Original subtitles

MM!

EXCUSE ME!

EXCUSE ME!

HOMELESS GUY.

DO YOU MIND RUMMAGING A LITTLE LATER?

I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET SOME SLEEP.

OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

HOW WAS MY NICE, COMFY BED?

MM. IT WAS WONDERFUL.

AND HOW WAS THE COUCH?

A LITTLE LUMPY.

WELL, LISTEN,

THANKS FOR BREAKING IN MY NEPHEW'S BASEBALL MITT.

NO WONDER I HAD A DREAM

CAL RIPKEN WAS CUPPING MY TENDERS.

LISTEN... HOW'S THE APARTMENT HUNT?

ANYTHING I CAN HELP YOU OUT WITH?

NOPE.

BECAUSE I WILL.

JUST TELL ME WHAT'S HOLDING YOU UP.

IS IT A MONEY ISSUE? DO YOU NEED BOXES?

PACKING TAPE?

WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG.

I'M LEAVING.

I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW.

BUT I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I BREAK UP WITH HER, AND YET, SHE STAYS.

I TELL HER IT'S OVER, AND YET, SHE'S HERE.

PETE, WHY WON'T SHE LEAVE?!

THAT'S AS HARD TO ANSWER

AS WHY YOU WENT OUT WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HI, PETE.

IRENE, YOU'RE WEARIN' ALL BLACK.

IT'S THANKSGIVING.

WHERE ARE YOUR DRUMSTICK EARRINGS?

OH, GOD!

SOMEBODY DIDN'T DIE, DID THEY?

NO, MY OUTFIT REFLECTS THE EMPTINESS OF MY SOUL.

ON A DAY WHEN I NORMALLY GIVE THANKS FOR ALL I HAVE,

I HAVE NOTHING AND NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH.

SEE, PETE, I'VE LOST MY SMILE.

THE BLACK IS VERY SLIMMING.

OKAY, THEN, I GUESS JUST... HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

OKAY. YOU TOO.

OH. AND, HEY, GOOD LUCK FINDIN' THAT SMILE!

OH. OH.

I CAN'T LISTEN TO HER CRY.

I KNOW.

HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN ON THE STEREO.

ALL RIGHT.

IRENE.

YES, PETE?

YOU RAN OUT SO FAST, I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE

TO INVITE YOU TO THANKSGIVING DINNER.

I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY.

YOU SURE?

OKAY. JUST LET ME GET MY PURSE.

OKAY, BUT WE'LL BILL YOU LATER.

NO, SILLY. MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME TO CARRY A PURSE

OR PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU'RE A BOY.

YOUR MOM SOUNDS GREAT.

SO, LISTEN, I'LL JUST... I'LL TELL BERG...

WHOA!

HI, PETE.

HEY... YOU.

IT'S CHET.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

YEAH, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU... INDOORS.

HEY, BERG.

ASHLEY, UM, ARE YOU AWARE

THAT THE MAN WHO PEES IN OUR FLOWER PLANTER

IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU?

ALL PART OF THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

CHET.

HI, UH, UH, HERE YOU GO.

SO, BERG, I'VE INVITED CHET TO OUR PLACE FOR DINNER.

WHAT?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!

WELL, WE COULD'VE GONE TO HIS PLACE,

BUT SOMEBODY PARKED ON IT.

BERG, I INVITED IRENE TO DINNER.

OUTSTANDING.

THAT'S JUST GREAT, GUYS.

HEY, MAYBE SHARON WILL INVITE THE GUY FROM THE BUS STOP

WHO KEEPS TRYIN' TO SHOW ME HIS EXTRA NIPPLE.

HIS LOSS.

IT'S QUITE A NIPPLE.

MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

I WAS JUST GONNA SIT DOWN AND WATCH SOME FOOTBALL.

I GOT A LOT OF MONEY ON THIS. COWBOYS ARE GONNA WIN.

REALLY? HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?

PETE, COME ON. THINK ABOUT IT.

WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN A DOLPHIN AND A COWBOY?

DOLPHINS HAVE FINS. COWBOYS HAVE GUNS.

I GUESS THAT'S WHY THE BROWNS NEVER WIN.

