Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hey, Cora. What's up?

What's up, Cora?

You look fantastic.

No. You look electric. Electrifying.

You look absolutely electrifying.

Rats.

What's up, Cora?

Kat, please tell me you're not incarcerated.

Not yet, but it's a distinct possibility.

The lifeguard's still here.

And there's a stupid "no bands" sign.

- Oh, no. Disaster. - Mission abort?

This is a finely tuned precision operation.

No abortion.

Distract them with your feminine charms, dude.

Oh, God. Even his muscles have muscles.

All right, I've got to go pick up Cora.

I believe in you, Kat.

I'll text you in, like, an hour.

Stop being so mean.

Cora!

Wow! You look absolutely electrifying.

Oh, God. Do you mean my hair?

I usually blow it out,

but I just could not be bothered tonight.

Oh, well, you look great. Natural curls.

I mean, you electrify the atoms and neutrinos, like, between us.

Like, I can feel it across time and space.

You just give everything a positive charge.

- Are you rolling. - What?

- Are you on Molly? - Oh.

I want some.

Um, no, no.

I'm on a natural high just from being with you.

Um...

Thanks.

Help, help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Okay, okay, cough it out. There you go.

Cough it out. Okay.

- Oh, my God. - There you go.

Take a deep, breathe.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Eight.

All right, let's see if you can try and stand up.

Want me to call your parents or something?

No, no, I'm good, thank you.

Thanks for the rescue.

Are there dolphins in Malibu?

Yes.

- Dolphins are my spirit animal. - Oh, really,

- Mm-hmm. - Mine's an aardvark.

Do they eat ants?

And stop.

All right. I'm going to blindfold.

Dude, uh, I mean, I'm usually down, but, um...

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, this isn't a sexy thing.

It's a surprise, I promise. Okay?

I just need to strap this on you.

And yelp if it gets too tight.

- Aah! - Oh.

- I'm kidding. - Oh. Okay.

We're almost there, okay?

Really close.

I'm so excited.

Oh, me too.

All right, so, okay, step right here.

You can take your blindfold off now.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Cy!

Oh.

Oh, wow! this is a really great prom-posal, dude.

Oh, wow, I'm... I'm flattered. I really am.

But?

Oh, okay.

When I imagine my perfect, magical prom night

a night that I'm going to remember

for the rest of my life, I just...

I just can't imagine you going down on me.

It's a special night.

And I've just always imagined it ending with lady head.

I mean, we wouldn't have to...

Oh, no, it'd have to.

it's a very important part of my prom fantasy.

I'm sorry.

You'll find a girl that you're right for.

I'll call an Uber.

Cy.

What are you doing? You have to get up.

I'm sick, or whatever excuse

seems the most believable.

You think it's terminal?

Hey. You masturbating?

Oh, God, no.

Leave him alone.

I don't think his date went very well.

Oh, women, huh? Yeah. Gotta say.

You know what I don't understand?

Is how could someone not fall, like, totally head over heels,

like, madly in love with my extraordinary,

handsome, amazing, smart son?

She said she couldn't go with me

because she couldn't imagine me going down on her.

Ah. Well, is, uh...

is oral sex this year's prom theme?

Oh, come on, come on!

You have to admit it's a very important aspect

- of lovemaking. - Mom!

I mean, it's true. It really is.

What? What, are you gonna be all Puritan on me?

I mean, my gosh, grow a pair

so we can actually converse like adults.

Right?

And enjoy talking about the very important act

of just human sexuality.

What? I mean, honestly, sweetie,

if I could not appreciate that actual experience with you,

I don't know what I would do.

- Oh, God. Make its stop. - Cy, look at me.

You are the most interesting, kind,

caring kid I've ever given birth to.

And if she can't see that, well, then she's a total idiot.

Well, I'm the only kid you've ever given birth to.

All right. Don't mince words with me, young man.

- Hey! - Oh, yeah.

- Speaking of smarty pants... - Good morning!

- Open it already! - Yeah, I will, I will.

- Come on. - All right.

- Read it, read it. - All right, all right.

Well, I mean, it just says that I've gotten all "A" s.

Oh, no, no! Oh, God.

Okay, okay.

- We're so proud of you. - Thanks.

Mwah!

So, you know how, like, you said that

if I got straight "A" s, you'd get me anything I wanted, right?

Yeah. Not, like, a pony, but yeah.

It's not a pony.

Well, 'cause, like, I have been, like,

putting thought into this.

Like, I'm spending hours and hours contemplating what I want.

And I... well...

this is what I want.

I'd have to do a few procedures first and then...

- What is it, cosmetic surgery? - Why would you want to do this?

Why do you think? It's 'cause I'm hideous.

- What are you talking about? - I'm disgusting.

Honey, you are just extraordinary and amazing.

What are... what... I don't understand.

- You're so unique. I don't... - This doesn't make any sense.

Look at me. My mouth is too small for my face,

and nostrils are asymmetrical.

I've got one eye that's, like, way bigger than the other.

- My face is ugly. - This is not happening. No.

No, absolutely not.

- Wait. - No. No!

All right, it's Kat. I've got to get dressed.

Can you please...?

He gets this from you, you know.

No, I think he gets it from the anonymous donor...

It's always the anonymous donor.

- Please, please. - It's not your perfectionism.

Please tell Kat I said hello. This is crazy.

All right, I will.

And don't ever show me that or go to that place again.

- Hurry up. - Can you please close the door?

No.

You're gonna be fine!

You kinda just turned her into this, like, sexy,

unattainable archetype.

I loved her.

No. No, you didn't.

She's dead to me now.

But you didn't even know her.

I feel like my organs are being ripped through my orifices.

No, the small ones,

- like my urethra. - Oh, gross!

Yeah, no, that's how I feel right now.

Okay, well, I need your lungs to help me practice

for my audition, so let's go.

It doesn't matter how lazy,

stupid, or uncultured you are.

It's like, if you have a pretty face,

people love you.

For example... Chris Newton.

Hiya!

- Wat-sa! - Good, good.

Just make sure you get my tricep on this one.

Yeah, I see it. It's divine.

Hiya!

He's so dreamy.

I'd do him.

Oh, my God! That was totally Tourettic.

- You meant that. - No, no, no.

Only my deepest reptilian brain.

Your reptilian brain is disgusting.

Wait. Oh, my God. You're jelly!

What? No, I'm not. That's preposterous.

- Yeah, you are. - Ah!

You're the boner dude that Cora Davidson said

that she would puke if he ate her peach.

What? Peach? Wait. She didn't say that.

Rad boner, though, dude.

Ow.

- Oh, Cy. - What?

When I imagine my perfect magical prom night,

a night that I'm going to remember

for the rest of my life,

I just can't imagine you going down on me.

