Original subtitles

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

OW.

HEY, HELEN.

STACY NEVER CAME HOME.

YOU GOT A WILD ONE ON YOUR HANDS, HELEN.

YOU KNEW THAT GOING IN.

YOU DIDN'T RUN INTO HER AT THE BOILER ROOM?

NO.

I NEVER SAW HER TONIGHT.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, I PICKED IT UP AT THAT ESTATE AUCTION.

I THINK

IT'S A JAMACOAQUE FROM ECUADOR,

ABOUT 500 A.D.

SOME MINOR DEMON, LIKE ABRAXAS

OR FORCAS OR SOMETHING.

WHATEVER.

LISTEN,

DON'T STRESS OUT ABOUT STACY.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.

SHE PROBABLY WENT

TO ANOTHER PARTY

AND IS PASSED OUT ON SOMEONE'S COUCH.

WELL, WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER?

I'M SURE SHE'S FINE.

I'M WAITING A FEW MORE HOURS, THEN I'M GOING TO THE POLICE.

WHO WAS THAT?

YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I LIVE HERE, LAST TIME I CHECKED.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU HAD PRACTICE.

RANDY'S TAKING THE PRACTICE.

I'M TRYING TO MAP OUT A STUDY SCHEDULE FOR TRISH.

IF SHE DOESN'T PASS PHYSICS,

SHE CAN'T COMPETE IN THE PAC-10s NEXT MONTH, SO...

WOW.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

REALLY?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M... I'M JUST...

GOING TO THE PLANET,

AND I'M GOING TO GO WRITE.

I NEED A CHANGE OF ENVIRONMENT,

SO...

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

I'M GOING TO COME WITH YOU.

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

IT HAPPENS, DANA.

IT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.

IT'S A PERFECTLY NATURAL THING.

IT DOESN'T CHANGE

THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU,

OR HOW MUCH PLEASURE YOU GAVE ME.

UGH. WHAT IS THAT?

SANDWICH. WANT SOME?

PASS.

BYE, HON...

OH, THAT IS DISGUSTING.

BYE, BABE.

BYE.

[♪♪♪]

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU CAN BUY THESE THINGS IN BULK.

IT'S SO WEIRD.

OH, MY GOD,

I'D HAVE SO MUCH MORE RESPECT FOR THAT BOX

IF IT HAD SOME MORE HONEST PICTURES,

LIKE SOME SOBBING INFERTILE WOMAN

WITH A NEGATIVE TEST STICK

IN HER HAND.

YEAH, AND ON THE OTHER SIDE,

IT COULD HAVE A TEENAGE GIRL

WITH A POSITIVE ONE,

ABOUT TO HANG HERSELF.

YEAH.

IT'D BE GOOD.

HOW DO YOU NOT PEE ON YOUR HAND?

YOU JUST AIM BELOW THE CLIT.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH.

WHERE DID YOU THINK PEE CAME OUT OF?

I DON'T KNOW.

THERE'S A LOT GOING ON DOWN THERE.

THIS IS MY 10th EARLY PREGNANCY TEST.

IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I USED TO THINK YOU COULD GET PREGNANT

BY GIVING A GUY A BLOW JOB.

I USED TO THINK YOU COULD GET PREGNANT

THROUGH YOUR PANTS.

OR BY TOUCHING THE HANDLE

OF THE BOYS' BATHROOM.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO MEN?

I'M POSITIVE.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH DRAMA

AND MIND FUCKS,

AND WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY.

YEAH, AND MEN ARE BORING.

YEAH, WELL, BRING IT ON,

BECAUSE I COULD USE

A LITTLE NICE, UNCOMPLICATED,

BORING BOY-GIRL SEX MASQUERADING AS LOVE.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

[DOOR OPENS]

JEN?

TIM?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

I'M GOOD.

YOU SURE?

YEAH.

YEAH, HEY.

I HATE THESE UNISEX BATHROOMS.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S SHOCKING TO HEAR A MAN'S VOICE,

AND THEY PEE EVERYWHERE.

IT'S JUST...

COMPLETELY GROSS.

I'LL TRY TO BE CONSIDERATE.

[UNBUCKLES AND UNZIPS PANTS]

[URINATES]

YOU KNOW, IT MAKES ME SICK

WHAT THIS ADMINISTRATION'S DOING TO OUR ENVIRONMENT.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

TINA, IT'S POSITIVE.

WHAT?

OH, MY...

OH, MY GOD!

I'M PREGNANT.

YOU DID IT!

OH, MY GOD!

I'M PREGNANT.

OH, MY...

YOU DID IT.

OH, MY GOD.

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

LOOK, I'M A CLICHE.

I'M SITTING HERE STUFFING MY FACE.

HEY, GUYS.

OH, GOD, IT'S KIT. KIT, COME HERE.

