Original subtitles

Thank you. You're car will be right up.

[CHATTERING ON RADIO]

What the hell happened to my car?

Try V16, Brown Cornich.

All right, Rita. You lovely Rita...

Wait a second. Where you going? Come on, I need your help.

Where we going?

We're going to take a ride in a brown Cornich.

You watch out for my paint job, huh? You bet.

You sure he knows what he's doing?

Tico always knows what he's doing.

Hey, hey, where you going?

That's good, man, real good.

Uh, no, no, no, no, sir, we have got hotel rules here.

You know a guy named Ollie?

Not if he owes you some money.

Oh, no, no, he promised me a job.

Hey, man, the guy can't afford promises,

he's not the boss.

The guy you have to see is Joe.

Uh, where's he? Down below.

Is that a sample of your work?

Is your name Joe?

No, but he hates a smart-ass as much as I do.

Hey, that's good, real good.

Listen, uh, where's down below?

Civilians aren't allowed.

Is Ollie here today?

MAN: Miss Lucy!

Tico, brown Cornich, please.

Come on, you know better than that!

No employees allowed on the main drag.

Do not park it on the D Level.

Hey, come on. I know what goes on down there.

You're an employee just like the rest of us.

Hey, excuse me, uh,

what's your angle, brother?

Are you suggesting that we are related?

Well, yeah, I mean, uh...

Ollie! Captain Wonderbread!

Hey. How you doing?

What's happening?

Listen, uh, can I still get a job here?

Were you kicked out of school, too?

Nah, dropped out.

Hey, Dee Jay!

Hey, what's happening? Pete Huffman.

Hey, what's going on, man?

He tried to unionize lab animals...

Or was it the dean's daughters?

Who could tell the difference?

Listen, Miss Lucy,

I ain't kidding and I ain't standing here homesteading, I want my car!

Ollie, will you get the ticket on the orange Edsel?

That's fine.

Hi.

Hello, down there. Joe...

Tell him I used to chauffeur part time.

You can't tell him anything when he's got his head up some engine.

Look at you shine. Now that's the kind of car I deserve.

They're both available... For a price.

How you doing today?

How you doing, sugar?

That's what I call technique.

That's why we're engaged.

Hi...

Wonderbread, follow this, if you can.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[BEEPING]

Whoo!

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

Over here, come on, I said step on it.

Hey, Wally, where's Joe?

In the bunker.

LUCY ON INTERCOM: Hey, Wally, Tico's down there with Rita, have you seen him?

Not on B!

[EXCLAIMING]

[BEEPING]

What the hell are you trying to do?

What are you waiting for, the light to change?

[SHOUTING]

You and me, right?

[BARKING]

Give me a 9/16 and a rag.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Who's that?

Oh, no!

Sorry about that.

Who the hell are you?

Hi, you must be Joe?

Lucy told me I should talk to you.

Hey, Joe. Did you see him drive?

Yeah.

Pete Huffman.

What'd you mean, yeah? He's good.

He could leave rubber on your face.

Hey, Ollie. I'm trying to get a job...

I've got enough clowns down here.

Oh, wow.

What's the matter, Joe? Huh?

You afraid of a little, uh, competition?

Is this your idea of a ride?

Rita, you loved it and you know it.

Just get that parking crew in shape.

Don't worry about it.

How do you do, sir? I'm Herbert Penlitter, the manager.

This is our head of security, Mr. Kruger.

They lost my car.

Lost? Oh, I hardly think so.

Well, they can't find it.

Well, it may be on Level D.

Well, they've been looking for it all day long.

Sometimes, it takes a long time. Hold it! Hold it!

Would you give me a description of the car, please?

It's a Cornich... Cornich. French car.

Well, at last, Miss Birdie, come on.

Another case solved, Kruger.

It's about time, boy.

Uncle Fausto!

Hey, that's my car!

Tico! Tico!

Tico? Tico? Tico!

Hey, Tico. How about those new tires? Mine are bald.

Tomorrow. I'll fix you up tomorrow.

Tico!

Here's your chariot...

I've been waiting 20 minutes and it took me only five to buy it!

Hey, dummy.

Appropriate action will be taken, sir.

It's the last time I'll stay in this chicken motel.

Don't you worry, sir, Mr. Penlitter has it all on tape.

Pick up dry cleaning. Renew auto insurance.

Balls!

Hope you enjoy your stay...

[EXCLAIMING]

Oh, what's the matter? Oh, my God.

Hey, guess what, boss?

Some guy offered 1,400 for it as is.

I'm telling you, man, we should go for it.

There's a lot of money in parts.

Hey, we're gonna make seven grand for it restored.

Come on.

What's he want now?

Hey, listen, come on, will you? I've seen hundreds,

hundreds, that's right, hundreds of you dummies come and go in this place

and you're all alike. All of you.

Am I keeping you awake?

You're too young for your own good.

What is he, a guidance counselor?

Just humor him, it's okay.

I'm gonna read a list of the things you people have done.

Figures.

Somebody plucked the feathers off the Eagles' grocery store mascot.

OLLIE: Now I suppose you're gonna drag out

that old one about the girl being attacked on Level D?

No, that wasn't a girl, that was a female cop.

No, no, it was the senator's daughter.

Uh-uh, no, I knew the girl personally.

It's me, all right?

So go on. Send me up to the big house.

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

Everybody!

[GROANS]

[FLY BUZZING]

[SQUELCHING]

What the hell is that?

The hotel was built on a swamp, Kruger.

[FLY BUZZING]

I wanna say one more thing. It would be terrific

to get rid of all you by Friday's payroll.

Got me?

JOE: Was that a slow burn?

[PEOPLE BARKING AND CATCALLING]

JOE: All right, all right. Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, now give the commandant a chance to cool down, all right?

Now, you're all on good behavior.

[ALL GROANING] Until lunch.

Oh, all right. Come on, Ziggy.

Let's put that baby back together.

ZIG: Oh, God, what's that?

[BOTH GROANING]

Damn!

[FLY BUZZING]

TICO ON INTERCOM: Hey, Joe? You down there? You seen Lucy, man?

I'm running this show by myself, man. The cars are backed up and stuff

and people want their cars and I ain't got nothing to do with it, man. I'm...

We've got 10 minutes.

Let's, uh...

What?

Pull the plug on the world.

[CARS RACING ON RADIO]

It's Le Mans.

Great!

Joe, don't you get tired of just listening? [TURNS ON MUSIC ON RADIO]

Don't you want to see something?

I told you, we'd get there someday.

Well, when is someday?

Are we gonna go through this again?

Yeah.

I'm tired of just seeing a travel sticker on a suitcase.

Well, I like it here.

Luce.

We can have nooners down here and nobody bothers us.

This is paradise!

Not for me.

I gotta get out on my own.

And do what?

What do you mean, and do what? Travel.

Try something new. See the world.

Fine.

Then move in with me.

Oh, Joe. You didn't understand a word I said.

Sure I did.

We're not together.

[SWITCHES MUSIC TO CAR RACING]

[LUCY CLEARS THROAT]

Don't take Kruger to heart. He probably thinks...

Nobody asked you.

What'd you got against me?

Come on... No, no, really.

What makes you assume that I'm even thinking about you?

Ego, I guess.

Okay, now I want you girls to read these contracts

very, very carefully.

I want you to sign where I made the X here and then to initial the changes, okay?

Now, what we're doing, I'm incorporating you

so that you will qualify for your own personal private pension plan

later on in life, okay?

We're getting all of our money out of the stock market.

Good, I'm bearish. And I'm bullish.

And I'm a little, little chicken, so we're getting out of the market,

going into REITs, IRAs,

maybe some Chinese porcelains and very heavily into Norman Rockwell collective plates.

Oh, good, I need some dishes.

It sounds so official and legal, too.

Oh, yes, definitely legal.

So you run along. You read those in your spare time, now. Spare time only, okay?

Thanks very much. Bye-bye.

[WHIRRING]

[IMITATING MOTOR]

How about some coffee?

[BARKING]

You're welcome.

[MAKES WHIRRING SOUND]

I'll get you one.

[BARKING]

LUCY ON INTERCOM: Ollie, red Trans-Am. Got it.

[NATE EXCLAIMING]

Nate!

[SCREAMING]

Good day, madam, and welcome to the Beverly Plaza...

[STAMMERING]

Hi, guys. How're you doing?

Would you please get my bag?

Tico. Tico, check it out.

You're tall. So, get a ladder.

Say, man, is it true that she has a tattoo on her...

Not only that, it's highly visible.

You seen it?

Oh, we'll never see it. We'll have to go on faith.

Oh, my God, Nate.

[HOWLING]

What a way to go.

Come on.

Guys, Nate's in trouble. Hold all the traffic.

[BARKING]

[SCREAMING]

TICO: Wait a minute, brother. Just hold on.

[WHOOPS]

TICO: You're going the wrong way, Nate.

[SQUEALS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

PETE: You all right, Nate?

[ALL CLAMORING]

Don't move him, don't move him. You breathing?

[GASPING COMICALLY]

[ALL GROANING]

Did you see it?

JOE: See what?

Her ass.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my. Yeah, yeah!

That's love, that's true love.

And how would you know?

You never took out a girl more than once in a row.

That's right, Tico. You wouldn't know true love if it bit you on your enchilada.

PETE: Sure he would, right?

You got the wobbly knees.

Oh, yeah.

And an achy chest with the violins?Yeah...

As a matter of fact, my nose is numb.

Ah, well, that's the clincher.

That's not love, you're underwear's too tight.

Good day, ladies, and welcome to the Beverly Plaza.

Annie, Annie, picture.

Come along, girl.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Tico... Tico!

Miss. Miss. Yes?

Hello. Hello.

I've got weak knees. I've got a pounding heart,

my nose is numb. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, either it's something he ate or puberty.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

How are you? I'm fine, how are you?

Okay. Well, I'm really not okay, see, because

my fingertips are tingling and, uh...

God, you're terrific.

Well, um, look, I don't have time for fun, I'm in a wedding.

You don't have to tell the whole world, Madeline.

What's wrong with your friend?

Oh, well, she's getting cold feet. Uh-huh...

The groom's a doink.

Family friend, you know?

Madeline, huh? Madeline.

What's your name?

BOTH: Tico.

Madeline, will you please?

Look, I gotta go. Uh...

Yeah?

Can I see you later?

How?

I can't.

I'll see you again. I will.

Thanks anyway, really. Nice to have met you.

Bye.

Step aside. I want to talk to my friend.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

Hey, Sheik. I know the feeling.

It's terrific, isn't it?

Really terrific!

It's magic.

Check your nose.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

I beg your pardon.

TICO: I said, it's love.

Love? Who said love?

Is that right?

Oh, absolutely.

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

Now look, if we want to get to these girls, we have to act as a team.

I have business to conduct.

That's exactly what I'm talking about, getting down to business.

Now, these two aren't ordinary girls.

This could be the real thing, Your Highness.

Exactly. It is the real thing.

Now, when's something like this going to happen again,

you tell me, your shiekness?

Perhaps never.

Exactly, so give these guys their pink slips and let's get on with it.

Tico'll get you through the rough spots.

No, really. It's impossible.

Impossible?

This is America, my man,

we don't know the meaning of the word impossible.

[MEN APPLAUDING]

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

I love ladies' luncheons.

They pick at the lettuce and leave the good stuff.

They're closet eaters.

There goes the main course.

[BARKING]

LUCY ON INTERCOM: Hey, Joe, mayday. How's the antique coming?

Uh, manning a few minor repairs.

The owner's here and he said he wants it now

or he'll press grand theft auto charges...

It's not grand theft auto, he can come down and see it, it's all here.

You better get it up here.

You got it!

He's waiting right at my elbow.

Well, tell him tomorrow.

Tell him, uh, 10 minutes.

Ten minutes? You're crazy.

Hey, Zig. He says we can't put it together in 10 minutes.

And he's willing to bet a week's pay on it.

I am?

Sure you are.

You're on.

Ready.

Set. Go!

[ALL CHEERING]

Hope you make big tips this week.

Nice suit you got there, man.

Hey, Lucy, I'll be right back.

GUARD: Herbert Penlitter. Hello, how do you do?

Noff, FBI.

[CLATTERING]

[WHISTLING]

Not a bad place to work, huh?

Yeah, after one week's work, I'm a week in debt, but, uh...

See, you don't have any faith.

Faith? I got faith.

Ta-da! Huh?

All the comforts of home.

And I suppose this comes with the job?

[DOOR OPENING]

Lucy, what are you doing here?

Doesn't, uh, Joe's shower work anymore?

I wouldn't know.

Uh, you mean, you and... Joe and I are history.

Ah.

Ancient? Very definitely.

Hey, guys?

The unclaimed. Which one is me?

The Midwestern Bowlers or the Billy Graham rally?

The Billy Graham. The Bowlers.

Thank you both, ever so much.

Make a wild guess.

You're available tonight, right?

I don't believe you're hitting on me.

Oh, nothing violent,

just dinner.

I have an army physical tonight.

[CHUCKLES] Sure.Really.

Well, if you've got a head and two legs, they'll make you an officer.

Well, I have my pick of assignments.

Bavarian Alps,

gay Paris,

or romantic Roma.

What's your rush?

[CLATTERING]

Whose car is that?

Don't ask.

Oh, I'm a very curious fellow.

If you last the week, I'll take you up on your dinner.

Nah.

Hands off the donuts. They're a day away from the gravel pits.

Take the toast instead.

All right, thank you. Thanks for the warning.

Good morning.

[SIGHS IN SATISFACTION]

So how'd it go at the army?

The recruiting sergeant made a pass at me.

Yeah, well, what'd you expect from a red-blooded American soldier?

The sergeant was a whack.

[GROANS] Hey, Tico!

[QUESTIONING IN SPANISH]

Hey, Tico, got any lonely cars today?

No.

Hey, Tico, you just passed up Juanita.

Right.

I think we should send this into Guinness.

What, are you sick, Tico?

It's numb.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he's ear lobes are hot.

Not only that, everything's hot and I can't get to her.

"Love travels a reckless path on an uncharted sea,

"strewn with the flotsam and jetsam of broken hearts."

English Lit 101.

Thought I was sleeping, didn't you? [DEE JAY CHUCKLING]

Tico, did you offer to take her for a ride?

