Original subtitles

NATSUKI PRODUCTIONS - FIRST PRODUCTION {Sign}

Oh?

Is this... A desert?

But why? Just why?

Was that fourth highball I had three days ago to blame?

Or was it because I switched from wooden sandals to beach sandals ten years ago?

No, no way. That's ridiculous.

Hey, you there.

What?

Are these yours?

Who are you?

I'm Star Girl! I came all the way from the Andromeda Galaxy.

You're a star girl from the Andromeda galaxy?

From across space, I came from Andromeda

I made it here in 203 days

Who am I, who am I?

I'm Star Girl!

I'm ever-so curious, and I do love me my men

Isn't there anything neat out here?

When you feel my antennas beeping

Then there's just no hesitating!

Head straight off to the end of space!

What are you doing in the desert, anyway?

Here on a trip?

Hunting for treasure, maybe?

Oh, did you drop your wallet somewhere?

What, am I wrong?

But then, what are you doing in a place like this?

Hey, if I knew that, I wouldn't be so...

What's this?

What's it doing here?

Welcome to the Dreamlands!

The Dreamlands...?

That's right! Tickets, please!

Here's a hip! {Note}

Note: 'Ticket' (kippu) rhymes with 'hip' (hippu) in Japanese. {TL Note}

No, no, I said tickets! Your tickets, mister!

-Here... -Thank you! I'll just have a look...

Boy, what a riot!

Isn't it? It really is, isn't it?!

Boy, what a laugh!

Oh, goodness!

At some point, it came to me that I'd been born into an exceptionally unexceptional household.

Hey there, Yuki here!

First, let's read a letter from Yuki's-Little-Bro.

"My parents are super ordinary! How ordinary, you ask?"

"My mom's favorite read is The Weekly Heibon. My dad's is Heibon Punch." {Note}

TL Note: 'Heibon' translates to 'ordinary' - "Weekly Heibon" and "Heibon Punch" are both real magazines. {TL Note}

"Their favorite TV star is Taira Bontaro!" {Note}

TL Note: A real comedian - the first two kanji of his name can be read as 'heibon'. {TL Note}

Hey, I don't think the kids these days get that reference.

"And you know what else, Yuki? My dad works at Heibon Trading!"

"Also, guess what! I live in Heibon Town, in the Heibon-Taira district, in the Heibon Apartments!"

"It's so embarrassing, I'm better off dead! What do you think I should do, Yuki?"

So, being ordinary, huh? Well, I can't say I like it that much myself.

But not as much as you, at least. Being ordinary is hard in and of itself, don't you think?

But if you really hate being ordinary so much, why don't you just hold the idea in a cross-grip?

TL Note: A 'cross-grip' is a move in sumo wrestling. {TL Note}

You could take up sumo wrestling. That's what I think, at least.

Happy birthday, son! Let's have a toast.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Good for you, son.

The day I turned seven...

...was when I noticed how unremarkable it all was. Three days later, I knew what blood lust felt like.

And on the fourth day, my litmus test finally turned blue.

Why, that's right! Nothing beats normal!

So says Mrs. Nakazawa, from her home in Den-en-choufu.

Another day, another refresher! That's our Ordinary Drink!

Whenever the opportunity struck, I'd apply my nelson hold and gaburi-yori skills...

TL Note: 'Gaburi-yori' is a move in sumo wrestling. {TL Note}

...but they only served to turn my litmus test red.

As I continued to battle against the sheer tedium, a change came about me.

Indeed! My sheer love for the limelight came with an energy so intense it could never be contained!

And so, my mind was made up.

Yes, I decided to become Ultraman!

Not three minutes after I'd made my decision, I ran, straight towards the path of becoming Ultraman!

SHUWATCH!

But Ultraman's path would only lead to a certain Hokkaido winter.

It happened on the 13th Friday of my fourth year of primary school.

What, Ultraman? What are ya, slow?

Ain't nothin' good about Ultraman! He ain't got brains, he's too simple!

He ain't got nothin' but brawn! He thinks he's got all the power he needs...

...and he always resorts to violence! He's bad news, ain't he?

Whaddaya mean, bad news?! No, he ain't! Ain't he fighting for a peaceful Earth?!

