Original subtitles

Crowd shouting

reporter: And shah rassim now boards the private launch

which will ferry him across the channel to britain.

Shouting continues

oh, my god!

This is terrible! This is terrible! The shah's boat has blown up!

This once-gleaming, gazelle-like craft is now a ball of flames!

A human casserole where blood is the gravy!

Barbecuing the bodies in a crimson spit roast horror!

'Gee, I wish I had a figure like that.'

you can.

With bensinger's lift'n'grip girdle.

Bensinger's twin stretch panels hug your curves

and prevent unsightly panty ride.

You really do look ten years younger.

Voice-over: 'The bensinger lift'n'grip girdle.

'Be a little firmer with your figure.'

and it's utter pandemonium at the French beach here,

as we hand you back to the studio!

Thank you, Bob. Well, what a body blow.

Shah rassim coldly and cruelly assassinated by terrorists,

just when no-one at all was expecting it.

The death of the late shah's brother

will come as a kick in the teeth for president cyclops,

at a time when our middle east presence is...

Mr president.

Mr president.

Electrical buzzing

they killed the shah. Mr president, the shah is not dead.

They blew him into a thousand pieces.

You think maybe they can operate?

Mr president, I think that our prime concern was to protect the shah

from arab assassination attempts.

To do that, we had to convince them he was dead!

Oh, I see! Everybody thinks the shah is dead,

and in fact, he is.

That sounds foolproof.

Sir! The CIA arranged to have that boat detonated by remote control.

Rassim and his blindfolded lackwit are now being secretly ferried

to britain, where the conservative government have pledged their safety

until we can secretly smuggle them here to Washington.

Did I know about this? Of course, mr president!

Ooh. Oh, thank you, Deacon.

Buzzing, he yells

Master?

Is that you, twinkle of the galaxies?

Tell me I'm dead. Am I in hell or in purgatory?

You are on a British cross-channel ferry, master.

Oh, I thought I was blown up.

Everyone thinks you are blown up, master.

Now you can travel to britain in safety and comfort.

He sobs, retches

you don't sound well, toast of the zodiac.

Ah, yes, you are very hot and feverish.

I have some coffee here to cheer you up.

You just poured it over my face! Ah!

Apologies, Scott of the antarctic!

Will you take off that blindfold?!

But then I would catch sight of your holy countenance

and have to pluck out my eyes with a pair of sugar tongs.

And another thing... master?

Scott of the antarctic was a film, with Kenneth more!

If only you hadn't lost those seasickness pills!

Now there is nothing at all I can take! Nothing!

You are wrong, master.

What? It was John mills.

Scott of the antarctic was John mills!

How much longer is this journey going to be?

But an hour or so, diamond of the firmaments.

One more hour and I'll be back on dry land!

Bong

newsreader: The national seamen strike.

All cross-channel ferries will be stranded where they are

until further notice. Bong

the American couple being held by the kgb.

Mr dubienkin claims a cruise missile was found in their rucksack.

Bong

and the assassination of the shah of Iran.

Police raid a cafe in Brixton.

Good evening. With just hours to go before Thursday's general election,

the social democrats look set for a victory.

The latest public opinion polls show labour trailing with 16.1%,

the conservatives with 31.5%, and the social Democratic alliance

with a resounding lead of 52%.

The shift to liberalism is reflected, too,

on the other side of the Atlantic,

where republican president Johnny cyclops is now caught up

in a desperate struggle for his own re-election in the Autumn.

American national anthem plays

phone rings oh!

Yes?

'The Deacon is here with your campaign adviser, sir.'

oh, fine. Morning, boys. Send them in, will you?

Oh, no, you're here.

Melvin hickey, the coordinator.

Chief executive of the Johnny cyclops re-election think tank.

A tremendous honour and privilege, sir.

And that is biff. Hi.

Well, now, boys... oh, lord!

Take pity on us, thy humble servants.

Bless us with thy divine love and mercy.

Give the democrat party election candidate a withered arm.

I bestow we beseech the outbreak of typhus among the Soviet politburo

for ever and ever, amen. Amen.

Now, mr president, this is the way we see the election campaign.

Using the Johnny cyclops bomb

as the very cornerstone of our foreign policy,

we create an image of strength.

Wait a minute, Johnny cyclops bomb? What Johnny cyclops bomb?

It was named after you, sir.

I didn't think it was named after Laurel and Hardy. What is it?

Biff?

Ha!

Basically, sir, the Johnny cyclops bomb

is the devastating new deterrent that gives you up to 50 times

more fatalities than most leading nuclear bombs

for the same capital outlay.

That means more death and destruction.

More value for your money.

How does it work? The answer is simple.

Fusion of heavy neutrons cause a realignment

of subatomic quark particles,

creating a supermassive new energy release.

Yes, the Johnny cyclops bomb.

It makes the old h-bomb look like a sparkler.

Think of the power and the glory, sir!

