Original subtitles

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, BERG!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAME DOWN HERE TO BORROW A PLUNGER,

AND I WOUND UP IN YOUR BEDROOM.

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

I BLAME YOU. WE AGREED NOT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

I DIDN'T PLAN IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

"BERG, CAN I BORROW A PLUNGER?"

"SURE, ASH. LET ME JUST PUT ON SOME MARVIN GAYE

WHILE WE LOOK FOR IT."

I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

IF YOU WERE SORRY, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I'M NOT REALLY SORRY.

BERG, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS.

FIRST YOU DUMP ME FOR NO GOOD REASON,

AND NOW YOU'RE MESSING WITH MY HEAD.

IT'S NOT NICE!

SHE NEVER WAS MUCH OF A CUDDLER, WAS SHE?

YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I CAN'T DATE RIGHT.

I CAN'T BREAK UP RIGHT.

I SHOULDN'T BE WITH ANYONE.

I GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.

I HAVE TO BE STOPPED, AND I'M JUST THE GUY TO DO IT.

GOOD FOR YOU, BERG.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'LL JUST HANG OUT WITH YOU.

WE'LL GET A BIG-SCREEN TV, A COUPLE OF RECLINERS...

LIVE OUT THE REST OF OUR DAYS IN PEACE.

NO MORE WOMEN! YOU WITH ME?

ONE SEC.

HI.

NO.

BOY, THIS PLACE WAS BUSY LAST NIGHT.

HI, BABY.

HEY, FOUND SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

THEY'RE HAVING A BIG WEDDING-DRESS SALE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS SUCH A THING.

THAT'S A RIOT!

ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK IT OUT.

JOHNNY...

I SPENT FOUR MONTHS PICKING OUT MY WEDDING DRESS.

IT'S A COCO VOCE.

A COCO VOCE!

WELL, IT'S STRAINING OUR BUDGET.

STRAINING OUR BUDGET!

THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO ASK MY DAD

TO CHIP IN A LITTLE MORE.

HE'S PAYING FOR THE CHURCH, THE HALL, AND THE CATERING.

THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO DIP INTO THE HOUSE ACCOUNT.

AGAIN... NO.

JUST AS MY PRIDE WON'T ALLOW ME TO GO TO YOUR FATHER,

YOUR PRIDE WON'T ALLOW YOU TO DIP INTO THE NEST EGG.

IT WON'T?

YOU'RE WAY TOO PROUD.

WELL, THEN, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

JOHNNY, STOP FOOLING AROUND!

LET ME PUT THIS INTO PERSPECTIVE FOR YOU.

YOU BUY THAT DRESS,

AND WE CAN'T AFFORD TO INVITE MY FAMILY.

HEY!

NO!

WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS DRESS?

BECAUSE THIS DRESS IS GONNA MAKE THE WEDDING!

EVERYBODY IS FOCUSED ON THE BRIDE.

DON'T YOU WANT ME TO LOOK PERFECT?

SWEETIE, YOU WOULD LOOK PERFECT

IF YOU CAME TO THE WEDDING WEARING OVERALLS.

I WANT OUR WEDDING

TO LOOK DIFFERENT FROM YOUR SISTER'S.

JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT I WAS JUST THINKING...

MY FAMILY IS COMING. OKAY, OKAY.

I THINK I'M GONNA CALL JULIE.

YOU JUST SAW HER THIS MORNING. WANT MY ADVICE?

WHAT?

I JUST SAW YOUR "ALLEGED" EX-GIRLFRIEND

FLEE YOUR APARTMENT,

HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A PLUNGER,

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I WANT YOUR ADVICE?

IT'S JUST FUNNY.

HEY, SHARON.

HEY, I NEED YOUR ADVICE.

ASK BERG. HE'S ON A ROLL.

I GOT TO MAKE A CALL.

LOOK AT THIS DRESS STUNNING, RIGHT?

YEAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS THE ONE I'VE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT WEARING.

BUT JOHNNY WANTS ME TO GET A DRESS AT THIS...

SALE.

I MEAN, WHO BUYS A WEDDING DRESS AT A SALE!

I BOUGHT A SWEATER ON SALE ONCE,

AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT... PEOPLE KNEW!

THE BLUE KNIT?

OKAY, I SEE. I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

OKAY, BYE-BYE.

THIS IS TERRIBLE!

I WROTE HER NUMBER DOWN WRONG.

REMEMBER WHEN I DIDN'T WANT A GUY TO CALL ME?

I'D GIVE HIM THE NUMBER TO THE GAY MEN'S CHORUS.

IT'S A BAD TIME FOR THAT STORY, SHAR.

WHOO-HOO, YEAH! DISPOSAL'S SHOT.

I'LL JUST SWITCH IT FOR THE NEW ONE.

GOD, SHARON'S SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TELLING HER.

I'VE ALWAYS DATED SMART GUYS

WHO COULDN'T CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.

I REALLY ENVY REGULAR PEOPLE.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO REPHRASE THAT.

DON'T TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY!

I'M JUST SAYING...

YOU'RE NOT COMPLICATED. YOU'RE SIMPLE.

I LIKE THAT.

I MEANT REPHRASE IT NICER.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO SENSITIVE?

YOU'RE HANDY.

THAT'S A GOOD THING.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T FIX THIS SINK.

WELL, I COULD IF I HAD A BOOK OR SOMETHING.

HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S PHYSICS.

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO... YOU'RE HERE.

WELL, NOT ANYMORE.

W-W-W-W-WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

FIX IT YOURSELF.

JOHNNY, COME BACK! YOU'RE SMART!

I'M SURE YOU KNOW LOTS OF THINGS I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S 13 JULIE SUTTON'S DOWN, ONE TO GO.

A DEPARTMENT STORE IS NEVER GONNA HAVE MY DRESS.

THEN YOU'LL JUST GET ANOTHER ONE,

AND THAT'LL BE YOUR DRESS.

HEY! YOU'RE NOT BEING A VERY GOOD GIRLFRIEND.

BERG, HELP.

LOOK AT ALL THE WOMEN I'M NOT GONNA MARRY.

IT'S RINGING.

I LURED THEM IN

WITH MY DAZZLING CHARM AND A QUICK WIT,

BUT IT'S NOT FAIR

BECAUSE IN THE END, I'M JUST A HEARTBREAKER.

I AM.

HELLO, IS THIS JULIE SUTTON?

THIS IS PETE.

DID YOU SLEEP WITH ME LAST NIGHT?

WELL, NO.

I THINK I WROTE DOWN HER NUMBER WRONG.

NO, SHE DID NOT BLOW ME OFF!

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE UP?

I APPRECIATE YOUR OPTIMISM, BUT REALLY!

SHARON, SHE DID NOT BLOW ME OFF.

LAST NIGHT WAS ABOUT SOMETHING REAL.

EVERY WOMAN YOU MEET,

YOU RUN AROUND SAYING, "SHE AND I CONNECTED."

I'M TELLING YOU, GUYS, THIS TIME IT WAS DIFFERENT.

HOW?

SHE AND I HAD A CONNECTION.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU MET JOHNNY? YOU JUST KNEW, RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND BERG, YOU KNEW WHEN...

WHEN YOU SAW THAT BELT YOU'RE WEARING, RIGHT?

I APPRECIATE YOU TRYING TO KEEP ME IN THE CONVERSATION.

WHEN AM I GOING TO MEET A GIRL LIKE THAT...

THERE SHE IS!

JULIE, IT'S PETE!

JULIE!

JULIE!

I WROTE YOUR NUMBER DOWN WRONG!

JULIE!

JULIE!

Julie.

HI.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

Man on television: THE FIRST STEP...

WE LOCATE THE O-RING AND THEN RELEASE IT.

O-RING?

OH, WELL, LOOK AT THAT!

IT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE "O."

SO EASY.

STEP TWO... AFTER WE'VE RELEASED THE O-RING,

IT SHOULD ALLOW US

TO FREELY TURN THE HOUSING COUNTERCLOCKWISE.

FREELY TURNING, TIM.

OW!

STEP THREE... THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

SHOULD EASILY COME UNFASTENED FROM THE HOUSING.

EASE UP, TIM! I'M STILL ON STEP TWO!

AND REMEMBER -

WE NEED TO REMOVE ANY BRACELETS OR WATCHES

THAT MIGHT GET CAUGH.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE MADE THAT STEP ONE, TIM.

HEY, LOOK AT US!

WE'RE PLUMBER!

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD!

HEY, DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK MANNEQUINS ARE HOT?

THAT'S MY DRESS!

THAT'S MY DRESS! YES!

MY WEDDING IS SAVED!

UH-OH.

THEY'RE TAKING MY DRESS.

SOMEBODY'S TAKING MY DRESS!

QUICK, DO SOMETHING!

LIKE WHAT?

THROW PETE THROUGH THE WINDOW!

CALM DOWN. WE'LL INTERCEPT IT.

IT'S LOCKED.

THERE MUST BE ANOTHER ENTRANCE.

OKAY...

PETE, GET IN THERE AND START BREAKING WIND.

Berg: OKAY!

THERE'S... THERE'S MY MANNEQUIN!

OKAY, WE CAN MAKE IT! EXCUSE ME!

IF YOU EVEN THINK OF PUSHING PAST ME,

I'LL TIE MY BOUQUET WITH YOUR SMALL INTESTINES!

Pete: GO, GO, GO!

OH!

OH, NO!

THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!

HELP!

OH, GOD! COME ON, COME ON!

Ashley: HI. I'M HOME, BUT I'M SCREENING.

IF YOU MAKE THE CUT, I'LL PICK IT UP.

Ashley, it's Johnny. Pick up.

YES, JOHNNY, HELP ME!

I left my pliers up there.

YES, YES!

YOU'RE PLIERS ARE HERE! COME GET THEM!

But evidently, I didn't make the cut.

OH!

COME ON! WE GOTTA FIND THAT DRESS!

IS THIS IT?

I WOULDN'T WASH MY CAR WITH THAT!

HERE YOU ARE. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A LOVELY BRIDE.

JUST REMEMBER IT'S GOT A BEADED BODICE.

SHARON, I KNOW!

I SAW THE DRESS TWO MINUTES AGO!

WHAT COLOR WAS IT?

LISTEN... YOU STAY HERE WITH HIM,

AND I'M GONNA LOOK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE.

WHAT THE HELL'S A BEADED BODICE?

JULIE!

PETE.

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU,

AND I WROTE YOUR NUMBER DOWN WRONG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT A WEDDING SALE?

IS YOUR SISTER GETTING MARRIED?

NO.

YOUR MOM?

NO.

YOU'RE GOING TO A WEDDING...

YOU WANT TO SHOW UP THE BRIDE?

NO?

OH, MY GOD.

BERG... THAT WOMAN... THERE IT IS!

BODICE, HO!

SHUT UP!

JUST GO GET IT!

WHY SHOULD I GO GET IT? YOU GO GET IT.

I'VE SEEN YOU AT WORK.

YOU COULD TALK A WOMAN OUT OF A DRESS.

FOR ONCE, USE YOUR POWERS FOR GOOD!

I CAN'T JUST TURN IT ON AND OFF LIKE THAT.

I NEED A COUPLE OF DRINKS IN ME.

YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE,

I JUST GUESS YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF!

GOD, WHAT I'D GIVE FOR AN OPPOSABLE TOE.

OH! COME IN!

COME IN, COME IN, COME IN!

OH, JOHNNY, THANK GOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MY WATCH GOT STUCK.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR JEWELRY

WHEN YOU WORK ON PLUMBING.

YEAH.

YOU CAN'T SEE IT, BUT I'M SHOWING YOU A FINGER.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT.

NO, NO, NO!

SO, YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY.

YOU MUST REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T BLAME YOU.

JOHNNY... JOHNNY, WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS?

LIKE WHAT?

SIMPLE?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT WAS A GOOD THING?

HMM... JOHNNY CONFUSED.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT YOU TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY

AND ADMIT YOU'RE A SNOB.

BUT I'M NOT!

FINE... HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

JOHNNY, I'M NOT!

I'M NOT!

I IMAGINE YOU MUST BE PRETTY HUNGRY, TOO.

OH, DELICIOUS!

I WAS JUST A ONE-NIGHT STAND BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?

YOU USED ME!

NO, PETE, IT WAS MORE THAN THAT.

LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN,

BUT IT'S JUST THERE WAS THIS FEELING BETWEEN US.

COULD IT BE DESCRIBED AS A "CONNECTION?"

YES.

ALL RIGHT. SO I'M NOT OUT OF MY MIND.

NOT AT ALL.

I JUST COULDN'T GIVE YOU MY NUMBER BECAUSE, WELL,

MY FIANCé IS A LITTLE PARANOID.

IMAGINE THAT.

HEY, GUYS!

SHE DIDN'T BLOW ME OFF!

SHE WAS JUST CHEATING ON HER FIANCé!

WOW, COCO VOCE...

NOT MY STYLE, BUT STILL VERY NICE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVE IT HERE.

IT'S THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT.

I JUST WISH THE LINES TO THE MIRROR WEREN'T SO LONG.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS SEE HOW THE BACK LOOKS.

THE WOMAN SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE UP TO A 4-HOUR WAIT.

THERE IS A LOT OF HOT BRIDES IN HERE.

HEY, YOU KNOW...

WE'RE ROUGHLY THE SAME SIZE.

WHY DON'T I TRY ON YOURS AND YOU TRY ON MINE?

THEN WE CAN SEE THE BACKS.

THAT IS SO THOUGHTFUL.

NOT IF SHE STEALS IT.

OH, HONEY!

AND THE ONLY THING MORE WRONG THAN WHAT I SAID

WAS NOT ADMITTING HOW WRONG I WAS

TO HAVE SAID IT.

KEEP GOING.

AND SO, NOT ONLY DO I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY,

BUT ALL PEOPLE LIKE YOU, AND IF YOU'D LIKE,

I WILL GO ON THE HOME-SHOPPING CHANNEL

AND APOLOGIZE TO THEM PERSONALLY.

OR YOU COULD JUST CHEW YOUR ARM OFF

LIKE THE COYOTES DO.

WELL, JOHNNY, I CANNOT WIN WITH YOU.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY DOING THIS TO TORTURE ME!

YOU JUST CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE.

HASN'T ANYONE EVER MADE YOU FEEL STUPID?

NO.

HOW MANY YEARS OF SCHOOL HAVE YOU HAD?

A YEAR OF PREP SCHOOL, FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE,

AND THREE YEARS OF MED SCHOOL.

AND YET, YOU WERE GOING TO DIE IN A SINK.

JOHNNY, THAT'S NOT GONNA...

OH.

WELCOME TO STUPID.

JOHNNY, I AM SO SORRY.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

NOW I'LL FINISH THIS UP FOR YOU.

YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.

THANKS.

I AM GONNA GO WASH UP,

AND, UM, IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE DONE

BEFORE I GET BACK,

THEN HERE IS JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING

FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

OH, GOD! I DID IT AGAIN!

THAT'S OKAY.

SEE, NOW, A DUMB GUY WOULD GIVE THAT BACK.

TAKE IT OFF!

NO, IT'S MINE! MINE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S A LONG STORY,

BUT IT'S GIVEN ME A GREAT IDEA FOR A PAY-PER-VIEW SPECIAL.

COME ANY CLOSER AND I'LL RIP IT!

THEN NOBODY GETS IT!

YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON!

I TRUSTED YOU, AND YOU BLATANTLY LIED TO ME.

THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

JUST GIVE THE DRESS BACK.

NO!

MY WEDDING WILL BE RUINED IF I DON'T HAVE THIS DRESS.

PLEASE... PLEASE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MY HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON THIS.

IF THE SANCTITY OF YOUR MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON A LOUSY GOWN,

I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND THE MAN YOU'RE GONNA MARRY.

SO I CAN KEEP IT?

MM-HMM.

AND EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT IT,

I HOPE YOU REMEMBER HOW LOW YOU SUNK TO GET IT.

AND I'M TAKING YOUR CLOTHES.

SHAR... LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANTED.

YEAH.

I FEEL REALLY LUCKY.

ALL RIGHT.

SHARON, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE CALLING A LOT OF ATTENTION TO US.

LOOK!

SHE'S THE PRETTIEST BRIDE ON THE SUBWAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GETTING MARRIED.

JUST LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

NAH, DON'T BE.

YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T ALL WORK OUT.

HOW DO YOU STAY SO POSITIVE?

YOU ONLY GO AROUND IN THIS WORLD ONCE, BERG,

AND I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER...

FIANCé OR NOT...

I GOT ME SOME LOVIN' LAST NIGHT!

I DID, TOO, BUT I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

COME ON... STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.

ASHLEY WILL GET OVER YOU.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M PRETTY SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'LL HAPPEN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE SHE'LL EVEN LEARN A LESSON.

STAY AWAY FROM THE SPECIAL ONES.

THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

I'M CHANGING THE WORLD ONE GIRL AT A TIME.

HEY, SHAR.

SHAR, THERE'S A SEAT OVER HERE.

YOU GUYS ARE SUCH GENTLEMEN.

SO, YOU READY TO TALK YET?

THAT WOMAN WAS RIGHT.

NO, SHE WASN'T.

YES, SHE WAS!

I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

WHAT DOES MY HAPPINESS WITH JOHNNY

HAVE TO DO WITH THIS LOUSY DRESS?

HEY, THE DRESS IS GONNA MAKE THE WEDDING.

DID I ACTUALLY SAY THAT?

GOD, WHEN DID MY VALUES GET SO OUT OF WHACK?

I DIDN'T USED TO BE LIKE THIS.

I-I-I WANTED SIMPLER THINGS.

WELL... YOU HAVE JOHNNY.

REMEMBER HOW I USED TO BE IN COLLEGE?

I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOKED OR WHAT I WORE.

I CARED ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTERED.

I MISS THAT PERSON.

I LIKED THAT PERSON.

LOOK, SHAR...

WHOEVER YOU DECIDE TO BE, WE'RE STILL GONNA BE HERE.

YEAH, NO MATTER WHAT.

THANKS, GUYS.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BY THE WAY... YOU SAT IN SOME GUM.

YEAH, WE DON'T NEED TO RELEASE DOVES.

DOVES ARE TOO EXPENSIVE.

PIGEONS WILL BE JUST FINE. OKAY.

NO LIMO... WE'LL JUST GRAB A CAB.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

AND WE DON'T NEED TO BUY OUR OWN FLOWERS.

MAYBE WE'LL LUCK OUT,

AND THE CHURCH WILL HAVE A FUNERAL RIGHT BEFORE US.

THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME.

WOW!

THAT WAS SOME SALE!