Oh, nothing like that, uh...

This one's special.

Well, nobody said love was easy, Tico.

You see something you want,

you just have to, uh, reach out and get it.

Well, it ain't that easy, see? 'Cause there's things in my way.

PETE: Like what?

Like a wedding.Oh...

She's getting married?

Oh, no, the sheik's girl is.

My girl just doesn't have time for me.

Oh, then maybe he can help.

Who? BOTH: The sheik.

Oh, no.

I already tried that. No.

Have you tried celibacy?

How about meditation?

Cold showers. That is good.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, you think this is funny?

I mean, Tico is having his first honest emotional reaction to a woman

and you think it's funny?

LUCY: Why don't you help him?

Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.

Come on.

Oh, God...

Guys, I gotta get out of here.

I'm so loose, my hair is relaxed.

He ain't coming.

I know he ain't coming.

I'm telling you, he takes one of these every day.

Hey, just tell me something.

Is this one of the agonies of wealth?

I'm gonna die.

I know I'm gonna die. You're not gonna die.

So, uh, I'm getting us into retirement bonds.

Double-edged interest accounts for bulls and bears.

Gold looks good.

Hello, Tico.

What?

Excuse my impertinence but I read your name on your tag.

Yesterday...

I am Sheik Amani.

Oh! Hiya, Sheik. I'm Huff.

The fellow with the melted Mai Tai there, that's the Hulk.

PETE: Do you this every day?

Yes, I do. Figures.

What figures?

PETE: Uh, what Tico means, is you're losing all your juice in here, Sheik.

No wonder you're letting the woman of your dreams slip away.

Well, I do admit that I was captivated by the sad beauty of the young lady.

But are you willing to chase after her? That is the question.

TICO: They want us as much as we want them.

But are you sure of that?

Take it from him, he's a professional.

It is written.

Where?

Let's go for it.

Bernie? He got axed.

You mean beheaded?

Oh, no, no, canned.

Packaged? Fired.

Burned? 86'd?

Will you guys knock it off?

No, no, it's just... TICO: Come one, Huff, we gotta get out of here.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, now I said I would go along

with disguising myself as a parking person, but we still need a Sheik Amani.

PETE: Ollie's a natural actor. Left college to become a star.

Speaks three languages. Right?

It's true. Ghetto English,

Restaurant French and Carwash Spanish.

I don't look like the sheik.

Well, true, but, uh, how do you feel?

Do you feel like the sheik?

Arrogant, proud,

tyrannical, obsessed...

Uh, remember what it did for Valentino.

You must only fool Faoud.

Faoud? Faoud?

Faoud?

Yes.

He is the most loyal and persistent of all my bodyguards.

The others will do as I say.

But what happens when he looks at me?

It is forbidden for Faoud to look upon my countenance.

However, if the role is too big for you...

Sheik, there are no big roles,

there are only small actors.

First thing you gotta do is lay on the old charm.

Give her a nice big smile.

Tell her how fine she looks.

Let her know that you care.

Then what you do, is you... You take her hand,

give it a squeeze.

If she squeezes back, you're on your way.

If she takes your hand and starts rubbing your palm with her finger,

you are in like Flynn.

Yes. Well, Tico, don't you think this a bit rash?

I mean, we only just met.

Is everybody so negative where you come from?

Well, it's a bit different where I come from.

You see, in my country my father rode into my mother's house

on a spirited horse and stole her away from her betrothed.

You don't say.

Yes. There was a bloody battle.

Her brothers against my father's brothers.

Two deaths. One uncle lost his leg.

There she is.

Come on.

[TISKING]

Bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.

It's cool. Neither of us is the groom.

Now look, don't say anything to the girls

about the horses or your father or your dead uncles until after we score, okay?

Well, hello again.

Hello.

Do you have to stay with your friend?

Not really. Hi.

No? Hi.

No. Why don't you show me around the hotel?

Come on.

Now let's see this.

Oh, it's perfect, my dear. Just beautiful.

Hmm...

I never realized till now how many handsome men there are in this hotel.

[PETE WHISTLING]

Ah.

How To Be A Stewardess.

Do they give physical examinations for stewardess school?

No, you have to be talented to be a stewardess. Oh.

You have to be able to do this six hours a day.

Why are you so down on yourself?

Work your routines on Tico, not me.

Now look, you're the one that told me to help him.

So now he's on the road to ecstasy.

Who's your next target?

Don't look at me, I'm booked.

What about Ollie?

Ollie has a very important business meeting.

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

We'll need a few days to clear this up.

I told you we couldn't fool him.

Where's Murphy?

He's on his lunch break.

I've only got an hour.

Huff? Yeah...

Can I help?

I uh... I need a woman.

Well, join the club.

What about Lucy? Forget it.

Oh, no, no, I mean, a real woman.

Oh...

You see, uh, whenever I'm about to close a big sale, I, uh...

I get itchy.

What business you in?

Crock pots.

There's another 10 spot in it if you help me.

No skinny models, either.

I need somebody I can hold onto.

Okay, okay, what's going on here? What...

Give him his car, will you?

He doesn't want a car Mr. Kruger, he wants...

Whatever he wants

get it for him!

We're going to have to start providing some

good old-fashioned personalized service around here from now on.

Huh!

What do I do?

Find a lady who needs a crock pot.

Lily, have you seen Murphy?

Not lately. [STAMMERS] Listen...

Are you free for an hour? Uh-huh.

Well, this is awfully sudden, honey. How did you know that...

Yeah, well. It's not for me.

Ah, then I'm all booked up.

[SIGHS]

OLLIE: Huff!

Sahib...

[LAUGHING] Get me out of here.

Not now, I'm on assignment.

Get my car, boy.

I am the sheik.

Take a camel.

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[TALKING MORE GIBBERISH]

Mitzi, Mitzi, what's... What's going on?

Uh, the sheik wants his car.

It's beneath him to talk to a worker.

You should've known that.

[GIBBERISH CONTINUES]

Hey, you!

Me?

You! Get the sheik's car immediately!

Yeah.

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

Warn Sheik about getting too much California sun.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

HUFF: Where am I gonna find a girl for this clown?

[LAUGHS] A blue-eyed pimp.

Things are changing much too fast for me.

Does he know anything?

Faoud is cool.

Well, where do we start?

Hell, where do you usually look for girls?

Well, I've always had my best luck in libraries.

OLLIE: Libraries? Yeah.

Well, it's so quiet and you can get real close to whisper into a girl's ear.

And, uh, you can just blow a little in between words.

Well, another one of my favorite places is the beach. Huff.

At the beach... Huff.

You said the guy's only got an hour, right? Yeah.

Turn right.

Huff... Hoo, hoo, hoo.

[EXCLAIMING]

I'm buying some threads like this for my own.

These girls can't help themselves. [GIRLS WHISTLING AND HOOTING]

[GROANING]

Look at this. I see. I see.

Hello.

Hi.

Oh. [CLEARING THROAT]

We need one of you for an hour.

Oh, yeah, well, um, we work together.

Will he take a pair? I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

You're supposed to figure these things out beforehand.

Ollie, this isn't a lifetime calling.

Sorry, dear.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

WOMAN 1: Fuck you, rag head faggot!

WOMAN 2: Yeah, go play with your camel.

PIMP: Oh, sure thing, man, we got them all styles and sizes.

Tweezer, come on out, baby.

Now, Tweezer, here, you can see...

This girl, color film was made for this girl right here.

And Inger.

[CHUCKLES] Well, what can I say?

We're talking 3D. You know what I mean?

And for you guys, who've got an ego to match the size of your tripod...

Big Sydney.

Well, we need one to go.

[CHUCKLES] Now, wait just a minute, man, this ain't McDonald's.

You know what I mean? It's for a friend.

Yeah, I've heard that before. I've heard it all before. I get reruns in my sleep.

Now, you boys, you just want to get down with one of these girls?

Hell, just pull out a clicker and shoot from the hip.

You know...

Sir, I don't think you quite understand. You see, she's for someone else.

Boy, you rich bastards think you can buy any damn thing you want, don't you?

Uh, wait a minute, man.

My name is Ollie and I work over at the Beverly Plaza...

Yeah, I ain't prejudiced, now.

You know what I hate, though, is people who make me wait.

You see, and I'm waiting every goddamn day at that gas pump.

I had to sell my Cadillac.

I had to sell it.

Do you realize what it's like for a man in my line business to make a living out of this?

I'm hurting, baby, I'm hurting.

I can't move my girls.

So my girls are hurting.

When my girls are hurting, America's hurting.

We're spending so damn much money at your gas pump,

we ain't got nothing left to get down with.

What are you talking about? I just came down here for a girl and...

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well, you know what I say to that?

You know what America says to that?

No gas, no ass.

What?

No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

HOOKERS: No gas, no ass.

Mitzi.

Why don't you just put out for Kruger and get him off our back?

[LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF] I beg your pardon.

You're frustrating him. He's really crazy about you.

Of course he is, but I don't mix business with pleasure.

Don't worry, with Kruger, it wouldn't be pleasure.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Good afternoon. [WHISTLING]

I've been watching you for some time and

you bring a much needed sense of professionalism to this hotel.

I was trained in New York. And it shows.

I know.

KRUGER: Mmm-hmm.

Would you

assist me in a

spot inventory check?

Of course.

[PHONE RINGING] Pick a room.

[WHISTLING] Ah, room, uh,

128.

Um, someone just moved into that room.

No one's registered.

Remember the newlyweds from the circus, the ones with the skin disease?

[PHONE RINGING] I moved them to the second floor.

[SIGHING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Ten minutes.

Huff, we have to move. Kruger's checking out our room.

When? Now.

Sheik. Faoud.

Room service. ZIG: What's up?

Kruger's coming. We're moving.

[ALL BUSTLING]

Are...

[SKREIKING]

Ziggy, what are you doing? Hey, what's up?

We're being raided.

Jesus, Zig. There's nearly a whole engine in here.

Yeah. I was fixing it. For a friend.

Are we...

Changing...

Still kind of scruffy.

Are we changing rooms?

Whoa.

Sheik likes to supervise his own laundry.

Towels must only be worn in the swimming pool area.

In the future, additional laundry charges will be made for

kaftans, head squares and burnooses.

Allow me.

[MELODIC] Ah.

Tico, let's do it right.

[KRUGER MOANING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Oh... Come here! Come here! Come here!

Tico... Get them!

[GROWLING]

Uncle Fausto!

You're so excitable.

That's what you love about me.

[PROTESTING]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hit it. Hit it.

FAUSTO: You're gonna get it Tico. [LAUGHING]

Kruger! What?

You've got some nice legs there. Yeah? Thanks.

[BARKING]

Probe Kruger's past for possible illness.

Where we going?

I know a place. Where we can talk?

Ah, you bet. Okay.

[CAR BREAKING DOWN]

[BURSTING]

[MAN CLAMORING]

Oh, Jesus!

Madeline.

The doink, huh?

In the flesh. Sure.

Hi. Hi. [GIGGLES]

Where's Anne? What are you doing?

Oh nothing. Well, come on, let's go get her.

I'm not giving up. Neither am I.

Okay. Okay. [LAUGHS]

I'm here for my wedding.

Now, I don't want anyone messing up my car with whipped cream, signs or tin cans.

Bernie.

Bernie, you're up.

Oh. How do you do?

Aren't you the one who dented my fender the last time I was here?

No. No, it couldn't be me. This is the first day I've ever worked.

Very well.

Send a dozen roses to my fiancee, Anne Wenders.

Excuse me.

How would you like me to sign the card?

The card?

Yes, you know, the sentiment.

Something appropriate, but not too vernacular.

You wouldn't have gone to Harvard, would you?

Of course.

Predictable.

What a squid!

I suppose I must send the flowers?

Well, why don't you send them in person?

All right, now I warn you, I'm not all that familiar with American cars.

Really?

The long one makes it go. The big one stops it, turn the key, let her rip.

All right.

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[REVVING ENGINE IN NEUTRAL]

It's still in park.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Minor adjustment, I'm sorry.

Shall we?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Uh, watch the sign, watch the sign. Watch the sign.

Good shot.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

PETE: Look out!

PETE: The brake, the brake, the brake!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[SCREAMING]

PETE: No!

[WHOOPING]

Do you think I did well for my first time?

You mean, you've never driven before?

I've always had a chauffeur.

Chauffeur?

[SIGHS]

Hello.

Hello.

These flowers are for you.

Oh, they're beautiful. They're much too expensive.

[STAMMERING] You should read the card.

"With sympathy, Russell?"

He said to get something appropriate.

He didn't even sign it.

I had to see you again.

I can't believe Russell sent me a sympathy card.

No, I selected the card.

You send sympathy?

Yes.

Perhaps a bit more. You see, there is going to be a celebration tonight...

One of the Aces is eloping tomorrow.

That's wonderful.

Well, it promises to be a rather unique evening, actually.

They call it Blitz Night.

I was wondering if you'd care to join me... Us?

The night before my wedding.

[SOFTLY] I couldn't possibly go away with you.

No, it's impossible.

People are depending on me. I've picked out my wallpaper

and my towels and sheets match...

Yes, but...

I... I couldn't possibly disappoint everyone.

Do not disappoint yourself.

Good-bye.

I don't know, suddenly everything just seems so final.

Why? You've known him all your life.

Well, this was all my parents' idea.

This is a merger, not a marriage.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

More flowers? [SIGHING] It must be Russell.

Huh. Wait a minute.

It's them.

You are under my spell.

You cannot resist the weaving serpent's eye.

The heavy lid of slumber... What are you maniacs doing?

Ladies, we are here to escort you to Blitz Night.

Come on, Annie, let's go.

I can't.

Russell said he'd stop by for a nightcap.

Tell him you have a headache. Get him to practice.

What if his father finds out?

He wants a virgin for his son.

Well, this is your last night to disappoint him.

Madeline, it's impossible.

[SIGHS]

You've had your fun. Now please leave.

We could see them later. No. Never again.

Shall we?

[SHRIEKING] Bernie, what are you doing? Put me down.

This is ridiculous.

Let's go. Tico, do it for real.

Okay. Let me down, you moron.

Not too real. Oh.

You've got style.

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Charge!

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

[MAID EXCLAIMING]

What're you guys doing? Parking laundry.

