Original subtitles

OH, HEY!

HELLO, ASHLEY'S DISH TOWEL.

OH... I'M SO SORRY YOU CAN'T STAY.

NO, NO! NO, NO, NO! DON'T BE SAD, DON'T BE SAD!

LOOK... ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN THE BOX.

OW! OWW!

HOW WAS THE GYM?

EVERYTHING IN THERE WAS SO... HEAVY!

I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID ASHLEY,

BUT DON'T YOU THINK GETTIN' IN SHAPE IS A LITTLE EXTREME?

NO. NO, IT'S NOT.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF DEALING WITH THAT PAIN IN THE A...

ASHLEY'S HERE! ASHLEY!

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS HERE.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE MOVED IN, SO WE'RE EVEN.

WELL, THIS IS THE LAST OF MY STUFF.

EVERYTHING ELSE IS ALREADY AT SHARON AND JOHNNY'S.

OKAY, THEN.

THANKS, PETE.

TAKE CARE.

BERG, I CAN'T LET IT END THIS WAY.

I-I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT WENT WRONG BETWEEN US.

EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE TOGETHER,

WE'RE STILL GOING TO BE SEEING A LOT OF EACH OTHER.

SO FOR THE LAST TIME,

IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME,

NOW'S THE CHANCE.

UM... ISN'T IT FUNNY...

YOU ONLY REALIZE HOW MUCH STUFF YOU HAVE WHEN YOU MOVE?

WOW.

DEEPER THAN I EXPECTED.

HA HA!

IS SHE REALLY GONE?

I THINK SO.

YEAH, THE TEMPERATURE JUST WENT UP.

FINALLY! WE HAVE THE PLACE BACK TO OURSELVES!

OH, YEAH!

THIS HOUSE... IS CLEAN.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

SEE, SHE'S LIKE SATAN'S BOOMERANG!

HI, PETE! I'M MOVIN' IN!

SINCE THE BREAKUP, SHE HAS NOT AGED WELL.

GRANDPA?

YEAH?

WHY IS THERE A POSTER OF BARBARA WALTERS OVER MY BED?

'CAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF RUTH BUZZI.

WELL, WHEN ARE YOU PLANNIN' ON GOIN' HOME TO GRANDMOM?

NO WAY I'M GOIN' HOME TO THAT HARPY.

AT LEAST CALL HER AND LET HER KNOW YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

HEY, SHE'S 81. SHE THINKS I'M IN THE OTHER ROOM.

ENOUGH WITH THESE CIGARS!

MY BEDROOM SMELLS LIKE CLINT EASTWOOD'S RANGE ROVER.

OHHHHHH!

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!

WHOO! WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOUR EAR?

WHEE!

SUDDENLY, IT'S NOT SO SMOKY AROUND HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, QUIT IT.

YOU MAKE A LOUSY RUNAWAY,

AND YOU'RE MUCH TOO OLD TO BE A TEENAGE PROSTITUTE.

THIS FROM THE AVON LADY!

I AM NOT AN AVON LADY!

I'M VICE-PRESIDENT OF SALES FOR A VERY BIG COSMETIC COMPANY.

BERG, TELL HIM!

IT'S TRUE. PETE IS LEADING THE CHARGE TO BRING BACK PINK.

THANK YOU, BERG.

AND YOU... CALL GRANDMOM!

AND DON'T PRETEND TO BE HER DEAD SISTER AGAIN!

WHOA!

THAT'S... THAT'S A LOT OF PILLS YOU GOT THERE, CHARLIE.

IF THOSE ARE VIAGRA,

YOU'RE GONNA BE WALKIN' IN FRONT OF ME.

NO, NO, NO.

MY BUDDY VIC TAKES THIS PINK ONE FOR HIS STOMACH,

AND THE YELLOW ONES ARE FOR SALLY'S ARTHRITIS.

AND THESE ARE IN CASE LOU GETS A LITTLE BACKED UP.

MMM... YOU KNOW, CHARLIE... MM-HMM?

FOR JUST A LITTLE EXTRA,

A DOCTOR CAN PRESCRIBE PILLS ESPECIALLY CHOSEN FOR YOU.

DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS!

I HAVEN'T SEEN A DOCTOR IN 14 YEARS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN 'EM.

YES. APPARENTLY, YOU TRUST PHARMACISTS.

WELL, THEY'RE TALL.

CHARLIE, YOU NEED TO GET A CHECKUP, ALL RIGHT?

WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME TO THE HOSPITAL?

NO WAY!

HALF OF MY FRIENDS ARE IN THE HOSPITAL,

AND THEY'RE ALL SICK!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

BUT DON'T COME CRYING TO ME

WHEN CAROL'S ESTROGEN MAKES YOUR BOOBIES GROW.

MMM! SMELLS GOOD! WHAT ARE YOU MAKIN'?

ONE OF MY SPECIAL OMELETS.

UH, JOHNNY, I HAVEN'T BOUGHT EGGS IN MONTHS.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES 'EM SPECIAL.

GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

ASHLEY! HA HA HA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

I'M ONLY WEARING UNDERWEAR.

JOHNNY, DID YOU FORGET THAT I WAS MOVIN' IN?

NO.

YEAH.

CAN YOU... CAN YOU GO IN THE BACK FOR A SECOND?

THIS FLY DOESN'T BUTTON.

JOHNNY... I'M A DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT MY DOCTOR.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, ASHLEY LIVES HERE NOW.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

JUST GET UP AND GET USED TO IT.

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, I WON'T EVEN LOOK.

I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE...

I'M IN FOR $10.

WHAT'LL THAT COST ME?

YOU LET ME TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.

NO... WAIT... MAKE IT $20...

AND I GET A PEEK UP YOUR NOSE.

CALL.

STRAIGHT. UHHH!

I NEVER WOULD HAVE LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS

IF I THOUGHT YOU COULD PLAY POKER!

YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN ME UP ON RACQUETBALL.

I WAS BLUFFING.

YOU CAN'T TELL PETE I LET YOU DO THIS.

YEAH, HE'D BE JUST SICK WITH JEALOUSY.

HEY, I'M THE PATIENT. YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.

I KNOW MY RIGHTS.

FINE. BUT I'M GONNA NEED SOME FLUID.

I ALREADY GAVE YOU A GALLON OF BLOOD.

THE OTHER FLUID.

NO WAY!

COME ON, CHARLIE! WORK WITH ME HERE!

YOU WIN, YOU GET 10 BUCKS!

I WIN, I GET A CUP OF URINE.

BOY, AT THE SENIOR CENTER, WE PLAY FOR PRETZELS.

HEY.

WHERE'S GRANDPA?

HE WENT INTO YOUR ROOM TO HAVE A CIGAR.

WHAT?!

WHY DIDN'T HE JUST SIT OUT HERE WITH YOU?

OH, HE DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER ME WITH THE SMOKE.

MAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE!

COME ON, YOU TWO LOVE TAKIN' SHOTS AT EACH OTHER. NOW.

YOU'RE LIKE FELIX AND OSCAR...

BUT WITHOUT THE SEXUAL TENSION.

YOU LOVE IT. ADMIT IT.

YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. I DO LOVE SEEIN' HIM.

HEY!

HEY! PETE, YOU'RE HOME!

DING-DONG! AVON CALLING!

YES, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

YOU'LL HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME

EVERY TIME I VISIT YOU AT THE HOME.

AW, PETE!

I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU A HARD TIME ABOUT YOUR JOB.

I TRIED SOME OF THAT SOAP YOU SELL.

IT WASN'T HALF BAD.

SEE? I TOLD YOU, IT'S A GOOD COMPANY.

AND I'M PROUD OF YOUR WORK.

THANK YOU.

OH, BY THE WAY, DID YOU CALL GRANDMOM?

YEAH. UH-HUH.

YOU'RE SURE?

WELL, I HOPE SO,

OR ELSE I TOLD A PERFECT STRANGER

ABOUT MY MORNING BOWEL MOVEMENT.

OH! I AM SO SORRY!

OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S MY FAULT.

I D-DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING...

NOT THAT THERE WASN'T ANYTHING TO SEE!

I DIDN'T SEE THOSE, EITHER!

