Original subtitles

I'm getting quite good at dying.

Mostly that's me in a bed, in a hospital,

looking pasty and terrified and tetchy.

They expect you to be tetchy.

Like, I had PCP for a single on Channel 4.

Pneumocytis Pneumonia. Horrible job. Take after fucking take.

The director comes to me, Dan his name is. He said,

"We need to see more... anger, yeah?"

I said, "Why?" He just looks at me, like it's obvious,

"Because the government are doing nothing, yeah, there's no funding,

and these fuckin iceberg films they have on telly now,

it's fucking criminal."

I said, "I thought my character would probably be past anger by this stage.

I'd probably be thinking much more practical things like is this going to hurt?

Or will it be over quick?

What would I have done with my life if I'd lived?

Maybe.

Could I have done things differently, been more careful,

made different choices."

Anyway he wanted anger so... Whoo! He got anger.

I channelled the anger I was feeling towards him and that helped.

This is a key skill.

Some actors can't draw on themselves, their experiences.

I can.

Though obviously I'm not dead yet so I've been having to make that up.

Then after that, I did a film where I get stabbed by a serial killer

who's picking on gays for some unknown reason

but obviously that was just a metaphor.

When the police finally catch him, even he doesn't know why he does it.

I saw that when it went out, at the Curzon,

and I could hear quite a few people

sobbing in the audience when I pegged it.

I got a bit tearful myself, actually.

See, it's the face. I look young and innocent.

So you're immediately thinking, "What a waste."

So I get the parts, I reckon.

The uh...

The scene I'm really good at

is the death bed scene where the boyfriend shows up.

More often than not, I'm doing well health-wise when the complications hit

so the sudden deterioration's a surprise, for both of us.

He's sometimes older. Not always.

Cute, obviously, but there is an awkwardness between us.

It's not actually said, but...

you get the vague sense that he's been messing about in saunas and toilets

and not taking precautions, while I, of course, have been faithful as a puppy.

So then there's the injustice of it too.

I have a bit of a barney with him but I'm generally forgiving.

I just go a bit arch, you know.

Got my sparky sense of humour right to the end.

Oh!

I had lunch with my agent

and she's dead pleased I'm working and so am I, but...

it's getting a bit samey.

I don't feel like I'm moving forward, you know.

She reckons I should be grateful.

"You're really grabbing at their heartstrings, Phil, really making an impact."

I just worry they're gonna get sick of the sight of me.

"Him again. Dying. Again." She wasn't having it.

"Characters you get are pivotal, Phil, pivotal.

"Everything around you changes once you're..."

Gone. Yeah.

I said it's awfully nice that my friends get really, really upset when I'm dead,

and then kind of reassess their priorities and stuff.

I just wish I made it past page eighteen.

She said, "You get the full fee."

I said, "That's not the point."

Still, it's work.

She said there might be a role playing a bat thing on Doctor Who.

"Do they still make Doctor Who?" I said.

"Apparently, yeah".

Plus a bit part in an indie film.

English mourner at funeral in New York.

"Can you do grieving?" I said, "... probably."

Truth is I don't have much to draw on, there. I've been lucky.

I know what it looks like, though.

I've seen it,

seen it often enough, too often.

Brr, horrible.

Then out of the blue, she asks me

if I get tested.

I said, "It's none of her business."

I don't, as it happens.

I couldn't face it. I'd sooner not know, I'm just not strong enough.

It is possible to not get it if you're careful.

And by 'careful', I don't mean bloody celibate or monogamous.

I fucking love sex, me...

Bum sex mainly.

But there is an underrated beauty

to blowing a total stranger in a toilet cubicle that's hard to convey.

And if you try to convey it,

it gets boring or icky quite quickly, so...

no squatting on your haunches, knees must hit the floor, and eye contact throughout.

Ooh! Ah!

I could be blowing someone now if it weren't for this bloody 'death scene'.

Agent's promised she'll get me a role that doesn't involve losing half a stone

and whiting the face up, so... fingers crossed.

I quite like doing 'coming out' scenes,

though even there death crops up pretty quickly.

I did a play where I was Liverpudlian.

So it was dead bitter but really funny, like corrosively funny.

The mother's mopping the floor and I drop the bombshell.

We have a row, I throw in,

"What d'you want me to do, get married and be unhappy?"

She comes back with, "Why not, that's what I bloody did."

Mother gets the best lines. The gay boy is the feed.

Then of course, she realises I'm not done with the bombshells

and the full horror of her situation dawns on her.

Her little Billy, gay and dead, in quick succession.

'More than a poor girl's heart can take.'

The upshot is she loses her faith.

That was at the Finborough, so while she's rowing with the bishop at the funeral

I slip out early and get down the Coleherne.

There's a bloke goes there some nights, Simon. Fucking...

[EXHALES] The legs. Dancer's legs.

And sorry, I actually am a size queen, I make no apologies.

Simon...

fits the bill.

The best fuck ever.

I've kind of got a top top ten in my head

and for a long time it was a guy I met in Portsmouth at number one,

but Simon has knocked him off the top top spot.

Dead fit. Proper man.

Nice enough bloke as well, sense of humour.

I don't normally talk to blokes down the Coleherne

'cause it risks breaking the spell, but uh...

hasn't broken Simon's spell.

Agent called yesterday, got me an audition for a T.V., new soap.

Gay character called 'Clive', who isn't ill

and according to the man at the beeb, never gets it.

It's actually in the contract, just... has a life,

has the same kind of plot lines as the other characters

but 'from a gay perspective.'

So that'd be progress. And if I got it.

He's also not camp, which is fairly important.

Not that I can't do camp, but the days of Mr. Humphreys are over.

Lads at school used to take the piss when that programme was on.

Not of me. I'm not naturally camp but I can go quite blokey, in fact.

I should get put up for more straight roles really.

I did play 'angry shopper' in Albion Market,

but, it wasn't established whether he was gay or straight so... doesn't count.

Nor does the bat thing on Doctor Who, not really.

No, Clive isn't camp, but he's not blokey, either.

He's... sensitive,

takes life seriously and may appear guarded when we first meet him.

But underneath, he's warm, emotional

and soon becomes a popular member of the local community.

[LAUGHS] I can play Clive standing on me head.

"Oh, so now it's my fault is it."

"Oh, so now it's my fault is it?"

"Oh, so now it's my fault is it?"

Oh!

Clive is the most boring man ever presented on a TV screen, seriously.

Fretful fucking creep.

Not camp, no. No sense of humour whatsoever.

I've got this beige boyfriend like Clive Mark Two,

only taller with a pierced ear.

And the fucking hugging we get up to, oh scandalous.

I can't get ill, obviously, of anything.

The fucker isn't even allowed to cough.

Plot line at the moment where I turn out to be fiddling my tax returns.

So me and the boyfriend can 'build a beige life together'.

I had thought fiddling the tax might lead to a prison story,

which could be quite... meaty, but no.

Clive's not fiddling that much.

Of course he fucking isn't. Ugh!

Ahh!

Simon's not beige.

That's one colour that Simon really isn't. So fit.

We've kind of been seeing a bit more of each other.

His suggestion. Threw me at first.

We'd just got it on in the Coleherne, cubicle nearest the window

And... ooh...

He gets nasty does Simon. Full palm of the hand stuff. And...

We were having a pint in the front after, and he suddenly says,

"We could go and see a film or something."

The thought of us hand-in-hand buying popcorn.

But we gave it a whirl, and...

It was nice.

He's strong, only a few years older than me but he's lived, proper man.

Like a... big brother.

Taps into something, you know?

[SIGHS] It's nice.

Ooh, his legs are incredible.

I know he's more than just a pair of legs, but all the same.

I could actually play 'in love' these days,

if the right part would only fucking come up.

"Oh so now, it's my fault is it?"

There's a line in next week's episode where the beige boyfriend says

he's thinking of moving back to Hemel Hempstead.

I have a feeling Clive's gonna go with him, so that'll be the end of that.

Yeah, good riddance to him.

I went back to the agent.

She says Clive isn't 'easy to love'.

"And if you are dropped from the show darling,

"at least you're not leaving in a wooden box."

Which is true.

