Original subtitles

Hey. Hey!

Look who's here. Hiya, Leonard.

Hi, Uncle Oscar.

What've you got in the box? Show him what you've got in the box.

A frog. A frog?!

Yeah, he's got a frog there. What's his name?

His name is Max. Max.

Max? Why'd you name him Max?

I named him. Yeah. Why?

Because he's one in a million.

Maximillion. Get it?

What kind of frog is he?

He's a jumper. He's a jumper, yeah.

Can he answer one question?

Tell him, tell him... See, he jumps.

Oh, he's a frisky one.

Yeah, what are you gonna do with him?

I'm entering him in a contest tomorrow.

He's entering him in the contest tomorrow. Just a minute... what?

I'm entering him in the finals tomorrow.

Finals, frog jumping contest tomorrow.

Is he good? He's good, yeah.

Tell him. Tell him.

Yeah, He beat every frog on the East Side. He did?

By two jumps. By two jumps.

We beat Leaping Lazzeri in the semifinals this afternoon. Is that a fact?

Go wash your hands. I don't want to.

Put the frog in the box and wash your hands

and change your clothes.

Come on, go, go.

Go ahead, Leonard. I'll see you later.

We're going out to dinner.

That's terrific.

A father, son and frog dinner.

We're leaving Max here.

Max is going to eat in. Oh. All right.

Will you watch him while we're out?

For a little while.

I've got a date with Sylvia later.

We won't be long.

Felix, what's the matter? Nothing.

Come on, you can't fool me.

Usually when you're with Leonard you're up, you're happy.

Now you seem depressed. What's the matter?

I was politely invited

not to come to the frog jumping contest tomorrow.

You mean, one of the officials asked you to stay away?

Guess again.

Your son.

Yeah. Why?

Well, he says I butt in.

He says I try to run everything, I don't know...

He says... Oh, so you'll miss a frog jumping contest,

That's not it!

It's that he's excluding me from his entire life.

I only see him weekends.

He doesn't even like me.

Oh, that's silly.

No, no, it's not.

Come on.

He thinks more of that frog than he does of me.

So do I, and I just met him.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hi, Felix. Hi, Leonard.

Hey, it's time you to go to bed.

You're tired.

I'm not tired, Dad.

You're not tired. You can't even walk.

Tomorrow's a big day.

Say good night to Uncle Oscar.

Good night, Uncle Oscar.

Good night, Leonard.

Night, Dad.

Sleep well.

Okay, good night.

Don't go in Uncle Oscar's room.

You'll have nightmares all night.

I'm a fun dad, you know that.

You're in a better mood, aren't you?

Things are looking up. Yeah?

We had a very nice time. We really did.

Very nice. We had a wonderful dinner. Yeah?

You would have been proud of me.

I restrained myself.

I didn't interfere.

I let him do anything he wanted to... really, really.

I let him go to the men's room all by himself.

No kidding. I don't believe it.

I mean it. I mean it.

I let him order anything he wanted.

I didn't say one word.

He had Boston cream pie for appetizers.

He's a cute kid... And you were terrific.

Thanks. What's the matter?

You've got the lid off the frog's box.

Oh, yeah, I gave him some pizza before.

I guess I forgot to put it back on.

You gave a frog pizza?

He loved it.

Anyway, his name's Lassere, isn't it?

That's the other frog... the one he beat; the runner-up.

His name is Max, one in a million, Maxi...

What's the difference? He liked it. He's not in here.

What do you mean, not...?

Where is he? I don't know.

You fink!

I can't trust you with anything.

He's just a frog.

Just a frog?! Just a frog?!

That's like saying Sabu is just an actor.

I'm sorry.

Well, you see how upset I am?

I'm sorry, Felix.

Talk is cheap, Mister.

Leonard's gonna blame this on me.

Why would he do that? Because everybody blames everything on me.

My father blamed me for the Depression.

Don't laugh.

It's serious.

But you're acting silly.

I'm not silly. Now, where's the frog?

I don't know. He's around here somewhere.

You just... I'll show you.

Come on, Max.

Come on, Max, come on, Max, where are you?

Are you calling a dog?

You don't call a frog like that.

How do you call a frog?

Ribbet... ribbet...

Ribbet. Ribbet, ribbet.

Ribbet, ribbet.

Do you have to say everything I say?

We're looking for the same frog.

Come in.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Felix,

Hi, Murray. Hi, Murray.

Hey, boys, I found it.

Found what?

That's a half a dollar. Finders keepers.

We're looking for a frog.

A frog?

Oscar lost my son's frog.

Well, maybe he's not really lost.

Maybe he just changed into a handsome prince.

How long has the frog been missing?

Just a little while.

I left him with Oscar.

Last seen with Oscar Madison, eh?

Can you describe this frog?

Oh, he's a beautiful frog, Murray, really.

He's emerald green.

He's got the most amazing blue eyes.

He's about two inches tall.

Should be easy to spot in a lineup.

What are you doing, Murray?

I'm a policeman, Oscar.

I believe in going by the book.

Now just let me take charge here, okay?

Go ahead. All right.

Where was the frog last?

He was over there on the TV set.

On the TV set, huh?

Okay. In the box?

Yes. Yes.

In the box.

Now, how far can this frog jump?

About six feet.

Six feet?

One... two... three... four...

He went out like a champ.

Felix, now don't fall apart.

You know what went out that window?

My entire relationship with my son.

Oh, come on, will you? You're exaggerating.

Every weekend is a total disaster.

I don't know.

Last weekend, I took him to the circus.

A zebra misbehaved on his foot.

Do you think he's gonna remember this weekend

for the Boston cream pie?

No, this is the weekend his father murdered his frog.

I'm telling you everything's gonna be all right.

Sitting there, being depressed is not going to help anything.

You know what we'll do?

We'll go out, we'll get him another frog.

They all look alike. He won't know the difference.

Counterfeiter.

You can't fool that kid! He's an Unger.

All right, we'll tell him the truth.

We'll tell him we lost the frog.

We'll give him another one.

Where are we gonna get another frog?

We'll find a pet store or something.

Come on, let's hurry up.

It's late. We'll try, come on.

What about your date? Oh, I'll call her later, Come on.

Murray, will you stay with Leonard?

Just for a little while.

I've got to go on a special assignment later.

Now, wait a minute, now look...

Maybe he didn't jump out the window.

You go around and call around a little bit.

His name is, what was that... Lassky... No, no.

Lazzari.

His name is Max.

Maximillion... one in a million Max.

Max... Max... Take any frog that answers.

What's the matter?

They must have a flamingo in here.

I'm very allergic to flamingos.

Have you got any allergy pills with you?

No, I've got my inhalator.

Kill all the animals, but don't hurt me.

It's not a stick-up.

He's allergic to the flamingos.

Makes my nose itch.

Hi, I'm Buck. What can I do for you?

We're looking for something in a frog.

Should be young, athletic, a good jumper.

We'll go as high as a buck and a quarter.

No, no, no, money is no object.

Well, then, if money's no object, uh...

how about buying the store?

No, we just... we just want a frog.

Well, I've only got one frog, it's true.

Only got one frog in the whole store?

Mm-hmm. I don't generally carry frogs.

If you want a frog, you go out in the lake.

I only carry pedigrees.

Well, then we'll take a pedigree.

Show us what you've got, will you?

I've got a Y.S.F... Yugoslavian swamp frog.

Real clean.

One previous owner.

The, uh... the Y.S.F...

The Yugoslavian swamp frog...

He, uh... is he a good jumper?

He got out of Yugoslavia, didn't he?

Nice-looking frog. Yeah.

Why doesn't he move?

He looks bored.

Nobody likes a blasé frog.

Looks depressed.

Something been bothering him lately?

The usual: inflation, Watergate, Mideast...

Look, I'm getting ready to close, you know.

Is there some sort of warranty on a frog?

You're not buying a television set here.

Can I bring him back if he isn't right?

I guess so. How do I bring him back?

Just let him out the door. He'll hop in a cab, eh?

I don't need sarcasm.

I don't need the froggy back, either.

Leonard hear anything?

No, he's sleeping like a log.

How are you doing with Dubrovnik here?

Nothing. Nothing.

Maybe he's sick.

Feel his forehead.

He's not sick... he's just not very intelligent.

Jump.

Jump.

You're the one that's not very intelligent.

"Jump, jump."

He's a Yugoslavian frog.

He doesn't understand English.

How do you say jump in Yugoslavian?

"Jumka."

Jumka!

Come on watch me... jumka!

Don't laugh.

Jumka.

Jumka.

Jumka.

He won't do it 'cause you're laughing.

'Cause you look so silly. No, it's him.

We've got to psych him out.

How do we do that?

Well, you see, he knows that we're watching him.

They all love attention. We'll ignore him.

Oh, you mean act casual? Yeah.

Hi, Dubrovnik, how you doing?

Doing anything?

Nope.

But I am.

I'm making a fool out of myself

trying to act nonchalant in front of a frog.

It's the laziest frog I ever saw.

He probably sends out for flies.

We've got to get another frog.

What?

We've got to get another frog!

How are we going to do that? We have to go...

All the pet stores are closed.

We have to go to the lake in Central Park.

It's our only hope. Felix, you think I'm going to break a date

with a girl who has been waiting for two hours

to go to Central Park to catch a frog?

A swell guy would.

Yeah, well, I'm not a swell guy.

What other choice have we got?

I'll tell you. Tell Leonard the truth.

Tell the little boy his frog is dead?

Yes. Break his heart?

He'll understand.

He's a bigger kid than you think.

That's the trouble with parents today.

They're not straightforward with their children.

Dr. Spock, go. Go, you tell him.

Me? I give you permission, yeah.

All right, I will tell him.

You'll see, he'll understand.

It's better than going to a lake in Central Park.

You'll see.

Leonard? Leonard?

Oh, hi, Uncle Oscar.

Hi, Leonard. Listen, I'm sorry

to wake you up, but I'm gonna...

Gee, I don't feel like playing cards right now.

Oh no, no, no, I didn't wake you up to play cards this time.

And I'm gonna pay you back the money I owe you, too.

Then what's the matter?

Well, I want to talk to you about Max.

He's a great frog, isn't he?

Oh, he's one in a million.

You kidding?

I can't wait until tomorrow.

I've never won a contest in my life.

We would've won the Little League pennant last year,

except I struck out with the bases loaded.

They called me "Leonard the Loser."

Oh, boy.

What'd you want to say about Max?

Oh, just... Did you know

I'm writing a series of articles

on amphibian athletes?

I'm gonna start with Mark Spitz

and work my way up to Max.

Really? Thanks, Uncle Oscar.

Okay, listen, your Aunt Miriam will look in on you

once in a while.

Your father and I have to go out.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go jump in a lake.

I'm a fun uncle.

Good night, winner.

Good night.

Felix, you've been folding your cuffs for ten minutes now.

Get into this lake with me!

I don't want to ruin the crease.

You get into this lake with me right now or I'm going home!

All right.

I don't know why you can't shoo the frogs

over to me nicely, and I'll catch them.

Ugh!

Ugh!

What's the matter?

Ooh! Ooh, the mud on the bottom here.

What did you expect, carpeting?

But it's such ooze and slime.

Feels like I'm walking on ripe bananas.

When did you do that?

It was a fraternity stunt.

I don't want to talk about it.

It's your idea and I think it's a stupid one.

It's a good idea.

Now empty the Yugoslavian frog in here,

and he'll attract the other frogs.

Come on. Come on.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go... ribbet, ribbet.

Nobody's gonna come to him.

Now just stick your hand in the water

and see if you can find a frog.

Do I have to touch them?

Not unless you can catch them with your teeth.

What is it with you?

Didn't you train Max?

Yes, but I knew something about his background.

He wasn't wallowing in mud like this.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I'm going to have to disinfect my feet

before I put my shoes and socks back on.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Where are your shoes and socks?

I'm wearing them.

Ribbet... Hey, I found something.

A frog? A frog?

A sombrero!

Huh. Wonder how it got here.

Maybe this is where the SS Acapulco went down.

Come on, cut the comedy, will you? It's late.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I don't believe it.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I'm a grown man, I'm standing in mud up to my knees,

surrounded by old Yiddish newspapers...

half an orange peel, and you're imitating a frog.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I wish I had felt this way 20 years ago.

I coulda gotten out of the Army.

Just say to yourself, "Nothing else can happen tonight."

Ribbet.

Here comes a girl.

That is the ugliest girl I ever saw in my life.

Shh! She can hear you.

Hi, fellas.

I think it's a lady of the evening.

Sure. She'd be afraid to show that face in the afternoon.

Hey, guys, it's me, Murray.

Murray?

Our Murray?

In the flesh.

This is your special assignment?

Yeah. We're trying to catch some of your more shady types.

And you're the bait?

This time of night, the muggers don't get a great selection.

It's either me or Kowalski, and he's really let himself go.

What are you guys doing?

We're looking for frogs.

You won't find any frogs in there.

The kids cleaned it all out last week

for the big contest tomorrow.

We tried, Felix. We tried.

Even the Waltons couldn't do more for their kid.

Wipe your feet.

Oh, look at the way he wipes.

I'm sorry. I didn't... feet...

Oh, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

I have no words to ease thy pain.

Don't kid around now, Oscar, please.

I didn't do anything.

Oscar, I beg you, I'm not in the mood for it now.

I thought you... Look at this!

Oh, you typed on him.

He didn't jump toward the window,

he jumped here in the typewriter.

Look at him.

Poor little fellow.

Oh, his leg is hurt.

Oh! Oh, poor little boy.

He's limping.

Yes, he's hungry.

Get him something to eat.

What's a frog eat?

Flies, of course.

Where am I going to get a fly this time of night?

In your room! Go!

What? What do you want?

It's an emergency. Please.

It's a crisis.

It's a personal thing.

Will you help us, please?

All right, all right, all right, all right.

All right.

This is a real emergency.

We're sorry.

Our frog is sick.

Oh, the frog freaks.

That's an emergency?

My wife ran off with a flea collar salesman.

Did I come over and wake you up?

My little son is going to be heartbroken

if the, if the frog doesn't jump in the big contest.

Just take a look at him, will you?

All right, I'll look at the frog.

Yeah, this is not the Yugoslavian frog we bought.

That's an American frog.

An American frog? You bet I'll fix him.

Ah... What do you see? Is he all right?

Well, here's your trouble.

You know he's got a letter E on his leg?

Yeah, we know that.

He got caught in a typewriter.

Gee, if you'd hit the W it could have killed him.

You know I almost did hit the W?

Worse yet,

if you'd hit him with the back space, he'd never have babies.

Is he going to be all right?

Yeah, yeah, he's gonna live a long life,

but his jumping days are over.

Oh, no! Come on! You're a pro!

You can do something for him!

Well, you can try a little massage,

a little heat, maybe a tranquilizer, but...

That will help him?

Well, no, it'll help you.

No!

They didn't give up on Black Beauty!

They didn't give up on Bambi!

They didn't give up on Flicka!

What do you know?

Don't yell at me in front of the animals.

Get out of here before I call a police dog!

People like you don't belong in pets.

At least I never typed on one!

Thanks for nothing, Mr. Flamingo-seller!

Well, Morris, there certainly are some cuckoos in this town.

Okay, here's some more aspirin.

You're going to make it, boy.

You're going to make it.

How's he look?

He's coming along.

There's a little aspirin. Come on.

He looks the same as he did before.

Come on. You're an Unger.

We're gonna get you going.

Come on.

Felix, are you crazy?!

What's the matter with you?!

What are you trying to make here, a frog malted?

No, I'm giving him a whirlpool bath...

Come on, will you, buddy?

I massaged him.

I know... it's 7:00 in the morning.

You've been at it for hours.

I'm telling you he's never gonna jump.

He's got to jump.

Leonard's up already. He's getting ready.

I gave him a heating pad,

Hi, Dad. Hi, Uncle Oscar.

It's the big day.

This is the big day, Leonard.

Hi, Max.

Come on. Jump, jump.

Right here... OSCAR: I don't think he's gonna jump.

Of course, he's going to Why not?

Tell him, will you, Felix?

I believe he's going to jump.

Tell him what Buck said.

What? I believe in faith.

I believe in the power of positive thinking.

How about that? He did it!

You did it! I don't believe it!

He's gonna win, Leonard!

It's gonna be a great thing to see.

It sure will.

Well, good-bye, Dad.

Leonard, Leonard?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

You're not going to take your father with you, huh?

Well, I thought about it.

And I really would like him to go, but you know how it gets.

Like at the Little League team,

he tried to show the umpire how to clean off home base.

Yeah, I know what he's like,

but you know he really means well.

I know.

Let me tell you what happened yesterday.

Max jumped into the typewriter and I sprained his leg.

You can honk because an expert said

that he would never jump again.

But he just did.

Yeah, you know why?

Because your father spent hours.

He massaged him, gave him warm baths.

He did everything for him.

But why?

Because he didn't want to disappoint you.

Dad?

Dad, come on.

We're gonna be late for the contest.

Oh, I... I've got a million things

to clean up here.

You don't want me to go along.

Okay, I'll go.

We're gonna win, too, you'll see.

You push the elevator button.

I'll be right with you. Okay.

Boy, blood is thicker than water.

He wanted me all the time.

Hey, listen, whoa-whoa!

Before you go, do me a favor.

Please remember, it's Leonard's day.

Let him have fun his way, okay?

It doesn't matter how he starts Max.

It doesn't matter if Max wins.

It doesn't matter if the kids cheat.

Please, let him have fun, all right?

Thanks, Oscar.

And, listen, if there's any action, put $20 for me.

I know Max is good, okay?

I'm just... I'm just too emotional, Oscar.

Would you care to say a few words?

Max, for winning the frog contest

and jumping above and beyond the call of duty,

even though you had a typewriter-sprained leg,

we're gonna set you free.

Want you to go, want you to have a good time,

find a lot of friends, live happy.

Go, Max! Live!

Back to nature, Max. Go!

♪ Born free ♪

♪ As free as the wind blows ♪

♪ As free as the grass grows, born free... ♪

Dad! Dad... do you want to be friends?

Yeah.

Don't sing.