Original subtitles

Oscar?

Oscar? Come on. Come on.

Oscar?

You stay with me. Hey, come back here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come back. You're gonna love Oscar.

Funny guy. Wait till you see him.

And wait till you see his room.

Only don't bury anything in there, you'll never find it.

But if you get hungry...

But if you get hungry you can look under his pillow.

You're sure to find food.

We'll get you something to eat. Come on. Come here.

Come here.

Who slept on the floor?

I'll get blamed for the mess, I'm sure, right?

Felix?

Oscar? Yeah.

Oscar, listen, remember when I first

moved in, you wanted to get a dog?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I didn't want to have one. Yeah.

You said living with one animal was enough.

Yeah, I changed my mind.

Take that in to... What is it?

Oh, my... What is that?

What a great dog!

Sit down.

What... Don't you recognize him?

Why? Is he a relative or something?

This is the most famous dog in the world.

This is Silver, the Wonder Dog.

This is the dog that starred in the picture

I'll Bark Tomorrow?

Yes.

Movies, TV series, commercials.

This dog could buy and sell you.

Oh, I recognize him now.

What's he doing here? Good dog.

Well, listen... Today... Yeah?

I had a job to take his portrait.

What's he doing here? Good dog.

You're a good dog. Oscar.

Yeah? I stole the dog.

What dog?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I always knew you were crazy

but now I'm ready to sign the commitment papers!

You don't understand. That's right. I don't understand.

If you'd listen to me, I'll tell you what happened.

I just went to the studio

to take his picture.

Well, you know me, Mr. Mind My Own Business.

Okay, Unger, let's get to it.

Hello, Mr. Hugo.

Oh, my, what a beautiful dog!

Hiya, fella!

Never speak directly to the dog.

He's only supposed to respond to me.

Oh. I'm sorry.

You know what we want.

This is for Silver Doggie Shampoo.

Uh-huh. So get the highlights in the hair.

Well, no trouble with that coat.

Uh-uh-uh. Ah. It glistens.

That's the kerosene we rub in.

You rub kerosene in?

Doesn't... doesn't that irritate his skin?

He's used to it.

Now, let's get started.

We've got a busy day.

After you, we have a Silver Chow dog food commercial,

and then a ribbon-biting ceremony in Newark.

The dog looks tired.

We flew in from Australia this morning.

Aw, poor fella.

Why don't we take a little rest?

He'll get a rest later.

Come here!

I meant him.

I brought along some dog biscuits.

Uh, put them away.

I told you we're doing a dog food commercial later.

We're not feeding him until then.

Hmm. We want him to tear into that food

so it'll look like he really likes it.

Of course, I'm only a... photographer,

but when did you last feed this dog?

Well, you stick to your camera

or I'll get somebody else.

I don't blame you.

I wish I had a plate for you.

I know we should be there by now,

but we just finished a photo session

that took forever.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

All right.

Fine.

You know we need those photos first thing in the morning.

You'll have 'em. You'll have 'em. Good.

Mr. Hugo, Norm says it's all set

for the Alabama-Nebraska football game on Saturday.

Good. Uh, call Harry

and tell him I'm counting on a lot of publicity.

Nobody has ever dropped a dog out of a plane

during half-time before.

Oh, and tell 'em to make sure

that they have a red, white and blue parachute.

People'll love it.

Yes, Mr. Hugo.

You're going to drop Silver

out of an airplane?

My idea.

And they're paying plenty for it.

Isn't that dangerous?

A dog doesn't know how to use a parachute.

You pull the cord for him?

No, the parachute opens automatically.

It's foolproof.

Well, how do you get him to jump out of the plane?

You toss a stick out over Alabama and say, "Fetch"?

I don't want to continue this conversation.

Remember,

first thing in the morning with those proofs.

I'd like to be your trainer, Unger.

Silver, come!

Edna, come!

I don't blame you for not coming.

I'm afraid of flying, too, even first class.

Wish you were my dog.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Aw, fella... Aw, gee whiz.

Look, I tell you if you followed me out

and just happened to get into my cab...

Come on.

That would be all right, wouldn't it?

What do you say?

Oh, look, what do you know, you're out here in the hall.

And that's the way it happened.

