Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

CHECK IT OUT.

HO, HO, HO, YEAH!

COME ON.

PLEASE?

[ALL BEGGING]

YEAH, ALL THE WAY!

I WAS THINKING ABOUT ASKING

YOLANDA'S EX-GIRLFRIEND

TO BID ON THE PROVOCATIONS JOB.

IS SHE A CONTRACTOR?

A CARPENTER.

SHE'S GOT AN ALL-WOMAN CREW.

THAT'S COOL.

YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY HIRE HER.

HEY.

OH, HEY, GUYS.

HELLO.

HELLO.

GOOD MORNING.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ARE HIS PILLS.

HE GETS THEM THREE TIMES A DAY.

IT'S RIGHT HERE, SEE?

THREE TIMES A DAY WITH WET FOOD,

AND IT'S BEST TO SORT OF LET HIM

WAKE UP ON HIS OWN,

BECAUSE HE'S LESS CRABBY

ABOUT TAKING THEM THAT WAY,

BUT HE SHOULD...

HE SHOULD BE OKAY, RIGHT, P.?

RIGHT, MR. P.?

WOW, YOU ARE UP SO EARLY, BETTE.

YEAH, WELL, I GUESS

IT'S JUST THE EXCITEMENT OF THE TRIP.

THAT SHE'S TOO BUSY TO GO ON.

YEAH, BUT SOMEONE'S READY TO PARTY

FOR THE BOTH OF US.

THAT'S RIGHT. RIGHT ON, HUH?

YEAH, LET'S GO.

YES.

WAS JENNY'S A REGULAR LATTE?

IS JENNY GOING WITH YOU?

I INVITED HER.

I FELT BAD FOR HER.

SHE'S ALL ALONE.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

I GUESS.

SAY, "BYE, EVERYBODY.

"I'M GOING TO STAY WITH AUNTIE KIT

"WHILE MOM GOES AWAY

WITH ALL OF HER FRIENDS," RIGHT?

SAY, "BYE, SHANE. BYE, LENORE.

"BYE, BETTE AND TINA.

HAVE FUN IN PALM SPRINGS."

YES, MR. P.

AUNTIE KIT WILL WATCH YOUR BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, KIT.

[ALICE]: WHOO-HOO. CONGRATULATE ME.

I GOT MY PERIOD.

SO WHY ARE WE CONGRATULATING YOU?

HUH?

BECAUSE I LOVE GETTING MY PERIOD.

SHE DOES.

EVER SINCE SHE WAS A KID.

RIGHT.

YEAH, NO, BECAUSE IT REAFFIRMS MY WOMANHOOD.

I LIKE TO CELEBRATE IT

TO, YOU KNOW,

SHOW WOMEN EVERYWHERE IT'S A BLESSING,

IT'S NOT A CURSE.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, ROAD TRIP?

LET'S GO.

[SHANE]: SEE YOU, KIT. BYE, BETTE.

I'LL CALL YOU.

HAVE A SLIPPERY NIPPLE FOR ME.

YEP.

[DANA]: GOODBYE, P. MAN.

BYE.

BYE.

BY THE WAY, YOU WERE AMAZING

ON INSIGHT WITH GEORGE PARSON.

I MEAN, ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

I REALLY APPLAUD YOUR CAUSE AND YOUR COMMITMENT AND...

OH, GOD, THAT BITCH, FAE BUCKLEY,

YOU SHOULD HAVE DECKED HER.

THANK YOU.

IT WAS GREAT.

SO IS THIS A GOLF TOURNAMENT?

YEAH.

IT'S THE KRAFT-NABISCO

PROFESSIONAL WOMEN'S GOLF TOURNAMENT.

OTHERWISE KNOWN

AS THE DINAH SHORE WEEKEND.

IS SHE GAY?

NO, DINAH SHORE'S DEAD.

SHE DIED BACK IN '94,

AND, ACTUALLY, THE WORD IS

THAT SHE HATED

HER SNOOTY LITTLE GOLF TOURNAMENT

TURNED INTO A SPRING BREAK FOR LESBIANS,

REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE, LIKE, 10,000 WOMEN THERE.

WOW.

OH, GOD.

YEAH, I'M DOING A STORY ON IT FOR THE WEEKLY.

GOT TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THIS LAME-ASSED WEEKEND.

AND DANA'S GETTING AN H.R.C. AWARD.

YEAH, AND WE'RE TOTALLY PROUD OF HER.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S THE HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN.

IT'S THE BIGGEST GAY CIVIL RIGHTS ORGANIZATION

IN THE COUNTRY.

IT'S A HUGE DEAL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

♪ I LOOK TO THE CHILDREN ♪

♪ I DRANK FROM THE FOUNTAINS ♪

♪ THERE'S MORE THAN ONE ANSWER TO THESE QUESTIONS ♪

♪ POINTING ME IN A CROOKED LINE ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ THE LESS I SEEK MY SOURCE FOR SOME DEFINITIVE ♪

♪ THE CLOSER I AM TO FINE YEAH ♪

♪ CLOSER I AM TO FINE, YEAH ♪♪

[ALL WHISTLING]

THANK GOD.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAD TO HEAR THAT SONG

WHEN ALICE WAS FIRST COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET?

