Original subtitles

TAKE ME SOMEWHERE.

SO WHEN DO I SEE YOU AGAIN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THURSDAY NIGHT?

MY NEIGHBOR BETTE, SHE'S HAVING A THINGAMAJIGGY.

WHAT? WHAT?

I HAVE SOMETHING ON THURSDAY.

REALLY?

YEAH.

FUCK.

IF SHE ASKED ME TODAY,

I WOULD SAY NO.

MM-HMM.

I WOULD.

YOU WOULD?

YES.

I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.

OH, YOU DO?

I DO.

HMM.

WHAT?

I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS.

IT'S GOOD.

YEAH, IT IS.

OH, GOD.

STOP.

YOU DON'T WANT THIS SHOWING UP

ON YOUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENT.

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BE IN CONTROL.

WE NEED A PLUMBER.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO NEED A CARPENTER, TOO.

IF WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THIS PLACE

PRESENTABLE.

I KNOW ONE.

SHE'S WORKING FOR BETTE AT CAC.

HER NAME IS CANDACE, AND SHE IS MAKING A PACKET, TOO.

WELL, THEN, MAYBE SHE'LL GIVE US A BREAK.

YEAH?

YEAH, CALL HER.

OKAY.

JAMES, HI. IT'S TINA.

IS BETTE THERE?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO,

JUST HAVE HER CALL ME WHEN SHE GETS IN.

UM, DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A NUMBER

FOR CANDACE JEWELL?

YEAH? GOOD.

HEY.

HI.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK IT'S AWESOME. I LOVE IT.

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT?

STEVE...

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE IN BUSINESS WITH SOMEONE,

YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS

WHEN YOU'RE AROUND THEIR FAMILY.

NOW, I ALREADY KNEW

MY DAUGHTER WAS INTO GIRLS.

THAT'S NOT NEWS TO ME.

MAYBE SHE WAS EXPERIMENTING. MAYBE IT'S A PHASE.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS...

STEVE, I DIDN'T...

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS...

IF I'M IN BUSINESS WITH A GUY, AND HE GOES FOR MY DAUGHTER,

I SAY, "IS HE HONEST?

IS HE A GOOD MAN? WILL HE TREAT HER RIGHT?"

STEVE, I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.

BECAUSE I'M ALREADY CUTTING YOU A WHOLE SHITLOAD OF SLACK HERE.

ONE THING I'VE GOT TO WARN YOU...

CHERIE'S ON THE WARPATH.

SHE'LL CALM DOWN FOR SURE,

BUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW,

SHE WANTS YOU DRAWN AND QUARTERED.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE OUR KID BEING GAY,

YOU KNOW?

NO MATTER HOW EVOLVED WE ARE,

IT'S STILL NOT AN EASY LIFE.

SHANE.

SHA... SHANE!

WHAT THE FUCK?

CHERIE,

WILL YOU OPEN THE GATE?

AND I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU COME OUTSIDE.

OPEN THE GATE.

HI. LOOK, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW,

MY PARENTS ARE REALLY MAD RIGHT NOW...

CLEA, GET OUT OF MY CAR, MAN.

LOOK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, THE REALITY OF YOU AND ME,

I THINK IT'S JUST FREAKING THEM OUT.

CLEA, CLEA, CLEA, CLEA, CLEA.

THERE IS NO REALITY OF YOU AND ME.

OH, MY GOD, SHANE. THERE NEVER WAS.

I'VE TOLD YOU THAT I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU WITH THIS PERSON.

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

IT'S COMPLICATED. YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER!

I LOVE YOU, OKAY? SHE DOESN'T.

THERE'S NO WAY SHE'S GOING TO DROP EVERYTHING

AND BE WITH YOU, SHANE.

I NEED ORGANIZATION.

THIS IS NOT ORGANIZATION.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

DO YOU SEE WHAT'S WRONG?

CHERIE, CHERIE!

YOU'RE BOTH STAYING THERE

UNTIL YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

KIDS.

GET OUT.

GET OUT. GET OUT.

I'M TAKING CLEA TO PARIS, AND I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

LISTEN, LISTEN TO ME,

LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME.

I DID NOT DO ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?

SHE'S LYING.

I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T DO IT.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU MEAN

TO ME?

I SWEAR I WOULD NEVER...

YOU FUCKING BITCH!

CLEA!

CLEA!

HI.

AM I INTERRUPTING?

NO, COME ON IN.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

I'M GETTING ORGANIZED.

YEAH?

YEAH.

WHAT?

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

OKAY.

JENNY, TECHNICALLY,

YOU AND I ARE STILL MARRIED.

WE NEED TO GET A DIVORCE.

OF COURSE WE DO.

I FOUND THE NAME OF A GOOD LAWYER

ON CAMPUS.

I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GO... SEE HIM TOGETHER.

OKAY.

SWEETIE,

ALICE IS HERE.

CAN I JUST... THANKS

HI, DANE.

OH, POOR MR. PIDDLES.

OKAY, OKAY.

OH, I'M SO, SO SORRY.

SHE'S BEEN LIKE THIS ALL DAY.

I TRIED TO GET SOMEBODY TO COME AND REMOVE IT,

BUT SHE'S BEEN SITTING THERE FOR, LIKE, THREE HOURS.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, WE...

ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS,

RIGHT, DANA, I MEAN...

I'LL DO ANYTHING, RIGHT,

I'LL DO ANYTHING.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT?

I DON'T WANT HIM CREMATED.

OKAY.

YEAH, WE'LL BURY HIM.

YOU WANT HIM BURIED?

YOU WANT ME

TO ARRANGE THE BURIAL PLOT?

YEAH.

HE SHOULD HAVE A CASKET,

YOU KNOW, MAHOGANY, MAYBE.

ONLY THE BEST FOR MR. P.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE THE VIP RECEPTION

TO EAST ONE.

THE ANISH KAPUR IS IN THERE.

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO IMBUE YOUR MAJOR DONORS

WITH A SENSE OF AWE.

BUT THE ISABELLA PERNAO'S THERE, TOO.

DON'T YOU THINK...

I THINK IT SAYS RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE,

"WE STAND BEHIND THIS SHOW, EVERY FACET OF IT,

"AND WE'RE NOT ABOUT TO HIDE THE MORE CHALLENGING PIECES

FOR ANYBODY'S COMFORT."

YOU KNOW, I STILL NEED TO DISCUSS SECURITY.

CAN YOU MAKE SURE THAT GAVIN DOESN'T LEAVE

BEFORE I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO TALK WITH HIM?

I'LL LET THE CATERERS KNOW ABOUT THE...

GREAT.

HEY, BIG JAMES.

HOLA, SISTER.

HELLO.

YOU REMEMBER YOU SAID

HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS TO EAT?

WELL, WE PICKED UP A LITTLE SOMETHING

FROM THAT WOO-WOO PLACE

ON LA CIENEGA

THAT YOU LOVE SO MUCH.

YOU GUYS, YOU WENT TO REAL FOOD DAILY.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

WELL, IVAN PICKED IT UP

WHILE I WAS AT MY AA MEETING.

OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR COMING.

UM, I GUESS YOU KNOW

WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

NO, I'M... I'M NOT SURE.

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE,

WE'RE TRYING TO FIX THIS PLACE UP,

AND WE NEED HELP.

WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY,

BUT IT'S

A REALLY GREAT PROJECT,

AND THE KIDS,

THEY JUST... THEY LOVE IT HERE.

UH... YEAH.

ANYTHING FOR THE KIDS.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I'M JUST TAKING OUT THE TRASH.

NO, WITH HER.

SHE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU KNOW.

NO, HE'S NOT, WE'RE FRIENDS.

HE HELPS ME OUT WITH STUFF.

THAT'S BECAUSE SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU,

AND SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR HUSBAND.

NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

KIT, BELIEVE ME.

YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO READ THE SIGNALS,

BUT THEY'RE THERE.

I SAW THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT YOU.

SHE IS FULLY COURTING YOU, OLD SCHOOL,

AND YOU'RE LETTING HER.

OH, IS THAT SO?

YEAH, IT IS.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE LESSONS

ON THE RITUAL MATING HABITS OF INDIGENOUS LESBIANS.

MAYBE NEXT WEEK, WE'LL DO BUTCH AND FEMME ROLE PLAYING.

UH, LADIES.

I FIGURED WE SHOULD GET GOING

AND LET YOU GET ON WITH YOUR BUSINESS.

YOU MUST WANT TO GET HOME

TO THE LITTLE WOMAN

SOME TIME TONIGHT.

GOSH, GENE.

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN DINNER AND A MOVIE.

IS THIS HOW YOU GET ALL THE GIRLS?

TRUTH?

YES, PLEASE.

I DON'T REALLY DATE THAT MUCH,

YOU KNOW...

WHY?

UM... I WAS WITH THE SAME WOMAN

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS,

AND SHE NEVER REALLY CAME HERE.

I MEAN, SHE HATED FISH.

SO...

OH.

WE WEREN'T EXACTLY THE GREATEST MATCH.

WHAT ELSE?

UM...

WELL, SHE LIKED TO EXERCISE

EARLY, EARLY IN THE MORNING,

AND...

NO.

I HATE EXERCISE, AND I HATE MORNINGS,

SO...

AND I DID MY THESIS

ON NOCTURNAL BEHAVIOR.

I NEVER REALLY BROKE THE HABIT

OF STAYING UP LATE,

YOU KNOW?

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

USUALLY, I READ...

HMM.

AND...

SHE WASN'T JEWISH.

OH, GENE,

IS THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU?

NO.

NO, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IT'S...

IT'S JUST AN ADDED BONUS.

HEY.

WAS THAT OKAY?

IT WAS NICE.

OH, "NICE." ARE YOU SERIOUS?

NO, IT WAS NICE.

THAT'S DAMNING WITH FAINT PRAISE.

YOU WANT TO GO MEET THE SEALS?

I MEANT IT. IT WAS NICE.

HMM?

YES. THE SEALS MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND.

ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE A GOOD KISSER?

NO,

ABOUT YOUR STORY.

THEY'RE WAY BETTER COMMUNICATORS

THAN MANATEES.

THEY EVEN HAVE DIALECTS.

I THINK YOU'LL LOVE THEM.

OKAY.

COME ON.

OKAY. HMM?

WOW.

THIS IS WHERE I SPEND MY DAYS.

GOSH.

YEAH.

HELLO.

YEAH, THE SEALS

HAVE THIS AMAZINGLY INTRICATE SYSTEM OF COMMUNICATION

THAT LETS THEM SETTLE QUARRELS

WITHOUT FIGHTING.

IT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE.

COME HERE.

WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

IT'S VERY CIVILIZED.

UM, YOU KNOW...

WHOA, HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

I WANT TO.

UM... I KNOW YOU WENT...

ARE YOU SURE?

MM-HMM.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M FINE.

I'M FINE.

I'M SORRY, DID I... DID I DO SOMETHING?

NO, NO, I'M FINE, FINE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE FINE.

YOU'RE CRYING.

I'M SO SORRY. DID I HURT YOU?

NO.

UM...

ARE YOU OKAY?

I...

I...

UM...

SHH, SHH...

OH, NO, NO. OH, SHH...

OH, JENNY.

HE LOOKS A LITTLE STRANGE.

YEAH, I THINK

HE HASN'T REALLY THAWED OUT YET.

WE WERE AFRAID

HE WAS GOING TO DECOMPOSE,

SO SHANE AND I

PUT HIM IN THE FREEZER.

HOW IS SHANE?

SHE SEEMS PREOCCUPIED.

YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S NOT TALKING,

BUT I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO

WITH HER AND HER HOLLYWOOD WIFE.

I'M NOT GOING TO STOP CALLING UNTIL YOU DO, ALL RIGHT?

ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

OH, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT MR. P.

I KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANT TO YOU.

I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO KNOW HIM

BEFORE HE PASSED ON.

OH, THANKS FOR TAKING

SUCH GOOD CARE OF HIM, KIT.

I DIDN'T KNOW HIM, BUT MY CONDOLENCES.

IVAN.

HI.

HI.

I'M SO SORRY.

THIS WAS GOING TO BE YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

I WANT YOU TO UNWRAP IT.

BY ONE OF MY FAVORITE ARTISTS,

ED CONLIN.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT IS WITH THE TWIN THING?

ARE THEY MERGING ALREADY?

WILL YOU TAKE THIS FOR ME?

THANKS.

HI, BABY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

YOU GUYS...

TONYA.

OH.

I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST TO MR. PIDDLES.

TO MR. P., KITTY,

YOU WELL-LOVED FURRY FELINE.

WE WILL MISS YOU.

CHEERS. MR. P.

HEY, DANE, HERE WE GO.

YEAH.

I SHOULD SAY SOMETHING, RIGHT?

OKAY.

EVERYBODY,

I JUST WANT TO SAY...

TO SAY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING,

AND... YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST FRIENDS

ANYBODY COULD EVER HAVE.

IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE

WHEN YOU REALIZE WHAT'S IMPORTANT,

AND THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE

WHO ARE THERE FOR YOU,

THE ONES WHO GOT YOU THROUGH,

AND... THEN THE ONES YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT,

AND I'VE ALSO REALIZED

HOW IMPORTANT TONYA IS TO ME... COME HERE...

AND SHE, MORE THAN ANYONE,

HAS REALLY HELPED ME GET THROUGH

THIS REALLY TERRIBLE TIME,

AND I JUST... I JUST WANTED YOU ALL

TO BE THE FIRST TO KNOW...

JUST SHOW THEM, SHOW THEM.

TONYA AND I ARE ENGAGED.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

NO WAY.

I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST A SHAME

THAT MR. P. CAN'T BE HERE TO SHARE THIS WITH US,

BUT I'M SURE HE'D BE FILLED WITH JOY LIKE ME.

IT'S A CONFLICT OF INTEREST.

IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE CAC, AND IT'S NOT FAIR TO CANDACE.

I'M SORRY,

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE

SUCH A BIG DEAL FOR YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHY

YOU'RE FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE EXPLOITING HER.

I MEAN, SHE DOESN'T MAKE THAT MUCH MONEY,

AND SHE MIGHT JUST HAVE FELT SHE HAD TO DO IT BECAUSE OF ME.

SHE SEEMED HAPPY TO DO IT.

SHE SAID YES?

YES.

SELFISH...

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU

TO MOVE ON OUT OF HERE.

LISTEN, I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

LISTEN, THEY'RE EXPECTING ME, ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE GOING TO BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

NO, THEY WON'T,

AND IF YOU DON'T GET YOURSELF

FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM THEIR HOUSE,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN VIOLATION

OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER THEY FILED AGAINST YOU.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH.

FINE.

TINA.

I'M SORRY.

I... I OVERREACTED.

I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW STRESSED OUT I AM.

I MEAN,

I KNOW THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE

MY BEHAVIOR,

BUT I THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A NICE THING

IF YOU HAD TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE TALKING TO SOMEONE

THAT I'M WORKING WITH.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER? I'M MEETING OSCAR AND ESAI.

CAN YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY?

I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T THINK

TO WARN YOU.

WE'VE BEEN A LITTLE OUT OF TOUCH.

IT'LL BE OVER SOON.

AS SOON AS THE SHOW OPENS...

SURE.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER...

WHENEVER I GET A MINUTE.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

WHAT AM I DOING?

HI.

HEY.

YOU'RE STILL HERE.

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OKAY.

I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

YOU MUST HAVE THOUGHT I WAS A CRAZY PERSON.

NO,

YOU JUST SEEMED...

REALLY SAD.

AT LEAST I HAVE SOME IDEA

OF WHAT'S GOING ON,

YOU KNOW...

IT'S PRETTY INTENSE.

MY LIFE...

SO AM I, LIKE, THE FIRST GUY YOU TRIED TO BE WITH

SINCE YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT WOMAN

AND YOUR MARRIAGE FELL APART

AND SHE DROPPED YOU LIKE A HOT POTATO?

YEAH.

YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY SINCE TIM.

MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH GUYS.

NO.

NO, I...

I STILL LIKE GUYS...

I DO.

I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?

I LIKE YOU.

I LIKE YOU, TOO.

I HOPE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.

I JUST TOOK THE LIBERTY

OF ORDERING FOR YOU, SO...

YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO GET

EVEN BEFORE I KNOW IT.

I'M GETTING SPOILED.

NOTHING...

NOTHING COULD SPOIL YOU, NOTHING.

IVAN...

I ADORE YOU,

I REALLY DO,

AND YOU ARE THE FINEST PERSON

I'VE EVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE

OF SPENDING TIME WITH...

BUT THIS,

IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

UH, WHAT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT IT?

I... I JUST DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER YOU IN RETURN.

OH, NO.

YOU... YOU OFFER ME SO MUCH. YOU CAN'T IMAGINE...

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

PLEASE, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS.

I... I'M A STRAIGHT WOMAN...

A TWO-MONTHS-FROM-50-YEAR

LIFETIME HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU...

IF YOU WERE A MAN...

YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT MAN...

AND I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE

WHO COULD BE BETTER FOR YOU

AND JUST GIVE YOU WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, KIT?

NO.

NO, NOT IN THE BIG-PICTURE SENSE THAT YOU MEAN.

THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW I CAN'T GIVE IT TO YOU?

SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?

I DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WHAT?

JENNY, THIS IS MY HOUSE.

I THINK IT'S MY BUSINESS

IF YOU'RE FUCKING SOME OTHER GUY

IN MY HOUSE!

NO.

YOU AND I ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

LOOK AT ME!

BECAUSE YOU FELL IN LOVE

WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!

AND THAT RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED, AND NOW I'M DATING OTHER PEOPLE.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE

IF I'M DATING A MAN OR A WOMAN, TIM?

THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT WE WERE ENGAGED.

YOU WERE SUPPOSEDLY IN LOVE WITH ME.

YOU SWORE

THAT IF YOU WERE EVER GOING TO BE WITH A MAN AGAIN,

I WAS THE MAN YOU WERE GOING TO BE WITH,

THE ONLY MAN.

AND I BELIEVED IT WHEN I SAID IT TO YOU, TIM.

BUT IT WASN'T TRUE.

JENNY, YOU'VE TAKEN OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP,

TURNED IT INTO THIS ENORMOUS FUCKING LIE.

I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY LIFE ANYMORE.

IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.

DO YOU WANT ME TO MOVE OUT?

IT'S GOT TO BE BETTER THAN THIS,

RIGHT?

YEAH, I KNOW THAT THE SEQUENCING

IS COMPLETELY WRONG IN THIS ROOM.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, THAT IS AN OPI,

THAT IS NOT A SPINACI,

SO I THINK WHAT WE HAVE TO... DO

IS TO...

ACTUALLY, CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

YEAH.

I NEED 45 MINUTES IN MY OFFICE, ALONE.

SURE, ABSOLUTELY.

I, JENNIFER SCHECTER, AM NOT TOO SURE OF WHO I AM,

BECAUSE THERE ARE SEVERAL OF ME.

THEY FLOAT UP FROM ME LIKE PHANTOMS

AND SLINK OFF TO COMMIT ACTS

FOR WHICH I MAY OR MAY NOT BE RESPONSIBLE.

JENNIFER DIANE SCHECTER

IS NOT AT ALL SURE WHETHER ANY OF THIS HAPPENED,

OR WHETHER IT WAS SIMPLY A TALE

AS TOLD TO J.D.S. BY J.D.

AFTER A POEM BY J.

I, J.D.S., JENNIFER SCHECTER, HAVE SO MANY SELVES...

THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE I BEGIN...

OR IF I END.

HEY.

IS IT TIME TO GO?

PROVOCATIONS STARTS AT 7:30,

BUT, YOU KNOW, TAKE YOUR TIME.

BABE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY DRESS?

ARE YOU...

BABY?

SWEETHEART, COME ON.

LET'S GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

BABY, WE HAVE TO HAVE YOU THERE IN 40 MINUTES.

BABY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU ARE SO EXHAUSTED.

I AM... I AM EXHAUSTED.

YOU JUST NEED TO GET THROUGH TODAY

AND TONIGHT,

AND THEN YOU CAN CRASH.

YOU DESERVE TO JUST FALL APART.

I MIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU DO,

I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

OKAY?

GOING TO BE OKAY?

HMM?

TEE...

WHAT?

I REALLY...

I REALLY WANT US TO TRY AGAIN

TO HAVE A BABY.

I WANT... I NEED US TO START OUR FAMILY.

MAYBE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, OKAY?

I NEED A LITTLE TIME...

AND THEN WE'LL DO IT,

WE'LL START OUR FAMILY.

I JUST NEED SOME TIME.

LET'S GET YOU DRESSED.

WOW.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

BETTE! BETTE PORTER!

MISS PORTER, WHAT IS PROVOCATIONS ABOUT?

AND FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, BETTE,

HOW MUCH IS THE CAC SPENDING ON SECURITY?

PROVOCATIONS IS THE EDGE OF OUR PRESENT CULTURE,

WHERE WE STAND TO FACE OURSELVES

BEFORE WE JUMP INTO AN UNKNOWN FUTURE.

THANK YOU.

OH.

DO YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE?

I, ACTUALLY, I HAVE MANY.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE?

UM, NO, THANKS.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. REALLY?

MAYBE LATER.

OKAY.

HEY.

HEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, TRISH.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

GENE FEINBERG.

TIM HASPEL. IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU.

HEY, YOU TOO.

HAS SHE TOLD YOU SHE'S A DYKE?

YEAH.

RIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU TOLD ME

THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE

WITH THAT ONE WOMAN,

AND NOW YOU'RE SLEEPING

WITH ANOTHER WOMAN,

BUT...

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE A DYKE.

I AM SO SORRY.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY.

YOU'RE HERE.

WOW, YOU LOOK...

ALIKE.

NO, WE DON'T.

SHE'S IN A SKIRT, AL.

AND STRIPES.

YOU HAVE TO MEET MELISSA RIVERS. MELISSA, HONEY, HI!

EXCUSE US.

WELL, I MEAN...

SHE'S NOT THAT BAD.

SHE'S NOT.

AND UNTIL YOU HAVE SOME CONCRETE EVIDENCE,

I'D SAY DROP IT.

ALL RIGHT, I THINK SHE KILLED MR. PIDDLES,

THAT'S WHAT.

OH, GOD, WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE COMPETITION.

IT'S BECAUSE MR. PIDDLES

WAS GOING TO INHERIT DANA'S FORTUNE,

AND TONYA MURDERED HIM

SO SHE COULD BE THE NEXT IN LINE, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

DROP IT.

COME ON.

FUCKING CRANKY.