You stole the dog.

Haven't you listened to one word I've said?

I told you how they treated this poor animal.

What choice did I have?

You could have minded your own business.

Felix, they could put you in prison. Ah.

You want to be known as the Dogman of Alcatraz?

Don't be ridiculous.

You gotta get that dog outta here. No!

Felix, you get that dog outta here

or I'm gonna call the police.

You would squeal on me, Swell Felix?

Listen, Swell Felix,

maybe you don't realize what you have done.

By bringing that dog home

you have made me an accomplice to a crime.

I could go to prison!

I am willing to take that risk.

Look at this beautiful dog.

No, you don't understand. No, Felix, you don't...

"Beautiful" and "stolen" don't go together.

"Prison" and "stolen," they go together.

Now that's it, Felix.

I want to have nothing to do with it.

All right! Okay.

Let it be on your head.

Let what be on my head?

If anything happens to that dog Saturday at half-time,

if he lands in a tuba,

let it be on your head.

Felix, I'm not the one who's pushing him out of the airplane.

I just want to push him out of this apartment, that's all.

Is it all right if I feed him

before you just throw him out into the street?

15 minutes. Feed the dog.

15 minutes. I'm gonna be firm this time.

I'm not kidding. I've had it.

15 minutes and out goes the dog.

That's it, 15 minutes, boy.

15 minutes.

15 min... 15...

You gotta half hour. Out goes the dog.

This is really going to be delicious.

You're going to love this.

There you go.

I hope he's a fast eater.

Don't listen to Oscar Legree.

Eat slowly and chew your food.

Don't answer it. Don't answer it.

Why not? Because, because

we don't know who it is. That's how I'm gonna find out.

Who is it? It's Mr. Hugo.

Why are you making such a face?

Who's Mr. Hugo?

That's Silver's trainer.

Good, I'm gonna let him in.

No, no. You tell him that the dog followed you home.

No, no, no, no.

You tell him that you kidnapped the dog.

I'm telling you.

Mr. Hugo, come in.

Oh, I want you to meet my roommate, Oscar Madison.

How do you do.

This isn't a social visit.

Silver has run away.

Run away?

Zounds!

You were the last one with him, Unger.

You didn't leave that door open, did you?

No, no, no! No, I closed that door.

Dumb dog.

This isn't the first time he's run away.

Hmm. I've had to hunt him down

and drag him back three times.

But when I find him this time, I'll...

Teach him a little respect

with that stick, huh?

It's the only thing he understands.

Hmm. How about the muzzle?

He must be punished.

My father used to do that to me.

Well, I... I better keep looking.

I've wasted enough time.

And I better get the cops on this.

Ungrateful dog!

Elevator, stay!

Somebody oughta put a muzzle on him.

Bless you, Oscar.

Beneath that gruff exterior beats a heart...

Of a patsy. I know.

But Monday afternoon, it goes.

After the jump, it goes.

Now, Hugo or no Hugo, right?

That's all I ask. Okay.

♪ I dream of Silver ♪

♪ With the light brown hair ♪

♪ Prettier than any dog ♪

♪ Even a "Labra-dare" ♪

♪ I love ♪

♪ My Silver ♪ Felix.

♪ With the light brown... ♪ Felix, Felix, listen.

Will you listen, please? Shh.

I just ran into Murray in the hall.

Did he see the dog or didn't he? Oh, no.

He came in and I hid Silver in the kitchen. Oh.

Then he said he wanted a drink of water,

so I told him we had a busted water pipe.

Ah, that's why he went down to the basement.

He's gonna fix our pipes.

You see how smart he is.

He knows he has to go out.

Yeah, he's gotta go out or else.

But, Felix, he can't.

Everybody's looking for him.

Ha, ha, ha! What?

The Unger mind at work.

Come here, Silver.

I got a disguise for him.

Come here, come here. What is that?

See that?

A beagle mask?

Come on, Felix, that's not gonna work.

That is the most ridiculous thing

I ever saw in my life.

Hey, fellas, I gotta go home.

I couldn't find the busted pipe.

But I'll be back tomorrow.

Hey, I didn't know you guys bought a beagle.

That's nice.

And what Hollywood hero with the initial S

has a bone to pick with his manager?