TICO: Don't bother me, I'm under cover, kid.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Runaway cart!

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

DEE JAY: Welcome to Blitz Night.

Yes. Blitz Night, a time for fun,

revelry and the great American game of auto soccer.

Welcome to Level D.

That's what I call an entrance.

Um...

I endangered you. I'm sorry.

Bernie, ask her if she loves you.

I couldn't.

Bernie, this is America.

Do you?

Yes.

[CROWD CHEERING]

You said you were gonna take me for a ride. Get in.

Oh, my gosh...

A little romance. A little embracement here. I'm getting excited. I can't take it.

Will you calm down there, buddy? Thank you.

DEE JAY: Okay, folks, let's get those bets in for the final match

between the challenger, Huff, and the champion, Joe.

[ENGINE REVVING]

And I don't believe it's about to happen.

The odds are changing in favor of Joe.

PETE: Hey, no faith?

You'll see.

DEE JAY: And here's the champion, Joe, and I don't have to explain why.

You can see it right before your very eyes.

Joe, in a shiny Corvette.

Looks very calm. He's ready for battle.

Once again, the object of the game is to drive the ball into the opponent's goal.

Okay, you both know the rules.

Any last words?

Yeah. I dedicate this match to you.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Joe?

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

DEE JAY: Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out there on the playing field,

here comes our very special guest,

Sheik Amani.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Why would he want to see this?

I mean, he could have anything in the whole world.

Well, that's not quite true.

DEE JAY: Gentlemen, start your engines.

[ENGINES REVVING]

As they say in my country, let her rip.

DEE JAY: And here we go, folks.

Joe and Huff, both going towards the ball.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Looks like Huff gains possession of the ball, to his advantage.

Joe's pissed off, my gosh. These guys are really doing something amazing.

They go around the pole while Joe does a 180. Huff slaps the bar.

Joe and Huff both closing on the ball.

Joe spins out, my God.

Joe's trying to maneuver to prevent a possible score.

Oh, no...

He scores!

Oh.

Wait a second, folks, let me see, I think that...

They're okay. They're okay.

[PEOPLE CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DEE JAY: Score is a big one and Joe, a big zero.

Right now we're gonna cut to a quick commercial.

[BEAT BOXING]

You know, when I get down and out and I wanna beat somebody,

I just grab myself a nice cold bottle of Breau Brew.

Baby, reach out into the refrigerator and bring me

a nice cold bottle of Breau Brew.

Uh-huh.[CLICKS TONGUE]

[IMITATING POURING BEER]]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Breau Brew. Brewed from Hudson River water.

[GRUNTING]

I just love it,

you know? So why don't you just drive on down...

[IMITATING CAR DRIVING]]

...to your supermarket.

You know, get a can.

[TAPPING WITH MOUTH]

[GIRL GIGGLES]

Yeah.

We should get the police and smoke them out.

We'll do it.

I'm with you. Open the hatch!

Let's go, man.

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Go, Huff!

Oh, a car accident! Are they all right?

Hey, Joe, you okay? Yeah, I'm fine, Zig.

You sure, man?

Sheik!

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

So how long will it take you to put this one back together?

Get out of here.

That's it. That's it.

Got you.

Got you. Got you. Got you.

[GROWLING]

KRUGER: You people, you really did it tonight.

[STAMMERING] Well, you really showed your...

Your truly degenerate colors.

Lowest.

I know about the whole thing. All of it. I got names, right, men?

Right.

Right.

There'll be no more excuses, oh, no. Oh, not this time!

Dummies! I don't believe it!

I don't believe that the lewd and immoral behavior...

Hey, we were just dancing.

Gee, you don't think we'd work in a place like this, do you?

Shut up.

I'm insulted!

[SCREAMS] You damaged private property.

Hey, Kruger. We used our own cars.

Mr. Kruger.

[GAGGING] [PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[KRUGER CLEARING THROAT]

KRUGER: Nobody can save you this time.

[KRUGER LAUGHS AND CLEARS THROAT]

SHEIK: Excuse me. Oh, watch him try to save his job.

But I believe that your anger is misplaced.

You see, the true blame for this evening's occurrence should fall upon my shoulders.

Well, you are fired.

[PEOPLE VOICE DISPLEASURE]

[GROANING]

I am Sheik Amani.

KRUGER: Huh?

KRUGER: Oh, no.

Thank you, Ollie.

You see, I will do whatever is necessary to see that my friends, all of them,

will retain their jobs.

[ALL CHEERING]

No way.

We can't be bought.

Uh, we can't?

At least, not cheaply.

With considerable fringe benefits, of course.

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[SIGHING]

Let's go, men.

I'm sorry you learned the truth this way.

This was just a game to you. No.

Well, I hurt a lot of people for your game.

You have a right to be angry.

You lied to me.

But not with my heart.

Where's everyone going?

Hey, Huff, who won?

