the tickets for the concert. Oh.

Oh, thank you, how very nice.

Edna, it was nice talking to you.

Wouldn't you like to have dinner with us?

How long are you gonna be in town?

You look as if you could enjoy a good meal.

Well, thank you, but, uh, after the show tonight,

I go to Albany for the weekend. Albany, huh?

A little club up there that I play

where I got my start, you know, so I go back.

Isn't that nice... Loyalty, I like that.

Would you like to go instead of me?

Just kidding.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Daddy!

Well, the old man's not such a party pooper, huh?

Oh...

You feel warm to me. No, I feel great.

No, no, you've got a bit of fever, haven't you?

No, really, I'm fine.

Come on, we'll take your temperature.

No, Daddy, really, I'm fine. Come on, come on!

How do you feel?

Oh, I'm great now.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death..."

Mm-mm.

Take it again. Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm.

I'm sorry, honey, I've taken it four times.

It still 102.

I've got to go to the concert.

You can't go, darling, I'm sorry.

You're such a bummer!

Is that a nice way to talk to your father?

Come on, cover up.

What's a bummer?

A person who never likes to have any fun.

Me, not like to have fun?

Me? I'm the king of fun!

Come on now.

Sit down here, sit down.

You can put your feet up because you're sick.

Cover up, and we'll have our own fun here at home.

We'll have a rock concert right here.

We'll rock with opera.

La Traviata.

Oh, dynamite.

You know what La Traviata means in Italian?

It means "the troubled girl",

and that's what you are because you're sick,

but you're gonna get better.

Now, this girl in the opera really has trouble

because she has consumption.

And you know why? 'Cause she didn't keep covered up

when she had a bad cold.

Anyway, she's a very lovely person,

but she's not quite the kind of person

I'd like you to know, because she is a...

member of the demimondaine.

She is a... she's a lady of the evening.

You mean a hooker, Daddy?

Where do you learn talk like that?

From your opera stories.

I gotta go to that concert!

I just gotta go to that concert!

Tell me the truth.

Am I a bad parent?

What should I do?

Tell me the rest of that dirty opera story.

Well, that was a great game.

We'll be back with the start of our second game,

Alabama-Navy, right after this message from our sponsor.

Oscar? Yeah?

Look at this, look at that.

Today, it's 99, isn't that great?

You see, I was right not to let her go

to that concert last night. Terrific.

Edna, soon you'll be normal!

With you as a father, she'll never be normal.

That's cute, coming from a nonparent.

Look, I've got to cover a wedding.

Take care of her, will you? Mm-hmm.

Just see that she's okay.

Don't let her go out.

That's the main thing. Okay.

Honey, I'm leaving now!

This is the bummer saying good-bye.

You heard what I told you, huh? Yes.

Okay.

Hello, Irwin... Oscar.

Yeah, I want to make a bet on the Navy-Alabama game.

Well, I know I lost.

Give me a chance to get even. I'm good for it.

Now what's the spread?

Three points? All right, give me Navy and three points.

Yeah, they can't lose!

Okay, bye-bye, Irwin.

Okay, folks, here we go.

Here come the Midshipmen out on the field.

Wait a minute, there's some kind of commotion down there.

Uh-oh, it's bad news for you Navy fans.

The quarterback was just bitten by the mascot.

He's out of the game.

For you mascot fans, he's fine.

Yeah? I'd like to see a goat throw a forward pass!

Hello, Irwin... oh, you're busy!

Now I can't get the bet off.

Come on... oh, I can't believe I...

Edna!

Edna?

I'm home, honey.

Guess who's home.

We're still pals.

How is she?

Well, you know, she...

"I'm leaving.

"I can't take it anymore.

I can't stand being treated like a child."

Oh, Oscar, we've been through this 1,000 times.

Turn it over.

"I'm going to follow Paul Williams.

Good-bye. Edna."

I'm sorry, Felix.

Well, say something, will you?

Will you scream,

will you holler, will you hit me?

Here, pour beer on me, ketchup, anything.

Don't be silly, I'm not going to be crazy.

I'm not going to be dumb.

No time for recriminations.

It's a time to... think.

Other parents have had to live with the pain

of a child running away.

