Original subtitles

AND SO, I'VE BEEN APPOINTED TO THE FUNDRAISING COMMITTEE

AT THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL!

YOU'RE REALLY BEING A GOOD PERSON.

I DON'T GET IT.

YOU LET US KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO TO HELP.

ACTUALLY, UM, I'M ORGANIZING A CHARITY BACHELORS' AUCTION.

OH, I'M AVAILABLE ANYTIME.

ALL RIGHT!

AFTER THAT THING!

OH, BERG, PLEASE.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. I KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK, OKAY?

A BUNCH OF DESPERATE WIDOWS SLOBBERING ALL OVER YOU.

PETE?

YEAH, IT SOUNDS GOOD.

WHO IS IT?

Woman: IRENE!

IT'S IRENE.

HI!

WHERE'S PETE?

OH, HE'S NOT HERE.

I THOUGHT I HEARD HIS VOICE.

WELL, WHEN SHARON AND I ANSWER TOGETHER...

IT SOUNDS LIKE PETE.

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT

IF I BORROWED SOME OF PETE'S CLOTHES TO SLEEP IN?

NO.

NO HARM ASKING.

IRENE, I GOT YOUR CAT.

I FOUND THE RASCAL IN MY PLANTS.

NO, NO!

HE'S JUST A LITTLE CUTIE.

THANK YOU.

OH, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE CUTIE!

AND SHE'S JUST A LITTLE CREEPY.

ASHLEY HAS BEEN REALLY NICE LATELY...

EVER SINCE SHE GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND.

OOH! ASHLEY HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND?

WHO IS HE?

I DON'T KNOW.

HERE'S ONE OF PETE'S SOCKS FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

SHARON, HOW MANY WEDDINGS HAVE YOU BEEN IN?

THERE'S, LIKE, FIVE BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES HERE.

EVERYTHING'S GOT TO GO.

YOU SURE? WHAT IF BUTT UGLY COMES BACK INTO STYLE?

HEY, I JUST DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS STUFF ANYMORE.

I AM CLEANSING MYSELF OF THE OLD MATERIALISTIC ME.

AND WHILE SHE'S CLEANSING, I'M MAKING OUT LIKE A BANDIT.

JOHNNY, THIS THING DOESN'T WORK. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

SORRY, PETE. ALL SALES FINAL.

BUT, JOHNNY, I ASKED YOU... BUT NOTHING.

HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WOULDN'T BUY

THE EXTENDED WARRANTY FOR 50 CENTS.

JOHNNY, IT'S NOT FAIR.

AT LEAST THROW IN THAT FISHING POLE.

WHAT FISHING POLE?

YOU'RE SELLING MY FISHING POLE?

BABY, WE AGREED.

WE'RE CHANGING OUR LIVES.

I'M NOT CHANGING. YOU'RE CHANGING.

I WAS ALREADY GOOD.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FISHING FOR MONTHS.

I WENT LAST WEEKEND.

YES, AND YOU WERE GONE ALL DAY!

THIS IS MINE.

IT GOES BACK IN THE CLOSET WITH MY TACKLE BOX.

HEY, IS A TACKLE BOX SOMETHING THAT'S SQUARE AND SMELLY

THAT YOU COULD SELL QUICK FOR ABOUT 7 BUCKS?

YEAH.

SWEETIE, WE HAVEN'T HUGGED IN A WHILE!

OH, VIPER... NICE CAR!

YEAH, TRY GETTING GROCERIES IN IT.

WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON.

THAT'S ASHLEY AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND.

"OH, LOOK AT ME. I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY."

WHAT A LOSER.

OF COURSE HE IS. WHO ELSE WOULD DATE ASHLEY?

HEY.

THANKS. I HAD FUN.

HEY, PETE.

GOD, ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY, AND I'LL FIND OUT?

YOU ARE SO FUNNY!

AAH! BERG, IT BURNS!

SO, I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND, HUH?

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER HIM.

HE WAS ENTERTAINING KIDS IN PEDIATRICS.

OH, THE FAT CLOWN. CONGRATULATIONS.

NO, THE, UM, OTHER ONE.

NOMAR GARCIAPARRA?

HUH.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THERE WERE

TWO NOMAR GARCIAPARRAS IN THE WORLD?

ONE'S THE FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER,

AND THE OTHER ONE'S NOT TOO PICKY.

PETE...

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE DATING NOMAR GARCIAPARRA?

BERG, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO,

WHEN YOU SQUEAL LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOLGIRL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

WE GET TO HANG OUT WITH NOMAR

AND HE'LL GIVE US BOX SEATS,

AND WHAT'S THE CUTOFF AGE FOR BATBOYS?

ASHLEY!

OH, MY GOD! IT'S HIM! IT'S HIM!

HOW DO I LOOK? HOW DO I LOOK?

