Original subtitles

ASHLEY, COME ON!

GIVE A GUY A BREAK!

THIS ISN'T EVEN YOUR APARTMENT!

COME ON!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

BERG, IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S HOGGIN' THE BATHROOM AGAIN.

I'VE BEEN WAITIN' OUT HERE FOR 25 MINUTES.

ASHLEY!

ASHLEY, YOU CAN SCRUB ALL YOU WANT,

THAT'S STILL YOUR FACE!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON, HONEY?

I'M NOT SURE.

I-I THOUGHT...

THE DOOR WAS JAMMED, AND I THOUGHT...

IT'S A GOOD THING I DIDN'T MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.

OH, GOOD, THE BATHROOM'S FREE.

NO, NO, NO! WAIT! WAIT!

SHARON, WHAT IS THIS?

THERE'S NO BINGO HERE.

OH, SHOOT, THEY MUST'VE CANCELED IT.

HEY, LET'S STAY FOR COUNSELING!

NO WAY.

COME ON, BABY, PLEASE?

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY

THEY'LL LET US HAVE OUR WEDDING HERE.

AND THIS CHURCH IS REALLY SPECIAL TO ME.

IT'S WHERE MY MOM MARRIED MY FAVORITE STEPFATHER.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WASN'T AVAILABLE IN JUNE.

OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THE GOOD NEWS.

THE COUPLE THAT HAD JUNE 24th

WAS TRAMPLED BY A HERD OF SOMETHING IN AFRICA.

SHARON! THEY DIDN'T DIE,

BUT THE CHURCH ISN'T WHEELCHAIR-ACCESSIBLE.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?!

KNOCK, KNOCK.

EXCUSE US, WE'RE WAITING FOR FATHER VITERI.

WE HAVE OUR PREMARITAL COUNSELING SESSION.

WE'RE HERE FOR THE SAME THING.

A SPOT JUST OPENED ON JUNE 24th.

OH, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THE SAME DATE.

ISN'T THAT NEAT?

THAT'S SO NEAT!

Do something!

UM...

THERE'S NO CHANCE YOU TWO ARE GOING TO AFRICA, IS THERE?

WE'VE BEEN THERE ALREADY.

WE DID MISSIONARY WORK LAST SUMMER.

OH!

CRAP! THEY'RE HOLY!

JOHNNY, THEY'RE GONNA TAKE OUR DATE.

COME ON, WE'RE JUST AS GOOD AS THEM.

NO, WE'RE NOT!

WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER IN SIN AND HAVING SEX.

A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM

IS WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY ELBOWS HER IN THE BOOB.

HELLO!

HELLO, FATHER.

GARY, GAIL,

AND YOU MUST BE SHARON AND JOHNNY.

HELLO, I'M FATHER VITERI.

I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE TREAT, FATHER.

WHAT? NOT THE MAPLE BARS.

OH! YEAH!

ARE YOU WORKIN' FOR THE DEVIL?

HE ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

LET'S ALL HAVE A SEAT. LET'S RELAX.

NOW, I AM AWARE

THAT YOU TWO ARE INTERESTED IN THE SAME DATE.

BUT REMEMBER, THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION.

THIS IS RELIGIOUS COUNSELING, AND IT'S ACTUALLY A LOT OF FUN!

NOW, WHO HERE WANTS TO TELL ME

SOMETHING THEY REALLY LOVE ABOUT THEIR PARTNER?

WELL, IT SURE ISN'T SEX!

HEY, BERG.

GUESS WHERE I WAS?

YOU WENT DOWN TO THE GAS STATION TO USE THE BATHROOM.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A HUGE WOODEN KEY IN YOUR POCKET.

MAN, THEY'RE GONNA BE FURIOUS.

I ALREADY LOST THE ONE ATTACHED TO THE HUBCAP.

BERG, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

IF YOU WANTED ASHLEY TO MOVE IN,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK ME?

PETE, IF SHE MOVED IN,

YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

I AM THE FIRST TO KNOW.

SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE.

SHE SLEEPS HERE EVERY NIGHT.

OKAY, I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG,

BUT THAT'S NOT SOMETHING SHE CAN CONTROL.

WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF HER FAMILY IN THE HALLWAY?

WHY DO WE HAVE COASTERS?

AND WHY ARE OUR TISSUES COMING OUT OF A CROCHETED CAT?

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ASHLEY.

YOU THINK SHE'S PUSHY AND MANIPULATIVE.

BUT SHE WOULD NEVER MOVE INTO THIS APARTMENT

WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

HOW ABOUT FORWARDING HER MAIL WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION?

THAT PUSHY, MANIPULATIVE...

DON'T LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT. I WON'T!

SHE CAN'T DO THIS! SHE CAN'T!

KICK HER OUT! NO WAY!

SHE MOVED IN HERE WITHOUT ASKING.

IS THAT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT?

NO.

NO, IT'S NOT.

THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

BE A MAN. STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS.

I COULD DO THAT.

ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE PATHETIC.

YOU ARE RIGHT!

I CAN BARELY STAND TO LOOK AT YOU!

WE'LL HAVE NO MORE OF THAT.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING, RIGHT?

I'M GONNA TELL HER I'VE HAD IT,

AND SHE HAS TO MOVE OUT!

PETE'S HAD IT.

HE WANTS YOU TO MOVE OUT.

WHY IS HE BRINGING THIS UP NOW?

I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE FOR OVER A MONTH.

A MONTH?

ANYWAY, PETE SAID HE'S FINE IF YOU SPEND THE NIGHT,

AS LONG AS YOU, YOU KNOW, LIVE SOMEPLACE ELSE.

I GUESS HE'S JUST MORE COMFORTABLE

WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT HAPPENS IF I GET PETE TO SAY THAT IT'S OKAY

THAT I LIVE HERE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I FOUGHT REALLY HARD FOR YOU.

I ALMOST PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE.

WELL... I THINK I COULD CONVINCE HIM.

THERE YOU GO. THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

NOW I WANNA SEE YOU APPLY THAT ENERGY TO FINDING A NEW PLACE.

OH, FATHER!

IT'S A TRUE STORY!

BUT I DON'T TELL THAT STORY JUST FOR THE LAUGHS.

I TELL THAT STORY TO ILLUSTRATE THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION.

WE FIND THAT MOST MARITAL PROBLEMS CAN BE TRACED BACK

TO A LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

I WAS SAYING EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO SHARON

ON THE WAY TO BINGO.

VERY GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

GAIL, COULD YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE

OF HOW YOU AND GARY COMMUNICATE?

FOR ONE THING, EVERY NIGHT, GARY AND I SET ASIDE AN HOUR

TO TALK ABOUT OUR DAY.

WE CALL IT "SHARE TIME."

SO, DURING SHARE TIME, DOES GARY GET TO SAY ANYTHING?

JOHNNY, COULD YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE

OF HOW A COMMUNICATION MIGHT GO BETWEEN YOU AND SHARON?

OKAY.

UM, WELL, USUALLY I JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT WOULD GET ME INTO THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TROUBLE,

AND I JUST GO WITH THAT.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T DO IT THIS TIME!

LET'S NOT GET INTO A FIGHT, YOU TWO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I LIKE THE WAY THEY BANTER.

A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR

IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP.

JOHNNY AND I HAVE NO PROBLEM COMMUNICATING.

ELABORATE.

WELL, A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THAT WOULD BE THE TIME...

A PERFECT EXAMPLE. WOW, THERE ARE SO MANY!

WELL, JUST PICK ONE.

OKAY, OKAY.

UM, OKAY.

I REMEMBER ONCE MY MOM WAS GOING INTO THE HOSPITAL

FOR AN OPERATION,

AND MY FLIGHT WAS DELAYED HOME UNTIL THE NEXT DAY.

AND I FELT SO SCARED AND HELPLESS, YOU KNOW?

BUT JOHNNY WAS THERE FOR ME.

HE STAYED WITH ME ALL NIGHT AT THE AIRPORT,

AND WE TALKED ABOUT... I DON'T KNOW, ABOUT EVERYTHING.

AND HOW IS YOUR MOTHER?

OH, WONDERFUL.

THEY SUCKED OVER 50 POUNDS OF FAT.

BUT THE POINT IS,

JOHNNY TALKED ME THROUGH ONE OF THE WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.

NOW, THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY.

JUST LIKE A FAIRY TALE.

"DUNVILLE, BERGEN, WALKER"?

SORRY, ASHLEY, BUT YOU'LL BE BUNKIN' WITH...

THE LOCHNESSKIS.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU LIED TO FATHER VITERI LIKE THAT!

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?

THEY WERE LIKE LITTLE CHRISTIAN CON MEN!

BESIDES, WE GOT THE CHURCH.

I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

WHAT?!

I-I JUST... I WANTED TO...

DID I GET MY MAIL?

LET'S JUST KEEP THE DATE, AND I PROMISE

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I LIE TO A PRIEST.

I AM NOT KEEPING THAT DATE,

NOT UNLESS YOU GO AND TELL FATHER VITERI THE TRUTH.

Pete... GET OUT OF MY WAY!

PETE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SHARON, HE'S NOT COMFORTABLE LYING TO CLERGY.

SOME PEOPLE WOULD SEE THAT AS A GOOD QUALITY.

AND BESIDES, THIS IS HIS WEDDING, TOO.

I SUPPOSE.

HELLO, PETER.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

WHAT'S UP?

LET'S BE HONEST.

YOU DON'T LIKE ME AND I DETEST YOU.

YOU DON'T THINK MUCH OF ME AND I THINK YOU'RE A TURD.

YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."

I WANT YOU TO TELL BERG THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE HERE.

YES, AND I WANNA BE A PRETTY BALLERINA

AND DANCE AT THE CZAR'S BALL.

OPEN IT.

WHAT IS THIS?

MY SHARE OF THE RENT FOR ONE YEAR IN ADVANCE.

AND IF YOU DON'T TELL BERG, HE'LL CONTINUE TO PAY 1/2,

AND WITH MY 1/3, YOU'LL ONLY HAVE TO PAY 1/6.

I GET ALL OF IT?

YEAH, AND I GOT IT IN ONES.

IT'S EASIER FOR THE LAP DANCERS.

NOT SO FAST, ASHLEY.

YOU GOT ME TO THE BALL.

NOW, LET'S DANCE.

OKAY.

YOU'VE GOT FIRST PRIORITY WITH THE BATHROOM.

OOH, YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S GOT A GOOD BEAT.

BUT I'M STILL LEANIN' AGAINST THE WALL.

OKAY, I WILL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE NURSE OF YOUR CHOICE.

YOU CAN HAVE A REAL ONE,

OR A GIRL THAT JUST DRESSES LIKE ONE FOR PARTIES.

YOU GOT ME ON THE FLOOR NOW, BUT IT'S JUST... I GET...

I JUST WANT MORE STUFF.

OKAY, FINE. THIS IS YOUR FINAL OFFER.

YOU GOT THE CASH.

YOU GOT THE BATHROOM.

YOU GOT THE NURSE.

AND FOR EVERY THREE TIMES YOU INSULT ME,

I WILL ONLY RETORT TO ONE.

THAT MEANS "RESPOND."

I'M STILL NOT SURE.

OKAY, THIS OFFER'S ONLY GOOD FOR 10 SECONDS.

7, 6, 5, 4... I'LL TAKE IT!

I'D BE A GREAT SENATOR.

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE BERG FOR HIM TO AGREE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THIS MORNING HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THROWING YOU OUT.

NOW I REALIZE I'VE SAID SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG.

THAT JERK!

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, HE WON'T SEE A DIME OF THIS.

FORGET IT.

IF BERG DOESN'T WANT ME HERE, THEN ALL DEALS ARE OFF.

COME BACK CASHLEY... ASHLEY.

I-I JUST... BECAUSE I WAS NERVOUS

ABOUT LOSING THE JUNE WEDDING DATE TO GAIL...

AND WHO KNOWS IF EVERYTHING SHE SAID WAS TRUE?

I MADE UP THAT LITTLE WHITE LIE

ABOUT JOHNNY TALKING WITH ME ALL NIGHT.

IT WASN'T A COMPLETE LIE BECAUSE SOMEONE

REALLY DID STAY UP WITH ME THAT NIGHT,

EXCEPT IT WASN'T JOHNNY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHO DID STAY UP WITH YOU?

A FRIEND OF MINE... PETE.

PETE.

HE'S JUST A FRIEND.

I MEAN, HE DID KISS ME ONCE.

AND HE FLEW TO PARIS BECAUSE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME.

AND I FELT A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR HIM, BUT THAT PASSED.

IS THIS BORING?

NO, NO! I THINK I GOT IT.

YOU TOLD ME THE STORY ABOUT YOU AND ANOTHER MAN

SO THAT I WOULD THINK YOU AND JOHNNY MADE A NICE COUPLE.

IT MADE SENSE AT THE TIME!

SO WE'RE ON FOR THE 24th?

BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT THAT,

I THINK YOU AND JOHNNY

ARE OVERDUE FOR A REAL CONVERSATION.

BUT THAT'S JUST A SUGGESTION, RIGHT?

I DON'T HAVE TO IF I DON'T WANT TO?

RIGHT, ALTHOUGH A MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BASED ON TRUTH.

BUT YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I AM GOING TO HOLD THIS DATE FOR YOU UNTIL TOMORROW.

IF YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE YOU'RE READY TO GET MARRIED,

CALL ME.

WE'RE READY. CALL ME.

ASHLEY?

Ashley: WILL YOU GET THAT? I'M BUSY.

OF COURSE I'M GONNA GET IT. IT'S MY PHONE.

MY HOUSE.

YEAH, HOLD ON.

IT'S FOR YOU.

TAKE A MESSAGE.

CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?

YEAH, OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.

ASHLEY, A GUY NAMED JERRY JUST CALLED.

HE SAYS THE APARTMENT'S YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.

GREAT. I WAS JUST PACKING MY BAGS.

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT WITH PETE? SON OF A...

I'M SORRY, BABY.

THE LEAST I CAN DO IS CALL YOU A CAB,

AND THEN WHEN YOU FINISH UNPACKING,

YOU CAN COME BACK HERE FOR A LITTLE SLEEPOVER?

I'M NOT SLEEPING OVER.

NO, YOU CAN SLEEP OVER.

PETE LOVED THAT.

AW, GEE, BERG, DOES YOUR ARM HURT THERE?

NO.

OW!

PETE TOLD ME THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO LIVE HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

PETE WANTED TO ADOPT A MONKEY AND CALL IT "ASHLEY."

SAVE IT, BERG.

GOD, THIS ISN'T ABOUT PETE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL ME

THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME HERE?

I DID WANT YOU HERE.

I WAS VERY HAPPY WITH YOU LIVING HERE

UNTIL I FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE LIVING HERE.

THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I SHOULD STAY.

YOU MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT.

THIS IS MY APARTMENT

AND I WILL DECIDE WHO LIVES HERE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?

YES, I DO. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

SO THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE.

FINE. I'M LEAVING.

GOODBYE. YES, IT IS!

STOP!

I'M, UH, MAKING ANOTHER DECISION.

I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN WITH ME.

EXCUSE ME?

NOW THAT I HAVE KICKED YOU OUT,

I AM FREE TO INVITE YOU BACK.

YOU ARE NOW LIVING HERE BECAUSE I...

MADE IT SO.

ARE YOU SURE?

YES, I'M SURE.

NOW, I'M FINDING MYSELF QUITE VIRILE,

SO I WANT YOU TO GO THE BEDROOM,

UNPACK YOUR BAGS,

AND WAIT FOR ME TO HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU.

HUH.

I DON'T THINK WE'VE EVER DONE IT YOUR WAY BEFORE.

HEY.

HEY. PERFECT TIMING!

I THOUGHT I'D COOK FOR YOU TONIGHT.

I MADE YOUR FAVORITES.

OH, BEEF STROGANOFF!

OH, SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS.

MY FAVORITE!

SO, I GUESS ALL THIS MEANS YOU DIDN'T SPEAK TO FATHER VITERI.

NO, I WENT.

WE TALKED ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF HONESTY AND FORGIVENESS

IN A RELATIONSHIP.

MAINLY FORGIVENESS.

HE WAS REALLY PUSHIN' THE FORGIVENESS.

SHARON, WHAT IS IT?

YOU KNOW THAT STORY I TOLD FATHER VITERI

ABOUT YOU AND ME STAYING UP ALL NIGHT?

WELL, IT WASN'T MADE-UP.

IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED... BETWEEN ME AND PETE.

I SEE.

ARE YOU MAD?

ME? WHY WOULD I BE MAD?

JUST BECAUSE YOUR EXAMPLE OF ONE OF OUR CLOSEST MOMENTS

HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND ANOTHER GUY?

A GUY THAT WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

DOES HE LIVE ON SOME FAR-OFF CORNER OF THE EARTH?

NO! He's downstairs! Lucky me!

YEAH, WELL, HERE'S THE UPSETTING PART.

THAT WASN'T THE UPSETTING PART?

I HAD SOME FEELINGS FOR PETE, TOO.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT UNTIL AFTER YOU PROPOSED!

SO THAT'S WHY YOU WOULDN'T ANSWER ME?

THAT'S WHY YOU JERKED ME AROUND

WITH THIS "ENGAGEMENT THEORY" GARBAGE?

THAT WAS A LEGITIMATE ANSWER!

AN ENGAGEMENT IS A PROMISE TO BE MARRIED...

JUST STOP.

WILL YOU JUST PLEASE TALK TO ME?

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I TOLD YOU THAT I HAD FEELINGS FOR PETE?!

OR SOMEONE.

NO WONDER I'VE HAD SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE.

YOU HAD SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE?

DROP A BOMB, WHY DON'T YOU?

CAN YOU BLAME ME?

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP,

BUT DO WE TALK ABOUT IT? NO!

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE DOING RIGHT NOW?

STARTING MY HISTORY OF HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE?

WE'RE TALKING! WE'RE COMMUNICATING!

WE'RE REVEALING DEEP SECRETS THAT WILL HAUNT US FOREVER!

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S BETTER THAN NOT KNOWING.

BY ABOUT THIS MUCH.

DO YOU STILL HAVE DOUBTS?

YEAH.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO?

WE'LL KEEP TALKING,

AND EVENTUALLY THEY'LL GO AWAY.

GREAT.

WE'LL WORK ON IT TOGETHER.

All right.

All right? Right.

SO, WHO NEEDS COUNSELING?

WE DO.

BIG TIME.

100, 200, 300.

I WOULD'VE BEEN HAPPY RIGHT THERE.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

400, 500... Berg: PETE.

HEY, LISTEN, UH...

NO, NO, ASHLEY, YOU JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!

I THINK WE HAVE A LITTLE ASHLEY-MONEY ISSUE TO DISCUSS.

OH. LOOK, BERG, I WAS GONNA MENTION...

NO, YOU WEREN'T.

NO, REALLY...

I OWE YOU HER THIRD OF THE RENT.

SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

NO ARGUMENTS.

IT'S JUST THAT MONEY IS SO TACKY.

WAIT, BERG.

THERE IS ONE THING.

THIS DOESN'T REALLY COVER UTILITIES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL EAT IT.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE THE BEST.

BOYS, WE HAVE COMPANY!