Now I have to live with that pain.

What am I going to do?

I have to go to Albany... That's the thing to do...

And you're going with me. Of course.

Thanks for being so nice about it, Felix.

But first, I'll pour beer...

I can't do it, I can't do it.

Well, you should because I deserve it.

I'll do it to myself... Look at that.

♪ Though we seldom get our due ♪

♪ When each day is through ♪

♪ I'll bring my tired body home ♪

♪ Look around for you ♪

♪ And me against the world ♪

♪ It feels like you and me against the world ♪

♪ And for all the times we cried ♪

♪ I always felt that God ♪

♪ Was on our side ♪

♪ And when one of us has gone ♪

♪ And one is left alone ♪

♪ To carry on ♪

♪ Then remembering will have to do ♪

♪ Our memories alone ♪

♪ Will see us through ♪

♪ Think about the days ♪

♪ Of me and you ♪

♪ You and me against the world. ♪

Thank you.

Edna? Bless you.

I love coming back...

Edna? To you nice people.

It's good to be back at the Tippietoe Room.

Are you here? I'm here.

Shh!

I'm being as quiet as I can be.

Let me guess... You're looking for a table.

Rick, can we have a little light

for these elderly gentlemen?

We've got to get them to a table.

Right in front.

Don't be ashamed.

Buy him a cup of Sanka... on me.

I gotta tell ya, I don't do "Melancholy Baby"

until the second show.

I know these guys.

♪ It's just an old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ Playing on the radio ♪

♪ And wrapped around the music ♪

♪ Is the sound of someone promising they'll never go ♪

Edna!

Hey, that's not Edna.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter with you? Will you relax?

We'll look for her after.

♪ We've come to know ♪

♪ You'll swear you've heard it before ♪

♪ As it slowly rambles on and on ♪

♪ No need in bringing 'em back ♪

♪ 'Cause they've never really gone ♪

♪ It's just an old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ Coming down in three-part harmony ♪

♪ It's just an old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ One I'm sure they wrote for you and me ♪

♪ It's just an old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ Coming down in three-part harmony ♪

♪ It's just an old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ One I'm sure they wrote for you and me. ♪

Thank you, you've been nice.

Good night.

Look at that waitress.

Wow!

What's the matter with you? That's Edna.

It is?

Edna?

Daddy!

Oh, Edna.

Oh, my little girl, a waitress!

Look at all that paint on your...

May I borrow this, please?

Daddy, oh, please stop making a scene!

I'm not making a scene!

Will you sit down, please?

I want to know what's going on!

Sit down and order something.

I order you to come home!

I'm sorry, we're all out of that.

I will not have my daughter

be a waitress in a motel!

You're embarrassing me.

Will you please take a walk, let me talk to her?

Please calm down. Go ahead.

She's underage!

Quiet, will you?

Man.

Sit down.

Here, have a seat, sweetheart.

Honey, I've got to tell you the truth.

See, I'm kind of like your father.

I'm surprised.

You always seemed so sensible.

I'm still sensible.

You call running away like this sensible?

It seems pretty crazy to me...

unless, honey, you've got some plan.

I-I have a plan... to follow Paul Williams.

Why, you figure maybe someday you'll get

to marry him or something? No.

Well, do you think or you feel

you're in love with him?

No.

Then, see, I don't understand.

You see, that's just it.

Neither does my father.

But Paul Williams understands me.

Did you talk to him?

Did he tell you this? No.

I can tell by his songs.

He-He sings the things that I feel.

Vivian, no mixing.

They want you in the kitchen.

I really have to get back

to work now, Uncle Oscar.

Okay.

Well, what did she say?

I don't understand.

You don't understand her, either?

No, that's what she said.

I don't understand her, you don't understand her.

Only Paul Williams understands her.

Only Paul Williams understands.

Where was Paul Williams when she had the mumps?

Where was Paul Williams when she had the measles?

You mean, I should talk to Paul Williams.

I think so, buddy.

I'm sorry, sir, you can't go back.

I've got to see Paul Williams. I'm sorry.

I've got to see Paul Williams or I'll die.

It's always a matter of life and death

with you groupies.

He's resting backstage.

We're friends of his.

I know, everybody says that.

Can you take him a note, please?

A quarter?

What is this, your allowance?

Oh, very funny.

Here, here, here, will you take him the note?

Okay, I'll take it.

He's not gonna come out.

They never do.

Too busy with their fast women

and their fancy hair dryers.

Felix, will you relax?

It's only been ten minutes.

This is my daughter!

I know, but sit down, try to relax.

What are you doing?

You told me to sit down.

Why don't you sit over there?

I'd be lonely over there.

This is a chair for two.

I'm very grateful that you came along with me.

Oh... I don't have to tell you

I was getting a little bit hysterical.

Yeah, it was hard not to notice,

the way you kept trying to grab the wheel,

blow the horn...

And the bus driver yelling at me,

"Sit down, sit down!"

Felix, Oscar?

I told you he'd come.

I thought that was you.

I can't believe you came.

I mean, nobody comes to Albany.

You saw my note?

Oh, it's beautiful.

You... you must really love your daughter. Mm.

Will you talk to her?

Felix, I can't talk to her.

That would be lecturing.

I'm a... a singer, not a talker.

Oh, big deal,

Mr. Golden Record, teenage idol...

Now, that's not fair, Felix.

I don't have to be fair, I'm a crazy person.

Felix... relax.

Why don't you give me just a minute alone with her inside?

I-I might be able to help.

Really, trust me.

You're not a crazy person, either.

You're a nice man.

I'm gonna drag her home.

That's what I'm... Come on now.

Give him a shot, all right?

I'm going to get a cigar.

Don't ever have children.

Edna, sit down there, would you?

I just finished a new song.

I'd kind of like to get your opinion of it.

Mine? Yeah, sit down, sit down.

A fellow gave me a note.

I read it; it... kind of inspired me.

I... it said what I think I'd want to say

to my daughter, you know,

if I ever have one, you know?

Listen.

♪ And even though I'm not around ♪

♪ To pick you up the times you're down ♪

♪ You know I think about you each and every day ♪

♪ And though I feel a love for you ♪

♪ That's always growing, always new ♪

♪ The things I'm quick to feel I'm sometimes slow to say ♪

♪ So I lay awake and worry ♪

♪ Are you hungry, are you warm? ♪

♪ Why, there's nothing in this world too good for you ♪

♪ And then I turn around and make a list ♪

♪ Of things that you can't have ♪

♪ I only hope my good intentions still show through ♪

♪ You know the ones who love you expect the most from you ♪

♪ Once I held a perfect baby ♪

♪ You slept soundly in my arms ♪

♪ Now a woman is awakening in you ♪

♪ And I'll probably be jealous ♪

♪ When your first love rolls around ♪

♪ I guess that calls for extra understanding too ♪

♪ We'll order up a cup of tolerance for two ♪

♪ You know the ones who love you expect the most from you. ♪

Oh, that was beautiful.

Do you like it? It was really nice.

You know who wrote that?

Your father wrote that.

Daddy? I swear.

I swear, the... the words are...

are changed around a little,

but the feelings, they're his.

Oscar, buy you a short beer.

Did you really write that?

I didn't write the music, but...

The words...

I never heard you talk like that before.

I never said those things before.

Sometimes it's very hard to say things.

I know, it's hard for me, too.

How'd the wedding go the other day?

When you've seen one Polish wedding, you've seen them all.

Daddy, remember when I was little,

when you used to take me on your jobs?

It was the most fun I ever had.

Me, too.

Do you have a job tomorrow?

No.

Oh.

Well, that's okay, we can do something else.

You're getting so big.

That's 'cause I'm standing on the stage.

You look so cute in this uniform.

You know, when you set a table,

never put your fingers on the inside of a glass.

I love you, too.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

You know, something good came out of all this.

Edna and I are closer together

than we ever were before.

I'll tell you something.

I owe it all to you.

Oh... No, I really do.

You're a wonderful friend, Oscar.

I just hope you know that...

if the situation were reversed,

I'd do the same for you.

Just like that Paul Williams song...

♪ It's you and me against the world ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels it's you and me against the world. ♪

I'm betting on the world.