Nobody.

Huff, you're up.

Uh, Dee Jay, can you help me out?

Sure, for a dollar and a quarter.

Yeah, put it on the tab. Uh-huh.

Didn't you have your fill of games last night?

Well, I guess I got a little carried away.

When you play around with people's lives, they can get hurt.

Hey, Tico.

PETE: Sheik!

Hi, hi, listen,

I've been doing some calculating and I think I've figured a way

to get us all out of this mess.

Really, Huff,

I appreciate the sincerity of your efforts...

Hey, wait a second. Do you want another shot with Anne?

I mean, what do you got to lose?

You've devised another plan, have you?

Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.

After you.

What a guy!

Sheik.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mr. Noff. Be right up.

Hey Zig, brown Mercedes. Mr. Noff from the FBI.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

What do I do?

Get his car, you idiot!

Right.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Joe, Joe, Joe. Listen,

I blew it. I was stripping this guy's car.

What guy? What car? Elliot Ness.

LUCY ON INTERCOM: Joe, have you seen Ziggy?

I can't find him.

Joe, the car's in parts. Totally in parts.

The whole thing?

The whole thing.

Joe, this government guy wants his car now.

You know, I always wanted to do something like this.

Something for my country.

Come on.

I want them over there. I must see what this looks like.

Put them back a little bit.

No, that's wrong.

You.

Over there.

You. Yes, you over there. Straight back, go on.

Keep... That's it, keep going.

Little bit to the right. That's it, now straight back. Keep going. Keep going.

[BARKING]

All right.

Nice.

[GRUNTING] What is this?

I poured all the used drinks into one bucket.

Oh... [CHOKES]

Well, you must have solved Zig's problem.

Well, he's gonna be a great grease monkey. He just had some growing up to do.

A lot.

Joe, thanks.

For what?

You're a terrific guy, you know.

I'm not the guy for you.

He is.

That's a real sneaky way to get back at him.

[LAUGHS]

I'm greasy.

So?

All right, gang, one down, one to go. Let's get out of here.

They have some kind of eloping party planned.

All right, all right.

Right here.

Aha!

[EXHALES]

Aha.

[KRUGER GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

[GROANS]

[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]

[ORGAN PLAYING HERE COMES THE BRIDE]

[GRUNTING] Let me in here.

Mr. Penlittle. [SHUSHING]

Mr. Penlittle, that FBI guy's car, it's sitting in a room.

All cars must be kept in the garage.

[FIRE ALARM RINGING]

[PEOPLE PANICKING]

Oh. Oh. Oh.

What are you doing?

Calm down. Take it easy.

Don't panic. Take it easy.

Short ceremony.

Take it easy. Orchestra, orchestra play something.

Star Spangled Banner.

I want two boys to rescue that cake.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

Take it easy. Slow down. Relax. Don't panic.

Run for your lives!

Oh, Madeline. It's gonna be okay.

What are you doing?

What are you looking for? Any minute now, any minute.

What the hell's going on here?

[FIRE ENGINE SIREN WAILING]

I don't want it parked.

[BARKING]

No, no, no, give me that. Fire can be dangerous. You could burn somebody.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Um, ma'am... Help!

Help! Help! Help! Lady, your hat's on fire.

[SHOUTS]

Help, please. Mayday! Mayday!

Water.

BOYS: Charge!

[SCREAMING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Misuse of flaming dessert.

Everything works out for the best, really.

Oh.

What do they want?

[HORSE APPROACHING]

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Unauthorized pet in driveway.

[GROANING]

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

Hiya, sailor. Ooh, you lucky, you got oil to burn.

Are we changing rooms? Oh. I love his accent.

[FAOUD LAUGHING]

You did it!

All in a day's work.

I suppose you have a plan to top this one?

Yeah, I'm going back to school.

Oh...

Back east.

Gonna drive. Grand Canyon, Painted Desert.

Black Hills. Great Lakes.

New England in the fall.

You can see all those places you've been reading about.

Uh, don't say no.

I don't want to go find another horse.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GIGGLING]

Ah, almost forgot.

All right, a key to the bridal suite.

Yes.

Hey, thanks a lot, Huff. Lena and I could definitely use this.

Yeah.

[ALL HOOTING]

Hey, come on ya'll, have some respect for the lady, now.

Now, the one who catches this is the next one down the aisle.

That's right.

Not me, uh, no...

Hey, come on ya'll. Line up, do it right.

This is for real. All right.

[YELPS IN PAIN]

All right.

Let's kiss the bride. Let's kiss the bride.

Oh, thank you, guys.

Excuse me...

Hey, come on.

Massive desertion by garage employees.

[GROWLING]

Possible arson charges. Reckless endangerment.

[GRUNTS]

Filing of false alarm.

And incitement to riot.

And all the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the head of security,

Harry Kruger.

[GROANING IN FRUSTRATION]