Original subtitles

Hello? New York Herald?

Oscar Madison, please.

He's not in?

Well, let it ring, Operator.

Sometimes he can't find the phone under the rubble.

Hello? Sports Department?

Is Oscar Madison there, please?

What? He's out on an interview?!

Well, doesn't he know

he's over an hour late for dinner?

That I've got a meatloaf in the oven

that's slowly turning into a footrest?!

Why doesn't he tell me before he goes out on these things?

No, this is not his father.

No. No message.

I'm sure he'll come home in his own good time.

Well, Oscar, old buddy, you got any more questions

you want to ask me about my football team?

No. No, I got enough material for my column.

Now, this is the way a man should work, see?

Ten questions and a winning hand, I'll telling you.

Oh, and Sam, you still contemplatin', boy?

We're only in New York for the weekend, you know.

Don't rush me.

I got five card, but only two eyes.

Listen, Oscar, I'm givin' this here charity bash

Saturday night, and, uh, I'd be mighty pleased

if you and the... the filly of your choice,

uh, would consent to come.

Thanks. I'll be there.

Yeah, it should be quite a hoedown.

I got the top-notch band, boy.

I'm flyin' Ma Gump and her Tumbleweeds in from El Paso.

Ma Gump?

The kindest, sweetest,

most toe-tappin' lady you ever saw.

58 years old,

and tobacco spittin' champ of Dawson County.

No kidding?

Now, I got four red cards, one black.

I'm yellow. I quit.

Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Oscar.

Yeah, Billy Joe, cost you $100 to see me.

I hope that's not gonna scare you.

Shoot, I tipped the cabdriver more than that yesterday.

Okay, buddy, here's your hundred, and, uh...

Okay.

I raise you $500.

You raise me $500?

Listen, I got you beat, but I'm all tapped out.

Well, let's not hassle over a few measly dollars.

I'll trust you for it.

You will? That's what I love... a gentleman's game.

I got a full house... Three kings, two queens.

Sorry about that. Uh, uh!

I'm afraid I got you whipped, Oscar.

Two pair.

Since when does two pair beat a full house?

When they're two pair of aces.

Four aces?

That's all there are.

Well, you're a little short, buddy,

but 500 bucks... that ain't much.

No, that ain't much.

Shoot, I tipped my doorman more than that yesterday.

Billy Joe, I got bad news for you.

It looks like Ma Gump ain't gonna be able to make it up

from El Paso this week for the dance.

She's in a family way.

I thought you said she was 58 years old?

Well, now, she's a right pretty girl

when she's got her teeth in.

Now, look, Dick, buddy,

you gonna have to get me a real country band pronto, boy.

That ain't gonna be easy, Billy Joe.

All the good bands is down in Nashville this week

for that Country Music Roundup.

Now, listen, buddy,

you are my business manager.

Now, come Saturday, I want to hear a band, not excuses.

I'll get right on it, Billy Joe.

Oh, Oscar? Yeah?

About that $500 you owe Billy Joe?

Yeah? He'll take your check.

Well, that's no good.

You see, this month's service charge wiped me out, see?

Uh-huh.

Will he take an IOU?

Well, the last fella that tried

to give Billy Joe an IOU got about as far as the "O"?

As far as the "O"? Yeah.

They found him a couple days later,

coughing up the ace of spades.

Well, won't he give me some time to pay him back?

Well, how much time you gonna need?

Well, let's see, there's the back alimony,

the bookie, the food, there's the rent.

See, but I could the stall the food and the rent.

About 11 months.

Billy Joe allows only 24 hours.

Oh, okay.

I'll get it from my roommate.

As long as you get the $500 up

by 7:00 tomorrow night.

Well, don't worry, he's my best friend.

When I tell him I'm in trouble,

he'll give me the money like that.

I'll tell him what happened.

I had a full house, the guy put four aces.

He understands about things like that.

I'll trick him into it.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hi, buddy.

Don't ask me about my arm.

I don't want to upset you.

Oh, boy, what a pleasure it is to come home.

Look how you set a nice table, you know?

No matter what kind of a jungle it is out there,

it's always so nice to come here.

Flowers, everything so nice.

All right, Felix, what's the matter?

Something's wrong.

I can tell by your conversation.

You're late.

