Original subtitles

HEY.

HEY.

WHAT'S WITH THE BEER?

WOMEN.

WHAT'S WITH THE NECK BRACE?

WOMEN.

LET ME GUESS.

HOT ONE TO THE RIGHT! HOT ONE TO THE LEFT!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. SHE-DEVIL... FRONT AND CENTER.

I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR THIS STORY.

RIGHT AFTER I'M DONE TELLING YOU MINE.

SO, IT ALL STARTED BECAUSE OF MY PROBATION.

THEY ASSIGNED ME TO THE ONE GROUP OF PATIENTS

THAT I CAN NO LONGER HARM.

I'M GONNA TAKE THREE.

AND YOU'RE GOOD?

OOH, BERG, DON'T LET HIM RAISE YOU.

HE'S GOT A KING-HIGH STRAIGHT.

DAMN, HE HAS A GOOD POKER FACE!

HERE. I BROUGHT YOU SOME COFFEE FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

SO, HOW ARE YOU HANDLIN' YOUR PROBATION?

AWESOME. OTHER THAN JOHN DOE 1 AND JOHN DOE 2,

I HAVE THE THIRD-BEST LIFE HERE.

EXCUSE ME, IS THERE A MR. ANDERSON IN HERE?

OH, YEAH, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME. RIGHT HERE.

OH, GOD!

OH, I'M SORRY. DID YOU KNOW HIM?

NO, I'VE GOT TO THAW SOME MEAT FOR DINNER.

OKAY, WELL, ON THAT NOTE,

MORTICIA, GOMEZ, HAVE A NICE DAY.

HI. I'M DR. BERGEN.

OH, HI, TARA ROBERTS.

I WORK AT THE FUNERAL HOME. I'M HIS RIDE.

SO, YOU WORK AT A FUNERAL HOME, HUH?

UH-HUH.

I see dead people.

I hear that all the time.

DID THIS... THIS DOESN'T CREEP YOU OUT AT ALL?

NO. I'VE BEEN HIT ON BEFORE.

YOU'RE DOING FINE.

HEY, HAVE YOU EVER DRUNK

MAPLE SYRUP STRAIGHT FROM THE TREE?

UH, NO.

MY ROOMMATE AND I... WE HAVE A FRIDGE.

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 8:00! WE'RE GOING TO VERMONT!

UH... WOW, YOU, UH...

Y-YOU DON'T WASTE ANY TIME, DO YA?

NO, NO. IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU LEARN FROM THIS JOB,

IT'S THAT LIFE IS VERY SHORT.

YOU HAVE TO APPRECIATE EVERY MOMENT.

BESIDES... YOU HAVE NIC EYES.

AND YOUR LIPS AREN'T BLUE.

OH.

SORRY, BOYS, SHE LIKES 'EM LIVE.

HEY, JOHNNY, WHAT'S WITH THE FLOWERS?

WOMEN.

BACK OF THE LINE, PAL.

SO, ANYWAY, VERMONT WAS AMAZING.

TARA AND I... WE DRANK SYRUP STRAIGHT FROM A TREE

AND THEN WASHED THAT BACK WITH MILK

RIGHT FROM THE COW'S TEAT.

SO, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WHAT, YOU MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,

YOU SUCKED SOME SAP, AND FONDLED A COW.

BUT WAIT. IT GETS WEIRD.

WELL, IT BETTER.

SO FAR, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

HELLO, IRENE. HEY, IRENE.

HEY, LOOK, IT'S "THE BERGY-WERGY BUGLE BOY" AND "COMPANY PETE."

IRENE, THAT'S A NICE JACKET YOU GOT THERE.

I THINK JOHNNY HAS A STORY HE'D LIKE TO SHARE.

HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

STUFFING ENVELOPES FOR THE CHARITY FUNDRAISER.

DON'T KISS ME. YOU'LL STICK.

CHARITY... GOOD, KEEP THAT IN MIND

BECAUSE I HAVE SOME NEWS.

I WAS UPSTAIRS WORKING... YOU KNOW, BEING VERY CAREFUL...

TAKING EVERY SAFETY PRECAUTION.

TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, I BLEW UP A WALL.

WHAT?

SO, UNTIL I FIX IT... HI, ROOMY!

I WON'T BE A BOTHER.

I'M JUST GONNA GIVE THE CATS A TOUR.