- I mean, we wouldn't have to... - Oh, no, it'd have to.

What asshole troll posted this?

You'll find a girl that...

Well, it's kind of an in-involuntary reflex, right?

I mean, you can't control what pops up.

Well, I-I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of.

I mean, it's just, um, I don't have that much experience

with, like...

...or any experience at all, but I don't...

you know, I-I wouldn't feel bad about it.

This is a glitch in the matrix.

- Boner boy! - Oh, my God. I'm in hell.

I feel like I'm gonna puke up my entire soul.

Your entire soul?

Wah-hiya!

Dude, it's the fuckin' boner dude.

Dude, kick his ass. Right now. Go! Go!

- Hiya! - Oh! Oh, you got... oh!

Oh, shit. What the hell? You asshole.

Motherfucker! Oh!

Hey, get off me! What are you doing?

Oh!

- You're the king! - We're dancing!

Yeah! Post it, bro!

So, can you stop acting like an effing idiot, please?

Thank you. Just, you know, up your medication

do Pilates, or something. I don't know.

Have a lovely time in detention.

And you, Mr. Newton,

what's with your stupid karate-chopping videos?

Hiya!

Bro, if I would have gotten suspended,

my mom would have lost her shit.

Yeah, sorry, I kinda lost my shit.

Dude, you got anger issues, man.

- You need to check that shit out. - Yeah. How about you try getting

a video of you passed around around you getting

royally dissed while having an erection?

That's no big deal, bro. Rock the sconge.

- Sconge? - Yeah.

- Boner town, bro. - Geez, man.

Well, gotta fly, Cy.

Oh, shit! Fly, Cy.

He sees the girls, the pee-pee gets high.

- I saw your video. - Okay, it's not mine.

And, also, why do people think it's, like,

okay to come up to me and tell me that they've seen

something super private and totally mortifying?

And, also, it's just a stupid erection, okay?

Like, so, come on. Who doesn't get one?

Shh!

I-I don't... get them.

I mean, I guess there's, like, such thing as a lady boner,

but...

I'm sorry. It's been a long day.

I'm Cy.

I'm Roxy, and I'm sorry,

I probably came off like such a dick just now.

You're new, right?

It's my first day.

Wow. Super auspicious start.

Nice job lending in detention on day one.

Seriously, you're my hero.

Oh, well, I saw you jump on that gorilla.

Why did they threw you in here?

I was ranting about "1984" being an inherently sexist text.

I guess that that was, uh, disruptive.

So they tossed me in this gulag.

"1984" is sexist?

Yeah. Look.

You ready?

"The improvement in her appearance was startling.

With just a few dabs of color in the right places,

she'd become not only very much prettier,

but above all, far more feminine."

He's saying that we need capitalism

because it allows, even encourages, women

to paint their faces to be more desirable to men.

In fact, like, he's saying that that's what makes them women.

It's a great book in many ways.

But let's just be conscious of inherent gender bias.

- Wow. - When I imagine...

Cy, this really sucks.

Do you realize this is gonna be on here

until the Internet breaks?

It's up to, um, 232,000.

You'll find a girl that you're right for.

What are you still doing here?

Oh, well, it's always so depressing

when you get released from jail

and, like, no one's there to meet you.

- Mm. - I hate that.

Hi. I, uh...

you guys are so, like... like the...

I am Roxy. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Oh, hi. Yes, I am Kat.

- I like what you're wearing. - I like your skirt.

- Oh, thank you. I... - Jinx.

- I made it myself. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- I made this, too. - Ah!

Yeah.

All my clothes are made by Bangladeshi children.

- Okay. - That was... all right.

- Um... - I'll see you guys later.

- It was nice to meet you. - Yeah. Here.

- My lady. - Thank you.

Those were for me, but okay.

You could have offered her a ride.

I'm already enough of a pariah.

I'm not gonna embarrass myself further.

Ooh! Frosty!

Icy!

Hello.

My magical skateboard never lets me down.

- Oh. - Just led me straight to you.

I'm soy Chris, señorita.

Just learned that in that Spanish class.

Cool.

Um... hiya!

- Right? - Hmm?

I'm the guy! I'm the guy from the videos.

- I do the "hiya" videos. - The... I don't...

You have to have seen the videos.

- No, I... - You've never seen the videos?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, shit! Oh!

- You okay? - Yeah, I just hit my face.

I think you might need to nurse me back to health.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, um, maybe... maybe your your comrades could babysit you.

Listen, the only baby here is you, babe,

as in a, "Hey, baby, you're a babe" way.

- Wow. - You are a babe.

- Wow. That was, um... - Smooth?

That was really smooth, Soy Chris, yeah.

What bad '90s song was that from?

It's not. It's all me.

- What else you got? - Uh...

I'm a... um...

Yeah, you should expand your repertoire, dude.

Wh... don't bounce yet, don't bounce yet.

Okay, give me one reason.

I want to do a 720 gazelle flip for you. Watch.

Look, Chris, I'm not trying to be an ass...

Just wait. Just wait. Watch, watch, watch.

- Wow! - Whoo!

- Pretty dope, huh? - That was, um...

- Pretty cool, huh? - That was really impressive.

You sure you haven't seen any of my videos?

- I haven't. - Some of them average

like 250,000 views. That's like a million people.

That is like a million people. That's rad, yeah.

- You should probably, um... - You have to have heard of me!

...re-crunch your numbers, though, man.

Let me take you out. We could...

I don't know, bowl or some shit.

- "Bowl or some shit"? - Huh? You bowl?

Um, no. Look, you seem like a, uh,

a really swell guy, but I'm just not interested.

- In-Interested in me? - Yes.

Well, what are you interested in?

Um, art, reading, women's rights.

I'm actually trying to get into a good college

so I can make this, like, a less-shitty planet.

Well, I mean, I like planets, too.

Like, I don't want a shitty planet.

Right. I'm...

I spent a summer building houses in Vietnam for poor people!

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

She said no, bro.

Damn.

You want to... you want a hug?

No, I don't want a hug!

We're at a skate park, man.

What are you thinking?

All right, fine, bro.

Oh, easy.

- Hiya! - Aaaah!

Whoa, bro,

I totally shut down your sexy me time.

- No, you didn't, no, you didn't. - I did.

Yeah, you got the music going...

- No, no, no, no. - ...you go the shirt off.

- I see... - Hey, boys.

Do you two want some couscous?

No, that's gross, Mom.

- Okay, thank you. You can go. - All right, privacy time.

- Have fun, friends. - Have fun. Have a great night.

Okay.

Dude, you have two moms? Those are your moms?

- Yep. - No way!