IF YOU EVER

COME NEAR MY WIFE OR MY DAUGHTER,

THERE'S NOT ONE STREET

IN THIS TOWN

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WALK DOWN

WITHOUT FEARING FOR YOUR LIFE.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

CANDACE, HI.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THE DISPLAYS LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU. THANKS.

HEY, TINA, THIS IS MY FRIEND MIKELA.

HI.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

DOESN'T SHE?

HI. I'M BETTE PORTER.

MIKELA MICHAELS.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

AND YOU.

IT LOOKS DIFFERENT THAN THIS MORNING,

DOESN'T IT?

IT'S A TRIUMPH FOR YOU.

WELL, NOT FOR ME,

FOR THE ARTISTS.

AND THE PIECE

IN THE OTHER ROOM, "JESUS...

THAT ONE'S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

YEAH, THE ARTIST

IS RIGHT OVER THERE, ISABELLA PERNAO.

THE CHAIRMAN OF MY BOARD

IS MAKING STRANGE HAND SIGNALS.

I'D BETTER GO.

TEE?

BYE.

ACTUALLY, THERE'S THIS WHOLE NEW SCHOOL OF THOUGHT

ON ANIMAL DESIRE,

WHICH EXTENDS WAY BEYOND JUST THE INSTINCT TO REPRODUCE.

UM, FOR EXAMPLE, SAME-SEX WALRUSES

HAVE BEEN SEEN KISSING ONE ANOTHER,

WHICH CAN'T REALLY BE EXPLAINED

IN TERMS OF THE BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE,

SO...

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IS THIS YOUR THURSDAY NIGHT THINGAMAJIGGY?

MM-HMM. HE'S CUTE.

UM, THIS IS GENE.

THIS IS ROBIN.

HI, GENE. ROBIN.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU TOO.

THIS IS SORT OF AWKWARD.

HI, JENNY.

AND YOU'RE...

HI. I'M GENE.

I'M MARINA.

A PLEASURE.

HEY.

ROBIN, I WANT YOU TO MEET DANA.

DANA...

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

HEY.

UM...

DO YOU WANT TO GO?

IT'S COOL, I MEAN...

NO, I WANT TO GO, OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH, LET'S GO.

BYE.

BYE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU HEARD HIM. HE'LL KILL YOU.

YOU KNOW, MY ENTIRE LIFE, PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT...

I WOULD BECOME A PSYCHOPATH IF I DIDN'T LEARN HOW TO FEEL...

AND I WANT TO KNOW, CHERIE,

WHAT THE FUCK IS SO GREAT

ABOUT FEELING?

BECAUSE I FINALLY LET MYSELF,

AND I FEEL LIKE MY HEART'S BEEN COMPLETELY RIPPED OUT.

I'M SORRY.

I HAD THIS INSANE IDEA

THAT YOU AND I COULD BE TOGETHER...

BECAUSE IT FELT REAL.

IT WAS A DELUSION.

THEN I'M DELUSIONAL...

BECAUSE I SWEAR YOU FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME.

WHAT IF I DID?

WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE?

WHAT IF IN THE TIME THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER,

I FELT MORE ALIVE THAN I HAVE IN THE LAST 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE?

WHAT IF THAT WERE TRUE?

DO YOU THINK THAT I WOULD LEAVE MY HUSBAND, MY CHILD,

MY HOUSES IN BEL AIR AND EAST HAMPTON,

MY TRIPS TO PARIS,

MY BLACK-TIE GALAS...

TO RUN TO SOME RANK LITTLE LOVE NEST

WITH A 25-YEAR-OLD ASSISTANT HAIRDRESSER

WHO BARELY HAS HER FOOT IN THE DOOR?

IN THIS FUCKING UGLY WORLD,

THAT KIND OF LOVE DOES NOT EXIST.

OH, HEY, TINA.

I... I WANTED TO TELL BETTE

HOW PROUD I AM OF HER,

BUT SHE'S WITH SOME BIGWIGS

OR SOMETHING,

SO WOULD YOU TELL HER

I'LL CALL HER TOMORROW?

YEAH, I WILL.

OKAY. BYE.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU AGAIN,

IVAN.

TAKE CARE.

TAKE CARE.

I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

OH, IT MADE ME FEEL SO GOOD, I FEEL A LITTLE HIGH.

HEY, SEE, THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T NEED DOPE.

YOU DON'T NEED BOOZE.

YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED...

YEAH.

RIGHT HERE.

YEAH.

IVAN...

WHAT I SAID THE OTHER DAY,

I... I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DO FOR ME.

WAIT RIGHT HERE.

♪ IF YOU WANT A LOVER ♪

♪ I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU ASK ME TO ♪

♪ AND IF YOU WANT ANOTHER KIND OF LOVE ♪

♪ I'LL WEAR A MASK FOR YOU ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT A PARTNER TAKE MY HAND ♪

♪ OR IF YOU WANT TO STRIKE ME DOWN IN ANGER ♪

♪ HERE I STAND ♪

♪ I'M YOUR MAN ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT A BOXER ♪

♪ I WILL STEP INTO THE RING FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND IF YOU WANT A DOCTOR ♪

♪ I'LL EXAMINE EVERY INCH OF YOU ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT A DRIVER CLIMB INSIDE ♪

♪ OR IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ME FOR A RIDE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW YOU CAN ♪

♪ I'M YOUR MAN ♪♪

DO YOU WANT SOME TEA?

SURE.

OKAY.

HEY.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

TIM LET ME IN.

OKAY.

UM...

JEN,

I SWEAR TO GOD I HAD NO IDEA

YOU AND MARINA EVEN KNEW EACH OTHER.

OKAY?

SHE TOTALLY SET US UP

HERE...

I WAS GOING TO STOP SEEING HER AFTER TONIGHT,

SO IT'S NO WONDER I NEVER WAS REALLY INTO HER.

I... I'M... I'M...

WELL...

I'M SORRY.

DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE BEFORE

YOU MAKE YOUR DECISION,

YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO YOUR PHONE MACHINE.

PERHAPS YOU'LL WANT US BOTH TO GO.

THE MESSAGE CAME IN

WHEN I WAS SITTING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP BUT HEAR IT.

OKAY.

JENNY, IT'S MARINA.

I'M SORRY.

SEEING ROBIN AND BRINGING HER TONIGHT...

I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

I KNOW I AM,

AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE.

OH, FUCK.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW,

I SHOULD PROBABLY BE THE ONE TO GO.

GENE, NO, I SHOULD GO. NO.

NO.

I DON'T WANT EITHER OF YOU TO LEAVE.

I KNOW.

I SAW IT.

I'M SORRY.

I LOVE YOU.

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

OH, GOD.

I'M SORRY.

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. I LOVE YOU.

STOP IT!

NO, NO!

STOP IT, STOP IT!

FUCK YOU.

NO... NO!

STOP...

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

HI.

HI.

HI. I HAVE TO TALK.

WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S 4:00 AM. I KNOW.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU CAN'T MARRY TONYA.

SWEETIE, ARE YOU OKAY? DO YOU NEED ME?

NO. NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY?

BECAUSE...

BECAUSE WHY?

BECAUSE.

OH, FUCK.

FUCK.

OH, GOD, I'D BETTER GO.

I'D BETTER GO.

FUCK, ALICE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

OH, MY GOD.

TINA?

TINA,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HEY.

ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT...

I'M SORRY, I JUST...

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I JUST LET MYSELF IN.

I...

THAT'S OKAY.

I WAS... WONDERING

IF I COULD STAY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

YEAH.

TINA, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED?

HEY.

HEY, STOP.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OKAY? OKAY.

COME HERE, COME HERE.

OKAY, IT'S OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

I'VE GOT YOU. I'VE GOT YOU.