All language subtitles for Daniel_Sloss_HUBRIS_2024[_77373]

Ladies nd gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Daniel Sloss.

How you doing Glasgow?

Good. It's nice to be here. It's nice to mean that.

I've said it's nice to be here a lot in the last 18 months,

and I've rarely f*cking meant it.

I dunno how your job was during pandemic,

but I bet nobody asks you to do it in a f*cking car park.

I got to go to Australia earlier this year, got

to go over there, and a lot of Australians were very angry.

Very angry that I was allowed to go over.

But Australia's good. It's Melbourne.

that's the clitoris of Australia.

It's the clitoris. It's fun, but needlessly sensitive and,

and it's dangerously close to being sh*t.

Uh, I did a two week

quarantine in Sydney in March to get into Australia.

And when I got to Melbourne, they were like,

ha ha Sloss, heard about your little f*cking quarantine.

14 days of isolation must be difficult.

Not what we've gone through here in Melbourne.

We had a three month lockdown.

Do you know how difficult that was?

Do you know where I just f*cking came from?

Why didn't you go tell Oscar Pistorius

that you stubbed your f*cking toe?

Honestly, Oscar, I walk into the living room

and the coffee table, it's where it always is.

It's not moved, but I just knack my little toe just off the,

and you know how the little toe's,

the worst one to hit Oscar?

You know, that's the worst one.

It's like the balls of your feet. It's the worst.

I'm there. I'm in agony. I'm on the floor.

I'm shouting on my girlfriend. You won't believe it.

She doesn't come and get me.

Can you imagine what I went through, Oscar?

Why are you crying?

The reason I like being back here doing comedy here is

because I know what upsets us, right?

I know the the minefield in Scotland, right?

Everyone is offended by something. Right?

That's the difficult thing to get across in comedy.

You have every right to be offended

by anything I say this evening.

People are allowed to be offended by jokes.

I'm just allowed not to care. Right? But I do care.

I do care. I don't wanna offend you. That's not why.

Don't think I'm here to upset you.

I'm here to make you laugh.

I need that more than you'd f*cking believe.

It keeps me alive.

My job as a comedian is to find out where the line is

and then move the line

and then gaslight you into thinking that's

where the line always was.

And that I've done nothing wrong.

I'm just a victim of cancel culture. Wah!

But I promise you, I'm just here to make you laugh.

And it's fun in Scotland because I know

what upsets Scottish people and I know what doesn't.

And everyone is offended by something.

And I'm mean everyone, right?

Don't listen to these big bald gammon c*nts that'll f*cking

walk around lecturing you on weaker generations.

They don't make 'em like me anymore.

They don't make 'em like me.

This f*cking snowflake generation offended by anything

with their f*cking pronouns offended by anything.

Not me. Not a hard man like me.

My granddad was in the f*cking war.

Burn the Union Jack in front of him.

Let's,

Let's see who gets offended by stupid sh*t.

And I don't say that to disparaging him.

He's allowed to be offended by that.

But you don't get to claim brrrr.

Everyone is offended by something, right? It's the game.

I, I love going to new places to find out what upsets them

and how to, how to play that.

Um, I like when I go to America

and I make fun of America a lot, but it is very fun to gig.

And it's just very different to here.

'cause they get offended by sh*t

that nobody gets offended by here.

It's the certain country I've been to where most

of the adults will be sincerely offended by swear words.

Right? And I mean more, if it's not most,

it's at least 50% adults who can vote and pay taxes

and buy guns to shoot teenagers with

are offended by swear words.

And as a Scottish person that fascinates me

to be offended by 30% of language is,

it's to set yourself up to be sad every day.

Like you might as well just leave Lego

outside your own bedroom door at that point, if that's

how easily upset you want to be every day.

Naaaargh... But it fascinates me.

Why are the Americans more offended

by swearing than anyone else in the world?

And it's because they f*cking suck at it.

The Americans are so bad at swearing.

They're the worst at cursing in the entire world.

So much so they don't even call it cursing.

They call it cussing

because they're bad when it comes to hard Rs.

So they can't say cursing.

They're just, they're just not,

and not being good at something

that really goes against the American national identity,

which is despite all evidence to the contrary,

we're the best at everything.

They like being number one.

It gives them the hug that their dad never did.

Makes them feel f*cking strong. They need to be good.

That's why they shout about it all the time.

Greatest country in the world, greatest president in the world,

greatest army in the world,

highest death rates in schools in the world.

They've got to have that number one position.

You gotta f*cking want it

nNw.

It's not their fault that they suck at swearing. English.

swear words were never designed for the American accent.

English swear words were designed for guttural accents.

Scottish, Irish, Australian.

And as much as it pains me to admit it,

the English are quite good at swearing.

It's all about vowels.

Vowels have to be short in swear words.

It's conducive to their functionality, right?

Listen to how I swear. F*ck sh*t, c*nt.

Look at that. In less than a second

I got three of the heavy hitters out. You barely even noticed.

I'd have to do a slow mo replay of that.

And you'd be like, oh, he did

M*therf*cker, p*ss, wank.

You see how quickly those roll of the tongue,

my swear words never dominate a sentence.

They're never the focal point of what I'm trying to say.

They're just flavouring.

They spice up my chat. Swearing,

well, as a Scottish person, is a lot like having a drum kit

backing up your rant.

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Sh*t. F*ck, f*ck. Sh*t. F*ck.

Motherf*cker, motherf*cker, motherf*cker.

P*ss, p*ssing bastard, p*ssing bastard. Sh*t.

Sh*t. F*ck c*nt, c*nt

P*ss. It's musical

and it's rhythmic

and it just, it,

it adds a little je nest ce quoi to the conversation.

But in America,

they don't shorten down their vowels.

They elongate their vowels

because they sing everything, because they're happy.

Because they're,hmmm,

and it means when they swear it sounds f*cking rancid.

Why don't you f*ck off assh*le? Oh,

What is that?

Oh, that was him trying to offend you. Huh?

It f*cking worked.

You're being a real twot.

Oh, um, it's uh, it's tw*t.

You c*nt. It's tw*t.