I GOT HALFWAY DOWN THE BLOCK

AND NOTICED YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE.

OH, THANKS, NOMIE.

SO, HEY, THIS IS PETE, AND THIS IS BERG.

BERG?

HA HA. THAT'S A FUNNY NAME.

IT IS A FUNNY NAME, NOMAR. YOU'RE THE BEST!

HEY, MAN.

WHAT'S UP, GERM?

I REALLY WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR GETTING ME THIS ORDERLY GIG.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WORK HERE

BEFORE THEY MAKE ME A DOCTOR?

WELL, UH... WELL, IT'S A SENIORITY SYSTEM.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU, THE NEXT DOCTOR THAT DIES...

YOU'RE IN.

COOL.

HEY. WHOA, ASH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF OUR SHIFT.

THEY'RE LETTING ME OFF EARLY.

BUT IT... WE'RE SWAMPED TODAY.

I FEEL BAD, BUT NOMAR IS GETTING HIS ESPY AWARD,

SO THE OTHER DOCTORS AGREED TO COVER FOR ME.

NOMAR? ESPY AWARDS?

BERG, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YOUR OLD BETTY'S GOING OUT WITH A BASEBALL STUD!

YES, I'VE HEARD.

THAT GUY'S A STAR. OH, YOU REALLY TRADED UP.

THANK YOU, GERM.

YOU DUMPED HER, AND NOW YOUR EX-BETTY IS THE QUEEN BETTY.

SHE'S THE LEADER OF ALL BETTYS IN THE FREE WORLD.

ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM CALL YOU A BETTY?

IT WOULD BOTHER ME IF I WEREN'T THE QUEEN BETTY.

OH, MAN, SHE'S FUNNY.

HEY, SHARON.

HEY, IRENE. SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?

OH, A GARAGE SALE!

THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY MOM

USED TO TAKE ME SHOPPING FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

OH!

OH, MY GOD.

WHERE DID YOU GET THESE BEAUTIFULLY COLORED DRESSES?

OH, ARE THEY FOR SALE, OR ARE THEY JUST FOR SHOW?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THEY'RE FOR SALE.

THEN I'M THE LUCKY LEPRECHAUN

AT THE END OF THIS BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW.

GUESS I BETTER TAKE THEM ALL. HOW MUCH?

UH, FIVE.

HUNDRED?

$500?

YOU SAID IT... $500! NO TAKE-BACKS!

SHOOT! YOU GOT ME THERE. I SAID IT.

YOU WANT TO JUST WRITE ME A CHECK?

I DON'T BELIEVE IN BANKS. THEY GET ROBBED ALL THE TIME.

I HIDE ALL MY MONEY IN MY JEWELRY BOX.

HEY!

OH, HI, BERG!

LOOK AT THESE PRETTY DRESSES I BOUGHT!

IT'S LIKE I WAS PRACTICALLY IN THE WEDDINGS!

YOU ARE TOO SAD.

OH, YOU TEASE!

WHAT'S WITH YOU?

NOTHING. IT'S ASHLEY'S NEW BOYFRIEND.

EVERYONE THINKS HE'S SO GREAT

JUST 'CAUSE HE'S A BASEBALL PLAYER.

NO, HE'S A REALLY GREAT GUY.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

WE ALL WENT OUT TO DINNER THE OTHER NIGHT

AND HE PAID FOR EVERYTHING... BIG HIT WITH JOHNNY.

HE WAS GREAT WITH THOSE KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL.

OH, REALLY? DID HE HEAL THEM?

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

BECAUSE WHAT YOU DO

IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT HE DOES.

YES, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE PERFECT GUY TO FILL THE LAST SLOT

IN THE BACHELOR AUCTION.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE DOING THE AUCTION, OKAY?

GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO COMPETE WITH NOMAR.

NOMAR'S IN IT?

HE'S GOING TO BE ON YOUR HOME TURF.

EVERYONE AT THE HOSPITAL LOVES ME.

YES, THEY DO.

BUT, YOU KNOW,

I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR NOMAR.

HOLD IT.

DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO?

YOU'RE PROTECTING YOUR NEW FRIEND NOMAR.

WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK. COUNT ME IN.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE TWO DAYS TO GET A BOD.

MAN, I'VE SOLD ALL SORTS OF CRAP TODAY.

PETE... ALL EYES ARE ON YOU...

'CAUSE YOU'RE STANDING NEXT TO ME.

YOUR FLY IS DOWN.

I KNOW. WHATEVER IT TAKES.

SO, SHALL WE GO, UH, PEDDLE OUR GOODS?

YEAH. I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU IN A SECOND.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, DONNELLY, I GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU.

WHAT'S THAT?

THIS IS TOAST FROM MY NEW TOASTER.

BUT... BUT LOOK, LOOK.

IT'S NOT CRISPY.