I'm sorry.

You're over an hour and a half late!

All right, I'm sorry. Come on, let's eat.

We'll talk about my sore arm later, okay?

"Come on, let's eat. We'll talk about it later."

What am I supposed to do, go and get your food for you?

What am I, your slave?

From now on, you're gonna get your own food, do you hear that?

What I'm doing now... I'm never gonna do this again.

What is this that's next to my sore arm that hurts?

It's your ex-meatloaf.

Rest in peace.

It's not bad.

Just needs some ketchup, that's all.

See if I can open it.

Oh.

I don't know why I cook for you,

'cause people like you don't even appreciate a decent meal.

That's why they have TV dinners.

I said I was sorry.

That covers it, huh?

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

No way!

I want your solemn promise this will never happen again.

Do I have your promise?

Yeah, I promise, I promise!

I've got a closet full of your promises.

What's the matter with your arm?

You noticed. I didn't want...

I didn't want you to notice, upset you like that.

What is it? What's the matter? No, no...

Oh. Well, I was on the subway.

Yeah. 42nd Street.

A guy got on, he must have been drunk.

His head got caught right in the doors.

I went over, I rushed, I opened the doors.

Oh, but he got his head out, but right on my shoulder.

Oh! Right on my shoulder.

Oh, but you saved that...

It hurts. It hurts, huh?

Oh, yeah, but it's all right, I can live with it.

I'm gonna get a beer. You're coming with me.

I'm taking you straight to the doctor.

I've already been to a doctor.

Now, I can do without the operation.

What operation?

I told you forget the operation.

I can't afford it anyway.

Don't... Not with your teeth.

Let me do this for you.

Oh, thank you, buddy. It's nice. Thank you.

Thank you.

How much is the operation?

$500.

Still, $500 is not so much for an operation.

It is to me. You sit down.

I'm going to loan you the money.

Oh, no, I can't ask you to do that, Felix.

I don't want to hear another word out of you.

We're friends, aren't we?

You'd do the same for me.

Yes, I know, I mean, I can't ask... You'd loan me $500.

I told you, I don't want to hear another word.

I don't mean to do it, I swear I don't. Where's my checkbook?

You usually keep it in the middle drawer right here.

You bunco artist.

Have you no shame?

No.

It's not enough that you come home late for dinner,

but you give me that sleazy story about subways and arms.

All right, I gave it a shot.

It didn't work. I got to find something else.

Thought you could play on my sympathy, didn't you?

But I'm too smart for you.

That $500... I'm telling you this, mister...

It's earmarked for a trash masher.

Why don't you give it to me?

We'll live with loose garbage.

Now hear this, Madison... new rules.

I'm laying down the law.

From now on, no more late for dinner,

and no more crazy stories about the subway, comprende?

Eat your meatloaf. It's good.

Will you stop nagging?

I'll eat it already.

And if you expect any dinner tomorrow night,

you better be on time,

because I'm having the Sophisticados in.

Who are the Sophisticados?

You know my band, the Sophisticados.

Don't make any remarks. Come on.

How... how's it doing, your band?

I told you, no smart remarks, didn't I?

My band's doing all right.

We need one good break, that's all.

Yeah... like Ma Gump getting pregnant.

Ma Gump is pregnant?!

That's why you need the $500, isn't it?

You're disgusting!

This is the last time I'm getting your dessert.

Hey, Oscar. Hi, Dick. How are you?

You raised the money. You come to pay off.

Well, not exactly.

Boy, howdy! Wait a minute, will you?

Now, did Billy Joe get a band for the party?

No, he didn't, and he's all riled up about it.

Don't worry. I'm gonna rile him down.

Dad-burn it, I almost got Ma Gump's sister,

Hoedown Harriet, to play for us,

but she won't work on Gabby Hayes' birthday.

Uh, buddy, you come to pay up?

Well, listen, Billy Joe, I've been thinking.

You're a rich man. Now, what does money mean to you?

Everything.

Well, I was thinking about paying you off

in something more important than money.

What, you got oil?

Something more important than that.

I can get you a band for your party.

Don't play with me, buddy.

I'm not playing with you.

Now, I can get you a band... It won't cost you a penny.

I'll donate it to your favorite charity.

Hey, you know, now that would really

pull me out of the well, buddy.

You can get me a real country band?

The countriest.

Boy, you get me a country band, and I'll forget the $500

you owe me. Hey, it's a deal!

Okay.

Hey, wait a minute, old buddy.

What's the name of this here band?

Oh, uh, Felix "Red River" Unger and His Saddle Sores.

Oh, and they play the countriest music

you ever heard in your life.

♪ Do wah! ♪

Felix Unger and the Sophisticados,

ladies and gentlemen.

Wow, that... that is so sophisticated.

That is so good.

We have not lost our touch, fellas.

We're good. We're good. Ah, boy.

Felix, if we're so good, how come we can't get a gig?

We will, we will, Vern.

It just takes a little time, that's all.

Don't get down.

Yeah, listen, I read somewhere

where it took Ishkabibble

a good six years before he made it big.

There you are, there you are.

You said we'd work, we'd be seen. We will.

There's a call for sophisticated music...

Hey, your music sounded terrific out in the hall.

Play another one, will ya, fellas?

Yeah, okay, come on, let's go.

Did I hear anyone say, "Horns up?"

You're late again.

What's your crazy story this time?

Making a baby shower for Ma Gump?

I'm sorry.

Stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister.

Horns up.

Maybe you're not interested in a job.

What job?

For you and the band.

That's why I'm late. Where?

At the Ritz Towers.

It's for some football fans.

They're here to see the Jets game.

The Ritz Towers.

Fellas, I told you we'd work.

Oh, that's so great.

I'm sorry I snapped at you, Oscar.

Stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister.

Hey, that's a good one, Oscar.

How much do we get paid?

Try nothing.

Nothing? Yeah.

Nothing doing, buddy.

This is a charity. Your band gets to be heard

by a lot of rich people.

Who knows what can happen?

Charity? Yeah.

Do we have to dance with the singles?

No, no mixing. What do you say?

The Ritz Towers.

Hey, that's a very sophisticated room.

Let's do it, guys. What do you say?

Thank you. Let's do a song for Oscar.

Yeah, I like a folksy one, okay? Yeah, number 23.

Yeah, okay. Go ahead, folksy.

♪ Golly gee ♪ ♪ Jeepers Creepers! ♪

♪ Where'd you get ♪

♪ Where'd you get those peepers? ♪

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪ ♪ Where'd you get ♪

♪ Where'd you get those eyes? ♪

♪ Where'd you get 'em? ♪

♪ Golly gee, when you turn those heaters on ♪

♪ Woe is me ♪

♪ Gotta put my cheaters on ♪

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪

♪ Where'd you get those peepers? ♪

♪ All those weepers ♪

♪ How they hypnotize! ♪

♪ Where'd you get those eyes? ♪

♪ Eyes, where'd you get those eyes? Bah! ♪

♪ Do wah... ♪

You don't want to see this room, Felix.

Of course I want to see it.

I've got to check the acoustics, the microphone.

I already checked them out on the telephone.

How can you check them on the teleph...?

What's this? What's what?

Straw on the floor. What is this?

That's right, it looks like straw, doesn't it?

What's this stuff, what is it?

Oh, this is fertilizer.

Felix, look at this... A nice microphone,

goes up and down for a nice singer like yourself.

What a mess.

Look who I'm talking to about a mess.

The acoustics are pretty nice.

You hit the straw, it comes right back to you.

Really hit the skids, I'll tell you that.

That's real wires...

Felix Unger and the Sophisticados are a class act.

We will not perform in this ambience.

What are you talk... this is a great ambience.

Maybe the other guys will like this ambience.

Hey, Oscar.

Glad you're here, buddy. Oh, hi,

Billy Joe, nice to see you.

Billy Joe, I'd like you to meet my roommate

and your conductor for tonight.

He came here to check the room.

Well, now, I'm mighty pleased to shake your hand, Red River.

Red River?

Where are your Saddle Sores?

My what?

Come on, Red, let's go. Uh, so this good ol' boy

is going to make my people happy, huh?

Well, I want to keep it moving, buddy.

I want this place to shake

like two tomcats in a gunnysack.

I want action, boy, action.

You're gonna have this cleaned, aren't you?

Cleaned?

I had these decorations flown in

all the way from Texas just for this here barn dance.

Barn dance? That's right.

