Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

[sighs]

♪ I want to break free ♪

♪ I want to break free ♪

♪ I want to break free from your lies ♪

♪ You're so self-satisfied ♪

♪ I don't need you ♪

♪ I've got to break free ♪

♪ God knows ♪

♪ God knows I want to break free ♪

♪ I want to break free ♪

[sighs]

Ah, the joy of a completed to-do list.

Shall we celebrate by cracking open an amontillado?

Uh, sir, you had that cask of amontillado walled off two days ago,

along with the salesman.

[knocking]

Are you still considering the cask of the month club?

After three months, it pays for itself.

I'm thinking about it.

Anyway, Smithers, a tasting.

What about this 1945 bordeaux?

[chuckles] Yes. That could give my palate a little party.

Palate, have at it.

- Ooh. How I miss extra-venous fluids. - [swishing]

Mmm. You're getting notes of cigar smoke, saffron.

- Oh, sandalwood. - Yes, yes. All of those.

[slurps] And cupcake frosting from a child's birthday party

with notes of petting zoo on the finish.

Ooh. I'm getting a little tipsy.

Make sure you take two aspirin and drink plenty of water before I go to bed.

[Lenny whimpers]

What is it? What do you hear, boy?

Dress shoes on linoleum. It's Smithers.

Whenever he comes down here, he wants someone to stay late and do extra work.

[whimpering]

Homer, it's one taquito. It's not worth it.

No snack left behind.

I'll tell your story.

[microwave dings]

Simpson, come with me.

- [groans] Can I bring my taquito? - No.

Mr. Burns wants to impress his wine club, so he paid a million dollars

for a very special bottle of Gevrey-Chambertin once owned by Napoleon.

Whoa. Just like the laundry pods they lock up at the Kwik-E-Mart.

[Homer] Wow.

Turns out Napoleon fought the Battle of Austerlitz

just because he'd heard there was an extraordinary bottle of red there.

And you need my expert skills to keep watch over it.

No, I need you to ride in the back with it as a human airbag.

Ooh. "Human."

[phone rings]

Smithers, I coughed up my Adam's apple.

Not again. I'm on my way, sir.

Simpson, I need you to bring the Napoleon wine directly to Mr. Burns's mansion.

This is the most important job you've ever done in your entire life.

I'm glad to have earned your trust.

If there were anyone else on Earth I could ask, I would.

Thank you.

[Mr. Burns] Hurry, Smithers. Now ants are circling it.

Okay, just get the bottle back to Mr. Burns.

First, select the least bumpy route.

[shrieks] Where did it go? [gasps]

And now it is my great honor to christen this ship.

- [grunts] - Well, I never--

No, wait, this did happen once before.

Mazel tov!

[grunts] Ow.

[stammers]

[sighs]

[grunts]

[guns pumping]

[triggers cocking]

- [grunting] - [pellets clattering]

Oh, man, I'm so far from Mr. Burns's mansion.

Where even am I?

I'll give you a hint, dumbass. You live here.

Give me another hint.

Okay, Homer. You've got a million-dollar bottle of wine.

For once in your life, don't be stupid.

Put it somewhere safe.

Safe, safe...

Wait, a safe.

Safe. So this is what being smart feels like. [chuckles]

I'll reward myself with a quick garage nap in the car--

I'll just turn it on to keep warm.

No, staying smart.

[snores]

Huh? What-- Oh, no. I need to get to Burns's mansion.

You're exhausted.

At least eat dinner before you go.

Mmm. This is the best stew ever.

Oh, it's nothing special.

Just beef, carrots, onions, garlic, and bay leaves.

Well, it's delicious.

Oh, and some wine.

What kind of wine?

I didn't wanna use the good $9 bottle, so I just used this old one.

[shrieks]

How? No, no. I was smart. I was smart. So smart.

What? I don't understand. It's still locked.

- [Homer] Huh? - Hey, Homer.

What the hell kind of safe is this?

Remember? You punched a hole in the wall

when Major League Baseball added the pitch clock.

I like my sports slow, and they knew that.

Marge, you don't understand.

