Original subtitles

Okay, Murray, I'm all packed.

Packed yourself, huh?

Very funny.

Hey, Rome sticker!

When did you get to Rome?

I didn't. I went to Chicago.

My bag went to Rome.

I hope you and your bag make it to Hollywood.

It wouldn't look good

for a movie star to be without clothes.

What movie star? Now, I'm only doing a cameo role,

a few lines... They want authenticity,

sportswriters to play themselves.

Dan Jenkins, the famous sportswriter...

he's playing himself, too, see?

Oh, yeah.

You forgot to pack handkerchiefs.

No, I packed one.

He's taking one hanky to Hollywood.

I'm only taking one nose.

Pack these. Oh... You see the way he packs?

Look at that bag.

Did you try to fold your clothes?

Yeah.

Hey, I forgot my ticket.

Better check your room to see if there's anything else

you forgot before I have to board it up.

When Crazy Rhoda gets here,

tell her I'll be right back, okay?

He's going to Hollywood

with Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman?

The studio sent him two tickets,

so he's taking her as his private secretary.

You think you'll ever get to Hollywood, Felix?

Hollywood... it's the last place I want to go.

Land of sham, pretense.

Plastic people.

Yes?

I'm Rhoda Zimmerman's sister,

and she ain't going no place no time with nobody.

She's at home, chained to the radiator.

You want to have some fun?

Don't count on the Zimmermans!

Ow.

Oh, that Crazy Rhoda.

She always does something like this

at the last minute, on every trip.

I guess you're just stuck with an extra ticket, Oscar.

Yeah, but I don't want to go alone.

I wonder who I should take.

I'd go with you,

but I'm a policeman, and I can't shirk my duties.

My place is here on the streets of New York,

protecting the... Who asked you?

I'm thinking of a girl.

Trouble is, all the girls I think of,

you got to give at least an hour's notice.

I know, maybe I'll meet somebody nice on standby.

Okay, you go get the car.

Okay, okay. So long, buddy.

Bye, Oscar.

Have a nice trip.

I know you'll be wonderful in...

Oh, please take me with you.

Please, please!

My life is so boring here.

I'm crazy about Hollywood.

I'm dying to meet Rona Barrett.

Oh, please, please, please take me with you!

Why didn't you say something before?

I have my pride.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Doris Day.

There's a cigarette butt on Doris Day,

and she doesn't even smoke.

Look... Red Buttons.

And Maurice Chevalier.

Remember Gigi? John Barrymore.

Your favorite, John Barrymore. John Barrymore!

Look at that, my feet are the same size.

And hands.

Oh, there's his profile.

Listen, take my picture with my face in it.

Come on, people will think you're a New York wino.

Will you get up? Come on!

Is my face in there? Yes.

Is my nose in his nose?

Yes.

Is my hair in his hair? Yes!

Good... take it.

You've got your hat in front of it.

Okay, now, you get down and I'll take your picture.

I'm not gonna put my face down there.

You're no fun on a trip.

Maps of the stars! Maps of the stars!

Hey, we'll take two.

Who buys these mostly?

Burglars.

This is Toluca Lake,

so he's got to be around here.

Yeah, look, it's got Helen Twelvetrees,

Wallace Beery... how old is this map?

No, no, you look for a street called...

Oh, why, yes...

You never would find it.

Look, there he is. Where?

There he is. Where?

There's Bob Hope. Where?

Right there.

Felix, what are you doing? Excuse me.

Mr. Hope, Mr. Hope, hi!

We just got here from New York.

Relatives?

No, we're tourists.

Hope... hope we're not regular tourists.

My name is Felix Unger, this is Oscar Madison.

I couldn't find you on the map.

Good, good.

You take out your own garbage, Mr. Hope?

Well, I usually have it gift wrapped.

Isn't that marvelous?

You-you have a funny joke ready

for every situation, haven't you?

I have a large garbage file, yeah.

Can I have a piece of your garbage as a souvenir?

Wouldn't you like the main course first?

No, just an... oh, an orange peel.

That would just be perfect.

Thank you so very much.

Crosby just squeezed those.

Ah.

Would you mind autographing it?

People will never believe...

they'll never believe in a million years

that I got this from you here.

Isn't that wonderful?

They're just like ordinary people.

Just marvelous.

Oh, thank you so very, very much.

Sorry, would you... would...

would you mind taking a picture with us?

Not at all. I don't have my camera.

Do you have a camera?

Next time.

Felix, will you... I gotta get a dog.

Garbage! Oh, boy, oh!

But the garbage of a star.

Wow!

Okay, imagine: Bob Hope.

Who's next?