NO!

OH, WHY NOT? IT'S ONLY ONE NIGHT.

THINK OF IT AS AN EXTENSION OF YOUR CHARITY WORK.

YOU'RE ALWAYS DOING STUFF TO HELP THE UNFORTUNATE.

HUH? Who's more unfortunate than Irene?

COULDN'T WE JUST INVITE A CARNIVAL FREAK TO STAY WITH US?

OKAY, OKAY!

HEY, IRENE, LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE WE KEEP THE GUEST TOWELS.

SO, WHERE ARE YOUR OTHER 37 CATS?

OH, UPSTAIRS. THEY'L L BE FINE.

I JUST BROUGHT "CHAIRMAN MEOW"

AND "PURR-SCILLA, QUEE N OF THE DESERT"

BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO BREED THEM.

DO YOU HAVE A PILLOW? OH, AND SOME SINATRA?

OH, GOD, FINISH!

ARE THEY DONE?

I THINK...

BUT IT TAKES A WHILE FOR THEM TO DISENGAGE.

OKAY, NOW I'M UP.

IRENE, IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?

I DON'T SLEEP AT NIGHT.

I'M NOCTURNAL, EXCEPT, I'M NOT NOCTURNAL TOTALLY

BECAUSE I DON'T SLEEP IN THE DAY, EITHER.

HEY, YOU GUYS WANT TO PLAY "SORRY"?

I'M PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UP TO IRENE'S TO START FIXIN' HER WALL.

PERHAPS ADD A LITTLE PADDING.

WHAT ARE ALL THESE GREETING CARDS?

OH, I DON'T JUST WORK IN A GREETING CARD STORE.

IT IS MY PASSION, AND ONE DAY

I HOPE TO HAVE MY OWN LINE OF SALUTATIONS.

HERE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

"NO BARS OR GUARDS OR PRISON DOGS

"CAN KEEP MY LOVE AWAY.

"MAKE IT YOUR GOAL TO STAY OUT OF THE HOLE.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY."

IT'S FOR MY DAD.

Y-Y-YOUR DAD'S IN JAIL?

NO, SILLY, HE'S OUT ON BAIL PENDING TRIAL!

WHAT DID HE DO?

OH, IT WAS JUST SOME MIX-UP OVER SOMEBODY'S CREDIT CARD.

HE WAS USING IT. HE THOUGHT IT WAS HIS.

IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE. I WISH I GOT TO SEE HIM MORE.

YEAH. I DON'T GET TO SEE MY DAD MUCH, EITHER.

OH.

WHAT DO THEY THINK HE DID?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. HE JUST WORKED A LOT.

I HARDLY SAW HIM GROWING UP.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

I GUESS WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT.

HEY, DID YOUR DAD MISS YOUR BALLET RECITAL?

YES. BUSINESS TRIP.

PETTY THEFT.

SO, IRENE ACTED WEIRD AND WAS ANNOYING...

YEAH, THAT'S ORIGINAL.

SO, I HAVE A STORY THAT YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD.

I'M AT THE FIRE STATION.

ARE YOU GONNA EXPLAIN THE NECK BRACE IN A TIMELY MANNER?

I WAS BUT NOW, LET'S TAKE A JOURNEY.

SHALL WE?

HEY, ROOK...

PICK THE BLUEBERRIES OUT OF MY PANCAKES.

I CHANGED MY MIND.

YOU KNOW, GUYS, I'M SICK OF THIS.

'CAUSE I'M THE ROOKIE DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD GET ABUSED!

I FEED YOU GUYS, I PICK UP AFTER YOU...

DO YOU THINK THIS PLACE CLEANS ITSELF?!

OH, NO, CHUCK, MOMMY'S MAD!

OKAY, OKAY, FINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU JUST LOST TV TIME.

GUYS...

I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR NEW VOLUNTEER.

MEET MARTY.

HER DAD WAS FRANK DELANEY FROM THE 62nd.

LET'S GO, GUYS!

ALL RIGHT, ROOK...

I, UH, I THINK I SHOULD EXPLAIN

HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE SOME NOTES.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO BALL IT UP AND SHOVE IT.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

BITE ME, LADY.

OKAY, YOU'RE VERY CRASS.

I KNOW HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE.

I WANT THE NEXT SPOT ON THE TRUCK, AND YOU'RE IN MY WAY.