IT'S... NOT CRUNCHY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT EVEN GOLDEN-BROWN.

WELL, LOOK, IT'S NOT EVEN TOAST.

IT'S BREAD.

YOU SOLD ME A BREADER.

I WAS AFRAID YOU WEREN'T COMING.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

SORRY, SHAR, I PASSED A MIRROR ON THE WAY OVER.

YOU DO LOOK GREAT.

YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE GUY

WHO'S GOING TO BRING IN MORE MONEY THAN ANY OTHER BACHELOR.

YOU KNOW HOW I TOLD YOU

PEOPLE WOULD PAY MORE FOR YOU THAN FOR NOMAR?

THAT, IN THE CHARITY BUSINESS, IS KNOWN AS A LIE.

YOU SEE, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, MY FRIEND.

I OWN THIS PLACE. WATCH.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO INTRODUCE ME TO THESE LADIES?

THIS IS MRS. ELLIOT.

SHE'S ONE OF THE HOSPITAL'S BIGGEST BENEFACTORS.

HI. DR. MICHAEL BERGEN...

THE MAY TO YOUR DECEMBER.

THAT IS SO CHARMING!

IT'S TOO BAD THIS ISN'T A BACHELORETTE AUCTION,

BECAUSE I WOULD BE BIDDING ON YOU, FOXY.

ARE YOU, UH, WILLING TO TAKE A TURN?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.

SHOW ME THE MONEY.

I'LL SEE YOU ON THE AUCTION BLOCK.

WEAR YOUR BIFOCALS.

YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT!

OH, MY GOD! THAT'S NOMAR!

OH, GIVE ME A PUSH, AND I'LL TOUCH HIS BUNS.

YOU SOLD ME A BROKEN TOASTER.

SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

FINE. I WILL FIX IT!

GOOD!

FOR 20 BUCKS.

Berg: CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?

LOOK AT HIM HOGGING THE SPOTLIGHT.

YEAH, I KNOW.

IT SICKENS ME WHEN A SPORTS HERO

TAKES TIME OUT OF HIS BUSY SCHEDULE

TO RAISE MONEY FOR KIDS.

HE'S JUST HERE FOR THE PUBLICITY.

I'M HERE SO THE KIDS CAN GET THEIR NEW...

PONY?

IT'S TO BUILD A NEW CHILDREN'S WING.

WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET THE PONY RUN WILD.

HOW ABOUT I BUY MY TWO BUDDIES A COUPLE OF DRINKS?

COULD YOU SEND MINE OVER THERE?

I'M GOING TO SAY HI TO NOMAR.

OKAY, WELL, I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, PETE.

OKAY, GO.

THANKS.

BARTENDER... YES, SIR, WHAT'S YOUR POISON?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, JUST DOING MY PART FOR CHARITY...

POURING A LITTLE BOOZE FOR THE KIDS.

POUR ME A DOUBLE.

COME ON, YOU GOT TO GET OVER THIS NOMAR THING.

HE'S JUST A MAN.

HE TAKES A FASTBALL IN THE TEMPLE,

HE'S JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.

OH, AND HERE I WAS, GETTING ALL DOWN ON MYSELF.

THE DRINK... NOW.

I GOT JUST THE THING.

I INVENTED IT MYSELF.

IT'S CALLED... THE GERMINATOR.

WHAT'S IN IT?

OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU, BUT IT CLEANS WHEN IT FLUSHES.

SO YOU AGREE WITH ME, RIGHT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHARON SOLD JOHNNY'S TACKLE BOX.

HE SHOULD GIVE ME MY MONEY, RIGHT?

A DEAL IS A DEAL.

NOMAR, IF YOU HAVE A BAD SEASON,

DO YOU GIVE THE OWNERS THEIR MONEY BACK?

WHICH ANSWER WILL MAKE YOU GUYS LEAVE?

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, NOMAR.

WILL YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF?

WE ARE HERE TO HELP SICK CHILDREN.

LET'S TRY TO BE A LITTLE MORE CHARITABLE.

HI, GUYS. HEY, NOMIE.

NOW, REMEMBER, BABY,

NO MATTER WHO BUYS YOU, YOU'RE COMING HOME TO ME.

AND, NOMAR... I LIVE DOWNSTAIRS.

SO STOP BY, WE'LL PLAY SOME STICKBALL.

OH, ASH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE A DRESS THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT.

NOT ANYMORE.

YOU SOLD ASHLEY MY DRESS?

I HAD TO.

WE WERE ALL OUT OF TACKLE BOXES.

GERM... I CAN'T FEEL MY LIPS.

YOU'RE IN STAGE ONE, BABY.

HEY, YOU, JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.

YOU'RE WISHING THE WRONG GUY LUCK.

HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD?

I DON'T KNOW.