I SHOULD JUST GO.

WHOA! OH, GOSH! JOHNNY! WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

NOTHIN'! NOTHING AT ALL!

HE SAW MY BOOBS.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I WAS JUST WALKING ALONG, AND THEN... THERE THEY WERE.

OH, SWEETIE! DID THE BOOBS SCARE YOU?

JUST FORGET IT.

I'M GOIN' IN MY BEDROOM.

WHAT FOR?

OKAY, I'M GOIN' OUTSIDE!

HEY, ASHLEY...

OH, GEE! YOU DON'T LIVE IN THIS ROOM, DO YOU?

I DON'T HAVE TO MOVE OUT?

NO.

LOOK, I-I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

NO, THANKS, BERG! IT'S TOO LATE.

I GAVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK BEFORE.

BUT NO! YOU HAD NOTHIN' TO SAY!

AND NOW WE'RE AT THE HOSPITAL,

WHERE IT IS COMPLETELY UNPROFESSIONAL

TO TALK ABOUT OUR PERSONAL LIVES!

I'D LIKE YOUR OPINION ON THESE TESTS.

OH.

SURE.

BUT... IF YOU HAD WANTED TO TALK ABOUT PERSONAL STUFF,

THEN... YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN WRONG.

OH, GOSH. THIS IS REALLY BAD.

IT'S CHARLIE... PETE'S GRANDFATHER.

OH, NO. I'M SORRY.

WHAT DOES HIS DOCTOR HAVE TO SAY?

HE DOESN'T HAVE A DOCTOR.

I THINK THE LAST DOCTOR HE SAW BLED HIM WITH LEECHES.

I HAD TO RUN THESE TESTS MYSELF.

HOW'D YOU GET SAMPLES?

I DREW A STRAIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHO'S GREAT? DR. GRAYSON.

AND I BET YOU CAN GET CHARLIE IN TODAY.

NO, I CAN'T GET HIM INTO A HOSPITAL.

HE THINKS ALL DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS.

WELL, CAN YOU BLAME HIM?

HIS ONLY EXPERIENCE IS THE LEECH GUY AND YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!

DO WHAT?

TELL MY BEST FRIEND'S GRANDFATHER HE'S GONNA DIE.

OH. OH, GOSH. POOR BERG!

CHARLIE'S REALLY PUT YOU IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION.

ASHLEY, I WAS JUST...

DOING WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO...

TRYING TO AVOID ANYTHING THAT'S THE LEAST BIT UNPLEASANT.

WELL, YOU WANTED TO PLAY DOCTOR, BERG.

NOW GO... BE A DOCTOR.

AND IF YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,

I'LL PUT SOME BALLS IN YOUR STOCKING THIS CHRISTMAS.

BUT THAT'LL ONLY LEAVE YOU WITH TWO.

HEY... CHARLIE.

HEY, BERG.

I FOUND THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL.

I DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS ARTSY PORN.

THE CHANNEL'S SCRAMBLED.

LISTEN, CHARLIE, I... HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

HEY! MRS. ABERNATHY WAS COMIN' ON TO ME!

OKAY, LOOK, UM... I HAVE SOME NEWS.

AND, UH... AND IT'S NOT GOOD.

I SEE. SO IT'S GREAT?

NO. THINK "CUP HALF EMPTY."

YOU SPILLED MY SAMPLE.

NO!

LOOK... I GOT YOUR TEST RESULTS BACK.

IT'S YOUR LIVER.

IT'S FUNCTIONING DOWN AROUND 40% RIGHT NOW.

SHOULD I SELL OR WAIT TILL IT SPLITS?

CHARLIE, COME ON, PLEASE!

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS! YOU ARE VERY...

VERY SICK.

YES!

I KNOW. THE LIVER IS SHOT.

AND I GOT ABOUT SIX MONTHS LEFT.

Y-YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME 14 YEARS AGO!

THAT'S TERRIBLE!

YOU'VE HAD 6 MONTHS TO LIVE FOR 14 YEARS?!

I TOLD YOU... THE DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS!

I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FAITH IN HOSPITALS,

BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD GO IN FOR TREATMENTS.

WHY?

CAN THEY CURE ME?

NO. BUT THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING.

SURE... THEY'LL PUT ME IN HALF A ROBE

AND PARADE ME IN FRONT OF FRIGHTENED CHILDREN.

FINE. YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME?

THEN MAYBE YOU'LL LISTEN TO PETE.

YOU CAN'T TELL PETE!

THAT WOULD VIOLATE THE PATIENT/IDIOT PRIVILEGE!

HA HA!

YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO KEEP THIS FROM HIM!

HE LOVES YOU! HE DESERVES TO KNOW!

I'LL TELL HIM WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT!

NOW... HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE POKER?

I HAD A CUP OF COFFEE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

MORNIN'.

MORNIN'.

HEY, RICKY,

CAN YOU RUN DOWN TO FRED AND ETHEL'S FOR A CUP OF SUGAR?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I MADE YOU SOME EGGS.

MMM! SUNNY SIDE UP?

YEP, SO THEY'LL REMIND YOU OF ASHLEY'S BREASTS.

WILL YOU JUST DROP IT?!

I CAN'T. YOU WERE SO FUNNY...

ALL STUTTERING AND NERVOUS.

WELL, WHEN A MAN SEES BREASTS,

HIS BRAIN FUNCTIONS AT ABOUT 10%.

OH, YOU POOR THING.

YOU WERE LIKE A DEER CAUGHT IN ASHLEY'S HEADLIGHTS.

IT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.

THEY WERE NOTHING LIKE I PICTURED THEM.

YOU'VE PICTURED THEM?!

ONLY FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN I WENT RIGHT BACK TO YOURS.

IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

NO, HON, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.

I KNOW. IT'S OKAY.

DOESN'T SOUND OKAY.

WELL... IT'S STUPID.

NO. WHAT, WHAT?

IT'S JUST...

IT'D BE NICE IF I STILL HAD THAT SAME EFFECT ON YOU.

I MEAN, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW ME NAKED

AND RAN SCREAMING FROM A ROOM?

IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO.

OKAY, OKAY... WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER DAY?

I WAS WALKIN' AROUND BUCK NAKED,

AND YOU ASKED ME FOR CHANGE FOR A $20!

THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN I LOOKED AT YOUR BOTTOM,

I SAW TWO 10s.

I JUST... WISH I COULD STILL SURPRISE YOU

EVERY NOW AND THEN.

I GUESS I JUST MISS BEING NEW TO YOU.

OH, HONEY, YOU ARE.

OKAY. I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER.

OKAY.

HEY, SHARON.

OH, HEY, ASH. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

OH, DO YOU NEED THE BATHROOM?

OH, NO, THAT'S OKAY. GO AHEAD.

YOU WANT SURPRISES?

I'LL GIVE YOU SURPRISES.

Ashley: HEY, THERE.

AAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAH!

FROM NOW ON, YOU WEAR A BELL!

WHERE IS HE?

SHH! HE'S NAPPIN'.

GRANDPA, GET OUT HERE!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?!

I CALLED MY GRANDMOM.

HE LIED ABOUT CALLING HER. SHE WAS WORRIED SICK.

GET YOUR OLD-MAN SMELL OUT HERE!

I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD BE NICE TO YOUR GRANDFATHER.

BERG, GET OUT OF MY WAY.

I HAVE SOME WRINKLED BUTT TO KICK.

HIYA, PETEY!

WHATCHA BEEN DOIN' ALL DAY?

OH, NOTHIN' MUCH.

LET'S SEE... I SOAKED MY DENTURES,

I LISTENED TO A DIRTY MOVIE.

HOW 'BOUT YOU? DID YOU GIVE ANY GOOD MAKEOVERS?

NO, I COULDN'T.

YOU SEE, I WAS TOO BUSY LISTENING TO GRANDMA CRY

BECAUSE SHE HAD NO IDEA WHERE YOU WERE.

YOU SAID YOU CALLED HER!

WELL, I THOUGHT I DID.

I'M GETTIN' OLD. I CAN'T REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!

GRANDPA, YOU'RE GOING HOME, AND YOU'RE GOING HOME NOW!

YOU CAN'T JUST KICK HIM OUT.

GIMME ONE GOOD REASON WHY.

BECAUSE HE'S... I MEAN, HE HAS A...

BECAUSE HE PROMISED TO TEACH ME TO WHITTLE.

GRANDPA, YOU'RE GOING HOME.

Just tell him!

It's not the right time.

BESIDES, I KNOW WHAT HE REALLY WANTS.

AH, PETEY, LET ME LOOK BEHIND THAT EAR.

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY.

GRANDMOM WAS REALLY, REALLY SCARED.

SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT.

SO DO ME A FAVOR...

ROLL UP BARBARA WALTERS AND GO HOME!

YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

YES, I DO!

ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN.

I'LL GO.

AND BY THE WAY... I'M DYING.

NOW YOU TELL HIM.

IT WAS THE RIGHT TIME!

NO.

ASK HIM.

IT'S TRUE.

I EXAMINED HIM MYSELF... DOUBLE-CHECKED THE RESULTS.

THEY TOLD HIM SIX MONTHS.

AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?

I COULDN'T.

HE'S MY GRANDFATHER!

YEAH, I'M HIS GRANDFATHER!

OKAY! ALL RIGHT!

YOU ARE HIS GRANDFATHER, SO TALK TO HIM!

YOU'RE DYING?

SO ARE YOU! EVERYBODY IS!

DON'T MAKE IT SUCH A BIG DEAL.

WHAT'S... WHAT'S WRONG?

IT'S MY LIVER.

- IT COULD BE WORSE... - LIVER WORSE!

I-I JUST... I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.

I-I WOULD HAVE TREATED YOU DIFFERENTLY.

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO.

BUT I WAS SO MEAN TO YOU.

YEAH, AND TO A DYING MAN!

DOES, UH, GRANDMOM KNOW... THAT YOU'RE DYING?

ARE YOU KIDDIN'? IT'S HER IDEA!

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHIN' THAT THE DOCTORS CAN DO.

HEY, PETE... I'M 82.

MOST MEN LIVE TILL THEY'RE 76.

I'M ALREADY IN THE BONUS ROUND.

I LOVE YOU, GRANDPA.

OH, THERE, THERE.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET MASCARA ALL OVER MY SHIRT.

HEY.

HEY.

DID YOU TALK TO CHARLIE?

YEAH.

OH. HOW'D IT GO?

I'M STILL A LITTLE SHAKEN UP.

I MEANT FOR HIM.

OH. HE'S FINE.

UH, ASHLEY... YEAH?

LISTEN, I WAS THINKIN'...

WELL, THAT'S NEVER GONE VERY WELL FOR YOU.

LOOK, SINCE WE'RE NOT IN THE HOSPITAL,

I-I JUST... I JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD TELL YOU, UM...

I REGRET HOW THINGS ENDED UP BETWEEN US.

I PROBABLY COULD HAVE HANDLED IT BETTER.

I JUST LIKE IT WHEN EVERYONE'S HAPPY,

AND WHEN THEY'RE NOT, OR WHEN I'M NOT,

I... KIND OF CHECK OUT.

OKAY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

AND ABOUT US...

I DON'T KNOW IF WE WERE WRONG OR IF I WAS JUST WRONG,

BUT, UM... I MADE A DECISION,

AND I HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT,

LIKE YOU SAID.

T-THAT'S IT.

OKAY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

I JUST SAID SOME REALLY HONEST STUFF THERE.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?

OH... I SEE.

UM... WOW, BERG.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU REALLY HAVE TAKEN STOCK OF YOURSELF.

AND YOU'VE REALIZED THAT YOUR ACTIONS COME WITH CONSEQUENCES,

AND THAT'S ONE TINY STEP TOWARDS MATURITY.

BUT, HEY, IT'S A GIANT LEAP FOR YOU!

HOORAY! HOORAY FOR BERG!

THE LAST TIME I GROW IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

ASHLEY?

Ashley: WHAT IS IT, JOHNNY?

NOTHIN'. NEVER MIND.

SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?

AAAAAAAAAAH!

AAAAH! AAAAH!