It rhymes with hat. It rhymes with cat. Tw*t.

Twot, interestingly enough, not a swear word.

Not even close to a swear word. Twot is a rejected Telly

Tubby. I don't know why you are dead naming him at this

point after he became Po.

What is this?

The Americans have this very binary black

and white understanding of swearing,

like swearing is associated with anger.

So if you swear in front of a lot of Americans,

they'll assume you're raging as opposed

to just f*cking talking.

Catches me off guard. I'll be sat down

with some American friends.

They say something interesting that surprises me. F*ck off!

And they will,

leaving in tears to fetch their gun.

It's why the word c*nt is so offensive in America,

because to them the word c*nt only has one meaning. And that

one meaning is vagina.

Gross, yuck, sexist sh*t.\'a0

They don't even know that that word can mean child.

It's such a crucial but fundamental misunderstanding

of one Of the most fluid words that we

have in our arsenal.

A tree can be a c*nt if you hate it enough.

I've had cars that were

c*nts. That's why I like

our swearing.

I love how creative we get with swearing in this country.

Just making sh*t up all the time. Words are fluid.

The word tw*t, right?

I love the word tw*t because in Scotland it's got three

separate meanings by my last count. You can have a tw*t.

if you're a lady, that's you. That's what that is.

It's also another name. You can be a tw*t.

That's a stupid or annoying person.

There's at least one backstage. It's also a verb

You can tw*t someone

In this country, the

sentence I twatted the tw*t

in the tw*t,

grammatically makes sense.

Like you could write that down in an English exam

and they would have to mark

it correct.

They wouldn't want to,

but they'd be bound by the laws of Shakespeare.

That is an important thing to point out, by the way,

is this show here is just jokes.

It's all it is. It's all that.

It's just, expect nothing more

and you'll get nothing less.

It's just f*cking jokes

Because it's hard to talk about the f*cking pandemic.

'cause it was so sh*t and it was so long

and we all went through the same stuff.

I got so angry at points. I got so happy at points.

You could just get f*cking depressed.

I got passionate about things I never thought

I'd get f*cking passionate about.

I stood outside every Thursday

like a f*cking mug.

The neighbours are doing it.

I'm fixing the NHS. That's what I'm doing. I'm fixing it.

This gives them money. But it is like, it's like,

when Bono clicked his fingers and an African died.

Every time I do this,

some covid c*nt just gets over

their cold. It's class.

That's what the news said.

P*issed me off watching Boris Johnson doing it though.

That did my nut in. Every Thursday, Bojo

standing outside, Number 10 being like, f*cking hell.

What an impossible job. What an impossible job.

If only there was something somebody could

do to make this easier.

For every one of you lovely,

brave soldiers on the front line.

It's unbelievable what you're all going through.

Aren't they brave? Aren't they brave? I think they are.

No, honestly, you all deserve a raise.

But I just don't know the guy who does that.

And if it were up to me, which is you know,

if it were up to me, we'd find out why

the NHS was in such shambles. And you're just there

Going Motherf*cker\'a0

you, you did it.

You and your f*cking team. The Tories

clapping the NHS would be like

Auschwitz having Ice Cream

Tuesdays.

Just

every Tuesday they open one of the gates

and they ring a bell and they go

Ice cream for ze Jews,

ice cream for ze Jews,\'a0 come on Juden,

come and have a 99. We have ze flakes.

Come on. What do you mean\'a0

I am being evil? I am am ze one feeding

zem.

Look how hungry ze children are.

And I'm giving zen ze ice cream.

How much he gobbles it up with the sprinklesand ze

Chocolate sauce. Ice cream for ze Jews!

We are not releasing that joke anywhere.

Look, I don't believe in comedians being canceled, right?

So, and I'll clarify that statement, right?

Regular people like you scumbags can be canceled.

Something you said 10,

15 years ago in social media when you were a different

person, you can be brought up now, held to account compared

to you now, and they can pretend that you haven't grown

as a human being and then you can be fired from your job

and lose your wife or kids or whatever.

That absolutely 100% happens.

But what happens is when comedians are canceled,

when they're canceled, it's

because a joke of theirs is taken out context.

You miss the tone of the room, you miss the setup.

You miss the punchline. You miss all

the things that make a joke,

a joke. It's taken out of context.

Even in context,

Ice cream for the Jews

isn't that great.

Like, I dunno how I defend it on Newsnight.

So Mr. Sloss, thank you very much

for coming on Newsnight in your black turtleneck sweater.

A lot of our audience at home haven't

seen your so-called comedy.

Any chance you could regale them with the punchline?

Uh oh, certainly.

Um, I would yell ice cream for ze Jews,

Uh, for 20 to 30 seconds,

depending on the audience response.

One time I got it to 45 seconds in Glasgow.

And that was, that was pretty cool.

That was, and I don't know whether it's

because they love ice cream or they,

or whether they hate the Tories.

Every one of you, every f*cking one of you had your tail

tucked between your f*cking legs.

Don't say Jews. Don't say Jews.

And uh, and I, I did it in an accent that started German,

but uh, for some reason ended up French.

And if I'm being honest, I think artistically, that's

because I always struggle with ze chocolate sauce.

I just think that's impossible

to not say in a French accent.

I'm not here to upset you.

I always say some pretty sh*tty things,

but I say them for the sake of comedy.

Always in the search of comedy.

Laughter's my favourite thing in the entire world.

I find it to be such a beautiful response,

such a joyous response.

Why do we laugh? Why do we do that?

What's the f*cking point? Fortunately,

scientists have done a lot of research on laughter.

Uh, because I think cancer was getting too hard.

It just won't stop.

There's so much of it.

I might have to change my degree to Giggles

and LOLS, if that's okay.

because this is making me very sad.

Scientists have discovered that the lowest form of animal,

the lowest species that is actually capable of laughter, uh,

is a Scottish Tory.

But after that, it's after that.

No! Cheap,

lazy political point

scoring

Lazy, lazy, Lazy sh*t.

Bad comedian. But

the answer is rats.

Rats are capable of laughter.

Turns out, if you flip a rat onto its back

and you tickle its belly, the rat will let a

little high pitch squeaks.

