Original subtitles

Good morning. Now, it's How To Start Your Day The Stephen Carmichael Way.

Hey y'all. Now that my undereye has been hydrated, we're going to step

into the bathroom for a little bit of a spritz.

Follow me!

Aaah! Oh, my God!

Mate, have you got any rough loo roll?

This crushed velvet won't cut the mustard!

That was a live stream!

Yeah, and so's this! Oh!

That Nutella punched through me like Tyson Fury.

What Nutella? The one in the fridge.

That was my coffee and cacao Peruvian face mask!

Oh, you're joking. I put it on me toast.

Am I going to die?

Well, you drink, you smoke and you eat Rustlers for breakfast,

so it's a yes from me.

Is there any wonder your girlfriend kicked you out?

Newsflash - women can be unreasonable.

Er, newsflash, she went on a hen,

and you turned your basement into a betting shop?

It was a casino. I was wearing a bow tie.

Eww!

Oh, listen, I don't mind if you stay here until she takes you back,

but you have to do a wash!

It's like Sports Direct's crawled in here to die.

Listen, I don't...

HE COUGHS

Look, I don't think Katie's going to take me back.

She's dropping the rest of my stuff off to Abbey Grove this afternoon,

so I guess I've got to make the best of a bad situation.

Well, I say this with love, but, um,

you can't stay here forever.

You won't be saying that when you see my foosball table,

or my gaming chairs, oh, and my three-piece suite.

Got my boxing bag.

I've got a ton of stolen pint glasses.

Oh, and I've got me lathe and all me tools to do the renovations.

Renovations? Yeah, well, I think I'm going to have to knock a wall

through in your closet to make space for the nursery,

cos obviously I'm going to have the kid on the weekend, ain't I?

Oh, my God...

I feel faint!

There should be water in the drinks holders.

I think I selected no conversation this morning...

Mum. Maybe you should take a leaf out of Mitchell's book.

Cos he's thinking about other people rather than himself.

Mum, I saw him picking his nose with a butter knife this morning.

Eww! You're a child!

Well, at least my mum ain't still driving her kids to school.

Yeah. She'd need a Megabus for all of her children.

Ironically, where most of them were conceived.

Excuse me - I was conceived in a Wetherspoon's bog.

1995 Coca-Cola Cup Final.

Me mum got a bit excited when Jamie Redknapp bent over

to take a free kick.

Yeah, my dad took his opportunity. Oh...

Jamie Redknapp - he has aged like a fine wine!

Mum... Jamie Redknapp's such a basic white woman crush.

Just drive.

Oh, how's the nursing, Miss C?

I mean, fairly quiet.

There were only the eight deaths on A&E last night.

Oh, Mum.

After that sort of major trauma, you need some retail therapy.

That's so thoughtful.

Oh, I know. I thought you could restock my fridge. Ugh...

Look, well, I'd do it myself but we're marking up

mock exams this week.

The mocks? I thought that was last week. Um...

I saw you just now with Blessing.

What piece of stolen trash was that?

A DVD of every time you forgot your lines in school plays, ha-ha!

Now, be good and listen to the teachers.

Er, Mum, we ARE the teachers.

Yeah, but, you know,

proper teachers.

See you later, Miss C.

Seriously, mate, the fact that I'm going to be living with you

is the only thing getting me through this. Cheers.

# I invested in you like crypto

# But I think it's time to trade

# I want to throw your stuff out the window

# So I'mma wait until it rains

# And don't you try come over, cos

# You'll find out the locks have changed

# I don't want your flowers or apologies

# It don't even matter if you're on your knees...#

Yo, I heard some proper drama on the bus this morning.

I was about to put it on my Insta but then I was like, hold on,

nah, wait, Warren can print it in his paper.

Sure, let me have a look.

Why you care about Warren's dry newspaper?

Um, the Abbey Grove Guardian isn't dry.

To be fair, it's deader than Inchez's fade.

Suck your mum! My lid is so fresh!

Your lid's so dead, it had a candlelit vigil.

THEY LAUGH

Er, Warren. You've crossed everything out!

I can't publish an article alleging that Melody Pym has three hands.

Stacey Barron found two pairs of gloves in her locker,

but one was missing. I'm giving you facts, bruv!

Whoa!

There's the truth, the truth-truth,

then the truth like Kylie Jenner self-made billionaire type of truth.

Do you know what I mean? No. Please, Warren!

I just found out that Wordle doesn't count as English coursework!

You've got to publish something by Monday, or else I'mma fail.

I have to maintain my editorial standards or I could fail.

Standards! You posted Jinx's article

on the resurgence of pubic hair!

It was long and knotty but,

boy, did I help her to prune it back.

Let's make a bet.

I bet you by the end of today, I can write a story that makes

everyone want to read your paper.

OK, if it passes a basic fact check and if you win, then...

I become editor.

COLLECTIVE GASPS

And if I win, then I gain sole custody of your Instagram page

for one weekend...

..in which I will post my unfiltered hot takes on trains,

the bassoon and the scandalous amount of mould

at the chess club.

Eww.

Deal.

Mitchell has to go - out of my flat, out of my life, for good!

Ooh, we can start a petition to have Mitchell moved out,

although my change.org has been shadow bound for too much activity.

Ah, ah, ah. We don't have time for that.

His girlfriend's coming this afternoon to end it with him!

His missus ain't never going to take him back.

He's like if the Lidl central aisle made human beings.

At least he's happy. You know, it's what's on the inside that counts.

Er... Bullshit!

Have I taught you nothing?!

It doesn't matter what's on the inside if the outside looks great.

Well, can't you give him a glow-up, sir? Ah...

I wouldn't know where to start.

It's his hair, his dress sense, his clothes, what he eats...

It's more than a one-man job.

It's a five-man job.

Sir, we need to Fab Five him!

Yes!

It'd be like if Queer Eye Fab Fived a bootcut Danny Dyer.

Five what now?

Five queens changing the lives of ordinary people.

They're dirty, they're grubby and they need help.

That could work.

Let's hope so because face masks are very expensive.

Go!

BALLOONS POP

INDISTINCT CHEERS

WebMD says that no-one gets policeman's ear

before the age of 50.

Old bones, I suppose.

Well, I guess you'd better sit this one out, chief.

Give us that here.

Tyler, you're up!

BALLOONS CONTINUE POPPING

Stick that on.

Sir, I led a protest at my local McDonald's against the appropriation

of indigenous Scottish names and now I have shooting pains in my arm.

I'm scared it's placard elbow.

Jesus. You're like if Jameela Jamil's Twitter come to life.

Oh, thank you.

Good luck! No, sir... Um...

Harrison! Stick that in your locker, son!

Yes, sir!

Oh!

Mitchell!

WHISTLE

Hold it there!

Hope I'm not interrupting anything important.

Of course not, it's PE.

Here, got us an 'ouse-warming present. Ooh!

It's a PS5. I got it from this bloke down the docks.

I think it fell off the back of a...

..boat. OK, cute.

Well, um, you can keep whatever a PS5 is.

We are going to Fab Five you so you can win your girl back.

You don't need to grow up, you need to glow up.

You should totally do it, sir.

She'll take you back for sure. Mm-hm.

I'm glad we kept my private life between us and the entire school.

Um, I told them because we care about you!

We want to help you...

..change.

Fine. I'll do it.

Yeah!

Come on! Yeah!

MUSIC: Tight Nooki by Stefflon Don ft. Jeremih

This glow-up is about upgrading your lifestyle from flab to fab,

from the estate to great.

From bellend to legend. Oi-oi!

Ha-ha! Too much.

We'll be judging your wardrobe, your skincare regime

and your sense of self-worth.

But our first expert refused to let us use his kitchen

unless we agreed to involve him.

He's giving less midtown chic and more midlife crisis.

It's Fraser!

THEY WHOOP

You know, people say cooking is all souffles, flambees and pasa dobles.

That's a load of Buble.

I've got recipes to suit all levels of expertise,

from the gourmand, to the gormless.

Well, good, cos this whole break-up happened over a meal I cooked her.

I'm all orecchiette.

I done her chicken the way she likes her steak.

Oh what, with curly fries? Nah, medium rare.

She got sick as a dog and she did not like me calling her Chunderella.

Trust kind of broke down after that.

Does your much-better half like to travel?

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's been to Lanzarote and Ibiza.

One day, I'd love to take her to Spain.

How about some pan-Asian cuisine?

Step one - hit the ignition.

Step two...

Did I mention this is a Brooklyn Beckham recipe?

Work.

Now let's upgrade this from home cooked meal to restaurant quality.

That does work a lot better with salt.

Don't worry, Mum's doing delicates tonight.

Sir, you might have to buy her dinner in a restaurant.

Oooh! I can take her for surf and turf down me local.

Steak and lobster? Bacon fries and scampi fries.

Ah, I've got chilli in my eye!

Oh, I bet Pavel and Edna are going to love this.

This will end up on the blooper reel.

Ow, ah!

A medic, I need a medic!

Ow! What was that?!

Aah! Somebody get the school nurse!

Please? Ah...

Fine. I'll go.

MUSIC: Yucky Blucky Fruitcake by Doechii

OK. Quickly bring them in.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

So, I'll be the gorge Tan France,

and you will all be clothes rails.

Ah!

What do you think?

I... I look... I look like...

..you.

I mean, no offence, but it does make me look a little bit like...

Ah! Tread carefully, hon.

Like a fella that might put a little bit of mint on his peas.

Who do you want to look like?

Well, the missus loves Paul Pogba.

I could do you Paul Potts.

Ooh, I like the shirt Warren's wearing.

That's the school uniform!

Let me work my magic. I'll be back.

I'm going to write about this in the paper.

This is abuse! These clothes are so claps!

They're burning my skin!

Can't wait to fact-check this.

Oi! I was just outside Hoburn's office

and I saw her taking in all these boxes.

They all had this sign on them.

The Illuminati! Ah! I'm too bored by this to even die.

Sis! Do you not know Beyonce and Jay-Z are in the Illuminati?

It's a secret society.

Wait, are you trying to say that Hoburn hangs with celebs?

I'm confused. There could be anything in them boxes.

Hoburn is really some low-level lizard posing as a headmistress

until they collapse a skyscraper or something!

Can I quote you on that?

Ooh, do you want to be my Deep Throat?

Not if I get there first. Also gross, Warren!

You claim to be a journalist, yet you've never heard of Watergate.

It's on the Northern Line, I ain't dumb.

And you're going down harder than the GC on ice skates!

Ooh! Found 'em!

Oh, I knew I had them somewhere!

What are you doing?!

What? No, I like it. I just thought it would be a bit more me

without the whatsits, the tagnuts.

We don't want you - you are the problem!

You dress like you're defending a statue of Winston Churchill!

OK...

Come on. Hair and make-up.

What do you want us to do with these?

Oh, um, take them to the dry cleaner's.

Seriously? No.

He was in earshot.

Everything he's worn - burn.

And when we're finished with the toilet, we...?

We...

Ff... Ffffff...

Flush! ..lush! BOTH: Flush!

Flush, I said flush! You flush! Sir, I'd quit while you're ahead.

Jinx, I thought you was going to pimp my gym

and do some interior design. Sick.

You could do a date in there like Drake in Dodger Stadium!

Yes!

On our budget, we're putting down some mousetraps!

KNOCK AT DOOR

This is a random drugs test! Shit!

I'm going to give you five seconds to finish dropping trou,

then I'm coming in.

Five Mississippi, four Mississippi,

three Mississippi, two Mississippi,

one...!

Harper.

What is that jacket?

Er, I'm undercover, Miss.

Yeah, I heard some kids were selling doobies in the toilets

so I disguised myself

as a...kinky hippy.

What's this I hear about you and Carmichael living together?

I mean, if it's a Phillip Schofield situation, then I am legally obliged

to say that I support you.

Oh, no, it's nothing like that, Miss.

And even if it was, I have got standards.

Yes, yes.

Well, absolutely, the engorged ego, the endless histrionics.

Don't you wish he had a mute button?

She will get... ALL: Sh!

Yeah, but, I mean, even if he did,

I reckon we'd still be able to hear him. Hmm.

So you're no longer living with your common-law trouble and strife?

No. No, no, no. Me missus kicked me out.

Ah, yes.

I mean, some women just can't handle a live grenade, can they?

While others just want to... pull out the pin with their teeth

and throw themselves on top of it.

She's gone.

Cheeky slag.

Oi, I think she was chirpsing Sir.

Don't be a tit. Right, come on, you lot!

Me missus will be here in a couple of hours!

OK - up next, we're going to break you down and build you back up.

It's Karamo time! Yeah!

Karamo is a man, not a fighting style.

Oh.

Need a shower.

This is Warren Griffiths, reporting for the Abbey Grove Guardian.

I have penetrated into Miss Hoburn's inner sanctum.

That sounded less sexual in my head but I think it's the nerves...

Yah! Warren!

HE GASPS

Usma, you look just like Miss Hoburn!

That is an exceptional costume!

Thanks!

Were you hiding in the mailbox?

Yeah. I was sweating profusely.

Most of those letters will be illegible now.

Well, you beat me to it.

You was right. I'm no good at this.

Do you swear you won't post any photos of your nipples on my Insta?

Wait... We're both here now so maybe we could just work on this together?

Seriously? I'm so up for it!

I'm ready to hack some phones and rip up some binbags!

Or we could just open up these boxes?

Visualise your father.

Hold him...

..and fire!

Di-i-i-i-ie!

PUPILS SCREAM

Wow.

Impressive.

Impressive? I think you're being a little bit kind to yourself.

Isn't that the whole point?

Where's the rage? What'd you mean? I love my dad.

Oh... I give up! You're impossible to reach!

You want to try digging a little bit deeper!

What? Are you saying I'm not taking this seriously?

When you're the one drawing up little schemes with Blessing?

It's not like that, all right? I'm sorry.

But change takes patience, humility,

and the willingness to sit and listen, hmm?

And I don't possess any of those things.

Right, what else does this Karamo geezer do?

Um, trust exercises, like escape rooms,

abseiling, archery...

Sir, sir! Hoburn writes 50 Shades shit, man!

Hoburn writes smut! Smut! And it's all about you, Sir!

You what? The Illuminati triangle was upside down.

It's not the Illuminati. It's...

..it's a lady's, um...

..promise. You can say vagina, Warren.

Ohhh! Miss writes kinky novels under the name...

Scarlett McCrimson!

My mum reads those!

She ain't flicking pages, bro!

THEY SNICKER

"His pert mouth hung open.

"His hand pulled idly at the beast sleeping in his tracksuit bottoms.

"Staying by, oh, so many brutish couplings,

"on the lip of the Billericay swamp..."

Mm-mm...

"When he asked for a job, I knew it was wrong,

"but I gave him one anyway!"

Stuff of nightmares.

That could be about anyone.

The guy's called Hitchell Marper. There you go, see?

It's about this geezer called Hitchell.

Oh, shit!

Miss Hoburn's fetishising you, Sir!

I find that heart-breaking!

She clearly doesn't value herself.

Don't give up on me now, mate, please!

There ain't no more fish in the sea.

It's just a great white shark who's hungry for me blood!

Sir, I think this is a Kylie Jenner self-made billionaire moment.

Mm-hm. It's time to print the legend, not the truth.

Warren, you odd little man.

We need to create our own Hitchell Marper to seduce your missus,

then you can change, or not, on your own time.

That's appalling life advice.

Sir, are you seriously prepared to con the mother of your child?

Does Paddington have a furry arse?

We open on Mitchell sat at his desk, reading.

His boo enters.

He stands, his voice trembling with emotion.

"Don't go, babes.

"I loves you, Keeley." Kayleigh.

Kayleigh simply stubs out her cigarette,

lights up another one and shakes her head.

She don't even smoke! Sh! Sit down!

Then Warren enters on crutches! It's polio!

Er, sir, as an athlete's foot survivor,

I don't want to minimise any kind of podiatry trauma.

Oh, please! Audiences love pitying old timely diseases,

but we don't have time for a leprosy arc.

Warren will say that he's been teased about his polio.

And then Mr Mitchell can tell Warren that he's beautiful

just the way he is. And Kelly will love it!

Up next, Usma with a fake pregnancy bump!

She'll say she's worried she's going to be rejected by her family.

And Mr Harper tells me you're all my chosen family

who love and accept me.

What would my character have in his pocket?

A pet mouse.

Oooh! And a hot pie.

You don't need to go that far, mate! You can just pretend.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Next up, Jinx, tourniquet, get it round your arm!

You're a junkie kid with a twist! You love to tap!

Woo!

Uh-uh.

Yeah! No! This is too much!

Er, this is improv, Mitchell! Don't say no!

Say "yes, and..." Right, she's going to be here in half an hour.

I do not need hot pies and save the last smackheads.

You don't know what you need.

Yes, I do. You don't even know her.

You can't even remember her name! Look, I can handle this.

Er, don't you dare!

If you try to win her back, you're going to screw this up for me.

For you?! This is my life!

It's my flat! Oh.

So that's what this is all about.

The little prince wants his castle back.

You don't care about me.

You just want me gone.

I thought we were mates.

Blessing, go after him, stall him.

Buy me some time and don't let him do anything stupid.

What are you going do, Sir?

The show must go on.

MUSIC: Cardboard Box by FLO

Nice. Classy is my middle name.

Your middle name's Carlsberg. Yeah, that's only cos my dad lost a bet.

My little sister Stella got away with it,

unlike my poor brother, Boddington.

Right, you go and keep a lookout and let me know when you see her.

Oh, silly me.

She's here! Right, go and make yourself scarce,

cos whatever way this goes down, it's going to get inappropriate.

Good luck, Sir. Cheers.

MUSIC: Afraid To Feel by LF System

OK, starters - everybody out! Come on, now!

You two stay there! Come on, quick! Hurry up!

Sir!

What are you doing? Er...

I'm going to be on prompt in case anybody forgets their lines!

Duh!

Bloody heck!

Ugh...

Can't lie.

This don't look like Dodger Stadium, fam!

CHAIR SCRAPES

Well, this is me.

My gym.

My kingdom.

Can I interest you in a refreshing...

..can of lager?

I'm driving!

Oh, yeah, of course, sorry.

Can you smell mayonnaise?

That might be my new face cream.

That's the new me.

I've been broadening my mind and shit. Yeah?

Mm. I've been thinking about how we can rebuild trust.

Well, I'm glad you're being mature for once.

What you thinking, therapy? Escape room.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

HE CHOKES

What you doing? I'm doing Karamo.

Right, we're locked in here, and me and you,

we have to find out how to get out together.

I left the baby sleeping in the car, you idiot!

Oh, shit...

Oh, no...

Uh! How am I going to get this key outta me?

Ooh, I could cook us some more of that chicken.

I think that's too soon, don't you? Yeah, you're right.

Bit raw. I'm sorry, I didn't...

Right...

All right, I'll pick the lock.

That is why I love you.

Yes, but I don't want to be doing this shit any more!

Are you coming or what?

No, go on. You crack on. I'll be there in a sec.

You are joking?

Unbelievable.

Wait, Kayleigh! I'm sorry!

COUGHING

Warren?

What you doing? Who's Warren?

I'm wee Sol.

I'm the vicar's bastard with my kinky legs.

My father sent me down with a wicker basket on the river!

Oh, the trauma! I still have nightmares of the river!

The swish and the swoosh! The swish and the swoosh!

Um, sir?

What do I do about this?

Get rid of it? Abort! Abort!

Ooh, I'd sell me soul for a hot pie.

Warren, go away!

Mitchell, no!

Yes! Shut up and get back in the closet!

You all right, babe?

Been there long? Let's see.

I saw you kick the crutches out from under him.

I heard you tell that poor girl to abort her baby,

and since when have you been a massive homophobe?

Look, it's not like that.

LOCKER CLATTERS

Can I have some money for drugs please, Sir?

I'll dance for you. Oh...

Listen, don't run after me, yeah? We're done.

No, babe, babe!

Shit!

MUSIC: Headie One, by Princess Cuts Ft. Young T & Bugsey

CAR LOCK SYSTEM BEEPS

Hey, Kayleigh!

This was all my fault.

I stuck Warren on crutches and I put a baby in Usma.

Ooh, not like that, eww. Eww...

Stephen, just stop!

This is all my fault.

It always is. You should take him back.

Can't lie, Mitchell Harper's a good guy.

Yeah. Today Sir gave me loads of vintage sportswear, for no reason.

It don't fit no more.

Put on a bit of weight since I was 16. I mean, who hasn't?

I haven't. Mr Harper lets me skip PE without a doctor's note.

And he got me this sick fake ID.

Well, I...

He makes me breakfast every day. Right, come on, you lot.

Ain't you got somewhere to be? Nah, I want to tell them.

My mum's holding down two jobs

and there's still not always food in the fridge.

Sir saw what was going on but he didn't make a big deal out of it.

He just started bringing me breakfast every day.

I had no idea you were doing that.

I only get her breakfast because she's a right crack-on

when she's hungry. Stop!

Listen to what they're saying!

You've got this fixed idea of who you are -

Mitchell Harper,

melt.

You even freaked out when I said I wanted to work on our relationship.

Cos you just... You always write yourself off

when you're a good guy, OK? And you're a good dad,

and...you're a good...teacher.

And you're kind,

and that is what I love about you.

Go on, then!

Hey, hey!

I love you too!

Wow!

I did all of this!

I have a gift!

Come on, you lot! Get in here!

And you're welcome round my place as long as you like.

Any time. Oh, cheers, mate.

EXPLOSION

Oh, shit...

FIRE ALARM BLARES

..must have burnt the Pot Noodle! Mitchell!

Mr Harper, give me one good reason

why I shouldn't make your life very difficult.

Cos we know who you are, Scarlett McCrimson.

Yeah, busted!

You fancy Sir, innit?

Mr Harper? Me? Oh, no, no, no.

Why not? What's wrong with him?

Oh, nothing. No, a sizeable demographic pay good money

to read about rough-hewn working men, Giuseppe Publico.

I simply saw a gap in the market.

So you was just pimping him out in book form

for like Inchez's mum?

Oi!

And what were you going to do when I found out?

Honestly, I assumed

you couldn't read.

So how about this?

We won't publish our story in the school newspaper...

Or press charges.

And you walk away!

Go on! Walk away!

Bye-bye!

Period! Ha-ha!

Oh, my God.

That was amazing.

SHE CHUCKLES

Shame about the coursework, though, innit?

Hey, wait, no.

We're pulling an all-nighter.

We'll come up with something for the paper.

I've got a Thermos of hot Bovril with your name on it.

Let's do it!

Yoo-hoo! Hello, darling.

I hope you're peckish.

Oh, not tonight, Mum. It's all taken care of.

My treat.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hope you're hungry!

Oh... Oi-oi!

Hi!

Look, our boiler's broke and you did say we could stay any time.

All right if we crash for a week? His nappy needs changing.

BABY WAILS

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