Original subtitles

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC. AND 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

NO.

NO.

W-W-WAIT. GO BACK. GO BACK.

NO.

THERE'S NOTHIN' ON. WANNA RENT A MOVIE?

SURE.

ANYTHING BUT "MAD MAX."

NO.

WE COULD GO FOR ICE CREAM.

MM, I DON'T WANNA GO OUT LOOKIN' LIKE THIS.

YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.

HEY, WE COULD ALWAYS FOOL AROUND.

YOU FEEL LIKE IT?

NO.

ME NEITHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO TO BED.

OKAY. SEE YA IN A BIT.

HA. "TELETUBBIES."

OOH, "TELETUBBIES."

WINKY'S GOOD IN THIS ONE.

WHERE'S ASHLEY?

SHE WENT TO BED.

OH. I THOUGHT I HEARD A COFFIN CLOSE.

YOU KNOW, THIS... THIS IS WEIRD.

HELP ME OUT HERE, PETE.

EVER SINCE ASHLEY OFFICIALLY MOVED IN,

WE DON'T ARGUE AS MUCH.

WE'VE GOTTEN SORT OF...

COMFORTABLE, SETTLED, TOTALLY AT PEACE.

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW SHE AND I USED TO BE?

YEAH... LOUD, VOLATILE, UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND.

YEAH. THAT WAS GOOD.

NOW SHE... NOW SHE JUST... SHE'S GOTTEN SO... TRANQUIL.

I GOTTA PUT THE FIRE BACK IN THIS RELATIONSHIP SOMEHOW.

WE COULD DRUG HER AND DUMP HER BODY IN MEXICO.

NO.

BERG, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME

TO A ROMANTIC BED-AND-BREAKFAST.

DOESN'T THIS SEEM A LITTLE RESIDENTIAL?

BELIEVE ME, THIS IS A GREAT PLACE TO SPICE THINGS UP.

THERE'S MY BABY BOY!

I TOOK YOU TO MY PARENTS' HOUSE! SURPRISE!

OKAY, LOOK, WHATEVER HAPPENS BETWEEN YOU AND MY MOM,

JUST REMEMBER, I'M THE ONE TO BLAME.

SWEETIE!

MOM, HEY!

DAD, HOW YOU DOIN'?

I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY GIRLFRIEND, ASHLEY.

HI, IT'S REALLY A PLEASURE TO MEET...

JUST A MINUTE, ANGIE.

LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

HI, I'M PHIL.

HI, IT'S REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.

MOM, UH, SAY HI TO ASHLEY.

HI, MRS. BERGEN.

SO, YOU'RE KEEPING MY SON FROM ME.

WHY IS THAT?

WE TRIED TO COME SOONER, BUT SHE WOULDN'T LET ME.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE THAT WOMAN ON TELEVISION.

WHAT'S HER NAME?

OH. MARY TYLER MOORE?

MY, DON'T WE HAVE A HIGH OPINION OF OURSELVES.

WELL, NO, IT'S JUST THAT

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE COMMENTED ON THE RESEMBLANCE.

WELL, THEY WERE JUST BLOWIN' HOT AIR UP YOUR ASS.

I KNOW. I KNOW... THE ONE THAT YELLS AT EVERYBODY...

JUDGE JUDY.

COME ON NOW. DON'T START, MOM.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET ASHLEY ALL MAD AT ME,

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'LL BE FIGHTIN',

AND NOBODY WANTS THAT.

WE ARE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST FINE.

WHY DON'T WE GO IN THE HOUSE?

I AM DYING TO FIND OUT WHAT MY BOY SEES IN YOU.

WHY DON'T WE SAVE SOMETHIN' TO TALK ABOUT DURING DINNER?

BERG, IS THIS YOUR IDEA

OF SPICING UP OUR RELATIONSHIP...

WATCHING YOUR MOM TICK ME OFF ALL WEEKEND?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU JUST GOT OFF TO A BUMPY START, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, MOM, DID I TELL YOU ASHLEY'S A REPUBLICAN?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SHARON, SHOULDN'T YOU KNOCK?