Like,\'a0 [squeak, squeak, squeak] and that's a rat's version of laughter.

And the scientist is just there like, I've got a degree.

Can't believe I ever wasted my life on cancer.

This is sick. Who's a tickly little rodent? [squeak, squeak, squeak]\'a0

And they're fascinated by this response.

The fact that rats can laugh means it's not

exclusive to human beings.

Other creatures can laugh.

Therefore, there has to be some sort

of evolutionary reason to this process.

What is that? They deduced

that any other time a rat's on its back

and something is scratching at its belly.

That's a f*cking death sentence.

That is the worst case scenario.

That is a big giant monster just

tearing out its insides and the rat's just dead.

But in this moment, what tickling actually is,

is it's a safe version of the normally dangerous thing.

It's a safe violation. Essentially.

If this was real, oh

god, no. Ah,

But it's not. So

Hee hee. And

that's the essence of laughter.

If this horrible thing was real, it would be awful.

But it's not, so giggles.

And when I read that article, I was like, that is my sense

of humour in a nutshell.

And not my good sense of humour, not the one I display

to you, but my regular everyday sense

of humour is I love saying the wrong thing to people.

I love to test the boundaries of our relationship.

Two of my closest friends in the world are gay.

Hold your applause. I know I'm a saint.

What can I say? I'm just so f*****g liberal.

Just so f*cking woke. Two poofs doesn't bother me.

Doesn't bother me, doesn't bother me. I watch them kiss.

Doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me.

They don't know I'm doing. It doesn't bother me.

Now, they've been gay for ages, probably their whole lives.

I've not asked. I wasn't there when they made the decision.

But for 10 years I knew them.

They weren't allowed to get married

because they lived in Australia.

And Australia didn't recognise gay marriage,

even though there was\'a0 f*cking heaps of it.

And about two years ago, they finally got

to send me their wedding invite

after Australia had a little plebiscite public vote

that legalised gay marriage.

I welled up when their post came in the mail, their invite.

Rhys and Kyron would like to invite you to their special day.

Ah, and I RSVP'd, no, because that's an abomination.

And that's not

in my defense,

they were meant to get married in March last year,

and then god sent a plague.

So while I'm saying is,

occasionally, not all the time,

but occasionally it does happen that I get described

as an intellectual comedian.

And let's snip that in the f*cking bud.

I am not an intellectual comedian, okay?

If you find my comedy intelligent

that says more about your state of mind

than it does about mine, don't drag me down to your level.

I know what I am. And that's a rat

with a f*cking microphone.

I wish I had a smart sense of humor. I don't.

I laugh at horrible sh*t. Like, you know those times

where something funny happens

and the laugh for you last for 30 seconds,

but the shame of laughing

stays with you for a very long time.

Couple of years ago,

somebody fell over in the middle of the street, right

on the road. They were over the age of 80.

You had a little giggle. And then two

years later, you're in the shower.

Like, oh, I don't think a good

person would've laughed at that.

She died

Last January,

I had, uh, my girlfriend moved in

because, um, well, I mean, in all honesty,

I thought we were gonna be on tour for nine months.

Can I move in?

Sure, you can, keep it clean. Love you.

We had a good start living together. It was great.

I mean, it was, we were in that like doe-eyed stage

of a relationship where, you know,

you don't see the flaws in each other

because you're too busy licking each other's genitals

and you're just happy

and you're like, oh, this will be it forever.

And we were enjoying it. Like one day,

like the idiot she is, she's like, I love you

unconditionally.

Unconditionally.

You are not my mom. Sit down.

But alright, let's play a game.

I wanna test how unconditional, unconditional is.

Now, the good thing about my girlfriend, my fiance, is

that she does, for some reason, reasons only known to her,

loves me truly for who I am on the inside.

She loves me, for me. There is one bit

of my personality that, that she doesn't like.

And it's my least favourite part about myself too.

And it's my arrogance. Sometimes, especially in recent years,

I can be very arrogant because things go well for me.

And then I get caught up in my own hype.

And I like the smell of my own sh*t.

And it's very unendearing.

Sometimes I try to like play up to my arrogance.

But being self-aware about your deepest flaws

and doing nothing about them doesn't make you smart.

It just makes you more of an unprogressive piece of sh*t.

So, but what I'm like, all right,

unconditionally, let's play a game.

Oh, I love you baby. I love you unconditionally too.

It's so good living with you for the past couple months.

It's been so good, so good that I can't bear

to spend a moment without you.

So much so that I've looked over the finances and

because things have been going so well. For me.

If you don't want to work anymore,

you don't have to work anymore.

Daddy's got it covered.

In fact, by my calculations, if you want to stay at home

and be a good little house b*tch,

I can make those dreams come true.

And I haven't seen her since,

but apparently she's very happy.

She, she's still there.

She didn't, she didn't react in the way I wanted,

but she didn't, well, she knows me.

She was just like, did that amuse you?

They say you can't tickle yourself,

but I just did.

And I thought that was very amusing.

How do you feel about the term house b*tch?

I'd rather not read into it if I'm being honest.

Well, I get the stupid point that you're trying to make.

I understand your little argument,

but to have an adult conversation with you, no,

I'm gonna keep my job because I like it.

My co-workers are fun. I worked hard to get it.

I work hard at it.

It's nice having nine hours of the day away from you,

you f*cking narcissist.

But most importantly, now that we live together

and share this home, I just like being able

to help contribute to the household.

And that's fair. Of course, it's fair.

And it's one of the many, many reasons why I love her.

And she does help contribute to the household, you know,

in the same way that giving a child a smaller shopping

trolley helps you shop.

What have you got there?

Oh, Coco Pops.

Thank god I brought my little helper.

Couldn't have done it without you.

That was me in January last year.

And then in March, I became violently unemployed.

Oh boy did I become unemployed

and I didn't handle any of it well.

I didn't handle any of the lockdowns well.

It turns out all of my confidence,

all of my self-worth and all of my ego comes from the love

and approval of strangers

and to you all f*cked off.

And I've never learned how to make myself feel that way.

She's got a work from home job.

She's having the time of her life. She's like, la, la, la.

Hey, hey, hey, Hey, hey.

Fill the void.

I need you to give me the love of a thousand strangers.

You're in a Zoom meeting, I'm so sorry to bother you.

I'll just go smoke some marijuana on a beanbag

that'll help my mental health.

Oh, I'm f*cking worthless.\'a0

And while I was in that beanbag smoking weed every day

feeling sorry for myself, she would've been well,

well within her rights to find me moping and be like,

Who's the house b*tch now,

motherf*cker. Huh? Huh.

Oh, Coco Pops. Coco pops.

Thank god for coco pops.

But she didn't do that

because she's a better person than I am.

Right? She understands

that sometimes jokes have consequences,

whether you like them

or not, they affect someone else's confidence in themself.

She held it back. She's just like,

she's got higher levels of empathy.

That's what she's got. And that's why I believe

in the future, when women take over,

if they want to be a sexist to us, as we've been

to them for the past

couple of years,

let's meet somewhere in the middle and say four,\'a0

if they wanna be as sex as us as we've been to them,

they're allowed to be. 10 years down the line.

I'm at home. Four screaming kids.

We've only got three, but I can't seem

to work out which one the friend is.

Okay, I guess we're having a sleepover. Yay.

Play some FIFA 32 with 'em.

Give them some beans on toes.

Stick 'em in bed with a bedtime story.

A couple of hours later, she comes in. Where the f*ck?

Where the f*ck have you been?

You don't call, you don't text, you don't hologram.

The future's fun. Oh,

here he is, nag, nag, nag.

The second I get in the door, straight in my bloody ear,

I don't even have my heels off my f*cking feet.

Oh, you've been drinking, have you? And don't lie to me.

I can smell the Malibu on your breath.

Come on. I'm not like that. Get away from me. You stink.

Oh, come on. It's not gonna lick itself. Come on.

You are a disgrace.

Just go back to sleep. Just go back to sleep. Mummy,

Mummy's just being silly.

Mummy's just had too much silly juice.

She'll be fine in the morning. She'll be fine.

I love you all very, very much.

I go to bed in a huff.

She stumbles in 10 minutes later. I pretend to be asleep.

She starts slapping her t*ts off my back.

She calls that the wandering octopus.

Eventually I concede. She gets on top.

She rides me passionless for two

and a half minutes, gets hers, rolls

off, queefs, falls asleep.

I've got to go to the bathroom to finish myself off,

afterwards on the phone crying to my dad.

You won't believe what she's done. Your

Mother was the same, may she rot in

hell.

I do love it here. I love it.

I love, I'm very proud of being Scottish.

I get to travel a lot. And I love that.

And I obviously now we can't, all, I say we can't travel.

You can't travel. I can. Very talented.

We've discussed this. If I could make a recommendation

for someone for you to visit, once this is all over, eh,

put Japan to the top of your list.

Japan is such a phenomenal place.

I never, never in my life thought I'd get to go,

let alone to do comedy.

But me and Kai went out

to perform in Tokyo about two or three years ago.

And it's so different.

It's so very, very different in wonderful ways.

But it's a huge culture shock.

The main thing is, is how friendly they are.

And not like friendly like Glasgow is,

which is like, do you wanna see a back alley?

It's legit. They're legitimately friendly people.

The Japanese are so friendly,

the friendliest people I've ever met in my life.

And that's because they know what they did.

And they're sorry.

Unlike us, they're taught their own history.

They're like, yeah, we were little rascals.

F*cking got 'em though.

One of the biggest differences I noticed,

at least publicly, was their sense of stoicism.

There was a real sense of not wanting to betray too much

of your emotions, at least in a public setting.

Now, I don't know if that was just a front that they put on

for Westerners, but

because I'm a westerner, it's the only front I saw.

But there was a real sense of, you keep your emotions

to yourself, you're nice, you're polite,

and even if you're going through a bad time,

that's nobody else's problem.

It's yours. You contain it.

And that's why they find Westerners so weird.

'Cause we don't do that. We've got the subtlety

of golden retrievers to them.

We run around being like, that building's so big, it's

so cool, but my phone's dead.

Oh no. And they're just like,

please contain yourselves.

This is a public space.

And smiles are only for your firstborn.

Whatever the Japanese decide to do,

they instantly become one of the best in the world at it.

Because their commitment to the process is second to none.

Japanese whisky is outstanding.

And the reason it's outstanding is

because 50 to a hundred years ago, when they first,

it was less than a hundred,

but more than 50, when they first started distilling

whisky, they wanted to keep it so close

to our original process that they imported barrels

and water over from Scotland.

They didn't use Japanese water.

They flew our water over

because that's how close

to the process they wanted to keep it.

And obviously as Scottish people, one of the weirdest bits

of national pride we have is our f*cking water.

It's the weirdest,

it's the Weirdest bit of national pride.\'a0

Your friend comes up from Newcastle

and you go, here, here, try that.

Try it. Free, free. So it is aye, aye.

Clear as day. You f*cking wanks.

The Japanese understood that. They brought our water over

to make their own whisky.

And that's why now Japan is almost surpassing Scotland when

it comes to whisky production.

And that's why me

and Kai went over to have a f*cking

word. Whisky.

F*cking whisky. Do you see us over there making good food?

No, you don't. Stay in your f*cking lane.

Sorry. Is this yours too? I apologise. Sorry.

I thought. There's one part of Tokyo,

uh, where there are 200 whisky bars within

500 meters of each other.

And that is not an exaggeration.

Every whisky bar has a capacity of two to six people.

Each whisky bar is about five feet wide and 15 feet deep.

They're side by side, stacked, three tall.

You kind of just get your own little bar to yourself.

It's very cool.

But me and Kai didn't wanna drink whisky, just the two

of us because that's what we do on the rest of the tour.

That's what we do when we are in Hull.

No need to do it in Tokyo.

And the best way to find out about a new

place is to drink with a local.

So we walk into one, uh, whisky bar

and there's six Japanese businessmen there.

Now, I don't want to judge these men

because they were very, very kind to us.

But when we walked in, they did assume

that we were not Japanese.

I don't know how they did it. I think it was Kai's accent.

But they saw us and they

were like, oh, you're not from here.

And then they kicked out two stools

and invited us to sit with them.

They put a bottle of whisky down at the table

and they started speaking to us in their second,

maybe even third language.

Now it was broken English that they spoken in,

but it's way better than no f*cking Japanese

like me and Kai spoke.

They were like, hey, how are you on these conversations?

But it kind of eventually

after five minutes, descended into a game

of whisky charades.

Like they'd point at an object, say the Japanese word

for it, and then point to us.

And then we would butcher the pronunciation of that word

and they'd go, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And then we'd have to do a shot of whisky.

And then we'd point at the same object.

I would make Kai say the Geordie word for it, point at them.

They would butcher the pronunciation of that

and we'd go, ha ha.

And they'd have to do a shot of whisky.

And that was 25 minutes of our lives.

Now, after a bit, they wanted to go back to not having

to translate the conversation in their own head.

They start talking amongst themselves, except for one guy

who clearly wanted to practice his English

on us. What do you do?

What's your jobs? Oh, uh, we are,

uh, comedians.

Comedy, comedy, uh, jokes stand-up.

How do you, how do you mime stand up? It's like clown.

No, that, that's not gonna work.

A microphone, that doesn't look right.

Um, how do we, how do I let 'em know? We could have sex

with him without his consent?

No. Okay. Okay. Um. Couldn't work out how to do it.

Fortunately, when he was bored of our conversation,

he got his phone out and I saw on his phone he had Netflix.

And I'm on Netflix, not to brag, but to brag.

And what better way to explain to someone

what my profession is than to just show them

what my profession is.

So I take his phone, type Daniel Sloss into Netflix,

press play, hand it to him.

And at this point I discovered that there is one emotion

that the Japanese cannot suppress. One emotion

that completely trumps their stoicism.

It goes straight from their heart, right to their face.

Zero filter. Shock or surprise.

If you can catch a Japanese person off guard, it is one

of the purest emotions

that you can evoke from your fellow human beings.

And it is grade A uncut MWAH!

I take his phone, I type in Daniel Sloss,

I hand the phone

and I swear to f*cking God, this is his reaction. Hubwaar!

And I know, and if I'm exaggerating that reaction,

lock me up and throw away the f*cking key.

But I cannot express to you how much I am underplaying that

out of respect, man.

I have never seen a reaction.

Like it was nought to six. Hubwaar! It was so quick

and so juxtaposed to how he'd been

for the rest of the conversation.

I grabbed Kai's thigh.

And Kai was like, yeah, yeah, no, I saw it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No,

of course we're gonna make him do it again.

That's, that's the game now.

His friend beside him

who hadn't been privy to the conversation,

but clearly saw the exclamation mark flashing

above his friend's head, he turns around

and he's like, what's all that about?

He shows his friend the phone and his friend goes, Hubwaar!

and I'm like, oh my gosh, they all do it.

And that's enough for me. I'm white. Two's enough.

That's enough. My culture is making generalisations.

I just, and, and, and not about, man

I cannot express to you, and you as an audience,

you've been fantastic. But Hubwaar! sh*s all over laughter

as a reaction.

If laughter is cocaine, then Hubwaar! is f*cking....

Like they passed the

phone down the line of friends

that we spent the evening with. Hubwaar!Hubwaar!Hubwaar!Hubwaar!\'a0

It's like a Mexican, sorry, a Japanese wave.

Millions dead.

What the Americans did to those two cities

on those two days all those years ago

was obviously barbaric.

Would've liked to have been there though.

Just to see the reaction.

7:00 AM a cold, for now,

winter's morning.

It's a dressing down, you f*cking racists.

Hubwaar! I'm not gonna go there. Now to those of you upset by

that joke, yes.

Not only are your feelings valid, I think they're correct.

I'm not gonna be one of these edge-lord comedians who's

like, oh, oh, why are you so offended?

I picked up a baby. I know what I did.

I'm very aware of every ingredient that made

that particular sh*t sandwich.

very difficult to swallow. But here's the thing, right?

When that horrible, unnecessary, cruel,

but silly joke crossed my mind, the first thing I said

to myself was, I have to tell that joke in Tokyo.

Right? That's gotta be the.. .f*ck off with your faux offence.

Like it's not a real offence. I don't respect it.

It is worse for me not to tell that joke in Tokyo.

Infinitely worse, infinitely. If I'm willing to tell

that joke everywhere else in the world,

which I clearly f*cking am, I have

to be able to tell the joke there.

In fact, if that's the one audience that I don't tell it to,

then it's suspicious.

Then that's some part of my subconscious admitting

that maybe it is personal.

Maybe there's, it is some ill intent

or maliciousness that I'm going after.

It's not, it's just a joke. It's just a joke.

And if I believe from my heart that it's just a joke,

I should have the common courtesy

to say it to their f*cking faces.

Now here's the thing, and pardon the pun,

but had the joke bombed,

Had had a thousand Japanese people

going, whoa, hey, what the f*ck? Habwaar!

No, no, no, it's not.

Had a thousand Japanese people gone, oh, what do you do?

We get what you were trying to do.

But that tragedy's just a little bit

too close to home for us.

The punchline doesn't justify it.

The setup enough that upset us. Had that happened,

I probably would've never told the joke again.

And that isn't censorship, by the way.

That's just empathy and learning.

And it's an artistic choice.

As a comedian, you get

to choose which audience you cultivate

and you get some hard decisions.

Sometimes you'll do a joke

and then a group of people afterwards will come up to you

and they'll be like, Hey, we were offended by that.

And you'll go, oh f*ck. I wasn't trying to offend you.

I was trying to offend them, but now you mention it,

I can understand how my use

of language maybe incorporated you's.

Maybe I'll change the language involved.

Or if it still upsets you, I'll just drop the joke.

'cause I don't wanna lose you as fans.

And then other times people go, Hey,

we were offended by that joke.

And you go, good. I hope you die.

I couldn't even believe when you were a fan of mine.

I saw you walk in. And I was like, Ugh. So

that's the best case scenario.

And neither's right, neither's wrong.

It's about what audience you want for yourself.

And I hate to play this card

'cause I hate people that play this card,

but is importantly, you know, for the context of

of this joke, when I told that joke in Tokyo,

it f*cking killed it.

It f*cking, I mean, there's no good way of saying this,

which is, isn't a pun, but it blew the room apart.

People lost their minds. They laughed so hard.

They were frozen in place.

It's just silhouettes

of them guffawing on the back of the comedy club.

They love they f*cking, especially the Habwaar! bit.

I have never had a reaction, like it.

The first time I did the Habwaar! bit in Tokyo,

they were like, what

else do we do?

I'm not falling for that one.

I've lost too many friends to an Asian impression

And to anyone that got sensitive

through any part of that joke.

I don't mind that sensitivity.

I think that sensitivity comes from a really good place.

I just think it's applied incorrectly.

That sensitivity comes from people not wanting

to feel like we're punching down in comedy,

not wanna feel like we're politically,

people are making fun of other cultures

that can't stand up for themselves.

And I think that's an inherently good thing.

I just don't think it's your job

to be offended on somebody else's behalf.

I actually find that to be incredibly condescending.

I think there's nothing, if you wanna talk about the epitome

of white privilege,

I think it's like you're too stupid to be offended.

I'll do it. No, no. Honestly, you work.

I've got not much else on.

So you, but

again, to be anyone upset but anybody.

I-I-I-I-I like that sensitivity.

It's just another important thing for the context

of this joke that you really do have to remember is

that the, the Japanese are racist

as f*ck. The Japanese

are an immensely racist people.

We just don't know they're being racist

because they're doing it in a language

that we can't be bothered to learn.

And their racism is different from our racism

and that's why we don't hear about it.

Right? They're not particularly racist towards white people,

but they do say some pretty funny things about us.

I was asking my promoter in Tokyo, I was like,

what's like a stereotype you guys have about white people?

You all smell like milk.

What? I didn't even know milk had a smell.

Yeah, you wouldn't

F*cking touche. You've nailed me there.

Uh, they do have racism towards people of colour.

Of course that racism exists there.

But that racism exists everywhere in the world.

But it's not their main form of racism.

Their main form of racism is against the Chinese.

The Japanese hate the Chinese.

They ff*cking hate them.

And as white people, that confuses us.

Really? You guys don't see eye to eye?

Oh f*ck, f*ck no. F*ck. Sorry.

No, I didn't mean like that.

I just meant like that would be like us hating the English.

Oh.

Oh, okay,

Well done on laughing at

that joke. Race material

very rarely goes down well in Scotland.

We don't like race comedy in Scotland

because we're not diverse.

And, uh, we get scared.

And, and the thing is, we're desperate to be diverse.

We're so desperate to be multicultural and liberal,

but nobody will move here because it's sh*t.

And that kills us.

Like we're so the opposite of the English.

We're like, open borders, come on in.

And they're like, I'd rather grow up in a crater.

I'd rather learn math off

of a bombshell than spend any time north

of that f*cking border.

We're so desperate, but we just can't do it.

The non-white population of Scotland

is 5%.

5% of Scotland is non-white.

And of that 5%, two thirds were born in England.

We literally import our colour from the

country we call racist.

And that's why we get so f*cking tense

because we've got this on our high horse.

Don't insult them. Maybe they'll invite the rest.

And we shouldn't have sympathy for ourselves.

It's our fault. Like, man, there's a lot of racism.

and bigotry in this country, especially

during the early waves

of immigration from middle Eastern countries.

There was a lot of bigotry in Scotland.

What do you mean they don't drink

At all?

Send them to f*cking Wales then. F*ck that.

But they persevered.

They came into the country and then we got drunk

and they made us food at 3:00 AM

and that changed a lot of bigots' opinions.

I am so sorry for all of the things I said yesterday.

I didn't know how important you

and your family were to our community.

I've brought my son along to apologise.

I am mortified that that was his first word

and we've made sure the second one is sorry.

Not dad, we dunno who that is.

But just while I'm here

and you've got no obligation to answer this for me

because of all the things I put you through, but I, I have

to know what is this thing I'm experiencing in my mouth?

What did you, what did you say that was?

Flavour? Fascinating?

And do you all know how to do that?

I think America's brilliant. I love America.

I always have to clarify that whenever I make fun of them.

'cause otherwise they get aggressive. But I love America.

I really do. I just wish it was the country

that they thought it was, but it's not.

It's just a mental country where their idea

of freedom is I can do this

because f*ck you. It's not because this thing makes sense.

What I want to do just 'cause I f*cking can.

That's my freedom. It's my f*cking right to do this.

But they don't have healthcare or equal voting

or any of the things that make a free

country actually a free country.

They also don't have enough education

to make them understand that joke.

They, there're just, there are things that happen there

that can't be allowed to happen

anywhere else on this planet.

Before international travel was banned.

I dunno if you saw the number of Americans trying

to sneak animals onto planes.

And I use sneak very loosely there.

They weren't just like, f*cking, it's not a koala.

I'm pregnant, a pregnant 36-year-old man.

It's a rational thing.

They would brazenly bring these animals onto planes under

the guise of emotional support animals.

Now, if you've never heard of an emotional support animal,

that's because they're not real.

That's not a real thing. That's a fancy term for pet.

And your pet isn't allowed on my flight.

And if it is, it goes underneath

with the rest of the f*cking luggage.

If an animal wants to travel, it'll take a boat.

We've all seen Madagascar.

Some animals are allowed on plates

and those animals are actual support animals.

Legitimate support animals. Guide dogs.

Guide dogs are obviously allowed on planes.

Of course they are. That's how you found the plane.

Like, it's not like you get up to the gate

and the dog is like, okay, this is where I leave you.

Good luck. It's been an honour.

Bad dog, bad dog, bad dog, bad dog.

No, you get to the gate, you show the dog the ticket,

he finds your seat,

you sit down together.

He describes the movie to you.

He also gets to pick it though. So it's always Air Bud

Guide

dogs are allowed on planes.

Seizure dogs are allowed on planes.

There are people out there who have a number of conditions

or ailments, which cause 'em to have seizures,

panic attacks fits any number of conditions where they sort

of lose control of their body for a bit.

And there are dogs that are trained

to recognise the early warning signs,

get up, put a paw on either side of the person's shoulder,

bury their head into the person's neck in order

to help calm them down. I assume

by whispering stuff in their ears.

Hey, hey, hey, shhhhhh.

Quit being such a f*cking p*ssy.

You know how much I hate p*ssies.

I talk about it all the time. I get it, man. Flying's scary.

I know, I'm a dog. This is new

for me too, but I'mma be real with you.

There's a guide dog over there

and you're f*cking embarrassing me.

Get your head in the game. 1, 2, 3. Big dog. Bark!

Guide dog,

seizure dogs, eh, undercover dogs.

Are allowed, that's the wrong word. Sorry.

Police dogs are allowed to, shut up.

I know they're just police dogs. They're not undercover.

And look, I know they're in uniform,

but I don't think that's them in disguise.

I might be an idiot, but I'm not that f*cking thick.

Never been sat on a Ryanair flight just next

to a German shepherd wearing Aviators

and a fake mustache.

I have to ask, are you a dog?

Legally, you have to tell me... woof.

Guide dogs, seizure dogs, police dogs, all allowed on planes.

The sh*t I'm talking about is this.

One woman in America tried to get onto an airplane

with her emotional support hamster.

What does it do?

Like, what does it, how does it calm you down? Seriously?

Stress ball?

Is that turbulance? I'll be fine.

One American man didn't try, he succeeded.

He successfully got onto an airplane

with his emotional support

Peacock. F*ck off and die of everything.

What does it do? What is it trained to....

How does it calm you down? How?

45,000 feet up in the air. You hit some turbulence.

Patrick, I'm scared.

Nothing reduces your anxiety.

more than 200 new pairs of eyes staring at you.

Air steward walking down every five minutes.

Sir, could you shut your f*cking peacock, please?

It's bad luck to open up a peacock indoors. I'm sorry.

He's very nervous.

For some reason he seems to think that

that police officer is a dog.

I've... dunno where he got it from.

And I've done these jokes in America

and they get weirdly defensive around it.

Uh, before, uh, we were all in lockdown.

I was in LA February last year

and I was working on this joke.

And one woman couldn't contain herself. She lost her sh*t.

Daniel, you're being very mean-spirited.

You're being very cruel.

You've got to remember some of those people,

they're scared of flying.

I am a monster. I'm a cold dead

behind the eyes, heartless monster.

And I don't deserve to live

On this f*cking planet. Horrible f*cking... I couldn't give

a piping hot, wet sh*t

what you are scared of. That's not an excuse.

I'm scared of heights. I'm f*cking petrified of heights.

You don't see me at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower

with a horse.

What do you mean he can't get up?

But we came all this way. He just wanted to see Paris.

If you want proof that most of these people, the people I'm,

I'm criticising in America, they don't need the animals

they so desperately claim to need, uh, one woman in America,

the one that tried to get on the plane

with her hamster, she was told no.

They were like, you're not getting

on a plane with a hamster.

It's gonna fall out of your pocket. It's

gonna chew through some wires.

The plane's gonna crash and we're all gonna meet Harley.

Right? F*ck off. No.Does anyone know what she did?

Shoved it up her arse? She didn't.

But, uh, that's called the Reverse Ratatouille.

Just in case you were wondering.

It's a tactic I've used.

No, she, upon being told she couldn't get on the flight

with her hamster, she flushed it down the toilet.

That's not a joke. She flushed the hamster down one of the,

just the toilets in the terminal.

She flashed it down the toilet. And then she got on the

plane and while she was on the plane when she landed at the

other airport, right, the news was there, obviously.

Just they'd heard the story

and they were like, Hey murderer,

she had the f*cking gall to play the victim.

I cannot believe they made me do that.

That wasn't even one of the options.

My go-to, you went for shoving it up your arse,

me personally,

yeet it over your shoulder like it's a bouquet

of flowers at a wedding.

And let's see who won a hamster today.

Now I know a lot of, you're like, oh, does that sound cruel?

It is not as cruel as wooooo! Like,

could be worse.

She flushed it down. I can't believe they

made me f*cking do that.

That's what she said. I can't believe they made me do that.

The nerve, the f*cking gall to be the victim.

Even in that moment, that would be like me going to Disney

in 10 years time. Buddy,

almost there. Just two more people.

Then it's us. I know you've been very patient.

I'm very proud of you. I've seen

so many other kids throw hissy fits

and tantrums, but not you.

You've been good the whole time. And we're all, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. There's a camera on this ride.

What pose do you wanna do for the camera?

You wanna strangle each other? What?

You want to pretend to strangle each other? Okay.

No, no, we can do it. Where did you get that?

Oh, from the Simpsons. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.

That is a kind of, I thought you'd see me and your mum.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You

and me will, I'll, I'll find out where the camera is.

I'll tap you on the shoulder. We'll pretend

to strangle each other. On? F*cking good boy!

It is mum's birthday soon.

We can get all you such a good boy. Oh, here we go.

You ready? Yeah. You excited? Yeah.

Hey, man, just two, please. Thank you.

Too small.

But we waited all of this.... He's my only son.

Hey buddy. Hey, hey. You, no, no, no, don't cry.

Don't cry the man. Oh, no. The man, the man's being silly.

The man. Of course, you're allowed to go on the ride.

Of course. Yeah. You've been so, the man

is just being silly, just like mum.

Silly juice, just like mum. Yeah. Yeah.

I love you so much

and I want you to know

that you're allowed to go on this ride.

Rules be damned. My son,

you've been so good and so patient, just so you,

and I'm so proud of the man that you've...\'a0

One, please.

What have I done? What kind of sick

father would did what I just did... altogether on?

Oh. Huh? What? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Ah,

Whee, whee, oh

my only boy, my, whee. Oh, here we go.

Camera time... ah, f*ck.

In hindsight, I should have entered

on ice cream for the Jews.