That wine you used in the stew was Burns's wine.

It cost a million dollars.

Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no.

A million dollars?

A million dollars.

I don't want stew. I want mac and cheese.

- Eat your million-dollar stew! - [Bart grunts]

[Bart gags]

You used all of the million-dollar wine?

It's what the recipe calls for.

You should have written your name on the bottle.

Like I do with that special tea that makes me regular.

Regular? You didn't go the whole time we were in the Wisconsin Dells.

That's why I got the tea.

That I label.

Simpson, why haven't you delivered the bottle to Mr. Burns's mansion?

Before I answer that, try some of this delicious stew.

Mmm. The onions, the garlic,

the red wine from the 19th century.

[groans, screams]

It's not what you think.

Marge cooked the wine into stew.

Stew that we ate.

Uh, if you need to strangle the boy for a minute, that's what he's here for.

Eh. It's what I bring to the table.

Oh, God, this is going to take Mr. Burns to a horrifying level of fury.

He built this lumber mill just to kill us.

[Homer chuckles] Oh, that explains it.

Waylon, Homer really did try to keep it safe.

This is all my fault.

I can't believe I was undone by Marge Simpson.

- [sobs] - [Marge sighs]

Mmm. Hmm?

Okay, I know things look kind of bad, but there is a way out of this.

This isn't "kind of bad." This is a catastrophe.

If I may, for you, catastrophe is a new thing,

but for me, it's just another day at the office.

What the hell are you talking about, you incompetent nitwit?

[chuckles] Oh, Smithers, Smithers, Smithers.

Let me explain.

Maggie, my note?

♪ In the course of my long life I've learned a golden rule ♪

♪ To escape the blame and avoid the shame When I've been an utter fool ♪

♪ I simply cover it up ♪

- Cover it up? - Cover it up?

♪ Cover it up, cover it up ♪

♪ Lost her wedding ring one winter ♪

♪ Cover it up, cover it up ♪

♪ Made one with a 3D printer Cover it up, cover it up ♪

♪ I cut down Flanders's cherry tree ♪

♪ And then did tell a lie ♪

♪ I blamed it on some teens Who were wedgying this guy ♪

Neck high.

- Cover it up. - Cover it up.

♪ I can't recall the lyrics To the verse I'm singing now ♪

♪ Who cares? I'll make some new words up ♪

♪ Shmer boo la tee na fow ♪

I love you, Spingfield!

♪ Trick the red light camera When you're rushing to get home ♪

♪ Forgot to bring a doggy bag? Just use a garden gnome ♪

♪ I've caused so many meltdowns So I used my little fix ♪

We know you caused those meltdowns.

No, you only knew of six.

- ♪ Let's fix my wife's-- not my-- mistake ♪ - ♪ Cover it up ♪

♪ And fill this fancy jug with fake ♪

♪ Cover it up ♪

♪ Make a whoo-hoo out of a d'oh ♪

♪ Just cover it up ♪

♪ Cover it up And they'll never even know ♪

[all] Cover it up!

[sighs] I can't resist a musical number that advances the plot. I'm in.

But how do we cover this up?

It's not gonna be easy.

Mr. Burns is planning to pour the Napoleon wine

for some of the most discerning wine connoisseurs in the world.

You know, wine is basically just chemistry.

Maybe you need someone who knows all about the chemistry of alcohol.

Wine's the red one, right?

Well, I understand your dilemma, but I am right in the middle of an experiment

to develop the proverbial six-pack abdominals.

[electricity crackles]

[both gasp]

I know, but it's what the ladies want.

Mmm. I think they just want someone who listens.

Well, I don't have a contraption for that.

Professor, maybe if I rephrased it like this.

♪ Cover it up ♪

Flavin!

Uh, well, based on my analysis of the last drops of the stew-ified Napoleon wine,

I've created a replica out of diammonium phosphate,

calcium carbonate, and 14 ccs of Manischewitz.

[sniffs]

[slurps, swishes]

Mmm. That's... [stutters] That's amazing.

So we did it?

We did it.

