Original subtitles

Ten-hut!

Ok, you guys, we dock in haifa in 25 minutes.

Israeli acclimatisation drill commence now.

Hut, hut, hut, hut.

They chant: One, two, three, four.

Listen, this will ruin me.

All right, then, so I'll starve. Mish, mosh, mishegoss.

Marvin, ring the caterer. So, what are you, a schlepper?

Palestine, shmalestine. Listen, lose the shpiel.

One, two, three, four. Busy, busy, rich.

O-O-Oy vey!

Ok, at ease.

General ef "gizzard" pemberley would like a word with you now.

General.

Now, I won't mess words with you, guys.

The Soviet invasion of Iran has presented us

with the gravest threat to world peace this century.

As a show of force, the president has ordered

20 divisions of united states army into Israel.

While we're here, I want this outfit at all times

to be 100% combat ready.

And above all, I want you to look upon me

not just as an officer, but as a friend.

A very special friend, if you like.

The kind of friend you can learn to care for,

not just in a platonic sense,

but in a very deep, Sincere and physical way.

Well, thank you very much, general ef "gizzard" pemberley.

Any time you feel the need to come and see me in my cabin,

well, that's what I'm here for.

And, of course, if you want to bring a friend along,

well, that's very much... Thank you, general!

This is the translation, sir. Oh, good, yeah.

"We in the Soviet union did not invade Iran at all.

"The arch mullah merely invited some of our tank crews

"to spend a few weeks' holiday there.

"The Soviet union had recently received information

"that the imperialist jackal's entrails..."

That's you, mr president. Oh, is it?

Deacon, who is this?

Chuck, sir. Chuck is assigned to stay with you around-the-clock.

And that case contains the tales of your retaliatory options

in the event of a Soviet nuclear attack.

Oh, I see. Hi.

I'm the president of the United States.

Knocking

that will be dr weinigger, sir. The psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist?

We're not certain your mental ability hasn't been impaired.

Oh, come on. I'm as sane as I ever was.

After all, whose idea was it to send the troops to Israel

as a show of strength? Mine, sir.

Yeah, but who signed the authorisation?

The vice president, sir.

Yeah, but whose idea was it, Deacon, whose idea,

to pull out six of our pawns from the us-Soviet chess tournament

as an international protest?

Sir, before the hospital can let you return to duty,

they have to carry out certain tests.

Well, they won't catch me out.

I'll behave as if I'm completely normal.

Doctor weinigger.

Good morning, mr president. Oh, hi. Hi.

Now, then, how are you feeling?

Oh, fine, fine. I never felt better.

But I just poured a vase of water all over your head.

Yeah, that's right, you did.

And yet, you said nothing.

Well, no, I...

Now we must check your eyes

to make sure that you are not suffering from any dizzy spell.

What do you see? Oh, n-n-nothing, nothing.

You see something happening to my bow tie?

No, no, it's fine! It's just fine.

Well, I'm not sure that you are quite ready

for the rigours of normal work.

In certain cases, a patient imagines that he sees all sorts...

Yes, what is it? What do you see?

No, nothing. I see nothing!

What am I holding in my hand, mr president?

That-that-that-that-that is a pen. That is a ballpoint pen.

Ballpoint pen, hmm?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I feel fine.

Now, then, mr president...

..Tell me, what am I sitting on now?

Oh, god.

A chair. A goddamn chair.

Listen, I'm not crazy, you hear me?

I'm completely sane and normal, and you are sitting on a chair.

Wbc dateline news.

From north to south, from bad to worse.

I'm Jay garrick, but for how much longer?

Main story of the day. President cyclops

will not be leaving hospital for a few more days yet.

Psychoneurologist, dr Horace weinigger,

said he plans to keep the president in

for a little routine brain surgery.

Meanwhile, further international tension is sure to develop

following today's shock announcement

that the United Kingdom is to join the Warsaw pact.

The deal is expected to arouse widespread protest

throughout Great Britain. All police leave has been cancelled,

and tonight, six cafes will be raided in Brixton.

In the meantime, a few hours ago in Tehran,

Soviet leader, dubienkin, flew in to pay a brief call

on Russia's other new satellite country, Iran.

Cheering

welcome to our country, comrade dubienkin.

Thank you, arch mullah, you are looking very well.

Yes. How fortunate that I am not in Siberia,

so I can greet you personally.

Let me shake your hand.

Cheering

and now I must go away for a long rest.

My doctors have recommended a little holiday camp

called the gulag archipelago.

I think you will be most comfortable there.

Let us drink a toast to our two great countries.

A toast!

Nostrovia!

Cheering

Oh, misery me!

Will you shut up saying, "oh, misery me"?

It's getting right up my nose.

Oh, misery me. Great britain in the Warsaw pact.

He groans

it's enough we've got a psychotic prime minister on our hands,

now the foreign secretary has signed us up to permanent slavery.

Oh, holy herad antipas.

Will you give over grizzling and let me think?

Hello? Hello out there! Oh, Jesus wept for sin.

Sorry to keep you, boys and girls.

Well, now, about this Warsaw pact business,

jolly good idea, I must say.

The Russian ambassador sent us all this guff,

it looks fairly straightforward to me.

Now, then, what have we got here?

"Congratulations, great britain, for you have just joined

"the world's foremost defence and freedom organisation."

Oh, holy Jericho.

"To become a member of this elitist set

"says more about your country..."

He mutters

he sneezes

oh, I'm sorry.

Nearly had a disaster on our hands there, boys and girls.

I thought my super breath was going to blow a hole

right through that wall.

That's it! What are you doing? Sit down!

Prime minister shouts

this is where he gets it!

He shouts stop him in his tracks!

What the hell is that? It's kryptonite!

A tiny fragment of the dead planet, Krypton.

Absolutely lethal to all its former inhabitants.

Have you gone stark raving mad? Pull yourself together!

You know, Brian, I think he's been overdoing things.

Now, where were we?

"By taking advantage of our special opening offer,

"you will receive, completely without obligation,

"one top party official security adviser

"plus six super secret policemen every month.

"I understand I may cancel my membership at any time,

"subject to the usual military formalities."

Jolly good work, Brian. A real scoop.

Well, boys and girls, it's back to the chocolate factory.

I hope you'll be feeling better soon, Dave.

Oh, misery me.

Radio: 'Here is a newsflash.

'During the last few minutes, a Soviet nuclear-powered submarine

'has been sighted in staines reservoir.

'It is believed to have been brought to surface

'by a freak windstorm,

'which has totally baffled meteorologists.

'The windstorm, which measured force 10 on the beaufort scale,

'seems to have originated

'from the general direction of central London.'

Dave. Dave. No!

Dave, not again, for Christ's sake!

Oh, Deacon.

Dr weinigger could find nothing wrong with you, sir.

The lobotomy was not necessary.

Well, I should just hope not.

If anybody tries to give me a lobotomy,

they'll get a piece of my mind!

Why, I feel just fine now, Deacon.

So, when do I get out of this goddamn hole?

Everything's well in hand, sir.

I've told the press you have 24 hours to live

and your popularity rating has rocketed overnight.

Oh, really?

At 8:45 tonight, I shall lead the nation

in an act of supplication

on the platex tootsie roll praying programme.

And at 7:15 tomorrow morning, you will make a miracle recovery,

snatched from the jaws of death.

Isn't modern religion a wonderful thing?

We have more pressing matters, sir.

I refer, of course, to the missing quark bomb.

Oh, but that's all down the tube now, surely.

I mean, with the Russians in Iran,

we haven't got a hope in hell of putting the shah back.

You have to get onto this lacrobat guy right away

and tell him the whole thing's off. I mean, it's as simple as that.

If the lord had meant it to be as simple as that,

he would never have given us valium.

For the deception to succeed in the first place,

lacrobat had to believe he was working for the enemy.

Left unchecked, he will deliver the bomb straight to the Soviets.

Our problem is to find him, let alone stop him.

Jesus Christ!

The Soviets have invaded Iran,

we're on the brink of a full-scale war,

we've sent a guy to hand over our deadliest weapon to the other side,

and don't eat the goddamn marzipan ones!

Master of disguise though he may be...

..Lacrobat can't elude us forever.

I have here some probable lacrobat sightings and eyewitness reports.

Now, they present a certain pattern which I think could help us.

This one, three days ago.

Stiggy redwood, a deaf and dumb lumberjack

from gypsumville, manitoba.

Claimed he was in Geneva for a log-rolling competition

and had with him his own seven foot sequoia log.

This one, the following day.

Zippo quicksilver, an agnostic carpet salesman

suffering from quinsy.

Passed through customs at Naples

carrying a seven foot roll of axminster

he claimed to have been ordered for the tower of pisa.

This one only yesterday, sir.

Yafet Von buggery, a westphalian who only eats organic rice.

Arrived in titograd to deliver

a seven-foot length factory shipment for the local paper mill.

By the look of these, he ought to be somewhere around Greece about now.

Precisely, sir.

I've had every official in the aegean put on full alert.

There is no way on earth he can pass through the net this time.

French accent: Open zat casket and you will be damned for all eternity!

Mr... Floirjois.

Montgomery indenberg floirjois...

Mr... ..Of dobbery, gobble, dansegle,

snot, glendersnitch, floirjois and whipsned.

Morticians to the world of show business.

We have a grade a security alert on and I must inspect...

My man, you do not understand.

I am zee floirjois,

personal undertaker to zee stars of zee silver screen.

Here are some of my glittering notices.

"Great arrangement.

"The sequined guitars on the lid are a treat.

"Jim Reeves.

"The biggest funeral I've ever had in my life.

"Sam goldwyn.

"I can't wait to drop dead.

"Barry manilow."

I must check the contents.

Monsieur, I have buried zee greatest names in show business.

Monsieur Bob hope,

he has me on a weekly retainer.

This won't be clean until I have looked inside.

I forbid you to open this casket. Give me that.

I demand to speak to your superiors.

Manolis!

This man refuses to let me see to his casket.

Oh? And you are Mr...? My card.

"Floirjois, trans-global theatrical undertaking service.

"The world is a grave,

"and all the men and women merely stiffs."

So, if you're quite satisfied.

Just one moment.

You say you Bury members of the entertainment profession?

Correct. Why is this casket so large?

It was a double act.

And now, if you will excuse me...

A double act?

You are saying there are two people inside this casket?

Ah, oui! Let me see the death certificate.

"The double act is either Anne ziegler and Webster booth,

"Fred Astaire..." Give me that.

The kubelski dwarves?

A very popular midget act.

They died of simultaneous heart attacks

while visiting the Parthenon.

It is my sad duty now to transport them

to their native Jerusalem.

It sounds genuine. No!

Open the casket.

Have you no respect for the dead?

Careful! There's a very delicate mechanism!

Music box version of there's no business like show business plays

Forgive us, sir, but we have our orders.

I'm sure you understand.

I do not, gentlemen. I do not.

I shall now accompany this casket personally to the cargo hold.

And when I get to Jerusalem, Mark my words,

the rocket, he will go up.

Wbc dateline news, I'm Jay garrick. Try these two for size.

The commander in chief of America's forces in Israel,

general ef "gizzard" pemberley, was blown up today

when a terrorist bomb exploded underneath his bed.

Two 18-year-old marines were also killed.

Meanwhile, in response to America's call for the Soviet union

to get out of Iran or face the consequences,

the Soviet ambassador today issued the following communique.

"Go screw yourselves, yankee bastards."

Officials in Washington are now studying

the details of the statement before deciding on their next move.

TV: 'But now, we go over to an english channel ferry

'for a special live interview

'between David frost and the shah of Iran.'

'hello, good evening and wel...'

I can't find dr weinigger anywhere, sir,

but sister said that these would help calm you down.

All right.

Gee, I never thought I'd see the day I had to sign this one, Deacon.

"Authorisation to select possible nuclear missile targets

"in the United Kingdom."

Sir, if the lord had meant man to live in england,

he would have given him gills.

Besides, pork knew what he was doing when he joined the Warsaw pact.

Phone rings yeah, I guess.

Wounded paw.

Excellent. When?

Airport security in Jerusalem, sir.

They think they've found the quark bomb.

Get this area cleared!

A window display model

for the bare shaver tricks and novelties emporium.

A member of the international toy shop chain

of bloomingdale, blitzstein, Gilbert, gummel,

Albertico, lipski, kappa and schlep.

Ugh! There is no such firm.

This time, the devil has been caught out at last.

Mazel tov, monsieur. Let's hope it doesn't go off.

Evil laugh

Mm.

Mm-hm.

He gasps

Spanish accent: What's the problem? Security check. Where you going?

Please, do not touch the casket, ok?

Who's your passenger, buddy?

This happens to be the body of general pemberley.

I would expect you to have a little more respect.

How come you're driving coffins around at this hour?

He's cool, bud. I just got word from base.

Change of plan. They're holding gizzard's funeral tonight.

Security precaution.

Adios, amigos.

Hang on. Ain't it going in the wrong direction?

Hey, you, there! Stop!

Engine revs

Crazy fool.

Ok, let's get this on the Jeep.

We'll have to take it there ourselves.

Brakes screech

He chuckles, wheezes

he guffaws

Wbc late late special.

It's 3.00am, I'm Jay garrick, and you're an insomniac.

The Saturday night headlines.

Following the Soviet invasion of Iran,

the revolutionary junta in Saudi Arabia have just announced

they will restore all America's oil supplies in full

in exchange for certain guarantees regarding their national security.

The news will come as a huge relief to president cyclops,

who, in response to nationwide prayers yesterday evening,

made a miracle recovery from his fatal wounds

at 7:15am this morning.

Meanwhile, Soviet reaction to the Saudi move has been strangely muted.

And the feeling among many western diplomats is that

mr dubienkin may yet have one or two further plans up his sleeve.

They speak Russian

are you sure you feel well enough to return to the White House, sir?

Sure, never felt better in my life, Deacon.

Just think, once we move our troops down from Israel into Saudi Arabia,

the Soviets won't dare touch them.

Meantime, the oil tankers can start sailing again

and the us can start getting back on our feet again at long last.

Yes, sir, Deacon.

I got a feeling all our problems will soon be over.

He who believes in me though he die

yet shall he live...

For this slight momentary affliction

is preparing us an eternal weight of glory beyond all...

May the fellowship of the holy spirit

be with us all evermore.

Crematorium?!

It's just down the road, about...

She screams, revs

amen.

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