Original subtitles

I DON'T USUALLY DO LIVE PERFORMANCE,

BUT I DID THE MOVIE WITH BAZ.

I DID NOT SEE IT.

OH, BUT YOU KNOW THE STORY.

NO, NOT REALLY.

OH, MY GOD, THE GIFT OF THE MAGI?

THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO CUT IT ON THE BIAS.

YOU CAN'T WEAR THIS.

CARLA...

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

WELL, LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO HERE.

TURN THIS WAY.

OKAY...

ANYWAY, THE GIFT OF THE MAGI,

IT'S A STORY BY O. HENRY.

IT'S ABOUT THE FOOLISH SACRIFICES

WE MAKE FOR LOVE.

FOOLISH HOW?

WELL, IN THE STORY,

THERE ARE TWO YOUNG LOVERS,

JIM AND DELLA.

THEY HAVE NO MONEY,

BUT THEY WANT SO DESPERATELY

TO BUY EACH OTHER A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

I'M GOING TO TRY SOMETHING,

BUT I'VE GOT TO PIN IT FROM UNDERNEATH.

OKAY.

SO THE YOUNG MAN,

HE HAS ONLY ONE POSSESSION...

HIS GRANDFATHER'S GOLD POCKET WATCH...

WHICH HE TREASURES MORE THAN ANYTHING...

EXCEPT FOR DELLA.

SHALL I GO ON?

WHAT?

WITH THE STORY?

YES...

PLEASE.

[♪♪♪]

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I, UM, I MET THESE TWO KIDS,

AND THEY LIVED IN THIS LITTLE TOWN

CALLED BISHOP,

WHICH IS IN THE SIERRAS,

AND, UH, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

THERE WAS THIS MOUNTAIN,

CALLED THUNDERBOLT PEAK...

AND, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE

I COULD NEVER MAKE IT

TO THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN, RIGHT?

YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN?

YEAH.

I GOT YOUR LETTER, JENNY.

UH-HUH.

I NEVER WANTED YOU TO RIP YOUR HEART OUT.

I JUST...

WANTED YOU TO... BE HONEST WITH ME.

YES.

I HAVE THIS PRESENT FOR YOU.

I FOUND THIS

IN THIS LITTLE, TINY TOWN

CALLED LONE PINE.

IT'S A CHAIN FOR... FOR YOUR STOPWATCH,

SO YOU DON'T FORGET IT ALL THE TIME.

I BROKE IT.

THAT WAS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S.

YEAH, IT WAS.

IT WAS THAT DAY.

I'M SORRY.

SO THAT WAS... THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED?

YES.

THOSE ARE YOURS.

GET OUT.

YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING HER

SINCE THE FIRST NIGHT YOU WENT OUT.

EVEN BETTE AND TINA KNEW.

I WAS THE ONLY IDIOT WHO HAD NO FUCKING CLUE!

YOU PATHOLOGICAL FUCKING LIAR!

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

JENNY, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

GO.

OKAY.

NO, NO... OKAY.

AND, LIKE, THAT'S IT.

YOU WANT US TO ASK,

SO WE'RE ASKING.

SHORT, SQUATTY, OR SHORT, PETITE,

OR WHAT?

SHE'S JUST SHORT, GUYS, ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

SHE'S TINY.

FUCKING SHANE MET MADONNA

AT HARRY SAMCHUCK'S PARTY.

MADONNA, LA PETITE BLONDE QUI CHANTE?

YEAH, SO DOES SHE WANT YOU?

DID YOU ALREADY DO HER?

WELL, I AM DOING HER HAIR NEXT WEEK.

OH, MY GOD.

AND HARRY GAVE SHANE HIS YACHT.

HE GAVE YOU HIS YACHT?

YEAH, FRIDAY NIGHT.

I'M HAVING A PARTY, SO BE THERE, OKAY?

HI.

HEY, GUYS.

HELLO.

HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

HERE'S A CHAIR FOR YOU.

OH, THANKS, BABY.

OH...

GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.

SO, TINA, HOW DO YOU FEEL?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

MY ACID INDIGESTION IS SO MUCH BETTER

SINCE DR. WILSON PRESCRIBED THE ANTACID.

THE TABLETS ARE A LOT BETTER THAN THE LIQUID.

YEAH, MUCH BETTER.

BUT LAST NIGHT, I WOKE UP AT 3:00 A.M.

WITH THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE HEARTBURN.

MY HCG LEVELS ARE REALLY HIGH,

WHICH CAN BE A GOOD THING IN A PREGNANCY,

BUT IT MAKES THE NAUSEA SO MUCH WORSE.

WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO SUBSIDE

AFTER 14 WEEKS...

THIS MORNING,

I'M PULLING ON MY SOCKS,

AND I NOTICE THIS VARICOSE VEIN

RIGHT HERE...

OH, GIVE IT A KISS...

IF SHE KEEPS DOING HER PRENATAL YOGA

AND THE PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES...

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE INCREASE

IN HORMONE PRODUCTION

THAT THE MUSCULAR WALLS OF THE VEINS

RELAX.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE

WHAT THE FEMALE BODY GOES THROUGH.

WHICH REMINDS ME...

TODAY IS OUR CEREMONY AT SPIRIT FLOW.

WHAT CEREMONY?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER? WE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.

THE SIKHS BELIEVE

THAT THE SOUL ENTERS THE FETUS'S BODY

AT 13 WEEKS.

COOL.

AND GURUDEV, MY YOGA TEACHER,

SHE DOES THIS RITUAL,

AND WE WERE JUST HOPING

THAT YOU GUYS WOULD BE THERE

FOR THE CHANTING,

AND THERE'S GOING TO BE A BLESSING.

NO, WE WOULDN'T MISS IT, WOULD WE?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

SOUNDS GREAT.

[CHANTING]

MY GOD.

NOW, IF YOU'LL ALL JOIN ME IN SINGING

"MAY THE LONGTIME SUN,"

AND REMEMBER TO SEND YOUR BLESSINGS

TO TINA AND BETTE

AND THE NEW BEING THEY'RE CREATING.

♪ MAY THE LONGTIME SUN ♪

♪ SHINE UPON YOU ♪

♪ ALL LOVE SURROUND YOU ♪

♪ AND THE PURE LIGHT WITHIN YOU ♪

♪ GUIDE YOUR WAY HOME ♪

♪ MAY THE LONGTIME SUN SHINE UPON YOU... ♪

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I KNOW THAT YOU... DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME

AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU.

WHAT DO YOU NEED, JENNY?

I NEED A BATH.

CAN I GO TO YOUR HOUSE?

I CAN WAIT FOR YOUR BREAK...

I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN.

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS.

WE WERE ENGAGED.

I JUST HAD TO TRY TO MAKE THINGS WORK.

HE REALLY LOVES YOU.

HE CAME TO SHOW ME.

TIM DID THAT TO YOU?

YES, BUT DON'T WORRY.

I'M NOT GOING TO PRESS CHARGES.

AM I JUST A COWARD...

AND A LIAR...

AND A CHEATER?

ADIOS, CHIQUITAS.

OH, BYE, BABY.

SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

BYE, KIT.

BYE, YOU GUYS.

BYE.

SEE YOU LATER.

NOW, TELL US AGAIN

ABOUT THIS CRAZY PARTY

ON THE BOAT.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

HARRY BOOKED IT, RIGHT,

BUT TURNS OUT,

HE HAS TO GO OUT OF TOWN, SO...

THERE'S A FREE BAR,

THERE ARE VERY SWEET COCKTAIL WAITRESSES.

HEY, IT COULD BE TIT, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I'M SURE.

I'M SURE IT WILL BE TIT,

AND I AM SURE

THAT YOU WILL COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND

WHY WE WON'T BE THERE.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

YOU'RE MISSING OUT.

I'M NESTING, YOU GUYS.

I WISH I COULD DESCRIBE

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

IT'S...

IT'S OKAY.

WE CAN USE OUR IMAGINATIONS, REALLY.

PRIMAL.

FEMALES IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM,

THEY DO THIS WHEN THEY'RE GESTATING.

YOU BECOME A HOMEBODY.

YOU JUST RETREAT, LIKE A BROODING HEN.

SO YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO PASS UP

A PRIVATE GIRL PARTY

ON THE MOST FAMOUS GIN PALACE

IN THE PACIFIC

SO YOU CAN GO HOME AND SIT ON AN EGG?

I MEAN, IS THIS WHAT I'M HEARING?

YES, THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE HEARING, ALICE.

YES, WE ARE.

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK, YOU GUYS.

OKAY.

THANKS FOR COMING.

OKAY, UM...

IT WAS LOVELY.

YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU GUYS, REALLY.

IT WAS REALLY PRETTY.

YEAH.

IT'S SO DESPERATE, YOU GUYS.

WE HAVE TO GO AHEAD AND DO THIS.

YEAH.

6:00.

OKAY, 6:00.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

SORRY I'M SO LATE, SWEETIE!

I WAS JUST PULLING OUT OF THE GARAGE

WHEN I REALIZED I FORGOT

THE THREE NEW NATURAL CHILDBIRTH BOOKS

WE WANT...

W... WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW.

THESE GUYS HAVE SOMETHING THEY WANT TO TALK TO US ABOUT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE A SEAT NEXT TO TINA.

CAN I JUST...

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I HAVE IT.

OKAY.

OKAY, THAT...

UH, SHANE...

WILL YOU PUT THAT IN THE FRIDGE?

BECAUSE LEAVING HOT FOOD OUT

IS WHAT BRINGS THE BACTERIA TO LIFE,

AND TOXOPLASMOSIS

IS ONE OF MOST PREVALENT CAUSES

OF BIRTH DEFECTS.

YOU GET IT FROM CONTAMINATED FOOD,

UNPASTEURIZED CHEESE, AND...

CATS. CATS...

OUTDOOR CATS.

SLANDER AGAINST CATS. WRITE THAT DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, ANYWAY?

OKAY, HERE GOES.

THE REASON WE'VE GATHERED HERE,

YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY...

BECAUSE WE REALLY DO CONSIDER YOU GUYS

OUR FAMILY.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY WE WERE AT THAT...

RITUAL THING...

IS TO PERFORM AN INTERVENTION.

LOOK, GUYS, MY COUSINS DID THIS FOR MY UNCLE BILL,

AND HE HASN'T HAD A DROP TO DRINK

SINCE THEY PUT HIM IN THE STRAITJACKET

AND HAULED HIM OFF TO REHAB.

I SWEAR.

THANK YOU FOR THAT, SHANE.

SURE.

NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

WELL, THAT IS A RELIEF,

BECAUSE I CAN SAFELY SAY

THAT WE'RE BOTH JUST TOTALLY MYSTIFIED.

AN INTERVENTION IS ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE YOU LOVE

CHANGE DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR.

NOW, OVER THE PAST APPROXIMATELY...

12.

12 WEEKS,

WE'VE NOTICED A VERY ALARMING PATTERN.

UM...

YOU TWO ARE HAVING A BABY, AND WE ARE VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.

WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE?

WE ARE.

JUMP IN ANY TIME.

OKAY, UM, GUYS...

WE'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN WITH OTHER COUPLES

THAT WE'VE KNOWN...

JANET AND SUE, FOR INSTANCE,

CLAUDIA AND TAMMY...

OH, GOD, ESPECIALLY MIMI AND IVY. WOW.

UM, IT WOULD KILL US, YOU GUYS,

IF YOU WOUND UP LIKE MIMI AND IVY, OKAY,

AND WE WOULDN'T BE YOUR FRIENDS

IF WE JUST STOOD BACK

AND LET YOU... GET SO...

SO...

WHAT?

BORING.

BORING.

BORING, GUYS.

BORING? BORING.

I KNOW THIS IS PAINFUL.

DENIAL'S VERY COMMON.

IT'S OKAY.

THAT'S WHY WE'VE ACTUALLY MADE

THIS LIST OF INCIDENTS,

AND THIS MULTIPLE CHOICE SELF-ASSESSMENT TEST,

WHICH WE'LL GO THROUGH WITH YOU,

AND THEN THE TWO OF YOU CAN FILL IT OUT TOGETHER

AND TALLY THE RESULTS.

IT HAS RESULTS?

RESULTS YOU CAN TALLY?

JESUS.

OKAY. READY?

OKAY.

NO, BUT GO AHEAD.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 5,

TK ARRIVES AT PLANET

WITH CATALOGUE OF MATERNITY UNDERWEAR

AND TAKES UP THE ENTIRE BREAKFAST

MAKING EVERYONE CHOOSE BETWEEN PIMA COTTON GRANNY PANTIES

AND WIDE WAISTBAND STRETCH LYCRA MATERNITY BRIEFS.

SURE, I DID THAT, BUT I NEEDED YOU TO HELP ME...

ACCEPTANCE IS THE FIRST STEP, TINA.

DANA?

RIGHT.

TINA, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

FROM THE QUESTIONNAIRE...

"AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO THE QUESTION,

'HI, HOW ARE YOU?' IS..."

I DON'T KNOW.

"A."

"A" "FINE, THANKS,

AND YOU?"

"B", WHICH ALSO WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD...

"I'M FEELING A LITTLE TIRED TODAY,

BUT I'M REALLY HAPPY TO SEE YOU GUYS,"

BUT "C"?

SHANE?

UH, YEAH,

"C", BEING...

"I'M TAKING PROGESTERONE SUPPOSITORIES

"AND MY VAGINAL DISCHARGE IS ALL GOOEY AND BROWNISH

"AND MY GUMS ARE SPONGY AND BLEEDING

"FROM THE HORMONES

"AND EXTRA BLOOD

COURSING THROUGH MY BODY..."

BETTE...

I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK

THIS IS JUST ABOUT TINA.

NO, I'M SURE I'VE BORED THE HELL OUT OF YOU...

LOOK, GUYS,

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

WE LOVE YOU GUYS. WE DO.

DITTO.

LOVE YOU.

THAT'S WHY IT PAINS US SO MUCH

TO SEE YOU IN THIS DOWNWARD SPIRAL.

I MEAN, TINA, LOOK AT YOUR FEET.

WHAT?

OH, LOOK, SEE, RIGHT HERE.

IT SAYS, "TRUE, FALSE?

"RIGHT NOW I AM WEARING

FUZZY-WUZZY SLIPPERS."

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. GREAT.

OKAY, SO... HERE, MAYBE LEAVE SOME COPIES.

YEAH, WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME EXTRAS

IN CASE YOU MESS UP...

SEE YOU.

OKAY, BYE-BYE.

SEE YOU GUYS.

YOU'RE NOT BORED BY YOUR MOMMIES,

ARE YOU?

HE'S NOT.

[♪♪♪]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

HOLA.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

CAN YOU HOLD ON A MINUTE?

JUST ONE MINUTE.

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

HI! YEAH.

YEAH, THIS IS ME.

IT'S KIND OF A WHISTLE STOP TOUR.

I'M LOOKING AT WASHINGTON U TOMORROW,

THEN I'M OFF TO L.A. THE FOLLOWING DAY.

I'VE BEEN OFFERED A PLACE AT USC.

AN INTERNSHIP.

LOOK, ANYWAYS, WHAT I WAS THINKING...

LOOK, I'M IN INTERVIEWS MOST OF THE AFTERNOON,

AND THEN I'M CATCHING AN EVENING FLIGHT BACK TO DC,

YOU KNOW, BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE...

MAYBE WE COULD MEET

BEFORE I LEAVE.

LOOK, I REALIZE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO PUT YOURSELF IN, YOU KNOW,

STRESSFUL SITUATIONS

AT THIS STAGE IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS,

AND, LOOK, I WANT TO BE RESPECTFUL OF THAT.

NO, I'M OKAY.

I... I CAN HANDLE IT.

OKAY?

I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT UNTIL THEY RELEASE THE CAMPAIGN.

YOU LOOK FUCKING HOT.

YOU SHOULD DRESS LIKE THAT MORE OFTEN.

I'M GOING TO A PARTY LATER.

GREAT.

THAT REMINDS ME OF ONE THING, ACTUALLY.

USUALLY IN A CONTRACT LIKE THIS,

THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED A LIFESTYLE CLAUSE,

OKAY, IN WHICH YOU, AS THE SPOKESPERSON,

ARE EXPECTED TO, UM..,

REFLECT THE COMPANY'S IMAGE,

YOU KNOW, IN ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE.

IT CAN MEAN STUPID THINGS,

LIKE NO PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS, OR...

I DON'T KNOW, NO SATAN-WORSHIPPING.

THIS IS THE DEAL.

ONCE YOU SIGN THIS THING, SUBARU OWNS YOUR ASS.

YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY BY THEIR RULES.

WHAT ABOUT MARTINA?

YEAH...

YEAH, I KNOW THAT SUBARU DID THAT WHOLE...

MARTINA LIFESTYLE CAMPAIGN,

BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT.

THAT'S MARTINA. SHE'S A SUPERSTAR.

YOU KNOW, SHE CAN PULL OFF THAT WHOLE GAY THING,

BUT YOU'RE NOT MARTINA, BABE.

YOU'RE NOT TIGER WOODS, YOU'RE NOT A SUPERSTAR.

WHAT YOU ARE

IS VERY HOT, VERY SEXY.

THIS IS IT.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO CASH IN,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO FACE THE FACTS, DANA.

THE CLOCK'S TICKING.

YOU KNOW, YOUR...

YOUR ANNA KOURNIKOVA DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

FUCK YOU, CONRAD.

HEY, I'VE OFFERED.

OH, LIGHTEN UP, FAIRBANKS. COME ON.

YOU CAN BE A LEZ WHEN YOU RETIRE.

OKAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE AN ASS-KICKIN', BUT...

DICK-LOVIN' ATHLETE

WHO'S GETTING A FAT PAYCHECK.

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO

IS SMILE PRETTY FOR THE CAMERA.

CAPICHE?

HEY, LADIES, HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD.

NAMES, PLEASE?

BETTE PORTER AND TINA KENNARD.

BETTE AND TINA...

THERE YOU GO.

UH, SHANE'S NOT HERE YET, BUT YOU CAN GO ON BOARD

AND MAKE YOURSELVES FEEL COMFORTABLE.

THANKS.

OKAY, THANKS.

ACTUALLY,

YOU'RE THE FIRST TWO TO ARRIVE.

UH-OH.

WE'RE THE FIRST ONES HERE?

THAT'S REALLY BORING, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S BORING.

SO BORING...

GOD...

THIS IS SO NICE.

IT IS.

AND SO PEACEFUL.

[♪♪♪]

SO YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK COUNTS AS SEX?

I DON'T KNOW...

IF YOU HAVE AN ORGASM?

WELL, IF THAT WAS THE CASE,

THAT WOULD MEAN THOUSANDS OF WOMEN

WHO ARE MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN

HAVE NEVER HAD SEX...

BUT EITHER WAY,

YOU AND I DEFINITELY HAVE HAD SEX.

YOU ARE SO SEXY, DANA.

YOU MAKE ME COME SO HARD.

OH, DID I OFFEND YOU OR SOMETHING?

NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

DANA, WHAT'S UP?

I JUST... I NEED YOU TO STOP.

STOP WHAT?

TOUCHING ME.

KISSING ME.

I CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY?

I'M NOT READY FOR ALL THIS.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I DON'T THINK

I'VE EVER MET ANYONE MORE READY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I KNOW.

I'M GAY,

AND WHEN I HIDE THAT, I HIDE THE BEST PART OF ME,

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ME.

MY CLOCK IS TICKING, LARA,

AND YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX IN THE STREET...

WHAT?

AND I DON'T WANT TO PARADE AROUND

MAKING SURE EVERYONE KNOWS OUR BUSINESS.

I'M NOT LIKE YOU.

I CARE WHAT THEY THINK.

LOOK, IS THIS ABOUT THE AD CAMPAIGN OR SOMETHING?

DID YOUR AGENT SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU?

JUST, I CAN'T STAND TO BE JUDGED BY YOU

ALL THE TIME.

YOU'RE A BIGGER, BETTER PERSON THAN ME,

AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU, I'M REMINDED OF THAT.

I'M SORRY.

I'M PUTTING TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOU,

AND I'M MOVING TOO FAST.

MAYBE WE SHOULD...

NO.

NO?

I JUST, I... I CAN'T.

OKAY? JUST FORGET IT!

I CAN'T. THIS IS TOO HARD.

I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT AROUND 9:15?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK BRUSHING MY TEETH?

DID YOU FEEL ANYTHING?

BECAUSE I WAS SENDING YOU REIKI.

OH, MY GOD.

DID YOU SAY 9:15?

REIKI, ISN'T THAT BORING?

REALLY BORING. WRITE IT DOWN.

YOU'RE UNDER SO MUCH STRESS RIGHT NOW

WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON

WITH YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR SIBLINGS.

IF YOU WANT,

I COULD DO SOME HANDS ON WITH YOU

LATER TONIGHT.

I WOULD LOVE THAT.

I WOULD REALLY LOVE THAT.

I, ACTUALLY, I HAVE THIS...

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN FEEL THIS.

YEAH. YEAH.

CAN YOU FEEL THAT?

IT'S DEFINITELY BLOCKED.

HOLD ON A SECOND?

HEY, HEY, HEY.

HEY.

WHERE'S YOUR WOMAN?

SHE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

THAT SUCKS.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

ARE YOU FEELING THAT?

YEAH...

YEAH, I THINK SO.

I'M WORKING TELEPATHICALLY

ON YOUR GLUTES RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT.

YOU'RE CARRYING A LOT OF STRESS

IN YOUR LOWER BACK AND HIPS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW...

I'M RELEASING IT.

OKAY.

CAN I TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF?

I THINK IT MIGHT HELP.

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, SURE, OF COURSE.

I MEAN, IF YOU THINK IT'LL HELP.

OKAY.

ARE YOU READY?

READY.

ALL RIGHT, CHEERS.

ONE MORE, ONE MORE, ONE MORE, ONE MORE.

ONE MORE?

YES. ONE MORE.

ARE YOU READY?

YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT.

AND, GO.

CHEERS.

FABULOUS. OKAY.

WHOO!

WAIT.

WHAT?

I HAVE SOMETHING.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

WHY WOULD I BE KIDDING?

WELL, BECAUSE...

BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'VE GOT THE REAL THING.

THAT'S NOT HOW I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

THAT'S HOW I WANT YOU TO, OKAY?

BUT IT GOES AGAINST WHO I AM.

LISTEN, YOU'RE A MAN.

YOU'RE A MAN NAMED LISA,

BUT YOU'RE DEFINITELY A MAN...

I'M A LESBIAN... MAN.

[MOANS]

[♪♪♪]

DANA'S REALLY GETTING DOWN WITH HER BAD SELF.

YEAH, AND I BET HER BAD SELF

IS GOING TO FEEL REAL BAD IN THE MORNING.

HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?

MM, NOT SO GOOD.

DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE A 12-STEP PROGRAM

FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ADDICTED TO DOMESTICITY?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT?

NO, NO, NO. NO, DON'T DO THIS.

WH... WHA...

BUT YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.

HERE, QUICK.

SLIP UNDER MY CLOAK OF BORINGNESS,

AND NO ONE WILL EVEN NOTICE WE'RE GONE.

[SNIFFING]

[RETCHING]

HANG IN THERE. I'VE GOT YOU.

OH...

BABY, LET IT OUT.

LET IT GO.

[VOMITING]

HERE'S YOUR HOT MILK AND HONEY IF YOU STILL WANT IT.

I LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU, TOO.

AND I THINK YOU'RE THE MOST EXCITING WOMAN

IN ALL OF LOS ANGELES.

BABY, WILL YOU TURN OFF THE LIGHT?

HEY, YOU GUYS,

WHERE ARE BETTE AND TINA?

BORING.

YEAH, SO BORING.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

WHAT'S MORE BORING, RIGHT?

YOU MAKE ENDLESS LISTS,

AND YOU BAWL YOUR HEAD OFF,

AND THEN PUKE OVER THE SIDE OF THE BOAT,

OR YOU GET TO GO HOME

AND GO TO SLEEP WITH THE SAME PERSON

YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH FOR SEVEN YEARS?

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY...

SHANE...

HEY, HEY, HEY, SHANE, GET DOWN.

SHANE, PLEASE GET DOWN.

SHANE...

YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT. GET DOWN.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

OOF!

OH...

OKAY, I'M COMING.

OH, GOD...

WAKEY-WAKEY.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I GOT FOOD POISONING.

OH, GOD.

YEAH, TELL WHAT'S-HER-NAME

TO DO YOU SOBER

THE NIGHT BEFORE A PHOTO SHOOT.

SHE UP THERE?

NO, SHE, UH...

I'LL GO GET READY.

YEAH, MAKE YOURSELF PRESENTABLE.

THE MAKEUP ARTIST WILL DO THE REST.

THEY CAN WORK WONDERS, PROFESSIONAL MAKEUP PEOPLE.

REMEMBER GIA?

20...

COME ON, FIVE MORE, DON'T GIVE UP.

HOW ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GET

THOSE BUNS OF STEEL?

I DON'T WANT BUNS OF STEEL.

SHOOT, I'LL TAKE THEM.

AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE TO STRAP ON THAT TORTURE TREATMENT.

YOU KNOW THESE GIRLS LIKE THEIR STRAP-ONS.

SHUT UP, HARRISON.

OH, NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

AND... DONE.

COME ON, LET'S STRETCH.

OOH, WHAT'S UP?

I WAS WONDERING

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

I HAVE A LOT OF PAPERWORK. WHY?

DAVID CALLED ME THE OTHER DAY.

OKAY...

SO I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS TO IT.

UM, SAME TIME TOMORROW?

YEAH.

GOOD JOB.

THANKS.

BYE.

DID YOU KNOW HE WAS GOING TO CALL ME?

DAD SAID HE MIGHT.

DON'T BE ANGRY WITH ME.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET YOUR HOPES UP

IN CASE HE DIDN'T.

BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT,

THIS WHOLE CHARADE ABOUT HIM CALLING ME

BECAUSE MELVIN SAYS IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT... IT... IT'S BULLSHIT!

I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

I... I TOLD HIM I WOULD MEET HIM TONIGHT

AT 6:00 AT HIS HOTEL.

I'M SO SCARED.

WOULD YOU COME WITH ME?

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 5:30.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

[LAUGHS]

I'M THINKING THAT I'M VERY HAPPY.

YOU ARE?

YEAH, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M SO HAPPY

WHEN TIM HURTS SO MUCH.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

I HAVE MY, UM, JOURNALS

AND MY COMPUTER

AT TIM'S,

AND I WAS WONDERING

IF I CAN BRING THEM HERE,

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T TAKE UP

A LOT OF SPACE.

YOU WANT TO BRING THEM HERE?

YES.

NO, I'M NOT SAYING

THAT I WANT TO MOVE IN WITH YOU,

AND IT WOULD JUST BE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS,

BUT I FEEL LIKE

I SHOULD BE WRITING RIGHT NOW.

I WOULD FEEL HONORED.

I THINK I COULD...

YOU SURE WON'T HERE.

NO...

REALLY?

BECAUSE IT'S BEAUTIFUL

THE WAY THE LIGHT IS COMING IN

THROUGH THE WINDOWS,

AND I FEEL VERY INSPIRED.

YOU DO?

I DO.

YES, YOU COULD, UM...

YOU COULD WRITE AT THE DESK,

AND LOOK OVER AT THE CANALS, AND...

YOU COULD WRITE GREAT WORKS OF LITERATURE

THAT WOULD GO DOWN IN HISTORY.

DON'T YOU WISH THERE WAS A PARALLEL UNIVERSE?

A PARALLEL UNIVERSE?

YEAH.

WHERE WE COULD LIVE OUT THIS FANTASY?

YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T BE

FOR MORE THAN A WEEK,

BECAUSE I CAN'T STAY AT TIM'S ANY MORE,

AND IT WOULD JUST BE UNTIL I, UM...

I GUESS I HAVE TO FIND...

I WOULD LOVE TO.

I WOULD LOVE TO.

YOU WOULD LOVE TO?

OOH, YES. YES...

BUT FRANCESCA'S COMING BACK TOMORROW.

FRANCESCA?

YEAH.

SHE WAS IN ROME DOING A BALLET,

AND THEN FOUR MONTHS IN BUDAPEST,

AND THEN... DOING A MOVIE.

WHO IS FRANCESCA?

FRANCESCA. YOU KNOW.

I TOLD YOU.

EVERYBODY KNOWS.

NO.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

JENNY, THIS IS NOT THE SOLUTION.

WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN YOU AND I,

FRANCESCA AND I...

IT'S SO DIFFERENT.

SHE TRAVELS FOUR TO FIVE MONTHS A YEAR.

SHE'S A COSTUME DESIGNER.

WHAT'S HER LAST NAME?

WOLFF, WITH TWO Fs.

WHO ARE YOU?

SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU.

YOU'LL FIND THAT YOUR LIFE IS RICHER,

MORE FULL OF POSSIBILITIES AND CHOICES.

I'VE OPENED UP YOUR WORLD.

FUCK YOU.

JENNY...

DON'T...

TOUCH ME.

THAT'S GREAT, DANA!

YOU LOOK AMAZING!

LOOK OUT, KOURNIKOVA,

HERE COMES DANA FAIRBANKS!

I DON'T THINK

WE SHOULD SIT AT THE BAR.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

I'M NOT GOING TO DRINK TONIGHT.

TONIGHT?

COME ON.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW ME SHITFACED?

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

NO, THE POINT IS

THAT YOU AND DAVID HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY MELVIN

INTO THINKING THAT I'M SOME KIND OF FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.

I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU LADIES?

I'LL HAVE A MINERAL WATER, PLEASE.

I'M SORRY, I WILL HAVE THE SAME THING ALSO.

OH! BETTER YET, I'LL HAVE A SELTZER.

HOW ABOUT A SQUIRT OF ROSE'S LIME IN THAT?

MM-HMM, SURE.

I WAS HAVING A DRINK THE OTHER NIGHT

WHEN DAVID CALLED,

AND I HAVEN'T HAD ONE SINCE.

IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS.

I'M GOING TO TRY.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD. AT LEAST YOU'RE TRYING.

NOT DRINKING? IT'S JUST EASY FOR ME.

I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DRINK.

NO, I MEAN, HOW DO YOU KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER?

I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT IT ALL DOWN.

CAREER, LOVE.

LOOK AT YOU.

NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A FAMILY.

WHAT? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH TINA?

IS EVERYTHING OKAY? WHAT? WHAT?

NO, NO. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

TINA'S FINE. EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

YOU SURE?

YEAH, I JUST... I...

YOU KNOW, I HAVE SOME THINGS ON MY MIND,

BUT IT'S NOTHING.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

YOU'RE HAVING THE DADDY BLUES.

YOU ARE WORRYING ABOUT

ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES COMING DOWN ON YOU,

THE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES,

THE "I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE RISK"

RESPONSIBILITIES...

BECAUSE NOW THERE TWO OTHER LIVES

THAT ARE TOTALLY DEPENDENT

ON YOU KEEPING EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

IT'S A MONSTER.

IT'S BIG.

YEAH, IT IS.

I'M SURE... I'M SURE THAT'S ALL IT IS.

SURE IT IS.

BECAUSE YOU AND TINA ARE SOLID.

YOU'VE GOT A MARRIAGE

LIKE GOD CHOSE YOU TWO TO FIND EACH OTHER,

AND THAT'S A LOVE YOU NEVER WANT TO LET GO.

I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU ARE MAKING

ONE BIG PRODUCTION OUT OF ALL THAT.

JUST WANT YOU TO GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.

THERE WE GO.

ENJOY.

SKOAL, BABY.

THAT WAS AMAZING.

IT WAS REALLY GREAT. REALLY.

THANK YOU.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

REALLY.

HEY, DO YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE

THE PRELIMINARY ART?

YEAH.

SUPER. I'VE GOT MOCK-UPS RIGHT OVER HERE.

OKAY, CHECK THESE OUT.

THIS IS THE ONE THAT WE LIKE BEST.

SEE, OUR CONCEPT IS...

WE WANT TO POSITION YOU AS THE GAY ANNA KOURNIKOVA.

WHAT?

THE GAY ANNA KOURNIKOVA.

HOLD IT...

HOLD ON A SECOND, HERE, GUYS.

WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING WE DISCUSSED.

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU...

I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

I WANT TO BE THE GAY ANNA KOURNIKOVA.

I DO.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

SETTLED, THEN.

THIS IS BRILLIANT.

WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS BRILLIANT.

THIS IS...

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING

WE'VE BEEN GROPING FOR.

IT'S A HOOK... YOU GUYS...

THAT'S WHY THEY PAY YOU THE BIG BUCKS.

RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

FANTASTIC.

ISN'T IT, BABE?

YOU'RE FIRED.

GET OUT OF HERE...

NO, REALLY.

YOU'RE FIRED.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'VE NO IDEA...

HOW GOOD THIS FEELS.

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE?

7:00.

WELL, MAYBE

HE GOT HELD UP IN HIS MEETING.

WHAT TIME DID HE SAY HE WAS GOING TO...

IT WAS 4:00.

THAT'S NOT HIM, KIT.

OKAY, WHAT DID YOU SAY HIS NAME WAS?

DAVID WATERS.

WATERS, RIGHT.

HERE HE IS.

DAVID WATERS CHECKED OUT

ABOUT 45 MINUTES AGO.

ARE YOU SURE?

YES.

HE'S ABOUT 25 YEARS OLD...

SIX FEEL TALL, GIVE OR TAKE

IN A TAN SUIT?

I REMEMBER HIM. I CHECKED HIM OUT MYSELF.

I SAW HIM GET INTO A CAB, IN FACT.

I'M SURE THERE'S BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING.

WE'LL CALL HIM.

DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL HIM?

I HAVE HIS NUMBER IN D.C.

NO.

[DISTANT SIRENS]

[KNOCKING QUIETLY]

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE KIND TO ME,

BUT I NEED TO STAY IN MY WRITING STUDIO TONIGHT.

WHY?

WHAT HAPPENED?

TIM, PLEASE...

BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY

THAT I WISH THAT NONE OF THIS HAD NEVER HAPPENED.

JENNY...

THE THINGS YOU SAY...

HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING TO ME.

ONE NIGHT.

THAT'S IT.

GO AROUND THE BACK.

[♪♪♪]