HA HA HA HA. SINCE WHEN?

SINCE I HAVE THE APARTMENT TO MYSELF THIS WEEKEND,

AND I MIGHT HAVE A GIRL OVER.

PETE, YOU'RE FOLDING LAUNDRY.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE SHE'S INTO HIDING

AND WATCHING ME BE TIDY.

OH, WAIT, SHARON, TELL ME SOMETHING...

WHAT DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF?

OH!

THE TIME I GOT MACED AT CHIPPENDALES'?

MY COMPANY WANTS ME TO COME UP WITH A NAME

FOR OUR NEW UNISEX COLOGNE.

HOW ABOUT "CROWD CONTROL"?

SO, WHERE'S BERG?

OH, HE TOOK ASHLEY AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

YOU KNOW, TO SPICE THINGS UP.

MUST BE NICE.

WHAT?

WHAT?

YOU SIGHED.

I DID NOT SIGH. I EXHALED.

YOU EXHALED WITH MEANING. THAT'S A SIGH.

IS THERE PROBLEMS WITH YOU AND JOHNNY?

NO.

THERE IT IS AGAIN.

I AM BREATHING! I'M A MAMMAL!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON'T TELL ME.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS YOU AND I SHOULD NOT TALK ABOUT,

SO PLEASE JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

OKAY, OKAY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT THE PERSON ENGAGED TO THE GUY...

WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH?

NO!

IS HE A KLEPTO? 'CAUSE I'M MISSIN' A PAIR OF PANTS.

NO!

WELL, IT CAN'T BE SEX.

I KNEW IT!

SO, OUR LITTLE EAGLE SCOUT IS GOIN' FOR HIS FREAKY BADGE!

NO. GOD, YOU COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

IF ANYTHING, JOHNNY'S FROM THE SCHOOL

OF "YOU DO ONE THING, AND YOU DO IT WELL."

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, HE'S A ONE-TRICK PONY?

IT'S A KNEE-WOBBLER. DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT I FEEL LIKE

WE'RE STARTIN' TO OWE THE MISSIONARY SOME COMMISSION.

LOOK, I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOTHIN' TO BE ASHAMED OF.

MAYBE HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T ALL BE STUDENTS

OF THE "KAMA SUTRA."

EW.

YOU STILL HAVE THAT BOOK?

YOU THINK IT'S EMBARRASSING CHECKING IT OUT OF THE LIBRARY?

TRY RETURNING IT FOUR YEARS OVERDUE.

HAND ME THAT PILLOW.

FOR EASY REFERENCE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHOW THIS TO JOHNNY.

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

I DON'T WANT JOHNNY TO THINK

I'M THE KIND OF GIRL THAT WOULD DO THAT STUFF!

BUT YOU ARE.

WELL, YEAH!

WELL, SHARON...

JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.

DON'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THIS TO JOHNNY.

LIKE I'M GONNA.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT WOULD PUT ME IN AN AWKWARD POSITION?

WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT AWKWARD POSITIONS.

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

TOUCHDOWN!

OH! I AM TELLIN' YOU,

BOSTON COLLEGE IS GOIN' TO A BOWL THIS YEAR.

I WOULDN'T DOUBT IT. TIM HASSELBECK CAN MOVE.

MAN!

I BET HE KNOWS OVER 40 WAYS TO MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN!

I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

HEY, CAN I GET YOU A BEER?

YEAH, SURE. SURE.

HEY, JOHNNY...

DID YOU KNOW THE TINY ISLAND NATION OF TONGA

HAS FIVE NFL PLAYERS, YET ALL OF INDIA NONE?

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE

THEY KNOW OVER 300 SEXUAL POSITIONS.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, PETE.

ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?

NO!

BUT IF I WERE... WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT?

CREEPY.

OH. HEY. WHAT IS... WHAT THE...

HEY! LOOK AT THAT!

THE "KAMA SUTRA." HUH.

NOT ONLY DOES THIS BOOK MAKE A HANDY COASTER,

IT'S ALSO AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO PLEASURING YOUR PARTNER

IN WAYS YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE.

ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?

NO!

NO, NO, NO.

JOHNNY, NO.

I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT

IF I WAS GONNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH ONE PERSON,

I'D WANNA KNOW DIFFERENT WAYS OF, YOU KNOW,

RUNNIN' THE OLD OFFENSE.

PETE, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SHARON AND ME DOIN' IT.

SEE, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME SAY.

JOHNNY, THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKIN' SHARON TO TRY

THE OLD "COBRA IN THE HEN'S MOUTH" POSITION.

YOU DON'T... NO.

YOU DON'T BRING UP KINKY STUFF LIKE THAT.

IF SHE THINKS IT'S WEIRD, THEN FOR THE REST OF OUR MARRIAGE,

I'M KNOWN AS THE... PERVO COBRA MAN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DID... DID SHARON TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANY OF THIS?

WHAT?! NO! NO! GOD!

LOOK, JOHNNY, SHARON WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME

ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.

I DIDN'T SAY "PROBLEMS."

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CALLED MY MOTHER A SHREW.

SHE IS!

AFTER DINNER, SHE TOLD ME SHE ALWAYS COUNTS THE SILVERWARE,

SO IF I WANTED TO RETURN ANYTHING, NOW'S THE TIME.

SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE EMBARRASSED.

BERG, I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING!

YOU CROSSED THE LINE. SHE'S MY MOTHER!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE MY SIDE.

OR MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS.

THIS IS A REALLY UGLY SIDE OF YOU.

WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT A MAMA'S BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? STOP THAT! YOU SAY THAT WORD ONE MORE...

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, RUN AND TELL YOUR MOMMY?

HEY, I DON'T NEED MY MOMMY

TO TELL ME THAT I'M DATING A NUT JOB!

QUIT THAT.

MAKE ME.

I AM SORRY I EVER EVEN MET YOU!

ME TOO!

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

TO PUT ON MY SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIE,

AND YOU BETTER BE READY WHEN I GET BACK!

AND THE FLAME IS LIT.

WOW.

ASHLEY'S REALLY SOMETHIN' SPECIAL.

SHE SURE IS.

LOOK, UH, DON'T TELL MOM,

BUT ASHLEY DIDN'T SLEEP IN THE GUEST ROOM LAST NIGHT.

SHE SLEPT WITH ME.

AFTER ALL THAT NOISE, I WAS HOPING THAT WAS THE CASE.

YOU KNOW, ASHLEY REALLY TEED OFF YOUR MOM.

SHE ENDED UP TAKIN' IT OUT ON ME.

OH, I'M SORRY.

DON'T BE.

WE HAVEN'T FOUGHT LIKE THAT

SINCE THE NIGHT YOU WERE CONCEIVED.

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

GOOD MORNING... TIGER.

GRRRRR.

HIYA, BABY.

GOOD MORNING, MIKEY.

HO! THAT WAS TOO EASY.

BUT THEN AGAIN,

I GUESS THE GIRL IN THE MASCOT SUIT NEVER GETS TO PLAY.

OKAY, YOU WANNA PLAY A LITTLE HORSE?

OR WAIT A MINUTE, SORRY.

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR MORNING CAN OF ENSURE?

OH, SHE'S REALLY MAD. THIS IS GREAT.

I WAS HOPIN' TO GET IN ONE MORE FIGHT

BEFORE YOU KIDS LEFT.

OH, MAN, YOU SOUND EXACTLY LIKE ASHLEY AND ME.

SEE, WE GET VERY, UH, PASSIONATE WHEN WE'RE FIGHTING.

WE WOULDN'T HAVE YOUR OLDER BROTHER

IF I HADN'T TOLD YOUR MOTHER

TO GET HER ASS IN THE KITCHEN AND RUSTLE ME UP SOME DINNER.

SWEET STORY, DAD.

HO! HA HA HA!

DID YOU SEE THAT? I DIDN'T EVEN WARM UP.

YOU CAN QUIT NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE.

NO, NO, I REALLY LIKE YOUR SHOOTING STYLE.

IT REMINDS ME OF NEWSREELS WE USED TO WATCH IN P.E. CLASS.

OH, LOOK, ONE OF US HAS AN "H."

HA HA!

NIKE DOES A COUPLE COMMERCIALS FOR WOMEN,

AND EVERY FLOOZY WITH A SPORTS BRA

THINKS SHE CAN PLAY BALL.

TAKE ANOTHER TURN.

JUST SHOOT THE DAMN BALL.

YEAH, SHOOT THE DAMN BALL, YOU OLD BAG.

SO, UH, DAD, HOW DO YOU GUYS KEEP THE FIGHTING FRESH

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

WE DON'T FIGHT ALL THAT MUCH.

YOU DON'T?

W-WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT FIGHTING?

I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET BORED?

NO, NO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, LAST TUESDAY,

WE WENT DOWN TO THE PARKERS'.

THEY HAVE A SUNFLOWER THE SIZE OF A HUBCAP.

HAD A GREAT TIME.

LISTEN, SON, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU AND ASHLEY,

BUT MY BEST TIMES WITH YOUR MOTHER

ARE THE QUIET MOMENTS.

THEN WHY DO YOU...

WHY ARE YOU TRYIN' TO KEEP MOM MAD?

WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS WANNA MAKE SWEET LOVE.

I'M JUST REMEMBERING

WHY WE STOPPED HAVING THOSE FATHER-SON TALKS.

YOUR TURN.

IS THAT AS HARD AS YOU CAN THROW THE BALL?

NO, NO. I WAS JUST TAKIN' IT EASY ON YOU

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW BRITTLE YOUR BONES MUST BE.

HA HA HA HA.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU REMIND ME OF ME WHEN I WAS 40.

I'M SURE YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED ABOUT A LOT AT YOUR AGE.

MRS. BERGEN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OW.

MRS. BERGEN?

YOU'RE OKAY.

ASHLEY, I'LL START PACKING. YOU JUST RUN.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO. I HAD IT COMING.

WAIT A MINUTE. SHE THREW THAT BALL PRETTY HARD.

DAD!

SHE'S A FIGHTER.

AND YOU NEED A WOMAN LIKE THAT.

LET ME SEE IF YOUR NOSE IS BROKEN.

THANK YOU.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU DO LOOK A LITTLE LIKE MARY TYLER MOORE...

"ORDINARY PEOPLE" MARY TYLER MOORE, BUT STILL...

EXCITEMENT! EXCITE! EXCITING!

EXERCISE! EXAMEN! EX... EXISTENTIAL!

OOH.

WHAT'S THAT SCENT YOU'RE WEARING?

WHO CARES? EXISTENTIAL.

TELL HIM! TELL HIM I DID NOT ASK YOU

TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE.

DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT KNOCKING?

OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. HELLO!

ALL RIGHT, COME IN.

TELL HIM!

THAT'S TRUE.

SHE DIDN'T ASK ME TO TALK TO YOU.

SEE? WELL, I'VE MOVED ON. LET'S GO.

W-WAIT A MINUTE.

THEN WHY DID WATCHING FOOTBALL

SUDDENLY BECOME THE TALK I NEVER HAD WITH MY FATHER?!

WHAT IS SO STRANGE ABOUT TWO GROWN MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL

TALKING ABOUT EASTERN LOVEMAKING TECHNIQUES?!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU GO DISCUSS IT WITH SOME LONGSHOREMEN?

OH, BRING A LITTLE JAR FOR YOUR TEETH.

YEAH, A JAR.

I WAS JUST OFFERING SOME ADVICE.

WELL, WE DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE.

WHAT SHARON AND I DO IN OUR BEDROOM IN THE DARK

AFTER TED KOPPEL IS PRETTY DARN SPECIAL.

YEAH.

OKAY.

DARN SPECIAL.

OKAY.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

SHARON, DID YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH PETE?

I CANNOT BELIEVE NO, NO, NO. OKAY.

BUT I DID NOT TELL HIM TO TALK TO YOU.

YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME.

I BETRAYED YOUR TRUST IN CONFIDENCE.

CAN I INTERJECT?

