Original subtitles

CAN YOU BELIEVE JOHNNY AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED

IN JUST A COUPLE MONTHS?

STILL TO EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

WHAT? HEY, IT'S NOT A LOCK.

WE'RE EACH WRITING OUR OWN PERSONAL VOWS

THAT WE'RE GOING TO RECITE TO EACH OTHER AT THE WEDDING.

JOHNNY'S WRITING HIS OWN? ALL RIGHT. LIMERICKS.

HEY, HEY.

HE'S BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME ON HIS.

I BET THEY'RE GOING TO BE VERY ROMANTIC.

HA HA HA!

HELLO?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHH. WHAT? YES. NO, ABSOLUTELY.

YES, I'LL BE THERE. THANK YOU. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, GUTTMANN CALLED IN SICK.

THEY WANT ME TO FILL IN FOR HIM.

WHAT A DAY TO BE ME!

PETE, FIRE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH JOHNNY WRITING HIS OWN VOWS?

ALL RIGHT, MY FIRST OIL FIRE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WATER MAKES AN OIL FIRE BIGGER.

YEAH, I KNOW.

NOW, THAT'S A FIRE WORTH FIGHTING.

OKAY, REMEMBER WHAT HE WROTE ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY CARD?

"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. IT'S BEEN COOL GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

"YOU'RE REALLY COOL.

STAY COOL."

"JOHNNY."

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE WROTE THAT IN ONLY TWO DAYS.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

WHAT WAS I THINKING? I BETTER GO TALK TO JOHNNY.

YEAH.

PETE. WHAT?

BACKDRAFT.

ON IT!

OH!

WERE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?

WELL, I WAS, BUT I FOUND A DOUGHNUT ON THE SIDEWALK,

SO I'M FULL.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW. I SAID YOUR NAME,

AND THE STOVE BURST INTO FLAMES.

YOU ARE SO FUNNY. IS IT THE CELIBACY?

THAT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, I TAKE COMFORT IN KNOWING

THAT THERE'S A TEAM OF JAPANESE SCIENTISTS

WORKING ROUND THE CLOCK TO FIND A WAY TO DESTROY YOU.

HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY.

THAT'S MINE.

I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY IT TASTES EXTRA SPECIAL.

OH, THAT'S NOT WHY.

IS THERE ANY REASON YOU'RE HERE?

I JUST WANTED TO INVITE YOU TO NOMAR'S GOLF TOURNAMENT.

ALL OF HIS RED SOX TEAMMATES ARE GOING TO BE THERE,

PLUS LOTS OF OTHER CELEBRITIES.

AND HOW WILL I BE HUMILIATED?

GLAD YOU ASKED. YOU HAVE TO BE A CADDIE.

SURPRISE! I'D LOVE TO BE NOMAR'S CADDIE.

I'LL GET TO HANG OUT WITH HIM, WAVE TO THE CROWD.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SURPRISE! YOU'RE MY CADDIE.

WELL DONE.

YOU'RE GETTING MORE EVIL.

WE NEED TO FIND HER NEST AND DESTROY THE EGGS.

PETE!

PETE! COME ON, WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE.

I AM NOT WEARING A VEST WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST BRAND ME WITH "666"?

PETE, YOU HAVE TO WEAR IT.

OTHERWISE, IF YOU GET LOST,

HOW WILL ANYONE KNOW WHO YOU BELONG TO?

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE YOUR CADDIE.

YOU WANT TO BOSS ME AROUND IN FRONT OF A CROWD.

KNOW WHAT? NOT THIS GUY. I HAVE MY PRIDE.

CARL YASTRZEMSKI'S GOING TO BE THERE.

I'LL LOOK FOR MY PRIDE ON THE BACK NINE.

WE'RE IN A HURRY. DON'T BE A CHATTY CADDIE.

HELLO?

Berg: Pete? BERG.

I'm scared. WHAT?

I never should have come to the hospital.

I'm not ready. I shouldn't be handling patients.

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT.

I'VE ALREADY GOT FOUR ROOMS WAITING FOR ME.

WHAT IF I STICK A NEEDLE IN SOME GUY AND NEARLY KILL HIM?

I WANT TO GO HOME.

MY GRANDMOM USED TO ALWAYS SAY,

"THE HARDER THE CHOICE, THE SWEETER THE REWARD."

SHE ALSO SAID

WINSTON CHURCHILL SHOVELED HER DRIVEWAY.

YOU CAN'T PROVE HE DIDN'T.

WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR BROOKLINE.

THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR HAVING AN IDIOT

FOR MY CADDIE.

OH, GREAT, I'M MISSING IT.

OH, DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET ALONG WITHOUT IT.

THE TIN MAN DID.

CAN WE JUST GET TO THE TOURNAMENT?

FINE.

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

WE'RE IN A RUSH.

I'M IN A HURRY, TOO. GIVE ME YOUR WALLETS AND WATCHES.

COME ON, GIVE THEM UP. AND I'LL TAKE THOSE CLUBS.

THOSE WERE A GIFT FROM MY BOYFRIEND NOMAR GARCIAPARRA.

THE BASEBALL PLAYER?

SO THEY MUST BE PRETTY VALUABLE.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HAND THEM OVER, GUTTER WENCH.

WHOA... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT.

I WAS TALKING TO YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? ASHLEY, STAY BEHIND ME.

NO, NO, NO.

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS ARE CAPABLE OF.

HE IS NOT WORTH IT. HE'S A PATHETIC LOSER.

YOU DON'T, HOWEVER, HAVE TO MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE.

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

HERE'S A DOLLAR. JUST LEAVE US ALONE.

YOU'RE NOT MAKING THE RULES.

YOU KNOW WHAT, PAL? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A WEAPON.

GOOD POINT, PETEY.

OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU YOUR JOB,

BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE FLASHED THAT EARLIER.

GOOD CHOICE, PETEY.

THE HARDER THE CHOICE, THE SWEETER THE REWARDS.

HEY, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO SAY THAT.

HELP-O.

I MEAN, HELLO.

GIVE ME THAT!

IF YOU WERE HERE RIGHT NOW, I'D KICK YOUR FACE IN.

THANKS FOR THE PHONE.

YEAH, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING THE STATE,

'CAUSE THERE'S ROAMING CHARGES!

SIR, I KNOW,

I DON'T BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAY THIS, EITHER,

BUT WE WERE MUGGED TODAY,

AND WE JUST NEED SOME MONEY TO GET HOME.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,

I'M RAISING MONEY FOR MY SCHOOL.

ALL RIGHT, THIS ISN'T WORKING.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT SYMPATHETIC ENOUGH.

MAYBE I COULD POKE YOUR EYES OUT,

AND YOU COULD SELL PENCILS.

WE ARE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE HERE.

COULD YOU PLEASE JUST WORK WITH ME?

FORGET IT. I AM NOT BEGGING.

FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

♪ OH, WHEN THE SUN BEATS DOWN ♪

♪ AND BURNS THE TAR UP ON THE ROOF ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

♪ AND YOUR SHOES ARE SO HOT ♪

♪ YOU WISH YOUR TIRED FEET WERE ♪

♪ FIREPROOF ♪

THANK YOU, SIR.

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ DOWN BY THE SEA ♪

♪ ON A BLANKET WITH MY BABY ♪

♪ IS WHERE I'LL BE ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ OUT OF THE SUN ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ WE'LL BE HAVING SOME FUN ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ WITH PEOPLE WALKING ABOVE ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ WE'LL BE FALLING IN LOVE ♪

♪ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ♪

♪ BOARDWALK ♪

OH!

WERE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?

WELL, I WAS, BUT I FOUND A DOUGHNUT ON THE SIDEWALK,

SO I'M FULL.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

YEAH, JUST DOING SOME WORK IN IRENE'S APARTMENT.

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT'S WHAT YOUR AIR FILTER LOOKS LIKE

WHEN YOU HAVE 40 CATS.

EW.

YOU THINK THAT'S GROSS, I CLEANED IT YESTERDAY.

HEY, BABY, HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOUR WEDDING VOWS YET?

YES, COMING ALONG NICELY, THANK YOU.

CAN I HEAR THEM?

WAIT A MINUTE. JUST LAST WEEK, WE HAD A BIG FIGHT...

HONEY, HONEY, WE DON'T FIGHT.

RIGHT. SORRY.

I HAD THIS LOUD LISTENING SESSION...

BECAUSE I WANTED TO USE THE PRIEST'S VOWS,

BUT YOU SAID NO,

YOU WANTED OUR VOWS TO BE SPECIAL

AND TO BE SURPRISED BY THEM AT THE WEDDING.

I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. I'LL JUST GO READ THEM MYSELF.

I HID THEM. I WROTE THEM IN CODE.

JUST READ ME THE VOWS!

OH, SHARON, GOOD.

I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME

PUT SOME DIAPERS ON THE CATS

WHILE THEIR POTTIES ARE OUT OF COMMISSION.

THIS ISN'T OVER.

BUM-BUM, YOU GET BACK HERE.

EW, STINKY!

OH, HEY, SWEETIE, I WAS JUST MAKING YOU SOME LUNCH.

THEY'RE NOT IN THERE.

SWEETIE, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU THOUGHT...

I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY. VOWS!

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HEAR THEM? DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

IT'S JUST THAT PETE AND BERG FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

THEY ALSO FELT STRONGLY THAT WE HOLD THE RECEPTION

AT HOOTERS.

I AM SERIOUS. THEY SAID I SHOULD HEAR YOUR VOWS.

RIGHT.

OKAY, I'LL PROVE IT.

ARE YOU SO IMMATURE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO CALL...

YES, YOU ARE.

PETE, TELL JOHNNY HE SHOULD READ ME THE VOWS.

Pete: I mean, hello.

IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?

Man: If you were here right now,

I'd kick your face in.

OKAY, WHEN HE GETS BACK, HE'S GOING TO PAY FOR THAT.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

FINE, FINE. I WILL SHOW YOU.

OOH, LOOK, FREE PRIZE INSIDE.

OKAY, OKAY, I AM PICTURING MYSELF AT THE ALTAR

IN MY BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

NOW GO.

I'M STILL PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES

ON THESE.

OH, BABY, I'M SURE THAT THEY'RE PERFECT

BECAUSE THEY COME FROM YOU.

ALL RIGHT. READY?

YEAH.

OKAY. AHEM.

"I, JONATHAN DONNELLY,

"TAKE YOU, SHARON CARTER,

"TO BE MY LAWFUL WEDDED BRIDE,

TO HOLD AND TO HAVE..."

"TO STAY WITH YOU,

WHETHER YOU HAVE MONEY OR NOT..."

"WHETHER YOU'RE NOT FEELING WELL OR WELL,

UNTIL ONE OF US IS DEAD."

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HMM. SO MANY THINGS.

WHAT?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND A BIT FAMILIAR TO YOU?

WELL, OKAY, I ADMIT

I USED THE CHURCH VOWS AS A BLUEPRINT,

BUT I GOT SOME ORIGINAL STUFF IN THERE.

I LOVED THE PART

WHERE YOU SWITCHED "HAVE" AND "HOLD."

HONEY, HONEY,

I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO WRITE SOMETHING SPECIAL

THAT WAS GOING TO BE JUST FOR US.

I KNOW, BUT THIS SAYS EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO SAY.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

NOW LET'S WORK ON WHAT I WANT YOU TO SAY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

LET'S HEAR YOUR VOWS.

YOU CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

DON'T HAVE THEM.

WHAT?

I'VE BEEN BUSY!

UNTIL YOU'VE WRITTEN YOURS, YOU'VE NO RIGHT TO CRITICIZE.

WAIT, WAIT, WHERE YOU GOING?

I'VE DONE MY HOMEWORK, SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

SO, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, THERE ARE SOME CATS

WHO'VE MADE POOPY IN THEIR DIAPIES.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY DADDY.

HE ALWAYS BRINGS THE CRAZIEST PRESENTS.

LAST YEAR, HE BROUGHT ME A LAWN FLAMINGO.

ISN'T THAT NUTS?

YEAH, SOMETIMES I WONDER WHERE I CAME FROM.

OH, HEY, SHAR.

SHE'S GOT THE GRUMPIES. GOOD LUCK.

Sharon: OKAY, OKAY.

YOU WANT TO HEAR VOWS? I'LL SHOW YOU VOWS.

GO AHEAD. I WILL.

ALL RIGHT. "MY VOWS" BY SHARON CARTER.

"I, SHARON CARTER,

"ON THE EMBARKATION OF THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION,

"PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE TRUE

"TO THE SACREDNESS OF OUR MARRIAGE

"WHERE OUR UNION WILL SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS.

"WE WILL EVERY DAY TRY

"TO MAKE OUR PLANET A BETTER PLACE,

"INSPIRING THOSE AROUND US TO BE BETTER PEOPLE,

BRINGING JOY AND PEACE TO THE WORLD."

THANK YOU, MISS INDIANA.

EXCUSE ME?

AND NOW FOR THE TALENT PORTION OF OUR WEDDING...

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

LET'S JUST GO WITH "UNTIL ONE OF US IS DEAD."

OH, YEAH, DR. BERG IS BACK, BABY!

JEEZ, JOHNNY... YOU SCARED ME.

WELL DONE. YOU'RE GETTING MORE EVIL.

WE NEED TO FIND HER NEST AND DESTROY THE EGGS.

HA HA HA.

AW, PETE SEES YOU AS A MOM.

SO, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?

DR. GUTTMANN CALLED IN SICK,

AND THEY'RE LETTING ME FILL IN FOR HIM.

IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

JUST KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY ON ACADEMIC PROBATION.

IF YOU SCREW UP THEN, WHERE DO YOU GO?

OUT OF THE PROGRAM. THREE YEARS WASTED.

I KNOW THAT! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?

DR. BERGEN, I HAVE AN EMERGENCY.

FINISH UP WITH THE PATIENT IN ROOM A.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A SMALL LACERATION OVER THE EYE.

HOW SMALL? SMALL SMALL, TEENY SMAL?

TEENY SMALL, YEAH. I'VE DONE THE SUTURES.

JUST FINISH IT UP.

OKAY. SO THAT WOULD ENTAIL...

PUTTING ON A BAND-AID.

SMALL BAND-AID, TEENY BAND-AID?

I-I'LL MAKE THE CALL.

HELLO?

Pete? BERG.

I'M SCARED.

WHAT?

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME TO THE HOSPITAL.

I'M NOT READY.

I SHOULDN'T BE HANDLING PATIENTS.

MY GRANDMOM USED TO ALWAYS SAY,

"THE HARDER THE CHOICE, THE SWEETER THE REWARD."

SHE ALSO SAID

WINSTON CHURCHILL SHOVELED HER DRIVEWAY.

YOU CAN'T PROVE HE DIDN'T.

You just need your confidence back.

ALL RIGHT? TAKE ON A CASE YOU CAN HANDLE.

START WITH THE EASY ONES AND WORK YOUR WAY UP.

THANKS, MAN.

I GOT TO CALL A CAB. WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.

TAKE THE SUBWAY. IT'S WAY FASTER.

I DON'T KNOW.

TRUST ME, PETE.

CAB DRIVERS WILL RIP YOU OFF.

SO, HOW WE DOING TODAY?

I'VE BEEN BETTER.

LET'S, UH, LET'S JUST TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

OKAY, I CAN DO THIS.

YOU WEREN'T SURE?

I'VE BEEN ON PROBATION.

SO, UH, SO, HOW'D IT HAPPEN, ANYWAY?

ON THE JOB. GUY TOOK A SWING AT ME.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE IT UP,

FIND SOME OTHER LINE OF WORK.

WELL, IS THIS, UH,

IS THIS JOB SOMETHING YOU LOVE DOING?

SURE. MAKE MY OWN HOURS, THE PAY IS PRETTY GOOD,

AND I DEAL WITH PEOPLE, WHICH I LIKE.

WELL, THEN YOU CAN'T QUIT.

IF THIS JOB IS SOMETHING YOU LOVE DOING,

YOU GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE.

NO, YOU GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE TODAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, HEY, A FRIEND OF MINE GAVE ME A PIECE OF ADVICE.

SHOVE A BUM.

HE SAID, "THE HARDER THE CHOICE,

THE SWEETER THE REWARD."

THAT'S CATCHY.

YOU KNOW YOUR CUSTOMERS.

YOU START WITH THE EASY ONES, WORK YOUR WAY UP.

BERGEN, NEED YOU IN EXAM ROOM D.

BE RIGHT THERE, STUART.

THANKS, DOC. I'M GOING TO TAKE A WALK DOWNTOWN

AND GET BACK TO WORK RIGHT NOW.

OH, TAKE THE SUBWAY. IT'S WAY FASTER.

HERE.

HAVE A TOKEN ON ME.

THANKS. TAKE ON THE EASY ONES FIRST.

PULL DOWN THE WEAKEST OF THE HERD.

I JUST CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. WHY US?

HEY, LISTEN, PETE, I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR STICKING UP FOR ME TODAY WITH THE MUGGER.

WELL, GUTTER WENCH

IS MY SPECIAL NICKNAME FOR YOU.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

I SUGGEST WE PUT THIS UGLINESS BEHIND US.

YOU MEAN THE MUGGING? NO, I MEAN US GETTING ALONG.

ARE YOU FINISHED REWRITING YOUR VOWS?

I HAVE VOW BLOCK.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

WHY CAN'T WE DO THIS?

WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT US?

WELL, I JUST... I'VE NEVER BEEN VERY GOOD AT,

YOU KNOW, PUTTING THAT KIND OF STUFF ON PAPER.

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU.

OF COURSE.

I MEAN, I-I GUESS.

OH...

COME ON, SHARON, I COULD... I COULD NEVER IMAGINE

SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH ANYBODY EXCEPT YOU.

I KNOW.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

IT HURTS TO EVEN IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU.

WITH YOU IN MY LIFE AND HOLDING MY HAND,

I HAVE ALL THAT I COULD EVER WANT.

DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERY MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP

AND SEE YOU LYING NEXT TO ME,

I JUST... I THANK GOD HOW LUCKY I AM

THAT I GET TO GROW OLD WITH YOU?

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD, THOSE ARE VOWS.

DO YOU HAVE A PEN? OH! OKAY.

WHAT WAS THAT THING

YOU SAID ABOUT BEING IN BED? OLD.

RIGHT, AND THEN YOU SAID SOMETHING

ABOUT BEING TOGETHER FOR SOMETHING FOREVER,

AND THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING.

LOVE! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IN MY LIFE.

OH, THE HELL WITH IT.

I, SHARON CARTER,

TAKE YOU, JONATHAN DONNELLY,

TO BE MY LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND,

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER,

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

TILL ONE OF US IS DEAD.

THAT'S COOL.

YAY! OH, HEY, HERE YOU GO.

GOT THAT?

YEAH, THANKS.

DADDY!

KITTEN!

OH!

HERE!

I GOT YOU SOME GOLF CLUBS.

DADDY, I DON'T GOLF. YOU ARE SO CRAZY!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M GOING TO CALL MY CELL PHONE,

GIVE THAT MUGGER A PIECE OF MY MIND.

GOOD FOR YOU.

OH, MY DADDY JUST GAVE ME ONE OF THESE.

NOW, WHO WOULD CALL ME? HELLO?

HELLO. HELLO. HELLO.

HELLO. HELLO!

WHAT? WHAT?

IRENE, KNOCK IT OFF. I CAN'T HEAR.

OH, SORRY.

HELLO? GREAT. HE HUNG UP.

GOD, YOU PEOPLE ARE DUMB.

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