We put the first batch of Johnny cyclops bombs into full deployment

just as the primaries begin. I announce these glad tidings

coast-to-coast on my texaco complan hour of salvation.

Suddenly, you're back in the race.

Yeah, but if one of those things accidentally went off,

it could blow up an entire state! I mean, think of the risk.

We have, sir. That's why we're siting them in Europe.

I don't like the idea of the most destructive

instrument of death ever known being called the Johnny cyclops bomb.

Well, biff thought it was a good idea. Am I right, biff?

The Johnny cyclops bomb.

It... grabs me.

It grabs biff, sir!

I don't care if it grabs biff! I'm the one who's gonna...

Listen, who the hell is biff, anyway?

With respect, sir, it's all a little late for this.

The bomb is being launched tomorrow.

Launched tomorrow?!

When the Deacon says launched, sir,

he means launched to the press at a small cocktail party.

Not literally launched against Russia!

Laughter

unless, of course you... no, no, no!

I want my name taken off this god damn thing.

I want to call it the quark bomb instead.

The quark bomb! And you shut up.

I like it. I don't give a... You do? Oh, you hear that?

Biff likes it. It grabs biff!

Well, that's settled, then. The quark bomb. Get it changed.

As you wish, sir. Finally, the Johnny cyclops campaign song.

Right! I think you'll like it, sir.

♪ Raised on a river back in Omaha

♪ went to the mission where he played his guitar

♪ always took his hat off when he spoke to his ma

♪ once gave a nigger kid a lift in his car

♪ Johnny, Johnny cyclops never started world war three

♪ who faked his tax returns and laughed at the law

♪ authorised a cover-up in 1954

♪ and who spends a night a week in bed with a whore

♪ not Johnny cyclops that's for sure

♪ Johnny, Johnny cyclops

♪ never started world war three

♪ master of diplomacy never lost his tact

♪ stayed sane throughout his term no, he never, ever cracked

♪ never flinched from duty and was never scared to act

♪ loves to put the shits up the Warsaw back

♪ Johnny, Johnny cyclops

♪ never started world war three. ♪

Of course, I gotta tell you,

I still think the stars and stripes has the edge.

Abdab! Abdab! Is the seamen strike over yet?

Not yet, bangle of the fatherland.

Two and a half days I've been locked in here!

I must have air!

How's the new suit I found for you, master?

Nice and inconspicuous.

So now you are truly incognito. Yes, yes!

I must have air!

I think I had better have my uniform back.

It will be done in about ten minutes, master.

Good. What do you mean done? Where is it?

Oh, it's perfectly safe, master.

I just put it in the washing machine.

Voice-over: 58 years ago, in small-town pocatello, Idaho,

a young baby was born.

As a child, he grew up among the fresh pine forests

and cool mountain streams. Gambolled with the gophers and prairie dogs.

Today, that child is Johnny cyclops.

President of the United States, guardian of the free world,

and founder of the most terrifically lethal instrument

of mass destruction the world has ever known.

The quark bomb.

Formerly known as the Johnny cyclops bomb,

after the president of the same name.

Ok, mr president?

Yes, I voted for Johnny cyclops the last time.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I like him because he's such a decisive man.

They say he never suffers from any form of amnesia whatsoever.

A very decisive man.

We interrupt this commercial to bring you a news bulletin.

In the United Kingdom general election,

there has been a narrow yet decisive victory

for the left-wing labour party of Kevin pork.

Mr pork is expected to seek a cabinet meeting very early

to discuss his programme of radical reform.

Pompous brass rendition of 'o Tannenbaum'

He sighs

how much longer have we got?

Sorry, kev? In office.

Four years, 11 months and 30 days.

Read it back to me again, will you, Dave?

All right, all right.

Minutes of her majesty's cabinet meeting.

Convened at 10:33 am.

One, nationalised banks, increased pension, raised social benefits,

granted free public transport for all.

Set up a massive job creation scheme

to reduce unemployment by five and a half million.

Total cost, 1,000 billion pounds.

Two, withhold all future eec contributions,

serve notice of withdrawal. Abolish trident/defence spending by 98%.

Hm.

Cancel the civil list and close down the daily telegraph.

Total saving...

Total saving: 1,000 billion pounds.

Any other business? Abolished the house of lords,

withdrew from NATO act, private education,

and settled the seamen strike.

The meeting was adjourned after ten minutes.

He sighs

I can't understand how the other governments made it last so long.

Still, it has consummated the marriage, as it were.

And there's nothing for it now but to, er, tell you.

Tell us what, kev? Well, it's rather a personal matter.

It's very personal, actually. Now, how can I put it

without it coming as too much of a shock?

You see, I am...

No. It's no good, you've got to know.

The truth of it is, I am secretly Superman.

Superman? Correct.

Bit of a big one, isn't it?

Obviously you'd like some sort of proof. Well...

There you are.

And, of course, there's the...

Holy mother of Moses.

As you can imagine, this affects things rather heavily.

I think that's putting it mildly.

Sorry...

As from tomorrow, I shall announce the immediate withdrawal

of all American forces, both nuclear and conventional,

from British soil.

In future, I shall be handling all our defence needs personally

in my capacity as the man of steel.

Oh, my god.

We'll just tell everybody that it's part of our policy

of unilateral disarmament.

There'll be no need for an independent missile any more

because I myself am faster than a speeding bullet.

So, that's it, boys and girls.

That's about the top and bottom of it.

Oh!

Hello?

Kev?

Oh! I'm sorry. I saw something rather interesting

with my telescopic and X-ray vision.

The new shah of Iran isn't dead at all,

he's on a cross-channel ferry bound for Dover at this very moment.

Didn't you get a memo from mi5 telling you that this morning?

Yes, I left it upstairs in my in tray. I was just reading it.

That's a point, Brian.

If the saudis find we've let that man into britain,

there'll be hell to pay.

I shall issue instructions that he's not to be allowed off the boat.

Wouldn't it be quicker to fly down there at super speed

and tell him yourself?

I don't think that'll be necessary.

I mean, there's no need to go mad, is there?

Whistle blows

gunshots

this is the sas! Now we find rassim!

He is not allowed to leave this boat! All right, my lads! Go!

Shouting

whistle blows

easy!

At ease!

Blows whistle Dennis! The bag!

Whistle blows back at it!

Please, sarge. What?!

I think I've got my foot stuck in the door.

Dennis! Try using your saw!

Dennis! Not his bloody leg, you bloody fool!

We know you're in there somewhere, rassim!

Shit!

Climb over the side or something.

Take it easy. Move, move, move! That's it, now don't hurt yourself.

Right, you ok in there? It's jammed, sarge!

Ok, my boys, let it go!

Gunfire

whistle blows

right!

You bastards!

You callous, brutal bastards!

He was my best mate!

He's dead now, sarge.

I know he's dead now, Donald!

I know a bleeding stiff when I see one!

He's obviously not here.

Now, look, let's go and try the rooftop garden restaurant.

And, Desmond, try dragging Dennis along, will you?

Gunshots move! Move!

You won't hurt him, he's dead!

That was a close one, abdab.

Thank Christ we can make our way to dry land!

What is that?

Sorry to trouble you, I didn't by any chance leave...

Don't just stand there, abdab, let him have it!

Certainly, carbuncle of the asteroids.

Oh! Sarge!

Fear not, master. Worse things happen at sea.

There it is, Deacon.

And you know the latest crack going around the Pentagon?

Why is Johnny cyclops like a two-bit hooker?

Oh, why is Johnny cyclops like a two-bit hooker?

Sick minds, mr president! Sick minds!

Well, how do you think I feel? The one man we were all depending on

going back and forth across the english channel like a shuttlecock.

If only we could airlift him off!

Far too risky, sir. We must not alert the Soviets,

not while they have two of our citizens.

We've got to get him off that god damn boat!

Sir! If the lord had meant us to panic,

he would never have given us clean trousers!

Listen, Mary, Mary, get me downing street, will you?

I gotta talk to this guy pork. Just who does he think he is?

Oh, god save us.

The prime minister of great britain thinks he's Superman.

Will you give over? Can you imagine what would happen

if the press got hold of this note?

"I'm sorry I can't make question time in the house today,

"brainiac has escaped from the phantom zone."

Phone rings hello?

Yes, I'll hold. It's the president of the United States.

Oh, glory hallelujah. What are you gonna tell him?

"I'm sorry, the prime minister is out of his mind at the moment."?

Will you stop whimpering like a baby? We've got to... hello?

No, I'm terribly sorry, mr president.

We're not quite sure where he is at the moment.

Hang on.

I think this could be him now.

Sorry I'm late, boys and girls. Is that for me?

President cyclops, kev. He won't be allowed in, goodbye.

It may interest you to know I've just been to see the doctor.

The doctor?

I haven't been feeling myself just lately.

We weren't gonna say anything.

Well, no use pretending, is it? But, um...

I think I've been overdoing things.

But I had a talk with the doctor and he's given me some pills to take.

Oh, it'll be for the best, kev, I'm sure it will.

Which doctor is this, then, kev? Doctor destiny of earth 2.

I didn't know that you know him. He helped me to rescue Lois Lane

in the giant starfish of Atlantis.

Well, krypto, it's time for your fly round the block.

You know, I feel better already.

Ok, so wait a minute, wait a minute, get this.

How come Johnny cyclops is like a two-bit hooker?

Do you give in?

Every day a new cock-up!

Hey, you sure you spell "quark" with a 'q'?

Of course you do. I thought it would be 'k'.

No way. Well, it don't look right to me.

And that's another thing. What?

You know when the colonel brought these things in here and said

they were the most lethal and dangerous bombs in the whole world

and we had to guard them with our lives?

Yeah. What about it?

Nothing.

It's just that...

I could have sworn there were six of them.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com