Me! I want to go back to the hotel,

where I can look at the pretty girls around the pool.

All right, I'll go shopping.

Oscar?

Have you seen so many beautiful girls?

You will never in a million years guess

whom I just saw in the lobby of this hotel

standing not two feet from me. Who?

Cuffy Crabbe.

Who?

Buster Crabbe's son, Cuffy.

He was standing right there.

I could've touched him.

He was buying shampoo just like a regular person's son.

I got his autograph anyway.

Oh, Oscar, I'll never be able to thank you enough

for bringing me here. Oh...

It's the most... guess!

Guess what's going to happen

right outside our balcony in 30 minutes.

Cuffy's gonna wash his hair.

Doris Day walks her dog.

Felix, you gotta stop being so crazy and starstruck.

Buying maps to movie stars' homes.

I'm here on business, remember? Ah, ah.

Gotta talk to you about that. What?

I also found out

that when Dan Jenkins was here for his cameo,

the studio got him a bungalow

with a sauna and a bar.

That's great for Dan, right?

Well, of course it's great.

You just got an ordinary room.

Well, nice, yeah. Well, look,

I'm sure it's only an oversight.

Look, I'm not a troublemaker,

but if the studio knew about... No, no, no, no, no.

Don't you call the studio... I'm very happy with what I got.

Please, Felix, will you look at this? One little call.

I got a good view of the diving board. These people know how to deal

with these things, believe me. You don't understand.

J.B. Hoffstetter, the head of the studio,

just called me, see?

Everything is terrific.

I told him I'm very happy

with what I got. J.B. Hoffstetter called you?

Yes, he wanted to make sure

that I had the script, and I told him I did have it.

Then it's official. Yeah.

You're in flicks. That's right, buddy.

You're on your way.

Let me see... when do we go to the studio?

No, we don't go to the studio.

Why, why? We're going on location.

Oh, that's much better.

That's authentic, then.

I like that, let me see the script. Home Run Kid.

Home Run Kid. I like the title... isn't that good?

Yes, yes. It's kind of nice.

Wait-wait till you see the part, it's terrific.

Oh, your part. Here it is, here.

See, I go in, and then I say, Yeah, yeah.

"Tell us about your career, slugger." Yeah.

And then... oh, there it is.

"Thanks for the interview."

That's it?

That's it.

They can't treat you this way.

You're a New York actor.

Felix, I'm a New York sports columnist.

I don't care how many lines they give me.

This whole thing is a lark.

Oscar, baby...

don't let these showbiz heavies push you around.

If you're scared,

you're gonna be washed up in the business.

I'm not scared. You're not?

No. Okay, show me your part.

Do it for me. Oh, come on, I don't want to.

Do it for me, let me...

I want to rehearse you. Okay.

Let's see what you've got now.

How are you gonna do it? Okay, oh, wait, um...

Tell us about your career, slugger.

No, no, wait, wait, I'll do it better.

Uh... Tell us about your career, slugger.

Tell us about your career, slugger!

Hey, slugger, tell us about your career, see?

Hey, slugger, you better tell us about your career.

You understand, slugger?

They're going to waste talent like that?

Got any more changes?

Yeah, the locker room scene was kind of choppy,

so I padded the part of the New York sportswriter.

I gave him another two pages.

That's gonna mean an extra day's shooting.

We'll have to give Madison more money.

Yeah, what do you think we should give him?

Well...

Yeah?

Who?

Felix Unger?

I don't know any Felix Unger.

What does he do?

Oh, Oscar Madison's agent.

Good.

We'll settle this matter right now.

Send him in, Pam.

Madison's got an agent?

It's not funny.

I know! He's gonna want $1,000 more.

I'll try to get him for $500.

Hi.

J.B.

J.B... my client is not happy.

Now, person to person, man to man,

agent to mogul, can't...

O.M.?

Oscar!

Yeah?

Hey, that you, buddy? Ah.

How you doing?

Fine, what were you doing?

Sunbathing.

Oh. That's my sunsuit.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, how's my favorite client?

Favorite what?

Felix, don't tell me

that after what I said to you,

you had the nerve, the audacity, to go

down to that studio and embarrass me.

Don't tell me that you went down and...

What did you do?

You got me two extra pages of dialogue?

Not only that,

I conned them into giving you more money.

I got another $50 out of them.

It's a nice stadium for a little place, huh?

It's a stadium.

Wow, I'm still stiff, you know that?

Of course you're stiff.

80 miles down here in a hot bus.

Pahrump, Nevada.

Lizard capital of the world.

Downtown is a fruit stand.

Felix, this is the location they wanted.

They're gonna shoot here, let's not gripe.