APPARENTLY, THE GERMINATOR

ATTACKS THE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM.

ENTERING STAGE TWO.

OKAY, WELL, I'M GOING TO THE COAT CHECK.

CALL ME IF YOU NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION.

I CANNOT GET OVER HOW GREAT YOU LOOK.

OH, THANK YOU.

HE'S GOT SOME NERVE SELLING HER MY DRESS.

YOU'RE WISHING THE WRONG GUY LUCK.

SOLD FOR $1,200!

THANK YOU, DAN.

OKAY!

OUR NEXT HANDSOME BACHELOR UP FOR AUCTION

IS MR. PETE DUNVILLE!

YES!

PETE SAYS HE'S A PISCES WHO LIKES GOOD WINE,

INTIMATE DINNERS,

AND WOULD RATHER LISTEN THAN TALK.

Oh! Here.

OH, UH, "HE'D ALSO LIKE TO STRESS

"THAT HE'S A FAIR AND ETHICAL PERSON.

WHEN YOU BUY PETE DUNVILLE, YOU DON'T GET A BROKEN TOASTER."

WE'LL START THE BIDDING AT $500.

$500, DO I HEAR $550?

I THINK I'M GOING TO BID ON HIM.

HE SEEMS LIKE A NICE BOY.

HE REMINDS ME OF MY GRANDSON.

THEN YOUR GRANDSON'S A BACKSTABBING LIAR!

ALL RIGHT, THE BID STANDS AT $900!

GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE... WHOO! $4,000!

NO. NO.

IRENE, THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF YOU.

GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE... NO! AAH!

SOLD FOR $4,000!

YES!

MAN, I WAS WISHING I'D GET ONE OF THOSE OLD LADIES.

YOU'RE WISHING THE WRONG GUY LUCK.

PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEXT BACHELOR...

DR. MICHAEL BERGEN.

IT'S OKAY!

SAVED THE OLIVE.

OKAY, UM... BERG, AS HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM,

SAYS HE COULD HAVE BEEN A PROFESSIONAL BALLPLAYER,

BUT DECIDED INSTEAD TO DEDICATE HIMSELF

TO SAVING LIVES.

OKAY!

WHO WANTS TO START THE BIDDING AT $500?

$500?

COME ON, LADIES.

A ROMANTIC EVENING AT MY PLACE...

CANDLELIGHT... MUSIC... SOFT FOOD.

$500?

$600.

Berg, you can't bid on yourself.

OKAY, IT'S ONLY $500.

OH, I KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.

DRUMROLL, PLEASE.

WHO'D LIKE A BITE OF THIS GREEN APPLE?

HA. HA. HA. HA.

A SENSE OF HUMOR... NORMALLY VERY ATTRACTIVE IN A GUY.

NOW DO I HEAR $400?

$250?

ANYTHING?

LET'S REMEMBER WHY WE'RE HERE.

IT'S A CHARITY, AND A CHARITY IS TO HELP PEOPLE

THAT ARE LESS FORTUNATE THAN US,

AND, BERG, PUT THE CAKE DOWN!

LET ME HANDLE THIS.

YOU KNOW...

I MIGHT NOT BE...

THE PRIZED COW AT THE COUNTY FAIR.

AND I KNOW THAT A LOT OF YOU DON'T THINK I'M WORTH SPIT.

BUT... BUT I BEG TO DIFFER.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M WORTH TONS OF SPIT.

THERE.

THAT'LL TEACH YOU.

WELL, I GUESS THAT PUTS AN END TO THE BIDDING.

$100.

SOLD!

THANK YOU, SIR.

HEY, BERG.

WILL YOU TAKE ME FOR A RIDE IN YOUR CAR?

SURE, TOMORROW, AFTER I PLAY STICKBALL WITH PETE.

SHARON, HAVE YOU SEEN PETE?

I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.

OH, I'M SORRY, IRENE.

HE LEFT JUST RIGHT AFTER THE AUCTION.

IF HE WON'T TALK TO ME, I'M NOT PAYING.

HE'S BEHIND THE BAR.

SHARON, IRENE IS NOT BACK HERE...

THERE YOU ARE!

OH, GOODY! COME ON, PETE.

I WANT TO DRIVE UP AND SEE MY PARENTS.

THEY KEEP ASKING WHEN THEY'RE GOING TO MEET YOU.

HOW SICK ARE THESE CHILDREN?

WELL, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY, THEN.

YOU DID A GREAT JOB TONIGHT, SHARON.

THANK YOU. WE RAISED A LOT OF MONEY.

THAT'S THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME

THAT I ACTUALLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY BEHAVIOR.

IT'S OKAY, BERG.

I KNOW DEEP IN MY HEART

YOU'RE GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY THAT'S JUST PERFECT FOR YOU.

YEAH, WE'LL SEE HOW SATURDAY GOES.

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