Original subtitles

Oh, Felix, with the noise, will you?

Oh! Whoa!

You scared me.

You-You were in Chicago.

When-When did you come home?

Half a minute ago. I just got in.

You traveled on a plane like this?

Yeah.

How come? Why did they let you?

Never mind, I don't want to know.

How-How was your trip?

Tiring.

Yeah?

The hotel I stayed at booked two conventions...

Megaphone makers and the guys who make bullhorns.

Every night in the stairwell they had an argument.

Always a story when you come back from a trip.

Yeah, very funny.

During the day, just for laughs,

they went around paging each other.

I'm going to bed. Your trips are a...

Don't you want a bite to eat? Come on.

As a matter of fact, I am hungry, you know that.

I'll tell you the truth, I never can eat on a plane.

I can't use that midget silverware.

Oh, good.

A lot of action around here while you were gone.

You got lucky?

Don't talk dirty.

I mean the election.

That playground issue is heating up.

What playground issue?

The playground issue.

The incumbent Councilman Simpson is still sponsoring that bill

to destroy the playgrounds and put up office buildings.

Oh, you made me do article on that. Mm.

Yeah, I called it "The Last Place to Swing."

I remember that. Yeah, yeah. Article?

Boy, that was a manifesto.

The public reaction to that article was so great,

it inspired us to run a candidate

against Simpson this election.

Are you crazy?

Simpson's run unopposed in this district for 14 years.

I know it and this time he's going to be opposed.

Well, good luck.

What kind of an idiot agreed to run against Simpson?

He agreed?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

This is it.

Madison for Councilman headquarters.

This is it? Yeah.

I've got four volunteers?

No.

The old lady came in for a banana cake

and I enlisted her.

This is a bakery.

Used to be.

Used to be Kraussmeyer's Bakery.

Have a number.

17. Lucky number.

What happened to Kraussmeyer?

Haven't you heard? No.

They closed him down. Why?

Yeah. In the back room, he was running a massage parlor.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

Hello, Phyllis.

Felix. Huh?

Who are they?

Gypsies.

What are they doing here?

They got here first. It's a vacant store.

I'm sharing with them.

I gave them a chicken.

See what you're getting me into and...

Look, Oscar.

I know it looks crazy, but this is the way you begin.

And you've got the issue.

Playgrounds.

And what's more important,

you believe in it and people will believe you.

They will?

Of course they will. Trust me.

You see, what I'm afraid of is...

I don't know how to campaign

and I'm liable to make a fool out of myself, see?

You're talking to Douglas Dignity.

Would I let you do anything wild?

You'll talk to people from your heart.

You'll shake their hands.

That's all. That's all?

That's all.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

All right. Great.

We have to be at the Bronx Zoo in 30 minutes.

Why?

I want a picture of you sitting on a giraffe.

"Madison Rides High."

What happened to Douglas Dignity?

Mr. Madison? Yeah.

I can't afford a contribution,

but I could pierce your ears.

Thanks, but... I use clip-ons.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hiya, Murray.

Oh, am I exhausted.

I've been all over town.

I hung up more posters than the FBI.

I'm tired of looking at my face!

Go take a nap. You can't.

Why not? Felix called.

He wants you to meet him at this restaurant.

Yeah, is it in a hotel?

I'm tired, I'm not hungry.

He said it's a big breakthrough

for your campaign, Oscar.

You got to go.

Yeah? Oh, come on.

I don't have a chance in this campaign.

Sure you do.

Felix said you got the Gypsy vote.

Now he's working on a different group of people...

Folks who own their furniture.

I don't even have change for the subway.

Here's some change.

Consider it a campaign contribution.

Hey, no special favors, Murray.

I'm a policeman.

Of course not.

We didn't come here to eat.

Well, what did we come here for, the busboys' vote?

Do you know Howard K. Smith?

Yeah, I've seen him do the news on TV.

Yeah, he eats here.

There, you see him, you see him?

I'm going to get him to mention you on his TV show.

Do you know him?

He lives right next door to us.

Do you know him?

Well, I pass him on the street all the time.

I nod, I say hello.

Mr. Smith?

Hi, Felix Unger.

I want you to meet the next city councilman

from your district, Oscar Madison.

How do you do, sir? Hi, sit down.

We can only stay a moment.

I'm, uh, having lunch.

Oh, we already ate.

I'll get right to the point.

Do you mind if I have my food?

Oh, sure, surely.

Two starches, huh?

Why don't we let the gentleman have his lunch?

You see? You see the kind of man he is?

Full of concern for his fellow citizen.

Mr. Smith, are you aware of the issue

in the Madison versus Simpson campaign?

No, what is that?

Good versus evil.

Strong issue.

Where do you stand on it?

You looking for something?

My coleslaw. Ah.

Waiter!

Mr. Smith's coleslaw.

I'll have an iced tea.

You want something?

Hemlock.

Separate checks.

Excuse me, um,

I don't like to talk politics while I'm eating.

You're right. May I eat?

Surely.

We'll wait.

Clean your plate.

Oscar, hurry, you're going to miss the commentary.

