Original subtitles

HEY, EVERYBODY, MAKE WAY! MAN DOWN!

Sharon: WHAT HAPPENED?

TWISTED MY KNEE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM,

CHAIRMAN MEOW WOULD STILL BE IN THE RAIN GUTTER.

IT'S ALL JUST PART OF THE JOB, MA'AM.

GET THAT AWAY FROM ME. I'M ALLERGIC.

SEE, LOOK, A HIVE.

I GOT A HAIR IN MY THROAT.

WELL, CHAIRMAN MEOW HAS HAD A HARD DAY.

I'M GOING TO PUT KAHLúA IN HIS MILK,

AND A LITTLE NIP FOR MOMMY.

OKAY, OKAY, LET'S JUST GET YOU COMFORTABLE.

THANK YOU.

OH, BABY!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YES. I JUST HATE THIS RED THING.

WHAT ARE YOU? YOU'RE NOT EVEN A COUCH!

AHH... HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

THANK YOU, LORD.

IT'S A CLOSET!

WHOA. WHAT IS THAT?

HELLO.

HA HA.

LOOK, THERE'S MRS. ABERNATHY.

HEY, THERE'S BERG AND PETE.

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS IT?

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S IRENE'S APARTMENT.

THE OLD SUPER HAD THIS WHOLE BUILDING

UNDER SURVEILLANCE.

LOOK, THERE'S US.

AAH!

OH, MY GOD.

HE HAD A MONITOR IN HIS OWN APARTMENT?

THAT IS JUST VAIN.

SHOULD I GET MORE BANGS?

THERE'S ASHLEY.

OHH... SHE'S CRYING.

THERE'S BERG MAKING A PHONE CALL.

LOOK, HE CALLED ASHLEY.

AND HUNG UP!

OH, ASHLEY'S STAR-69'ing.

OH, HE'S BUSTED.

OH, NICE SAVE.

JOHNNY, CLEARLY THESE TWO PEOPLE

MISS EACH OTHER,

AND THEY'RE JUST TOO PROUD TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

HA HA.

HONEY, I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD INTERFERE.

IF GOD DID NOT WANT ME TO INTERFERE,

THEN WHY DID HE SEND ME THESE MONITORS

AND KNOCK YOU OFF A ROOF?

HEY, BERG, I'M THE SUBSTITUTE SUPER.

ALL THE WORK, NONE OF THE BUTT CRACK.

CAME TO FIX YOUR SINK.

IT'S NOT BROKEN.

BERG, PLEASE, WHO'S WEARING THE HAMMER...

HOLDER?

OKAY, YOU'RE THE SUPER.

BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY SUPER? ASHLEY.

OOPS.

YEAH, YOU SEE, YOU DO HAVE A LEAK.

MAN, WHAT IS WITH ME LATELY?

I KEEP MISPLACING STUFF...

MY SUNGLASSES, MY PATRIOTS HAT.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY PUKKA SHELLS?

HEY, HEY. PETE, EASE UP.

CAN'T YOU SEE THE MAN'S LONELY?

WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ASHLEY?

SHE'S UPSTAIRS FEELING LONELY, TOO.

REALLY?

BERG, FORGET ASHLEY. THERE'S THIS GIRL AT WORK

I COULD SET YOU UP WITH. SHE'S A BODY MODEL.

THEY USE PARTS OF HER BODY IN MOVIES.

IS SHE PRETTY?

I DON'T KNOW.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

OBVIOUSLY THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER OUT?

OH, YEAH, AND MAKE EVERYONE

SIT THROUGH ANOTHER SEXUAL HARASSMENT LECTURE?

ALL RIGHT. GET ME HER NUMBER.

HELLO.

YEAH. YEAH, OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.

JOHNNY SAID YOU'RE GOING TO NEED CAULKING.

OH, OH, OH.

OKAY, THANK YOU...

IS WHAT I'LL TELL HIM WHEN I SEE HIM.

HEY, FRAIDY-CAT.

I'M ALLERGIC.

ALLERGIC TO COURAGE.

HA HA HA.

THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNIER?

I SET BERG UP ON A DATE.

WELL, I GUESS THOSE WHO CAN'T, SET UP.

ASHLEY, WHEN YOU SMIRK LIKE THAT,

YOU CAN SEE THE LITTLE WEB OF WRINKLES

AROUND YOUR EYES.

OH, I KNEW IT WAS YOU. YOU KNOW HOW?

EVERY TIME YOU KNOCK ON THE DOOR,

THE CATS RUN TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE APARTMENT.

WELL, AREN'T THEY SMARTER THAN THEIR OWNER.

HE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TELL,

BUT PETE IS SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WELL, THEN WHY DOES HE ALWAYS AVOID ME?

WELL, PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S SHY,

BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.

I KNEW IT.

WELL, I'LL GET THAT LITTLE ALMOND

OUT OF HIS SHELL.

HEY, SHARON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, JUST SPREADING LOVE AND CAULKING.

YOU SEEM DOWN.

OH, YEAH. PETE JUST TOLD ME

THAT HE SET BERG UP ON A DATE.

IT UPSET ME MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER.

HE MISSES YOU.

THAT'S WHY HE KEEPS CALLING AND HANGING UP.

HE'S ONLY GOING ON THAT DATE TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.

GOD, WHAT A JERK. YOU GOT TO BE A BIGGER JERK.

I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, I KNOW YOU CAN.

JUST BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH.

FIND A DATE OF YOUR OWN.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

I COULDN'T SEE ASHLEY'S REACTION.

THE CAMERA LOVES YOU.

STOP IT. HA HA.

OKAY, I TOLD ASHLEY ABOUT BERG'S DATE

WITH THE BODY PARTS MODEL AND SAID

SHE SHOULD JUST GRAB ANY GUY.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THEM TO GET TOGETHER.

BABY, BABY, BABY, NOTHING IGNITES TRUE LOVE

MORE THAN JEALOUSY AND INSECURITY.

NICE WORK, CUPID.

OOH, LOOK, IRENE TOOK A HIT OF WHIPPED CREAM.

SHE'S ON THE MOVE.

Sharon: HEY, HEY!

IRENE'S BREAKING IN TO PETE AND BERG'S.

Johnny: HEY, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

YEAH, I'LL MAKE POPCORN.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

OH, MY GOD.

SO SHE'S THE ONE THAT'S TAKING PETE'S STUFF.

PETE'S COMING BACK.

Both: BEHIND THE COUNTER!

OH! YEAH!

THAT IS SO WEIRD.

HE JUST BITES AN APPLE

AND LEAVES IT ON THE COUNTER.

NO, IRENE... WHAT IS SHE DOING?

♪ WITCHCRAFT ♪

♪ WICKED WITCHCRAFT ♪

THERE'S SOMETHING IN THAT CHAIR.

I CAN'T QUITE MAKE IT OUT.

♪ WHEN YOU AROUSE THE NEED IN ME ♪

♪ MY HEART SAYS YES, INDEED IN ME ♪

WE'RE NOT TURNING OFF THESE MONITORS.

HONEY, YOU COULD TAKE THE TOOL BELT OFF NOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I KIND OF LIKE IT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

BERG AND THE BODY DOUBLE

ARE GETTING COMFORTABLE ON THE COUCH.

AND OF COURSE, NOW I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

HOLLYWOOD IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS.

PEOPLE THINK OF YOU AS JUST A BODY.

YOU'RE A BODY DOUBLE.

I AM AN ACTRESS

WHO HAPPENS TO ACT WITHOUT HER FACE...

OR WORDS, WHO WITHOUT ME A CERTAIN STAR

WOULD HAVE HAD TO SHOW HER OWN ARMPIT

IN "G.I. JANE."

DO YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT?

NO, I DIDN'T NOTICE ANY OF THE ACTORS.

I WAS SO MESMERIZED BY THAT ARMPIT.

I LIKE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

BERG'S GETTING BACK IN THE SADDLE.

I MEAN, WHAT A WHORE.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

GO, GO, GO, GO.

UH, YEAH. COMING.

HEY. HEY, LOOK AT THIS CUT-AND-PASTE NOTE I GOT.

IT SAYS IRENE'S BEEN TAKING MY STUFF.

WHY IS YOUR COUCH FACING THE WALL?

OH, JOHNNY WAS ENTERTAINING ME

WITH HIS SHADOW PUPPETS.

THAT'S A BUNNY.

SO IRENE'S TAKING YOUR STUFF.

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED, HUH?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I WAS GOING TO GO OVER THERE AND ASK FOR IT BACK, BUT...

ASK FOR IT BACK, BUT I THOUGHT,

WHAT IF THIS IS JUST A PRACTICAL JOKE?

IT'S NO JOKE.

AND IF IT IS, I DON'T GET IT.

HEY, YOU DIDN'T GET IT FROM ME,

BUT THIS IS IRENE'S KEY, AND SHE'S NOT HOME,

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK IN THERE AND GET YOUR STUFF?

I CAN'T GO OVER THERE. I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.

THEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH.

MR. RUSSELL ON THE THIRD FLOOR HAS SCUBA EQUIPMENT.

YEAH, AND HE'S NOT USING IT RIGHT NOW.

HE'S JUST SITTING AROUND EATING CHICKEN.

I BET.

LOVES CHICKEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT SEPARATES ME

FROM FIVE OTHER TOP SURGEONS IN BOSTON?

THEY'RE INTERESTING?

NO.

I SHUFFLE.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A SURGEON,

IT'S IMPORTANT TO MAINTAIN YOUR DEXTERITY.

THIS IS WHY I DABBLE IN MAGIC.

PICK A CARD.

UH, NO, NOT THAT ONE.

UNH-UNH.

NOPE, TRY AGAIN.

OKAY, HOUDINI, TIME TO DISAPPEAR.

NO! ASHLEY'S KICKING HIM OUT ALREADY?

YEAH, WELL, NOVELTY ACTS GET NO RESPECT.

YEAH, BUT BERG'S SCORING.

I'M GOING TO GO MEDDLE.

OKAY, HONEY.

GOOD LUCK.

IT'S NICE OF YOU TO WALK ME DOWN.

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE

THAT YOU ARE SAFELY OUT OF THE BUILDING.

WELL, HELLO, BERGEN.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE MASTER OF ILLUSION.

BERG.

BERG?

MMM.

YES, WELL, I WAS JUST SHOWING DR. ZWAL... ZVA...

ZWANEVELD.

IT'S JUST LIKE WANEVELD, BUT WITH A "Z."

RIGHT. WELL, I WAS JUST SHOWING HIM

TO MY APARTMENT FOR A NIGHTCAP.

COME ON, HOWIE, LET'S GO MAKE SOME MAGIC.

ALL RIGHT, BUT I USUALLY WORK ALONE.

WHO WAS THAT?

NO ONE.

MMM. SHE HAD PERKY BREASTS.

YEAH. LISTEN, TINA,

I'M NOT FEELING TOO WELL, OKAY?

SO MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT.

OH.

I, UH, THINK I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

LOOK, IT'S NOT...

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO ME.

I AM AN ACTRESS.

I OBSERVE PEOPLE FOR A LIVING.

MY CELEBRITY INTIMIDATES YOU, DOESN'T IT?

WOW. THEN YOU MUST ALSO BE ABLE TO SENSE

MY OVERWHELMING RESPECT FOR YOU.

WELL, THAT WAS QUITE A CHANGE OF HEART.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS ONE.

KEEP YOUR COAT ON.

OKAY, LET'S SAY THAT THIS WERE A MAGIC SHOW,

AND YOU NEEDED TO VANISH,

BUT YOU COULDN'T USE THE FRONT DOOR.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

USE THE FIRE ESCAPE.

TA-DA!

THAT REMINDS ME...

I MEANT TO FIX THAT FIRE ESCAPE.

HEY, BERG.

HEY, PETE.

Dr. Zwaneveld: BERGEN!

BERGEN!

BERGEN!

BERGEN... UP HERE.

DID YOU JUST APPEAR THERE?

YOU'RE GETTING GOOD.

AAH!

IT'S OVER THERE. OVER THERE.

TURN RIGHT.

GO TOWARDS THE CHAIR, MAN!

WARMER.

IT'S BACK HERE, YOU BLIND ICEBERG!

WHAT THE... DID YOU FEEL THAT?

OH, THE SINK IS... IT'S STILL LEAKING.

HONEY, I TOLD YOU TO CAULK.

YES, BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME WHAT CAULK WAS.

RUN UP THERE AND PUT A BUCKET UNDER THEIR SINK

BEFORE IT FLOODS OUR WHOLE APARTMENT.

NO. NO. NO, NO.

WHO IS IT?

BERG.

I HAVE COMPANY!

YEAH, AND HE JUST JUMPED INTO MY ARMS

OFF THE FIRE ESCAPE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DATE?

DID HER ELBOW GET AN AUDITION?

IRENE?

SHARON TOLD ME YOU WERE MISERABLE.

SHARON TOLD ME YOU ONLY WENT OUT

WITH THAT BODY MODEL TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

SHE SEEMS TO BE A LITTLE BIT TOO INVOLVED

AND TO KNOW A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN SHE'S SUPPOSED TO.

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

OH, IRENE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH. NO.

AHH. AHH! PETE... PETE!

PETE!

OKAY, I BET THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO COME OFF.

Pete: LEAVE A MESSAGE.

Berg: BEEP!

NO, WAIT, THAT WASN'T IT. OKAY, NOW LEAVE A MESSAGE.

BEEP!

OKAY, THIS NEXT ONE FOR SURE.

Johnny: Okay, wait, was that...

Damn it, you guys, you're idiots!

Sharon, if you're there, pick up.

Pick up!

WHAT? IT JUST FELL OFF.

Quick... get over to Irene's apartment.

Pete is in trouble.

He's being snuggled to death by cats!

Berg: HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE!

SHARON, WHAT IS GOING ON?

IT WAS YOU WHO KNOCKED ON MY DOOR, WASN'T IT?

I'D LOVE TO CHAT, BUT PETE'S DYING.

PETE?

OH, MY GOD, HIS ALLERGIES.

ASHLEY, GET HIM SOME WATER.

OH, MY GOD!

WOW, A PETE DUMMY... HOW REDUNDANT.

PETE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

FOR A MINUTE THERE, I THOUGHT I WAS A GONER.

WELL, YOU'RE SAFE NOW.

AAH!

WHAT'S GOING ON? ALL MY CATS HAVE ESCAPED.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?

ARE YOU CERTIFIABLY INSANE?

UH, IRENE... OKAY, GOT ME THERE.

HEY.

HEY.

PETE'S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.

HE'S IN THE BATHTUB

WASHING ALL THE CAT FUR OFF OF HIM

AND PLAYING DEEP-SEA DIVER.

HEY, I'M SORRY I MESSED THINGS UP

FOR YOU WITH YOUR DATE.

THAT'S OKAY. IT WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

I JUST WANTED TO BE WITH SOMEONE.

SO YOU DID MISS ME.

NOT REALLY.

LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE THIS BIG UGLY COUCH

IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR LIVING ROOM,

AND YOU JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET RID OF IT.

THEN WHEN YOU FINALLY THROW IT OUT,

YOU GOT THIS EMPTY SPACE WHERE THAT STUPID,

INSENSITIVE, SELF-ABSORBED COUCH USED TO BE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND DECORATING.

LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY

FOR EITHER ONE OF US,

BUT ULTIMATELY, IT'S BETTER TO BE ALONE

THAN TO BE WITH SOMEBODY WHO'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

I AGREE. I AGREE.

YOU KNOW, ASH, UM,

YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST FINE WITHOUT A COUCH.

THANK YOU, BERG.

WHAT YOU NEED IS SOMETHING TO WALK ALL OVER,

LIKE A RUG.

THAT'S TYPICAL COUCH TALK.

LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

WELL, I TRIED.

SO, WHAT WAS IN THAT CHAIR IN IRENE'S APARTMENT?

OOH, IT WAS A VOODOO SHRINE TO PETE.

SOME PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE SO EMPTY AND SAD.

YEAH, THEY DON'T HAVE WHAT WE HAVE...

MONITORS.

LET'S GO WATCH THE FREAKS!

HONEY, WAKE UP.

OH... HEY, WHAT DID I MISS?

NOBODY'S HOME.

WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?

Ashley: AHEM.

HEY, KIDS.

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TALK TO US ABOUT?

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