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

IT WAS ALL ABOUT ANNIE FLAHERTY.

OH, TELL THEM

YOUR COMING-OUT STORY, HONEY.

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S NOT MY COMING-OUT STORY.

IT WAS JUST A DRUNK HIGH SCHOOL GROPE.

TELL US YOUR COMING-OUT STORY.

WELL, THEY GOT HAMMERED, THE TWO OF THEM,

AND THEN THEY SCAMPERED UNDER THE BLEACHERS

FOR A SMOKE,

WHICH, OF COURSE, SHE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO DO,

AND THEN, JUST AS THEY WERE ABOUT TO KISS...

[LAUGHING]

ANNIE VOMITED ALL OVER ALICE.

OH... OH! OH.

NOW, MY REAL COMING-OUT STORY HAPPENED IN COLLEGE.

MY BOYFRIEND GREG AND I HAD THIS BAND CALLED BUTTER.

WE PLAYED EVERY WEEKEND AT THE TAP ROOM,

WHICH WAS, LIKE, OUR, YOU KNOW, BAR ON CAMPUS.

BUTTER RULES!

[SHOUTS]

IT WAS THREE GUYS AND ME.

I DON'T KNOW, I WASN'T THAT INTO IT,

BUT GREG THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GO ALL THE WAY.

[MUSIC STOPS]

HEY!

WHERE'S BRAD?

BUT, ANYWAY, OUR BASS PLAYER QUITS ONE DAY, RIGHT,

SO WE HAD THREE DAYS TO FIND A NEW ONE,

SO WE HOLD THESE AUDITIONS,

AND THEY COULDN'T PLAY BASS TO SAVE THEIR LIVES.

GET YOUR FEET OFF THE TABLE.

SHOW SOME RESPECT.

DAVE, GIVE ME MY LAST FUCKING CIGARETTE!

FUCKING COCK.

AND THEN... TAYO WALKS ON STAGE.

DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME.

GOD. GET AWAY FROM ME.

WE WERE FAMOUS

IN OUR LITTLE COLLEGE UNIVERSE.

I MEAN, PEOPLE WERE COMING JUST TO SEE US.

[CROWD SHOUTING]

AND ME AND TAYO,

WE HAD AMAZING CHEMISTRY ON STAGE.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

[♪♪♪]

TAYO AND I ONLY LASTED ABOUT TWO MONTHS.

AFTER ME, SHE WENT THROUGH

EVERY GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL,

AND TRANSGENDERED ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE A DIRTY BISEXUAL, HUH?

LET'S HEAR YOUR STORY.

OH, THAT'S NICE. YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY?

IT'S PROBABLY FRESH WOUNDS.

IT WAS 12 YEARS AGO, MOM.

GOD, SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

IT WAS AT TENNIS CAMP.

I WAS 16,

SHE WAS 17.

EVERYBODY, OUT ON THE COURTS.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

SHE WAS MY COUNSELOR.

BUT SHE'S FAMOUS NOW, SO I CAN'T.

I'LL JUST CALL HER RALPH.

AREN'T YOU READY YET?

GOD, SHE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EYES

YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

I LOVE YOU, [BEEP].

I LOVE YOU MORE.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

SHE NEEDED TO TELL SOMEBODY ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

SO SHE WROTE HER BEST FRIEND AT HOME

AND TOLD HER ABOUT US AND HOW IN LOVE WE WERE...

AND HER FRIEND TOLD HER PARENTS...

AND HER PARENTS YANKED HER OUT OF TENNIS CAMP, LIKE THAT.

[FATHER]: HONEY, WE'LL TALK IN A MINUTE.

[MOTHER]: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

JUST GO, PLEASE.

AFTER THAT, I RAN INTO HER AT A FEW MATCHES,

AND SHE WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME.

SO ANYWAY, THAT'S IT.

TENNIS PLAYERS ARE LIKE GIRLS IN COLLEGE...

GAY UNTIL GRADUATION.

[LAUGHTER]

[KNOCKING]

HEY, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

JAMES...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY SORRY

EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL ME.

OKAY, WELL, I'M SORRY.

A CANDACE JEWELL IS HERE FOR YOU.

CAN YOU TELL HER

I'LL MEET HER IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM?

OKAY.

SO I THINK WE'LL DEDICATE

THIS GALLERY TO TWO ARTISTS.

ISABELLA PERNAO,

WHO DOES THESE AMAZING

LARGE-SCREEN VIDEO INSTALLATIONS,

WHO I THINK SHOULD BE ON THIS WALL,

AND RAY FIELD'S WORK

SHOULD BE ON THE OTHER WALL.

HE DOES HAND-DRAWN, LETTERED BOOKS,

SO WE'RE GOING TO NEED

TO CONSTRUCT SOME DISPLAY CASES FOR THOSE.

IT'S JUST LIKE THEATER-SET CONSTRUCTION.

IS THAT A GOOD THING?

WELL, I DID IT IN COLLEGE.

I LOVED IT.

OH.

LOOK, WHAT IF, INSTEAD OF WALL MOUNTING,

WE WERE TO CONSTRUCT

SOME FREE-STANDING SCAFFOLDING HERE?

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD WORK

SOMETHING LIKE SHOJI SCREENS.

I THINK IT WOULD REALLY

MAKE THE SPACE MORE DYNAMIC

FOR DISPLAYING THE WORK.

HMM.

WELL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE YOU

TO GET ME A BID?

I DON'T KNOW. TODAY?

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OKAY.

OKAY, THEN.

MY COMING-OUT STORY ALSO INVOLVES SOMEONE FAMOUS.

IT WAS THE '70s,

AND EVERY WEEKEND I WENT

TO ONE OF THESE PARTIES AT THE MANSION...

WHICH, OF COURSE,

WAS FULL OF SWINGERS AND ORGIES AND DRUGS,

AS I AM SURE YOU GIRLS KNOW.

SO, ONE NIGHT,

THERE WAS AN EX OF MINE

THAT I HADN'T SEEN IN YEARS,

AND HE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM,

AND ALL I COULD THINK OF TO SAY TO HIM WAS...

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO WAIT IN THE CAR."

MOM, THAT IS STRAIGHT

OUT OF TALLULAH BANKHEAD'S BIOGRAPHY.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DIDN'T SAY IT.

ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?

MM-HMM! THE POOL.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE INDISCREET HERE,

BUT THERE WAS AN INCIDENT IN A POOL

WITH TWO GIRLS, AND, UM...

I MEAN, THESE GIRLS

WERE REAL KNOCKOUTS.

I MEAN, MOST OF THE GIRLS THAT WENT TO THOSE PARTIES

WERE KNOCKOUTS,

BUT THEY WERE GIVING EACH OTHER A TONSIL INSPECTION

THAT WOULD HAVE MADE A DOCTOR BLUSH.

SO I DECIDED, "OH, WHAT THE HEY?"

AND JOINED IN...

[CHUCKLING]

AND WHAT CAN I SAY?

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND...

IT WAS HOT.

OKAY. SHANE.

DO YOU WANT TO SHARE

YOUR STORY?

YEAH, UM...

THAT'S EASY.

TIFFANY GARDNER.

SHE WAS THIS GORGEOUS BLONDE WHO LIVED DOWN THE STREET...

AND I USED TO SIT FOR HOURS AND WATCH HER PLAY IN THE PARK.

THEN, ONE DAY, I THOUGHT,

"YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THIS.

"ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.

I'M GOING TO MEET THIS CHICK."

SO, I PACK UP MY SUNSHINE MEAL AND I WALK OVER TO HER...

AND SHE'S JUST SITTING THERE IN THE SAND

PLAYING HARD TO GET...

AND I KNOW I WAS HOOKED.

THAT GIRL TOOK MY SUNSHINE MEAL TOY,

AND THEN SHE TOOK MY HEART.

OKAY. PERFECT TIMING.

HERE WE ARE.

JENNY, WILL YOU OPEN THE DOOR FOR MY MOM?

THAT REMINDS ME

OF THIS BEAUTIFUL BUT TRAGIC LESBIAN

WHO ONCE PASSED OUT ON MY KITCHEN FLOOR...

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET.

JOHN CASSAVETES AND GENA ROWLANDS

HAD COME FOR LUNCH THAT DAY

AND, OF COURSE, THEY'D HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS, AS HAD I,

AND JUST AS THEY WALK IN THE KITCHEN,

SHE WAKES UP...

MOM, I THINK YOUR PHONE'S RINGING.

OH, LET ME JUST FINISH MY STORY.

SO SHE WAKES UP, JUST AT THAT MOMENT...

MAYBE IT'S YOUR NEW AGENT.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE RIGHT.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

BYE, LENORE.

BYE, LENORE.

BYE, LENORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DANA? HELP ME.

WHAT?

JUST HELP ME. JUST HELP... GRAB A BAG.

I CAN GET THAT ONE.

JUST GRAB A BAG.

I CAN GET IT.

COME ON.

MOM, I LEFT THE BAG ON THE PORCH!

GET IN THE CAR!

BYE, LENORE.

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

OH, MY GOD.

AM I GOING TO HELL FOR THAT?

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, GUYS.

YOUR ASSES WERE IN THIS VAN SO FAST. COME ON.

POOR LENORE.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

AW, FUCK.

HELLO?

NO, MA... HI. NO.

NO, IT'S JUST, WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG YOU WERE GOING TO BE,

AND DANA HAS GOT TO REGISTER FOR THE EVENT...

SO, YEAH.

OKAY, YEAH. OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

I WILL.

OKAY. I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON.

OKAY. BYE.

[PHONE BEEPS]

SHE WAS MAKING US CRAZY, RIGHT?

I MEAN...

RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH.

DANA? DANA FAIRBANKS.

SO, SO GLAD TO MEET YOU.

I'M TONYA, GUEST LIAISON.

I'M HERE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL YOUR NEEDS.

OH.

LET ME GET THIS FOR YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS DANA FAIRBANKS, OKAY?

WE NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE HER STUFF

TO HER ROOM, SUITE 251.

SO ARE YOU ALONE?

UH, NO, I'M WITH FRIENDS.

DID YOU WANT TO BRING THEM

TO THE DINNER?

I'M SURE I CAN GET THEM TICKETS.

I NEED YOU AT A PHOTO SHOOT IN ABOUT AN HOUR, BUT...

I JUST NEED TO MAKE A FEW CALLS.

UH, WE'LL BE FINE.

YEAH, WE DON'T WANT TO CRAMP DANA'S STYLE.

OH, OKAY.

SO... GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PROTECT YOU

FROM SOME OF THE STAFF.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH.

I AM HERE TO ACT AS A BUFFER

BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FANS, OKAY?

THAT IS PART MY JOB.

OKAY.

NOW, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE KEY TO YOUR ROOM...

THANKS.

AND HERE'S MY CARD.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU MY CELLPHONE NUMBER,

AND I WANT YOU TO USE IT IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A SECOND OPINION

ON WHAT PAIR OF SHOES TO WEAR.

YOU JUST CALL ME, OKAY?

OKAY.

AND I'LL SEE YOU IN AN HOUR.

OKAY. OKAY.

BYE, LADIES.

BYE.

BYE-BYE.

WOW.

DOES THAT THING

COME WITH BATTERIES, DANA?

HUH?

OH, MY GOD.

I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY WOMEN IN ONE PLACE

IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

AND EVERY ONE OF THEM'S GREASED UP

AND READY TO GO.

WE SHOULD GO DOWN THERE, YOU GUYS.

[♪♪♪]

GUYS? GUYS.

IS THIS SUIT TOO CONSERVATIVE?

I BROUGHT A DRESS.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

THE SUIT'S GREAT.

THANKS.

[KNOCKING]

HI. IS DANA HERE?

UH-HUH. YEAH.

EXCELLENT. WOW. YOU LOOK PHENOMENAL.

BUT I BET YOU WOULD IN ANYTHING THAT YOU WORE.

HERE'S SOME PASSES

TO SOME OF THE EVENTS

AND A CHANCE TO WIN AN OLIVIA CRUISE.

THANKS, TONYA.

SO ARE YOU READY TO GO?

UH-HUH. EXCELLENT.

WELL, I'VE GOT MY WORK CUT OUT FOR ME

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE ALL OVER YOU TONIGHT.

BYE, GIRLS.

OH, YEAH.

HAVE FUN. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU AGAIN.

BYE. THANK YOU.

LET ME SEE THOSE.

OH.

I HAVE YOUR ESTIMATE FOR YOU.

OKAY, UM, THIS IS $50 MORE THAN THE HIGHEST BIDDER.

MAY I?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS?

THERE ARE THREE SIDES TO THE TRIANGLE, SEE?

FAST. GOOD. CHEAP.

YEAH.

YOU CAN HAVE ANY TWO OF THE THREE

IN COMBINATION,

BUT YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ALL THREE TOGETHER.

OF COURSE YOU CAN.

I MEAN, IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY...

OH, RIGHT, THEN IT WOULDN'T BE CHEAP.

OKAY.

YOU CAN HAVE FAST AND GOOD,

BUT THAT TAKES A BIG CREW OF SKILLED, HIGHLY PAID WORKERS.

AND I CAN HAVE FAST AND CHEAP,

BUT THEN THE END PRODUCT WOULD PROBABLY LOOK LIKE SHIT.

YOU CAN HAVE CHEAP AND GOOD...

THAT'S THE ONE I WANT.

BUT YOU'LL PROBABLY

BE BUMPING UP AGAINST THAT CARPENTER

FOR THE BETTER PART OF A YEAR.

UM, OH, OKAY.

ARE YOU HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER?

BECAUSE I LOVE THAT CUBAN PLACE

UP THE STREET FROM HERE.

I COULD PICK US UP SOME TAKE-OUT, IF YOU WANT.

I'LL DRAW YOU SOME ROUGH SKETCHES

OF WHAT I'M THINKING

WHILE WE EAT.

OKAY.

GOOD. I'LL PUT THE ORDER IN.

YOU LOOK AT THAT WHILE I'M GONE.

WOW, ALICE. WHO KNEW?

I'M THINKING NOT DINAH SHORE.

CAN I HAVE ONE?

OH, WAIT. AL...

WHAT?

WHAT ABOUT YOU, JENNY?

UM, MAYBE IF I HAVE

A FEW MORE OF THESE SHOTS.

OH, WAIT. HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

PRESENT FOR BETTE?

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

WHAT, SHOULD I CALL HER

AND ASK HER IF I SHOULD WEAR ONE OF THESE T-SHIRTS

WHILE I'M HERE?

MAKE IT A SURPRISE.

WE JUST FOUGHT ALL THE TIME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW YOLANDA IS.

MM-HMM.

SHE ISN'T HAPPY

UNLESS SHE'S RANTING ABOUT SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, SHE CAN'T ABIDE YOU IF YOU DISAGREE WITH HER,

SHE WON'T RESPECT YOU

IF YOU DON'T CHALLENGE HER.

THAT IS SO TRUE.

SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THERAPY.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.

HEY.

[TINA]: HI.

OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS INSANE.

I WISH YOU COULD SEE IT.

IT'S TOTALLY CRAZY.

SAY HI TO THE GIRLS.

[GIRLS]: HEY, BETTE.

HI, BETTE.

SEE?

EVERYBODY MISSES YOU.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN, BABY.

YOU DESERVE IT.

I'M JUST HERE HAVING SOME FOOD WITH CANDACE.

SHE'S STILL TAKING SOME MEASUREMENTS.

WHAT, BABE? IT'S SO LOUD HERE.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

ARE YOU STILL AT WORK?

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET SOME REST

BEFORE THE ARTISTS GET THERE.

YEAH, I'LL TRY. TINA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

WHAT, BABE?

HELLO?

OH, BABE, IT'S BREAKING UP.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

LOOK, I'M GOING TO CALL YOU BACK LATER.

BYE.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

I HEARD SOME OF THE ARTWORK

WAS BEING HELD UP AT CUSTOMS.

NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.

IT WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.

OH.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD ONE.

WHY WOULD YOU?

WELL, AT LEAST I CAN HAVE A DRINK NOW.

CHEERS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. LOOK, RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL A HUNDRED-FOOTER.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT MEANS YOU CAN TELL SHE'S A LESBIAN

FROM A HUNDRED FEET AWAY.

IS IT HER HAIR?

IS IT HER JOGBRA?

I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN TELL SHE'S A LESBO FROM ACROSS THE FOOTBALL FIELD.

YOU GUYS?

WHAT AM I?

NO. YOU'RE IN TRANSITION.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

NO, COME ON.

NO, YOU NEED, LIKE, A GUY OR A GIRL WITH YOU

TO TIP YOU ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

IT'S NOT, IT'S... RIGHT?

YEP. MM-HMM.

FUCK.

WELL, I GUESS I'D BETTER GET BACK TO WORK

SO I CAN GET BACK TO BED SOMETIME TONIGHT.

I HAVE A PHONE MEETING

AT 7:00 A.M. WITH NEW YORK.

OH. I MISS IT.

I'M FROM BROOKLYN.

I GREW UP THERE.

OLD-SCHOOL BROOKLYN.

YOU KNOW, BEFORE IT WAS FASHIONABLE.

NORTH PHILLY,

BEFORE IT WAS A WAR ZONE.

RIGHT.

THIS IS TOTALLY A WHITE PARTY, YOU GUYS.

I'M GOING TO GO HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

BYE.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

ONE, TWO, THREE...

OH, FUCK.

GOOD GIRL.

OKAY, SO THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

[JENNY]: SO I GO OVER TO HER HOUSE,

LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT,

AND I'M STANDING THERE,

AND I'M WATCHING HER WITH HER REAL GIRLFRIEND,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT,

AND THEY'RE WATCHING ME

LIKE I'M THIS LITTLE SORT OF AMUSEMENT,

SORT OF LIKE THIS LITTLE PLAYTHING.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH,

MY BOY... NO, I'M SORRY, MY HUSBAND...

MY... MY LIFE... MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY RUINED.

YOU KNOW, SHE MANAGED

TO FUCKING DESTROY MY RELATIONSHIP

WHILE LEAVING HERS COMPLETELY INTACT.

WAIT, SO THIS IS THE FIRST WOMAN YOU WERE EVER WITH?

OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS MY COMING-OUT STORY.

LADIES, I AM TELLING ALL OF YOU GUYS

MY COMING-OUT STORY.

TELL IT! TELL IT!

TELL IT! TELL IT!

TELL IT! TELL IT!

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY, I GO TO A PARTY AT MY NEIGHBORS',

BETTE AND TINA'S HOUSE.

BETTE AND TINA!

YES. OKAY.

I'M AT THE PARTY, AND THERE SHE IS.

I SEE MARINA.

SHE WAS POSSIBLY

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I'D EVER SEEN...

LATER ON THAT NIGHT,

SHE FOLLOWED ME INTO THE BATHROOM.

AND THEN SHE DOES IT... THE THING.

"AM I CRAZY? AM I DRUNK?

AM I HALLUCINATING?"

AND I WAS THINKING

"AM I CRAZY?

"AM I DRUNK?

AM I HALLUCINATING?"

AND THEN SHE DOES IT...

THE THING THAT WOULD GO ON TO CONFUSE ME

AND FUCK WITH ALL THINGS STABLE IN MY LIFE...

THEN I'M WALKING OUT THE DOOR AND I'M THINKING, "OH, MY GOD,

"I HAVE JUST HAD THE BEST FUCKING SEX

IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE, MAN!"

NO, NO, NO, YOU GUYS, GUYS, I'M SERIOUS.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST SEX

THAT ANYBODY CAN HAVE ON THE FUCKING PLANET EARTH,

AND THEN SHE DOES IT.

SHE DOES THIS FUCKING THING. COME HERE.

NO, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU.

OKAY, WAIT. I'VE GOT TO BE HER.

OKAY.

JENNY...

I HOPE THIS DOESN'T MAKE IT WORSE...

BUT I THINK I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

OH!

SO CHEESY!

THAT'S FUCKED.

FUCK HER.

NOTICE, IT'S NOT "I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU",

IT'S "I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU."

SHE SAID, "I THINK

I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU."

THAT'S EVEN WORSE.

YOU DON'T HEAR THE "I THINK I COULD" PART,

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.

IT'S A TRICK, IT'S A FUCKING LOOPHOLE.

SHE WRECKED MY FUCKING LIFE WITH SUPPOSITION.

HERE.

WHAT?

GO AHEAD. CALL HER UP.

TELL HER WHAT A FUCKING FUCKER SHE IS.

YOU NEED TO SAY IT.

GO ON. DO IT.

IT'LL CLEANSE YOU.

YOU THINK I SHOULD CALL HER UP?

YES.

CALL HER! CALL HER!

CALL HER! CALL HER! CALL HER!

I'M GOING TO CALL HER UP.

I'M GOING TO TELL HER WHAT A FUCKING FUCKER SHE IS

FOR FUCKING WITH MY LIFE...

FOR LEAVING HER LIFE EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS.

I'M GOING TO SET THAT FUCKING BITCH...

YES, YOU GO GIRL!

STRAIGHT.

DO IT!

SHE'LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU TELL HER.

SHH. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

OKAY, IT'S RINGING.

OH, MY GOSH. IT'S HER.

I GOT YOU.

HI!

IS THOMAS THERE?

OH, THIS ISN'T TOM'S HOUSE?

HELLO?

BITCH HUNG UP ON ME. PERFECT.

I'LL TAKE THAT.

THAT WAS VERY NICE OF YOU.

WELL...

THAT WAS VERY KIND.

IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU WERE SO AMAZING IN THERE.

YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THAT STORY ABOUT YOUR MOTHER...

HI! HI. HOW ARE YOU?

TRULY WAS HYSTERICAL, OKAY?

HI! HI.

AND YOUR SUBARU COMING-OUT STORY?

OH, MY GOD.

IT BROKE MY HEART.

IT DID?

TELL ME, DID YOU AND LAR...

WERE YOU ABLE TO WORK IT OUT?

HOW ARE YOU? HI.

NO, I TOTALLY BLEW...

DANA! DANA!

I KNOW I'M BEING A TOTAL GEEK RIGHT NOW,

BUT WOULD YOU SIGN MY UNDERWEAR FOR ME?

MISS FAIRBANKS HAS AN APPOINTMENT, OKAY?

PLEASE? EXCUSE ME.

I... I... I...

UNBELIEVABLE.

HI.

WE HAVE THIS BET ON OVER HERE

AND, UH, DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

NO.

OH, MY GOD.

NOW, WE NEED TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE

BECAUSE YOUR FANS ARE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

[♪♪♪]

IT IS FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.

I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE WORKING WITH SOMEONE ELSE,

IT'S ALL ABOUT TRUST.

YOU'RE LIKE, "IS THIS PERSON MAD AT ME TODAY?"

"DID I GIVE THEM A REASON TO NOT TO CATCH ME RIGHT NOW?"

IF I WERE A TRAPEZE ARTIST,

I DON'T THINK THAT ANYBODY

WOULD CATCH ME.

I THINK THAT I WOULD PROBABLY NEED,

LIKE, THIS MASSIVE NET OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S, LIKE, THE THIRD TIME

YOU'VE REFERRED YOURSELF AS WORTHLESS?

I MEAN, IS THIS YOUR BIG LEAVING LAS VEGAS MOMENT?

YOU COME TO DINAH SHORE

TO GET ALCOHOL POISONING AND DIE?

NO. I'M NOT... I'M NOT SUICIDAL.

I'VE JUST FUCKED UP MY LIFE JUST A LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW?

SO CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

WHAT?

WORKING ON THE TRAPEZE IS LIKE FUCKING UP.

I MEAN, YOU'RE UP THERE,

50 FEET ABOVE THE GROUND, YOU KNOW,

AND YOU DELIBERATELY LET GO OF THE ONLY SECURITY YOU HAVE

TO GO FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.

IN THAT MOMENT, EVERYTHING'S LOST.

YOU COULD LIVE OR YOU COULD DIE,

BUT YOU'VE TAKEN THAT RISK,

AND GRABBING THAT BAR AGAIN IS LIKE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE.

SO YOU GRAB IT, AND YOU FUCKING SWING ON IT,

AND YOU DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, JENNY, YOU KNOW?

THANKS. NO, I REALLY...

NO PROBLEM.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

THERE ARE PROBABLY TONS OF PEOPLE IN MY ROOM...

DANA, I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

YEAH?

I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

OH. OKAY.

UM... HI.

MAGNIFICENT.

[TV PLAYING]

[WOMAN]: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, DARLING,

MORE THAN YOU SEEM ABLE TO UNDERSTAND.

OH...

I NEVER REALLY KNEW HAPPINESS

UNTIL I LOVED YOU.

SOMETIMES, WHEN I USED TO BE AFRAID...

HI.

HEY.

HEY.

I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN SO MUCH DEBAUCHERY

IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I HAD SO MUCH TEQUILA...

I HAVE NO IDEA

WHY I'M STILL STANDING RIGHT NOW,

AND THEN I HAD TO, LIKE,

STEP OVER ALL THESE... ALL THESE...

WOMEN-BODIES

IN ORDER TO GET TO THIS ROOM, WHICH WAS SORT OF CRAZY,

YOU KNOW.

WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE LADY?

ANYTHING?

I HAVE A DATE ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN L.A.

WOW. WOW.

HEY.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD JOB.

OOH, IT'S ON VIBRATE.

I LIKE IT.

OH, HERE, LET ME... I'LL JUST...

SORRY... GET THIS.

HELLO?

YEAH. OOH, SORRY.

HI, AL, YEAH.

DO YOU LIKE THAT?

NO, IT'S, YEAH...

AT THE HOTEL. MM-HMM.

PEOPLE.

YEAH. SOON. I'VE GOT TO GO.

GOT TO GO. BYE.

YOU GUYS, DANA'S HOOKING UP.

OH, MY GOD.

HO...

OH, NO.

IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD HOSPITALITY CHICK,

IS IT?

OKAY, CALL ME A HIPPIE,

BUT THAT GIRL HAS BAD FUCKING VIBES.

I MEAN, AND, DANA'S JUDGEMENT SUCKS,

RIGHT? EXCEPT FOR LARA.

OH, LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

OKAY.

WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO MEET THE RIGHT PERSON?

YOU KNOW?

ALL OF YOUR STORIES ARE ABOUT CONFUSION

AND UNFULFILLED DESIRE

AND DISAPPOINTMENT, RIGHT?

YEAH, BUT THAT PRETTY MUCH HAPPENS

TO EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

BUT I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BUST OUT YOUR STORY.

NO...

YEAH, GIVE THESE WOMEN SOME HOPE.

SIT DOWN. SIT.

THANK YOU.

SPEAK.

OKAY.

WELL, I WAS DATING THIS ENTERTAINMENT LAWYER...

ERIC.

WHAT?

I WAS THERE.

ALL RIGHT, IT WAS RIGHT AFTER

ME AND BETTE STOPPED DATING,

AND WE WERE IN THAT "BEST FRIEND" STAGE,

AND ERIC WAS PRETTY HOT, I HAVE TO SAY.

HE'S A BIG ART COLLECTOR,

AND ONE NIGHT HE TOOK ME TO THIS ART OPENING

AT THE BETTE PORTER GALLERY.

I HELPED HER FIND THAT SPACE, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW.

ANYWAY, SHE HAD THIS AMAZING REPUTATION

FOR PICKING ALL THE GREAT ARTISTS,

AND SHE WAS SMART, AND TOUGH.

EXCUSE ME, BETTE.

AND UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND,

TINA KENNARD.

SHE HEADS UP DEVELOPMENT

AT ALPHAVILLE.

TINA, BETTE PORTER.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

HEY. NICE TO MEET YOU.

BETTE, WE WERE WONDERING.

HOW WOULD CATHERINE OPIE FEEL

ABOUT US BLOWING UP

THAT PRINT THERE

TO ABOUT FIVE-BY-SIX FEET?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER YOURSELF?

SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

I THINK I'LL JUST STAY HERE.

OKAY. EXCELLENT.

AND SO THEN ERIC AND I GOT INVITED

TO ONE OF HER ARTIST DINNERS,

AND HER ARTIST DINNERS WERE REALLY, REALLY FAMOUS.

THERE WERE

ALL THESE PEOPLE THERE FROM PARIS AND NEW YORK...

SOME CELEBRATED INTELLECTUAL, YOU KNOW,

SOME BIG-SHOT CRITIC.

IT WAS, UH, INTIMIDATING,

BUT SHE WAS SO WARM AND GRACIOUS.

ARE YOU COMING TO SIT DOWN?

YEAH. YEAH...

I JUST REALLY LIKE THIS ONE.

AND THEN, UM,

AND THEN THE EARRING THING HAPPENED.

OH.

YOU'VE LOST YOUR EARRING IN YOUR HAIR.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M REALLY, REALLY EXCITED

TO GET STARTED.

NO, THANK YOU.

IT'S A DREAM PROJECT, EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

[JENNY]: TINA, I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT BETTE WAS YOUR FIRST GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH.

FIRST, LAST, AND FOREVER.

AREN'T YOU KIND OF CURIOUS, THOUGH,

TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

YEAH, DEFINITELY.

I THINK, "GOD, AM I GOING TO GO TO MY GRAVE

AND BETTE WILL BE THE ONLY WOMAN I'VE EVER SLEPT WITH?"

BUT THEN I LOOK AT HER

AND I THINK,

"WHAT MORE COULD I WANT?"

WELL, TELL THEM THE REST.

OKAY, SO THEN, THAT NIGHT,

I GO HOME,

AND I REALIZE

I LEFT THE EARRING AT HER GALLERY,

EVEN THOUGH I COULD HAVE SWORN THAT I PUT IT BACK ON MY EAR.

CALL IT FATE.

OR CALL IT

THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

I COULD HAVE SWORN

I WATCHED YOU PUT THIS BACK ON.

I FORGOT SOMETHING.

YEAH. YOU DID.

I FORGOT...

THAT I WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT

IF I DON'T TELL YOU

THAT ALL I'VE WANTED TO DO ALL DAY LONG

IS KISS YOU.

PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO.

I SHOULD GO, SHOULDN'T I?

YEAH, YOU SHOULD.

[SOBBING]

[CELLPHONE DIALING]

HELLO?

HEY, YOU.

YEAH. I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW.

YEAH.

OKAY, THAT SOUNDS NICE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE HOT.

THANK YOU.

SHE'S SO CUTE.

NO, IT'S OKAY. GO.

OKAY. OKAY. CHERIE...

NO, NOTHING, NOTHING.

NOTHING. I'M OKAY.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY. BYE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I'M ABOUT TO GO DOWN ON DANA FAIRBANKS.

OH...

OH, GOD.

I SLEPT IN MY CLOTHES.

[DOOR UNLOCKING]

TELL ME EVERYTHING! TELL ME EVERYTHING!

TELL ME EVERYTHING. WHERE WERE YOU?

[PHONE RINGING]

HI, BABY.

[TINA]: THERE YOU ARE.

OH, YOU SOUND EXHAUSTED.

DID YOU WORK LATE LAST NIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH, I DID.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE...

'CAUSE DANA JUST CRAWLED IN THIS MORNING.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

SO WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?

I'LL TRY TO GET THE GIRLS ON THE ROAD,

BUT I DON'T THINK

WE'RE REALLY GOING TO MAKE IT

UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON

BECAUSE DANA HAS SOME AUTOGRAPH THING.

OKAY. MISS YOU.

BYE.

DANA!

WHERE'S DANA?

SAYING GOODBYE TO HER FANS.

SHIT.

WHAT?

SHE IS NOT...

SHE'S NOT!

HEY, GUYS!

HEY.

YOU REMEMBER TONYA, RIGHT?

UH-HUH.

SHE'S COMING WITH US. I'LL GET YOUR BAG.

LET'S GO.

[TONYA]: OH, MY GOD! ME TOO!

I AM TOTALLY A MORNING PERSON.

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND USED TO THINK

I WAS COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC

BECAUSE I'D GET UP SO EARLY, BUT WHATEVER.

I SAY, CARPE DIEM, RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU MUST

HAVE TO GET UP SO EARLY TO TRAIN, HUH?

I DO.

I BET YOU DO.

NOW, BROTHERS OR SISTERS?

I HAVE A BROTHER, HOWIE, 16.

HE'S A TOTAL PAIN IN MY ASS.

I'LL BET HE'S CUTE, THOUGH.

HE'D HAVE TO BE. HE'S FROM YOUR FAMILY, RIGHT?

AW, SHUT UP.

OKAY, CAT OR DOG PERSON?

PLEASE SAY DOG, BECAUSE I HATE CATS.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT VERY LESBIAN OF ME

AND STUFF,

BUT I THINK

THEY'RE SO COLD AND UNFEELING.

WELL, I GUESS SOME OF THEM CAN BE, YEAH,

BUT SOME OF THEM ARE ALMOST HUMAN.

YOU THINK?

WELL, MINE IS.

I REALLY LOVE MR. PIDDLES.

MR. PIDDLES?

YEAH. HE'S DANA'S CAT.

WELL, I THINK THAT'S GREAT,

AND I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, YOU KNOW?

THESE KIND OF DECISIONS

HAVE TO BE MADE ON A CAT-BY-CAT BASIS.

RIGHT.

I CANNOT WAIT TO MEET MR. PIDDLES.

SEE? OKAY, I KNEW YOU'D GET IT.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE?

I WOULD LOVE TO.

OKAY.

YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR CAT?

THAT'S SO CUTE.

MR. PIDDLES.

SENOR PIDDLES, INTERNATIONAL CAT OF MYSTERY.

MY MYSTERIOUS ONE-MAN SHOW.

HE'S MY SPECIAL FURRY MAN.

SEE?

[KISSING]

MEOW.

BYE! BYE!

BYE.

WE'LL SEE YOU, GUYS.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT WHAT?

YOU GUYS, DON'T TELL ME

YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S TROUBLE.

WELL, YEAH, THE CAT THING

WAS A BIT MUCH.

YEAH, AND THAT STORY

ABOUT MEETING ANNE HECHE

IN THE RESTAURANT?

I MEAN, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

AND YOU GUYS,

I GAVE HER 50 BUCKS FOR THE GAS...

AND I WATCHED THE METER, NOT TO BE CRAZY,

BUT IT WAS $32.50, AND SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME

ANY FUCKING CHANGE. WHAT?

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I NEED MORE EVIDENCE OR SOMETHING...

AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?

"DANA, YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S A GRIFTER?"

I MEAN, SHE'S HAPPY.

I CAN'T.

HEY.

I JUST THOUGHT

I'D LET YOU KNOW I'M OUT HERE WORKING.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T WHAT, BABE?

HEY.

UM, I... I'M... I JUST WAS THINKING

THAT I'M NOT SURE

THAT I CAN GET THE SHOW READY IN THREE WEEKS.

YOU CAN DO IT.

THAT PARTY WAS SO CRAZY.

GOD, IT JUST MADE ME WANT TO GO HOME

AND CURL UP IN BED WITH YOU.