Original subtitles

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["Silent Night" playing]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

["Deck the Halls" playing]

Yes, I'll talk him into it.

Just make sure that you've got all of the Christmas props and extras

delivered here in, like, 30 minutes.

Of course he'll be keen. He's Michael Bublé.

The guy's got a permanent hard-on for Christmas.

[chuckles, sighs]

[doorbell rings]

-Hello. -Hi.

I was looking for Michael Bublé.

Ah. Michael's house is over there.

-[music stops] -[crow cawing]

I'd be careful though. He can be pretty crotchety this time of year.

-Really? -Yes.

My mother wished him happy holidays yesterday,

and he told her to go eat a bag of dicks.

Happy holidays.

-[door closes] -[crow cawing]

[creaking]

-Bub-ster. [grunts] -Come on. Get inside.

Sorry to drop by like this. It's just that I'm in a bit of a pickle,

and, uh, I figured you might be able to help me out,

-seeing as it's Chris-- -No, no. Don't even say it, man.

Say what?

-The C-word. -The C-word?

Yeah, Chris… [gags]

[gags]

Sorry, man.

-Christmas? -Yeah.

Yeah, my doctor says it's, like, psychosomatic.

Basically, I get a gag reflex.

Right.

I'm sick of it. This time of year, people come and say, "Hey, Bublé, man,

how about another Christmas special?

How about another single? Another duet?" If I see another Winter Wonderland,

I will burn that shit to the ground.

Is this why you had an anvil hanging above your front porch?

That's set up to get the carollers. You know, Mariah gave me that idea.

-Carey? -Yeah. We have a group chat together,

with her and Chris Rea. It's called Fuck-smas.

Check this out. She just sent this this morning.

[chuckles] It's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,

and his little leg is caught in a bear trap.

Look at it. And then it says, "Oh, deer!"

-[laughs] -[chuckles]

-This is hilarious. -Look, Michael,

the reason that I'm here is that Amazon have asked me to do a Chri…

A festive special, and I would really, really love you to be a guest on it.

Fuck, no, Whitehall.

Michael, come on. This is madness.

You're as much a part of Christmas as crackers or mince pies,

or locking yourself in a lavatory and drinking neat spirits

to take the edge off your parents.

I just don't wanna be that guy anymore, Jack.

[jazz music playing]

I mean, when are people gonna understand that a Bublé isn't just for Christmas.

[sighs deeply]

-[music stops] -[whispers] Are we about to sing?

No.

It just felt like we were about to segue into a musical.

We were not going to segue into a musical, Jack. That's not…

Well, it wasn't gonna happen. You have seriously misjudged that.

We don't even celebrate that holiday in this house.

Truth is, we don't even do December.

We do 61 days of November, and it just rolls right into New Year's.

You've got a calendar with pictures of yourself on it.

-Yeah. -And have you bricked up your fireplace?

Oh, yeah. I believe chimneys are for uppies, not downies.

And just to be safe,

-I have booby-trapped this whole house. -Huh.

Or, Bublé-traps.

Oh, I like that.

Very Home Alone.

The Christmas movie?

N-No. No idea.

-[machine whirring] -Ooh, do you hear that?

That's a paper shredder I attached to the mailbox…

[chuckling] …so all the Christmas cards get destroyed instantly.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!

-Are you sure you haven't seen Home Alone? -I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you want to hear another secret that I thought I'd take to my grave?

Your surname's actually pronounced "bubble,"

but you added the accent to make yourself sound more sophisticated?

No, no. Everyone thinks that my passion is jazz. But it's really acid house.

Fuck off.

Do you want to hear my mixes?

-[acid house playing] -Not really.

-[music continues on speakers] -[shouts]

[whooping]

Listen, try this. It sounds even better.

-No, it's really mild. -All good.

Whoo!

They start earlier and earlier setting up all the decorations.

-Now I fight fire with fire. -Jesus.

Yeah, you know, I take down a couple baubles here, some mistletoe there.

You're basically the Grinch. The Grinch? Jim Carrey?

No. I don't watch Christmas movies. [swallows]

Oh, my God. Please tell me that you've seen Love Actually.

I don't understand.

No, dude, I'm so confused right now. I am…

Where did those even come from?

Okay. So not a romcom guy.

Well, listen, man. Obviously it's just not gonna work. I'm sorry.

[stutters] What if I cut all references to Christmas from the show?

All references?

All references.

-Sleigh bells? -Gone.

-Santa Claus? Elves? -Out. Cut.

-Carol singers? -Nada.

Presents?

-[shatters] -[Jack] Don't worry.

It didn't cost me loads of money.

It would just be me and you, ride or dies, shooting the shit, vibing out hard.

I just really, really want you to do the show.

I'm so powerless when you look at me with those big blue eyes.

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

-Yes. [sighs] -[doorbell rings]

Stupid carollers.

Fuck.

-♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪ -[bell ringing]

-♪ My true love sent to me ♪ -[Santa] Ho, ho, ho.

-Merry Christmas, Mr Bublé. -♪ A partridge in a pear tree… ♪

Oh, no, you don't.

-Is that a Taser? [gasps] -[Taser buzzing]

-[carollers screaming] -[Santa groaning]

[mock groaning]

-Shut up. -[groans]

[Jack] Yeah, so it turns out Michael Bublé is somewhat of a loose cannon.

But, fuck it. He's in. So my festive extravaganza can begin.

So here's the skinny.

Stranded in America, far from my loving family,

with only days to go till Christmas,

I'm about to embark on what you will no doubt dub

the most preposterous race across the globe to get home.

Waste not, want not.

Full of planes…

Oh. [slurps]

Trains…

-Monsieur? -No.

Huskies…

Come on, lads.

And sleighs…

[screaming]

I'm literally shaking.

-And an amazing cast of do-gooders. -[chuckles]

-Well, I could help you out. -I could spend Christmas with you?

Going out of their way to help me get home.

-Dude, don't… Ugh. [groans] -Oof.

This is like a fucking fever dream, isn't it?

This is the God's honest truth.

So join me for this far-fetched fable,

and see if I can get home in time for Christmas.

["Carol of the Bells" playing]

[Jack] 'Tis the night before Christmas in London town.

Taxi!

-A time for festive cheer… -Taxi!

-…and goodwill to all men. -Thanks so much. I'm good.

-[pedestrian grunts] -Other than that one.

[Jack] Notting Hill, please.

And get your foot down.

[sighs] So nearly home.

Oh, my God.

You would not believe the journey that I have just had.

-Right. -When I got stranded in America.

America?

[Jack] Yeah.

It all started in New York four days ago.

I was about to head home

after my latest desperate attempt to break into the American market.

Jack Whitehall!

[audience cheering]

Little did I know that--

Are you a celebrity?

Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

Are you from Made in Chelsea?

I'm more of an actor.

-All right. -Talking of celebrities,

has anyone ever told you that you look like Daisy May Cooper?

No, but a lot of people stop me, thinking that I'm Honey G from X Factor.

Should we get back to the story?

Yeah.

You were showing me pictures backstage of the most beautiful baby.

-You had a baby… beautiful baby girl. -Yep. Yeah, I had a baby. Yeah.

-[audience cheering] -Oh, my God.

-She's adorable. She's perfect. -Yes.

It's amazing how quickly your whole attitude to parenting changes as well,

I remember before she arrived, we were like,

"We're not gonna be like those parents that just sit the kid down

in front of a television screen and rely on all of that.

We wanna really engage and read to them all of the time."

-[audience laughing] -I'm 15 months in,

I am literally counting down the days until I can give her an iPad.

[Jimmy, audience laugh]

[Jimmy] Jack Whitehall, everybody!

Thanks so much for coming on. You all set for Christmas, now?

Yeah, that's it.

Last of my commitments, now it's home to the family for the big day.

-[phone chimes] -Oh, God. No.

My driver to the airport's just cancelled. I think I genuinely might miss my flight.

You could take a subway.

[chuckles]

Oh, sorry. That was a serious suggestion.

-Well, I could help you out. -I can come and spend Christmas with you?

Matching pyjamas on Christmas morning?

Maybe do a lip-sync battle to The King's Speech?

No, I meant I can give you a ride.

Okay, right. Yeah. That makes more sense.

I have to deliver a few presents, the last stop is right by the airport.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. I mean, it's Christmas. You'd do the same for me, right?

Yeah.

And Christmas time… [stammers] …it's a special time of the year.

Full of magic and wonder.

Family, friends.

When people get together, it's almost like it brings a tear to my eye.

-[Jack stammers] -It's the--

So sorry, um, just, is this wistful Christmas monologue gonna go on long?

I am genuinely worried that I might miss my flight.

Okay, okay. You're right. Th-The car's downstairs.

Uh, can you do me a favour? I gotta say goodbye to the team.

Get my presents outside my dressing room and bring 'em to the car.

-[Jack] Okay. Sure, okay. -Bye, bud.

Uh, just down here?

Bloody hell. [sighs]

[phone rings]

Hey, Jimmy.

Some of them seem to be getting delivered to places that are quite far away.

But the last one is getting dropped off next to the airport?

Yeah, the Seattle airport.

-Seattle? -It really adds to the gifts,

to have a personalised delivery

from the guy that was in Jungle Cruise and Paddington.

I wasn't in Paddington.

You weren't? Every British actor was in Paddington.

Hey, anyway. Enjoy the free ride.

Wait. You're not coming with?

So, what, I'm just expected to travel around America

delivering presents to everyone for you?

Maybe you should've got me some reindeer and a fucking sleigh.

You said on the show that you were working for Amazon.

Making a Christmas special for Amazon, not working as a delivery driver.

You don't need me. You got this, bud.

Right, you know what? I've changed my mind.

I-I think I might just chance the subway.

[stammering]

Going… through… tunnel.

Uh… istmas…

Jimmy, this is a FaceTime. I can see you.

Oh. Well, are you going through a tunnel maybe?

This car is parked.

Okay. Merry Christmas, bud.

No, I-I don't want to do… Oh.

Mate, I don't think that door's even going to shut with all these presents.

[grunts] I was wrong.

[sighs]

Maybe I'll just tell my friends he was in Paddington.

Y-You do have cash, don't you? Because I-I don't have a card machine.

What?

You-You will pay with cash, for this…

Well, I mean, there's a sign there that says, "Contactless payments accepted."

Yeah. I don't really wanna pay tax.

Right.

So, you've probably guessed I missed my flight from New York,

'cause Jimmy bloody Fallon had me driving all across America delivering presents.

-[driver] I'm sorry, what is-- -[Jack] Yeah. Just go with it.

You will have to suspend your disbelief for a lot of this story.

["Jingle Bells" playing]

[Jack] So, now I'm in Seattle. 3,000 miles further away from home,

and one day closer to Christmas.

But just as I'm about to start trawling through the dark web

and sliding into the DMs of a few human trafficking gangs,

as luck would have it, a seat came up on the last flight home.

"What could possibly go wrong?"

As people say, just before things go wrong.

[distorted] ♪ Dashing through the snow… ♪

[screams]

[scream echoes]

-[driver] All of the flights? -[Jack] Yeah.

Every single airport in the USA?

Yes. 'Cause of a weather event.

-Weird. That's odd. -Yeah.

That doesn't happen. Ever.

-Well… -Has never happened, actually.

[Jack] It did, and it does.

So, yeah, I'm stranded in Seattle…

And my poor partner, Roxy,

-is at home facing the chilling prospect… -[phone chiming]

…of spending Christmas with my family alone.

So I did what all celebrities would do in a predicament like that.

I got onto social media and I whinged about it.

[groans]

Even if the airline ignored my plight,

I knew my wonderful fans would do anything to help me.

[phone chiming]

Blocked.

To be fair, I think most of them thought it was a joke.

-Unnecessary. -Hence, all of the good-natured banter.

And a few low blows.

But then, guess who got in touch?

The last person I expected, if I hadn't previously arranged

-for him to be in this. -Yes!

Michael Bublé.

-Bollocks. -No, he did.

-There's no way… -He did.

-…you know Michael Bublé. -He's a dear friend of mine.

So, then, what does Michael Bublé say to you?

Michael offered to send me home on his own private jet.

Right.

All I had to do was hang around and wait for the pilot to show up.

As for Michael, when he found out that bae was in his town,

he thought, "You know what? I'm gonna clear my schedule,

'cause nothing is more important than me and Jack hanging out

and doing what I love best, which is ice skating."

-You went ice skating with Michael Bublé? -We went ice skating.

Well, I mean, I thought it was ice skating.

He better have not stood me up.

[chuckles] Oh…

-[Jack] Hey. -What… Dude, seriously?

I'm ready for skating.

This is… [laughs]

When I said skating, this is what you thought?

-Yes, figure skating. You said skating! -Are you shitting me?

I thought you meant like Torvill and Dean.

Me and you, on the ice. Throwing shapes.

-Oh, dude, like, actually Blades of Glory. -Blades of Glory style.

I've worked out a whole dance routine to "Just Haven't Met You Yet".

It ends with the most incredible lift.

You are so high, man.

No, I was thinking more hockey. Ice hockey.

-What? -Yeah.

-That's not very bromantic. -No, it's… [stammers]

Are you kidding me? There's nothing more romantic than hockey.

-And what is this? A picnic… -Yeah.

You literally have Brie cheese and crackers in here.

-Yeah. Michael! -We do not need that.

-Let that go. -[basket crashes]

-And this, all of this… -A lot of time and effort

-went into making that. -…while you look stunning,

I feel we need to get you changed

-into something more appropriate. -Right.

You can completely see your balls and everything in that. [chuckles]

[Jack] I actually have a couple of Scotch eggs

-that I couldn't fit into the hamper… -[laughing]

…that I popped down there, just to keep them warm.

[Michael] Let's do this.

-[stammers, groans] -[gruff voice] That's what men do. Men do.

-They skate. They play sport. -All right. That's right.

[normal voice] It's quite hard to pull off the manly walk when you're wearing these

-on your feet. -[laughs]

-[Jack] And a leotard. [chuckles] -[laughs]

[Jack] So, change of plan. Which was cool with me.

I was basically happy to do whatever Michael Bublé wanted.

If I have one rule in life, it's, don't piss off

the guy with the private jet who can get you home quickly.

If he wanted to go watch some sport, we go watch some sport.

-He does not like sport. -He likes sports. That's his passion.

He loves hockey.

-No. That's too aggressive for Bublé. -Yeah. No.

He's snuggling by the fire and pouring eggnog.

Not contact sports. No way.

[Jack] He's a complicated guy, okay?

I mean, like, one minute, he's telling me he hates Christmas.

The next minute…

-…why I love it so much… -Mmm.

…is because my mother and father, and my grandparents,

they gave us so much love,

that I feel like Christmas, for me and my kids,

all I'm doing

-is trying to repeat the traditions… -Yeah.

-…play the songs, make the food. -Yeah.

-All of those core memories. -Yeah.

Christmas isn't Santa, and Christmas isn't about presents.

-It's about them. -Yeah.

-What are you gonna do? -For what?

-The holidays. For Christmas. -The holidays, I'm gonna have it at mine.

-Are you excited? -With the baby.

-How excited are you? -Our little Elsie.

Yeah, I'm so excited.

This is the first one

where she is gonna be old enough to sort of realise what's going on.

-The first one was amazing. -Yeah. Yeah.

-But she was, like, so small. -Yeah, a little…

One day, she's gonna try to recreate all that stuff

you and your girl… your wife?

Not my wife. Not yet.

She's my partner.

-No, don't go there. -[laughs]

I can tell a little thought came into your mind there

and that's what we call an inside thought.

-I'm just curious. Like, are we waiting? -No…

-Is there… Maybe you're waiting for her… -I love her. She's an incredible mother.

…to get pregnant or something. I don't know.

[laughs] I'm gonna have to propose to her before this show comes out now.

You're not gonna… Are you really?

-Yeah. -I wish I could be part of it.

Can I pop up out of a box or something, if you ever do it?

100%.

-If I'm making the proposal… -I swear to shit,

this is not a joke, you have this on camera.

Yeah.

If you propose, and you wanna use me, and I pop out of a…

but in a… like a romantic way, it isn't funny.

And I come out and, like, I go like…

♪ And in this crazy life ♪

♪ And through these crazy times ♪

I would do that. I would jump out and be part of it.

And then I could be like, "I was part of the greatest love story ever."

-Oh, my God. -The Whitehalls, and their nine children.

The only thing that I'd want in return

is to be able to hide in the closet and watch you guys do it on your honeymoon.

Nothing weird.

Would you still be singing in the closet?

-'Cause I actually think that might help. -No, I would only be singing the…

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

It wouldn't be much different to how we normally do it,

'cause your music is on most of the times that we make love.

Man. I wish, man. Just tell me I was a part of it.

[Jack] I really was there with him. Look.

That's the jersey. I got my name on it.

You can get one of those personalised at Sports Direct.

And you get a massive mug free with it.

Right, well I haven't got the mug, and I didn't get this from Sports Direct.

Me and Michael Bublé, we both had our names on our back,

and everyone was like, wow, is that Michael Bublé? And Whitehall,

who's Whitehall? There was a bit of that.

This is how we walk when we go to a Kraken game.

-[cheers] -[phone chiming]

[Jack] Oh, yeah.

[Michael] Oh. [laughs]

Oh, yeah.

[cheers]

They only had one left.

-One? -So we'll have to share it.

-Okay, this gonna… -[Jack] Finally, things are looking up.

I'm double-ending a hot dog with my man crush.

Apparently there's a hockey game going on as well. I don't care.

I'm thinking by the second half, he might be ready for the popcorn trick.

This whole thing was worth it for that moment.

And then all of a sudden, he goes…

You're gonna love this next part. So they're basically gonna pick randomly

from the crowd two people to go down on the ice,

and play tug of war. It's hilarious.

[song plays]

That's my song, dude.

[announcer] Joining us on the ice. Jack Whitehall!

[cheering]

See that? They picked you. You get to go down and do the tug of war.

You're an asshole.

That's amazing.

I had no idea that was gonna happen.

You're a… You're a douche.

Were you doing tug of war with Michael Bublé?

I wish it was that. I wish it was me and Michael Bublé.

The whole purpose of me hanging out with him is that I wanted to have

a stronger connection with him,

be it, you know, emotionally or tied to him.

I would've taken being tethered to him physically.

Wasn't even Michael Bublé, because he had set me up.

I go down to the side of the ice hockey rink,

and there's this brick shithouse waiting for me.

He looked like Hodor in Game of Thrones,

and that's who I had to do the tug of war against.

This feels like a mismatch. What about that little old lady over there?

With the white hair? I'll do it against her.

Let's go!

I mean, I'm literally like his bitch now.

I mean, this is an absolute joke. Look, he's warming up.

Look at how seriously he's taking it.

He's got like the cold dead eyes of a killer as well.

He's gonna get his ass dragged around. This is gonna be amazing.

There he is.

-Let's go, Jack! -[crowd cheering]

[Michael] Let's go, Whitehall!

[grunts]

[laughs]

Let's go, Jack!

[grunting]

Fucking hell.

[grunting] Come here, you big bastard.

All I knew is I was getting my pants pulled down in front of 20,000 people,

whilst Bublé sat there giggling like a schoolboy that had just cupped a fart.

[driver] I'm shocked, but I can't see him punking people like that.

[Jack] Well, he did, okay?

He got killed.

[Jack] That man has a very sadistic streak.

-[Jack sighs] -That was awesome, my dude.

-Really, thank you, man. -No, don't…

I get emotional with these goodbyes. I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.

No, soon. That was amazing. That was a beautiful hang out.

Great hang.

Unfortunately, there was another catch, as is becoming a recurring motif

with this fucking piss-taker.

Turns out the plane couldn't land directly in Heathrow, and had to land

just outside of London, in Zurich.

-Why Zurich? -Well, they… The jet was going to Zurich.

As an experienced cab driver,

I know how to plan an efficient journey, and that is not it.

-Water? -I'm all good, thanks.

-Water, sir? -No, I'm good, thank you.

Oh, my God.

Dave Bautista?

Yeah. Hey. Hey, it's great to meet you. You must be Michael's friend.

-Sorry. What are you doing here? -It's my jet.

I told him I'd give you a lift.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

I gotta be honest, when he messaged me, I was gonna say no,

but after hearing your story, I was very moved, man.

Thank you. Trying to get back in time to see my family for Christmas.

Yeah, and the orphans.

What?

Are these the gifts? Can I look?

-Uh. Yeah, the gifts. -Yeah.

They're fun.

Yes, no, those are the gifts for the orphans.

Never know when that's gonna come in handy.

Um, you know, I just like to give a little bit back at this time of year.

Chocolate, you know how much kids love chocolate.

And travel adapters. Yeah, those are for the orphans.

-Not all heroes wear capes, eh? -[chuckles]

Or have blue skin and big red veins.

Guardians reference.

Just pop that in there. Thank you.

-[Dave clears throat] -[Jack] Ooh!

Champagne. Is this complimentary?

Well, I mean, technically I pay for it.

Oops.

Sorry. [chuckles]

Waste not, want not.

Oh. [slurps]

[groans] So bubbly. Oh, God. Fuck.

That's set off my acid reflux.

Got a spastic sphincter in my oesophagus. [exhales sharply]

Gosh. [groans] I should be all right if I just sit upright,

although there is a small chance that you might have to burp me.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

I don't mean to be rude, but I got some emails.

Oh, sorry. Yes.

-Hustle never sleeps. -[chuckles]

I'll let you get on with that. I've got some Christmas prep.

I can be busying myself with anyway.

[burps] Oh, sorry. There's that burp.

[tape crinkling]

[crinkling]

Do you have to do that now?

Sorry. I was just trying to get ahead of my wrapping.

Is that for the sick kids too?

Oh. No. Actually, this one is for you.

-Ah. -Merry Christmas.

Keep those pits smelling fresh.

Thank you. Very touched.

I can do the rest of my wrapping later.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Very antisocial of me.

More than happy to play a game instead to pass the time.

N-No. No, that's not what I meant.

I spy.

Mmm. Yeah, I'm not playing that game with you.

-Never have I ever. -[sighs] No.

-Name game? -No.

-Truth or dare? -No.

-Thumb war? -No.

-Twister? -No.

-Spin the bottle? -Dude, have you taken something?

What about a limerick?

There once was a man called Dave, rich of voice, firm of glute, very brave.

Do you ever stop talking?

-I'm gonna try to get some sleep. -[whispers] Oh, sorry.

-Thank you. -I'm being quite annoying, aren't I?

[groans, sighs]

Just a little bit.

Okay. Well, I totally respect that.

You're a raw dogger. You'll not hear another peep from me.

Fucking Michael.

[Dave sighs]

[crinkling]

-[clears throat] -[crinkling]

-[clears throat] -[crinkling continues]

Dude, what the hell?

Sorry, I'm just having a pork scratching.

-What? -It's a British delicacy.

It's like deep fried pork rind.

Do you have to eat them now?

Well, it's just that I'm on a bit of a bulk,

need to get my protein in, on the gain train,

you know what it's like, big man. I could just eat them…

I'll do it quickly.

Do you have a quieter snack?

Oh, actually, I also bought some pickled eggs.

Do not open that. Do not… Dude, don't open…

-[groans] -Oof.

Come on! Smells like someone died in there.

Honestly, they're rather moreish.

And here's a life hack, if you put them into your mouth

at the same time as the, uh, pork scratchings,

it's almost like having a full English breakfast in your mouth.

Oh, speaking of English breakfasts, I've also got some black pudding.

-Would you like some? -No! Get that away from me.

Dude, I'm done. Enough.

Just sit there and shut up until we land. Understood?

Yes, Dave.

On second thought.

-[tape crinkling] -[Jack] Oh. Oh!

[stammering]

[sighs]

I can see a few raised eyebrows in the front there.

You remind me a lot of a compulsive liar I knew at secondary school.

-[scoffs] -He said his dad was the Stig.

Right. Well, I'm not lying.

This is the truth. This is the God's honest truth.

Right, okay.

[Jack] So I land in Zurich nine hours later,

having been taped to a chair.

It got pretty messy.

Let's just say I had to bail my underpants on arrival.

[driver] Oh, God.

[Jack] Hope I never bump into Dave Bautista again.

But thankfully, things were looking up,

as I arrived to a message from the Great British bobsleigh team,

who told me that if I jumped on a train to St Moritz,

they could help me get a little bit closer to home.

-[driver] This is fucking mad. -[Jack] Yeah.

My phone had also blown up with yet more messages from Roxy,

who was having to man-mark my uncle Roger, keeping him away from the drinks cabinet.

I had to get this train.

[driver] That sounds a lot like Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

-Mmm. Does it? No. -In fact, it's even in the same order.

You went on a plane, then you went on a train.

That's just coincidence.

You're going on a train, you seriously going on a train now?

Yeah, yeah. There was then a train journey.

It actually happened.

It was a short, very scenic train, which is very famous

and looked very beautiful, like the kind of train that you'd see on a travel show.

-Right. -With Michael Portillo

wistfully looking out of the window and admiring all of the wonderful scenery.

It was like a wintry Hogwarts Express.

Proper train porn. Cutting its way through the mountains all the way to St Moritz,

and the waiting arms of the British bobsleigh team.

So they were in St Moritz

because it plays host to the Bobsledding World Cup.

That's ridiculous. You're just sort of lifting nineties movies now,

that's just Cool Runnings.

-Yeah. -Another film with John Candy.

Yeah, I do love the oeuvre of John Candy, but I do not see the parallels.

So I was told to meet the bobsleigh pros

at their state of the art training facility.

God bless that lottery funding.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Do you actually just do it in a car park?

-Pretty much, yeah. -[Jack] Really?

Is Cool Runnings right? Are the Austrian team as big a shitbags

as they come across in that film?

-Swiss. -[Jack] The Swiss, they're the worst?

-Are they actually? -Yeah, I hate them all.

-No, they're fine. -Massive thank you as well

for agreeing to give me a lift to France.

Such a touch, thank you.

There's gonna be one thing we need from you though.

-Need you to jump in the sled for us. -I'll jump in right now.

I'm not going down a hill though. I'll sit in it and I'll look at it,

and maybe we could pose for some pictures.

Absolutely no way I'm going down an actual bobsleigh track.

I'm afraid you're gonna stay in St Moritz then, if that's the case.

Your lift's at the bottom of the mountain. There's only one way down.

-What, are you scared? -Yes.

-I'm terrified. -There's nothing to be scared about.

How fast does it go? How often do you crash?

Those are the two questions that I will need an answer to

before I make a decision.

So you probably could get up to like 100 mph.

Fuck off. I'm not getting in that at 100 miles per hour.

I'm gonna give you this. So this is a race suit.

-It should be snug. -Skin tight Lycra.

You want me to get into skin tight Lycra and then stand next to the Chippendales.

-How about that? -That will be it.

Is there a changing room or…

-Probably not, we're in a car park. -Go into the corner.

[Jack] This is a fucking joke.

-Okay. -There he is.

-He's looking good. -Now we're talking.

I thought you were changing into it as well.

-No, you're the star. -Why do I have to look like a lemon,

you're just in your training gear.

-You look great. -Sorry, guys.

So it's Jack Grealish, he called, he wants his calves back.

Yeah, nice!

[Jack] Look at that. All right.

Okay, let's do it.

So the way this works is your pilot's in here.

Number two sits here, this is where you're gonna sit.

Wait, let me guess. Number three there?

-Bang on. -Four.

-You've sussed it. -You left him hanging.

Aw. Jesus.

Right, let's go, bro.

-Let's go! -Go!

-Go on, Jack. -Oh, no. That…

That's not good.

Okay.

I will admit. That one's on me.

Come on, Jack.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up! It's bobsleigh time!

I just died inside. [laughs]

[grunting]

That was a good effort.

How long is this cab drive, by the way?

[stammers] This is a shortcut.

We've been round Big Ben like five times.

Have you done The Knowledge?

-Hmm? -Have you done The Knowledge?

Is that a quiz show?

No, The Knowledge. All cab drivers have to pass The Knowledge.

[driver] All right, get on with it, I want to find out if you die in the bobsled.

[Jack] I mean, obviously I don't.

But picture the scene, I'm there, at the famous Bobsleigh World Cup,

packed full of elite athletes, and then there's me.

[German accent] Watch out for number 12 turn.

-What? -Watch out for number 12 turn.

-Okay, why? -Scary, huh?

[normal voice] How has no one seen that film?

Armed with a lycra suit and 25 minutes of training,

I was about to slide down a mountain. In a little tin can.

Let me guess, there was an Olympic champion nearby

who was happy to take you down.

Oh, for fuck…

[Jack] Yeah. Well, four time Olympic medallist Beat Hefti, as it happens.

Fuck.

-Is that a fucking joke? -It was a two man.

-S-So we'll be going faster than that? -No, the same.

The same speed.

The fastest way here is the safest.

That's just something you're saying to me.

The best way through this would have been just to blindfold me,

take me to the top of the mountain, put me in it

and then push me down.

The more of it that I'm seeing and the more that I'm talking to you,

the more it's making me feel like this is one of the worst decisions

I've ever made in my life.

Thankfully, as I headed up for my turn,

Team GB were in the middle of a practice run,

so I was able to watch my coaches show me exactly how the experts do it,

right up until the moment that they crashed.

[driver] This is bloody bonkers.

[Jack] I know. But I didn't have a lot of choice, did I?

If I was going to stand any chance of getting home.

Even if that was in a full body cast.

I see you guys on the big screen, you only bloody crashed.

[laughs]

Oh, my God. Honestly, I was like, those are the guys

-that taught me how to do it. -[laughing]

I've got one last thing that I need you to do for me.

-Go on then. -Kiss it.

-[team laughing] -[Jack sighs]

I basically spent most of the time making Cool Runnings jokes to them…

-[driver] Right. -…which did not play well

with the bobsledding community.

Can you imagine that?

Yes. Actually, yeah. I-I can.

That's going in there, is it?

-Now, he's ready to go. -Is he?

Steady.

-Steady. -Is that boiled, or is that fresh?

No, it's raw.

It's raw, okay.

-I should have probably boiled it. -Yeah, yeah.

[Jack] It might not sound it,

but at this point I was honestly bricking it.

And I wasn't getting a huge amount of emotional support from back home.

[phone chiming]

[driver] Did you fake this next bit then?

[Jack] No, genuinely not. Although I wish I had.

Because I was beginning to worry that my lucky egg wasn't gonna protect me

from a 90-mile-per-hour head-on collision.

Hey, do you have any, um… any kind of drugs?

-[paramedic] Do we have any kind of drugs? -[Jack] Tramadol? Do you have tramadol?

[paramedic] Something for the pain?

[Jack] No. Uh, something, uh, to just, like, knock me out.

-[laughing] -'Cause I'm about to do the bobsleigh.

Like ketamine. Do you have any ketamine?

-[paramedic] Uh… -[Jack] Just a key?

[paramedic] We can't give medicine for that one.

[Jack] Have you got a number for someone that can?

You can see the fear in his eyes.

[Jack] Am I here now?

-[groans] -Go on, Jack.

-[Jack] Okay. -You'll have a great time.

[Jack] Oh, God. This has been, like, a really bad idea.

Oh, God. I don't like it.

Nah, you're gonna be fine, mate.

-You'll be fine. -Just hold on tight.

[Jack] Remember, we don't have to impress anyone,

we just go down at a leisurely pace, at our own pace.

Jack.

It's normal to shit yourself.

Just clench your buttocks.

[Jack] Right. Okay. But in case I can't, I'd lower your visor.

-[pilot] We go? -[Jack] We're gonna go?

Right. Enjoy.

-Let's go, Jack. -Come on, Jack.

[cheering]

[Jack] I've changed my mind, I wanna go back.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus. [laughs]

[cheering]

Oh, God!

[cheering, shouting]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna be sick.

Holy shit.

[screaming]

Fucking hell!

Mary, mother of Jesus.

Are we there yet?

[groaning, retching]

[Jack sighs, cheers]

Oh, my God.

That was insane.

[groaning]

[laughs] Oh, my…

Oh, my God.

[chuckling] That was so much faster than I thought.

I'm literally shaking.

[sighs] It was like the most extreme roller coaster times ten.

Honestly. And you're like thrown around.

-Good job. [laughs] -I managed to keep my eyes open.

-And my arsehole shut. -Can I help you?

[Jack] Yeah.

So… [laughs]

Oh, my God. Where did the egg go?

It's literally…

-Where has it gone? -[laughing]

[groans] For f…

[groans]

[sighs] Geez.

Right, I think I'm retired from bobsleighing now.

That's egg, not shit, by the way. Egg.

Yeah, really happy with the performance today.

St Moritz is never an easy place to come, but, uh…

Sorry, you need to come out of here right now.

-Because we're doing runs. -Oh, sorry. Oh, right.

-[director] Can you… -I was just, sorry.

[director] Please.

-I was just doing a post-match interview. -Yeah, no, you need to leave. Thank you.

-Thanks. -Cheers.

That's egg by the way, not shit.

Did the bobsleigh, so that's that off the bucket list.

Yeah, allegedly.

No, I… not allegedly. Genuinely.

-But anyway… -[driver] Yeah, sorry, go on.

[Jack] Enough about that leg of the journey.

[horn honking]

[toilet flushes]

[Jack] So after that, I grabbed my things and got in the Team GB minibus

which was able to take me as far as Megève in France.

And I assume that you magically know somebody there

that's gonna help you out.

-Yes, I did. -Of course.

None other than internationally renowned star of Wonka,

actor and comedian, Tom Davis.

-[phone chimes] -[Tom] Whitehall, you streak of piss,

heard you're in Megève and you need to get home for Christmas.

Don't worry, my brother, I've got you sorted.

-[Jack] So, what are you doing out here? -[Tom] I'm writing my memoirs.

I wanted to get some space, some clarity, so I hired a little chalet.

-That's a good idea. -I came here then forgot my laptop,

so I've just sort of been going out and getting drunk quite a lot.

So this woman here, she's what they call out here a musher.

-A musher? -Yeah.

That's what all the lads down the bar call her.

-Big Musher. So… Ooh, careful. -Ooh. [laughs]

[whines]

And I can definitely call her a musher? That's not a problematic thing.

-Just call her Big Musher. -Okay.

So Tom's ludicrous plan to get me across the Alps

and closer to home was to enter France's most prestigious husky race,

which set off from Megève the next day.

-[driver] Right. -[Jack] I know.

He insisted it was a good idea.

To be honest, I think he'd been drinking again.

-Oh, hello, Sandra. -Hello.

But you are a musher, right?

-Yeah. I'm a musher. -[Jack] Hiya.

You're the big musher. Nice to meet you.

-This is the big musher. -Hello.

Um, obviously she's not as big, but, uh, we call you Big Musher.

-Uh, Le Grand Musher in French. -[laughs]

[speaks French]

-Yeah. That's French. -That's French for something.

Yeah. So, uh, I've not mushed before. Um, but a fan of mushing.

Uh, this is Jack.

-[Jack] Yeah. But I've also… -Enchanté, Jack.

…yet to mush.

"Enchanté, Jack" means, "Enchanted to meet you".

Oh, thank you very much. I didn't realise I had a translator as well.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I do a little bit.

-[Jack] How long have you been a musher? -[Sandra] Thirty six years.

-Wow. -Thirty six years.

That's older than you, right? How old are you, man?

-Thirty five, yeah. -Thirty five.

So you were one year into your mushing when Jack was… Yeah.

He's very good at maths as well, not just French.

He's got so many talents.

Are you going to just take us through all the GCSE subjects in this conversation?

Flex in each of them.

-[Sandra] Yeah. -[Jack] Those dogs have started crying

cause they've realised they're the ones taking Tom.

Are they discussing it at the moment, saying who's got the big guy?

Yeah. Oh, please, not me.

-Now I have to teach you how to mush. -[Jack] Yeah.

So this is the brake.

If you stay on your sledge, your best friend is the brake.

It's when you drive your car.

-I don't actually have a driver's licence. -Neither do I.

Some are born to drive, others were born to be driven.

We thought we were getting driven today.

I did genuinely think we were gonna get driven.

The only thing I don't want to do is have you passenger.

-No, so we're gonna go… -[Jack] Let's get mushing.

-You understand everything? -A bit of it.

-Yeah? Really? -How wrong can it go, right?

[barking]

[Sandra] Okay. Good?

[Tom] They're ready to go. They're getting spicy.

I think they've seen a cat.

[Sandra] Push on your brake, Tom, please.

Hey! Push on your brake, push on your brake.

-[Tom] Fucking hell. -[Jack laughing]

[Jack] Tom!

It's okay.

Push on the brake. [laughs]

You push on the brake. [laughs]

Yeah, I'm all right. Fuck me. This is insane.

I've never seen anything like it. We've got to take it seriously.

[Tom] I actually went over the fucking thing.

-[Jack] Are you all right? -Yeah, I am.

[Jack] I thought we'd lost you for a moment.

-Tom? -[Tom] Yeah.

If you're planning on doing another of those somersaults,

can you let me know so I can get my phone out?

[Sandra] Tom. Come on, Jack. Tom.

Let the brake go, let the brake go.

And off we go. [whistles]

Look at me.

[Sandra] Brake, brake, brake. Brake. Brake. Brake.

[Jack] You're a natural.

Ah! [cheers]

I might not be able to drive, but I can dog.

D-Drive dogs. Not, you know… You know what I mean.

Hyah!

Come on, lads.

Oh, shit. [shrieking]

Meanwhile, the 6'6" ton of fun was having an absolute shocker at the office.

[Tom] Fucking hell. They're going too quick.

They're going too fucking quick.

They're going… I can't have six of these fucking things,

it's insane.

Fuck me.

[Jack] You've just got to try and be a bit more in control.

What I did is I just had that there, and then you're just feathering that as well.

-Are you feathering that? -You're feathering that.

Since we've been here, you've got real husky tendencies.

-What? -You've become like them.

-Yeah, I have. -You're a know-all.

I'm not a know-all. I'm just trying to give my friend some…

You and Sandra, yeah, I know, but all this…

-…helpful advice. -Wait,

-I've never heard you say feathering. -What?

And now you're saying about feathering stuff.

They need to know that you're the boss. Right?

I think right now, you're the bitch.

And you need to get in there, and you need to show some authority.

Win hearts and minds over.

[Tom] Hey, guys.

It's Tom from back there.

I know what's going on here.

You guys don't respect me.

And I don't know if I like you.

-You know… They're all sitting down. -Tell them to get up.

-Guys, can you get up? -Stand to attention.

A little bit of respect here.

This is ridiculous. This just feels very much like my marriage.

-[laughs] -[dogs barking]

[Jack] Even though time was running out for me,

night was drawing in,

so Tom and I decided to do what the mushers do,

pitch a tent, light a fire,

and hunker down for the night with our dogs.

Yeah, I just can't imagine you camping out.

A tent, really?

Yep. That is a bit of me. I love the great outdoors.

This is Brokeback Mountain vibes.

No. It wasn't.

It was more of a… like a platonic Brokeback Mountain.

With conversational intercourse rather than actual intercourse.

But the conversational intercourse was very free-flowing.

He's a wonderful man.

Great company.

And an amazing fuck.

-[laughs] Sorry. -[chuckles]

[phone chiming]

Two old pals sat by a fire.

You should know that the fire won't reach inside the tent.

You'll have to rely on me for your heat.

[sighs] I'm a lucky man.

[Tom] Are you looking forward to Christmas?

[Jack] Yeah, I love Christmas.

[Tom] First one for you as a father, right?

-Uh, second. Second. -Second? But first… Yeah, yeah.

I'm thinking about with my daughter, really making a big deal out of it.

So basically what I'd do is I'd turn round and say,

on Christmas morning, going,

call the police 'cause someone's been in the house,

I'll leave big, snowy footprints everywhere.

-Yeah? -Right?

And then sort of eat loads of fucking food,

smash up bits of the house and stuff.

And then on the Ring doorbell, I'll dress up as Santa,

but I'll change my walk and stuff,

so there's clear evidence that Santa does exist.

So, it's like a cross between, like, Santa coming down

the chimney to deliver presents, and a home invasion?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

But then at least for me, it's like, she's never gonna question it.

What, so if you make it quite traumatic?

-Not traumatic, but… -It sounds pretty traumatic.

-Yeah, but if there's evidence. -There's like a broken window.

And if she hears me going, "Get a baseball bat. Get a bat!

Someone's in the house."

"Ho, ho, ho."

And then tell her in a couple of years' time,

-you know… -Yeah, yeah.

…you survived that, but that's how we lost your brother.

[laughing]

Yeah, I mean, that's sort of taken more of a sinister turn, to be honest.

Santa Claus. At one point it was just a burglary,

-now it sounds like it's… Yeah. -Yeah.

-It's more like Taken. -Yeah.

Oh, look, they're just…

Yep.

Sniffing each other's arseholes.

Yeah, if we're lucky, we'll get to watch two huskies make love.

Or two huskies may get to watch us make love.

-Oh, wow. -Oh. [laughs]

-Can someone film this? -Welcome to the show.

Did you do this as a kid?

What? [stammers]

[laughs]

Camping out.

-Go on. -I was going to say.

I had quite a gregarious scout leader who used to take me into the woods.

We'd make a fire and he'd bring his old Alsatian Lucky.

We went camping once, to Salcombe in Devon.

I can't imagine Michael…

No, well, he didn't. We went as a family.

He drove on to the campsite, he took one look at the bathroom facilities…

-Yeah. -…got back into the car, left us there,

and then checked into a B & B down the road.

-Wow. Hilary stuck it out though? -So…

She stuck it out, yeah, yeah.

She said it was the best holiday 'cause he was down the road.

This, for me, I'd much rather be in a sauna in a hotel,

cracking the top off a couple of smooth ones.

No, I'm all about this. Right, shall we call it a night?

[Tom] Yeah, come on. Jump in.

[Jack groaning]

[Tom] That's it, elegant as ever.

[Jack] Oh, yeah.

[Tom] Here he comes.

[Jack] Here he comes.

[Tom] Oh, she's a nice one.

Are you taking off your salopettes? You're not sleeping naked in here, Tom.

-[Tom] I have to. -You… [chuckles]

-It gets so hot in these sleeping bags. -[Jack] It's gonna get freezing.

Jack, I have to sleep naked. I sleep naked at home.

[Jack] I don't want your big arse rubbing up

against my back in the middle of the night.

[Tom] Well, then you should have brought your own fucking sleeping bag.

[Jack groans]

The other thing I'd say about Tom Davis is…

-Mmm? -…quite a restless sleeper.

-Oh, really? -Oh, yeah.

At one point he had a nightmare.

I feared for my life.

Did you ever see that scene in The Revenant

where Leonardo DiCaprio fights the bear?

-Imagine that… -Right.

…but they're both in the same sleeping bag.

-Fucking hell. -Yeah.

Do you know, my brother used to get those when he was a teenager,

and he used to wake up screaming,

looking at a poster of Melinda Messenger on his wall.

Really?

And he used to, uh, walk onto the, uh, landing

and piss through the bannisters.

[chuckles]

Wow. Well, I'm glad that it didn't trigger the same reaction in Tom,

because that would not have been nice in the sleeping bag.

-[laughs] -So, where was I?

As the sun rose on Christmas Eve, I was so close to home, I could taste it.

This husky race, known as La Grande Odyssée,

which is French for The Big Odyssey, started soon.

And the first leg ended near a train station

-where I could catch a train to London. -[train whistle blows]

But after Tom's fall, we had to think about what we were gonna do with him.

[bell tolls]

Oh, God, you didn't bury him in the snow, did you?

-What? -You know, hide the evidence.

-No. He didn't-- -You didn't cut off bits of his flesh

for sustenance?

No, he didn't die. He just--

Oh, right, right, right. Yeah.

I didn't bury him in the woods.

No. We decided that it would be better the following day, during the race,

for him to sit on the sleigh instead of stand on it,

-because he was injured. -Oh.

This is a tight fit.

You look like ET.

Mushers Tom Davis and Jack Whitehall!

[crowd cheering]

Yeah! Allez, allez, allez!

Vive la France!

[announcer] Three, two, one, go!

-Yeah! Yeah! -[Tom] Go, Jack!

Yeah!

Yes!

[both cheering]

[Jack groans] Ow!

Fuck.

Bollocks.

[musher] Are you okay?

Yeah, good. I mean, this is more my kind of thing, if I'm honest.

[Jack] Hurry up, Tom.

Tom might have been able to put up his gigantic size 18 feet,

but I could not miss that train.

So I was mushing harder than anyone had ever mushed before.

This is like a fucking fever dream, isn't it?

Yeah, it's quite strange.

[Tom] The dogs don't stop farting.

Disgusting.

I thought I was gonna be like the snow queen from Narnia.

Now I feel like a big fucking bit of toilet paper.

-[burps] -[Jack] Oi!

Come on. [exclaiming]

[Tom] Whitehall, what are you doing?

-[Jack] You trying to over-- -I'm over here, mate.

This is not a stag do, Tom.

This is après-mushing.

It's not après-mushing if it's not afterwards.

-[Tom] What do you mean? -"Après" means "after".

[grunting]

Sadly the time had come for me to say goodbye to Tom.

Whilst he was heading to the finish line

with a pack of flatulent dogs who clearly despised him,

I had a train to catch.

[Tom] Well, big man.

It's been a real joy man.

-[Jack] This is it. -Did you enjoy it?

So basically the train station is that way.

Uh… Keep following the snow and the trees.

When you come out of the Forest of Hope, just keep going,

-and then you'll see the train station. -Great. And I can park that…

Yeah, just leave it there. It'll be fine.

The huskies will find their way back through the forest.

It's been really good catching up.

And you know what, I feel like I've got a new chapter for my memoir.

-Jack! Good luck. -Bye. Bye!

-Au revoir, Jack. Au revoir. -Okay. Bye.

See you soon.

-[Jack] Nearly there. -[driver] Did they ever find Tom's body?

I didn't kill him.

That's what they all say.

I said goodbye to Tom.

-That's the end of Tom, okay? And then… -[scoffs]

No, not the end. Not like that.

Why? Don't make that noise.

As in I said goodbye to him

-and it was the end of my time with Tom. -Oh, yeah.

Not the end of Tom.

I left Tom and headed to the train station to catch a ride home.

-[whistle blows] -[announcer shouts]

[Jack] Unfortunately the train to London was sold out.

But I wasn't gonna let a stumbling block like that stop me.

I snuck on board where I found

a temptingly unattended train guard's uniform.

-Oh, that's, um… -Convenient?

Yeah, convenient. Yeah, that's the word.

Indeed.

[Jack] Time really was running out now. My partner was at her wit's end.

The house was filling with guests. If I was gonna save Christmas,

I'd need to use my powers of deception and masterful improv skills.

What time is this train due to arrive in London?

-I don't know. -Oh.

-[passenger] Uh, s'il vous plaît? -[Jack] Oui, oui. Merci.

Oh. Rebel Wilson.

-Yeah. -Big fan.

Oh, thanks, yeah. Yeah, cool. Um…

Would you be able to help me put that in there?

-Uh… Yeah, sure. -[sighs] Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Jack] Oh, my God. That's heavy.

Jesus Christ, what have you got in there?

Wine. I went mad at the duty-free. [chuckling]

Like, just, you know,

when you gotta meet the family for Christmas…

-[imitating gulping] -[grunting]

-[exhales] -Use your core strength.

Okay. Thank you.

-[grunting] -Come on, Big Dan.

You can do it. You can do it. Yes.

-[sighs] -Could I get a tea, please?

-What? -Could I have a tea, please?

Oh, no, sorry.

I… I don't actually work here.

-What? -Just keep this on the DL,

but, uh, I'm actually one of your clan.

You're an Aussie?

What? No. [chuckles]

[Australian accent] Of course not, mate. I'm not a bloody Aussie, yeah.

Get a couple of cold ones and go down and footy with some sheilas, yeah.

-That's very culturally insensitive. -[normal voice] Okay.

I meant that I am an actor.

Oh! [chuckles] Yeah, of course.

You're an out-of-work actor who works part-time on the trains.

-What? -Yeah.

Let me give you some advice.

Maybe stick to the train job.

Acting is only for certain people who are like really intelligent,

and that have the face for it.

So it's easier

if you just give up on your dreams before they give up on you.

I don't work on the train.

-No. -[gasps] Are you a stowaway?

-Should I call security? Security? -No, no.

-Security! -No. [shushes] Okay.

Right. No, you were right.

I was mistaken. I do work for the train.

So what was it? Uh, tea?

Yeah. Just, um, a tea, please, Ranjit.

-Oh. Sorry. Yes. -That's a really unusual name.

You're called Rebel.

-Is my tea coming? Yeah. -Yeah. Of course.

Okay. Thanks, Ranj.

-May I? -Yeah, I'll be with you in a sec.

-Monsieur? -No.

Your tea.

[exclaims] That's so hot.

-Okay, well… -[exclaims]

-Well, if you wait a minute it won't be. -[exclaims]

Stop doing that.

[shrieks] That's even worse.

[exclaiming]

All right. Blow on it?

You can't say that to a woman anymore.

What? No.

Look, I'll just… I'll just take another one.

This was all wrong. [scoffs]

You want me to make you another… Identical?

I'll just take a bottle of water as well, please.

-Okay. -Yeah.

Thank you.

Still or sparkling?

Still.

-Excuse me? -Yeah.

Can I have this sandwich, please?

Right. Okay.

Oh.

-Oh, great. -Oh, that's not actually…

And I'll just need some ice.

You couldn't have told me that before?

Okay. Some ice.

-[muttering] Tea's too hot. Tea's too hot. -S'il vous plaît?

[in French] A glass of Côtes De Provence, please.

-[in English] Okay. -Merci.

[Jack sighs]

-Sandwich. -Yes, yes, yes.

Re the food situation, I think I'll order the cheese board.

Just I don't do dairy.

So what, you just want the board?

Well, it says it comes with some crackers.

Right. So you'd like some crackers.

-Yeah, I'm not really that hungry. -Okay.

-That's all you want? 100%? -Mm-hmm.

You've perused the rest of the menu?

There's some lovely stuff on here.

Lots of entrées and…

-Doesn't interest me. -No?

-You just want crackers? -Yeah.

[fingers snapping]

[in French] I didn't ask for a red. Côtes De Provence.

[in English] Okay.

Merci.

[Jack] Bon appétit.

Thank you.

There we are.

All the crackers.

Actually, I changed my mind.

I think I'm gonna go for the full Christmas dinner.

That feels like a real pivot from crackers.

Ah, I think I see the guard in the other carriage.

Ranjit, is that you?

Okay, I'm going.

Christmas dinner.

This is the wrong sandwich.

I ordered a vegetarian.

This one's got ham in it.

Uh, s'il vous plaît? Côtes De Provence. Rosé?

[Jack] There we are.

Rosé.

Salut.

One Christmas dinner.

What is this?

[breathes deeply]

That is a Christmas dinner with turkey, gravy, all of the trimmings.

No, but I'm Australian, so I clearly meant an Australian Christmas dinner.

Right. At this point, what would happen if I said no?

You know what, I was just thinking about what goes on in French prisons.

And the men, when they do a poop,

they just have to do it in a hole in the ground

while their cellmate, who's a serial killer, watches.

And then you're there, trying to squeeze one out,

and the serial killer's just looking at you,

staring right up your arsehole.

Fuck my life.

-[objects clattering] -[Jack groaning] Fuck.

How does that even…

Where am I meant to find coal?

[smoke alarm blaring]

[Jack coughing]

Are these snags to Madam's liking?

-[coughing] -[Rebel] Uh, I guess they'll do.

[announcer] We will be shortly arriving at London St Pancras.

Please be ready to disembark.

Thank God for that.

Would you mind fetching my big suitcase from down there,

and then just helping me down with that one?

I'd love to.

[suitcase thuds]

-[zipper opens] -[sighs]

[trickling]

Are you okay, hon?

[zipper closes]

I got my bags myself.

What? Then…

[gasps, groans]

If anyone asks, my name is Ranjit.

[bell tolls]

This is me. Just up here, mate.

Okay. I can't stop.

What do you mean you can't stop?

[driver] I'm gonna have to go round, up by the Nando's.

We can literally just pull up over there.

-There's an ATM by the Nando's. -[horns honking]

All right, mate!

Okay.

We are literally driving away from my house now.

It's just, I've literally

had such an epic journey to get back here in time for Christmas.

It would be such a shame to miss it now,

'cause we're driving around trying to find an ATM.

-Yeah. 'Cause I do only take cash. -I'd love to--

It says "Contactless payments accepted."

Right there on the window and on the door.

Just stop the car.

-Take everything that I've got. -[bell tolling]

I-I need to get out.

Thanks!

God, he went on a bit, didn't he?

Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

[patron] Merry Christmas.

-[tyres screech] -[horn honks]

Sorry.

[knocks on door]

-Merry Christmas! [sighs] -[alarm beeping]

I can't believe I made it back in time.

In time? It's midnight.

Right. This is gonna sound a little bit farfetched,

but my driver cancelled in New York.

So Jimmy Fallon said that he could give me a lift to the airport.

Only it turned out it was Seattle Airport,

which was fine, because Michael Bublé was there,

and we got to hang out and go ice skating.

He even offered to sing from the closet while we made love,

which is definitely an offer that I think we should take him up on. Or not.

Then I bummed a lift with Dave Bautista on his private jet.

Lovely man but possibly has some anger management issues.

I landed in Zurich, took a picturesque Alpine train,

bobsledded down to the bottom of the mountain,

met up with Tom Davis, nearly killed him in a husky race.

Popped onto the Eurostar,

somehow wound up becoming Rebel Wilson's manservant,

and then got in a cab here.

That is the worst excuse I've ever heard.

But you're here now and just in time for dinner with my auntie Mo.

Auntie Mo?

You!

Merry Christmas.

You cocksucker.