Original subtitles

WHERE YOU GOING?

UM, I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

SO...

ARE YOU COMING BACK?

MM-HMM. YEAH. YEAH.

HURRY BACK, LOVER.

WHAT A LEZ.

BABE, I THOUGHT

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GONE.

NO, I HAVE FIVE MINUTES.

WELL, DO YOU MIND MOVING YOUR CAR?

BECAUSE THE GUYS ARE HERE

WITH THE TANK

AND THEY CAN'T GET THROUGH.

WHAT TANK?

IT'S OKAY. SHE'S...

SHE'S GOING TO MOVE IT IN A MINUTE.

ARE YOU GOING TO MOVE IT OR WHAT?

IS THAT ONE OF THOSE BIRTHING TANKS?

YEAH.

WELL, SINCE WHEN DID WE AGREE TO HAVE THE BABY IN WATER?

SINCE I DECIDED TO GIVE BIRTH THAT WAY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU WITH IT.

IT'S SIX MONTHS AWAY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE BUYING THIS NOW.

BECAUSE I GOT A GOOD DEAL ON IT.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TO RENT IT.

AND WHAT IS DR. WILSON SAYING ABOUT THIS?

SHE THINKS IT'S GREAT.

SO YOU TALKED TO HER ABOUT IT

BUT NOT TO ME?

BABY, PLEASE, MOVE YOUR CAR.

YO, WHAT'S UP?

HI, SLIM DADDY.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

PRETTY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY WANTED TO THANK YOU

FOR GIVING ME A RIDE TO THE STUDIO.

SHIT.

WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO RIDE

WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LIKE YOU?

UH, MS. PORTER,

DO YOU WANT A SMOOTHIE?

UH, YEAH.

WHAT'S IN THEM?

FRUIT.

TELL HER WHAT KIND WE GOT.

WE GOT STRAWBERRY,

ORANGE,

SOME BERRY TYPE THING

AND, UH...

PEANUT BUTTER.

YOU KNOW,

JUST IN CASE.

I WILL TAKE THE STRAWBERRY.

YOU LIKE THAT?

YEAH, IT'S GOOD,

BUT I THINK I'D LIKE IT BETTER IF I COULD DRINK IT MYSELF.

YOU'RE DRINKING THE PEANUT BUTTER ONE.

MR. PIDDLES?

THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

YOU REMEMBER LARA?

YOU REMEMBER HOW...

HOW SHE USED TO COME OVER ALL THE TIME AND...

STAY OVER SOMETIMES AND...

WE'D MOVE AROUND A LOT AND...

TOGETHER.

MR. PIDDLES, LARA'S GAY.

SO AM I.

YOU STILL LOVE ME?

OH, YOU'RE THE BEST CAT IN THE WORLD, MR. P.

SHH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HAVE COME TO GET YOU OUT OF BED.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

COME ON.

OH, SH... SORRY,

MR. PIDDLES.

OKAY, COME ON.

I DON'T WANT TO GO.

SOME OF US HAVE IT WORSE, DANA, YOU KNOW?

SOME OF US ARE DATING LESBIAN MEN, OKAY?

COME ON.

LOOK AT HER FACE.

SHE'S SEARCHING FOR A FEELING.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S LONGING FOR FAITH.

SHE'D DO ANYTHING TO GET IT.

TO FEEL IT.

I LOVE THIS WORK.

IT IS REALLY COOL.

CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, BETTE PORTER.

I'M BETTE PORTER.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

THERE'S NO CARD.

WHO ARE THESE FROM?

UH...

IT DOESN'T SAY.

TINA?

NO, TINA'S INTO PRACTICAL GIFT GIVING.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ART?

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE.

THEN I GUESS HUSTLER AND PENTHOUSE

HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT

SOME PRETTY GOOD ART, TOO.

CAN YOU MAKE SURE HE LEAVES THE BUILDING?

YEAH.

WHAT IS GOING TO CHEER YOU UP?

HELLO?

OH, HELLO. YEAH.

I WAS WONDERING

IF YOUR REFRIGERATOR WAS RUNNING.

OH, IT IS? OKAY.

GO, GO. THEY SAID YEAH.

COME ON, DO IT.

WELL, THEN, YOU'D BETTER CATCH IT.

MOM?

YOU HAVE GOT TO TALK TO THIS WOMAN,

AND I MEAN IT.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S COMING AROUND...

OKAY, IT'S HER. LET'S GO.

NO!

HELLO?

YES. OKAY.

NO, IT WASN'T FUNNY.