When Dan Jenkins went on his location,

the studio sent him in an air-conditioned limousine.

They did? You're darn right they did.

Are you sure?

Of course, I'm sure.

It's just plain unfair.

Oh, cut it out. Look, all right, Felix,

you got me some extra money, you got me a few extra lines.

Let's not press our luck.

I just don't... I'm happy with what...

Okay, everyone, we shoot this sequence tomorrow.

Let's get the rehearsal going.

Have you got the sportswriter scene?

Here you are, Mr. Lennox.

Oh, yeah, Madison. Madison?!

Yeah, here.

Ah! Right here.

Are you Madison?

No. I'm Felix Unger.

I'm Oscar Madison's agent.

I'm Oscar Madison. How are you?

You look like a sportswriter.

Thank you.

Griff? I want you to meet our star.

Yes?

Griff Lockwood, this is Oscar Madison.

He's the one who does the interview.

Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Oscar.

I'm a big fan of yours.

And I'm a big fan of yours!

Griff Lockwood!

Oh, boy!

I saw you in Hotel Romp.

That's the one he made with Rhonda Bisque.

Tell me, when you were shooting that,

was there something between you and Rhonda, huh?

Are you in the picture?

No. Good.

Call when you're ready.

Griff, Griff.

You're a married man...

Felix, It's bad enough

you read every gossip column in the world,

do you have to believe 'em?

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

So suppose he had a little thing going with Rhonda?

Will you forget it?

Sure, we can forget it, but can his wife, lovely Helen Lockwood

driven to drink by the uncaring extramarital antics

of Hollywood's most famous star?

Will you cut it out?!

That was Rona's biggest scoop!

Okay, let's go over the lines.

Get Griff's stand-in.

Get Griff's stand-in.

Now, Oscar...

Excuse me just a moment, Oscar.

Talk to you a minute?

Look, if you're going to use Griff's stand-in,

don't you think you ought to use Oscar's?

He doesn't have a stand-in.

Ally.

Doesn't have a stand-in?

What time does Mr. Madison have to be at work tomorrow?

Six o'clock.

In the morning?

Yes.

I don't like that.

No, no, I don't like that.

Look, I'm perfectly willing to work these things out reasonably

with you people, but don't push Oscar Madison.

The man's a lunatic.

One word and he goes like that.

He's a walking volcano.

The man slapped Fellini.

What can I tell you?

He slapped Fellini.

Well, Mr. Unger, I think I understand.

I knew I could talk to you.

Just let me make one telephone call.

Take care of the whole thing.

Good.

While you're at it,

it might be a good idea to get him a trailer.

I think he'd like that.

A trailer. Yeah.

Something nice and classy.

Something nice and classy.

Also a golf cart to take him to take him to and fro.

I think that would be the right thing.

A golf cart. Yeah.

Susan, get me that sportswriter from Chicago.

I'm firing Madison.

You tell him.

Felix, look,

this is what they want me to wear.

How's it look? Tell me what you think.

What's the matter?

Felix, tell me what's the matter... what is it?

You're fired.

Fired? Why am I fired?

Oscar, you don't know this town.

Pahrump?

Hollywood! The whole business.

I asked for a stand-in for you.

I asked for a dressing room.

I suggested you don't have to get up so early in the morning.

I didn't care about those things!

Now you tell me!

I hope you get bitten by a lizard!

Oh, the joke's really on that studio, isn't it?

They bring us all the way out here to California,

all expenses paid,

and then they don't use us in the picture.

There'll be other opportunities.

Why should we have regrets?

Look at the swell new clothes I got.

I saw Doris Day's dog.

What would you be doing in New York now?

Unchaining Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman.

Look, I-I sense that you're a little down about this.

I can understand that.

You're the kind of fellow who's easily depressed,

but don't let things bother you.

Bounce back. Shrug them off. I do.

Come on. Let's see a smile.

A grin? A smirk?

Okay...

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

It's time I go down to that studio and force their hand.

When I get through with them, you're not only going

to have your part back,

but you're going to have another raise.

Fair enough?

Shake.

You got a deal.

What am I gonna do?

The sportswriter from Chicago was so glad he got the part,

he dropped dead.

I gotta have Madison back.

I got no choice.

Pam, send in Unger.

Now, listen to me, J.B., and listen good...

Okay, Madison's back in the picture.

Do you mind if I give you some constructive criticism, J.B.?

You need more backbone.

You're a... you're pretty much of a marshmallow, fella.

You let me roll all over you there.

I can tell you now I was ready to squirm.

Five more minutes and you'd have had me on my knees.

You gotta toughen up, guy, or people'll walk all over you.

Will you get outta here?!

That's good. That's good.

Keep it up.

Okay, here we go, fella.

Show 'em how it's done.

Places everybody.

Break a leg.

I will.

Griff, good luck in the scene.

Homewrecker.

Do you mind if I have my chair?

Now, listen, Griff, if I do anything wrong, please let me know, okay?

Because this is all new to me.

Oscar, you're gonna be sensational.

We're ready for the mayor.

Your Honor?

The Mayor?

Yeah, the Mayor of Pahrump.

He wouldn't give us a shooting permit,

so I let him join the crew.

Your Honor?

Roll camera.

Mark it.

And... action.

Tell us about your career, Slugger.

Now, Oscar, don't rush your lines.

Take your time. Start from the beginning.

We're still rolling. Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous. Take it easy.

Tell us about your career, Felix.

See? It's your fault.

From the beginning. Just start over.

Start over.

Tell us about your career, Slugger.

Well, it all started when I... Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to step on his toe.

I stepped on it. I'm sorry.

He tripped you!

I'm all right, Oscar.

It's an old trick.

Arthur Treacher did that to Shirley Temple.

Still rolling. Gentlemen, if we can, from the top.

We're still rolling.

Tell us about your career, Slugger.

Well, it all started when I tried out

for the minor league team

the Fort Worth Blues.

How old were you then?

I was 17.

Uh-huh. And how old are you now?

Twenty-two.

Shh!

Well, I was very green then, but I finally made the team.

Uh-huh.

I made the team, yeah.

It must have been quite a struggle.

Oh, it was. It was a real struggle.

Hand me my shirt, will you please, Oscar? Ooh!

Cut! Print it!

Wardrobe!

Congratulations.

Are you crazy? I blew it. I was terrible.

That was great. You were marvelous.

You saved that scene. The scene needed a laugh.

You added three big screamos!

Are you out of your mind? You go rest, baby.

You loosen up and rest. I have to talk to the biggies.

What're we gonna do? J.B., This is impossible.

Oh no, no, no. He'll get the hang of it.

Can't you get somebody else?

No, don't do that. Please, J.B..

I don't want to postpone the scene. We're all set up here.

You replace him, it has to be here and now.

No, don't, please, I beg of you.

He'll get good.

We've got an hour to get another actor up here from L.A.

Gee, I wish we had somebody here who could step in, who knew the lines.

I do.

What?

I know all the lines.

You can try it.

Thanks.

Try it.

Oscar? Oscar.

Yeah? Yeah?

Baby... you're out of the flick.

What happened?

They're going for a younger man.

I fought like a banshee for you, but they wouldn't listen to me.

Who'd they get to replace me?

Give me your hat and your pad and wish me luck.

Action.

Tell me about your career, Slugger.

Well, it all started when I tried out for this team.

The minor league team... The Fort Worth Blues.

Fort Worth. Yes.

That's in Texas.

Hot wind, blazing sun.

How old were you then?

I was 17.

A boy in a man's game.

How old are you now?

Why, 22.

It was a tough struggle.

I was green, but I finally made it.

It was a struggle, yes.

You grew up in a grimy little cabin

in the middle of the Texas panhandle.

No heat, no food!

For breakfast you had to suck on a piece of cactus!

Hey...!

You never had a toy to play with.

You never had a pair of brown-and-white shoes.

You never even took violin lessons.

But you knew that you wanted to play baseball.

You couldn't afford any equipment!

So you made a catcher's mitt out of a satin pillow reading:

"Greetings from Yellowstone Park!"

You couldn't afford a bat, so you used your little brother.

The other kids wouldn't play with that brave little lad

with the weird mitt and the talking bat.

Twenty-two!

Cut!

Unger, you're out!

No!

Felix, that was the worst acting I've ever seen in my entire life

and I appreciate it. But it worked!

I told you Unger had a plan.

I killed the hour. Now they've gotta use you.

You know, I can't figure you out.

One minute you're driving me up the wall

the next minute you do a crazy, beautiful thing like this.

You're a worse pip than Crazy Rhoda.

Well, don't spread it around that I'm a nice guy.

It'll kill me in the business.

All right, Unger, get out of the way.

There you go, baby, it's all yours.

Take over.

Madison... Yeah?

Out of the way, please.

Why? Who's going to play the reporter?

None of your business!

Speed. Mark.

Action.

Tell us about your career, uh, son.

Oscar?

Yeah.

Hey, I just had a nap, and I had that dream again.

I dreamed the movie came out and you were such a smash in it,

they put your handprints in Grauman's Chinese.

Felix, I never got in the picture, remember?

I know, I know, but I won't rest

until I see your handprints.

Rest.