Original subtitles

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

I THINK THIS BASEMENT'SREALLY COMIN' TOGETHER.

I MEAN, IT TOOK A LITTLE GETTIN' USED TO,

BUT I THINK IT'S KIND OF HOMEY.

YEAH.

OH, OH, OH!

AND MAYBE LATER,

THE GUARDS WILL GIVE US A HALF-HOUR IN THE YARD!

HEY, GUYS,

IF ALL THIS Y2K HYSTERIA TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE,

OUR NEIGHBORHOOD HAS AN OLD BOMB SHELTER.

HEY, HEY, HEY, LET ME GUESS... I'M CLEANIN' IT!

WHAT'S GOING ON FOR NEW YEAR'S?

SHARON WON'T TELL METHE DETAILS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M PLANNING A VERY INTIMATE, ROMANTIC DINNER.

SO, WHAT, 8:00, NO JEANS?

SORRY, PETE.

JOHNNY AND I DISCUSSED IT,

AND AS MUCH AS WE LOVE OUR FRIENDS,

I WANT TO SPEND THE LAST NIGHT OF THE CENTURY

IN THE ARMS OF THE MAN I LOVE.

MMM.

WERE THESE IN THE TOILET?

HELLO, HELLO.

HEY, ASH. WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN HERE?

CLOVEN HOOVES.

AH, PETE...

THE REASON PEOPLENO LONGER BUY MISTLE TOE.

SO, GUYS, IF YOU DON'T HAVE PLANS,

I AM HAVING A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.

NOTHING HUGE, JUST A FEW FRIENDS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET,

BUT JOHNNY AND I ARE GONNA SPEND IT TOGETHER.

PETE?

WAIT A MINUTE, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...

YOU ARE ME INVITING TO YOUR PARTY?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FILL ME WITH CANDY

AND WHACK ME WITH A STICK, ARE YOU?

NO, IT'S THE NEW YEAR,

AND MY RESOLUTION IS TO BE A MORE COMPASSIONATE PERSON

AND GET ALONG WITH THOSE AROUND ME.

OH, MY GOD, THE WORLD REALLY IS GONNA END!

HELLO, BERG.

HEY, ASHLEY, HOW YA DO... WHAT'S THAT SMILE ABOUT?

WHAT DID YOU DO TO PETE?

NOTHING.

LOOK, IT'S THE NEW YEAR, SO...

WHY DON'T WE JUST WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN

AND TRY AND BE KIND AND FRIENDLY TO EACH OTHER?

CAN WE DO THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT, ASH?

I'D LOVE TO BE FRIENDS.

GREAT. WELL, I AM HAVING A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.

JUST SOME PEOPLE,

CHEAP CHAMPAGNE, KARAOKE, AND YOU, IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME.

SOUNDS GREAT, BUT I CAN'T. I'M ON DUTY.

YES!

SORRY, THAT WAS JUST A HOLD OVER FROM 1999.

HELLO, DR. WALKER.

OH!

HI, DR. VAMESSEY!

SO, WHAT DID YOU... WHAT DID YOU DO FOR CHRISTMAS?

I WORKED.

YES, I SPENT THE HOLIEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR

TREATING A WISE MAN WHO ATTACHED HIS BEARD WITH CRAZY GLUE.

WHAT YOU DID DO?

OH, I, UM, I WENT HOME TO VISIT MY FAMILY.

THAT SOUNDS NICE.

WELL, GREAT, NEXT YEAR I'LL SEND YOU.

SO, UM, SO, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR NEW YEAR'S?

NOTHING. I PUT MY NAME ON THE LIST FOR E.R.

OH, HEY, HEY! YOU SHOULD COME TO MY PARTY.

I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING MUCH, BUT, YOU KNOW,

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU OUT OF YOUR SCRUBS.

I-I MEAN... I MEAN I-I-IN OTHER CLOTHES...

I-I-IN NORMAL CLOTHES.

JUST... JUST COME.

PETE! WHAT A TREAT!

I WAS EXPECTING PIZZA,

BUT HERE'S SOMETHING EVEN MORE DE-LICIOUS.

LISTEN, UM...

IRENE, I-I WANT TO DO SOMETHIN' NICE,

BUT, HONESTLY, I'M AFRAID.

OH... OH, PETE DUNVILLE,

THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID OF IS KRYPTONITE.

RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, UM, THERE'S THIS PARTY UPSTAIRS,

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT,

SO I WAS WONDERIN' IF YOU'D LIKE TO...

BE YOUR DATE!

NOT MY DATE.

NOT MY DATE,

BUT IF YOU WANTED TO COME WITH ME, AND...

AND KISS YOU AT MIDNIGHT.

NO, SEE, THAT'S THE THING I'M AFRAID OF.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IRENE,

I DON'T WANT YOU LEFT OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, OKAY?

SO, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME WITH ME TO ASHLEY'S PARTY,

PROVIDED... CALM DOWN.

PROVIDED YOU CAN ACT LIKE NORMAL PERSONA

FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

OH, PETE DUNVILLE,

I AM ON CLOUD 99 THAT YOU ARE ASKING ME

TO BE YOUR ESCORT ON THE EVE OF A NEW AND GRAND ERA!

I AM NOT ONLY HONORED...

I'M UP TO THE TASK!

OKAY, RIGHT THERE. NONE OF THAT.

OKEY-DOKEY, ARTICHOKEY.

AND NO RHYMING. CAN DO.

OH, KITTY BUM-BUM WAS HAVING A PARTY FOR THE REST OF THE CATS.

OH, WELL, I'LL JUST SLIP OUT QUIETLY.

REMEMBER THE BUZZWORD... "NORMAL."

MR. GOULET.

YES.

OH, MY GOD, IT IS YOU.

YOU SOUND SURPRISED.

HAVE YOU BEEN MISPLACING PATIENTS?

NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE'VE HAD FOUR TOM JONESES THIS MONTH,

AND NOT ONE OF THEM HAVE PANNED OUT.

SO, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE?

THE MAGAZINES HERE SUCK.

OH, THAT'S A CHILDREN'S MAGAZINE.

I KNOW. IT SUCKS.

HEY, THAT'S MY MAGAZINE!

SHE'LL MAKE A GREAT EX-WIFE SOMEDAY.

MR. GOULET, WE KNOW YOU DIDN'T COME HERE FOR THE MAGAZINES.

YEAH, I'VE HAD AN EARACHE THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS,

AND LAST NIGHT ON THE STAGE, I FELT A LITTLE DIZZY.

WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK, SHALL WE?

OKAY, SAY "AH."

♪ AH ♪

WELL, I'M NOT SURE, BUTI'LL CHECK WITH MY ATTENDING.

IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE AN INNER-EAR INFECTION.

THEY'RE GONNA GIVE YO SOME DROPS.

YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO KEEP IT WARM, AND NO FLYING.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING, DOC.

I'M ON A FLIGHT TO LAS VEGAS TONIGHT.

I'M PERFORMING NEW YEAR'S EVE.

DOC, WE HAVE A SUPERSTITION IN MY BUSINESS...

YOU TO PERFORM NEW YEAR'S EVE HAVE

OR ELSE YOU'RE THROUGH.

WELL, IF YOU JUST WANT TO SING, YOU KNOW...

MY FRIEND'S HAVING A PARTY.

WOULD IT BE AT A CASINO WITH A 200-FOOT STAGE

AND 60 TOPLESS DANCERS?

NO.

IT WOULD BE IN A SMALL APARTMENT

WITH BORING PEOPLE AND A KARAOKE MACHINE.

REALLY?!

I LOVE KARAOKE!

WOW. THE BATHROOM IS SO LUXURIOUS TO ME NOW.

IT HAS A DOOR AND EVERYTHING.

I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAD A DAY AT THE SPA.

COME IN!

HEY, IS BERG HERE? HE ASKED ME TO STOP BY.

NOT YET. I'M BRINGIN'SOMEONE TO THE PARTY.

IS THAT OKAY?

SURE, IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO PAY HER

ALL THE WAY THROUGH MIDNIGHT.

HE'S TAKIN' IRENE.

I BET SHE WEARS A DIAPER AND COMES AS BABY NEW YEAR.

N-N-N-NO, IT'LL BE SOMETHING MORE SUBTLE.

SHE'LL PROBABLY BATHE HERSELF IN URINE,

PUT CHEWING GUM ON HER HEAD, AND COME AS TIMES SQUARE.

COME ON.

SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WOULD SHE?

I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

I MEAN, UNLESS ONE OF HER CATS TALKS HER OUT OF IT.

HELLO, PEOPLE.

HEY, BERG, I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU COULDN'T LEAVE IT ON MY MACHINE?

I TALKED ONE OF MY PATIENTS INTO COMING TO YOUR PARTY.

HE'S AGREED TO ENTERTAIN. YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.

IT'S ROBERT GOULET.

ROBERT GOULET?

ROBERTO GOULET!

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

WE GET TO SPEND NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH ROBERT GOULET!

IN THE BUILDING,

WHILE WE'RE DOWN IN THE BASEMENT HAVIN' OUR SPECIAL EVENING!

WOULD YOU RATHER SEE ROBERT GOULET

THAN SPEND TIME ALONE WITH ME?

IF YOU DO.

I DON'T. THEN NEITHER DO I.

HEY, I GET TO COME TO THE PARTY AFTER ALL.

OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW... I HAVE A DATE.

OH, IT WON'T BOTHER ME.

I MEAN, I'M BRINGIN' BOBBY GOULET.

HOOO! HOW'D YOU GET OFF WORK?

OH, I TRADED SHIFTS WITH THAT BRITISH GUY,

DR. VAMESSEY.

WHAT?! YOU JERK!

WHAT DID I DO?

YOU SAW ME INVITING DR. VAMESSEY,

AND THEN YOU SWITCHED WITH HIM!

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO EACH OTHER,

AND YOU COULDN'T EVEN LAST ONE DAY!

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG,

YOU'VE MANAGED TO RUIN TWO CENTURIES FOR ME!

I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW!

OH, MY GOD.

I SEEN HAVE GUM IN IRENE'S HAIR.

NOPE. NOPE.

HEY... EVEN THE TELETUBBIES HAVE A NEW YEAR'S SPECIA.

BERG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET IN THE SHOWER AND GET DRESSED.

IF I GO TO THE PARTY,

ASHLEY AND I ARE JUST GONNA TAKE SHOTS AT EACH OTHER.

I'M NOT GONNA START THE NEW YEAR WITH THE SAME BAD PATTERNS.

WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT GOING, I'M NOT GOING.

AS YOUR BEST FRIEND, MY PLACE IS RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.

SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT IRENE?

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

AW, GOD, BERG,

I'M NOT CUT OUTTO BE A GOOD PERSON.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY THE LORD GAVE US GOOD LOOKS.

THAT'S HER. WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW, M-MAKE UP AN EXCUSE OKAY.

OH, BERG, MAKE IT BELIEVABLE.

AND DON'T HURT HER FEELINGS.

WAIT, BERG!

MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.

HEY, PETE. HIDE.

IRENE... GOOD EVENING, BERG.

IS PETER READY?

DAMN.

PETE?

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

YOU SURE?

PRETTY SURE.

WHOO...

BERG... HOW LONG WAS I UNCONSCIOUS?

WOW!

IRENE, I-IS THAT YOU?

YOU... YOU LOOK AMAZING.

OH, KITTY BUM-BUM SAID THE SAME THING.

OKAY, IT'S YOU.

THANKS. SHALL WE GO?

YEAH.

BERG... GO! GO!

HAVE FUN. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

YOU SURE?

YEAH, I'LL BE FINE.I'M GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA CRASH KITTY BUM-BUM'S PARTY.

UH-OH!

GOOD EVENING.

IRENE?

WOW, YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH YOUR...

SELF.

WELL, YES, AND I HAVE A DATE FOR NEW YEAR'S.

AND YOU?

HELLO, IRENE!

EXCUSE ME, IS THIS, UH, IS THIS THE PARTY?

OH, YES, IT IS.

OH, PLEASE, MR. GOULET, COME IN.

I'VE HAD MORE PEOPLE IN MY BATHTUB.

OH... GOSH, I-I'M SORRY THE PARTY'S SO SMALL.

NO, NO, NO, THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME...

5 PEOPLE OR 5,000.

LET'S CRANK UP THAT OLD KARAOKE MACHINE,

'CAUSE YOUR DADDY IS READY TO SING.

SHARON... I CAN HEAR HIM!

I CAN'T BELIEVE ROBERT GOULET IS SINGIN' IN MY PIPES!

Sharon: THAT'S GREAT, BABY!

ARE YOU READY FOR SURPRISE NUMBER ONE?!

UH-HUH. SURE, HONEY.

HEY!

TRYING TO BE SEXY HERE

AND DOING A GREAT JOB, HONEY.

AH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

OH, OH, MRS. OLSEN, I'M SORRY

ARE WE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE?

ROBERT GOULET IS NOT NOISE, YOUNG LADY.

GOULET AND I ON A TOUR BUS, THAT'S NOISE.

HEY, BOB!

REMEMBER ME?

HEY, ASH, THIS PARTY'S TURNING OUT TO BE PRETTY GOOD.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE, AND I DON'T HAVE A DATE.

ANY OPPORTUNITY HE CAN FIND TO MAKE ME MISERABLE,

HE TAKES IT.

AWW. YOU'RE RUNNIN' LOW ON BEER.

HEY, I HAVE YOUR PUNCH, IRENE.

IRENE?

OH, I'M SORRY, PETE.

THERE IS JUST SOMETHING HYPNOTIC ABOUT THIS MUSIC MAN.

OH, HE TOUCHES THE WOMAN INSIDE OF ME.

HIS WORDS SPEAK TO MY SOUL.

HE JUST SANG "CARWASH."

NOT NOW, PETE. I'M STILL FEELING GOULET.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

WERE YOU JUST IN APARTMENT "E"? DID YOU SEE MR. GOULET?

YES, AND I'M COMIN' RIGHT BACK.

IT AIN'T GOULET WITHOUT A JACK AND SEVEN.

JOHNNY!

HEY, KEEP IT DOWN, GOULET!

WE'RE TRYIN' TO HAVEA ROMANTIC EVENING DOWN HERE!

YOU'RE OUT HERE TRYING TO LISTEN TO ROBERT GOULET.

WHAT IS WITH YOU AND ROBERT GOULET?!

YOU'RE LIKE A FREAK FOR ROBERT GOULET!

OKAY, OKAY, LOOK,

MY GRANDFATHER USED TO PLAY ALL THE TIME HIS RECORDS

AND HE WOULD SING ALONG AND I'D FALL ASLEEP ON HIS LAP.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE?

I NEVER FELT SO SAFE... AND SO LOVED.

AND SOMEHOW, HEARING ROBERT GOULET SING,

IT JUST... BRINGS MY GRANDFATHER A LITTLE BIT CLOSER.

YOUR GRANDFATHER MOVED TO FLORIDA

WITH HIS HOME HEALTHCARE WORKER.

OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

I'M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK RIGHT NOW.

UH, DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESSES.

MR. GOULET, I WAS A WAITRESS ONCE.

DO YOU HAVE A TIP FOR ME?

YES. WATCH OUT FOR OLDER MEN.

OH, MR. GOULET!

CALL ME BOB GOULET.

OH, IT IS YOU!

EXCUSE ME?

WE TAKE THE SAME TRAIN.

YOU SMILED AT ME ONCE, BUT I WAS TOO SHY TO SAY "HI."

BUT I MADE THE RESOLUTION

TO NOT LET OPPORTUNITIES SLIP AWAY.

OH, THAT'S NICE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME? I HAVE TO SLIP AWAY

I DON'T REALLY MISS THE AUDIENCES THAT MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY MISS?

AND I DON'T SHARE THIS WITH EVERYONE...

I AM YOUR SAFE HARBOR, BOB GOULET.

I REALLY MISS MY CATS.

ALL SEVEN OF THEM.

OH, GOODY.

BETWEEN US, WE HAVE ALMOST 50 CATS!

OKAY.

YOU'RE NOT, UH, MOVING IN ON MY DATE,

ARE YOU, MR. GOULET?

YES, I AM.

OH! HEY!

DR. VAMESSEY.

UM, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

ABOUT 20 MINUTES. GREAT PARTY!

I CAME AS SOON AS I FOUND OUT ROBERT GOULET WAS HERE!

WOW. WHO TOLD YOU?

BERGEN. HE SHOWED UP AT THE HOSPITAL,

INSISTED ON TAKING MY SHIFT.

REALLY?

YEAH. HE REALLY IS A GREAT GUY

YEAH. YEAH, SOMETIMES HE, UM, SURPRISES YOU.

SO, HEY, ARE YOU GONNA STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE?

ABSOLUTELY.

GOULET AND I ARE ON THE LIST

TO SING THE TOMATO, "TOMAHTO" SONG.

NOW, THE NEXT TIME WE OPEN A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE,

WHAT DO WE DO?

WE POINT IT AWAY FROM OUR FACE.

HELLO, BERG.

HEY, ASHLEY. HOW'S THE PARTY?

IT'S GREAT. GOULET'S A BIG HIT.

BOBBY GOULET!

LISTEN, I WANTED TO THANK YOU

FOR HOLDING UP YOUR END OF THE RESOLUTION,

AND TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE WHOLE DR. VAMESSEY MISUNDERSTANDING.

I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU MORE CREDIT.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

NO, NO, THANK YOU.

IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT WE CAN REALLY JUST BE FRIENDS.

SO... HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

JOHNNY?

I'M IN THE BATHROOM, HONEY. JUST A MINUTE.

OKAY.

Come on, come on, come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!

WOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF CUTTING THROUGH THE KITCHEN

AT THE SANDS.

Johnny: SHARON, HONEY, I'M REALLY SORRY.

NO, BABY, THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE NIGHT

SHOULD BE THAT WE BOTH HAVE A GOOD TIME,

AND IT'S ONE WE'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER.

EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.

Okay, okay, okay,

When he comes out, you start singing.

Johnny: HERE I COME!

WHA... YAH!

♪ IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU ♪

♪ IT WOULDN'T BE IN SUMMER ♪

♪ SEEING YOU IN SUMMER ♪

♪ I NEVER WOULD GO... ♪

THAT WAS SOME HUG.

WHAT IT IS WITH US?

WE EITHER FIGH TOR WE HAVE SEX.

YEAH. WE OUGHT TO FIND SOME MIDDLE GROUND.

WELL, THAT COULD BEOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

GREAT.

CAN YOU... GET MY CLOTHES FOR ME?

I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY DATE.

All: SIX! FIVE!

FOUR!

THREE!

TWO.

ONE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

THIS CENTURY'S GONNA SUCK.

♪ YOU SAY "EITHER" ♪

♪ AND I SAY "EY-THER" ♪

♪ YOU SAY "NEITHER" ♪

♪ AND I SAY "NY-THER" ♪

♪ EITHER ♪

♪ "EY-THER" ♪

♪ NEITHER ♪

♪ "NY-THER" ♪

♪ LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF ♪

♪ YOU SAY "POTATO"

♪ AND I SAY "POTAHTO" ♪

♪ YOU SAY "TOMATO" ♪

♪ AND I SAY "TOMAHTO" ♪

♪ POTATO ♪

♪ "POTAHTO" ♪

♪ TOMATO ♪

♪ "TOMAHTO" ♪

♪ LET'S CALL... ♪

HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

WHAT?

I'M SUPPOSED TO SING WITH HIM!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'VE BEEN HOGGIN' THE MACHINE ALL NIGHT, GOULET!