YEAH, SHE IS.

SHE WANTS TO TALK.

HELLO?

YEAH.

YEAH, I KNOW.

BUT MOM, I'M NOT.

I...

OKAY.

FINE.

FINE.

FINE. OKAY.

BYE.

WELL?

IT'S LIKE I CAME OUT TO A PIECE OF WOOD.

I MEAN, SHE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION IT.

THAT'S GOOD.

SHE'S ACCEPTING IT THROUGH DENIAL.

SHE'S SETTING ME UP ON A BLIND DATE

WITH HER FRIEND MILDRED'S SON.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT SHOCK THERAPY.

I MEAN...

WHAT?

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HELLO.

I'M GETTING COFFEE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

CHERIE JAFFE IS YOUR 6:00

AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO WAIT FOR YOU.

BE NICE.

HI.

HI.

UM, I'M LOOKING FOR A SHANE McCUTCHEON.

I'M SHANE.

OKAY, UM, THESE ARE MRS. JAFFE'S RECORDS...

TREATMENTS HER HAIR HAS UNDERGONE

IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS,

A LIST OF PREFERRED PRODUCTS TO BE USED ON HER HAIR,

AND ONES THAT YOU MUST UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE USE.

IF YOU'VE READ AND UNDERSTAND ALL THE INFORMATION,

YOU CAN JUST SIGN RIGHT HERE.

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

OKAY.

THAT'S SHANE.

SORRY, WHAT?

THAT'S SHANE.

GREAT.

HI.

HELLO.

AND FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.

TURN, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

AND FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, AND EIGHT.

ONE, TWO,

THREE, FOUR,

AND HIT, WALK, FIVE, SIX,

SEVEN, EIGHT.

OKAY, LET'S TRY IT ONE MORE TIME.

LET'S GET BACK IN FORMATION.

YOU A FAN,

OR ARE YOU JUST WATCHING?

OH...

I'M WAITING FOR MY SISTER,

KIT PORTER.

YOU KIT'S SISTER?

HER HALF-SISTER.

THE BEAUTIFUL HALF, I'M SUPPOSING.

MORE LIKE THE GAY HALF.

IS THAT SO?

MM, THAT'S SEXY.

VERY SEXY.

HEY, MAN, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH Y'ALL PEOPLE?

WE TORTURING Y'ALL OR SOMETHING?

'CAUSE I GOT A GANG OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE

THAT'D LOVE TO BE IN THIS POSITION

THAT Y'ALL ARE IN.

I NEED TO FIX YOUR FACES UP IN HERE.

THERE YOU GO, MY GIRL.

YOU HAVING FUN YET, BABY?

YEAH, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT.

THESE PEOPLE

ARE TRYING TO KILL ME.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T DANCE

UNLESS I DRINK.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE.

JUST LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW, ME AND YOUR SISTER,

WE HAD A LITTLE TALK.

SHE'S A VERY INTERESTING LADY.

DID SHE TELL YOU

THAT SHE WAS INTO WOMEN?

YEAH.

THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

WE HAVE IN COMMON.

MATTER OF FACT,

WHERE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS AT RIGHT NOW?

WE DON'T USUALLY TRAVEL IN PACKS.

IT'D BE NICE

IF YOU HAD THEM COME BY HERE

TOMORROW, YOU KNOW?

BRING SOME EXCITEMENT TO THIS HERE VIDEO.

WAIT A MINUTE, FOR ME OR YOU?

SHIT, I FIGURE WE CAN SHARE.

HE CERTAINLY LIVES UP TO HIS REPUTATION.

WHICH ONE?

HE'S SUCH A FLIRT.

HE'S A PLAYER,

AND I'M TELLING YOU,

HE FLIRTS WITH EVERYBODY.

BELIEVE ME, I DIDN'T THINK

IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS SPECIAL OR ANYTHING.

AW, YOU ARE SPECIAL.

YOU'RE MY SISTER.

AND ALSO, WILL YOU CALL GWYNNIE

AND GET THREE TICKETS TO COLDPLAY

FOR CLEA?

BUT DON'T TELL HER, ALL RIGHT?

I WANT TO SEE IF SHE KEEPS THIS JOB.

I'M NOT ABOUT TO REWARD HER IF SHE QUITS.

OKAY.

I THINK THAT'S IT.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO NEIMAN'S AND PICK UP MY MANOLOS?

I THINK LONNIE'S HOLDING THEM FOR ME.

NEIMAN'S?

YES, NEIMAN'S.

OKAY.

BYE.

BYE.

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

I WANT SO MANY THINGS,

BUT IN TERMS OF WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR ME,

I WANT A CHANGE.

I WANT SOMETHING NEW.

EXCELLENT.

OKAY.

YEAH.

I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

JUST TAKE THIS OFF.

THERE'S SOME SMOCKS IN THE BACK.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

YES.

IT'S PROSECCO.

IN NORTHERN ITALY, THEY SERVE IT ON TAP.

THANKS.

IT'S LOVELY, ISN'T IT?

MM-HMM.

I LIKE TO START WITH SOMETHING BUBBLY,

BUT I FIND CHAMPAGNE

CAN BE TOO FULL OF EXPECTATION.

I LIKE TO KEEP THINGS SIMPLE.

SO HOW DID YOU MEET HARRY?

THROUGH A FRIEND.

I HAVE TO SAY,

WHEN HE TOLD ME I SHOULD COME SEE YOU,

I THOUGHT HE WAS FULL OF SHIT,

AS USUAL,

BUT THEN ELLIE ZIMMER

WALKED INTO THE LACMA BENEFIT

TWO WEEKS AGO

AND I ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HER.

I MEAN, THAT WOMAN HAS NOT LOOKED GOOD

IN 12 YEARS,

BUT THERE SHE WAS, LOOKING STUNNING.

YOU DID AN AMAZING JOB.

THANK YOU.

SO HOW DID YOU GET HARRY TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

WELL, I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM.

THE GIFT OF THE MAGI

IS ONE OF THE MOST PERFECT STORIES

THAT'S EVER BEEN WRITTEN.

TALK ABOUT ECONOMY OF LANGUAGE.

IF IT'S A SUCCESS,

IT'LL TRAVEL TO NEW YORK,

THEN L.A.,

AND IT SHOULD, BECAUSE THERE ARE

EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE INVOLVED.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO YOURSELF?

AND A FEW OTHERS.

SUCH AS THE PRIMA BALLERINA?

SHE WAS PRETTY TERRIFIC.

FRANCESCA WAS A BIG FAN

OF THE PRIMA BALLERINA.

I HAD SEX WITH HER,

AND NOW MARINA'S

PRETENDING TO BE JEALOUS.

IT'S JUST THE WAY IT HAPPENED.

THERE'S THIS WOMAN,

SHE'S GETTING HER COSTUME FITTING,

AND FRANCESCA

PROCEEDED TO SEDUCE HER,

WHICH I THINK IS A BIT UNETHICAL.

YOU DO?

DO YOU FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE?

YEAH.

"ETHICAL" ISN'T REALLY

THE FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO MIND

WHEN I THINK OF MARINA.

YOU SOUND ANGRY.

NO.

WELL, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

AND THAT COMPENSATES

FOR A MULTITUDE OF SINS,

DOESN'T IT?

COME ON.

IT'S A COMPLIMENT TO BE THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, JENNY?

YES.

HARRY? YOU ASSHOLE.

I'M CALLING YOU TO SAY THANK YOU

FOR BEGGING ME TO GO TO SHANE.

SAY, "HELLO, HARRY."

HELLO, HARRY.

NO, IT'S AMAZING.

SHE'S A GENIUS.

YEAH, FIRST OF ALL,

FOR GIVING ME A GREAT HAIR CUT,

AND SECOND OF ALL

FOR NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU,

SO CALL ME WHEN YOU GET OUT OF YOUR K HOLE, OKAY?

THANK YOU, MRS. JAFFE.

GIVE THAT TO SHANE?

SURE.

I LOVE MY HAIR.

GORGEOUS.

AFTER YOU.

SEE YOU AGAIN.

SHANE...

WHAT?

MRS. JAFFE LEFT THIS FOR YOU.

COOL.

200 BUCKS. NICE WORK.

DON'T FORGET TO SWEEP UP.

DON'T DO THAT.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT'S BEEN

TO GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND.

WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING

LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WITH FEELINGS.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ACT SO COLD.

IF YOU'RE SO ANGRY,

WHY DID YOU ACCEPT THIS INVITATION?

BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW

WHY SOMEONE WOULD WORK SO HARD

TO MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM,

WHEN THEY REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

"WORK SO HARD." GREAT.

THAT'S A GREAT ASSESSMENT ON WHO I AM.

WELL, YOU TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.

YOU KEEP ASKING ME THAT.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S SO SAD

IS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.

THAT'S...

I THOUGHT IT WAS

A LITTLE QUIET DOWN HERE.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

IS IT?

THE THING ABOUT MARINA

IS WHEN SHE FOCUSES ON YOU,

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

THAT EXISTS.

IT'S HER GIFT.

I DON'T BLAME YOU

FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER,

BUT MAYBE YOU USE YOUR GIFT A LITTLE TOO FREELY.

WHAT'S THIS?

THAT'S THE WINE JENNY BROUGHT.

I GUESS I'LL OPEN THIS, THEN.

TELL ME ABOUT THE STORY YOU'VE BEEN WRITING.

THE ONE ABOUT THE DEMONS.

MARINA SAYS

IT'S REALLY QUITE GOOD.

IS IT FINISHED?

SO THIS IS WHAT THE TWO OF YOU DO?

YOU GO AND YOU MAKE THESE LITTLE CONQUESTS,

AND THEN YOU GO HOME AND YOU COMPARE NOTES?

YOU TRY TO MAKE EACH OTHER JEALOUS

IN ORDER TO FIND THE OTHER DESIRABLE?

I WOULDN'T BE SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS.

YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER.

CLASSY.

I'M SORRY THE EVENING TURNED OUT LIKE THIS,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

WHEN I GO AWAY,

MARINA CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS,

AS CAN I,

BUT WHEN I COME BACK,

I WANT MY HOME THE WAY I'VE LEFT IT.

I HOPE THAT ISN'T TOO MUCH TO ASK.

THANK YOU.

HI.

HI.

JEN.

MM-HMM?

FEEL LIKE WATCHING A REALLY BAD KUNG FU MOVIE?

YEAH.

IT'S PRETTY STUPID,

BUT IT'S KIND OF WHAT I'M IN THE MOOD FOR.

NO, STUPID IS GOOD.

COME HERE.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

ARE YOU MAD

THAT I MADE A DECISION?

NO.

I JUST...

I JUST FEEL A LITTLE LEFT OUT.

I, UH...

GET THIS FEELING FROM YOU

THAT YOU'RE SO PROUD TO BE WITH ME,

AND IT MAKES ME FEEL

REALLY SAFE AND LOVED.

IT'S GREAT...

BUT LATELY,

I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING IT...

SO I'VE JUST BEEN TRYING

TO CONCENTRATE ON MYSELF

AND, UH...

I'VE BEEN TRYING

NOT TO GET SCARED ABOUT IT.

HI. MORNING.

MORNING.

I LOVE BEING HERE WITH YOU.

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

IT'S OVER BETWEEN MARINA AND ME.

I WENT OVER

TO HER AND HER GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE

LAST NIGHT.

I HAVE NEVER MET ANYBODY LIKE THAT

IN MY LIFE BEFORE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THEIR OWN EGOS

AND THEY DON'T CARE WHO THEY HURT,

AND THEY JUST DRAW YOU INTO THIS WEB

FOR SOME KIND OF A SPORT.

I'M NOT GOING TO SEE HER

EVER AGAIN.

I THREW A BOTTLE OF WINE AT THEIR HOUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I TOOK

A GIANT FUCKING STEP BACKWARDS.

I DON'T WANT

TO BE BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU, JENNY.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST...

YOU START TALKING ABOUT MARINA AND HER GIRLFRIEND

AND HOW PHONY AND MANIPULATIVE THEY ARE

AND ALL I CAN THINK IS, THAT'S YOU.

THAT'S WHO YOU'VE BECOME.

IT'S LIKE YOU'VE DONE THIS THING

AND YOU CAN'T WASH IT OFF.

IT'S IN YOU...

AND I DON'T WANT IT IN ME.

FUCK YOU, TIM.

I AM NOT APOLOGIZING ANYMORE.

HEY, ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER THAT?

NO.

IT'S LISA.

HERE. LET ME SEE IT.

GUYS, I NEED I.D.s.

RIGHT.

HELLO?

NO, SHE STEPPED AWAY FROM THE PHONE

FOR JUST A MINUTE.

OKAY. WOW.

ALL RIGHT. HOLD ON A SECOND.

HERE.

HE SAYS HE CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING.

I.D.s?

WE'RE HERE TO SEE KIT PORTER.

I DON'T KNOW.

LET ME ASK THE CAR.

DO YOU GUYS FEEL LIKE SUBCONSCIOUSLY

MAYBE WE POSSIBLY FORGOT TO INVITE LISA

BECAUSE HE'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT?

YES.

DANA...

GIVE ME THE PHONE.

HEY, LEES?

HI. LOOK, IT COMPLETELY SLIPPED OUR MINDS.

LOOK, YOU HAVE TO STOP BEING

SUCH A LESBIAN MAN.

NO, IT'S NOT CUTE,

AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHASE THE GIRLS AWAY,

I PROMISE.

SORRY.

I'M NOT SHOWING ANYTHING HERE.

SHE SHOULD HAVE LEFT OUR NAMES AT THE GATE.

YO.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

I DON'T MEAN TO HOLD UP MR. DADDY,

BUT I CAN'T LET THESE WOMEN ONTO THE LOT.

SURE YOU CAN. THEY'RE WITH US.

THESE ARE SLIM DADDY'S PEOPLE.

ALL OF THEM?

YEAH.

THIS ONE'S HIS BUSINESS MANAGER,

THAT ONE OVER THERE, THAT'S HIS ACCOUNTANT,

THE LITTLE BLONDIE IN THE BACK,

THAT'S HIS P.R. LADY...

AND THIS ONE HERE,

THIS ONE, SHE'S HIS WHITE LADY...

AND, UH, THIS ONE OVER HERE...

SHE'S A JUST FRIEND OF THEM,

CAME ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, PARTNER?

YOU COOL WITH THAT?

YEAH, I'LL SET THEM UP WITH SOME PASSES.

ALL RIGHT, MAN. THANKS.

APPRECIATE IT. APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU.

YO, UM, SLIM DADDY

WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS

SOME OF HIS BUSINESS PLANS WITH YOU,

IF YOU GOT A MINUTE.

WELL, SURELY HE WOULD WANT HIS ACCOUNTANT TO BE THERE, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ALL OF THAT.

WELL, AS HIS BUSINESS MANAGER, I WOULD HAVE TO INSIST.

ALL RIGHT.

YO, SLIM,

I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING

HOOKED UP FOR YOU.

HEY.

HEY.

HEY.

'SUP?

SO WHO IS THIS?

THIS IS MY PARTNER, TINA.

HELLO.

WHAT'S UP, TINA? HOW YOU DOING?

I'M GOOD.

SO WHAT, Y'ALL GOT

A LITTLE BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

OR SOMETHING?

OH, WE'RE LIFE PARTNERS.

WHAT? Y'ALL MARRIED?

HMM, I SEE.

SO YOU GOT YOURSELF A LITTLE COMMITMENT,

HUH?

AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER?

YOU THINK SHE'D BE INTERESTED,

OR IS SHE WITH A CHICK TOO?

UH, NO, KIT IS NOT GAY.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE WAS.

NO, I SAID I WAS.

SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME

WHEN SHE FIND OUT THE DIRECTION I TOOK ON THIS VIDEO.

SHIT.

I FEEL LIKE I DID THIS.

NO, LOOK, SHE'S HAVING FUN.

SHE'S BEING MOUNTED.

LET'S CUT.

CUT IT.

EVERYONE BACK TO FIRST POSITIONS,

PLEASE.

PLAYBACK.

ACTION.

I WANT TO DO THAT DANCE.

WAIT.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT DANCE.

LOOK, THIS IS HARD, SHANE.

DO YOU SEE THIS?

IT'S BECAUSE IT REQUIRES A SENSE OF RHYTHM, ALICE,

THAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO POSSESS.

AT ALL.

OH.

YOU TWO MARRIED TOO?

US? NO.

WE'RE JUST FREE-WHEELING.

WHO IS THIS?

I'M SHANE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

HAVE A SEAT.

IT'S LIKE SOME WEIRD CARNIVAL MIRROR

OR SOMETHING.

I KNOW.

LET'S CUT. CUT IT.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T...

I CAN'T DO THIS.

YOU KNOW,

I LOVE THE SONG,

AND I REALLY WANT TO BE IN THE VIDEO,

BUT I JUST CAN'T BE IN IT

LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

WHEN I STOPPED DRINKING, I PROMISED MYSELF

I WOULD NEVER MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF AGAIN.

LOOK, IT'S MY BAD.

I PUT THE LADIES IN THE VIDEO

BECAUSE I THOUGHT THIS WAS WHAT YOU WANTED.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS YOUR THING.

YOU DID THAT FOR ME?

THAT WAS SWEET.

LOOK, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GIRLS.

IT REALLY ISN'T.

IT'S JUST THAT, HEY, I AIN'T 20,

AND I AIN'T NOBODY'S HOOCHIE,

AND I JUST SAID TO MYSELF,

"WHY AM I PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH ALL THIS?"

YOU KNOW?

IF THEY DON'T LIKE ME AND MY SONG,

THIS IS NOT GOING TO CONVINCE THEM.

