Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

[scoffs] If you ask me, any room with Patty and Selma in it is an escape room.

I know you don't like Patty, Selma, puzzles or parties,

but try to enjoy Patty and Selma's puzzle party.

Comrades, as your damaged Soviet submarine sinks,

you must solve a series of puzzles to escape.

Should you need help, you can request up to five hints.

[laughs]

We've escaped from every fake dungeon, zombie space station

and unlicensed Hogwarts in this county.

With no hints.

Good luck and do svidaniya.

I escaped! See you later.

[beeps]

Lisa, search the Captain's locker.

Marge, torpedo bay!

[grunts]

Hint!

No! No hints.

[Squeaky-Voiced Teen] That door is painted on, sir.

You've used one hint.

You ruined our perfect hint-free streak,

you Crisco-chugging pistachio brain!

Yeah, well you're a, uh, uh...

- Hint? - [Squeaky-Voiced Teen] I don't know,

something about her hair, maybe?

That doesn't count as a hint!

Yes, it does!

[both growl]

Separate.

[growls]

[both hiss]

Homer, away.

Patty, tss, tss.

Selma, corner. Corner!

[Patty, Selma, Homer grumble, huff]

Why was I in another award show "in memoriam" package?

Oh. Okay then.

Then why did they boo me?

Oh, okay then.

Herschella!

If you're wearing a robe, cinch it!

Aunt Sadie!

My favorite aunt who still talks to me.

To what do I owe this barging in?

Sideshow Mel asked me to be a guest on your podcast.

I have a podcast?

Talking Krusty!

It's that thing where people who worked on a TV show talk about old episodes.

What do you call it?

A-A rewatch podcast.

Why has this been hidden from me?

[growls]

[laughter]

So, right in the middle of the Game of Thrones sketch

where the thrones were toilets, the cue cards went missing.

What a story.

Only in showbiz!

Why the hell didn't you tell me about this show, about my show?

We've begged you many times to come on.

Shut up, you backstabbing traitor!

Who the hell are you, mustache?

And who's the skirt in the pants?

That's Wayne the Grip and Jodie from Props.

They've been with the show since day one.

What? You don't recognize the people who work on your own show?

[grunting]

[grunting continues]

[sighs]

You're crying because they're doing a podcast without you.

Now, here's your chance.

So sit your butt in the chair

and make with the reminiscing with your friends from work.

Yeah, my friends from work. Uh... [laughs]

Yeah.

[Mr. Teeny screams]

[Krusty sighs]

[alarm blaring]

We've solved every puzzle.

Why can't we find the key to open the door?

We've never failed an escape room, and we're not starting now.

Forgive me, Selma.

- Hint! - [Squeaky-Voiced Teen] The bald man

who hates you found the exit key 20 minutes ago

and has been using it to scratch his butt out of spite.

Spite.

[beeps]

[Squeaky-Voiced Teen] Your mission has failed.

The frozen sea has claimed your bodies.

And your grieving children will be sent to the gulag.

Happy birthday!

We're dead? I'll kill you!

- [Patty, Selma, Homer growling, grunting] - Separate!

[Marge strains, grunts]

- [both groan] - [Homer grunts]

We did it, boys. We prayed our way out.

- Yay! - Yay!

Birthday ruined!

[groaning]

Okay, so there we are, in the finals of the kid show softball league,

it is 110 degrees and we're playing those psycho cheaters from Bluey.

They slide spikes up, that's for sure.

And this is another activity you missed out on with your work family?

I wasn't invited.

That's on them.

Well, in our defense, you don't seem like you want to do things with the crew.

You don't look anyone in the eye.

You address people by their shirt color.

That's not true, green shirt.

Herschella Krustofsky, you self-absorbed degenerate freak!

You're a lonely, sad narcissist who has no connection to his fellow man.

You're an empty Hollywood elitist clown

who's gonna die alone on a toilet kissing your own headshot.

I don't know how to connect with nobodies.

It's not my fault.

Listen up, and listen good.

The problem is you.

[crying]

My God, you're right.

I'm the problem.

I've worked with these good people for 30 years

and I haven't made a single friend.

If I can't change, I'll never be happy.

And we'll be back after this word from 3 Day Clams,

fresh clams, from the sea to your door in three business days.

[Aunt Sadie] Listen up, and listen good.

The problem is you.

Brake!

- [shouts, grunts] - [crashes]

"The problem is you." [chuckles] What a catchphrase.

We could build an entire TV show out of that.

Krusty's brash, no nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is Aunt Sadie

fixes broken relationships in 30 minutes?

Exactly.

Like Judge Judy, but we get the money.

All we have to do is choose the heaviest metallic sound effect

for when the title slams in.

[metal crashing]

[Krusty] Coming up on The Problem Is You,

Aunt Sadie faces her toughest challenge yet.

And I'm there too!

What's hiding behind those chuckles, hmm?

Another glass of rosé will not fix this.

[Krusty continues] And you won't believe where the final finger points.

The problem is you!

Mmm. Hmm.

Oh. Old Maid looks 20 years younger.

Dad, I thought you hated family game night.

No, I hated extended family game night.

With your evil, terrible aunts.

Can you please make up with them?

We really need six people to play The Three Duos of Half-Dozen Mountain.

Honey, if I could wave a magic wand and make Patty and Selma not suck, I would.

But it's probably best we get used to never seeing them again.

[doorbell rings]

- [screams] Them! - Where's Marge?

Is she okay?

She texted us she fell off the roof cleaning the gutters.

I lied about that to get you all here together.

I did clean the gutters, though.

And I did fall off the roof.

After all these years, it's obvious I can't get

the three of you to stop fighting.

[brakes squeal]

But I think I found someone who can.

Homer, Patty, Selma.

By the time I'm done with you, you'll be as close as a family can be.

[all scream]

Marge, dear, what's the who, why and how of this family row?

Well, it's complicated.

I hate jerks and they hate cool guys.

End of story.

We didn't like each other from the start.

But things got really ugly at that fateful baby shower.

[Selma] We wanted that day to be perfect for our sister.

And it was.

[Patty] Until this idiot botched the one and only job we'd given him.

- I got the cake. - [both scream]

We said a carrot cake.

I know, but chocolate is me and Marge's favorite.

[breathing heavily]

Luckily, I brought a backup carrot cake

because I knew "The Impreginator" here would screw it up.

- You undermining land-hags! - What's the matter?

You tell these traitors that your favorite cake is chocolate,

and that you despise carrot cake because it's a garden salad with frosting!

It's fine. Please don't fight.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

See, see? I like both cakes.

No, she doesn't.

Eat wrong cake.

[grunting]

[Marge] It was at that moment I realized the only solution

was to keep my husband and sisters separated from then on.

So, Marge, who was right?

What is your favorite cake flavor?

It's neither. I like vanilla. Only vanilla.

The less flavor, the better.

Vanilla is the opposite of chocolate.

Carrot is the opposite of cake!

Marge ruined her life when she met you!

Shut up!

I've heard enough of your bip-da-bip-da-bip!

You three disgust me.

May you walk under a falling air conditioner.

That said, the problem...

is you!

- [all gasp] - Me?

How can I be the problem?

I'm the Marge of this.

Oh, please.

If you actually wanted peace, you'd stop interfering.

Let these three lunatics work out their meshugas among themselves!

Why on earth would I want them to fight?

So you could be the martyr.

You keep them separated so they won't stop fighting.

God forbid they should ever bury the hatchet and who knows... [scoffs]

...become friends?

Because then Saint Marge doesn't get to run the show!

- [Marge shouts] - [crashing]

- [Bart] Hey! - [crashing continues]

[Marge] Lamp! Ooh, ow.

That's the craziest thing I ever heard.

I'm the nicest.

I love everyone.

Out, out, out, out. Get out.

I unsign all the waivers.

Shh. Shoo, shoo, shoo.

This is what showbiz is all about, huh, Wayne the Grip?

The camaraderie.

[yelps] Why do you know my name? Please don't fire me.

I need to support my stepson's illegal street racing habit.

Relax, my fruit-vaping friend.

I'm just like you, a member of the crew family.

Really? You always seemed like you couldn't stand us below-the-line guys.

Ugh. What I can't stand is that old-fashioned Hollywood expression.

Why should there be some imaginary line separating the so-called "talent"

from the hardworking riffraff like you?

If I could, I'd make it so the line never existed.

[chuckles] That's pretty cool of you, man.

You know, I'm hosting a crawfish boil this weekend for the crew.

You should come.

You're inviting me to your that?

Just watch out for my friend Jimmy.

He will flick you in the nuts if you're not looking.

I look forward to it.

Where does that judgmental old clown-aunt get off saying I'm the problem?

How could I be the reason you three don't get along?

[chuckles] That lady's off her rocker.

Thank you, sweetie.

You always know how to agree with me.

Yes, I do.

[scoffs] As if there were a world where I'd be friends with my worst enemies.

[thinking] Hmm. Friends with Patty and Selma.

What are you doing here, Homer?

This isn't you.

You're not this person.

So, here we all are.

If I could have stayed away, I would have.

Part of me wants to run.

Part of me knows I'm through running.

Do you think there's any truth to what the mean lady said?

That we would be friends if not for Marge?

I know I don't wanna believe it.

We need to figure out if this is real.

I know a place where we can explore these feelings discreetly.

Patty and Selma, welcome to Moe's.

Weird how the sunlight stops at the doorway.

Like it's afraid to come in.

Yeah, a scientist tried to explain it one time and went crazy.

[Moe] Homer. Psst. Homer!

Hey, I said "psst!"

Who are these two goddesses?

They're Marge's sisters.

Midge has two hotter sisters?

Patty and Selma.

Pidge and Sidge?

Well, yeah. They're twins.

Oh, my God. Twins?

I always dreamed of hooking up with twins,

ever since I saw that old commercial for the movie Twins.

Patty's a lesbian, so I don't think--

And one of 'em has zero interest in men?

I think I'm in love over here.

How could you keep this from me? How could you do it?

- [Homer] Hmm. - [Selma] Hmm.

[Homer] Hmm.

All these years, we treated each other like garbage,

but it was Marge's fault.

I hope we can find it in ourselves to forgive her.

Seeing as we're such great people, we probably will.

To the three...

amigos?

Four. You're so fat, you count twice.

Zing!

"Twice."

Said the spinster with a toilet brush for a head!

- Zing! - [all laugh]

- Good one. - Now that we're buddies,

our horrible insults are just delightful zings.

Look, Homer, it's your head.

It's even got your IQ!

Zing!

[creaking]

[grunting] It's like I'm being crushed by two sacks of wet mail!

[both grunting] Zing!

Did you have to audition for this part or did your agent just get a call?

[whispers] Zing.

Thirty-eight minutes.

No hints.

I stayed out of the way.

Homer?

[all scream] Marge!

Dad, are you hanging out with Patty and Selma?

- [both stammering] - No, the thing is...

It seems like you guys are friends.

- I wouldn't just... Why would I... - [both stammering]

If you guys are getting along without me,

the problem is me.

[metal crashing]

Open.

- Friends. - [Patty] Mmm. Unlikely friends.

[Homer] Now, remember, no splashing.

- [splashing] - [Homer giggling] Oh, no.

Mom, you should go down and join them.

No. I'd only cause trouble.

Because I'm the problem.

[groans]

Of course you're not.

No, I am. It's fine though.

Your father and my sisters getting along was my dream,

and it happened, and now my life is perfect.

Hooray for TV therapy. Hooray, hooray, hooray!

So perfect that you're up here watching them

while you refold laundry that's already been folded?

Maybe I don't do things right the first time.

Or any time.

[whimpering]

Bart, Mom has candy!

Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy!

[whimpering continues]

[sobs]

I ruined everything.

Candy?

[groaning]

Krusty! You made it!

Like I'm not gonna drive three hours to be with my crew family.

You got a little water prison for the kids. Nice.

Oh, it's a pool.

No, pools go in the ground.

Oh, you gotta meet my neighbors.

That's Phil, he's a cop.

Joe, cop.

Cop, cop, cop.

[chuckling] I love law enforcement and laws.

Hey, little help, K-dog?

[chuckles] I can do this.

I bet on this sport.

[grunts]

[children crying]

[child] Mommy!

Walk it off, Jayden. Walk it off.

The dunes are calling your name, bro!

[partygoers cheering]

My stepson's stepson, he built this baby out of boat parts.

So no brakes or safety features to weigh you down.

Smart.

Is there a helmet?

Statistically, you're safer without one.

Gotta do your own research.

Okay, I can do this.

Just take it slow and steady.

- [yelps] - [crashes]

- [partygoers gasp] - [Krusty grunting]

Hey, the CPR worked!

Hey, when your heart stopped, which heaven did you see?

Jet Ski paintball next weekend at Concrete Lake, K-dog! You in?

Wouldn't miss it.

[announcer] It's The Problem Is You

Season Finale Reunion Special!

[cheering]

Welcome!

On our first hit season, we solved a lot of problems.

And here they are now!

[audience cheers]

So, how's everybody doing?

[stammering] When you find out that you're the problem,

even though you could have sworn, and I mean with every fiber of your being,

that it was the other guy,

it's very, well...

Uh, I don't know, freeing? I don't know.

I was so controlling of Percival, but now I just let him roam free.

Oh, Aunt Sadie, you changed all our lives.

Once you helped Marge step back from decades of sabotaging us,

it's been so good for her.

- Right, honey? - That's right.

I'm gonna be honest.

There was a time when I thought maybe we were doing something wrong.

But we were completely blameless.

Not me. I'm to blame.

The problem is Marge.

All those things that used to bother me about Marge's sisters,

they just don't anymore.

I can remember, for example, when I wouldn't be able

to stand the way he's breathing right now.

Oh. Was I breathing loud? I'm sorry.

Doesn't bother me either.

Good. Because the cigarette ash in your eyebrows doesn't bother me.

I'm not sitting here thinking, "How could there be so much of it?"

[Patty, Selma grumble]

Kumiko, tell me, is your husband still skipping

the episode "previously on's" even though you find them helpful?

You wanna know something else that doesn't bother me?

That he only cuts his fingernails on his left hand.

I'm a righty, so I can't use the clippers with my left.

Again, it doesn't bother us.

[laughs] Hey, Marge, you wanna step in here?

You mean separate you?

Oh, no. No, not me.

I don't do that anymore.

You disgust me!

- Groom yourself! - You first!

You don't yell at a reunion show, you sick morons!

Look at these losers I cured.

Cheapskate, fixed!

Daddy issues, fixed!

Impotent, came to terms with.

[groans]

You fixed nothing!

You plaster over real problems with an easy catchphrase.

These three have hated each other since the moment they met.

And all you did was give them a reason to not feel guilty about it.

Don't talk to me about guilt.

I invented guilt!

No! It's my turn to yell! And point and point and point!

You can't solve relationships in 30 minutes.

It requires years of constant hard work and deep self-reflection from all parties.

I didn't sign up for self-reflection.

Now you want me to work at my marriage?

Oh, I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the pugs!

[arguing]

I'm Marge Simpson, and the problem is not me.

I see it now.

The problem's not me either.

I was wrong to try to form human connections

with the people that work for me.

Well, I don't think that's the lesson.

Why should I spend time with anyone below-the-line?

The line is there for a reason.

The line is an absolute good.

The line is life!

I always knew that guy was a phony.

Let's go rub our butts on his sushi.

Don't you leave me!

I've got an hour to fill with you mental cases.

You need my yelling!

I'm so sorry for your loss, Krusty.

Who said you could talk to me?

Oh! Here we go.

That's Jimmy!

[Sideshow Mel] If you're like me, and you love shellfish,

and you're not in a hurry...

Did you know that 94% of clams are perfectly safe to eat

after three business days?

So the next time it's Wednesday, and you feel like having clams

on the following Monday, visit three-day-clams.com.

Order a dozen little necks and get a shucker for free.

Though with three-day-old clams, they practically open themselves.

One taste and you'll say, "Wow.

These clams are fresh enough."

Consult your physician before ordering 3 Day Clams.

See terms and restrictions at three-day-clams.com.

Delivery and all food-poisoning concerns, call 1-555-CLAM-HELP.

3 Day Clams is not an endorsement of eating three-day-old clams.