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MARTI?

DWEEB?

YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

YOU KNEW I LIKED HER, AND YOU WENT AFTER HER ANYWAY!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, PETE?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, BUT YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET IT.

I'D LIKE A NEW ROOMMATE.

YOU'RE TOO BUSY SAVING THE WORLD

TO HAVE ANY TIME FOR ME.

FACE IT, SHARON, WE ARE DRIFTING APART!

FRANKLY, I DON'T LIKE IT.

I DON'T LIKE WAITING UP TO YELL AT YOU,

AND THEN HAVING YOU YELL AT ME, FRANKLY.

SO, YOU STILL WANT TO MARRY ME?

YOU STILL WANT TO MARRY ME?

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE CARE OF THIS ELECTRIC BILL?

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE CARE OF THIS ELECTRIC BILL?

LOOK... I KNOW WE'VE BEEN FIGHTING A LOT LATELY,

BUT IT HAPPENS TO EVERY COUPLE RIGHT BEFORE A WEDDING.

SO IT'S JUST COLD FEET.

WHAT IF IT ISN'T?

WHAT IF IT'S OUR GUT INSTINCT

TELLING US THAT WE'RE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER?

I'M SURE IT'S FEET.

BUT IT COULD BE GUT.

LISTEN, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WEDDING STUFF TO DO TODAY,

SO FOR THE SAKE OF GETTING THINGS DONE,

LET'S JUST SAY IT'S FEET.

OKAY.

BUT IT COULD BE GUT.

COULD BE STRESS.

WE'RE UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE LATELY.

I MEAN, I'M WAITIN' TO SEE

IF MY LIFE IS GONNA TURN OUT TERRIFIC,

AND YOU'RE WAITIN' TO SEE

IF YOUR LIFE IS STILL GONNA SUCK!

ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE ACADEMIC PROBATION

OR THE FACT THAT YOU SPIT WHEN YOU TALK?

NO, NO, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE ACADEMIC PROBATION,

BUT YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO BE REMINDED

ABOUT THE ACADEMIC PROBATION,

AND I KEEP TALKING ABOUT ACADEMIC PROBATION!

I MEAN, I'VE SAID, "ACADEMIC PROBATION" FOUR TIMES ALREADY!

OH. I'M SORRY. DID I COME AT A BAD TIME?

SORT OF.

WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT... ACADEMIC PROBATION!!

WE ONLY STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS.

GOD, BERG, I'M SORRY.

EVEN FOR PETE, THAT'S INSENSITIVE.

I DID GO OUT WITH HIS GIRL,

EVEN THOUGH HE WON'T ADMIT TO LIKING HER BECAUSE HE'S...

GUTLESS! DOOFUS!

LOSER!

ACADEMIC PROBATION!

I CAN'T WIN WHEN HE HAS THAT.

THOUGH, I SWEAR, THIS TIME NEXT WEEK,

WHEN I'M OFF PROBATION, HE'S DEAD.

OH, GOD. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

THEY POSTED THE NEW SHIFT ASSIGNMENTS AT THE HOSPITAL.

THEY DENIED YOUR REQUEST TO BE TAKEN OFF OF PROBATION.

WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I KNOW I SCREWED UP.

AREN'T THEY EVER GONNA GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE?

I'M REALLY SORRY.

YEAH, RIGHT. YOU LOVE IT.

WHAT?! YOU CANNOT TELL ME YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING THIS.

I'M THE HUGE LOSER, AND YOU'RE THE HOTSHOT,

NEVER-ALMOST-KILLED-SOMEBODY DOCTOR'S PET.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

YOU RACED OVER HERE TO RUB IT IN MY FACE.

OH, BERG, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I CAME TO TELL YOU I THINK THE HOSPITAL'S WRONG,

BUT IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA STAY HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS,

THEN YOU REALLY ARE A LOSER!

YOU'RE THE LOSER!

Pete: ACADEMIC PROBATION!

NOT YOU!

I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING WE GOT DONE TODAY.

ALL WE HAVE LEFT TO DO IS... SHOW UP AT THE CHURCH.

YEAH.

BUT WE HAD FUN, THOUGH, RIGHT?

YEAH, I HAD A GREAT TIME.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF WE REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED,

TODAY WOULD'VE BEEN TORTURE.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT WOULD HAVE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I JUST LET THE FEAR GET THE BEST OF ME.

MY FEET HAVE SPOKEN.

HELLO.

HELLO. HI.

SO, I UNDERSTAND

YOU WOULD LIKE TO OPEN A JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT.

GREAT. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THOSE CHECKS TO READ?

MR. AND MRS. JONATHAN DONNELLY.

NO, NO, BABY.

THEY SHOULD READ JONATHAN AND SHARON DONNELLY.

I'M NOT SO SURE.

IT'S OKAY, HONEY. I AM.

I LIKE IT.

I THINK IT WOULD LOOK GREAT ON OUR BALLERINA COLLECTION.

OOH, LOOK. THEY'RE SO PRETTY.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE THAT

TO THE GUY AT THE HARDWARE STORE?

JUST TELL HIM THE BALLERINAS ARE STRIPPERS.

OKAY.

BEFORE YOU MOVE TO AVOID ME, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK,

AND I'M EATING IN THAT CHAIR.

THIS PLACE IS GETTIN' ON MY NERVES.

OH. HI, PETE.

HEY, IRENE.

OH, FRET NOT, SWEET PRINCE.

THE LETTER CARRIER WILL ARRIVE IN DUE COURSE.

THOU ART ANNOYING ME.

HEY, I'M IN CHARACTER.

MY THEATER GROUP IS PUTTING ON A PRODUCTION,

AND I'M PLAYING RAPUNZEL.

ACTING GIVES ME A CHANCE TO WORK OUT MY DEMONS.

SO WOULD AN EXORCISM.

HEY, STILL NO WORD ON YOUR FIREMAN'S SLEEPOVER CAMP?

IRENE. IRENE, IT'S BOOT CAMP, OKAY?!

IT'S THE LAST STEP

WHERE THEY SEPARATE THE FIREMEN FROM THE WANNABES.

IT'S THREE MONTHS OF TORTURE AND HUMILIATION

AND CONSTANT PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION.

BUT YOU GET TO SLEEP OVER, RIGHT?

IRENE... HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO CLOSE

TO SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANTED,

BUT YOU WEREN'T SURE IF YOU WERE EVER GONNA GET IT?

YES.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, HEY, UH, CAN I SEE MY MAIL?

IT'S NOT YOURS UNTIL I PUT IT IN YOUR BOX.

HEY, IRENE, YOU LOOK RAVISHING TODAY...

LIKE A FLOWER IN SPRINGTIME.

ROGER, I TOLD YOU, I ONLY LIKE YOU AS A POSTAL CARRIER.

HEY, COULD YOU GO ANY SLOWER?

SURE.

ALL RIGHT, HURRY IT UP, YOU LETTER MONKEY.

DON'T THREATEN ME, MAN. I GOT A LOT OF STUFF HERE.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR LITTLE PIECE OF PORN.

ROGER, MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE PETE HIS MAIL, HUH?

FOR ME?

WELL, OKAY, BUT ONLY FOR YOU.

I HOPE YOU GET JURY DUTY.

I HOPE YOU'RE ON TRIAL.

IT'S NOT HERE.

ARE YOU SURE?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! ANOTHER 24 HOURS OF TORTURE!

THIS IS GONNA KILL ME!

AND THEY SAY THERE'S NEVER ANY GOOD NEWS.

OKAY, LET'S SET YOUR PIN NUMBER.

LET'S GO WITH MY BIRTHDAY.

NO, BABY, IT'S TOO HARD TO REMEMBER.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

YOU KNOW, LET'S JUST GO WITH MINE.

624.

GREAT.

