Original subtitles

Wbc dateline news, bringing you all the news

that's news this summer's morning. I'm Jay garrick, hope you are too.

First, news of America's horrifying nuclear deterrent, the "quark bomb".

Formerly known as the Johnny cyclops bomb

after the president of the same name.

We're just getting reports in from the Pentagon

that none of these terrifying bombs has just been stolen.

Weeping tears of joy as he announced the news this morning,

captain mendel krybotnik denied suggestions that one of the bombs

had been stolen by an international terrorist group,

possibly the PLO or black September movement,

but he couldn't say which one for certain.

Asked whether the bomb, if it had been stolen,

could be easily activated,

captain krybotnik was rushed to hospital

suffering from an old war wound.

Meanwhile, we asked for the reaction of the Soviet union.

Speaks Russian

Sakharov!

They continue on in Russian

He chuckles, gasps

he exclaims

applause

They continue in Russian

She interrupts in Russian

he sighs

quark bomba!

Bomba Johnny cyclops!

Amerikanskiy prezident!

He moans in Russian

Dialogue continues in Russian

yes, all is well so far.

Of course, getting it from here in Nevada to the middle east...

Will not be easy.

But I hope think there is one man who can pull it off for us.

His name is lacrobat.

Many call him "the devil".

No, I have not actually met him.

But he has sent, erm...

A demo tape.

Apparently, it contains, um,

some testimonials from people who have employed him.

Look, I will watch it now and call you back.

Exaggerated south African accent: Hello there.

My name is vik grugerwarden,

of forrsdorb, sneek, parkburg, edam, grugerwarden and dyke -

the famous joburg banking corporation.

You know, in a job like banking, good mercenaries are essential.

And that's why I always plump for lacrobat. The devil.

Some people call him "the man of a thousand faces".

And it's not hard to see why.

When I first hired him in '67 to stir things up a tiny bit

in Nigeria, he was posing as Moses mvindi,

a black African early islamic pottery consultant

with prostate trouble.

A truly brilliant cover.

If it's mercenaries you're after, lacrobat's your man.

Exaggerated Indian accent: Hello. My name is prakash ranji-singji,

of armitrage, engineer, patel, Ganges and poppadom,

and I'm delighted to be able to recommend

this excellent lacrobat fellow. Oh, not half.

Oh, yes, governments toppled, hundreds installed, arms smuggled,

or even for that very special assassination,

why not try lacrobat? The dirty tricks specialist.

Only one five-minute telephone call from this videocassette,

he's really tremendous.

"The man of a thousand faces", they call him.

And I specially recommend number 602

he used for both the pope jobs in 1978.

Lance bombardier Janet 'babyface' Von Bismarck.

Exaggerated Swedish accent: Hallo, my name's olaf jokkmokk

and I am Swedish. Clank

oh, dear, I've dropped the keys to my Volvo!

I work for a well-known firm of Swedish dentists,

at carlsburg, johanssen, vasternig, gottland and sveg,

and I first met mr lacrobat last December,

to get an estimate for the liquidation of John mcenroe.

Since only then,

while impersonating the right honourable mouthsay rosenthaal,

a diabetic headmaster from Kathmandu,

he has wiped out three entire firms of rival dental surgeons

for us here in Stockholm.

Oh, yes, I always use lacrobat.

Hello?

Well, yes, he is a little, er... strange.

But I think we can trust him.

'By the way, do I ever tell him who he is working for?'

under no circumstances.

Well, boys and girls, we did it.

The last convoy of yank missiles leaves tomorrow.

What's the matter, Dave? You seem tense.

Tense?! Me, kev? No!

Jolly good. Incidentally, I trust neither of you has said a word

to anyone about, um...

Oh, Jerusalem. We thought it best not to, kev.

That's the ticket. I wonder where the tea lady's got to.

Hello! Great Britain, can you hear me?

You've elected a loony as prime minister!

Have you gone stonking mad?

I've got enough on my hands here with one mental case!

I don't what came over me.

Well, try and get a grip of yourself.

I can't bottle it up much longer.

All right, boys and girls. She's just coming.

Kev, I've been thinking. This disarmament's all very well,

but we've got to be careful we don't just let the Russians

get in by the back door.

I mean, um...

I've already heard the kgb

are stepping up their undercover operations here.

Rubbish.

You're worrying unnecessarily.

All the same, there are certain things we should keep to ourselves.

The fact that the shah of Iran is still alive, for instance.

I mean, he's right, kev.

We don't want to start another world war, do we?

No problem. I shall just use my super strength

to push britain out of the way and then the bombs would miss us.

Are you all right, Dave?

You know, sometimes I wonder

whether you really believe I am Superman at all.

Well, it... oh, ye of little faith.

Are these important?

Begging letters from the royal family.

I will now demonstrate the scorching effect of my super heat vision.

Holy Fisher of men! He did it!

Good lord, is that the time? I must fly.

He did it! It's true! He really is Superman!

Oh, shut up!

Try again, mr president.

All right. Hello, your imperial majesty.

This is the president of the united... oh, I feel silly.

If the lord had meant us to be sensible,

he would never have given us credit cards.

How am I supposed to conduct American foreign affairs

through a parrot? I mean, it's unconstitutional.

Mr president.

Salam El rassid is not just a parent.

He is the shah of Iran's parent.

Everything you say to this bird, he will repeat word for word

to his beloved master, and nobody else.

But are we sure he'll find the shah on this cross-channel ferry?

Once released at Dover, he will fly straight to the boat,

faster than the lord to a leper!

Your imperial majesty, you may have noticed

that I am sending this message to you by means of a parrot.

That is because what I am about to say

is of such a highly sensitive and confid...

Are you sure he's getting all this?

Well, the situation is this.

The quark bomb has not been stolen by a terrorist.

We stole it ourselves.

And then gave it to a terror... oh, I don't...

There's no turning back now, sir. We have now secretly arranged...

Hello. It's me again.

We have now secretly arranged for an international mercenary,

known as "the devil"... parrot grunts

to report home to one of your men in Iran.

So that when the time comes,

armed with the world's most powerful deterrent,

you will easily regain your rightful perch.

Now...

We hope to have you off that ferry very soon.

The rest, mr president. Oh... aw, gee.

Bird grunts ps...

I would now be very grateful if you would...

Eat me.

You know what to do. Take the bird straight to Dover.

Have faith in the good book, mr president,

for with the good book, we can accomplish anything.

Made out to cash!

'There is mounting concern over the missing quark bomb,

'formerly known as the "Johnny cyclops bomb"

'after the president of the same name.

'The bomb, described as two metres long

'with a diameter of 85 centimetres,

'has the explosive power of 50 conventional nuclear devices.'

Siren blares

All right, scoundrel, out you get!

Slowly.

Goodness me, was I exceeding the permitted speed limit?

Ok, where's the circus?

Oh, I see. You just want directions?

Well, I'm afraid I'm a stranger... cut the crap.

Don't you know you can get ten years in a pen

on a porno rap in this here state?

Oh, no, officer. This isn't pornography!

Well, it sure ain't a tootsie roll. No, no...

This is a rare Peruvian palace of aztec origin, originally erected

at the time of pisale's conquest of alahuampa.

This your wagon? No, no, no, this is leased to me

by the firm of wattage, flak, ellsberg, Martin and malvolio.

You wanna see my driving licence?

Duly made out in the name of gladstone ganymede princewell,

sabbatic of palaeontology.

Where are you headed? Well, the airport, sir.

I have to convey this treasure to the British museum, London, england.

Britain, Europe. I know where britain is.

I have here the relevant documentation, signed,

as you can see, by professors venables, pilger,

tatlock, aramis and dans, exchanged...

"To whom it may concern, professor princewell is a qualified...

"Ar-ar... vist..." Archivist.

"Specialising in the ancient incan... or-ography..."

Incan iconography.

"And fully authorised to drive a giant dong about."

So, if you're quite satisfied, I'll be on my way.

You know how long customs take over this kind of thing.

Oh, no, you don't.

You must think I'm a right maroon.

I wouldn't let you be seen in the terminal with a thing like this!

I'll get one of my boys to slip you through the security screen

and load it up early. Before it causes a riot.

You're really most terribly kind, sir.

Got anything we can cover it up with?

Well...

There's this rollneck sweater.

I think we'd better keep it Jewish.

Keep it Jewish? Follow me.

Bong

newsreader: The hunt for the stolen quark bomb.

Police raid a cafe in Brixton.

Cyclops tells Americans to use less oil.

Sammy Davis junior lays off six hairdressers.

And the entente cordiale. Britain's foreign secretary

gets a warm reception as he arrives for top-level talks at the kremlin.

Yes, we are very much approved of your new policy

towards the Americans. Oh, good.

We love the way you, how you say, kick them in the bollocks.

Well, we felt that... Piss all over them.

Yes. Yes. Mr dubienkin... sit down.

It's the first time you have visited Russia, is it not?

Yes, actually. Well, this is a steak.

Prime cut, topside.

Feel it.

And I can promise you it's not the only one we have.

In Russia, we have... ho-ho!

..Dozens of steaks like these. Doz-ens.

Yeah, but this is our country's most popular dish of all.

Ah, salt. Da. Finest quality. Try it.

Most people in Russia refuse to eat anything else.

Delicious.

By lucky coincidence, we have more than 800 billion tonnes of it.

So Russia is a fortunate country, is she not?

If we might turn to policy discussion...

Forgive me.

What the united kingdom is really aiming at

is a kind of neutral posture... When the world war comes,

all neutral countries will have same options as that piece of steak.

Rare, medium or well done.

Neutral countries are no friends of Russia!

Ne-e-e-eutral countries keep secrets from us.

Secrets? Secrets!

Like the American plan to restore new shah of Iran to power.

Er... I don't think I'm quite with you.

Mm.

Even now, we have two of America's top agents under interrogation.

They will tell us where the new shah of Iran is hiding.

Everyone knows the new shah of Iran is dead, sir.

If this imperialistic adventurism in the middle east leads to a war,

neutral countries...

Yes, but that won't happen, will it, sir?

Because the shah is dead, isn't he?

On tape: 'There are certain things we should keep to ourselves.

'The fact that the shah of Iran is still alive, for instance.'

I wonder if you have ever considered joining the Warsaw pact.

Believe me, mr president,

we will get mr and mrs hopper out of that Russian prison cell.

There's no way this plan can fail.

First of all, we airdrop 28 Filipino hookers into the compound

to keep the kgb occupied.

Should the area commander be around,

we'll also have a faggot in a wetsuit on standby.

Next, we keep the Soviet radar busy

with a plague of locusts over volgograd.

I've checked with bug warfare and they tell me they can get

20 swarms there, worthy no sweat. As a further distraction,

I will personally strap my body to a neutron bomb.

Mr grodd... mr president.

I'm sure you've taken a lot of trouble over this rescue plan,

but I really don't... I failed you, sir. Don't worry,

I won't embarrass you a moment longer.

No! No! Not here, mr grodd.

Perhaps we could just hear your next suggestion?

Certainly, sir. Operation big store, sir.

A team of Cubans flood the Armenian water supply with ex-lax.

While everyone is in the John... no, I don't think so.

Er... operation duck soup, sir.

The CIA circulate rigged polaroids

showing dubienkin as a child molester.

No! No!

A lie for a lie, a truth for a truth, mr president.

We are talking about the salvation of two American citizens.

How about you take a chopper over from one of our bases in Turkey?

We could cause a diversion with an Anthrax attack on Tokyo.

No diversions! Just you and a few apes in a helicopter.

The Israelis did it and we have an entire testament to play with!

Very well, mr president. But if I'm caught, I'll insist

I was doing it all off my own bat.

There's nothing they can do to make me talk!

They can put burning needles down my fingernails. Thank you.

They can shove a red-hot, hard-boiled egg right up my...

Thank you, mr grodd!

If you'd like me to leave my tiddlies as collateral...

Just go and get on with it!

For the last time, mr hopper,

you think I have just fallen off the top of the Christmas tree?

I know that you are an undercover CIA agent!

I demand that you tell me what America is up to in the middle east!

Otherwise you can wave goodbye to both your hands!

Sir, if you cut them off, how can he wave goodbye?

Shut up!

God have mercy on me.

I cannot tell you what we don't know!

Right, we'll see if this changes your mind.

Smashing

I thought I asked for one with a rubber handle.

It had a rubber handle, commissar.

It didn't have a nonslip, easy-grip, tight rubber handle, did it?!

They ran out in the stores, commissar.

Shut up!

Fortunately, I have a spare one in my locker.

I will go and get it.

And don't think you are going to get away with this!

He spits

lieutenant... I've got an itch in my leg's fair driving me loco.

Would you just scratch it for me?

You know the kgb regulations.

All itches must be scratched only by the commissar.

Please?

Which leg is it?

He groans

commie bastard!

Should be approaching the kgb compound in ten minutes, sir.

Make it five! This country stinks!

Yes, sir.

Tapping morse code

god damn CIA - gone to lunch!

Let's get out of here.

If I'm not back in five minutes, don't wait!

Just get the hell out of here! Roger, sir.

Engine spluttering now, see if we can...

Jesus Christ! We're almost out of gas!

I knew this was gonna happen.

I was only following government policy, sir.

Government policy? What the hell are you talking about?

Fuel conservation, sir! I only filled the tank halfway up!

Spluttering

shi-i-i-i-i-it!

Right, you got the keys? Yep.

Gunshot

ha-ha! Long live the United States of America!

Clank

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