Glasgow, you've been a pleasure. Thank you so much.

It\'92s been a f*cking joy. Drive safe. I'll see you next time.

Thank you so much.

F*ck f*uck sh*t c*nt, F*ck f*uck sh*t c*nt

F*ck f*uck sh*t c*nt, F*ck f*uck sh*t c*nt

F*ck f*uck sh*t c*nt, f*ck f*uck sh*t c*nt, motherf*cking piss

Piss piss piss f*cking piss piss f*ck

Piss piss f*ck

Piss piss f*ck

Piss piss f*ck

Bastard bastard bastard bastard

Piss piss bastard, piss piss bastard

Piss piss bastard, piss piss bastard

I think it was important to have a good opening joke.

You know, get them onside

remind them that I'm f*cking funny.

Remind myself that I'm funny.

So maybe this is the best way to do it.

Punch this up a bit more

and then, you know,

it's a good opening joke about swearing

and why I think Scots are better at swearing than the

rest of the f*cking world.

The swearing bit's largely working but

it starts off with, I've been gigging in America

and I like giggling in America.

I'm not making fun of it, but just like I, I know

what upsets Scottish people

and it's, you know, not f*cking matched in America.

They get upset by things, uh, like swearing, which

to me is like saying I'm offended by 30% of words.

So I get instantly limited in the amount

of dialogue that I'm capable of.

You might as well be offended by vowels.

Can you mention that, like it's,

it, it really stifles my communication.

'cause it's like saying, uh, I get offended by emojis.

It like amplifies how I'm feeling.

Like I need them swear words to let you know, like my tone.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You might

as well be offended by emojis.

Aye, good.

Uh,

I think the reason Americans don't like swearing is

because American, like,

Americans like being the best at everything

and they're the worst at

swearing 'cause it doesn't suit their accent.

And Scottish, you know, it's short vowels. F*ck sh*t c*nt.

And then it's the drum kit, but that bit works fine.

What have you got?

Have you got like, f*ck sh*t and c*nt's a different thing

On there. So, So, so you

play the drum

F*ck f*ck s**t. The drum kit. The

drum kit is f*ck, f*ck. Uh,

F*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck. F*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck. F*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck.

F*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck. F*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck.

F*ck f*ck sh*t sh*t.

Motherf*cker motherf*cker motherf*cker piss

Pissing bastard, pissing bastard, pissing bastard, pissing bastard

Piss piss piss piss piss piss bastard.

F*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck c*nt

And then...

And I think the reason Americans don't enjoy swearing

as much is because Americans like

to be the best at everything. Greatest country in the World,

Greatest army in the world, greatest food in the world, blah blah blah.

And they are the worst swearers on the f*cking planet.

They suck at it and it's because their accent doesn't suit it.

Swearing belongs in guttural accents, right.

Uh, Scottish, Irish Australian.

It has to be short, vowels, f*ck sh*t c*nt

Can you see how short those swear words are?

They pepper a sentence. They never dominate it.

It's all the way through. It's very gentle.

It's like very kind.

It's more like there's a drum kit backing up

what you're saying while you're talking.

It's f*ck f*ck, f*ck sh*t c*nt. F*ck f*ck, f*ck sh*t c*nt.

F*ck f*ck, f*ck sh*t c*nt.

Motheerf*cker motherf*cker motheerf*cker piss

piss piss c*nt, pissing bastard f*cking c*nt

Piss piss f*ck. F*ck f*cking sh*t

It's very musical

and it makes it easier and more rhythmic.

But the problem with the Americans

because they elongate their bubbles

because they sing everything because they're happy,

because they're stupid.

When they swear

it's like they're doing it with a flute

and listen to an American swearing like

Why don't you f*ck off assh*le

It's not your fault that your sh*t swearing,

it's your accent just doesn't suit it, right.

Swearing suits very few accents. Guttural accents.

Scottish, Irish, Australian.

And as much as it pains me to admit it,

the English are quite good at swearing.

Listen to how I swear.

F*ck sh*t c*nt. That was it, that was over.

Less than half a second

and I got three of them out.

My swear words never dominate a sentence, right.

They just pepper it. They flavour it all the way through.

Swearing as a Scottish person is a lot like having a drum

kit backing up your rant.

It's just like, f*ck,

F*ck, f*ck sh*t f*ck,

F*ck sh*t f*ck, f*ck sh*t f*ck.

Motherf*cker motherf*cker motherf*cker piss.

Pissing bastard, pissing bastard.

Sh*t sh*t f*ck f*ck c*nt c*nt piss.

It's very rhythmic

and just adds depth to the conversation.

But in America you don't shorten down your vowels,

you elongate them because you sing everything

because you're happy because you're stupid.

So when you swear it sounds weird, you're like,

why don't you f*ck off assh*le.

So have you got covid material?

Have you got, have you wrote anything specific?

The only stuff I'm doing, which is it's lovely

to come down to, it's lovely to be here in the epicentre.

I feel uncomfortable doing material

about everything going on.

Great.

That's laughter!

Or is it heckles? What does

that mean, is it going well?

Did he ask a question?

Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise

and welcome to the stage Daniel Sloss!

How you doing Brent Cross, you well?

Yep. Just as annoying when you're on stage. Just the exact same.

It's uh, it's, I tell you what, if my agent offered this gig

to me in January, she would've been f*ckig fired.

Swearing as a Scottish person is a lot like having a drum

kit backing up your rant

as you go along. It's just like,

f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck

f*ck f*ck f*ck, f*ck sh*t f*ck.

Motherf*cker motherf*cker motherf*cker piss.

Pissing bastard, pissing bastard

sh*t sh*t c*nt c*nt, sh*t sh*t c*nt.

Motherf*cker motherf*cker motherf*cker piss.

I really hope nobody's in the car with kids.

I really, I mean, I dunno if that's

I am in a car with kids, or please for the love of God

So if you're not enjoying the show,

just stick on Louis Capaldi.

I'll never know. I don't know if you're listening

to the show.

For you, this is like a podcast

and for me this is like performing in a car park.

Which, which before...