NOW, BEFORE YOU SIGN, I HAVE TO EXPLAIN

THAT BY OPENING A JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT,

YOU ARE SEEN AS A SINGLE ENTITY IN THE EYES OF THE LAW,

BOUND TOGETHER IN FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY,

IN ASSETS, AND IN DEBT

UNTIL YOU EITHER CLOSE THE ACCOUNT OR DIE.

I DO.

SIGN RIGHT HERE.

JOHNNY, YOUR HAND'S SHAKING.

NO, IT'S NOT. QUIT MOVIN' THE PAPER.

UM... AND YOU'RE SWEATING.

NO, I AM NOT.

WHERE DO I SIGN?

RIGHT NEXT TO THE... PUDDLE UNDERNEATH YOUR HAND.

OH. BERG'S NOT HERE.

UH, I'M NOT HERE TO SEE BERG. I'M HERE TO SEE YOU.

DID YOU THINK OF AN INSULT AND HAD TO RUSH RIGHT OVER?

NO.

NO, ACTUALLY, I'M HERE TO CELEBRATE.

I GOT MY LETTER. I'M IN BOOT CAMP.

YOU'RE IN? YOU GOT YOUR LETTER?

YEAH. YEAH, THANKS TO YOU.

YOU WERE MY INSPIRATION.

MY DRIVE TO CRUSH YOU HELPED PUSH ME OVER THE TOP.

YOU GOT YOUR LETTER, HUH?

HEY!

GOOD FOR YOU! GOOD FOR THE POST OFFICE!

OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

ARE YOU BENT OUT OF SHAPE BECAUSE I GOT IN?

OH, PETE, I-I'M SORRY. YOU DIDN'T GET IN?

I DIDN'T? WHAT DID YOU HEAR?

NO, I JUST ASSUMED...

ASSUMED WHAT? THAT I FAILED?

I JUST DIDN'T GET MY LETTER, THAT'S ALL.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASSUME THE WORST?

THAT'S YOU! I ASSUMED YOU PASSED.

LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL GET YOUR LETTER TOMORROW, AND WE'LL CELEBRATE FOR YOU.

BUT TONIGHT, LET'S CELEBRATE MARTI!

CELEBRATE? CEL...

PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.

I DID NOT GET MY LETTER.

I HEARD YOU, BUZZ KILL!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

MARTI, WAIT!

I JUST SPOKE WITH ROGER! HE TRACKED DOWN YOUR LETTER,

AND HE PROMISED TO BRING IT BY TONIGHT AFTER WORK.

NO, CALL HIM NOW!

GET IT NOW!

ROGER'S THE KIND OF GUY WHO'LL HOLD A FAVOR OVER MY HEAD.

I MEAN, IF I SCRATCH ROGER'S BACK,

WHO SCRATCHES MINE?

FINE.

A MOVIE, AN EMPTY SEAT BETWEEN US,

AND IF ANYONE ASKS, I DON'T KNOW YOU.

OH, PETEY, WE'RE HAVING A DATE!

HEY, MOM.

MICHAEL!

WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.

HOW'S MY FAVORITE SON?

YOUR BROTHER ISN'T WITH YOU, IS HE?

NO.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING. NOTHING.

CAN'T A GUY TAKE A BREAK

FROM STUDYING MICROBIOLOGY AND ADVANCED ENDOCRINOLOGY

TO COME HOME... TO PLAY WITH HIS HOT WHEELS?

HONEY, I SOLD THOSE AT A YARD SALE

FOR 5 CENTS APIECE.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

THE MAIN THING IS THAT YOU MADE MONEY OFF MY MEMORIES.

WHERE'S, UH... WHERE'S DAD?

WELL, PHYSICALLY, HE'S LIVING IN A SEEDY MOTEL.

SPIRITUALLY, HE'S BURNING IN HELL.

SEE, I THOUGHT HE MIGHT STILL BE AT WORK.

YOUR FATHER HAD AN AFFAIR, AND I KICKED HIM OUT.

WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU THROW ANOTHER ONE OF HIS SUITS ON THE FIRE,

AND I'LL MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT DAD HAD AN AFFAIR.

I KNOW.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M A SURVIVOR. I'LL HEAL.

HEY, COME HERE.

I LOVE YOU.

SO, WHO WAS SHE? DID YOU KNOW HER?

NO, JUST SOME TRAMPY LITTLE SLUT FROM WHORETOWN.

GOD, THOSE GIRLS ARE SO EASY.

NOT THAT I'D KNOW.

LISTEN, I AM... I AM SO SORRY, MOM.

MAYBE HE'LL COME TO HIS SENSES AND LEAVE HER.

OH, HE ALREADY LEFT HER.

IT WAS A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

HE KEEPS CALLING, WANTING TO COME BACK.

IS IT COLD IN HERE?

I THINK I'LL THROW ON A SWEATER.

YOU MEAN IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE?

ONLY ONCE?

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE THING HE DID.

I'M JUST SAYIN' WE'VE ALL MADE MISTAKES.

WE'VE ALL DONE SOMETHIN' THAT WE WISH WE COULD TAKE BACK.

DON'T YOU THINK WE DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE?

NO.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU SCREW UP SO BAD,

YOU DON'T DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY

AND MOVE ON.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M GONNA TAKE MY BIKE AROUND THE BLOCK FOR A RIDE.

OH. OH, HONEY, HERE. HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED THIS.

WHAT'S THIS?

CAB FARE. I SOLD YOUR BIKE.

COME ON.

WHERE IS THAT STUPID MAIL...

ESCORT I ORDERED?

IS THAT MY LETTER?

NOT SO FAST.

YOU CAN HAVE THE LETTER OR YOU CAN HAVE MY WOMAN,

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

"SOPHIE'S CHOICE."

LOOK, ROGER... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...

YOU GIVE ME THAT LETTER, AND I'LL STEP ASIDE.

SUCKER.

HUH. SUCKER.

WELL, COME ON. OPEN IT! OPEN IT!

I CAN'T. YOU DO IT. YOU DO IT.

OKAY.

WHAT? WHAT?

PETE DONVILLE, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

YOU'RE IN!

I'M IN!

IRENE, I'M SO HAPPY I COULD...

TAKE ME RIGHT HERE ON THIS STOOP!

HOW ABOUT A HIGH-FIVE?!

OKAY!

ALL RIGHT!

OKAY!

WE MUST CELEBRATE!

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT!

GOOD IDEA!

YOU GET CHAMPAGNE, I'LL BAKE A CAKE!

♪ WELL, WHY WAS I BORN? ♪

♪ AND WHY AM I LIVING... ♪

MY BEST FRIEND AND I... WE'RE NOT EVEN TALKING.

THE HOSPITAL WON'T LET ME BE A DOCTOR.

MY MOM KICKED MY DAD OUT.

AND MY HAIR HASN'T COOPERATED IN WEEKS.

IT'S BEEN HELL.

YEAH.

I GOT MY FOOT BLOWN OFF IN THE WAR.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

I'LL HAVE ANOTHER.

HELLO, BERG.

OH, GREAT.

HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

WELL, YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME YOU MIGHT BE AT THIS BAR.

HAD I KNOWN IT WAS THIS SPECIAL,

I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN A GOLD TOOTH AND A SOCIAL DISEASE.

COME ON. LET'S GET YOU HOME.

NO. NO, I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE.

IN FACT, I'M...

I'M THINKING ABOUT QUITTING MEDICAL SCHOOL.

OH. YEAH, THAT'S PERFECT.

SO WE CAN ADD "QUITTER" TO THE LIST

WITH "WHINY, SELF-CENTERED, SELF-PITYING, AND BARFLY."

EXCUSE ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE WITH MY SISTER?

OKAY, PLEASE, GO AHEAD AND QUIT.

PUT US ALL OUT OF OUR MISERY, BUT BEFORE YOU DO,

WHY DON'T YOU SIGN THIS?

WHAT'S THIS?

IT IS A PETITION TO GET YOU OFF OF PROBATION.

ALL OF THE INTERNS SIGNED IT AND A MAJORITY OF THE DOCTORS.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY BUT ME.

YOU... YOU DID THIS FOR ME?