NO! NO!

WILL YOU DO US A FAVOR?

FOR ONCE, CAN YOU STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS?

STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.

FINE!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT PETE DUNVILLE OVER THE HEAD!

SHARON?

YEAH?

DO YOU REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH WHAT WE DO?

NO, BABY. I LOVE WHAT WE DO.

IT'S GREAT.

WE'VE GOTTEN REALLY GOOD AT IT.

IF ANYTHING, I THINK WE PRETTY MUCH PERFECTED IT.

SO, YOU'RE SAYING YOU WANNA TRY OTHER STUFF?

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU?

IF I SAID I DID, WOULD YOU THINK I WAS A PERVO?

NOT IF YOU WON'T THINK I'M ONE FOR WANTING YOU TO SAY YES.

SO, ARE WE GONNA?

WHY NOT?

WHERE DO WE START?

I DON'T KNOW.

Pete: PAGE 11! AND YOU'RE WELCOME!

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

WE SHOULD SEND YOUR MOM SOMETHING.

YEAH, HOW ABOUT ONE OF THOSE

FTD "SORRY I SMASHED YOUR FACE" BOUQUETS?

FOR A WEEKEND THAT STARTED OUT AS A TOTAL DISASTER,

IT WAS REALLY FUN.

I ESPECIALLY LIKED IT WHEN WE WERE ALL DOIN' THE PUZZLE,

AND MY DAD SAID, "THIS IS PUZZLING."

HA!

AND WE ALL LAUGHED.

ASHLEY, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

YEAH. WHY?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I WAS, UH, TALKIN' TO MY DAD,

AND HE WAS SAYING THAT THE BEST TIMES IN A RELATIONSHIP

SHOULD BE IN THE QUIET MOMENTS.

HE'S RIGHT... LIKE THE OTHER NIGHT.

I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.

WE WERE SITTIN' AROUND, FLIPPIN' THROUGH THE CHANNELS.

YES, YES!

AND I WAS THINKIN' NEXT WEEK,

WE COULD GO IN THE KITCHEN AND WATCH THE TOASTER.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME,

BUT IT SEEMS LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP

IS ONLY REALLY INTERESTING WHEN THERE'S DRAMA.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME AGAIN,

BUT, UH, IT SEEMED TO BE MORE EXCITING

WHEN YOU HATED ME, AND I CHASED YOU.

AND THEN, I HATED YOU, AND YOU CHASED ME.

AND NOW, WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER,

AND EVEN MY MOM LIKES YOU.

WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?

WELL, GOSH, BERG, YOU COULD PUT ON A MOUNTIE COSTUME,

AND I COULD TIE MYSELF TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.

WOULD THAT BE DRAMATIC ENOUGH FOR YOU?

YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT I'M TRYIN' TO SAY.

NO, BERG, I THINK I UNDERSTAND YOU QUITE WELL.

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS YOU LIKE FIGHTING.

YOU LIKE IT WHEN WE'RE AT EACH OTHER.

I DO.

I DO.

I DID.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE.

THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT WHAT MY PARENTS HAVE.

YEAH, AND WHAT'S THAT?

I WANNA BE HAPPY IN THE QUIET MOMENTS.

YEAH, WELL, SO DO I. SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

I'M NOT HAPPY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I AM LEAVING.

DON'T DO THAT.

BERG, WHAT IS THE POINT?

SO YOU CAN SIT THERE WITH ME AND BE UNHAPPY?

ENJOY THE QUIET MOMENTS.

YOU'LL HAVE A LOT OF THEM... ALL TO YOURSELF.

ASH, COME ON!

YOU D... GOD!

I SUBLET MY APARTMENT. I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON?

ASHLEY AND I JUST BROKE UP.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'?

YEAH.

HOW LONG DO YOU NEED BEFORE I START CELEBRATING?

MORNING DEW.

MOUNTAIN MIST.

OOH, OOH. MOUNTAIN DEW! MOUNTAIN DEW!

IN... INNOCENCE.

TRAN... TRANQUILITY.

SER... SERENITY.

TOXIC!