TINA'S PREGNANT.

WE JUST FOUND OUT

JUST THIS SECOND.

LOOK.

WOW.

OH, WOW.

OH.

OH, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

THIS IS GREAT.

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

DOES BETTE KNOW?

JEN, I HAVE TO RUN THESE STUDY PLANS OVER TO TRISH.

OKAY. THAT'S FINE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

OH, HEY.

NO. NO, SHE DIDN'T MENTION THAT.

REALLY? YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, ANYWAY,

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO TALK TO JENNY.

THE GREAT NICK BARASHKOV.

YOU SURE YOU WANT THIS?

SHUT UP.

HELLO?

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

GUESS WHAT?

I KILLED SARAH SCHUSTER.

YOU PROMISE?

WELL, YOU KNOW I PROMISE.

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

YES, I PROMISE.

I WON'T TELL BETTE WE KNEW BEFORE SHE KNEW.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE SO GOOD.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE FUN. UH-UH.

I KNOW.

NO RED MEAT, NO ADDITIVES, NO MARGARITAS,

WINE, BEER,

AND NO XANAX,

NO MATTER HOW STRESSED OUT I GET.

NO MORE SMACK,

NO MORE CRACK, AND NO MORE BLOW.

I'M GOING TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO BE AS TOGETHER ABOUT THIS

AS BETTE IS ABOUT HER WORK.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A FAMILY.

UH-HUH.

OH, MY GOD.

WELL, I HAVE TO GO,

SO I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

MY LIPS ARE SEALED.

TINA,

THE REASON WHY I CAME IS BETTE TOLD ME

THERE WAS A LETTER HERE FOR ME.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S FROM DAVID.

YOU OKAY?

WOW.

UH, YEAH.

I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM IN FIVE YEARS.

OKAY.

YOU AND BETTE

ARE GOING TO BE GREAT PARENTS.

THANKS, BABY.

NOW, GO ON.

YOU GO CALL HER BEFORE YOU EXPLODE.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

I WAS COMPLETELY DONE WITH HER,

SO I JUST DECIDED SHE NEEDED TO GO.

OH, NICK, OF COURSE I VALUE YOUR OPINION.

YOU WERE THE FIRST.

YOU ARE?

OKAY.

YES, I WOULD LOVE TO.

I WOULD ABSO-ABSO-ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO.

[GASPS]

YOU HAVE A TAN?

OH, MY GOD, DO YOU STILL...

DO YOU LOOK LIKE GEORGE HAMILTON?

[BETTE]: I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONCERNS.

THE BILL VIOLA

WENT TO SEATTLE.

HE CAN MAYBE DO 2005...

AND TINA'S STILL ON LINE THREE.

YES.

GREAT TALKING TO YOU, TOO.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. BYE.

BABY, I CANNOT TALK RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, OKAY. I'LL MAKE IT REALLY QUICK.

JUST PROMISE ME

THAT YOU'LL COME HOME FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

I'M COOKING.

THAT'S GOING TO BE A TOUGH ONE TO SWING.

PLEASE? IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I'LL MAKE IT ALL BETTER.

THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER

IS IF YOU COME UP WITH A SHOW FOR MY BIG, GAPING, SPRING SLOT.

SHELDON TOMLIN'S ON TWO.

FUCK SHELDON TOMLIN.

BABY, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

I WILL TRY TONIGHT.

THAT IS THE BEST I CAN DO.

OKAY?

OKAY. TRY.

OKAY. BYE.

SHELDON!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CALLING ME BACK.

NO, IT'S TRUE.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

MOCA'S A BIG INSTITUTION. IT'S HARD TO COMPETE.

LOOK, UM, THE REASON THAT I WAS CALLING YOU...

WELL, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR

IS THE SOUND OF ME EATING MY WORDS.

SHELDON,

I WOULD LIKE TO BOOK IMPRESSIONS IN WINTER,

AND I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME

THAT...

FRANKLIN DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.

THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE.

NO, THE CAC IS NOT IN TURMOIL...

NO, OF COURSE.

YOU KNOW, AND NOTHING PERSONAL ON MY PART, EITHER.

OKAY. BYE.

FRANKLIN, HEADING THIS WAY.

GODDAMMIT.

DOES IT EVER FUCKING STOP?

IS SHE IN?

UH, NO. NOT YET.

I SEE.

WILL YOU TELL HER THAT THE BOARD

IS CONVENING FOR AN UNSCHEDULED MEETING

TOMORROW EVENING?

AND SHE WOULD BE WELL ADVISED

TO ATTEND.

FRANKLIN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TALKING TO MY DOOR?

I'M OFF TO TO MY BERNARD RIDDLE MEETING.

HE'S GOT HALF A BILLION DOLLARS

HE WANTS TO LAY ON SOME MUSEUM SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES

THAT'S DOING ANYTHING REMOTELY PROGRESSIVE.