UH, SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

EXCUSE ME, BUT, UH...

I HAVE TO KEEP SHOOTING.

ARE YOU IN OR NOT?

EXCUSE ME, KID.

IF IT WASN'T FOR KIT PORTER,

WOULDN'T NONE OF US BE HERE.

WOULDN'T BE NO SONG,

WOULDN'T BE NO VIDEO FOR YOU TO SHOOT.

SO WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY WAS,

YOU'RE GOING TO SIT YOUR ASS OVER THERE

AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THIS RIGHT,

RIGHT?

HI.

THERE'S SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU.

HI.

HELLO.

UM, CHERIE'S HOSTING A BENEFIT

THIS EVENING

FOR THE WOMEN'S CANCER PROJECT

AND SHE'D LIKE YOU TO DO HER HAIR.

TONIGHT?

YEAH, TONIGHT AT 5:00.

CAN I LET HER KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE THERE?

YEAH.

EXCELLENT CHOICE.

HERE'S THE DIRECTIONS.

THANKS.

PLEASE BE ON TIME.

MRS. JAFFE GETS GRUMPY WHEN SHE'S MADE TO WAIT.

OH, MAN.

BETTE.

COFFEE...

SO, AS FAR AS I'VE FIGURED OUT,

THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE

ARE THE COALITION FOR CONCERNED CITIZENS.

THEY'VE KIND OF ALL BUT STOOD UP

AND SAID THAT THEY DID IT.

THEY'VE BEEN TRACKING THE SHOW

SINCE NEW YORK,

BUT THEY'RE ALL READY

TO GET SERIOUS HERE IN L.A.

BECAUSE, AS THEY SEE IT,

L.A. IS THE CAPITAL

OF FILTH AND DEGRADATION.

THEY SENT THESE?

UH, YEAH.

WHEN DID THEY ARRIVE?

A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUNK MAIL.

OKAY. I JUST...

I WANT YOU TO GET ME AS MUCH INFORMATION AS YOU CAN.

JUST FIND OUT WHO RUNS THE THING AND WHO FUNDS THEM.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST.

RIGHT.

OKAY?

RUNS AND FUNDS. YEAH.

HELLO, MISS.

HI.

I PARKED THERE. IS THAT OKAY?

YES.

THE MISSUS,

SHE WAIT FOR YOU UPSTAIRS.

OH.

OKAY.

HELLO.

HI.

OKAY, SO, SHOULD I, UM...

SHOULD I DO WHAT I DID LAST TIME?

I WAS HOPING FOR A LITTLE MORE.

OH. WELL, WHAT KIND OF MORE?

LOTS MORE.

OH.

OH, I SEE.

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU'RE CONSTANTLY COMPLAINING

ABOUT FEELING SLUGGISH.

NOT CONSTANTLY.

PRETTY CLOSE,

AND LATELY I FEEL

LIKE YOU BRING THAT FATIGUE INTO THE BEDROOM.

I MEAN, I MAKE LOVE TO YOU,

AND THEN, WHEN IT'S MY TURN,

YOU'RE TOO TIRED,

AND I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU,

BUT I END UP NOT HAVING AN ORGASM,

AND IT'S FRUSTRATING.

SO YOU'RE PUMPING ME FULL OF SPIRULINA

SO YOU CAN COME?

NO. GOD.

I'M JUST SAYING

THAT YOU DON'T EAT THAT WELL,

AND IF YOU WOULD JUST CUT OUT THE MEAT,

IT MIGHT HELP.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

HI. I'M DANA FAIRBANKS.

ANDREW.

GOOD. SIT DOWN.

ANDREW. THANKS.

SO...

SO...

I, UH...

I TALKED TO YOUR MOM ON THE PHONE.

OH, YEAH.

SHE, UH...

SHE SAID YOU'RE A TENNIS PLAYER.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S FUN, YOU KNOW.

IT'S FUN.

IT'S HARD WORK, THOUGH.

WELL, IT SHOWS.

YOU HAVE A REALLY BEAUTIFUL BODY.

YEAH, OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU NEED TO BE SET UP.

WHEN YOUR MOTHER SHOWED ME YOUR PICTURE,

I WAS, LIKE...

WAS IT A SUBARU AD, BY ANY CHANCE?

OH, YOU DID A SUBARU AD?

YEAH.

THE SLOGAN WAS, "GET OUT AND STAY OUT."

IS THAT, LIKE, AN OUTDOORSY KIND OF...

GAY THING?

YEAH, LOOK, UM...

THAT'S ME, OKAY?

I'M A LESBIAN.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, OKAY?

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH YOU AND ANOTHER WOMAN, OKAY?

I'D JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE WOMAN.

I'M THAT GAY.

I'M SORRY

YOU HAD TO COME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE

AND DO THIS.

IT'S OKAY.

GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

WELL, GOSH, ALL RIGHT, THEN.

WELL, IT WAS GREAT MEETING YOU.

IT WAS GOOD TO MEET YOU.

TAKE CARE.

WAY TO GO.

SCORE.

HI.

ALICE. NICE TO MEET YOU.

ANDREW.

YOU HANDLED THAT REALLY WELL.

HEY.

HOW DID IT GO?

I FEEL GREAT.

WELL, IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.

I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

SO, ANDREW...

YOU'RE STRAIGHT, OR...

UH, YES.

COMPLETELY?

NO SHADES OF GRAY OR ANYTHING?

NONE.

WOW. FASCINATING.

SO YOU HAVE NO SEXUAL AMBIGUITY?

NO VARIATION ON YOUR ORIENTATION, OR...

IS SHE FLIRTING WITH HIM?

YOU'RE NOT HIDING A VAGINA IN THERE?

ONE TESTICLE?

YEAH.

I JUST TOLD MY FIRST STRAIGHT GUY

THAT I WAS GAY

AND NOT EVEN TO BOTHER TRYING.

GOOD FOR YOU.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL HARRY.

HE'S GOING TO BE SO JEALOUS.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S STEVE.

OH, FUCK.

HERE, TAKE IT.

SHIT.

FUCK.

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING?

YEAH.

YOU'RE GOOD?

GOT IT.

HELLO?

HONEY,

YOU'RE ALWAYS INTERRUPTING ME WHEN I'M NOT READY YET.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE DRESSED BY NOW.

I'M JUST GETTING MY HAIR DONE.

OH.

LOOKS GOOD.

IT'S THE JUST-FUCKED LOOK.

YEAH, WELL, IT WORKS FOR ME.

HI.

AH, YOU MUST BE SHANE.

MY HANDS ARE WET.

THAT'S OKAY.

YEAH, YOU LOOK GREAT.

IT'S GOOD TO BE ABLE

TO PUT A FACE TO THE NAME.

HARRY WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU.

SHE'S THE BEST.

YEAH, OKAY.

LET ME SEE... EXCELLENT.

YOU LOOK LOVELY.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

SAME HERE.

SO, UM...

IF I NEED A TOUCH-UP, I'LL CALL YOU.

YEAH. YEAH.

YO, HEY, HEY, WHOA, WHOA.

HOLD ON A SECOND THERE.

CHERIE SAID SHE FORGOT TO PAY YOU.

NO, NO, NO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S YOUR MONEY. YOU EARNED IT.

YOU HAVE A REAL TALENT.

YOU MADE MY WIFE LOOK HOT.

SERIOUS.

I SAW HER,

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BANG HER

RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY MARRIED MEN

THINK THAT ABOUT THEIR OWN WIVES?

NONE.

YOU COULD BE A GOLD MINE, YOU KNOW THAT?

THANK YOU.

I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU.

OH, GOOD. YOU GOT THEM.

I HAD TO GO

TO THREE DIFFERENT BOOK STORES.

MONKEYS GO ON STRIKE.

MONKEYS GO ON STRIKE IS MY FAVORITE,

SECOND ONLY

TO AARDVARK MAKES PASTA.

THAT'S GREAT.

MY DAD USED TO READ THESE TO ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

ARE YOU GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE MOMS

WHO'S ALWAYS READING

TO TINA'S STOMACH?

IT'S READING TO THE BABY, JAMES.

SHIT, I'M LATE

FOR A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITH TINA.

CAN YOU FINISH GATHERING THE INFORMATION

AND JUST HAVE IT READY FOR ME IN THE MORNING?

GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED?

YEAH.

GOOD LUCK.

10 BUCKS SAYS TINA LAUGHS AT MONKEYS GO ON STRIKE.

BYE. SEE YOU TOMORROW.

HELLO. EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU WORK HERE AT THE MUSEUM?

YES, I DO.

GREAT. CAN YOU TELL ME

IF ISABELLA PERNAO'S WORK

HAS ARRIVED YET?

WELL, I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO SAY

WHETHER MS. PERNAO'S WORK HAS ARRIVED.

BUT YOU'RE EXPECTING IT.

THE WORK BLASPHEMING JESUS CHRIST.

THE PIECE REFERENCES A JESUS FIGURE

IN A SYMBOLIC WAY,

NOT A LITERAL ONE.

HOW IS MS. PERNAO'S WORK RELEVANT TO ANYONE,

EXCEPT TO DEGRADE AND OFFEND ANYONE OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH?

WELL, IT'S RELEVANT,

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO HAVE OTHER PERSPECTIVES.

NOT EVERYONE IS OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH.

NOT EVERYONE BELIEVES IN HEAVEN OR HELL.

ART REFLECTS THAT.

IT'S A MIRROR OF THE WORLD WE LIVE IN.

SO ACCORDING TO THE C.A.C.,

THE WORLD THAT WE LIVE IN IS A GODLESS ONE?

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

MS. PORTER,

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?

IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION.

MY PARTNER AND I ARE EXPECTING A BABY.

SHAME ON YOU, MS. PORTER.

SHAME.

YOU ARE MAKING THIS WORLD

A DARKER PLACE

FOR YOUR CHILD TO LIVE IN.

MS. PORTER,

DO YOU THINK THE FACT THAT YOU'RE HOMOSEXUAL

MAKES YOU MORALLY BANKRUPT?

BY YOUR DEFINITION, I'M A PERVERT,

SINCE REALLY WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY

IS ONLY A PERVERT COULD SHOW THIS WORK.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FRANKNESS.

OH, AND I HOPE YOU LIKED THE FLOWERS.

THEY'RE JUST MY WAY OF SAYING,

"NOTHING PERSONAL."

FAE BUCKLEY?

BINGO.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I SAID I MADE SOME INTERESTING CHOICES.

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE MADE

SOME PRETTY BAD ONES.

NOW, WHAT WAS THAT MANDATE?

SIMPLE BOY-ON-GIRL SEX,

WITH NO COMPLICATED STUFF?

ALICE?

FUCK.

OKAY, I MIGHT HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

SHIT.

HI.

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?

LISA...

DUDE, YOUR NAME'S LISA?

HARSH.

IT'S MY TAKEN NAME,

ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?

HE REPRESENTS

EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN THE WORLD,

AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

HEY.

TAKE IT EASY.

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT EASY.

I'M HER LESBIAN LOVER.

WHOA.

IT JUST GOT NOT WORTH IT.

UM...

I'LL CALL YOU.

SURE.

OKAY. GREAT.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT

YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU.

YEAH, DYKE DRAMA.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LISA?

WHEN I FIRST STARTED SEEING YOU,

I WANTED SOMETHING SIMPLE AND EASY,

AND INSTEAD I END UP

WITH THE MOST COMPLICATED

INTERPRETATION OF SEXUAL IDENTITY

I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YOU DO "LESBIAN"

BETTER THAN ANY LESBIAN I KNOW, OKAY?

AND I DON'T WANT A LESBIAN BOYFRIEND.

I'M SORRY.

I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO'S STRAIGHT

OR I WANT A LESBIAN WHO'S A GIRL.

HELLO.

SO SORRY. I'M SO LATE.

YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

IF I TOLD YOU.

IS TINA NOT HERE YET, OR AM I LATER THAN I THOUGHT?

BETTE...

PLEASE...

HAVE A SEAT.

WHERE'S TINA?

BETTE,

I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

DURING OUR EXAMINATION,

I WAS UNABLE TO LOCATE A HEARTBEAT.

THE FETUS HAS STOPPED THRIVING.

THIS IS USUALLY DUE

TO SOME CONGENITAL PROBLEM.

IT'S KIND OF THE BODY'S OWN WAY

OF ENDING A PREGNANCY.

IT'S REALLY VERY COMMON

WITH FIRST-TIME PREGNANCIES,

MORE SO THAN IS EVEN TALKED ABOUT.

STAY HERE, OKAY?

STAY RIGHT HERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I'M TELLING PEOPLE THE TRUTH.

YOU SHUT THAT OFF.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. YOU SHUT IT OFF.

THAT STUFF YOU'RE SHOWING

IN YOUR MUSEUM, IT'S PORNOGRAPHY,

IT'S FILTH, IT'S DISGUSTING.

THIS IS MY HOME!

THIS IS MY FAMILY!

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO COME HERE,

DO YOU HEAR ME?

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CORRUPT CHILDREN.

YOU TAKE THIS BACK TO FAE BUCKLEY.

AND YOU TELL HER

IF SHE EVER, EVER TRIES SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN,

SHE WILL REGRET IT.

SHUT THAT OFF.

YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.