Tonight's commentary concerns

a local election here in Manhattan.

A sportswriter named Oscar Madison

is waging an underdog campaign for the city council.

I met Mr. Madison and his campaign manager

over lunch today.

After they made sure I ate it all

and trimmed the fat and chewed it thoroughly,

they told me the issue.

Mr. Madison is trying to save our neighborhood's playgrounds.

He is trying to spread his word without much money.

In fact, they stuck me for the price of the iced tea.

But it's a word that should be heard.

They're making up in drive and in enthusiasm

for what they lack in resources and in manners.

There's a place for these two men in politics,

but not at my table.

Good night, Harry.

Am I a campaign manager?

Boy, that's terrific.

It went coast-to-coast, right? Yeah.

Now everybody in the country knows you're a pest.

Let 'em.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

All right, everybody.

Volunteers.

Everybody, give me your attention.

Now, Oscar Madison has been out on the streets of this city

since early morning, working his heart out

for you and you and you and me.

I think that when he comes back,

we should greet him with a rousing welcome.

What do you say?

Good, okay.

Back to the barricades.

Oh, boy, there's really a great feeling in this room,

isn't there? Yeah, where is Oscar anyway?

He's out making contact with another group,

another ethnic group.

I thought he'd hit 'em all by now.

We leave no stone unturned.

There he is.

Hey, you look sensational.

Did we get the Indian vote?

All three of 'em.

Yeah.

Did you hear the great news? What?

Miriam took another poll.

You're up to 17%.

Hey, that's pretty good, isn't it?

Hey, did you see the afternoon paper?

No. I did.

Murray. What happened?

Oscar. What?

Simpson concedes on the playground issue.

You're kidding. Everybody,

give me your attention.

Great news.

Gypsies, everybody.

Simpson has conceded on the issue of the playgrounds.

We keep our playgrounds.

Yeah!

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, do you know what this means?

Yeah, it means we get to go home.

What are you talking about?

No, she's right.

We got into this campaign to settle the playground issue.

We did it.

Hey, you all did some terrific job.

Thank you all. I'm going to the racetrack.

No, Oscar.

Oscar, Oscar, come back.

Oscar.

You can't quit now.

I won't let you.

Oscar.

Breakfast.

I do not choose to run.

Aw, come on.

Wh-Where's your patriotism?

What do you want me to be,

the father of Lexington Avenue?

I won the campaign that I wanted to win,

and that's all there is to it.

Mm. But if you were councilman, you could do so much more.

You could put great, big, handsome trash baskets

on every corner.

You could wash the Statue of Liberty.

You could put those ugly fire hydrants underground

so the dogs wouldn't have a tendency.

Look, it's a... it's ridiculous to think that I could win.

Why?! Why?

One reason... we have no money.

That's why. Did Washington have money?

Somebody bought those cute wigs for him.

He had spirit.

That's what he had! Yeah.

He believed in what he was doing, and he had spirit.

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Bryant. Yes.

Will stop it already with the drums?!

It's my publisher.

Yes, Mr. Bryant.

Well... Well, to be honest,

I-I was thinking of withdrawing, sir.

I agree with you.

That would be a stupid idea.

Well, it was just a fleeting thought.

I mean, I... I certainly would.

Yes, sir.

Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

What? What?

You're not gonna believe this. What? What?

The publisher... he wants me to continue with my campaign.

Hmm?

He said that spot with Howard K. Smith,

it gave the paper a lot of publicity. Yeah?

He doesn't like Simpson... But listen to this...

He's gonna finance our campaign!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh!

Congratulations...!

All right, all right, all right, all right now!

Everybody got what they want. Please.

Now, come on. It's early in the morning.

Let me have my breakfast, okay?

I mean, it's so early. My...

Give me the sticks!

Oh!

♪ ♪

What is this?

I thought we were going on television.

This is television.

This is The Igor Show.

Igor is a big star, buddy.

We're gonna talk in front of horror film fans?

They vote.

Horror shows are big.

Five seconds, Igor. Let's go.

You guys get off the set. Sorry, Sorry.

Three seconds, Igor.

Where's Igor?

I don't know.

We shall return

to tonight's horror movie,

The Mysterious Planet Debbie,

right after this word from Councilman Simpson,

who is running for reelection in the 34th Council District.

Mr. Simpson!

Ah!

Thank you, Igor.

You're welcome.

Good evening, friends.

On behalf of my lovely wife, Edith,

and my little girl, Irene, and my son, James,

I would like to thank you for the privilege

of having served you for the last 14 years.

During this campaign,

I have been opposed by Mr. Oscar Madison,

a public spirited citizen

who has brought to my attention

several pressing community problems.

And, uh, for this, I would like to thank him sincerely.

Mr. Madison.

However,

when you go to the polls tomorrow to cast your vote,

I urge you to place your confidence

in a man with experience.

I would like to remind you

that it was I who got the additional police protection

for our neighborhoods.

And I would like you to remember

that it was I that engineered the federal funds

with which we improved our schools.

Lastly, I would like to remind you

that a vote for Simpson is a vote for progress.

Thank you very much.

We're going home now to pop some corn.

Thank you, Councilman.

Now boys and ghouls,

back to The Mysterious Planet Debbie.

As you recall, our hero, Dr. Rontor,

was struggling with the awful curse

of the Casaba people.

Seems like a nice guy.

Igor? He's a pussycat.

Not Igor. Simpson!

Did you fall for all that malarkey?

Listen, you're the man of the people.

You're gonna wipe him out.

I don't know. He looked pretty appealing.

His kids were so cute,

I wanted to go and hug 'em myself.

You're on in ten minutes.

Where you going?

I'll be right back. I'll be back. Where? Where?

Look, you watch the film on the monitor.

It's a real goodie. I've seen it seven times.

Here comes the part

where the giant cockroach swallowed Rhode Island.

Rhode Island?

Big Deal. Three bites.

Igor?

Next week, the bagpipe and the octopus engage.

No, no, no... Oh...

The cockroaches are still eating Rhode Island.

That's all right. Go back. I'm sorry.

Aw, don't cry, folks.

It was only Rhode Island.

Didn't you just love the part

where he spit out Providence?

Now, right after this commercial,

we'll be hearing

from Councilman Simpson's opponent,

Oscar Madison.

Commercial rolling!

Oscar?

Please.

Thank you, Igor.

Come on.

Where have you been?

I'll be on the air in ten, 15 seconds.

Come on. What are you...? Come on.

Who are these people?

All right, just... Campaign... Scoot a bit.

Felix, what are you doing?

Who are they? Put your arms around them.

Why? I don't even know them.

What are you doing? Put your arms...

Who are they?

Those are your loved ones.

My loved ones? Oh, no, no, no. Yes, yes.

I know what you're doing. They're not my loved ones.

No, get... No, no, I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it!

Three, two. Please!

One! Go!

Good evening, everyone.

My name is Felix Unger,

and I have the great good fortune and honor

to be the campaign manager for Oscar Madison,

who was unfortunately called away

to help a needy person.

I am surrounded by Mr. Madison's loved ones.

But who wouldn't love the brave hero of Anzio,

who single-handedly saved an entire platoon...

The famous 143rd Melting Pot Platoon?

Italians, Jews, Puerto Ricans...

You name 'em, he saved 'em.

Felix?

Felix? And here is Oscar Madison.

How are the needy people?

They're fine, Felix, they're fine.

My campaign manager, Felix Unger, gets carried away

and has a great sense of humor.

Now, these are not my loved ones.

They're very nice people, I'm sure,

but they're not my loved ones,

and I was not a hero at Anzio.

I would like to be your councilman.

I think I did a good job on the playground issue,

and if you do elect me,

I'll try harder to do even more for you.

Thank you very much.

We're into commercial.

Thank you. Thank you.

Here's your dollar.

Here's your dollar. Thank you...

Here's your dollar.

I don't know why you're so mad at me.

If I made a mistake,

it's only because of overzealousness.

Yeah. I went too far, all right.

Try to get me votes from, who, ghouls in Transylvania?

I admit that ethnically, it wasn't probable,

but she's gonna vote for you.

She's gonna vote for you. Felix...

What are you gonna do, fire me as your campaign manager?

No, I don't want to fire you.

I just don't want to go through that craziness.

"These are your loved ones." How do I handle that?

All right, no more craziness. No more craziness.

We got one more day, and, baby, we're gonna go.

Where?

To the top!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

FELIX: ♪ Oscar Madison for council ♪

♪ He is A-OK ♪

♪ His enthusiasm mounts till the election day ♪

♪ Never frowning, always smiling ♪

♪ Oscar cannot miss ♪

♪ Cute and sweet and so beguiling ♪

♪ A face you love to kiss! ♪

And so, election night draws to a close over New York,

ending one of the most harrowing campaigns

in local history.

The 34th District had the largest voter turnout,

and the final count is now in.

It's Simpson with 5,413 votes,

and Madison, 5,280 votes.

Simpson retains his council seat.

Now back to our regular programming.

Simpson is the winner.

Hey, come on here.

What's the matter with you people?

We got 48% of the vote.

What are you depressed about?

Do you realize we almost took an election away

from a man who's been around 14 years?

I guarantee you, Simpson'll be on his toes from now on in.

You know who's responsible for this mostly?

My best friend

and my campaign manager, Felix Unger,

and he'll explain it better than I will.

Go ahead.

I wanted to win!

It's all right, buddy.

It's all right...

Hershel, the chicken's ready!

Felix, it's an hour and a half already.

You're not listening to me.

Now, hear this.

Now hear this. You did very, very well.

Your problem was that you had dreams of grandeur.

You even pictured me as the president, didn't you?

Come on, buddy!

Let's go out of here proud.

I can't tell you...

You did a great job, and I'm so proud of you,

and I want to thank you for everything you did.

Come on, buddy, let's go home.

You were terrific.

Thank you, Oscar.

Come on, let's go.

Ah, this is all over.

Now, hear this, World,

you won't have Oscar Madison to kick around anymore.