THAT'S RIGHT.T HAT'S RIGHT, I'M IN YOUR WAY.

I'M GONNA STAY IN YOUR WAY, SO YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.

DO YOU STAND THIS CLOSE TO OTHER FIREMEN?

OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.

OH, LOOK WHO'S NO LONGER IN MY WAY!

AND THEN, SHE BEAT YOU UP,

AND THAT'S HOW YOU GOT THE NECK BRACE.

WHAT, DO YOU HAVE A DATE WITH THAT COW? RELAX!

HEY, CAPTAIN, I FINISHED AXIN' THE TRUCK.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE?

PETE. UH-HUH?

YOU DO KNOW THAT'S JUST BUSY WORK, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE, I DO.

I WAS JUST FINDIN' SOMETHIN' TO DO

UNTIL IT WAS TIME TO... COUNT THE BOOTS.

HEY!

PHLEGM!

YOU FORGOT TO CLEAN THE SIDE MIRRORS.

LUCKY I'M HERE TO ADD THE OTHER CHEEK

TO YOUR HALF-ASSED JOB.

OKAY, DO YOU HEAR THE MOUTH ON HER?

DOES THAT BOTHER ANYBODY ELSE?

SHE'S A PEACH.

WHAT IS WITH YOU GUYS?!

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HER A BAD TIME?

BE PATIENT. WE'RE JUST WAITIN' FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.

I'M NOT DOIN' ANYTHING NOW.LET'S GO.

NO.

SHE'LL GET HERS AT SATURDAY'S TRAININ' EXERCISES.

WE RIGGED THE PRESSURE ON HER FIRE HOSE.

SHE MIGHT BE A LITTLE OFF TARGET,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

THERE'LL BE SO MUCH PRESSURE IN THAT HOSE,

THE WHOLE SQUAD COULDN'T HOLD ON TO IT.

THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

THE TRAINING'S DIFFERENT OR WOMEN.

SHE GETS TO CARRY 50 POUNDS UP A LADDER

WHEN YOU CARRY 100.

NO WAY! I HAVE TO CARRY 100 POUNDS UP A LADDER?!

THIS AFFECTS ALL OF US.

SHE'LL PROBABLY MAKE CAPTAIN BEFORE I DO!

THE DOG WILL MAKE CAPTAIN BEFORE YOU DO.

LOOK, WE FIGURE A LITTLE HUMILIATION

WILL ENCOURAGE HER TO DO WHAT WE ALL WANT,

AND THAT'S QUIT.

THAT'S SUCH A COLORFUL STORY. COULD YOU...

SKIP OVER THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH AND GET TO THE NECK BRACE?

BERG, I'M TRYING TO SPIN A YARN HERE.

JOHNNY'S INTO IT.

DO I STILL HAVE VANILLA IN MY HAIR?

FINE. TELL YOUR STORY IF IT'S MORE INTERESTING.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

SO TARA AND I... WE WERE ALWAYS DOING SOMETHING WILD.

SHE'S FREE AND EXCITING AND WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING.

Tara: AAH! DO THAT AGAIN!

Berg: THAT WASN'T ME.

THANK YOU, BUT WE DON'T NEED TURN-DOWN SERVICE.

ASHLEY, THIS IS TARA. TARA, THIS IS ASHLEY.

OOH. MAN!

IF I WERE INTO GIRLS, I'D BE ALL OVER YOU.

IS SHE NOT GREAT OR WHAT?

OH, I'VE GOT TO RUN, BUT THE BEAUTY OF A HEARSE...

I CAN ALWAYS USE THE CAR POOL LANE.

YOU'RE ON PROBATION.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT THIS IS A TAD BIT IRRESPONSIBLE?

NO, I DON'T.

ASH, I AM TIRED OF BEING RESPONSIBLE.

AT LEAST WHEN I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE,

I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

I'M HAPPY!

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THAT YOU SAW ME HAPPY?

THE "BAYWATCH" MARATHON.

YEAH.

OKAY, MAYBE I JUST NEED TO GET TO KNOW HER BETTER.

LET'S DO IT TONIGHT.

BERG, I WAS JUST BEING POLITE.

THIS IS THE WAY TARA AND I DO THINGS... SPONTANEOUS!

ACTUALLY, I HAVE A DATE WITH NOMAR TONIGHT.

WE'LL DOUBLE DATE! TARA'S A HUGE BASEBALL FAN.

SHE EVEN MET HIM ONCE.

REALLY? WELL, NO, NOT OFFICIALLY.

SHE WAS ACTUALLY STREAKING ACROSS THE FIELD AND SECURITY

TACKLED HER BEFORE SHE COULD INTRODUCE HERSELF.

OH, AND HERE'S A PICTURE OF ME WITH MY DAD AT THE AIRPORT.

HE HAD A LAYOVER IN TOWN.

YOU LOOK LIKE HIM.

SHARON, I'M REALLY GLAD

I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU BETTER THEE LAST FEW DAYS.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH MY NEIGHBORS.

I WONDER WHY.

I AM REALLY GLAD

THAT WE'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW EACH OTHER, TOO.

REALLY?

YES! I ADMIT WHEN JOHNNY FIRST INVITED YOU TO STAY,

I WASN'T THRILLED.

BUT NOW, I'VE COME TO SEE PAST YOUR...

YOUR...

I MEAN, THE OTHER SIDE WHEN YOU'RE NOT...

HOW DO I SAY THIS?

YOU FOUND THE NOUGAT UNDER MY NUTTY COATING.

I'D HAVE GONE WITH "BAMBOO UNDER MY FINGERNAIL."

AND LOOK! I MADE YOU A CARD FOR YOUR CHARITY 10K.

SEE, IT'S THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE.

"DON'T BE A DOOFUS... LET'S ALL FIGHT LUPUS."

HEY, IRENE, I GOT A CARD FOR YA.

"FOUR DAYS AGO, I FIXED YOUR WALL,

YET EVERY DAY, YOU COME TO CALL."

JOHNNY, KNOCK IT OFF.

OH, OH, I BET YOU TWO WOULD LIKE TO BE ALONE.

YES, IRENE, WE WOULD.

I'LL JUST BE IN THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.

PERFECT TIME TO TINKLE.

LOOK, SHARON, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

SHE COMES DOWN HERE EVERY 10 MINUTES!

SHE HAS TO COME DOWN AND CHECK ON THE CATS!

THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE BABIES!

ON MY BATHROBE!

Tell Irene to stop comin' down here!

LOOK, I WILL NOT! I'VE REALLY GOTTEN TO LIKE HER!

THE OLD SHARON WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT!

LATELY, I LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR CHARITY WORK

AND YOUR PUTTIN' UP WITH PEOPLE,

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

WELL, I AM A BETTER PERSON NOW.

WELL STOP IT!,

THAT'S NOT THE WAY OUR RELATIONSHIP WORKS.

I AM THE GOOD COP AND YOU ARE THE BAD COP.

WHY CAN'T WE BE GOOD COP, GOOD COP?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT... A WORLD FULL OF GOOD COPS?!

FINE. FINE. WE'LL BOTH BE GOOD COPS

BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE THE BAD GUY.

JOHNNY, I JUST...

YOU GONNA BE LONG? I COULD TAKE A SHOWER.

GET OUT!

WHAT?

LEAVE US IN PEACE.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS,

BUT YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO?

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY,

BUT WE HAVE ONE MORE TRAINING EXERCISE TO DO.

NOW, YOU TWO KNOW THE DRILL.

PETE, TAKE THE WINDOW ABOVE THE DOOR,

MARTY, THE ONE TO THE LEFT OF THAT.

THAT MEANS THE CRISPY FAMILY LIVES IN THE ONE ABOVE THE DOOR.

CAPTAIN, ARE CRISPY FAMILIES FUNNY?

NO, THEY ARE NOT.

OKAY...

ON THE COUNT OF THREE, RUN TO YOUR HOSES.

1... WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON A SECOND.

SORRY, CAPTAIN. GOMER NEEDS HELP.

HOSE SQUIRT WATER, FIRE GO AWAY.

ALL RIGHT... LET ME USE THAT ONE.

NO!

MOVE!

WHAT'S GOING ON, DUNVILLE?!

Chuck: STOP FOOLIN' AROUND.

YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.

NO WONDER EVERYBODY AT THE FIRE HOUSE LAUGHS AT YOU.

FINE.

TAKE THAT HOSE. YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Captain: OKAY, ON MY COUNT.

1... 2...

3! HEY!