♪ Ribs on a spit, beer in the keg ♪

♪ Grandpa's dancin' on a wooden leg ♪

♪ He kept on spinnin' around and around ♪

♪ Till he screwed hisself right in the ground! ♪

Whoo-hoo!

Can I talk to you for a moment, Oscar?

And that's what Oscar wants us to lower ourselves to.

Country music.

What's the difference what kind of music you play?

A band's a band, right?

That from a man who had a jukebox at his wedding.

All right, fellas, all together, "No dice, Oscar."

And n...

Come on, and...

You mean you guys will play?

Maybe we should, Felix.

Look, I mean, I'm a policeman, Alan's an interior decorator,

Bob's a butcher, and Vern's a gynecologist.

I mean, we're just a bunch of guys playing for fun.

Degradation is not fun.

It could be.

It will be fun.

Bob's a great country fiddle player.

Yeah, Oscar could play the washboard.

He's never even been near a washboard.

Fellas, I'm warning you, count me out.

ALAN, MURRAY & VERN: You're out.

Who will lead the band?

I'll lead the band.

Oh, that's a hot one.

Ho, ho, ho. Oh, come on.

You always make a big deal out of it.

I could do it, it's easy.

What do you say, fellas?

Yeah, let's play, huh?

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Just remember, without Felix Unger

you're not a band, you're just a mob.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry.

I think he's a little peeved, Oscar.

Oh, he's a sore loser.

What do we do now? We play a song.

Which one?

Billy Joe... you know what he likes?

Uh, "Coming 'Round the Mountain," okay?

All right, but you better lead us

because we don't know this one too good.

What do you want? With the baton.

Oh, it'll be my pleasure. Well, that's easy.

All right, here we go.

What are you doing, fellas?

Come on, play it, will you?

Play the song.

Not that fast. Wait, wait, slow...

In the middle, play it in the middle!

First you play it fast, then you play it slow.

What is it? In the middle.

Well, you were leading us.

You mean you watch the guy with the baton?

It looked so easy.

Let's do something we all know

like "I Got Spurs That Jingle Jangle."

Okay, anything, come on.

♪ I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle ♪

♪ As I go ridin' merrily... ♪

Wait, wait, wait, Vern,

you're playing in the wrong key.

Me? You guys are off.

All right, Oscar, who was playing in the wrong key?

Yeah.

Sounded great to me.

Felix'd know who's off.

Oh, I sure miss Felix.

All right, we'll get him back.

How?

Well, play that Sons of the Pioneers song,

"The Tumbling Weeds," what is... "Tumbling Tumbleweeds."

Play that thing.

♪ There they go rumbling down ♪

♪ Pledging ♪

♪ Their love to the ground ♪

♪ There they go singing a song ♪

♪ Tumbling along ♪

♪ With the tumbling tumbleweeds... ♪

All right, all together now... "I'm sorry, Felix."

And... ALL: I'm sorry, Felix.

Very good. You were in the wrong key before, Vern.

Yeah. All right,

that detestable "Mountain" thing.

Horns up.

Con moto spirito, and...

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes ♪

Yahoo!

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes. ♪

Yeah, yeah, go!

MURRAY, FELIX & OSCAR: ♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

Yeah! ♪ She'll be coming ♪

♪ 'Round the mountain when she comes. ♪

Whoo-whoo!

♪ I'll keep rolling along ♪

♪ Deep in my heart is a song ♪

♪ Here on the range I belong ♪

♪ Tumbling along ♪

♪ With the tumbling tumbleweeds ♪

♪ Tumbling, tumbling, tumbling, tumbling ♪

♪ Tumbling tumbleweeds... ♪

Red River Unger and His Saddle Sores,

ladies and gentlemen.

♪ Doo-wah... ♪

Aha!

Hey!

Take five, men.

Don't mingle.

Oscar? Oscar.

Oscar. Hey...

you're a big hit here, Red River.

I am in love with country music.

I love it.

What? This coming from the leader of the Sophisticados?

I love it. What can I tell you?

Hey, Billy Joe, having a good time?

Howdy, partner.

Pull up a barrel and set a spell.

Think the rain'll hurt the rhubarb?

Not if it's in the can, it won't.

Aha!

Oscar, I got to hand it to you, old boy.

That band is sharper than a cactus.

Aw, 'tain't nothing.

Aha!

Well, thank you, buddy,

you really know how to pay off on a poker debt.

Ah...!

What poker debt?

I think I'll mosey on down now

to the punch bowl.

You just hold it right here.

What poker debt?

Felix, why don't you play "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" again?

I love the way you do it and they go crazy.

Oh, I'm getting the message.

What message? You got into a great big poker game

with Billy Joe Grissom, didn't you?

Yeah, well, I went down to interview him...

Yeah, and you lost your shirt, didn't you?

Well, it was a lot of money. Then you had the bright idea

of paying off with my band, right?

What was I going to do? I owed him $500.

You sold out the Sophisticados for 500 measly dollars?

How low can you get?

Hey, Red River, our boots are cooling off, boy.

Let's have a square dance.

Yeah, Felix,

w-why don't you call the square dance

and you can yell at me later?

You call it. What?

You call it.

It's your mess, you clean it up for a change.

Are you crazy? BILLY JOE: Boys, I don't hear any music.

You're on your own, boy. Let's go!

Felix.

"Turkey in the Straw," okay?

♪ Lead with your left, then lead with your right ♪

♪ Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight ♪

♪ Then grab your foot, hop up and down ♪

♪ Shooby-doo, sit on the ground ♪

♪ Bend way over, touch your toe ♪

♪ Shuffle off to Buffalo ♪

♪ Grab your partner, drop your socks ♪

♪ A dozen bagels, a pound of lox ♪

♪ Shave and a haircut, two bits. ♪

Hold it.

Hold it!

Now, what in thunder was that?

I almost choked on my garters on that last line, boy.

I'm sorry, Billy Joe.

You know, I think I ought to take

about $500 out of your hide.

Well, wait a minute, see, I...

How'd you like the comedy square dance, folks?

That's Crazy O and his bunkhouse humor.

Let's hear it for him.

Okay, now we'll have the real barn dance.

You ready, fellas?

Thanks, pal. Nothing to it, partner.

♪ Bow to your partners, corners all ♪

♪ Wave to the pretty gal across the hall... ♪

♪ Allemande left with your left hand ♪

♪ Back to your partner, right and left grand ♪

♪ Keep on going till you meet ♪

♪ The one on whom you're kind of sweet ♪

♪ Promenade with that girl ♪

♪ Then go on home and swing and swirl ♪

♪ Ladies to the center and back to the bar ♪

♪ Gents to the center, now form a star ♪

♪ Girls, circle right and next time around ♪

♪ Go home with a fella you have found ♪

♪ One, two, three, four, everybody swing ♪

♪ All join hands and circle south ♪

♪ Let a little sunshine in your mouth ♪

♪ Drop your hands and single file ♪

♪ Go back home Indian style ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ When you get there, swing and whirl ♪

♪ Swing and swing that purty little girl ♪

♪ Okay, Oscar, show your style ♪

♪ Come on up and dance a while ♪

♪ No, thank you, I'll stay right here ♪

♪ You have fun, I'll drink my beer ♪

♪ I'm gonna tell your buddy, Billy Joe ♪

♪ That you refused to do-si-do ♪

♪ Don't you squeal, I'll do my dance ♪

♪ That's better than having buckshot in my pants ♪

Whoo!

♪ Think this song is about to end ♪

♪ 'Cause this old man needs oxygen. ♪

♪ Good night, ladies ♪

♪ Good night, ladies ♪

♪ Good night, ladies ♪

♪ Good night, good night ♪

This is Felix "Red River" Unger and His Saddle Sores

from high atop the beautiful Ritz Towers,

overlooking Gotham by the sea,

asking the musical question, "Good night."

Now, au revoir, a bit of a tweet-tweet,

a bit of a toodle-doodle, bon cheerio, and...

♪ Good night. ♪

Aha.

Unger, you're the best friend anybody ever had.

When I need you, you're always there.

That's the cut of my jib, partner, cut of my jib.

I should be angry at you, but I had so much fun, I can't be.

Listen, there's just one more thing. Yeah.

Don't let the band pack up.

Billy Joe wants to sing one song.

Is there no end?

Is there no end?! How long does it take

to sing one little song?

Everything'll be all right, come on.