I just thought that I was...

getting somewhere.

Still, I'm up for tour of Bent at the end of the month,

so it's not all doom and gloom.

I just think if you're entering into a relationship with someone,

you should be honest from the start,

not... hide any bombshells, pull the rug from under a bloke's feet.

I was completely not expecting it,

just sitting with him on the sofa watching a film, and he comes out with it,

"By the way I'm positive."

He must've seen panic in me eyes because he immediately says,

"We've been safe. You're not in any danger."

Which...

calmed me down a bit. Still I was shocked.

He said it was more than just HIV, he actually had AIDS.

"But I'm okay.

"I'm looking after myself. I get regular check-ups, do all the right things.

"Yeah, I get scared sometimes, but...

"I stand a good chance."

I wanted to tell you because...

Well it's important if were gonna...

get more serious, then..."

I didn't say anything, just nodded.

Well, it's a lot to take in, isn't it?

We tried to just spend the evening together, but an hour in he says,

"This silence isn't just you getting your head round the news, is it?"

I just looked at him.

After that he went off into the kitchen, and...

I heard him crying,

sobbing like a baby.

So that was that.

Spell broken. Well and truly.

Oh, it'd be nice if I had some work to take my mind off him, but...

See the fallow periods are part of the job.

Trick is not to see one rejection as part of a trend.

Time passes though, dunnit?

I won't be in the 'Young and innocent' market forever.

And then dying's not as in demand as it was.

Which is ironic, 'cause there's more dying now than ever, way more.

But the circus has moved on.

The doctors say it's heading towards a peak and with all the drugs coming up

more people are gonna live longer and longer, be like normal lives.

Well that may well be true, but...

I wonder where it all leaves me.

I mean, the only thing to do once the eighties are gone

will be to wipe the slate, press reset, start...

having 'fun' again.

And then no one's gonna want to watch the stuff I made, once it really is over.

I mean, why would they look back on all that death?

It's just depressing.

It's no way to move forward, is it?

So no repeat fees. [CHUCKLES]

My oeuvre will moulder in the archives.

[SIGHS]

I ran into him last week, Simon,

in Tower Records.

He doesn't go down the Coleherne now.

He was there with his little BF.

Smiley, cute enough, and clearly lady helium heels.

Well...

he'd have to be.

We talked a bit, but it was...

bit awkward.

I came away wondering whether he'd even told the little boyfriend.

It's none of my business.

I know what my future will be.

I'll get work, quiet single bloke at party.

Some swish loft apartment.

Music.

I'll be just right for the man who can't quite get into the swing of things.

Some young blond lad will come over and start on me,

"Oh smile, it might never happen..."

And that'll be my cue...

to wag my finger, to lecture, tell them what went on.

What 'we' went through.

They'll all listen, but it'll be uncomfortable.

They'll all kind of exchange glances,

let me say me piece and then I'll probably storm off.

The blond lad will say something funny to lighten the mood.

Time was it was me who had the funny lines.

Sparky sense of humour, only back then I was dying and they're not.

What was I supposed to do?

He broke the spell.

If finger-wagging really is all I have to look forward to,

then I'll have a lot to work with.

Have you heard?

The department of health's pulled its finger out?

They're gonna print some information about AIDS in the papers.

Only Thatcher's said no.

They should just stick some posters up on lavatory walls

and leave it at that, 'cause normal people can't catch it, you see.

And no one wants to read about arse fucking in The Sun, do they?

The Sun, "When you mess with nature, you've got it coming to you, mate," The Sun.

And we've got Private Eye telling us gay stands for "Got AIDS yet?"

[EXHALES] That's a good one in it?

The met police raided the Vauxhall Tavern last week.

The coppers were wearing rubber gloves to protect them from the gay plague.

Stuff like that is happening to us.

While hundreds of people are dying, our friends and our lovers,

stuff like that is fucking common place.

And it feels like the world's gone cold and mad.

And I'll bet you, years from now,

if you want to go anywhere near this stuff on stage,

you'll have to do it tangentially,

use some clever trick to keep things light,

because hey, being gay in the 80s

was about more than just AIDS, wasn't it?

Was that angry enough?