[stammers] I did it, yes.

And now, just to ensure I've removed the radioactive isotope

found in all wines made after the dawn of the nuclear age.

Perfect.

[Geiger counter clicks]

[clicking intensifies]

[clicking stops]

- [clicking] - Uh, should I be worried about that?

Are you planning on having children?

I never planned any of my children.

[stammers] Well, it is what it is.

I call to order this meeting with our credo:

never drink something younger or date something older than you.

[all] To pointless excess.

And now, the main event.

A bottle of wine once held by Napoleon himself.

So raise a glass and bend an Elba.

[laughing]

Smithers, release the cork.

Moment of truth.

You know, our marriage really could use fewer moments of truth.

Now, that's million-buck Chuck.

Complex with a hint of doi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

- [sipping, slurping] - Mmm.

The cover-up worked.

And tonight, we'll have cover-up sex.

Oh. It'll be my first.

[chuckles] No, it won't.

I can't believe we pulled that off.

I feel a little guilty and a little scared,

like the first time I fast-forwarded through a commercial.

Don't feel bad.

With the money those billionaires spend on one bottle,

they could buy every poor person in the world

an inexpensive but very drinkable rosé.

Those monsters.

They are.

And I do their bidding.

[cries]

I'm just as bad, if not worse, because I know better.

I'm even starting to look like Mr. Burns.

Hump!

Sometimes I feel like I've only got this much soul left.

Don't worry, Waylon.

There's plenty of soul where that came from.

You know, we've still got a lot of this Frinky drinky.

Think how many wrongs we could right if we sold just one more million-dollar bottle.

Are you slurring what I think you're slurring?

Yes.

What if we sell fake wine to the rich to give to the poor?

Like Robin Hood.

[snoring]

Hmm? [grunts]

[exclaims]

[mutters]

[grunts]

I'm cleansing my soul.

And I'm getting out of the house.

[gavel strikes]

[bidders murmuring]

We're doing this.

We're actually going to Robin Hood a bottle of fake wine.

Look at all these mega-rich wine connoisseurs.

I've never seen so many people not wearing baseball caps.

That's Jim Sprawlton, from the Sprawl-Mart fortune.

And from Sam's Club, there's Marcus Club himself.

Oh.

I can ask him to bring back Marcus's Choice Cinnamon Apple Dryer Sheets.

There's Francis Ford Coppola and Andrew Lloyd Webber,

the most surprisingly straight wine collector in the world.

And he's next to Robert Parker, who invented the 100-point wine ranking scale.

I will buy this Napoleon wine with the money from the music that I write.

The money from "The Music of the Night."

I rate this conversation a 36.

Next up is the last known wine owned by Napoleon,

offered for sale by an anonymous owner.

I open the bidding at--

One million dollars.

1.5 million.

Wh-- I'm sorry, I have a call from my accountant.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I bid nothing.

Uh, 1.5 million.

Two million.

Two million?

That's, like, 20,000 100's.

Going once. Going twice. Sold.

- [gasps] - [gasps] Ah!

Slowly, deftly, losing shall caress you.

Hear it, feel it, secretly depress you.

You did Cats, right?

What the hell was that?

And why do I love it?

We did it.

This money is going to right so many wrongs.

Thank you, Marge. For the first time in my life, I feel free.

[guns cocking]

You are under arrest for the high crime of wine forgery.

[whip cracking]

You will be housed here in wine jail

while you await your trial in Springfield Wine Court.

Wine court?

Yes, wine crimes are too sophisticated for the undeveloped legal palate

of the American system.

She sold a champagne that was actually a prosecco.

He called his wine a Beaujolais nouveau, but there was nothing nouveau about it.

And he's in solitary for his own protection.

We don't take kindly to oenophiles here.

And here is where we house our worst offenders, wine counterfeiters.

Come back later to try our toilet wine.

We are trying to recreate a 1974 San Quentin.

Here's your cell.

Does the gentleman find it suitable?

Why do they always ask the man?

Oh, Homie, Homie, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm in jail.

[scoffs] Marge in jail?

Please.

This is like that phone scam I almost fell for last month.

That was really me.

I had to walk home from the airport because you wouldn't believe me.

Then this is Marge. You're in jail?

[cries] Yes.

Waylon and I faked and sold another Napoleon wine.

Well, this is crazy.

You're in jail for booze, and I'm at home watching the kids.

Time's up.

[whimpers] I've got to go. I miss you all so much.

I love you.

[belches]

Oh. Mommy loves you too, Maggie.

Wine court is modeled after the quirky French legal system.

It's based on every defendant's right to a certain, mmm, je ne sais quoi.

How do you know about all this?

Oh. Wine Court TV plays all day in most gay bars.

Your Honor, this is a case of shocking fraud

perpetrated by the worst kind of scammers.

Do we seriously believe that a wine owned by Napoleon

was found by an executive assistant and a homemaker?

They're simple, ignorant philistines.

Mrs. Simpson, please tell the court your recipe for sangria.

Two parts Duff Wine Cooler to one part grape popsicle.

[gasp]

Oh, no, Marge, you stupid lady.

Homie, I might be going to jail for years.

Promise me you'll take good care of the kids.

Honey, you know I can't make that promise.

I wonder if Homer is looking at the same moon.

[shatters]

Marge was always here... [cries] ...to dry and put away.

[shatters]

This is all my fault!

♪ They covered it up They covered it up ♪

♪ And I lost my sweet and loving wife ♪

Wait, what?

♪ I can't cover it up, can't cover it up ♪

♪ She might do 20 years to life ♪

You said Mom was in Santa Barbara with friends.

Kids, your mom's not in Santa Barbara.

She's in wine jail.

There's no such thing as Santa Barbara.

Dad, you've gotta find a way to get Mom out of jail.

You've gotta cover this up. It's the only thing you're good at.

No. The only thing I'm good at is nothing.

I will never cover up again.

Ladies, gentlemen, and bored-looking cat in a turtleneck.

[purrs]

The wine we're accused of faking tastes exactly like the real thing.

So, if no one can tell the difference, how is that a crime?

- [all murmur] - She's got a point.

Your Honor, this is a case with legs.

Pun intended on "legs," but not on "case."

Wine is much more than a beverage.

For centuries, it has told the story of civilization.

Whenever something is that rare, unique and beautiful,

it is attacked by greed and fraud at every turn.

Thus it is our responsibility

to ensure that this jewel of our society keeps its integrity intact.

[meows]

I have reached a decision.

[sighs]

[Maggie sucking pacifier]

I declare the fake wine in question to be real.

Case dismissed.

[all gasp]

I don't know what just happened.

Oh, allow me to explain.

I bought something more valuable than any bottle of wine,

- the judge. - You bribed her to save us?

[chuckles] I wasn't saving you, Smithers, and, uh, your wife.

I was protecting the myth

that the possessions of the obscenely wealthy are remotely worth it.

If that bottle was exposed as fake, skeptical eyes might look to fine art,

such as my Vermeer, Girl with a Pearl Nose Ring.

Or my Bible signed by Jesus.

And it's all thanks to this fine fellow who alerted me to your predicament.

- Homer, you-- - Covered it up.

But, Dad, you said you were never gonna cover up again.

Well, I tried not to, but covering up is all I know.

So I went to the king of cover-ups.

Who do you think hid all that nuclear waste under Denver's airport?

- This guy. - Oh, you.

Great. We were saved by an evil deed

from the man whose evil deeds we were trying to un-evil.

But, Waylon, our whole drunken plan was to use bad money to do good things.

And now we can.

- Robin Hood? - Robin Hood.

[spine cracking]

♪ 'Cause I'm having a good time ♪

♪ Don't stop me ♪

♪ Yes, I'm having a good time ♪

♪ I don't wanna stop at all, yeah ♪

♪ I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars On a collision course ♪

♪ I am a satellite, I'm out of control ♪

♪ I'm a sex machine Ready to reload like an atom bomb ♪

♪ About to oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, explode ♪

♪ I'm burning through the sky, yeah ♪

Shh.