Look, ya ever seen Ultraman solve a problem with his words?

You ain't, right? He talks about justice, but it's just a front!

-He's just there to appeal to the more belligerent members of Japanese society!

-Moron, no he ain't!{overlap}

If ya could just talk everythin' out, why do we have the police? Why do we have the JSDF?!

Ya sound like an LDP member! You're way too short-sighted! {Note}

TL Note: The LDP - the Liberal Democratic Party of Japan. {TL Note}

C'mon, how many cities did Ultraman destroy?

How many people died pinned under the rubble, ya ever think about that?!

That means Ultraman's the real destroyer!

I can't say I had a good grasp of what Rika was saying.

And sure, I did try to be rational and tell myself this was all way above a grade schooler's level...

Ow!

Ya see, that's what your Ultraman's all about!

I rejected Ultraman, then and there.

And from that day on, I knew that I would become Mirror-Man!

My constitution changed, and I couldn't go on living if I didn't check the mirror at least 24 times a day.

On days I had the runs or was just plain constipated, just looking at a mirror calmed me down!

Oh, you're a narcissist!

What?!

Did you call me an onanist?!

No, a narcissist.

At any time, any place—you're Mirror Man

24 hours a day, you're Mirror Man

The thing that you love most

Why, that's the narcissist Mirror Man!

At any time, any place—you're Mirror Man

24 hours a day, you're Mirror Man

A narcissist that doesn't know fear!

You know, I keep having this dream.

A dream?

Yeah.

There was this play in grade school, called The Bird-Beast Wars.

-I played the bat. -The bat?{double}

Yeah...

KITSUNE UDON {Sign}

Come again!

Oh...

Thank you!

Here you go.

So, the play's all about a war between birds and mammals.

And the bat, it kept siding with whoever was winning. Sometimes, it'd be with the birds...

...and sometimes, it'd fight with the mammals. But since it kept going back and forth between the two...

...it ended up getting shunned by both sides. That's what the story was about.

Wow, so it's the main role.

I still dream about playing the bat.

I keep apologizing, but the beasts don't forgive me, and neither do the birds.

Huh...

You know, if we go by the Freudian interpretation...

What's the interpretation?

Whoa!

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Wow, you scared me!

You're not Dracula, are you?

Say, do I look like Kitanoumi to you? {Note}

TL Note: Kitanoumi was a famous Japanese sumo wrestler. {TL Note}

Nope.

Well, as long as you understand.

Alright, tickets please.

PIP - MAGNETIC BANDS {Sign}

Some pips! {Note}

Note: 'Pip' and 'Ticket' (kippu) rhyme, Pip being a Japanese medicine company. {TL Note}

No, tickets! I said tickets!

So you think so too, Yumi? You're right.

Yasutaka Tsutsui's humor is just absolute genius.

Not in the same way I'm a genius, though.

And when did you become a genius, exactly?

Remember the other day? You were eating irori soba, and I was eating umekata soba.

That's when it hit me: I'm a genius.

Huh...

I just had this great idea. What do you think it is?

Dunno.

See, I'm writing a novel about the umi-bouzu sea monsters.

TL Note: The "umi-bouzu" is a sea monster found in Japanese folklore. {TL Note}

How much do you know about them?

Dunno.

See, nobody's seen one in person so far, right?

Boy, I'm such a genius! Don't you think so, too?

Dunno.

What's that supposed to mean? Dummy...

For crying out loud...

So, anyway, I thought of a nickname for my sea monster.

What do think it is?

Dunno...

Takodai Nyuudou.

TL Note: A play on 'tako-nyuudou', a term drawing similarities between an octopus's head to a monk's shaven one. {TL Note}

Boy, I have some great ideas, don't I?

Takodai Nyuudou. Well, what do you think?

I dunno, I really don't.

Hey, how come you're always like this?

You know you're exhausting, right?

Not long after I got into a second-rate Tokyo university, I tried to pen a submission for the Naoki Literary Prize.

At that point, I was as resistant of normalcy as ever. I just didn't care quite as much.

Yes?

Yes, that's me.

What?

Who, me?!

You're sure?!

Right...

Right.

Right!

I did it!

No way!

It's true.

Huh, so you actually got an award for a sci-fi short story.

What do you know...

Well, who knows! You just might be a genius after all!

"I love chocolate parfait. The nay-sayers call me girly for it!"

"So anyway, I've got the guts! I'm still gonna eat chocolate parfait." Hey, that's just fine! {radio}

Stop it...

If you like it, take pride and eat it in front of everyone! That's how I see it.{radio}

Come on, that's enough.

This next song goes out to our resident chocolate parfait lover, Mr. Poultry-Drowned-at-Sea!{radio}

You're such a perv!

Am I, though?

Oh, the pleasure!

You idiot.

Are you ready?

Still not.

Are you ready?

Still not...

Are you ready?

Still not...

Seriously?!

Okay, upsie-daisy.

There we go.

There we go...

There we... go...

What are you doing?

Just some service, that's all.

I'm fine, I don't need service.

C'mon, it's just service.

I already said no.

Why, though?

-I just don't! What are you doing? -C'mon, it's just a service, that's all!{double}

-Oh, for crying out loud... -Hey, that's service, this is service...{double}

It's all service...

Let's dine on service this day...

Not long now...

It's just service. Hey, I can't unhook this.

Wait, let's see...

Wait...

Um...

There we go, it's off.

Alright, let's get started.

C'mon, just take this seriously.

Sheesh...

Come on, put some feeling into it!

Hey, put on a rubber.

Do I have to?

Not today, too risky.

Sheesh, fine, I get it...

I really don't like condoms...

Can't feel anything with these...

There we go...

I've gotta write this report about sexual energy, and its link to imagination....

You know... Freud said that sexual energies were...

Wait, I'm not there yet.

I'm not there...

Sexual energies... They're...

Ener... Ener...!

...gy!

Oh, you.

AS FOR THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YUMI AND MYSELF,{Sign}

THOUGH IT WOULD CONTINUE FOR 6 MONTHS AND 13 DAYS, IT CAME TO AN ABRUPT END ONE DAY.{Sign}

THE UNDERLYING CAUSE, ONE CAN SURMISE, WAS MY INSATIABLE LOVE FOR ATTENTION.{Sign}

My heart in pieces, I would submit sci-fi short stories with unyielding fervor. And yet...

Coming...

You've got mail.

Oh, thanks a lot!

Let's see...

MR. MAN {Sign}

SUPER ORDINARY PUBLISHING {Sign}

Rejected?!

REJECTED {Sign}

Oh, damn it all...

What do I do...?

You've got mail.

Oh, thanks...

Rejected?! Wait, this one, too?!

This one, too?!

-You've got mail. -Hey, hold on a sec...!{double}

This one! So's this one!

-You've got mail. -Just shut it, man!{double}

-What, this one, too?! Gimme some good news for once!{double}

-You've got mail.

Oh, come on! This one?! This one, too!

-You've got mail. -This one, too! This one, too!{double}

-They're all rejected! -You've got mail.{double}

Oh, damn, damn!

-You've got mail. -Wait, so's this one! So's this! And this! {double}

-This one, too! -You've got mail.{double}

-No, they're all rejected! -You've got mail. {double}

They're all rejected, all of them!

Damn!

I don't know why, but after my first sci-fi submission, not a single thing I wrote would be accepted.

As I sat there, fraught with disbelief, my time at the university was already running out.

When I came to my senses, I was back to an ordinary life...

Ah, lemme think. Bein' ordinary, ya say?

Ain't that just the best thing there is?

So says Mrs. Minagawa, from her home in Kyoto.

Another day, another refresher. The Ordinary Drink.

Almost as if spurred on by all of normalcy, I dived head-first into looking for employment.

What's this?

So your hobby is studying sea monsters?

Yes, sir.

Huh. Sea monsters, you don't say.

Do you dislike sea monsters, sir?

Well, I can't say I feel much either way.

So you hate them, sir...?

Look here, it's hardly a question of like or dislike, is it?

-You really hate sea monsters that much, sir?! -Awfully insistent, aren't you?{double}

You hate them! You hate sea monsters!

But why? What's the reason?!

-What's so wrong with sea monsters?! -Look here, you!{double}

You bastard! What don't you like about sea monsters?! What's wrong with them, just say it!

No one's said anything to that effect!

It's that damn look in your eyes!

Those damn eyes! I can feel their disdain!

-Hey, someone get in here! -Yes, sir!{double}

Escort this man outside, now!

-Yes, sir. -And you know what?!{double}

-Hating sea monsters, what does that even mean?! -Alright now, come along. {double}

Hey, what is this?! This is discrimination! Conservative reactionist! Fascist! Screw off!

You're the worst! A snake! A total jag-off!{double}

Let go! Let go of me, damn you!

I don't believe them, those little...! Screw them, screw them all to—

Ain't matter what nobody says, ain't nothin' beat bein' normal!

So says Mr. Mimura, from his home in Nagasaki.

Another day, another refresher!

So good!

The Ordinary Drink!

It's your big sis, Yuki! Let's start the day with a letter from Chiba's Taro-Potato.{radio}

One, two, three, four...

"I've been super depressed lately."{radio}

Five, six, seven, eight...

"You see, I've been totally failing in job-hunting."{radio}

"I know just focusing on big companies has its issues, but I kept hoping I'd get into one. It's really disappointing." {radio}

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve...

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen....

"There's so many small companies, but you never know when they'll go broke."{radio}

Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty...

"At least big companies are rather stable, right? They're better in terms of welfare benefits, too."{radio}

Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four...

"And my mom, she keeps saying it has to be a top-tier company." {radio}

Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight...

"But hey, I think so too. I've been thinking about just repeating a year and aiming for the best."{radio}

Twenty-nine, thirty... Thirty-two...

"Yuki, what do you think? Let me know!"{radio}

Oh, at your age? Bad idea!{radio}

There's more than just the big companies out there! But Yuki admits, a bigger company might be better.{radio}

Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six...

Thirty-seven... Forty...

Still, it's a little dumb to think that just because a company's big, it's stable.{radio}

Maybe you just need to rethink what you want to do, and what you're even suited for.{radio}

Forty-one, forty-two...!

Alright, let's get going.{radio}

You've got mail.

-Thanks, man. -Just doing my job, sir.{double}

Oh, right. Just your job...

What is this, anyway...?

Cut, cut, cut, cut... Whoops.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... Cut...!

There we go! Okay...

Let's see...

REJECTED{Sign}

Um...

Uh, what is this...?

REJECTED{Sign}

What the hell?! You... Screw you!

You bastards!

So you have no talent?

Talent?

I am... A genius!

A genius?

A genius... Oh, that thing that always comes back when you forget it exists? {Note}

TL Note: A play on a famous saying regarding 'calamities' (tensai/天災) and genius (tensai/天才).

No, that ain't it!

Oh, it isn't?

That's right!

My imagination, see....! At some point, my imagination just started moving on its own!

Now it breaks through all rational barriers and extends towards the infinite!

And when that litmus test of mine turns red, I feel my cheeks doing the same.

Then, my cells... They all start pointing towards Ultraman!

Oh, you're a romanticist.

Who? Me?

That's right! You're a total romanticist.

You're too much of a romanticist

The biggest romanticist in the whole world

Always, always living in your own head

You're too much of a romanticist

Once you get lost in your own dreams

No matter who knocks at your door, you won't hear them

A time will come when all your dreams

Are all locked away by time

You're too much of a romanticist

You're such a lonely romanticist

Hey, that's grand! Ain't that grand?!

I was waiting for someone to fall on their rear, though.

What?

Are you Frankenstein?

Say, do I look like Kitanoumi to you?

Not at all.

Then I'd like to see your tickets.

Note: 'Ticket' (kippu) rhymes with 'chip' (chippu) in Japanese. {TL Note}

I've got some chips!

No, that's a potato chip!

I'm asking for your tickets! Your tickets!

This?

That's right!

Tickets!

Ow!

Wait, weren't you my senior?

Is that you, Takayama?

Hey, it's you! Still alive and kicking, huh?

Hey, I don't die easy.

Well, major companies… They're highly competitive and you'd also need some connections.

That's exactly it...

How about you work for me?

-Where do you work, exactly? -Well...{double}

We publish magazines. It's a small company, though.

Wow! What kind of magazines?

Well, I guess...

They focus on themes of contemporary culture and sexuality.

Sexuality and contemporary culture...?

Wow, that's such a modern topic!

You could say that, sure. So, how about it?

Sure! I'd love to!

Come on in.

HAIRY PUBLISHING{Sign}

Hey, are these...?

Yeah? What's up?

Your magazines about contemporary culture and sexuality? Are they just nudie mags?

Sure are, isn't it great? Well, break a leg.

But, um...

Yes, hello? This is Hairy Publishing.

Oh, thanks for all your help the other day!

I certainly can't say I hated nudie magazines.

I just never really thought I'd become the editor for one so out of the blue, that's all.

It felt like downing a coffee spiked with an inferiority and a superiority complex.

But still...

Ba-ba-ba-ba-bang!

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bang!

Take that!

You bastard, get up. Come on.

Come on! He's dead. Hey, he's dead!

Alright, it's about time to get started.

Hey, how long's this play gonna go on for?

Yeah, alright...

Okay!

-Hey, Kazumi? -Yeah?{double}

Bring in that hustle, you hear me?

Aye, sir! Private Kazumi, reporting for duty and ready to make all the boys stand to attention!

Great, that's the spirit!

-Okay, Kazumi. Let's start with a provocative pose.

-Sure thing!

Hey, Mr. Araki?

What? Got a special request or something?

Aren't we using any reflector boards?

Reflectors?

I like to capture things au naturale, you get me?

Au naturale, huh? I get it...

Well, 'teach'? Can we get started?

Oh, right! Sorry, please go ahead.

Okay, Kazumi. Put your heart into it, let's go!

Sure thing!

Right, give us a smile.

Okay!

This one's a dud. The expression, it's just missing something.

Look at you, you're already talking like an expert.

C'mon, Takayama. A good expression can get you 120% harder!

Hello, you've reached Spirit Tablet.

Yes? That's right.

Right, thank you.

C'mon, Takayama. Let's go hardcore next time! We're gonna show some pubes! {Note}

TL Note: Distribution of images with pubic hair was illegal in Japan during the 1980's. {TL Note}

-Moron. You wanna get cuffed?!

-Oh come on, that's so not like you.{overlap}

Who the hell sells nudie mags if they're afraid of some damn state authority?

What, state authority?

You're damn right it scares me!

Yep, scares me stiff.

Oh, come on! Let's just do it!

Let's go for something more hardcore! Something with a better punch!

You ready, Hiromi?

Sure am.

Hey, Araki. Let's keep an eye on that expression, okay?

I get it already!

Okay, let's get started!

Hey, Hiromi. Spread your legs, slowly.

Okay, great! That's the stuff.

Good, good! That's it! Get in those panties!

That's the way! Let your hand go through.

-Good, good! That's good! -Hey, Araki! Let's go for a lower angle!{double}

Let's do a 180 and go hardcore! No punches pulled!

Hardcore, no punches pulled, huh?

Hiromi, you heard him.

Sure, sure.

Okay, good. That's it, Hiromi.

Nice! That's a good expression!

Softly, now! More! That's good!

Breasts! Don't forget the breasts! Good, that's the way to go.

What's this about your lover, Hiromi?

We broke it off.

Huh. So you're through, huh?

Well yeah, he wouldn't shut up! He was a huge bother!

-What, are men like that out of the question?

-They sure are!

-What about university? -I still go there, duh.{double}

Didn't you know were a student, Hiromi.

What, there something wrong with a student being in a nudie mag?

I mean, I don't see the problem. Personal freedom and all, right?

See, Hiromi here's saving up. There's this southern island called... What was it again?

Alcalidort Island.

Right! She's gonna buy that Alkali-whatever Island and make her own country, she says!

Wow. Your own country, huh?

So it's like your Dreamland, Hiromi?

Hey, it's not a dream at all!

Hiromi's gonna do it!

-What, for real? -For real!{double}

-So it's not just some dream? -Nope, it's not!{double}

Good for you, I like that! I love the way you think.

Hey, I wanna be a citizen there.

-Do you really? -Sure do!{double}

Then you have my permission. That'll be 10,000 Yen.

10,000, really?

Hey, citizenships don't come free.

Hey, you don't have to if you don't want one.

I'll pay. Fine, I'll pay.

-Here you go. -Thank you!{double}

Alright, let's raise our glasses to a new citizen!

Oh, you're a citizen too, Araki?

Sure am. What about it?

No, nothing...

Okay, cheers for our newest citizen!

-Okay, cheers! -Cheers!{double}

Hey, you sure you're good to go?

-Ya moron...! -Hey, c'mon.{double}

I'm Hiromi, this much booze ain't nothing...!

-You sure you're fine? -I told you, I'm fine! Fine!{double}

Okay, here we go...

-And here we go... -And hup...{double}

Okay, there...

It's too hot in here...

I'm gonna strip...

Sure...

There...

Gonna sleep...?

Hey...

Gotta turn off the light...

Hey, you gonna sleep...?

Wait...

Whoa, whoa...

Gonna strip... I'm gonna strip...

Hey, uh...

You know... You're looking fine, princess...

What's goin'... What's...?

There, it's off...

There we go...

Hey, Hiromi? Hey? Hey, Hiromi...

Hiromi...

Yes, hello? This is Hairy Publishing.

Oh, it's you.

Sure. Yeah.

Sure thing.

Sorry! Did you wait long?

-For about five cigarettes, yeah.

-Sorry!

Guess you got some good manners, huh?

Sure do, I was raised right.

There you go again, playing it up.

Okay! Another day, another drink!

Oh, come on. You can't be serious.

You bet I am!

All women, prostitutes. All men, also prostitutes.

That's gonna be the economic basis of our great nation.

Its only form of manual labor!

So what, do I gotta sell myself in drag?

You sure do! All our good citizens...

They're all puttin' their bodies on the line. They all work as equals!

-I don't think drag's gonna look good on me...

-My orders are absolute!{overlap}

Oh, my! Don't you tease little old me like that, sister!

You're so dumb!

Racing through the city, dead middle

Wanting for nothing under the blue sky

Thinking of tomorrow?

That's there, even now!

Your pale arms wrap around me

The burnt asphalt carves a high highway!

As we turn into the wind

Race on through!

So, that model for our S&M series. How's she working out?

Oh, right. I did pick up a couple subjects, but I'm just not finding anyone fresh, you know?

Okay, I hear you...

-Who are you people? -Shut it, move!{double}

You're Ichiro Takayama, aren't you?!

You're under arrest for the distribution of obscene material.

Hey, hold on! What's so bad about seeing a little pubic hair?

Don't you know the law, punk?

How is that a law? What, do you not have pubes?!

Well, Officer?!

You wanna get arrested too, you punk?!

What...?!

Drop it. You're not gonna get through to these people.

It's people like you that are ruining Japan.

How about you show some damn regret?!

If anyone's ruining Japan, it's you people!

What was that? Just try saying that again, you little punk!

It's just a matter of time before you go in the slammer, too.

-Come on, we're leaving. -Yes, sir.{double}

Guess I'll be on break for a while.

Takayama...

Who gives a damn about pubes?!

Ouch! Ow, ow...

It all came and went like a flash.

Hairy Publishing went bankrupt not six months after I joined.

Yeah, we're done for...

Pull yourself together, come on.

Who cares if it failed? If you don't have an editor-in-chief, just do it yourself!

What... Who... Me...?

Exactly! You can just do it yourself.

-Myself...? -Right, yourself.{double}.

Just gotta do it myself, huh?

What, not confident you can handle it alone?

-Sure I am! -Then why not just go through with it?{double}

You've gotta do it!

I've gotta do it, huh...?

Yep, you've gotta.

Gotta do it... Yeah...

Yeah...

Yeah.

I've gotta do it...

Yeah...

Yeah. I've gotta do it.

Yeah!

-I've gotta do it! -Yeah!{double}

-I've gotta do it! -You've gotta do it!{double}

Hey, don't run!

Don't run, Hiromi! It's dangerous!

Don't run! Hey, come on!

Hey, Hiromi!

Hiromi! Hiromi...!

Get up, Hiromi! Are you okay?!

Hiromi! Hey! Wake up, Hiromi...!

Hiromi... Get up, c'mon...! This can't be happening...

Hiromi...

Just one hour later, Hiromi departed from this world.

On the thirty-second morning that came to follow... {TLC}

I ventured into the town. My first outing in a while.

Would you like a hamburger?

Keen on funneling some nutrients to my brainbox, I bought myself a hamburger with 100% beef.

Ya can say whatchu want, ain't nothin' better than ordinary!

Ordinary's the best, ain't it?

So says Mr. Kaneda, from his home in Osaka.

Another day, another refresher! The Ordinary Drink!

Yum!

Someone who feels no seasons

That's how I've always lived

But now that I've made it here, I'm all alone

When I tried to feel the seasons

Everything started to shine

That wouldn't happen anyway!

It's all too bright for me!

We had our restless days

And once we break away from them

Come on, let's go, we no longer have a reason

Never relying on anyone

That's how I always thought I'd live

But now that I'm here

See the crowds crawling about...

It was the 24th of December, Christmas Eve.

My pockets were bereft of company, and so was my heart.

THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE!{Sign}

At first, I thought it was just an ad for some shady nightclub.

But then I thought, "Hey, hold on. What if, just maybe..."

"That clown, what if she was Santa Claus?"

"And this leaflet, what if it's Santa's present?"

While my cerebrum still wrestled with its choices, I took to running!

My legs were running at full speed, enough to cross 50 meters in 6.2 seconds!

Nothing can stop these legs of mine

Wherever they go, wherever they go

We ain't got time to tell jokes

All I can really do...

Running like Olympic athletes

My legs, they won't ever

Ever stop!

Even when I have nowhere to go, or when I'm feeling down

My legs won't ever stop running

We ain't got time to tell jokes

All I can really do...

What are these...?

Huh...?

For reasons unknown, I grew ecstatic! That day ended with me drinking until I completely blacked out.

And so, one week passed.

What...?

Who's there...?

It's way too early...

Up we go...

Who's there?

We're here to escort you, sir.

What? Wait, who are you people?

What—huh?! Where are you taking me?

Hey, let me go! What's going on?

Let me go! What is all this?

Please, get on.

Turtle, turtle.

Someone help!

I ran, with my ability to run 50m in 6.5 seconds!

I fled by 15 horse lengths!

The red ogre and wolf-man were on my tail, as serious as two Olympic athletes. I was desperate!

I just ran, my mind racing to think how far I'd go.

The exact reason I had to run was no longer relevant—I just ran ahead.

Passing the fourth corner, I entered the last 400-meter stretch. There it was, the last slope!

The wolf-man and the red ogre were coming! They were close!

I squeezed out every last bit of strength I had. Just 200 meters!

My 6.2-seconds-per-50-meters legs ran over that last uphill slope!

Just 50 more meters! 20 meters now!

Eyes on the finish line, I ran that last spurt!

There, the finish line! I got away!

Or so I thought, only to be assailed from both sides.

Deprived of oxygen, I lost all consciousness.

And when I finally came to...

-You were in a desert?

-Yeah.{double}

We welcome you to the Dreamlands!

We welcome you to the Dreamlands!

From this day forth, you will be a citizen of the Dreamlands.

Me, a Dreamland citizen?

Indeed!

None will disturb you again. From this day forth, you will be Ultraman!

I'm gonna be Ultraman?

That you will. You are Ultraman.

Never will you fret again! Bid your humdrum life farewell!

Can I really become Ultraman?!

That you can.

Me, really?

Don the mask! Don the mask! Don the mask!

Hey, wait!

Whoa!

Who's there?!

Whoa!

What are you doing here?!

Hey, what's the big idea here?!

Watch out!

Take it down, come on!

Knock it down!

SHUWATCH!

Crescent Moon Killing Arts...!

Confetti Maker! {Note}

TL Note: A bit of a play on words—'confetti' (kamifubuki) sounds similar to 'divine blizzard' (kami-fubuki). {TL Note}

This bastard...!

Let go of me, you punk!

Subbed by: LonelyChaser Fansubs

Project Manager: MartyMcflies

Scanned by: Kineko Video

Timing & Translation: purpleparrotkin

TLC: Japanese Hoarder

A special thanks to Windii for assisting with some lines.

Thanks for watching!