I mean, that's... that's totally fine.

- Like, it's cool. - Oh, yeah.

I'll tell them that you're cool with it.

Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, if you don't mind me asking, who's the man?

There is no man, dumbass. That's the point.

Right, right. Um...

So, you're, like, into, like, art and culture and stuff?

And stuff.

Think we could go for a walk or something, man?

I'm getting all twitchy.

Bro, I'm super into her.

She's into art and books and shit.

- She should date me, then. - Bingo, dude.

I just have to look like I'm into art and culture.

So, what if I get a smart, artsy dude to run my social media

so it looks like I'm down with that shit?

- You want me to be you online? - Yes, bro!

You blow her away with how dope "my" brain is,

I swoop in IRL and seal the deal!

All right? I mean, we both do what we're gifted at, all right?

You got the brains, I got the endless charm.

Dude, you've seen too many movies.

IRL, this kind of thing never works out.

- What's this? - My offer.

Why are there so many zeros?

What can I say, bro?

You know what's out there. Sheer lameness.

Right? They want more.

They're diggin' my hiya.

Wat-sa! Ooh-hoo-hoo!

You weren't ready for that, were you?

Jesus. Fuck.

Whatever, bro.

Let me know if you change your mind.

Dude.

Shit!

Oh.

Say hello to your new digital self.

So, we're gonna do this social platform by social platform.

By the time we're done, Roxy is gonna be all over you.

- Hoo-Hoo! Make my nerdy, Daddy. - All right.

So, first, we're gonna have you follow people

who make you look smart.

Who do you follow right now?

Rob Gronkowski, Kanye,

Bruce Lee, for obvious reasons.

Wat-sa!

Um, my bros and my little sister.

She's super woke for being 6, bro.

Okay, from now on, we'll have you follow

scientists like Neil deGrasse Tyson,

Stephen Hawking, Jane Goodall,

philosophers and activists like Cornel West, Slavoj Zizek,

and, um, Lena Dunham for some third-wave feminism.

- Ugh! - I'm sorry.

You'll also be following celebrated writers

like Joan Didion, Roxane Gay.

You said "Gay," bro.

Ooh!

Oh.

"The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding."

Leonardo da Vinci.

Damn, bro.

And that's why I won the Oscar.

All right, let's post a pic of you at an exhibit

- at an art museum, all right? - Let's do it, bro.

You're high-tech, brah.

Hey, that Vietnam thing I did... I actually did that, so...

- Smile. - Okay.

How's the bicep, bro?

Shadows?

- Huh? - Mm-hmm.

All right, now let's put you in the Louvre.

- Okay. - Looking at art.

Looking at the "Mona Lisa."

Ah! Check it out!

You're in the Uffizi Gallerie now.

Yep, that's a real Uffizi face.

All right, let me see, dude.

No, no, no, no. Dude, we gotta do these again.

Look at my chin. Higher angles.

Okay, all right. Okay. All right.

- All right. All right. - All right, all right.

All right.

- Do you need to get that? - Yeah, dude, hold on. Sorry.

Ugh.

- Yo! - Bro.

What about "TTYL" do you not get?

I just though we could go to the beach,

get some savage shots of us surfing!

Smack the lip. Wa-pah!

Dude, I can't be myself anymore, all right?

I told you... I'm gotta be a kook now.

Yeah, but I just thought that we...

Don't be thirsty!

All right? It looks bad.

And I ran out of my deodorant, so can you get me my regular?

Thanks, bro.

Sorry, bro. Are we... are we good here?

Yeah, so any time you're at a poetry reading

or an art installation, just take a snap,

and then talk about, like...

Bro, that sounds like a lot of work.

Well, I mean, you could just give me your password,

and I can just go myself.

So you can hack me and steal my identity?

Like what you're paying me to do?

- No, bro, not happening. - All right, fine.

Run Snapchat yourself. Let's talk about Facebook.

Ugh!

All right, no, I can't... I can't go on.

Chris Newton asked you to pretend to be him online,

and you're just not concerned?

Well, what should I be concerned about?

How about he's secretly involved in a bet

to see if he can make the nerdy kid popular?

Like that would be the end of the world?

I mean, it's gonna end with you onstage,

covered in pig's blood,

just without the telekinetic powers.

Why am I the female character in this scenario?

- I don't know. - Whatever.

Practice, or else you're not gonna get in,

and instead of Carnegie Hall, you'll be an old lady

playing to a house full of cats.

Thanks. That helps.

I'm nervous!

Look, you'll be fine. Don't worry.

I'll be there.

- Okay. - Also, like...

do you really think that it's impossible

that I may have some traits

that people might be envious of?

Yeah, some people. Sure.

But Chris Newton?

Why would Chris Newton want to seem more like you?

Because it will help him get to Roxy faster,

'cause apparently I'm just her type,

except from my head, face, and body.

Oh, okay, so you're catfishing the poor girl.

Uh, no, I wouldn't call it that.

Oh, really? I would call it that,

'cause that's, like, exactly what you're doing.

- What? No. - Okay, you know what?

No, I'll put you in your misery 'cause you're suffering.

No! Stop it.

I'm a social media consultant It's what celebrities have.

Chris is a YouTube celebrity.

Okay, okay.

So I'm a celebrity consultant online.

Ah.

Ugh.

I'd love to keep wasting time

discussing your bizarre personal problems,

but it's eating into my silent disco break.

It's not a silent disco if there's only one participant.

Oh, sure.

That's how you dance?

- Hi, sweetie. - Hey, sweetie, what you doing?

- Nothing. - What you looking at?

- Were you looking at porn? - What? No.

You know, having a healthy sexual appetite

is actually awesome. It's just, if you're gonna

look at porn, you need to be aware of the exploitation.

I'm gonna send you some ethical sites.

- Okay, I'm looking at a girl. - Oh!

- Jesus. - Oh, my gosh.

She is just drop-dead hot.

- That's really gross, Mom. - No, I'm just noticing.

I mean, look at her. She's just beautiful.

- Ugh. - She's so pretty.

- You gonna ask her to prom? - No, I'm not.

I'm not asking her to prom.

No, she wouldn't go with me. Not with how I look.

Honey, what are you talking about?

- That's crazy. - How do we explain this to you?

- You are perfect. - Absolutely perfect.

Okay, look, I love you guys, but that's really hard

to take to heart coming from my moms.

You know what? For a kid who's raised by lesbians,

you know startlingly little about women, okay?

She's a person. She is a real, live person.

Instead of just thinking what girls want,

you know, you have to know what girls... blank.

You have to learn about this woman.

Can I have my room back now?

- Yes. - Hmm.

Stop!

Bro, this place smells like ass cheeks and Hot Cheetos.

Well, Roxy loves this place. All right?

So let's just get you on Snapchat

saying something interesting about the DJ.

All right.

Yo, what up, Hiyas?

We out here at some stanky-ass club listening to

some skinny kids on laptops play some weird-ass beats!

It's gonna be lit.

Stop. Dude, I ran out of time.

All right, now try talking about

how the music makes you feel.

Remember, this is not Coachella after dark.

Bro, I can see that.

Yo, I just got to say, TBH!

These beats is illin'!

They got the potench to burn this club up!

- Think that was it, dude. - Mnh-mnh.

What? Bro, is how I feel not up to your standards?

Okay, so the music that they're playing right now

is like an intellectual take on electronic music.

Every bros says that these beats are illin'.

Try talking about, like, the instrumentation

and the unique rhythms or how a hook, like, grabs you

and triggers a long-lost memory, like, how that makes you feel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, cool, cool.

- Okay. - Yep. Got you.

Yo, these legit-as-shit beats are making me think of

this one time I was on Lake Michigan.

I was 11 years old.

I had just learned how to wakeboard.

I was nervous.

I wiped out so bad that I had to go to the E.R. by...

You know what? Let's just get a pic of you

and then call it a night 'cause this place fucking sucks.

- Bro, bro. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- How's the bicep, bro? - Uh, looking good.

Hiya!

Okay.

All right, one more. Nice.

- What? - Oh, shit, bro. She's here.

Get down. She's gonna see me.

No, dude, stay down.

She looks like a robot with epilepsy.

We're gonna have to hide out here

till the end of the night, bro.

Shouldn't you go talk to her, man?

No, dude, I can't talk to her. Stay down, please?

- That's why we came here. - I will hurt you.

I mean, I won't hurt you.

Listen, we gotta get out of here, bro.

We have to escape. Put these on.

What? Why is this...

Dude, just shut up! Just shut up!

Bro, you have two pairs of sunglasses?

- Yeah, whatever. - Ugh.

Let's go. Yeah. This way. This way.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Myself isn't good enough, bro.

No, it totally is, man.

You're handsome, you're cool,

you're... you're fucking awesome.

And, oh, my God. I should like my mom.

She looks at me like a little turd, bro,

You know what?

Have you ever been to OG Gallery?

It's a cool art gallery.

And they've got a lot of, like, cool showings and stuff.

And she has a lot of check-ins there.

There's an opening tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure she'll go.

- You know what, bro? - What?

I'm gonna give you my password,

- and you're gonna go for me. - What is it?

- You're not gonna tell anybody? - I'm... no.

Look at me in the eye, bro.

- I'm never gonna tell anyone. - Okay.

It's "chrisnewton."

- Like, that's it? - Yeah, dude.

Like, all lower case?

"chrisnewton," lower case, that's it.

- Any numbers? - No, bro, "chrisnewton."

That's your password for which account?

Shut up!

Oh, shit, bro!

You can't put this artist's work into words.

Oh, hey, Roxy.

Were you at El Enfermo last night?

No, never heard of it.

There are some really cool pieces here.

Yeah, I'm taking an art class at the community college,

and my professor showed me this place.

It's really cool, and they really focus on,

like, up-and-coming artists.

Honestly, I hang out here all the time

because I'm hoping they'll show my art someday.

Good strategy.

Hmm.

You know, my friend Chris Newton

told me about this artist.

Chris Newton?

Yeah.

"Hiya" Chris Newton knows what art is?

He's actually kind of a Renaissance man.

Oh, so he's just disguised as a douche?

Yeah. No.

Um...

You know what? Here.

You might want to just look at his online stuff.

It gives you a way better idea of what he's like as a person.

- Mm. - Honestly...

- try and keep this on the DL. - Okay.

He is painfully shy around intelligent, beautiful women.

Get out of town.

No, like, his brain, like, freezes up

and then his mouth gets all dry.

And then there's the Tourette's.

Tourette's? He has Tourette's?

- Mm-hmm. - Really?

Yeah.

I didn't know.

I kind of feel like an asshole now.

Well, I mean, you probably still have a chance.

Try maybe speaking with him in person.

Uh...

See you, Cy.

Bye.

Ugh.

Bro! She did it.

Roxy... she followed me on Picto-Stache,

and she double clicked your boy!

- Okay, okay, calm down. - Maybe I should like

a few of her posts right now, just so she knows

- that I saw it, right? - No, no, no, no.

- We don't want to seem thirsty. - What the shit, bro?

- Give me my phone back. - It's my phone, dude.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I gotta let her know

that I saw it, bro. I gotta...

- Shit, dog. - What?

Oh, shoot, oh, shoot.

I think she's FaceTiming me, bro.

- Why is she FaceTiming me? - Dude, answer it.

Okay, every time she asks you a question,

just freeze like there's bad Wi-Fi,

- and I'll feed you lines, okay? - Bro, that's your genius plan?

Oh, I'm sorry. Hold on.

Let me just come up with like 12 more ideas

so we can focus-group them and figure out which one is best.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Sup?

Hi, Chris. How goes it?

Oh, it's going. How's it going? It's going.

Are you... did you... I think you're frozen.

Say there's bad Wi-Fi. It's worse than the time

you were in Vietnam building houses for poor people.

- Actually, I can't... - Sorry, this Wi-Fi sucks.

I mean, it's almost as bad as when I was in Vietnam

building houses for poor people.

Oh, you were... you were in Vietnam?

You were building houses for poor people?

Yeah, it's badass.

- Uh, what are you doing? - What am I doing?

I, uh... I'm just chillin. You look really hot.

- What. I look hot? - Tell her her face is so hot

that... that... that it melts even the coldest night

because of the radiance of its glow.

Are you... you're frozen again.

I meant to say that's your your face is so hot

it can melt the coldest of nights

- with the radiance of its glow. - Mm.

You're a bit of a charmer, aren't you?

Oh, well, what can I say? You must bring it out in me.

Well, should we see if you can be this charming in person?

Yeah, sure, yeah, I'll pick you up soon.

Yeah? Okay. All right, see you tonight.

Bye.

Oh, my God, dude! We did it!

- What?! - No, no, no, no.

Dude, what's wrong with you, man?

We just got you a date. You should be ecstatic!

Bro, I don't know what I'm gonna say!

I'm gonna be there by myself. Oh!

- Shit, shit, shit. - Oh! I'm not ready.

- Oh, shit. - Ohhhhhh!

Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. Look, look, look.

Look what I have. Look what I have.

- Dude, dude, look! - What, bro?

It's a Bluetooth! We can talk on the Bluetooth!

- Ohh! Secret agents, bro! - Yeah!

Hell yeah, you fucking nerd!

Check this out.

Whoa!

Just like that.

You just happen to have a fake cast?

Bro, chicks love it.

You're certifiable, man.

Huh. Thanks, dude. You, too.

How did you break your arm?

Oh, I was skateboarding.

- I'm so sorry. - That's okay.

It's just super tender right now.

- Unbelievable. - Well, at least you got

- a lot of signatures. - Yeah.

- ...quickly. - I'm a pretty popular dude.

Okay, so her shirt looks like it could have been

made by this Japanese artist who's obsessed with polka dots.

Her name is Yayoi Kusama.

Your shirt is great.

- Yay-Yay Kusumi, right? - Uh, Kusama. I... yeah.

- I love her. - Kusama.

- Yeah. - Me too.

Oh, did you see her exhibit at the Broad?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Well, actually I caught it on YouTube.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

So while it still resonates today...

its tropes feel dated from when Kerouac wrote it.

Well, I still kind of love it.

I find it sexy and romantic.

Yeah, imagine how zietgeisty it felt reading it back in 1957.

Imagine how zietgeisty it felt reading it back in 1957.

Hmm. I can't imagine.

Are you... are you more of Dean or a Sal?

Well, Marylou, what do you think?

Well, Marylou, what do you think?

Tell her she has the kind of beauty

that inspires great works of art to be made.

Hey.

Your beauty just inspires great works of...

Ah, shi...

Wait. Hey, wait a second, You can't do that.

That's my phone. Hey, give it back!

What are you doing?! Hey, wait, wait, wait.

- Um, yeah. - Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. It's just, like, a sudden pain.

But what were we saying? What was I saying?

- Um... - You're beautiful.

And art's beautiful.

So you're beautiful art.

Thank you.

Wait.

- Are you feeling better? - Yeah.

- You have a... - What are you doing?

I'm, um... I'm... I can palm read.

- Oh. Oh. - Yeah.

Check this out. You, um...

You've experienced some loss.

Mm. Haven't we all?

Um...

Oh, it was your dad?

Um, you have a very strong lifeline.

Mm.

And, uh, your love line...

you need a guy who, like... gets the whole you.

Mm.

It's a very cute party trick.

- It's good, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all right.

What are you...

This is another part of it.

Okay. Okay, my turn.

I'm gonna ask you some questions.

Seriously, do you...

Oh, this is gonna sound mean.

Do you ever feel schizophrenic,

like stuck between your douchebag school persona

and the, like, cultured real you?

You know, you just... you got to go with the flow, right?

If you don't break you'll bend.

You can't make a horse drink water, right?

Um, sorry. I'm just really curious.

Do you... do you feel a need to, like, be seen

by a lot of people to be validated,

like that's why you do your videos and stuff?

'Cause you seem like you're actually really sensitive.

You're saying I'm sensitive.

Oh, no, no, no. I meant that... I meant that as a good thing.

I... I've won Homecoming King three times in a row.

The third time I was disqualified for being wasted.

I have 347,000 followers who watch every dope thing I do.

I'm savage, okay?

I'm not some sensitive chick, who...

No, no, no, okay. Yeah I get it.

Yeah, it was meant to be a compliment.

- What? Sensitive? - Yeah.

I'm not gonna be some sensitive...

That just...

Dude!

- I can explain. - You're a dick.

- No. - I cannot believe that

I actually felt sorry for you,

Like, I felt sorry for your fake broken arm

and your stupid skateboarding accident.

- My body has Tourette's, too. - Your body has Tourette's?

Yeah, that's a thing. Yeah.

Wow! I...

I can't believe that I thought I could have a real conversation

with someone who karate chops innocent people all day.

- That was stupid - I'm changing my channel, okay?

It's gonna be life-changing life acts from now on,

and I'm gonna be doing stuff for, like, cologne for guys

and how to get ripped abs, shit like that.

Oh, that's brilliant. You should... that's brilliant.

Where are you going? Roxy, wait, Roxy!

Yo, seriously, like, leave me alone, okay?

Good morning, LCH High!

It's six days until senior prom.

Have you found your better half yet?

If not, remember, you only get one or two proms a lifetime.

Hey, Kat, what about you?

Have you found your special someone?

Oh, well, prom's an archaic heteronormative perpetuating

sexist mating ritual that's outlasted its necessity.

It's patriarchal and quasi-fascist.

Well, it makes great content. Keep it up.

Where did you hear that from?

Yo mama!

No, seriously, Sarah's been giving me some,

like, really engaging books to read.

- Psst! Cy! - Fuck.

- Gotta deal with Chris. - Cy!

- Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming. - Okay.

I need to talk to you.

I'm really sorry about last night.

However, I think we've set you up good.

Just a little more effort, we can finish strong, no problem.

No, I screwed up pretty bad, man. What are we gonna do?

We? Uh, I got her to go on a date with you.

- That was the deal. - Seriously, bro?

Dude, that date was the ultimate fail, man.

Don't you give up on me, bro.

I at least want her to go to prom with me, all right?

- Help. - I don't know.

- A week isn't enough time. - I will double your money.

Double.

So, if I get her to go to prom with you, we're square?

We're square, dude, but we're better than square.

We're, like... we're rectangle,

whatever shape is the dankest, bro!

But don't... you can't bribe her, okay?

- I won't. - Deal?

That's a deal.

Dude, your hands are soft, bro.

- Dude, stop, man. - Nice.

I've got class.

"When I'm with you,

I feel like I'm evaporating.

You're so beautiful.

I am diminishing

like I'm nothing in your presence.

There aren't many things in this world that are that perfect.

Your perfection magnifies my flaws.

I hope you accept this sincere apology

for my ludicrous, inappropriate behavior.

Please give me another chance to prove myself

worthy of your affections.

Forever yours, Cy."

I meant Chris.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Fuck!

Agh!

Roxy!

What are you doing?

Oh, th-they're just pebbles.

Well, first of all, that's the wrong window.

And who throws pebbles anymore?

Seriously, off my fucking property.

Want to come in?

Come on. Just climb through the window, yeah?

Oh, you got it?

Yeah, I got it.

That's graceful.

Sorry to pop up like that,

but it's kind of an emergency.

Why are you whispering?

Oh, your parents.

Oh, my mom's at a fundraiser

for saving rhinoceroses.

Oh. Also, wait.

Isn't it "rhinoceri"?

You're not... I...

What's your emergency?

Oh, I came to talk to you about...

for, uh, about... giving Chris another chance.

Ooh! Out, out the way you came in.

Hey, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He feels terrible, okay?

He was... he was super, super nervous, all right?

He would do anything to make it up to you.

He wore a fake cast.

Like, he's a liar and probably a sociopath.

Yeah, but kind of a hot sociopath.

Oh. Why don't you date him?

Okay, wait. When you think of it like this,

it's actually kind of brilliant, what he did.

He designed an elaborate,

sympathy-inducing contraption, all because he was afraid

that just him on his own wasn't enough.

Really, it's sadly admirable.

I don't even know what to say to him.

Oh, just give me your phone, I'll just text him for you.

Nope. Actually...

I have a project.

Be my assistant?

Sorry if I interrupted your night.

Nope, I was just ordering leather to make leather pants.

I have no idea how you, like, survive in that stuff.

I don't know. It's pretty comfortable.

- Oh, shit, shit! - What?

I need to, um...

Sorry. I need to borrow your phone.

- And I have to text my moms. - Oh.

They freak out if they don't know exactly, like,

everything about where and when I'm at.

Yeah, parents are... parents are terrible.

Yeah, and I'm just a little too lazy to go back inside...

- Right. - ...to get my phone.

All right.

What are you doing?

- Sorry. Bad Wi-Fi. - Okay.

- Dude, are you in my photos? - No, I'm not.

There's nothing in there, like...

I know, I know, I know. Just...

I don't have nudes. I don't do that.

Ahhh.

- Okay, all right. - You did it?

- I'm good. Here. - Thank you.

Yeah, just feel like a weight's been lifted off your shoulders?

- You have no idea. - Yeah. Here.

Thanks.

All right.

- Are you ready? - I don't know. Am I?

Hmm.

What are you thinking?

No, I'm just... I'm looking. It's cool.

Thank you.

What's that one?

Oh, just a piece of working on.

It shows how we use social media to lie and distort reality.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

You were saying?

I was just saying that, you know,

we doctor our photos before we put them online.

And, you know, if you strip away all the filters and the makeup,

that's where you get the truth.

Yeah, feels like my life.

It's all our lives.

We're all hyper-self-conscious

and feel inadequate, like, all the time.

- It's awful. - Yeah, I can relate.

How so?

Mm.

You know, like this.

Your face? What about your face?

Well, I mean, you know, it's got a lot of flaws.

Like what?

It's stupid.

It's not stupid.

Okay.

Your eyes are piercing, deep, volatile.

Your nose is the mark of a witty,

courteous, affable,

generous, and liberal man.

Your chin is goofy, spontaneous,

light, and obviously adorable.

You've got very rosy cheeks. That's also very adorable.

Mm. I made you smile.

It's not perfect, but perfect's boring.

So, no.

I don't know what flaws you're referring to.

I-I have to go now.

Thanks for the water.

So, does Chris know about

your extracurricular activities?

Mm.

You don't actually like her, do you?

No, come on.

You do! You like her!

- No, I don't, no. - Yeah, I can tell.

That's ridiculous.

You're avoiding eye contact with me.

That's 'cause I'm awkward.

No, I can tell every single time you've had a crush on a girl

since, like, fourth grade.

Yeah, you get this whole...

wistful thing about you.

That's what you look like.

Whatever.

All right, I got you a present.

It's... no.

Wait, no.

It's a rhino.

I had a dream that you were a rhino,

'cause you kind of look like one.

How?

I think it's, um...

like, the mouth area.

I mean, look at this and then your mouth.

Can't really see my mouth.

Rawr!

Cy, okay, listen.

This is an ESZ,

- an emotional safe zone, okay? - All right.

Feel free to express any and all emotions

within the parameters of this ESZ.

Stop.

Where did you get that from?

My therapist.

Oh, well, I actually really like our place,

and I don't want to tainted with the stench of emotions.

Emotions don't smell.

Okay.

I mean, feel free to be a festering ball of repression.

Just remember, my audition is next week.

Hey, don't worry. I'll be there.

Pinkie promise.

- I'm gonna hold you to it. - Okay.

- You gonna hold him to it, too? - Yeah.

Just like you want Roxy hold against your body

but you pop a trom-boner.

Ah, kids, get off my roof!

Oh, shit!

- Hiya! - Oh.

- Hiya! - Keep it loose.

It's all, like... I mean, you're perfect.

Fuckin' crazy!

- Hiya! - Yeah.

What the hell, brah?

You're aping my skeeze!

Hold on, man. I'm filming.

Take a five-minute break, bro?

Alex, what the heck are you doing, brah?

What does it look like we're doing, man?

We're showing "Hiya" videos.

- That's my thing. - It was your thing.

Now it's Trent and my's thing.

Your social media is lame, man. Your fans are bored.

You're losing your influence.

How dare you stick my brand on some knockoff loser?

Whoa!

Sorry, bro. You're pretty savage.

He's savage. The audience is hungry.

And if your feed isn't supplying the audience with what it wants,

someone else's feed will.

Just give me a couple of days to just get Roxy

to go to prom with me, then I'm back in business, bro.

You don't have to do all this.

The feed waits for no man.

All right, Trent, from the top.

Let's go. Thunder.

Hiya!

You know, when I've left "Hiya" videos in my dust,

and I'm making life-changing like-hack videos,

you won't be laughing!

Don't throw your churro at me, you dick!

I will throw what I want at you!

Dude, have even been reading the comments, man?

- No? - I...

"Lame"

"Nerd AF," bro.

"Kill it before it lays eggs."

That is how you smoke a cigarette

in a bathroom stall.

Chris. Hiya! Or whatever.

Now, the LCH bros are wondering,

who are you taking to prom?

Well, LCH bros,

I haven't really figured that out yet, but...

No one, huh? Seems like the rumors are true.

Well, you heard it here...

Delete it.

I would like to know...

I said, bro, delete it.

- Do it, bro. - Yes, yes, yes, okay.

Fascist.

You shouldn't film shit in the bathroom, bro.

Haven't you heard of freedom of the press?

Freedom of the bathroom, dude.

I'm gonna tell everybody you're a pervert.

I am not a pervert.

I am a content creator.

And one day you will work for me.

Bro, get out of here!

There's got to be a bunch of laws against that, right?

There's got to be.

Why hasn't there been any Roxy updates?

Look, dude, romance takes time.

Dude, she... she makes me feel like my heart's on fire,

like everything's on fire.

But I've got this reputation to protect,

and I got fans to please, and right or wrong, bro,

they hate this cultured shit, so we to wrap it up fast.

Do you have a projector?

Roxy!

It's me!

- What? - Hey! Come here.

Come out. Look.

- Oh, boy. - Come see, come on, come out.

- Come here. - Okay.

- Yeah, come here. - Mm-hmm.

Okay. Look.

"The real Chris."

"Hates pasta.

Is terrified of snakes."

- I... I can read. I... - Okay.

Just her music, though, like...

- Right. - Yeah.

Francis... it's creative, right?

- It's cute. - Thanks.

"Loves sunrises over lakes."

That's where I learned to wakeboard.

Mm. That's cool.

That's... that is true.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

It's a good place to start. Yeah.

Yeah? Okay, good.

I, um...

I really made a mess the other night.

I mean, Fukushima was a mess.

You just kind of dropped your fake cast.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry, Roxy.

Mm-hmm. Do you want to...?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah? Oh.

- Uh, just... okay. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Shit.

"Thanks for understanding that

I didn't want to take it too far, Chris."

"Well, you're an incredibly special girl... person...

and I'm cool with waiting."

"Well, thank you for respecting my girl person-ness."

"Why are you still up?"

"Can't sleep. Wanna talk?"

"With you? Always."

Cool.

You have a very weird brain.

I like to see what's in it.

So, did you know about the jellyfish

that's biologically immortal?

You know, if... if that's true...

...in that tiny change...

- Hey, Roxy? - Yeah?

Is there any possible reality where

you might wanna go to prom with me?

Yes.

"I'd love to, Chris."

All right, which brings us to a Miss Katherine Walker.

Is that correct?

Yes, thank you.

Hi, Ms. Walker. Welcome.

What will you be playing for us today?

Uh, the "Morceau Symphonique" by Alexandre Guilmant.

Very ambitious. Uh, well, give it a shot.

- Go ahead. - Okay.

Uh, can I just try it one more time?

Ms. Walker...

Please?

No.

Let's go, let's go!

Hey!

I'm in love with her.

And I'm gonna tell her, like, tonight.

I'm so happy for you.

What? No, "This is a huge mistake"?

Or, "This is gonna ruin your life utterly and completely"?

No, no, you do you, okay?

What's wrong with you, man?

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?

You forgot about my audition, Cy.

- I had to do it alone. - What?

Oh, no, no, no. No way. I didn't.

W-W-What?

Clearly, your little catfishing love triangle

is your one and only priority.

And since you're always so desperate for my advice

regarding your pathetic charade, here it is.

Go ahead, tell her the truth.

Look at me!

Either she'll never believe you,

or she'll be so embarrassed and mortified

that you manipulated and lied to her,

she'll never believe you anyway.

God. It's all bullshit!

You decided to live in this, like, weird fantasy world and...

I just thought you were different.

Obviously, I was wrong.

You're a phony, Cy,

just like everyone else.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

- My honesty? - Yeah.

That's what friends are for, Cy!

You know, also, they're supposed to show up for each other.

That's kind of an integral part of things.

Well, you're just pissed off because I can't give you

my undivided attention like I used to.

Oh, okay, you know what?

Good luck telling Roxy you're in love with her

or whatever.

I hope Chris leaves some of your internal organs intact

so you can still donate them after you're dead, you fucker!

Hey, Chris, uh, this is Cy.

I'm calling you about Roxy.

I think I'm the one who deserves to be with her.

I think she deserves to be with me.

You're not good enough. You're not... I mean, you're...

you're not the right person for her.

I think I am.

And I think I'm the one she needs to be with me

and not you.

Uh, sorry.

I don't know how else to say it.

I hope you understand.

No hard feelings. I just had to be upfront.

Love, lust...

it all comes together tonight at prom 2018!

Who's with me? It's gonna be dooooope!

Hey. I don't know what that means,

but if it involves alcohol or drugs,

I will ruin you.

- Oh, Principal Hendrix. - Yeah.

Principal Hendrix, the student body is dying to know,

what was your prom night like?

- Picture or video? - It's video.

Uh, my prom... captain of the water polo team

fingered my urethra for an hour and a half

in the back of my mom's minivan.

It was a very painful experience.

Pay attention in anatomy.

I love you guys a lot.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Is that something that's, like, easy to get wrong, or...?

I'm going to tell her everything.

I want to show you something.

Come with me. It'll be quick.

Just something in my garage that I think you'll like.

This way here, buddy.

Come here, come here, come here, yeah, yeah.

There's something back here. Just over here.

No, no, no, no, no! Aah! Aah!

- Give me your phone, bro. - Dude!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I may not be right for her, like you said,

but I can't have you screw up tonight, okay?

I'm not a bad guy, all right?

It's just, I need this. Dinner's on me, bro.

But you took my phone.

I don't want you calling anybody.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Ugh! Ugh!

Damn it!

Come on, you ancient

asshole computer.

Oh, my God.

All right, okay.

Uh, there's got to be something, got to be something.

- You've got mail! - How pleasant.

Man, this computer's old. All right.

Okay.

You freak!

Oh, shit.

Well...

"JK."

Hello?

Who is this?

All right, listen, you sick asshole,

I don't know how you got my number.

Wait. Where?

God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

- Dude. - Thank you so much.

- You saved me. - Okay, you want to tell me

why the hell you were locked in Chris's garage?

It's actually... it's a really long story,

but I need to get to prom. Can you please drive me?

Like, look, you've been an amazing friend,

and I know I've been really shitty.

- Yeah. - And I'm really sorry.

And are you still mad at me?

I mean, do you think that I would just snap out of it?

Yes, I am still mad. You hurt my feelings.

You knew how important that audition was.

Yeah, I know. And I'm really, really, really,

really, really, really, really sorry.

And I fucking suck and I'm terrible

and everything bad, and you every right

to be mad at me, and I'm fucking awful,

and I'm really, really sorry.

Okay, okay.

It's fine. They said I can audition again.

My mom, like...

my mom told them that I have diabetes

and I was, like, low on insulin.

- Oh, my God. That's great. - Yeah.

I promise I'll be there this time.

Hey, there, girls.

Oh, I thought you were two girls.

Oh, well, that's cool. I'm down.

She's 16.

So you might actually want to leave

before the guy from "Dateline" comes.

Is it because I don't look like my profile picture?

Hey, lady.

So, you don't shave your armpits?

I feel like if you don't have to,

I shouldn't have to shave them, mm-hmm.

- Serious? That's... yes. - Yeah.

I just want you to know I think it's really hot.

Whoa, hey, hey.

Suit and tie for the gentleman only.

Come on, man.

Hey, boner boy.

Ugh.

Hello! Hi, guys.

So, most of you don't know this,

but I'm not just Principal Hendrix.

I'm also quite an accomplished singer/songwriter.

Thank you.

♪ Ghosts walk through the hallway ♪

♪ Go ahead and die ♪

♪ I live off silence and dark ♪

♪ I'll grow a super human heart ♪

♪ I don't need anything ♪

♪ I don't need anyone ♪

♪ I don't need you ♪

♪ I'll take your side ♪

Hey, I got a love emergency.

There's a girl in there that should be with me,

but she's with a guy, the wrong guy.

- Chris in there with Roxy. - Exactly.

I need your tux. I'm begging you.

♪ Tenderness for no one ♪

♪ Ever, I don't need anything ♪

♪ I don't need anyone ♪

♪ I don't need anything ♪

♪ I don't need you ♪

♪ I don't need anything ♪

♪ I don't need anyone ♪

♪ I don't need anything ♪

♪ I don't need you ♪

Use condoms tonight! Whoo!

Hey, could you cut the music? Can you please cut the music?

Please. Hey, hello?

Hey, can you cut the music.

Thank you.

Hi. Hello, everyone, look at me, please. Hello.

- Oh, shit. - This isn't really easy to say,

- but, um... - I'll be right back.

Over the last month, I've actually been pretending

to be Chris Newton online.

He's actually been paying me to do this.

So that way, he'd impress Roxy enough

that she'd go to prom with him.

Hey, Roxy.

Yeah, it's actually been me

you been liking this whole time, and, uh,

well, I just really wanted to tell you that I like you.

How do you guys believe this clown?!

The nerd who went viral for this?

- Boner boy! - Boner boy, right?

Boner boy! Boner boy!

Shut up. Shut up. Hey. I get it. All right?

I've lived it. It... it... it sucks.

It fucking sucks, all right?

It sucks to be humiliated, and it sucks to be flawed

and awkward and weird in this perfect goddamn world.

But you know what? I would rather be weird,

lame, and awkward than live a superficial lie, all right?

Also, I know I've never gone down on a woman before,

but I have no doubt that I'd be fantastic at it.

We'll see.

Fuck off, man. Fuck this video.

Oh, hey, Roxy.

Hey. You both lied to me.

Well, I mean, I was really like

his social media image consultant.

Yeah, Roxy, like celebrities have.

Yeah.

- Shit! - Oh.

Yeah, you really made the right choice there.

Is your hand okay?

- Yeah, no, it's fine. - Aah!

- Jesus. - Your glasses.

- Thank you. - No problem.

Uh, you think it's broke?

I don't know, man.

- Dude, don't move it like that. - I'm sorry.

- All right, dude, it's in. - Dude, I'm sorry.

Let's hide.

- No, we got it. - Yeah.

- Hey. - Hi.

I... I, um...

I just... I don't know any girls like you at all

because you...

You make me nervous and scared,

and I feel like you're judging me but not judging me.

- Mm-hmm. - And when you look at me

like this, I feel like, ugh,

like, I feel like you can see me.

Like I can't see me.

And I feel like like a naked boy.

But... but you make me you make me want to be like a naked man.

Right?

Mm-hmm.

What are those?

- Frozen peas. - Oh.

Not for me?

- Not for you. - Okay.

I am so sorry for embarrassing you.

And I just...

You're not a bad guy.

You just...

You're actually quite interesting and odd.

Just be you.

Can you see on my hand that I'd like to give you

a ride home?

Mm.

Please.

You may like me because I punched you.

I mean, it's pretty hot.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Brought you these.

Pretty sure they expired in the '90s, but...

you can still use them.

Well, at least your new viral video

might erase your previous one from pop culture.

"Rad chick clobbers two tools."

So only witness protection program embarrassing.

I can handle that.

So I know what I did was really stupid,

and you probably don't ever want to see me again, but...

I'm crazy for you, Roxy.

Like, if you if you have any room left in your heart

for forgiveness, I'd do anything for a second chance.

Stop.

You're just saying what you think you should say.

I don't even think you know if it's true.

No, it's you. I want you.

I'm not a trophy.

Look, you don't... you don't even really know me.

You just kind of made me who you wanted me to be in your head.

Look, is is way more beautiful to watch a rhinoceros

be a rhinoceros that try to be an elephant.

What? What are you thinking?

Like...

- Uh... - Okay.

Oh!

Oh, Kat. Whew. Hey.

What happened?

A lot.

I so wish I told you

so it wasn't such a true thing right now.

Yeah, I was I was looking all over for you,

but not a phone or a car.

It's actually really fucking difficult.

I don't know how you used to do it, like, at all.

Let me see.

I had become so deluded from my whacked out,

hormone addled brain that I've been missing

this fantastic reality,

like, this golden sunset like, right here, like...

- Shut up. - What?

Shut up.

But... but I making my big speech.

Okay, look, look.

I only have 15 minutes until my parents are going

to freak if I'm not home.

So do you want to keep acting like a stupid teen movie scene,

or do you want to make out some more?

I want to make out some more.

- For real? - For real.

Hey, guys, didn't see you there.

It's Kat.

Uh, welcome to my updated natural,

everyday makeup tutorial.

A staple thing is this thing.

It's called lipstick.

Like, the thicker, the better.

Oh, my God, this looks so good.

Hey, guys. Cy here.

I'm currently trying out some cool Japanese candy.

This first one here is called High Soft.

All right.

Hm.

Hey, it's Roxy.

Today, I'm going to show you some vintage clothes.

The reason I love vintage clothes is that I feel like

you get to, like, step into somebody else's shoes

for the day, you know, and you get to pretend to be them.

Sometimes I name these people.

Sometimes I walk around trying to be these people

So, yeah, let me show you some stuff.

Wha-ha!

Hi-hi! Yah!

Hi-yah!

I like it. It's like basically caramel.

And I like caramel.

I learned this trick from my mom.

Put this on your eyebrows,

and it just, like, darkens them a little bit.

And if you want to go for that, like Frida Kahlo look,

you just...

Yeah.

I love wearing the shirt. I wear it with everything.

But I also wear with... let's see if you can see this.

With these pants. You kind of get the gist.

When I wear it, I feel like an old school executive.

I feel like I can go and work at a desk

and tell the boys what to do, and my name is Sarah.

I don't know why, but when I put this on,

I feel like Sarah owned this shirt.

Ha! Hi-yah!

Ooh! Ahh!

Second candy I got is just called Premium Milk Candy.

Approximation of what it will look like.

I decided I'm going to go on with a darker shade.

So I'm gonna go on with this one right here.

This shade is called "I Killed My Mom."

I use this one every day.

Just gives me that really nice kind of

"just punched in the face" look.

So let me show you some more cool shit.

I'm using this shade here.

It's called "starvation."

Not sure if I'm supposed to suck on this

of if I can bite into it.

Ha! Ha! Yah! Ha!

Aaaaah! Yah!

Yeah, I think this is a sucking candy.

You just want to put a little bit of your lipstick

on your cheeks, and it actually makes it look more natural

because it's the same shade as your lips.

I would say that you guys only need like $300 or $400

to achieve this look.

Oh, my God, my cheekbones are snatched.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull