Original subtitles

You reading the funnies?

No, it's Oscar's column today. Yeah?

I didn't read it yet. What's in it?

Oh, it's f...

It's all about his softball league

in Central Park. Ah!

L-Listen, listen to this.

"A funny thing happened on my way across Central Park.

I got across."

"People see there's a lot of crime in New York.

"That's just a vicious rumor

started by a half a million victims."

I don't think that's so funny.

Hey. "Now spring is here, and the park is beautiful.

The tree was green, the bird was singing."

Wait, wait... Must be something wrong with me.

I don't know.

"Men and women holding hands... up."

That's disgusting! Stop it, you're killing me!

How can you laugh at tripe like that?

Well, it's funny tripe.

Hey, Murray, how you doing?

Hey, Oscar, this is funny! Yeah?

Funny. Thanks.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Why?

This is our beloved city you're making fun of.

Well, they're just jokes.

Just jokes? Yeah.

Just jokes, huh?

That's what the Polish people started saying.

"They're just jokes, Stanislas."

Now look at them.

Felix, you're too sensitive.

You're darn right I'm sensitive!

This city has been plenty good to me, and you, too.

And this is the way you repay it, with stupid jokes.

"People are holding hands... up."

That was a good one. That was a good one.

Stop it! Stop it!

What's the matter with you?!

Don't you see where this sort of thing can lead?

People will believe it.

Tourists will stop coming to town.

Business will fall off.

People will lose their jobs.

And all because of your lies.

No, no, no, they're not lies. They are lies.

No, they're not. No, they're not.

They may be exaggerations,

but these jokes are based on truth.

They're based on old, worn-out, stupid clichés,

and I can prove it. Go ahead, prove it.

Well, I...

No, go ahead... how you gonna prove it?

I can... Go ahead. Sure you can.

If I can prove that these clichés are false,

will you print a retraction?

Felix, if you can prove that one of these clichés is false,

I'll print such a column about New York,

everybody in the country

will want to move here.

You got yourself a deal,

Mr. Making a Fine Living in a City You're Knocking.

Okay. But you better do it fast,

'cause I go on my vacation to the Bahamas in three days.

Three days is all I need.

You're going to eat those words, and I'm gonna pour the ketchup.

I think Felix is losing his sense of humor.

Oh, forget about him.

Listen, you want to hear about a joke

I'm gonna have in tomorrow's column? Yeah.

I live in a very safe building.

Last night, there were three cops in my lobby all night.

They were afraid to go outside.

That's not funny!

I wasn't afraid, it was cold!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Those comedians with their jokes about Central Park.

What's more beautiful than New York on a Sunday afternoon?

It is nice, but what do you hope to accomplish here?

Well, I've been going about this the wrong way.

You don't stop New Yorkers when they're rushing off to work.

They're, they're busy people.

They're building the world,

they've got things on their mind. All right.

What do you want me to do? Well...

I want to explode the cliché that New Yorkers are rude.

Look at this.

Just look around; it-it's beautiful.

Nobody's grouchy in Central Park on a Sunday.

Look at that, people playing volleyball,

they're playing shuffleboard, people are feeding pigeons.

Look. Over there, you see?

Oscar's playing softball.

This won't take long, will it?

Why, what's your hurry?

Well, I've got to pick my mother up at the airport.

Your mother?!

She's coming here? Mm-hmm.

Where's she going to stay, with you?

Yes.

For how long? Couple of weeks.

You mean, she's going to be there all the time?

I guess so.

You mean, we... I guess not.

Ah, boy!

I'm sorry.

You're sorry, and after you just got over a cold.

These things happen, you know.

Yes, they happen all the time, to me.

I got it! I got it!

I got it! I got... oop!

Oh, I got it, I got it!

I caught it, fellas! Game's over!

Game's over there! There you go!

Five dollars a man! See you next week!

You cheated. Shh!

He cheated! You didn't catch the ball!

Shut up, will you?

What are you doing here anyway?

I'm going to explode the cliché

that New Yorkers are rude.

Are you crazy?

The people here are the same people

that threw garbage at you yesterday.

Only it's Sunday; they're taking a rudeness break.

All right.

I'll change my clichés. I'm allowed to do that.

Come here, come here.

Miriam, help me, help me. Yeah.

Look, now, you two...

What do you want me to do?

Beat the hell out of Miriam.

What? What?

Yeah, yeah.

Then I'll explode the cliché

that New Yorkers are indifferent to someone in trouble.

They'll come over to help.

Yeah, and I'll get arrested.

No. Then I'll explain to them

what's going on. Go on, go on. Beat...

This is gonna be interesting.

If it's all right with you...

I never beat up a woman. Where do you hit her?

Well, you just, you take her, you...

Felix!

It's her purse. Take her purse.

Give me that purse! He's taking her purse!

All right, what do I do? Hit her with it.

Hit her hard. Help!

Look what this man is doing! Help!

Okay, run away.

Run off with the purse. Help me!

Hey, you, come back!

Come back here, you... Don't come back.

You said come back. No, no, go!

Go, go, go!

Hold the purse high.

Look where, where he went!

Why doesn't somebody help this girl?!

Why don't you?!

Get up. You look ridiculous.

Get out of here!

It's her purse!

Come in.

Hi, Oscar.

Hi, Miriam.

Haven't you packed yet?

You're leaving in a little while.

It only takes me a minute to pack... there.

You're taking your dirty laundry to the Bahamas?

That's my clean stuff.

Where's Felix?

He's out, trying to explode clichés.

I feel so sorry for him.

He's really discouraged.

Is it raining out?

What happened, Felix?

Miriam, would you mind...

leaving me alone with Oscar for just a minute or two?

Oh, sure. I'll see you later.

Have a nice trip, Oscar.

All right, honey, I'll see you when I get back.

Bye-bye.

Why'd you send her out?

I didn't want her to see me fall apart.

She thinks I'm macho.

What happened?

A vicious child splashed me.

Oh, go off to the Bahamas.

Go with your victory.

I concede it. I concede it.

Aw, come on, buddy.

Now, don't take it so hard.

Look, you're gonna still see me off to the boat, aren't you?

Yeah, sure.

We'll go through the park.

We'll watch the lovers holding hands... up.

Aw.

We'll see the tree, hear the bird.

Aw, come on, Felix, please.

All right, I'll change my clothes, we'll get a cab.

No, we-we're gonna have to go by subway.

The cabs are on strike.

Is there no end? Is there no end?

New York!

Why are you doing this to me?!

Why, why, why, why me, your most loyal son?!

Shut up down there!

Could you see who it was?

Miriam's mother.

All right.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe I'm starting

a trip to the Bahamas on the IRT.

At least you're leaving.

I ride the subway every day of my life.

I haven't been on a subway in five years.

I can't tell you how much we missed you.

One of the reasons I haven't been on it, see.

That man's got a big mouth. Shh.

Don't talk to nuts on the subway.

Be happy, smile.

You're going off on a wonderful trip.

You're wearing your beautiful Bahamas shirt.

Oh, I'm gonna have such a good time.

Oh, boy. For two weeks, I'm gonna have fresh air,

a lot of women, gamble.

I'm gonna eat... oh, it's gonna be...

I envy you, I envy you.

What are you, one of the glitter people?

Come on, will you?

Again with the big mouth.

Where are we?

I don't know, we seem to be in a tunnel.

Uh, this is the conductor.

We seem to have an electrical breakdown.

All power is off.

We're stuck here indefinitely.

We'll try to keep the lights on as long as possible.

At least we don't have to look at your shirt.

You hear?

You see the hostility?

That's your typical New Yorker.

You thought you saw hostility in the park?

Wait till you see it here in the dark.

No, no, you're wrong.

Now you're really going to see something.

I was right... you'll see.

Remember, during the blackout?

A crisis brings out the best in New Yorkers.

It brings people closer together.

Anybody gets closer to me, they'll lose their face.

Just keep your mouth shut.

The secret is, you get people involved.

You ask them to help.

Oh, shh, will you?

Say, folks...

anybody in this car got a flashlight?

I don't hear anything.

What? It's dark.

They can't hear in the dark.

Anybody in our car?

Anybody got a flashlight?

Yeah, and if anybody comes near me,

I'll hit him over the head with it.

She heard you pretty good.

Would you turn it on, please?

It's broken.

Well, why do you carry it?

To hit people over the head with.

It takes a little time.

We've been able to restore partial power.

However, the train will be stuck here indefinitely.

Have a nice day.

I'll miss the cruise.

No, no, no, you're going to make it.

And if I don't? It's not the Staten Island Ferry.

They don't have one leaving every ten minutes.

You're setting the wrong mood.

Relax, be friendly.

Mind if I borrow your newspaper for a minute?

Hey, what am I, a library?

There you go. Give me the paper.

Can't be civil to the New Yorker.

Folks... my name is Felix Unger.

Backwards, that's Xilef Regnu.

I didn't like it frontwards.

Now, I think we should all try

to cooperate in a crisis.

Don't you? I mean, after all,

that's what New Yorkers are famous for.

Let's all see what we can do for each other.

Well, I got some food.

My wife and I were going on a picnic.

You see, you see?

Now, there's the right attitude.

I'll bet there are a lot

of people here who are hungry.

Well, I got some apples here.

A dollar apiece.

The sandwiches are four dollars,

and, uh, coffee is 70 cents a cup.

That's outrageous.

It's expensive to eat out.

Four dollars for a sandwich?

They're individually wrapped.

I can't believe this. I can.

Listen, later, you'll be begging for this food,

and then the prices will go up.

Listen, you got a tuna fish salad?

Aw, no, no, no, no, no, don't encourage him.

People, let's work together; let's help each other.

Felix. Yes, sir.

How come you and your friend are the only ones

sitting under the only fan that's operating?

Good point.

Very good point.

Tell you what...

we'll take turns sitting under the fan.

You see, people are starting to cooperate.

I don't want to take turns.

Just a minute. Me first.

All right.

This lady is first.

Then in a little while,

somebody else will sit under the fan.

When I'm good and ready.

Fair enough.

Claustrophobia.

You got that?

No, I just hope I don't get it.

What are you talking about claustrophobia?

There's no need to panic.

If you want some fresh air, we'll get some fresh air.

All you got to do is...

Help! Let me out!

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Just go sit down.

Everybody, don't get excited.

Don't panic. No need.

Just keep calm. Just keep calm.

Oscar.

Everybody, just be relaxed.

I think it's time for our Harvey Hanky to come out.

Who's Harvey Hanky?

Don't you remember Harvey Hanky?

Give me your pen.

Saved many a dull party

in the old fraternity house.

That's right.

When people feel like panicking,

you take out Harvey... What the heck is that?

Hi, there, folks.

My name is Harvey Hanky.

If you think it's stuffy here in this subway car,

you ought to try living in a pocket.

Well...

Well, what are you doing, Harvey?

Well, I thought I'd talk

to various people here in the subway.

Excuse me, sir.

You look like a nice man.

What's your name?

Say Oscar Madison.

What's your name?

Oscar Madison.

Oscar Madison!

That's a nice name.

Are you a native New Yorker?

Yes, I am.

Ah!

How long have you lived in New York?

All my life.

Oh, that's why you're a native New Yorker.

What are you doing here in the subway?

Dying of embarrassment.

Well, Harvey, what are you going to do now?

Well, I guess I'll talk to some more people

around here in the subway.

Here's a nice-looking man.

What's your name, sir?

Harry Hit.

Get out of here with that thing, will ya?!

Well, Harvey, I guess it's time

to put you back in my pocket.

Oh, no, no, no!

Please don't put me back in your pocket.

Yes, yes, I'm afraid...

Oh, no, no...

Who else shall we chat with around here?

Pencil, Felix?

Pencil. Yes, that's a very good idea.

I'll have a pencil. How much?

Two dollars.

Two dollars for a pencil?

Okay, swell.

Thank you very much.

This pencil's all chewed.

Don't you have a better one?

There we are. Thank you. Thank you.

Ah, I got a pencil here.

Well, no need to feel bored or restless on the subway,

plenty to keep you amused around here,

if you just have your eyes open.

"Learn to draw."

Anybody want to draw?

I got a two-dollar pencil.

What'll I do with this pencil?

Okay...

Well, let's see what we've got here.

Oh... "Find employment through the New York Herald."

Oh, isn't that clever how they abbreviate

all the words, just like in an ad.

"Incrs ernings. Get gd jb."

Bet a lot of people here would like to get a "gd jb."

Oscar, would you like a "gd jb."

I'm gonna shut "yr mth."

"Meet Miss Rapid Transit of the Month: Arlene Patulski."

Oh, she's a very good-looking girl,

much better than last month.

Boy, they touch these pictures up plenty, I'll tell...

You are... Yes.

You're Arlene Patulski.

Yes. Oh, wow!

We've got a celebrity in our car!

Hey, this is Miss Rapid Transit.

Meet her.

Hey, wouldn't you like to say something to her? Felix!

Wouldn't you like to go outside and kiss the third rail?

Come on.

Don't be shy, ask her something.

Well, how about getting this train moving?

How's that? Me?

Yeah, if you're such a big shot around here,

let's see some action.

What can I do? Folks.

Sure, sure, Miss Rapid Transit.

Probably the conductor's girlfriend.

You said it, pal.

Sure, if I played footsie with the conductor,

my picture would be up there, too.

I don't know.

I am nobody's girlfriend.

Well, then, what are you doing tonight?

Because I'm gonna miss the cruise.

I know a place... Oscar, Oscar.

What? Please.

Please, uh, I'm only a model.

This is my first time on a subway... I...

Oh... wha...?

Oh...

That's supposed to be up there all month.

Some people are so crude.

This is a job for Harvey Hanky.

Oh, it's... oh, it's worse.

Why don't you and that rotten hanky

sit down and leave everybody alone?

It's a nose job.

All right.

Give me a sandwich. What have you got?

Have you been eating up all the profits?

That's why we'll never get ahead.

All I got is liverwurst. I'll take it.

That's eight dollars now.

Eight dollars... are you kidding?

Give me half.

Nothing doing.

I'm not cutting up my last sandwich.

Who wants to go halvies on a liverwurst sandwich?

Chiseler.

All right, here's the eight dollars.

Wait, there's tax.

In your ear, there's gonna be tax.

Hey, there.

How are you, fella, huh?

What's the matter?

Something wrong with this dog.

He looks okay to me.

Dog looks okay to you?

Can you see this dog?

Big dog.

You're not blind.

Shh!

Here... take another pencil.

Have you no shame?

All right.

It's my brother Bernie's dog.

I always take him out when I need a few bucks.

Man, it's bright in here.

I give up.

That's it.

You're right, you win.

The whole thing is impossible.

Well, you know, there really is

something wrong with this dog.

She's going to have puppies.

Who are you, Marlin Perkins?

We don't have to be an expert

to know that she's about to give birth.

Hey, and she's about ready.

Can you do anything to help her?

I don't know how.

She don't know how from Ohio.

Somebody's gotta help the dog.

My brother's a doctor.

Is he on the train? No.

Well, what are you wasting my time for?

How about Felix?

How about him?

Well, he knew how to make a hanky talk.

I figure he knows everything.

Yeah, hey, your friend Felix can help the dog.

Why should he?

He's fed up, and I don't blame him.

Boy, you guys would take the spirit out of anybody.

You with your newspaper and your smart cracks.

You with your eight-dollar sandwiches.

Yeah, a phony blind guy

selling chewed-up pencils for two dollars.

Boy, you guys sure took it out of him.

You know, he was the last loyal New Yorker left.

I'm gonna tell you something, we're lucky

if he doesn't move out of the city forever.

Well, we should help the dog.

Come on. Yeah.

All right, we'll do something.

I don't know what to do, maybe we can help him.

Felix, if you do know something

about helping the dog, you should do it, you know?

Dogs don't need any help.

They know how to do it all by themselves.

They do? Of course.

Hey, I better tell them.

They're really worried. No, no, no.

Why not?

Now you're going to see a cliché exploded.

Felix, listen!

We've all been talking, and we're sorry.

The guy with the newspapers, he'll give you one.

And the fellow with the sandwich,

you can have anything he has.

And you can even sit under the fan,

but if you know anything about helping that dog,

could you tell us how to do it?

Well, let's take a little look.

See what we ought to do here.

Hey, here comes Felix.

Okay, let's give the dog plenty of air.

Lie down, sweetheart, lie down.

I tell you, we need newspapers.

Here, you can have my paper. We'll spread newspapers on the floor.

That's right... now, next thing we need,

we need hot water.

Who's got hot water?

I do. I was saving it for tea,

but I'll take the loss.

Good, good, great.

Now... Can I help?

Yes, we need bed sheets.

Where am I gonna find bed sheets on a subway?

Hmm, good question.

Men's shirts.

All the men, give me your shirts.

Yes... not you, you don't have to do it.

Now, you fan the dog with your shirts,

give him... give her plenty of air

and just be patient, don't get her excited.

You see that?

You see what I'm talking about?

That gruffness, that's just a pose.

That's just a mask.

This is the real New Yorker.

This is what people come from out of town

to meet and to love.

They sure fooled me, I'm telling...

Felix, I'm gonna write an article about this situation

that's gonna make you very happy.

You're going to apologize to New York, huh?

I apologize, New York.

And I think you owe me an apology.

I apologize, Felix Unger.

And I think you should apologize to me, too.

I'm not going to apologize to Harvey Hanky.

That's it... no, sir, no, sir.

I'm not going to apologize to him.

Put these lights on him.

Hey, fellas!

Everybody, give me a telephone call.

We'll all go to a movie next week.

So long, Mel!

Don't forget, we're having lunch soon.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, Felix. Good-bye.

Be careful now, don't get her excited.

They're very, very protective now.

Passengers, attention.

Please transfer to the opposite platform.

This train is going to the railroad yard for repairs.

You'll take your cruise ticket back,

and you'll get a refund.

And then, you'll spend your vacation

in the most popular vacation spot on earth.

Where is that? New York City.

I live in New York City.

You ever been

to the top of the Empire State Building? No.

You ever seen the Statue of Liberty? No.

You're a typical New Yorker.

We'll take the bus to Orchard Beach,

you'll put on your army shoes.

You'll walk in the sand.

And you'll see what a railroad yard looks like.

Hi, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Pretty good, thanks.

Do you know what today is?

Thursday.

Uh-uh. Guess again.

What?

It's a very important anniversary.

Oh, yes, Belmont Racetrack's 40th year.

Wrong.

Absolutely dead wrong.

What?

It is eight weeks to the day

that we were trapped in the subway.

So?

I brought you a little memento.

What?

Aw, I don't believe it.

Isn't that something?

Isn't that something?

What are you gonna call him?

I'm calling him Yawbus.

Yawbus... what's that?

"Subway" spelled backwards.