HEY, EVERYBODY! FOOD IS HERE!

YES, WAIT TILL YOU TRY JOHNNY'S JELLO SURPRISE.

SURPRISE! IT'S JUST JELLO!

HEY, HONEY, UNTIL YOU FIND ANOTHER JOB,

WE CAN'T BE THROWING OUR MONEY AWAY ON FRIVOLOUS THINGS.

BABY, IT'S THANKSGIVING... A TIME FOR GENEROSITY,

FOR DIGGING A LITTLE DEEP...

WHAT'S THE BUM DOIN' HERE?

WE PREFER HOBO.

THAT'S JUST A BIT OF HOMELESS HUMOR, SHARON.

HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?

YOU MIGHT NOT NOTICE ME, BUT I NOTICE YOU GUYS.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON AROUND HERE.

IT'S A LOT EASIER TO KEEP YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND

IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU GOT GUM IN YOUR SIDEBURNS.

YOU KNOW, YOU BEEN A LITTLE TENSE LATELY.

DID YOU LOSE YOUR JOB?

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

FROM YOUR TRASH.

YOU CIRCLED THE WANT ADS,

INCREASED YOUR ICE-CREAM CONSUMPTION,

AND I FOUND THAT LETTER FROM YOUR MOM

SAYING, "SORRY YOU LOST YOUR JOB."

OKAY.

YOU'RE GOOD.

DO ME. DO ME.

JUDGING FROM THE AMOUNT OF YOUR HAIR IN THE TRASH,

AND YOUR FATHER'S COMB-OVER,

I'D SAY SOMEBODY'S FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE.

HA HA HA HA!

OKAY. DO SOMEONE ELSE.

AH, THANK YOU, CHET.

OH, NO! DAMN COWBOYS!

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, IT'S MY GOOD-LUCK CHARM.

IT'LL HELP TURN THIS GAME AROUND.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ITS LEG?

WELL, THEY MISSED FOUR FIELD GOALS LAST WEEK.

WHEN HE LEARNS TO KICK STRAIGHT,

HE'LL GET HIS LEG BACK.

HEY, THAT TURKEY SMELLS GOOD.

YEAH.

ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST A REALLY BIG CHICKEN.

W-W-WHAT A DAY TO SKIP BREAKFAST.

LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET, BERG.

ALL PRODUCTS ARE THE SAME.

YOU'RE ONLY PAYING FOR THE PACKAGING.

YOU'VE JUST BEEN CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE

THAT WINE FROM A BOTTLE IS BETTER THAN WINE FROM A BOX.

OOH, YOU KNOW,

I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LET THIS BREATHE.

PETE, GIVE IT A KISS.

HOW ABOUT A HUG?

OOH.

NO! PETE, COME ON, IT'S THIRD DOWN.

KISS IT QUICK!

NO!

OH, GREAT, THEY MISSED IT. WAY TO GO, PETE!

HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND HANGING IN THE BATHROOM.

HEY.

HEY, THAT'S MY SUIT.

I WAS STEAMIN' OUT THE WRINKLES.

WELL, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

ASHLEY, YOU JUST INVITED CHET HERE TO GET BACK AT ME.

NO. I INVITED HIM HERE BECAUSE IT'S THANKSGIVING.

ASHLEY, THIS WHOLE THING IS GETTING OLD.

OH, NOT FOR ME.

HEY, UM, WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT NORMAL COUPLES DO WHEN THEY BREAK UP,

BUT NOT YOU.

YOU STAY.

WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, BERG?

LEAVE!!

OH, BOY, THAT MAKES ME FEEL MUCH BETTER.

WOMEN.

WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, WOMEN, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I USED TO MAKE A PRETTY GOOD LIVING

WHEN I WAS A STOCKBROKER UNTIL MY WIFE

JUST SPENT ME RIGHT INTO THE POORHOUSE.

OF COURSE, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU, DO I?

YOU MEAN SHARON?

SHE DOESN'T SPEND THAT MUCH.

HER GUCCI GARMENT BAGS ALONE

KEPT ME WARM DURING THE WHOLE WINTER.

COME ON.

I'LL TALK TO HER, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, MAYBE SHE COULD LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.

THANKS, HOBO.

WILL HELP PEOPLE FOR FOOD.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU WERE A LITTLE HARD ON ASHLEY?

I KNOW! I HATE THIS!

I HATE LOOKIN' BAD.

I'M JUST SAYIN', MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY BEING NICE TO HER.

I MEAN, LOOK AT IRENE. ALL SHE NEEDED WAS A FRIEND.

OOH, KISS THE DOLL, PETE. QUICK!

WOULD YOU GET THAT THING OUTTA MY FACE?!

YOU MOVED!

YOU MOVED OFF THE LUCKY SPOT!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!

YOU GOT UP, THEY FUMBLED!

YOU KNOW WHAT?! I FELT BAD FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT WE COULD SIT, HAVE A NORMAL TIME, AND WATCH THE GAME.

INSTEAD, YOU HAD ME KISSIN' THE DOLL'S LUCKY SPOT!

PETE, EVERY TIME YOU WAVE YOUR ARMS, THEY GET SACKED!

IRENE, ENOUGH!

NO!

I'LL KISS YOUR DOLL.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO NICE TO HER.

I KNOW WHY I'M NICE TO HER.

SHE'S GOT A GUN IN HER PURSE.

NAH, COME ON.

I KNOW SHE'S A LITTLE ODD, BUT...

NOTHING IN HER TRASH BUT CAT FOOD AND SHELL CASINGS.

SHE DOES HAVE A LOT OF CATS.

TRUST ME, THAT WING NUT IS TWO MONTHS AWAY

FROM BEING MY NEIGHBOR.

SHE IS ABOUT READY TO CRACK.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HER THIS MORNING.

SHE WAS DEPRESSED AND CRYING.

AND SHE INSISTED ON GETTING HER PURSE.

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A SWEETHEART TO HER.

I GOTTA GO.

SO, I THINK THE WAY TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS

IS TO HAVE ASHLEY MOVE INTO OUR SPARE ROOM.

NO WAY! THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY WEIGHTS!

SHE'S GOING THROUGH A LOT RIGHT NOW.

SHE'D PAY A THIRD OF THE RENT.

LET'S MOVE HER IN AFTER WE EAT.

SO, UH, JOHNNY TELLS ME YOU GOT WOMAN PROBLEMS.

I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I UNDERSTAND. TOUGH SITUATION.

SO, WHEN IS ASHLEY DUE?

UH... ASHLEY'S NOT PREGNANT.

THERE WAS A PREGNANCY TEST IN THE GARBAGE.

EVERYTHING CAME UP "BABY."

WELL, YOU CAN'T BE SURE THAT'S ASHLEY'S.

I HEAR MRS. ABERNATHY'S DOG IS GONNA HAVE PUPPIES.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

BUT THEN, WHY IS ASHLEY STILL LIVING HERE?

I'VE BEEN ASKIN' MYSELF THAT SAME QUESTION.

COULD IT BE

THAT SHE WANTS TO BE NEAR THE BABY'S FATHER?

WHAT IS THAT CALLED, NESTING?

OH, MY GOD. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'M GOING TO LICK THAT TURKEY AGAIN.

IRENE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LOOK, I'M STILL ON THE LUCKY SPOT.

OKAY, BERG, WE HAVE A SITUATION.

I'VE GOT MY OWN STUFF GOIN' ON.

IRENE HAS A GUN, AND I'M AFRAID SHE'S GONNA USE IT.

ASHLEY'S PREGNANT. OH, MY GOD.

KIND OF PUTS YOUR LITTLE GUN PROBLEM

IN PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?

ARE YOU SURE?

OF COURSE I'M SURE.

THE HOBO TOLD ME.

W-W-WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

ALL I KNOW IS WE HAD SEX, AND NOW SHE'S PREGNANT.

WELL, AT LEAST THE WORST PART IS OVER.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY TO BE A FATHER.

I MEAN, I-I CAN BARELY CUT MY OWN STEAK.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A TERRIFIC FATHER.

YOU THINK?

YOU'RE GONNA BE A GREAT DAD...

YOU KNOW, IF YOU COULD EVER GET OVER

YOUR HATRED OF THE MOTHER.

SO, YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUST...

SO, ANYWAY, SHARON AND I WERE THINKING

IT WOULD JUST BE EASIER IF YOU MOVED UPSTAIRS WITH US.

REALLY?

YEAH. WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS WOULD WE BE

IF WE DIDN'T HELP YOU GET BACK ON YOUR FEET?

OH, GOSH, THAT'S ONE OF THE NICEST THINGS

ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.

AT $350 A MONTH, NOT INCLUDING UTILITIES.

THANKS. I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

$325.

IT'S... IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.

OH, OKAY. THEN IT'S $350.

AH, AH, AH, SEE?

WE MADE ASHLEY VERY HAPPY.

TOO HAPPY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

BECAUSE HE'S A MAN AND SHE'S A WOMAN ON THE REBOUND.

THE REST... NATURE'S SPECIAL.

OH, COME ON, JOHNNY WOULD NEVER DO THAT,

AND ASHLEY IS A GOOD FRIEND.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

YOUR LOVER AND YOUR BEST FRIEND...

THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

HEY, LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND WITH THAT.

NO, IT'S OKAY. I CAN HANDLE IT.

NO, NO, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

GOOD GOD, THAT'S HOT!

SO... HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?

I'M FINE, BUT I'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER AFTER I'VE EATEN.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.

IT KNOWS WHAT IT NEEDS.

DOESN'T THAT LOOK LIKE A BABY'S BUTT?

I LOVE BABIES' BUTTS.

OKAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

NOTHING. DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE GLOWING?

DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL?

AND YOUR ANKLES SWELL.

WHY WON'T SHE TELL ME ABOUT THE BABY?

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME TALK TO HER?

I THINK SHE'LL LISTEN TO ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT...

MAYBE COMING FROM SOMEONE SHE RESPECTS...

I DON'T WANT ASHLEY MOVING IN WITH US.

BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME TO ASK HER.

AND THIS IS THE ONE TIME YOU DECIDE TO LISTEN TO ME?!

GUYS, I NEED YOUR HELP.

NOT NOW! NOT NOW!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER GOT TOGETHER WITH THAT MORON.

COME ON, SUGAR. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

YOU'RE STILL HUNG UP ON THE GUY.

OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

I'M TOTALLY OVER HIM!

HERE. HERE, HERE, HERE.

YOU JUST SQUIRT ALL YOU WANT.

OH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

YOU HAVE TO OPEN UP TO BERG.

YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM HOW MUCH THAT HE HURT YOU.

UNTIL YOU ADMIT IT, YOU CAN'T GET PAST IT.

HE'S JUST GONNA THROW THAT BACK IN MY FACE.

HEY, COME ON.

GIVE BERG A SHOT.

IF YOU LET DOWN YOUR WALLS,

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA SEE A SIDE OF BERG

THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.

GOD. WHY COULDN'T I MEET A GUY LIKE YOU...

ONLY WITH A JOB AND AN APARTMENT?

THEY'RE RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK.

CALL TIMEOUT! CALL TIMEOUT!

HEY, IRENE!

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S REALLY GOOD LUCK

IS WHEN YOU GIVE SOMEBODY YOUR PURSE

AND THEN THEY LOCK IT IN THE CLOSET.

YOU'RE INSANE.

HOW'D IT GO?

GOOD NEWS. FALSE ALARM.

YOU'RE NOT THE FATHER.

IT'S YOUR BUDDY PETE.

WHAT?

ASHLEY JUST TOLD ME.

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.

NO WAY. NO WAY. ALL THEY DO IS FIGHT.

OH, RIGHT.

AND FIGHTING NEVER LEADS TO SEX?

I MEAN, HOW DID YOU AND ASHLEY GET TOGETHER, ANYWAY?

YEAH...

I'M GONNA BE SICK.

OKAY, EVERYBODY, DINNER'S READY.

OH, WOW. IT SMELLS GREAT, JOHNNY.

THANK YOU.

AT LEAST SOMEBODY AROUND HERE APPRECIATES MY COOKING.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY HER?

DAMN TO HELL! THE COWBOYS LOST!

IRENE, IRENE, IRENE...

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I DON'T LIKE LOSING.

I HATE LOSING.

I CAN'T STAND ANOTHER DAY OF LOSING.

HEY, HEY, IRENE, IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE,

IT'S HOW YOU HANDLE NEVER WINNING.

OKAY, WHO WOULD LIKE TO TRY SOME GREAT CRANBERRY SAUCE?

I'VE SEEN BETTER FOOD IN MY OVERCOAT POCKET.

HEY, I'LL TRY SOME.

OOH, LOOK AT ASHLEY DIG IN TO JOHNNY'S CRANBERRIES.

WE SHOULD GO AROUND THE TABLE

AND TELL EACH OTHER WHAT WE'RE THANKFUL FOR.

WHY DON'T WE START WITH YOU?

PASS. COME ON.

I SAID PASS!

OKAY.

UM, ANYBODY ELSE?

THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SAY.

WAIT. LET ASHLEY GO FIRST.

UM, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO BERG IN PRIVATE.

WHY BOTHER? THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER.

ASHLEY'S PREGNANT.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

AND I'M NOT THE FATHER.

HOW COULD YOU?!

NOT JOHNNY! IT WAS PETE!

WHAT?!

PETE? OH, MY GOD.

NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

NO, IRENE! NO! SHE'S GOT A GUN!

AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU LUNATIC?!

GIVE ME THE GUN! WHERE'S THE GUN?!

GUN?! I HATE GUNS! I WAS GETTING A TISSUE!

WHO TOLD YOU THAT I WAS PREGNANT?

HOBO CHET.

I'M... I'M NOT LAUGHING AT YOU GUYS.

I'M LAUGHING AT PETE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU WERE LYING?

W-WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

WE INVITE YOU INTO OUR HOME,

AND ALL YOU DO IS GET US FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER?

IT'S MY VERSION OF DINNER AND A SHOW.

AH, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

I'M OFF TO FEED THE HOMELESS.

WHOA, WHAT ABOUT MY SUIT?

I'LL BRING IT BACK IN A WEEK.

I'VE GOT A WEDDING IN RHODE ISLAND.

HA HA HA HA!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, GANG.

PETE, DID YOU HAVE TO TACKLE ME SO HARD?

IT REALLY HURT MY SHOULDER.

I-I'M SORRY, IRENE.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO PROTECT MY FRIENDS...

AND, IN THE PROCESS, OF COURSE, YOU.

OH, PETE, LOOK... YOU FOUND MY SMILE.

SO, ANYWAY, ASHLEY, I CUT YOU OFF.

YOU WANTED TO TELL ME SOMETHING IN PRIVATE?

YOU'RE AN ASS.

DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD TELL YOU IF I WERE PREGNANT?

AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD SLEEP WITH PETE?

OKAY, I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE.

LISTEN, BERG,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVED YOU...

AND YOU HURT ME.

AND I COULDN'T LEAVE UNTIL I COULD ADMIT THAT.

AND I'M ONLY TELLING YOU NOW BECAUSE I WANT TO MOVE ON.

SO, JOHNNY, I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER.

OH, UM...

JUST ONE MINUTE.

OF COURSE SHE CAN, JOHNNY.

OH, GOSH. YOU KNOW, ASHLEY IS OUR FRIEND.

COME ON. LET'S GO CELEBRATE.

JOHNNY BOUGHT A BOX OF CHAMPAGNE.

YOU OKAY, BERG?

I'M FINE.

IT'S JUST, UH,

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE LEFT ME ON THANKSGIVING.

YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO REFER TO ASHLEY AS A GIRL.

IT SETS HER OFF.

THAT AND EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST BERG AND I COMPILED.

IT'S JUST SOME OF HER HOT BUTTONS.

WHEN YOU'RE HOME AND SHE COMES HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL...

DON'T DO THAT.

WHEN YOU TAKE A SHOWER, DON'T LEAVE WATER IN THE TUB.

OR HAIR. OR SOAP.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

BEST BET... AVOID THE SHOWER.

IT'S ALL ON THE LIST. HEY, JOHNNY...

LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.

WHY?

WE WANNA REMEMBER YOU THIS WAY.