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

WHOA!

I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

ALL RIGHT! GO! LET'S DO IT!

HEY, WHERE'S NOMAR?

THEY WENT INTO EXTRA INNINGS.

WHY ARE WE AT THE AIRPORT

AND WHERE HAVE THE TWO OF YOU BEEN?

WE HOPPED A FENCE, RAN ONTO THE RUNWAY,

AND LAID UNDERNEATH A PLANE AS IT TOOK OFF.

YOU SEE, TARA KNOWS EXACTLY HOW CLOSE WE CAN GET

WITHOUT ACTUALLY GETTING...

CAUGHT UP IN THE LANDING GEAR.

WELL, I... I CAN'T TAKE THE CREDIT.

MY FRIEND BILL TAUGHT ME.

GOD REST HIS SOUL.

SO, IS THIS WHEREWE'RE EATING DINNER?

I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG. I LOVE A GOOD $12 BAGEL.

NO, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.

WAIT HERE. I'LL SURPRISE YOU.

YOU ALWAYS DO.

OKAY.

AW, ISN'T SHE GREAT?

SO...

SO CAREFREE, YOU KNOW, SO ADVENTUROUS.

YOU'RE SICK OF HER. NO, I'M SCARED OF HER.

SHE DRAGGED ME ONTO A RUNWAY.

I DON'T LIKE TO FLY.

I LIKE EVEN LESS TO BE LANDED ON.

THIS IS SUCH A MESS.

YOU KNOW, I...

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! GOD!

OH, BERG, COME ON, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

YEAH. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A REALLY ROUGH STRETCH LATELY

AND YOU'RE JUST REACHING OUT FOR SOMEONE

TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

WELL, IT'S NOT WORKING.

HEY... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN COUNT ON FOR HAPPINESS.

YEAH.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

WHAT... NO!

I THOUGHT YOU... WERE THE ONE I COULD RELY ON!

I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU!

YOU HAVE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, YOU MORON!

SHE MADE A PASS AT ME, AND I SAID, "NO!"

SO, NOBODY'S GOT ANY IDEA WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE TODAY?

FINE. WELL, MAYBE SOMEONE WILL REMEMBER

WHEN YOU'RE ALL ON YOUR 5th MILE.

I WANT EVERYONE ON THE TRACK IN 10 MINUTES.

UH, CAPTAIN...

WHAT... WHAT ABOUT ME?

YEAH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

RUN CAREFULLY.

YOU WERE SMART TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, DUNVILLE.

YOU'RE A REAL GENIUS, CHEESE WAD.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!

YOU HAD NO BUSINESS MAKING A FOOL OUT OF ME!

OH, YEAH, YOU LOOKED SO STUPID WATCHING ME BANG

FROM TREE TO TREE LIKE GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE!

YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT WOMEN AROUND HERE?

I'M NEVER GONNA PROVE MYSELF IF YOU'RE RUNNING INTERFERENCE!

I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO BE MY BIG BROTHER!

UNBELIEVABLE... YOU'RE RUDE AND YOU'RE UNGRATEFUL.

FROM NOW ON, YOU CAN FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLES

BECAUSE I'M NOT WATCHING YOUR BACK ANYMORE!

GOOD!

FINE!

STARTING NOW.

FINALLY!

I WOULD HAVE TOLD THAT STORY, "SOME GIRL HURT MY NECK."

A LOT MORE CONCISE.

THE FLOWERS ARE NOT FOR SHARON, RIGHT?

NO. NO, IRENE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRL FROM THE MORGUE?

LAST TIME I SAW HER, SHE WAS DRIVING OFF A CLIFF

IN A CONVERTIBLE WITH HER BEST FRIEND.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

IF I COMFORT YOU, YOU WON'T KISS ME, WILL YOU?

OOH, VISITOR! OH!

YOU!

YEAH.

IRENE, I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

AND I MADE YOU A CARD,

SO, HOPEFULLY, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO FORGIVE ME.

"I'M SORRY I KICKED YOU OUT. IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO SHOUT.

"SO IF YOU CAN FORGIVE, I'LL LET YOUR CATS LIVE

IN MY BATHTUB OR MAYBE MY CLOSET."

NOW I FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT CHAIRMAN MEOW DID IN YOUR SHOES.

WHAT DID HE DO IN MY SHOES?

GOODBYE!