AFTER THE WAY I TREATED YOU THIS MORNING,

YOU'D STILL DO THIS FOR ME?

WELL, IT MAY NOT HELP, BUT IT'S A START.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I, UH...

FINALLY, MAYBE MY LUCK WILL CHANGE.

TO A CHANGE OF LUCK.

YEAH.

YEAH. I'M GONNA GIVE IT ANOTHER WEEK.

PETE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN INSULTED IN A FEW HOURS,

AND, UH, I NEEDED A FIX.

CAN I COME IN?

YEAH.

MY LANDLORD DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO HAVE TRASH IN THE HALLWAY.

THERE'S MY FIX.

HEY... NICE FLOWERS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I PASSED MY EXAM,

AND I WANTED TO GIVE YOU EQUAL OPPORTUNITY

TO RAIN ON MY PARADE.

I'M NOT GONNA CRAP ALL OVER YOUR HAPPINESS.

THAT'S ANOTHER WAY OF PUTTING IT.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, PETE.

AND I'D STILL BE HAPPY FOR YOU EVEN IF I DIDN'T GET IN.

SO, WHAT, YOU'RE A BIGGER MAN THAN I AM?

NO.

WHY DID YOU COME HERE ANYWAY?

TO TE... I TOLD YOU... TO TELL YOU...

WHY DID I COME HERE?

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

OH, YEAH, WHY?

YOU DIG ME.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

I MUST BE.

I'M ATTRACTED TO THE BIGGEST

NEUROTIC WHACKJOB ON THE PLANET.

YEAH?

YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD?

I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU.

SO, YOU ARE INTO ME.

YOU'RE INTO ME.

I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

NEITHER AM I.

SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

OH, THAT'S ORIGINAL.

YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE... ONCE...

YOU'RE EVEN A LOUSY KISSER.

YOU SHOULD TALK, PENCIL LIPS.

♪ AND WHY WAS I BORN? ♪

♪ I DO LOVE YOU ♪

HI, HONEY. YOU FEELIN' ANY BETTER?

YEAH, A LITTLE.

WELL, I GOT SOMETHIN' THAT'S REALLY GONNA CHEER YOU UP.

YOU READY?

OUR SAMPLE CHECK... I GOT IT FRAMED!

WOW. WHAT A LOVELY REMINDER OF OUR DAY.

HONEY, YOU'RE SWEATING AGAIN.

I'M NOT SWEATING.

YES, YOU ARE. WHAT IS IT?!

NOTHING.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO SHARE YOUR MONEY WITH ME.

NO, I AM NOT.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY.

YOU SEE THIS CHECK,

AND YOU SEE ME SPENDING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS.

NO, I SEE THIS CHECK,

AND I SEE ARTSY STUFF AND MY NAME IN CURLY LETTERS

AND JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF I NEVER PUT ON A CHECK!

THESE ARE THE CHECKS THAT WE AGREED UPON.

NO, THESE ARE THE CHECKS THAT YOU AGREED UPON.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I WAS THERE.

THE ONLY THING JOINT ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT IS THE ADDRESS.

WE'LL JUST CHANGE IT TO MR. AND MRS. JONATHAN DONNELLY

LIKE YOU WANTED.

I'M NOT SO SURE ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I'M SAYING SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE

I DON'T EXIST IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

OF COURSE YOU EXIST.

IF YOU DIDN'T EXIST,

YOU WOULDN'T BE GIVING ME SUCH A HEADACHE RIGHT NOW.

JOHNNY, IT'S JUST COLD FEET.

I THINK IT'S MY GUT.

I'M SURE IT'S FEET.

IT'S MY GUT.

FEET.

GUT!

FEET! GUT!

YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME!

JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SOMETHIN'

DOESN'T MAKE IT SO!

SINCE WHEN?! THE SYSTEM WORKED!

THIS IS THE WAY I FEEL.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T...

I DON'T THINK THIS IS GONNA WORK OUT.

I'LL BE AT MY SISTER'S.

Captions by VITAC... www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION