Original subtitles

The grace of our lord, Jesus Christ, and the love of god

and the fellowship of the holy spirit be with us all evermore.

Amen.

Bomb!

Music box chimes

Aah!

Song: 'We three kings'

explosion

Wbc tragedy special as a nation mourns,

we bring you all the gloom that's gloom.

I'm Jay garrick, the grief time headlines.

The missing quark bomb has, at last, been traced.

It was seen going off approximately two hours ago

in the middle of what used to be Israel.

Over 5 million people are known to have perished,

including 300,000 United States marines

who only recently arrived in Israel

as part of president Johnny cyclops' peace strategy.

The president's own enlisted son, Ralph,

speaking from his army base in Montana commented:

Cyclops himself is said to be,

"too shocked for comment at this time"

and remained silent when the news was broken to him at lunchtime,

during a special gala screening of exodus in New York City.

How the bomb went off is not yet known,

but with the finger of suspicion pointing firmly at the Soviet union,

all American and NATO forces

have now been placed on worldwide nuclear alert.

The kremlin claim America was sending the bomb

to the shah of Iran's revolutionary forces

when something went horribly wrong.

A story, it says, can be verified by the shah of Iran's parrot.

Meanwhile, sources close to the parrot have denied any such...

But hold your horses,

I'm being thrust another piece of emergency paper

that threatens to rock the world on its axis.

With America's middle east forces now exterminated,

the Soviet union have moved fresh divisions across

the persian Gulf into Saudi Arabia,

thus tightening their stranglehold on the world's oil supplies.

And as the chattering teeth of the teleprinters throb out the news,

we'll bring you a minute-by-minute update on the continuing crisis.

That's after this important word now

from the makers of the bensinger 18 hour hug-u-tite

super-stretch corselette.

Song: 'O Christmas tree'

this is terrible. What can I say, boys and girls?

I hold myself personally responsible for this tragedy.

I, as the caped custodian of truth, justice and the socialist way,

should've seen this crisis coming with my telescopic vision.

You could then have slipped into a phonebox

and changed into your secret identity as the man of steel.

And sped to Jerusalem at the speed of light...

Wrapped yourself around the quark bomb...

And thus muffled the nuclear blast with my indestructible body!

Will you both shut up?!

Can't you see what's happening?

The Russians are taking over the world.

They've blown up Israel, and next Iran and Saudi Arabia,

and Great Britain's next on the bloody list!

Look, they're caging us in, kev, in our own office!

Iron bars do not a prison make, Brian.

But if it'll make you feel any easier,

I'll have a word with that new Soviet advisor chappie.

He'll be dropping in any second. Advisor?

Good morning, comrade pork.

I am commissar solzhenitsyn, no relation.

And I have been assigned to your government

to offer a little friendly and neighbourly assistance.

Please do accept this with my compliments.

A new office chair? Yes, indeed.

It is also electrically heated

with special fitments to stimulate the nerve endings.

A positive boon for rheumatic sufferers.

It sounds to be just the ticket for your trouble, Brian.

Perhaps the foreign secretary would care to try it out?

Hmmph. You're not getting me into that contraption.

He's just the same at the dentist's.

Comrade kev, a small favour, if you would?

Fire away, Alex!

Well, as you know, the fact that...

The fact that the bomb went to Israel

is the fault of the imperialist cretin cyclops.

Unfortunately, only one man can verify that story for us.

You will therefore have the shah of Iran

removed from his ferry and brought here, to me, for questioning.

Say no more.

I'll fix it up right away.

Kevin, don't listen to this! Aah!

From inside: Is the coast clear, abdab?

I cannot see anyone, o radiance of the world.

Good.

Coughing

oh, god.

Abdab, listen carefully.

I will swim for the shore

and somehow try to find my way to America.

If you get taken by the kgb, remember, tell them nothing.

Fear not, master. I have the scissors here.

I will now cut off my tongue.

Wait until after I've gone, will you, abdab?

He sighs right.

Switch on the oxygen. Very good, master.

Are you sure there is enough oxygen in the cylinder?

Oh, yes, master.

I was certain to find one that was completely full.

The shah splutters

Dave. Dave!

For god's sake, help me or we'll never get out of this alive!

There is nothing to worry about.

The prime minister is Superman, a becloaked crusader from Krypton,

able to fly faster than a speeding bullet,

can leap tall buildings at a single bound...

Will you shut up and help me?! Hello? Is that the White House?

Get me president cyclops, and fast.

This is the most damn fool mission I ever heard of.

Picking up a guy from a ferry boat

when he doesn't even know we're coming.

You heard the message.

Pork's gonna turn him over to the Russians

unless we get there first.

Hey! There she is, soldier. Swing her down.

Hee-hee! Jesus, I think we struck lucky!

I hate you! Thank you, thank you, my ecstasy.

Song: 'Star-spangled banner'

and in the light of events in the middle east,

we have formulated a response designed to show

that president cyclops is not a man to be pushed around.

I... quiet, mr president!

Just over an hour ago, gentlemen, the president recorded

a special crisis address to the nation and while it is being edited,

our plan of action will be outlined to you by the secretary of defence.

Thank you, Deacon.

Basically, gentlemen, this is a can of worms

that could squeal antsy in the long ticket

if we don't potentiate the existing nuclear situation.

Accordingly, we plan a nuclear airburst here,

in the poluostrov peninsula,

which will stonewall the nuclear beeper

and avoid any boondoggle in the fish tank.

Subsequently, we have to fox the grease monkeys in the craphouse

and by tossing them a Lulu from the nuclear squeakbag...

Ah, put simply, gentlemen, we're going to fire one nucl...

That's nuclear missile

at an unpopulated area in northern Russia, up here,

just as a warning shot. Then we tell the Soviets

unless they get the hell out of Saudi Arabia,

we're gonna fire another missile,

armed with a quark warhead at a major Russian city.

Naturally, this is just a bluff.

There's no way I can risk a real pre-emptive strike,

but it's a bluff I don't reckon dubienkin will dare to call.

And that's why I figure he'll knuckle down and pull his men out.

He laughs here, now, is that all clear?

To give it to you with the bark off, men,

we're gonna slice open the herring and hunker down the blue chips

then pray the sons of bitches keep the caps on the bottle

because our trigger man

is shit-scared he'll get his ass burned.

Phone rings

yep? Mr hann with the videocassettes, sir.

Send him through.

Mr president, I still think you're making a mistake with this man.

No, Deacon, sol hann is the most dynamite movie director

I ever worked with.

Why, I'll just bet he's made that speech I recorded earlier

look like a million dollars!

Hi, sol, come on in.

Gentlemen, mr sol w hann.

Directed all my early pictures at mgm.

Come on, sit down, sol. Ok, Deacon, let her roll!

Jangly music plays, president mouths words

Well, th-th-th-th-thanks a million, sol. I'll see you again real soon.

So long, pal. So long there.

Holy hell, shit!

Sir, if the lord had meant us to have faith in geriatrics,

he would never have given us the supreme court.

Time is short, mr president.

You'll have to do the broadcast live.

That'll be all, thank you, gentlemen.

As you can see, the president is in full control of the situation.

Emergency communion will be held in the chapel, six o'clock.

Gee, all because we tried to send the shah a quark bomb.

The shah won't give us away now, mr president.

I've had him removed from that ferry

to a place the Russians will never find him.

127 thanks, sir.

Is that you suffering hideously from jet lag, music of the spheres?

Where am I?

They have brought us to Florida, o top of the pops.

Florida? Excellent! Which hotel are we in?

I did not see.

But we must be on the top floor,

for we were a very long time in the lift.

Just think, abdab, no more seasickness,

no more airsickness, no more...

Is it my imagination or is this room shaking?

I will find out, master.

Man on pa system: 'Four, three, two, one...

'Lift off.'

abdab on phone: 'Hello? Room service?

'I wonder if you could send someone up?'

Ah, weinigger.

Ah, nyet, nyet.

Speaks Russian

Machine dings

Machine dings

Machine honks

Dubienkin laughs

speaks Russian

'As you know, the evil tyrants in the kremlin

'now hold all the major oil countries in their grip.'

machine dings

'this is a situation we cannot tolerate.'

machine dings

'i am certain I have the full confidence

'of the American people...'

machine honks

'..who believe I can act...'

machine honks

'..to pull the world back from the brink of disaster.'

machine honks

'within the last hour, I have authorised the launch

'of a five-megaton cruise missile

'at an unpopulated area of northern Russia.'

machine dings

'this missile is no more than a warning shot...'

machine dings

'but unless I receive in the next two hours

'an undertaking from mr dubienkin

'that he will pull his troops out of Saudi Arabia,

'i have to tell you that a second missile,

'armed with a quark warhead, will be launched

'against one of the Soviet union's major cities.'

machine honks

'ladies and gentlemen,

'i swear to you on this holy Bible, I am not bluffing.'

machine honks

'what the world needs today is a man who can

'stand up to the forces of darkness.'

machine dings

'a man who will not flinch from executing his duty

'in the service of democracy.'

machine dings

'citizens of America, I am that man.'

machine honks

Hey, watch that button!

Goddamn it, as if our job wasn't hard enough,

the White House has to send us these two dumbos.

Hey, you, blind pew.

We're going outside now to fix the satellite.

While we're gone, touch nothing, you hear me? Nothing.

Nothing. I hear and obey.

The shah retches

fear not, waltz of the toreadors. I am coming.

How could they do this to me? How could they be so unfeeling?

Abdab, the astronauts, where have they gone?

They are outside the ship, phantom of the opera.

Repairing the satellite.

But what if anything should go wrong in here?

Nothing will go wrong, hound of the baskervilles.

We're on board the space shuttle, the most infallible craft

American technology has ever produced.

Sign explodes

my god! Quickly, abdab, pass me the fire extinguisher.

Hurry, hurry! Quickly, quickly!

Ah, good. Now then, stand way back.

What can I say, boys and girls?

I've been living in a land of make-believe all along.

Thank god I managed to come to my senses at last.

I can see it all now.

The Russians are up to no good

and I alone can save the world from armageddon.

Now, there's only one way to escape, by vibrating the atoms in my body

at a speed equal to the molecular velocity of this wall,

I can make a hole right through to the other side

and unlock the door.

No, wait!

I shall use the magical power ring,

bestowed on me by the guardians of the universe

to form a giant boxing glove and smash the door down.

Stop. You've both gone stark raving mad.

I, as the winged wonder from the planet thanagar,

will use my super ability to converse with birds

and summon a pair of woodpeckers who can then pick the lock.

He caws

super wheeze, Brian.

And then, together, we can overwhelm the entire Soviet army.

And I shall form a huge pair of green scissors

and snip off all the warheads from their missiles.

While I, by beating my wings of superspeed,

can create a vortex which will suck them into outer space.

Cawing and laughter

Alarm beeps

the whole thing's gone haywire!

We're heading back to earth, we're going to crash!

Climb on top of me, return of the mummy,

and I will break your fall.

You blundering, brainless, boneheaded fool!

Oh, yes, more! Garrotte me until I squeak

for I am unworthy, master!

Speaks Russian

Speaks Russian

heading for Moscow?! How in hell did that happen?!

Sir, if the Russians mistake

the space shuttle for a nuclear missile...

I know, I know.

Mary, patch me through on the hotline quick, will you?

Deacon, I thought you were to pray to god to get me out of this mess?

I did, sir. Well, what did he say?

"I can't work miracles."

Now he tells us! Phone rings

dial tone

oh, come on.

Answer the goddamn phone, for Christ's sakes.

'Hello, this is stalinslav dubienkin here...'

thank god! Now listen, about the space shuttle...

'I'm afraid I'm not in at the moment,

'but if you would like to leave a message,

'please speak after the tone.' Phone beeps

Nyet.

Da.

Nyet... da.

Da.

Speaks Russian

Wbc world crisis special.

I'm Jay garrick, take another valium.

A final look at the headlines.

In Waxahachie, Texas, today, a man carrying

a "world ends tomorrow" banner was arrested and charged

with leaking classified information.

What's this? Another piece of emergency paper,

still hot with horrors, being thrust into my hands.

Reports are coming in of a massive Soviet nuclear attack

on mainland America.

52 multiple warhead missiles, each packing a punch of 64 megatons,

are at this very moment heading for major targets

all over the United States.

Estimated impact, 33 minutes from now.

A Pentagon spokesman commented "there is no cause for alarm."

And now, the sports news.

You have four-and-a-half minutes

to decide on the nuclear retaliation, mr president.

A further 25 minutes to get to the bunker,

helicopter waiting on the lawn.

Yeah.

Right. Clock ticks

president taps on table

phone rings

hello?

Oh, no, honey, I'm working late at the office.

Well, no, I've got a couple of things to take care of here,

but I'll join you down there in the shelter real soon. Ok?

So long, angel.

That was Jane.

Best wife a man ever...

Well, I guess we better be moving.

Yeah. I'll make the decision...

..On the plane. As you wish, mr president.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com