BERNARD RIDDLE

IS WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, DEAR.

HE MAY BE OUT OF THE CAC'S LEAGUE,

FRANKLIN,

BUT HE'S CERTAINLY NOT OUT OF MINE.

OKAY, YOU GUYS,

I JUST SAW THE CUTEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

WHAT?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN WITH YOU AND LARA?

NO, I'M JUST NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN, THAT'S ALL.

EASY, DANA. COME ON.

I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE HUMILIATED

OR EMBARRASSED OR ASHAMED

OF ANYTHING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHAT, DID SHE TIE YOU UP AND LEAVE YOU?

NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.

OKAY, OKAY.

I HAVE A FRIEND,

SHE WENT DOWN ON A GIRL, SHE WAS DOWN THERE,

AND SHE SNEEZED. IS THAT IT?

GROSS.

IT WASN'T ME. IT WAS A FRIEND.

SO, WHAT? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

GOD, YOU'RE KILLING ME.

DID YOU QUEEF?

DID I...

SEE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IS THAT...

OKAY, IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE FEMALE EJACULATED.

WELL, MISS DANA.

WOW, THIS LARA MUST BE A KILLER IN BED, HUH?

YEAH...

YEAH, YEAH. SHE...

THAT'S A GOOD THING?

DANA, WOMEN STRIVE FOR THIS.

THEY READ BOOKS ABOUT THE G-SPOT,

THEY GO TO WORKSHOPS.

OH, MY GOD, YOU SHOULD BE TOTALLY AND UTTERLY ECSTATIC.

OH, MY GOD, THERE HE IS.

TELL ME HE'S NOT THE CUTEST GUY YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

OH, LEESE.

HEY.

HOW YOU DOING? HOW ARE YOU?

UM...

THESE ARE MY FRIENDS.

THIS IS ALICE AND THIS IS DANA.

GUYS, THIS IS LISA.

HI.

HI.

[PHONE RINGS]

OH, SHIT.

OH, GOD, IT'S MY MOTHER.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO, MOTHER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE IN L.A.?

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHO IS THAT?

UH-UH. FORGET IT, MAN.

YOU SURE?

YEAH, SHE...

WELL, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE A LESBIAN ANYMORE.

SINCE WHEN?

WELL, SHE WAS DATING

ONE OF THOSE HOT-AND-COLD CHICKS,

AND, WELL,

SHE GOT HER HEART COMPLETELY BUSTED.

NO! I... OKAY.

I CAN'T COME, BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO...

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK

IN, LIKE, HALF AN HOUR.

THAT'S A SHAME...

YEAH.

BUT IT'S NO REASON TO SWEAR OFF BEING A LESBIAN.

I AGREE.

MAYBE I CAN CHANGE HER MIND.

WAIT, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED,

BUT YOU'RE A GUY.

LISA'S A LESBIAN.

I'M A LESBIAN-IDENTIFIED MAN.

I KNOW.

OKAY, WELL, MY MOM'S AT THE PLAZA.

THERE'S BEEN SOME SORT OF MISUNDERSTANDING,

AND SHE'S BEEN HERE FOR FIVE FUCKING DAYS.

WELL, TELL HER I SAID HI.

OH, HEY, IS SHE STILL WITH THAT STUNT GUY?

ASK HER.

BYE, ALICE.

BYE. IT'S... MY MOM...

HEY, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

OKAY, GUYS. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, AL.

BYE, AL.

SWEETIE...

I WAS PLANNING ON CALLING YOU TOMORROW.

OH, IT'S BEEN SO CRAZY.

I'M HERE FOR THE NEW GERARD LICHTMAN FILM,

AND HE'S JUST BEEN

SO DEMANDING OF MY TIME.

DID YOU KNOW HE HAS FIVE STANDARD POODLES?

GERARD LICHTMAN? WOW. REALLY?

OF COURSE, THEY HAVEN'T SET UP THEIR PRODUCTION OFFICES YET.

THE FINANCING IS COMING

FROM SOME AUSTRALIAN BEER CONGLOMERATE,

SO I'M COVERING THE HOTEL MYSELF,

WHICH IS FINE,

EXCEPT THAT I'M HAVING A SLIGHT CASH FLOW PROBLEM AT THE MOMENT,

AND THIS MANAGER IS BEING A TOTAL DICK.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M A HUGE FAN OF DYNASTY.

I LOVED YOU AS ALEXIS.

THANK YOU.

ACTUALLY, I WAS BLAIR IN EMPIRE FALLS.

MORON.

MOM...

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

OH, ALICE, PLEASE, CAN'T YOU

TALK TO HIM FOR ME?

HE'S EXHAUSTED ME.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. STAY HERE.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

[DIALS CELL PHONE]

SO, ALL HER CREDIT CARDS WERE DECLINED?

I'M AFRAID SO.

WE HAVE TO COLLECT. SHE'S OVER OUR LIMIT.

RIGHT, BUT SHE'LL HAVE IT IN, LIKE, A DAY OR TWO.

SHE'S HERE TO BE IN A GERARD LICHTMAN FILM. SO...

REALLY?

I LOVED BLAUNACHT.

IT SHOULD'VE WON THE OSCAR FOR BEST FOREIGN FILM.

RIGHT, AND YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES THEY START THE PAYROLL AFTER PRODUCTION'S STARTED,

AND I'M SURE YOU GUYS DEAL WITH CELEBRITIES

ALL THE TIME, SO...

I KNOW, BUT, UH...

SHE'S AT OUR LIMIT.

RIGHT.

OKAY, I MEAN, I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS.

IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

SO WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?

WELL,

I HAVE A PRINTOUT OF THE BILL.

THE TOTAL COMES TO 5,968.42.

I'M SORRY, YOU SAID...

5,968.42.

DOLLARS?

WILL THAT BE CASH OR CREDIT CARD?

HOW COULD ANYBODY SPEND $5,000 ON A HOTEL ROOM?

WELL, THE SUITE IS $950 A NIGHT...

SHE WAS HERE FOR FIVE DAYS,

THERE WAS ROOM SERVICE,

AND I BELIEVE SHE MADE A FEW PHONE CALLS.

RIGHT.

OH, MOTHER.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I'M GOOD FOR THE MONEY.

I'M NOT SOME SORT OF CON ARTIST.

AS SOON AS THIS JOB COMES THROUGH,

JUST SEND ME THE BILL.

YOU COULD ALWAYS HOCK THOSE PANTS.

AREN'T THEY GREAT?

ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?

[SPORTS SHOW PLAYING ON TELEVISION]

SO, UH...

NICK IS IN TOWN, HUH?

MM-HMM.

HMM.

IT'S THE MLA CONVENTION.

I TOLD HIM THAT WE WERE GETTING MARRIED,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

"CONGRATULATIONS."

REALLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

NICK BARASHKOV

IS, LIKE, THIS PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE

WHO MILKS HIS MINOR LITERARY STATURE

BY FUCKING THESE

IMPRESSIONABLE, YOUNG UNDERGRADS.

OKAY?

YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME SOME MORE CREDIT.

PLEASE?

[CLEARS THROAT]

YOU KNOW THE MEN'S SLALOM'S ON.

I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL NIGHT FOR THIS.

OH, I'M SORRY.

OH.

YEAH, OKAY.

COME ON.

[GASPING AND MOANING]

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M RIGHT... I'M RIGHT HERE.

YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE SOMEPLACE ELSE.

NO.

I'M RIGHT HERE.

REALLY?

YEAH. COME HERE.

IT'S OKAY.

I AM FUCKING DYING OUT THERE.

THESE PHILISTINES

ARE JUST BREAKING MY...

NO. TINA...

YOU INVITED SOMEONE TO DINNER?

I'VE HAD THE WORST FUCKING DAY.

THE LAST THING ON EARTH I WANT TO DO

IS TO HAVE TO MAKE CONVER...

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I CALLED DR. WILSON, AND SHE SAID

WE SHOULD COME IN TOMORROW FOR AN ULTRASOUND,

JUST TO CONFIRM THE RESULTS.

I'M SORRY I WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

I'M SORRY YOU HAD SUCH A BAD DAY.

I'M SURE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

SURE IT WILL.

YEAH.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

WE ARE.

WE ARE.

OH, I LOVE YOU.

I TELL YOU, YOU'RE GOOD WITH YOUR MAMA,

YOU'RE GOOD ALL OVER.

AI, AI, AI.

ALL RIGHT,

JUST GIVE ME A TRIPLE SHOT.

YOU GUYS,

MY MOTHER'S LIVING WITH ME UNTIL HER JOB STARTS,

AND IT'S NOT FUN.

WOW.

WHAT'S WITH MOPEY-PANTS?

WHAT IS IT, DANA?

ARE YOU HAVING EMBARRASSING MULTIPLE ORGASMS NOW?

NO.

IT'S JUST LARA HASN'T CALLED ME,

AND IT'S BEEN, LIKE...

IT'S BEEN 21 HOURS.

WELL, HOW DID YOU LEAVE IT?

I LEFT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING.

FROM YOUR OWN APARTMENT?

I WAS REALLY EMBARRASSED, ALICE.

JAMES, I REALLY DON'T THINK

THEY'RE GOING TO DO THAT.

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,

AND IF THEY DO,

I'LL JUST MAKE A BUNCH OF PHONE CALLS

AND GIVE YOU AN AMAZING RECOMMENDATION,

OKAY?

I LIKE YOUR SCARF.

THIS IS FOR THE BABY.

I MADE IT JUST FOR YOU. CONGRATULATIONS.

I'VE GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW, OKAY?

I WAS EXCITED, AND...

CONGRATULATIONS.

SERIOUSLY, GUYS, IT'S SO AMAZING.

CONGRATS.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHY IS EVERYBODY

CONGRATULATING YOU GUYS?

TINA'S HAVING A BABY.

THEY'RE PREGNANT.

OH, MY GOD. CONGRATULATIONS.

WOW.

WHY AM I ALWAYS

THE LAST TO KNOW THESE THINGS?

THAT'S OKAY, DANA.

I WAS SECOND TO LAST.

CHECK IT OUT.

THIS IS WHERE YOU TAKE THE FLOWER.

COME HERE. I'M SORRY.

SO FUCKING CUTE.

YUCK.

YEAH, WELL,

YOU COULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL SHE LEFT

TO DO THE PREGNANCY TEST,

OR MAYBE YOU WANT ALICE

TO BE YOUR LAMAZE PARTNER, TOO.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW, REALLY,

I'M SURPRISED THAT YOU DIDN'T INVITE HER

TO COME WITH US FOR THE ULTRASOUND.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, I KNOW HOW STRESSED YOU ARE.

I'M TRYING TO LEAVE YOU ALONE,

BUT SOMETIMES I NEED SOMEONE

TO SHARE A MOMENT WITH.

IS THAT REALLY SO WRONG?

[SIGHS]

NO...

IT'S SAD.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, LET'S KEEP IT MOVING.

I'M SO SORRY.

I HAD TO BEG DURST TO MAKE UP MY PHYSICS EXAM...

TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, TRISH.

YOU DON'T COME TO PRACTICE ON TIME,

DON'T BOTHER COMING.

BUT TIM...

WHAT? YOU'RE A GROWN-UP, RIGHT?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY?

ALL THESE WOMEN ARE IN THE WATER ALREADY.

GO ON.

TIM, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

GET HER IN THE WATER, NOW.

WE CAN'T JUST LET HER SET HER OWN SCHEDULE...

TRISH! GET BACK HERE!

GO GET HER.

TRISH...

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

WHAT?

IS THAT WHAT YOU CALLED TO TELL ME?

I CAN'T HEAR THAT RIGHT NOW,

OKAY?

ARE YOU READY?

YEAH.

BYE.

SO WE'LL JUST APPLY

A LITTLE BIT OF LUBRICANT HERE...

AND HERE WE GO.

YOU COMFORTABLE?

ALL RIGHT.

SO THERE'S YOUR LEFT OVARY,

AND THAT LOOKS

LIKE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A FOLLICLE,

AND THERE.

YOU SEE THAT LITTLE HEARTBEAT?

IS THAT OUR BABY?

THAT'S YOUR BABY.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

LEFT ON THIRD.

GERARD IS INSISTING

ON SPENDING THE ENTIRE AFTERNOON WITH ME.

LAST TIME I SAW HIM, MY GOD,

WE TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING.

FILMS THAT INSPIRED HIM

AS A CHILD IN BERLIN,

MY DIVORCE...

IT WAS AS IF WE'D KNOWN EACH OTHER

FOR YEARS.

LEFT! LEFT!

MOM!

I'VE LIVED IN THIS CITY MY WHOLE LIFE.

I KNOW HOW TO GET TO PICO.

GOD.

WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN LATE

IF YOU HADN'T SPENT 50 MINUTES

IN THE BATHROOM.

DO I LOOK OKAY?

YOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU DO.

YOU REALLY DO.

YOU COULD TAKE A LITTLE MORE TIME

WITH YOUR FACE, YOU KNOW.

YOU MIGHT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BY NOW.

[HONKS]

FUCKING FUCKER!

ASSHOLE!

GOD!

JESUS!

KNOCK 'EM DEAD, MOM.

DON'T WORRY SO MUCH.

YOU'RE GETTING THIS BIG WRINKLE.

YOU'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE ERNEST BORGNINE.

[BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAMS]

[VARIOUS VOICEOVERS AND SOUND EFFECTS]

SIGN IN AT THE FRONT DESK.

THEY'LL GIVE YOU SIDES.

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S AN OPEN CALL

FOR THE PART OF MRS. SIMONS,

ALIEN ONE, TWO, AND THREE,

AND TED'S GRANDMOTHER.

CURSE OF THE ROMALIANS,

RETURN TO GONDOR, PART TWO?

IS THIS A LICHTMAN FILM?

GERARD LICHTMAN, THE GERMAN DIRECTOR?

THE DIRECTOR IS MATT FREED.

HE'S 22 AND HE'S FROM PASADENA.

PLUS HE'S A TOTAL ASSHOLE.

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, MAN.

CAN I TALK TO YOU A SECOND?

ABOUT WHAT? TRISH?

YEAH, WELL, LOOK,

TRISH NEEDS SUPPORT RIGHT NOW.

SHE DOESN'T NEED TO BE CHEWED OUT

IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE TEAM.

YEAH?

WELL, I DON'T EITHER.

I'M JUST TRYING TO DO MY JOB.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

LOOK, MAN, I'M SORRY

IF I WAS HARSH OUT THERE,

BUT THIS IS THE REALITY

OF OUR SITUATION.

WITHOUT TRISH PEVERELL,

WE SHOULDN'T BOTHER SHOWING UP NEXT WEEK...

REALLY?

AND ON THAT NOTE,

I GOT AHOLD OF THE PHYSICS MIDTERM

SHE'S GOING TO TAKE ON MONDAY.

THERE IS NO WAY

I'M JUST TURNING THAT TEST OVER TO TRISH.

WOULD YOU RELAX?

NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT CHEATING.

I'M TALKING ABOUT GIVING YOU THE TEST

SO THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO TUTOR HER.

YOU KNOW, WHAT DIRECTION TO LEAD HER IN,

THAT'S ALL.

COME ON.

YOU ARE A TENSE MAN RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THAT?

LISTEN,

WHY DON'T WE GO GET A COUPLE OF BEERS,

CHILL OUT A BIT?

IT'S ON ME.

I CAN'T.

WHAT, YOU AND JENNY GOT PLANS?

JENNY'S GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH ONE OF HER OLD PROFESSORS.

AH.

OH.

WAIT.

NOT THE BLOW JOB ONE?

THE ONE SHE WROTE THAT STORY ABOUT?

OH, HELL, NO.

YOU'RE LETTING YOUR FIANCEE

GO OUT WITH A DUDE

WHOSE DICK'S BEEN IN HER MOUTH?

DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT.

I DON'T OWN HER, ALL RIGHT?

SHE'S HER OWN WOMAN.

NO, SHE'S NOT.

NOT SINCE SHE PUT THAT RING ON HER FINGER

AND SAID YES.

MAN, YOU HAVE GOT TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

NO.

THAT WHOLE CAVEMAN THING, IT'S NOT MY STYLE.

THIS AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH CAVEMAN, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS ABOUT TRUST, PURE AND SIMPLE.

IF YOU DON'T TRUST HER, YOU DON'T MARRY HER.

I'M SORRY TO SOUND SO HARSH, MAN,

BUT THOSE ARE THE RULES OF THE GAME.

I TRUST HER, OKAY?

YEAH.

TALK TO YOU LATER, ALL RIGHT?

HAVE A SEAT.

I'LL FOREGO THE BLINDFOLD.

MS. PORTER,

AS I'M SURE YOU'RE AWARE,

THE POSITION

OF DIRECTOR OF THIS MUSEUM

INVOLVES MORE THAN MERELY PULLING COLLECTIONS OUT OF HATS.

IT INVOLVES IMAGE.

IT INVOLVES RELATIONSHIPS.

OKAY, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF MY STORY.

I'M SO FLATTERED THAT YOU VALUE MY OPINION.

NICHOLAS,

OF COURSE I VALUE YOUR OPINION.

YOU'RE THE MOST...

BRILLIANT, WONDERFULLY SMART EDITOR

THAT I'VE EVER HAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE TIE?

I THINK IT'S FUCKING SLEAZY.

EXCELLENT.

WELL, YOUR STORY...

YES.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW...

I THOUGHT WAS UTTER BULLSHIT FROM BEGINNING TO END.

I MEAN, BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN.

YOU ALWAYS WRITE EXQUISITELY,

BUT...

"SWANS"?

THEY MATE FOR LIFE.

SURE,

AND THEY HAVE BRAINS THE SIZE OF PING-PONG BALLS.

I MEAN, WHERE'S YOUR EDGE, JENNIFER?

WHERE'S YOUR NIHILISTIC PASSION?

WHERE'S THE GIRL THAT MASTURBATED IN CHURCH?

SHH.

I MEAN,

"AND HE WOULD HAVE DIED FOR HER,

AND SHE WOULD HAVE DIED FOR HIM."

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING COMMITMENT, YOU KNOW?

REALLY?

YES.

BECAUSE IT READS LIKE SPACKLE.

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE MARRYING THE COACH,

BUT IF THIS IS MEANT AS A WEDDING PRESENT,

I'D KEEP IT BETWEEN YOU AND HIM,

BECAUSE YOU ARE MORE COMPLEX THAN THIS.

WHAT DID YOU THINK

JUST THEN?

WHERE DID YOU GO?

NOWHERE.

YOU'RE OBFUSCATING.

NOTHING.

LISTEN, JENNIFER.

COMMITMENT IS DREARY.

IT'S NOT YOUR THING.

YOU HAVE TO DIG DEEPER.

TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING.

I'VE BEEN DOING THESE REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS.

WHERE THE HELL

IS THE DIRECTOR'S OFFICE?

THIS PLACE IS LIKE A GODDAMN LABYRINTH.

ANY MOMENT, I EXPECT TO RUN INTO THE MINOTAUR.

YES, WELL, YOU CERTAINLY LOOK LIKE A VERY CAPABLE YOUNG MAN,

WHICH IS FORTUNATE, SINCE I'M RATHER AT YOUR MERCY.

I NEED TO FIND BETTE PORTER OR XANDRA ROSENMAN.

THEY'RE BOTH IN A MEETING.

IN THERE? OH, GOOD.

TAKE THEM FOR A MOMENT, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

GET THEM SOME WATER.

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.

THAT'S A BOARD OF DIRECTORS MEETING, MA'AM.

GET YOUR HAND OFF ME

IF YOU WANT TO GO ON LIVING AND BREATHING.

PEGGY PEABODY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

PEGGY?

XANDRA, I GOT YOUR CALL.

WHAT IS THIS

ABOUT FRANKLIN FIRING BETTE PORTER?

LET ME JUST SAY,

FRANKLIN,

AND ANYONE ELSE

WHO MAY BE INVOLVED IN THIS LITTLE CABAL,

IF YOU FIRE BETTE PORTER,

I'LL HAVE TO RECONSIDER

LENDING MY COLLECTION TO THE CAC.

MS. PORTER

IS FAR AND AWAY

THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON

IN LOS ANGELES

TO PRESIDE OVER AN EXHIBIT LIKE PROVOCATIONS.

I THOUGHT PROVOCATIONS WAS GOING TO MOCA.

WELL, IT'S NOT, FRANKLIN.

IT'S GOING TO YOUR UP-AND-COMING LITTLE MUSEUM,

BUT ONLY

ON ONE CONDITION.

MS. PORTER,

I'LL NEED A GUARANTEE FROM YOU

THAT YOU WILL REMAIN WITH THE CAC,

UNTIL PROVOCATIONS MOVES ON TO THE WALKER

IN THE SUMMER.

WELL, I'M NOT IN A POSITION TO...

MS. PORTER HAS SIX MONTHS

REMAINING ON HER CONTRACT,

PEGGY,

AND WE HAVE EVERY INTENTION OF HONORING IT,

DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT HER BEING FIRED.

WELL, LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT, THEN.

DO YOU HAVE AN OPTION

IN THE CONTRACT?

OF COURSE WE DO.

18 MONTHS, I BELIEVE.

I SUGGEST

YOU EXERCISE IT HERE AND NOW.

BY THE TIME

PROVOCATIONS DEBUTS AT THE CAC,

MS. PORTER WILL ALREADY HAVE BEEN WOOED

BY EVERY MUSEUM

IN THE COUNTRY.

WOW.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

YOU'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN?

NO, NO, NO.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S LOVE.

IT MIGHT BE SORT OF LIKE THIS...

YOU KNOW, FANTASTIC SORT OF, LIKE,

DEMON POSSESSION

SORT OF THING.

OH, STOP IT.

DON'T LOOK SO SHOCKED.

I'M NOT SHOCKED.

I'M SURPRISED. I'M EXCITED.

IT'S EXOTIC AND...

OH, SHUT UP, YOU PERVERT.

DEMON POSSESSION.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S...

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE AND RUN WITH.

WHEN YOU WRITE ABOUT...

WHAT'S HER NAME?

MARINA.

WHEN YOU WRITE ABOUT MARINA,

YOU MUST DIG, YOU MUST DELVE,

YOU MUST OPEN UP AND EVISCERATE EVERYTHING.

YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK WHEN YOU LAY BARE

YOUR REMARKABLE EMOTIONS.

[KNOCKING]

COACH.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

I'M LOOKING FOR JENNY.

I JUST BET YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME SHE'S NOT HERE.

SHE'S NOT HERE.

WE HAD DINNER DOWNSTAIRS,

BUT SHE LEFT 15 MINUTES AGO.

COME IN AND HAVE A LOOK.

I'LL GET YOU A DRINK.

ABSOLUTELY.

BONJOUR.

BONJOUR.

DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE FOR ME?

BUT OF COURSE.

TRES BIEN.

YOU SEE THESE TWO GIRLS OVER THERE?

AND TELL THEM DE LA PART DE MARINA.

WELL, LOOK AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

LET'S CUT THE BULLSHIT, NICK.

LOOK...

JENNY AND I HAVE A PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP,

BUT, UH...

CURRENTLY, IT'S PURELY INTELLECTUAL.

OKAY?

AND COACH...

CONGRATULATIONS.

UH-OH.

HEY.

UH...

OH.

OH.

UM...

THERE'S NO TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES,

'CAUSE TIM IS OUTSIDE

BY THE BAR, SO...

NO, IT'S CROWDED, AND HE'LL NEVER SEE YOU.

COME ON, I'LL COVER YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY.

AAH!

CONGRATULATIONS!

BABY GIRL!

THANK YOU.

SO WHO ALL'S HERE?

OH,

THE USUAL SUSPECTS.

YEAH?

HEY, UM, WHAT DID DAVID HAVE TO SAY?

OH, NOTHING.

NOTHING MUCH.

KIT...

OH...

IT'S JUST FORMS FOR A MEDICAL HISTORY.

YEAH, BUT HE WROTE SOMETHING ON IT.

HE WROTE YOU A LETTER ON A POST-IT?

YEAH.

"DEAR KIT, I HOPE YOU ARE WELL.

"I NEED SOME FAMILY MEDICAL HISTORY

"FOR MY APPLICATION TO A RESIDENCY PROGRAM.

"I'VE ENCLOSED A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE

"FOR YOU TO SEND THE FORMS.

"GRANDFATHER TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE

"IN A 12-STEP PROGRAM,

"AND I WANT TO OFFER YOU

"MY SUPPORT IN THAT ENDEAVOR.

"I WISH YOU SUCCESS

"WITH THE POSITIVE CHANGES YOU ARE MAKING IN YOUR LIFE.

YOUR SON, DAVID WATERS."

I'M SORRY.

HEY. YOU KNOW, I...

I WASN'T AROUND TO TEACH HIM HOW TO WRITE A LETTER.

YOU'RE HERE!

HEY.

HEY.

COME ON.

I'M OKAY. GO ON. GO ON OUT THERE.

I'LL BE OUT THERE IN A MINUTE.

BRAVA!

THE CONQUERING HEROINE!

THANK YOU.

CHEERS, BABY.

IT'S JUST ONE SIP.

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

FOR US.

FOR US.

"I'M ABRAXAS,

THE DEMON OF LIES AND DECEIT."

"SO...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LIES, MY DEAR?"

"I'M NOT A LIAR."

I TRY AGAIN TO GET UP.

THIS TIME I'M FLAYED,

SPLAYED.

I FEEL MYSELF SCREAMING.

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT LIES.

THERE ARE WHITE LIES AND BLACK LIES

AND MANY SHADES OF GREY LIES.

SOME LIES ARE JUSTIFIED...

LIES TOLD OUT OF KINDNESS.

LIES THAT PRESERVE DIGNITY.

I HAVEN'T HAD

A SINGLE BIT OF WORK DONE.

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

LIES THAT SPARE PAIN.

35?

MAYBE 40?

EVERYBODY'S A LIAR, DEAR.

LOOK AT THAT ONE.

SHE'S ABOUT TO TELL HER LOVER

SOMETHING PATENTLY UNTRUE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT WHATEVER HAD HAPPENED TONIGHT

IN THAT BOARD MEETING,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE.

LOOK AT THEIR GESTURES.

SEE HOW THEY TOUCH EACH OTHER TOO INTIMATELY?

HOW THEY AVERT THEIR EYES AND COVER THEIR MOUTHS?

THEY LICK THEIR TEETH

AND HOLD THEIR CHINS.

THEY EMBELLISH THEIR STORIES WITH FAR TOO MUCH DETAIL.

ANYWAY, I WAS SHOOTING THIS FILM

WITH TRUFFAUT AND ANOUK AIMEE,

AND I HAD THIS BIG SCENE

WITH HER LOVER IN THE FILM,

AND OF COURSE, THAT DAY

ANOUK SHOWS UP ON THE SET,

BUT I DON'T CARE,

BECAUSE I KNOW

EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH THE SCENE,

AND AT THE END OF THE SCENE,

I HAVE MY BIG CLOSE-UP,

AND OF COURSE, EVERYTHING HAPPENS.

MY GOD,

THE EMOTION COMES UP, I CHASE IT AWAY,

I BRING IT BACK,

IT'S RICH, IT'S FULL, IT'S SUBTLE,

AND AT THE END OF THE TAKE,

TRUFFAUT TURNS TO ANOUK AND SAYS,

"ZAT IS THE WAY YOU SHOULD ACT."

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

YOU'RE WORKING.

YEAH.

NICK WAS SUCH A POMPOUS ASS.

HE RIPPED ME TO SHREDS.

I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

NO, IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ONTO SOMETHING.

RIGHT.

WELL, I'LL, UH...

LEAVE YOU TO IT.

TIM...

CAN YOU STAY HERE WITH ME?

[♪♪♪]