The wicked whisper is

that the international personality has been kidnapped,

but in this reporter's opinion,

the star willingly took off in a "ruff."

The well-known manager claims foul play,

but this reporter knows

that this is not the first time the pair hasn't seen eye to eye.

This is Rona Barrett in Hollywood.

And after that unusual halftime,

we'll be back with the second half

of the Alabama-Nebraska game, following this commercial.

Barbarians.

Savages.

Aw...

Well, Oscar, you missed the half-time activities.

They didn't have Silver,

so they dropped a goat down on the field.

He landed on the 50-yard-line

and then turned around and ate his parachute.

And I missed it?!

Aw, you're safe now, fella...

Now we can take him back, okay?

Aw, please? Oh, Felix.

Now we had a bargain... One more day?

No. Now don't make it more difficult.

We made a promise to each other, right,

that we were going to stick to the bargain.

I don't know when we'll see each other again, Silver.

I'll sure miss you...

Listen, in a couple of weeks,

he would've gotten on your nerves anyway.

Listen, we'll make an anonymous phone call to the police,

and we'll tell them where he is, okay?

Hi, fellas.

Just hold it a second.

Mr. Hugo?

That's my dog!

That's him.

I had a hunch about you guys,

and I was right.

Silver, come.

Officer, do your duty.

I'm sorry, fellas, but you're under arrest.

Now, come on down with me to the station.

Let's go. Come on.

Well, you sure had me fooled.

I thought it was a beagle.

All rise.

Judge McCormick, presiding.

This court is now in session.

The State v. Madison and Unger.

Is the prosecution ready?

Uh, yes, Your Honor.

Is the defense ready?

Uh, Your Honor, my client, Mr. Madison, and I are ready.

Who is defending Mr. Unger?

If it please the court...

I will serve as my own attorney.

Will the defendants please rise.

Rising.

You are charged with grand theft.

Mr. Madison, how do you plead?

Guilty, Your Honor.

Are you out of your mind?

It's all arranged.

There'll be fine and I'm out of it.

Now, that's it.

Plea bargaining.

Mr. Unger, how do you plead to the charges against you?

I plead... unequivocal innocence.

Does... Does that mean "not guilty"?

Do bees buzz?

Yes. Not guilty.

Uh, Your Honor,

my client will accept a sentence now.

I object, Your Honor.

Any penalty visited upon my codefendant at this time,

will only serve to increase

the seeming culpability of my client...

Felix Unger.

I ask the sentencing be delayed till after my trial.

Denied.

Did you say, denied?

Do bees buzz?

That's a hanging judge.

Mr. Madison, you will pay a fine of $300.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Chicken!

The prosecution will begin its case against Mr. Unger.

To begin my case,

I would like the court to meet the subject in question:

Silver the Wonder Dog.

Oh! Look at that nice doggie!

Bailiff!

This beautiful animal, who never hurt anybody,

but brought joy to millions of people all over the world,

was brazenly stolen from his home

and held prisoner by this man!

And tell me, Mr. Hugo,

is the man who stole your dog in this courtroom now?

Yes. The gentlemen sitting right there!

That's all.

Mr. Unger, cross-examine.

Cross-examine?

I rather think not, Your Honor.

Though I reserve the right to recall the witness.

Prosecution rests.

The defense calls, as a surprise witness...

Oscar Madison.

You'll be my character witness.

Boy, we're going to have fun up there.

You'll help me.

Eh, now come on.

Didn't expect that one, did you?

Blind you with my footwork, huh?

A lot more surprises in this package, buddy.

Mr. Madison...

you are employed as a sportswriter,

is that not correct? Yes.

Would you say that you are well-paid?

I would say that.

You would.

How much of your salary do you spend on...

gambling?

Well, a small percentage...

A small percentile?

Yes, I... Would you say ten to 20 percent?

I might say that?

25 to 30 percent? Maybe if you add it up...

Maybe 40 to 50 percent? Maybe if you really...

60 percent? Well, I...

As a matter of fact, you spend 61 percent

of your salary on gambling. Something like that.

Exactly like that.

Mr. Madison... are you married?

I'm divorced.

I don't wonder.

Tell me, how far behind are you on your alimony payments?

A few weeks.

Speak up so the whole jury can hear you.

Would you hazard a guess as to how many weeks?

Forty-seven.

Forty-seven weeks!

For almost a year, this man neglected his ex-wife

to squander

a large part of a very excellent paycheck

on gambling.

Yet this divorced gambler...

this man, who in this very court plead guilty

to major theft, this convicted felon...

held compassion for Silver.

I apologize to the court

for parading a person like this before it.

Witness dismissed.

You may slink away.

Help me out, help me out.

I'll help you out!

No further questions.

I would like to recall to the stand

Mr. Hugo.

You've seen my razzle.

Now I'm going to show you my dazzle.

Just a few questions, Mr. Hugo.

Tell me... what do you do for a living?

I'm the owner, trainer, manager and agent

for Silver the Wonder Dog.

Aha-ha.

And, uh... do you like animals?

I love this one.

You love this one.

That's very interesting.

Very interesting, indeed, Mr. Hugo.

Hmm... Uh...

Mr. Unger, that's, that's mine.

Mr. Hugo... is it not true

that you poke and hurt this animal,

that you hit him to make him do his tricks?

Of course, it's true.

You admit it?

Any top animal trainer will tell you it's necessary.

In his last picture,

Silver had to run into a forest fire

and rescue a mannequin dressed as Dean Jones.

Would you do that if I didn't hit you?

Mr. Hugo, when I was a lad...

Yea high... I had a pup.

And pup spelled backwards is still pup.

But dog spelled backwards...

I suggest you think that over, Mr. Hugo.

Mr. Unger...

would you approach the bench, please?

If you don't get to the point,

I'm going to smash your fingers.

If it please the court.

It would. It would.

Mr. Hugo, have you ever considered

that perhaps Silver would be happier

without all this glamour and success and tinsel?

More content as an ordinary dog?

Then he wouldn't be Silver,

and he loves being Silver,

the great international star, the Wonder Dog.

Oh, really?

Really, how very interesting.

Hmm... Well, Mr. Hugo...

isn't it true that you were kicked out

of your high school dramatic society for incompetence?

Well, I-I don't see...

That in your only college production,

you were booed off the stage on your entrance?

Well, I...

That you were the laughingstock of summer stock?

Well, I don't see the relative...

relevance in any of this.

I'll show you the relevance!

You always wanted to be an actor, didn't you?

Well, yes, but... But you couldn't cut it.

So you live vicariously through the dog.

You wish you could run into that fire and save Dean Jones,

but you can't!

And why?!

Because you can't act!

Oh... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!

It's true! It's true! It's true!

I always wanted to be an actor.

I mean, I love acting.

I mean, Silver keeps me close to show business.

But I never meant any harm.

May I ask the court to show leniency to this man.

Why not?

He's not on trial, you are.

Then may I ask the court to show leniency to me?

Ms. Forelady, have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

And how do you find?

We find the defendant, Felix Unger,

guilty as charged.

Now I know how Dreyfus felt.

Mr. Unger,

you've been found guilty, and rightly so.

This crime was inexcusable,

as was your nutsy behavior in this court...

However, I know you were motivated by love

for this animal

and your intentions were, essentially, harmless.

Therefore, it is the decision of this court

that you should see the bailiff and pay a fine of one dollar.

Mr. Hugo,

I hope you will heed what has been said here

and that you will be better to this wonderful doggie.

And Mr. Unger, I hope you stay out of the law business.

Court adjourned.

Mr. Unger, I want to thank you.

I now know what I have to do.

I'm going to give Silver a long vacation,

and I'm going back to acting school.

Thank you.

Oh, and I won't be needing this.

Thank you.

Good-bye, Silver.

Silver, come.

Well, everybody's happy.

They fined you a dollar?

I don't understand.

A man steals a dog and brings him home

to my apartment.

I spend the night in jail.

I have to sleep on a pair of wino's shoes.

I pay a lawyer, and I gotta pay a $300 fine.

I am humiliated in court.

I have a criminal record.

And you ask me if I'm happy?

I'm sorry, Oscar.

Never mind being sorry.

Lend me the $300.

No, I can't do that.

Why not?

How would you ever learn a lesson?