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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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[announcer]
C-SPAN5 now takes you to testimony
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00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:14,514
before the Joint Committee
on Terrible Events.
4
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,853
{\an8}The Chair recognizes
the woman with the four-foot beehive.
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{\an8}Please state your name and occupation.
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{\an8}Um, Marjorie Bouvier Simpson.
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{\an8}Mother to three children and a husband.
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{\an8}She's raising us all on her own.
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{\an8}[whining]
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{\an8}Mrs. Simpson, please walk us
through the events of March 12th.
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00:00:38,955 --> 00:00:43,460
{\an8}Well, it all started with what was
supposed to be a happy family trip.
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00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:48,005
{\an8}The Simpsons are going to
Pile Ridge, Louisiana.
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00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,632
{\an8}Oh, the trip is already ruined.
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{\an8}What is this gunk?
15
00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:55,262
{\an8}Oh. That's my lentil soup.
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{\an8}[groans] Lisa.
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00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:02,394
{\an8}Well, what else am I supposed to eat
at your family's barbaric pig butchery?
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00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,605
{\an8}It's... [speaks French] ...boucherie.
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00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:09,234
{\an8}It's a cherished Bouvier tradition
that reunites our extended family
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00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:12,154
{\an8}and celebrates our Cajun roots.
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{\an8}And they shoot the pig in the head,
John Wick-style.
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00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:18,035
{\an8}- Look!
- Stop. It's horrifying.
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{\an8}Mmm. Delicious.
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[shrieks] Horrifying!
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Mr. Simpson, as I understand it,
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{\an8}you were enticed by the thought of
enjoying savory meats,
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{\an8}but repulsed by
the appearance of your wife's family.
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{\an8}Yes, Senator. I cannot perjure myself.
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{\an8}They are barf in human form.
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{\an8}I reclaim my time.
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{\an8}Traveling brings out
Homer's worst qualities.
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Oh! All the seats are taken
by jerks and their bags.
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Maybe we can sit in there.
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That looks comfy.
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Squirt em' if you got em'.
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[groans] Oh.
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- [growling]
- Your hoops are quivering, calm down.
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00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,081
Now boarding active-duty TV clowns.
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00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,583
- [tires screech]
- [Homer screams]
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{\an8}[sniffing] Some sober companion you are.
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00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:12,965
{\an8}I'm only three hours out of rehab,
and I can smell the booze on ya.
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00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,800
{\an8}You mean my hand sanitizer?
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{\an8}Ooh, daddy want.
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{\an8}[gulps]
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Mrs. Simpson, we're overbooked.
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00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,432
Your seats are no longer together.
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00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:25,936
This is bull. I demand to speak
to Sully Sullenburger.
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00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:28,689
Homer, stop it. You always do this.
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00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,150
- You'll get us banned.
- So?
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We'll take our business else-- [muffled]
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There is no elsewhere.
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Because of your past behavior,
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you're on the no-fly list
of every other airline in the country.
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00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,288
Even Spirit.
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00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:45,789
Try it again.
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00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:49,626
[engine cranking, sputtering]
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So, unless you want
all our future vacations
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to be at my mother's house,
talking her into hospice,
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you will hold it together on this flight.
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I promise, Marge. I won't let you down.
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I do have some good news.
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We have one free upgrade
for a seat in first class.
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00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:09,396
Ooh, I bet I'd really keep
my promise to behave
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00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:12,566
if I'm in that spacious lie-flat pod.
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Well, you'll never know. Yoink!
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[kisses]
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Nuh-uh, sweetie. First-class is this way.
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- Welcome.
- Oh, my God.
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I'm turning left.
I didn't know planes had a left.
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[gasps] Ooh.
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Oh.
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Oh, the seat is so plush and comfy.
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May I get you anything?
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I want everything.
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The whole first-class experience.
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Cold bubbly, warm nuts, hot towel,
all the temperatures.
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00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:54,983
Let's start you out
with a complimentary Moët mimosa
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00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:57,486
with extra zest and a little... Oh.
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00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:00,740
Ooh. [snoring]
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00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,036
Okay, Homer, you can do this.
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00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,622
Have a pleasant flight for Marge.
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- [passenger 1] Damn!
- [passenger 2] Ow, my head.
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- [passenger 3] Watch it!
- [passenger 4] I hate the isle.
84
00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:15,170
[Homer] God,
don't let this slob be next to me.
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00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,839
[Comic Book Guy] God,
don't let this slob be next to me.
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00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,007
[both] Oh.
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00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:20,300
[on PA] Good morning, everyone.
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My name is Joel,
and I'll be your wingman today.
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[passengers chuckle]
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00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:27,724
[chuckles] Thank you.
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00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:30,727
Just a reminder,
federal law prohibits smoking of any kind,
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unless like me, you're smokin' hot.
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[sizzles]
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[passengers chuckle]
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00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:40,696
Oh, great, forced comedy
at 9:00 in the morning.
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00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:44,283
- [video game beeping]
- No, Maggie. Screens turn brains to mush.
97
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,952
That's why Bart has to take ESL classes.
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00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,538
I'll parent you
how I wanted to be parented.
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00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,374
And sibling you
how I wanted to be sibl'ed,
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00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:56,461
with my Jazz Legends A to Z flash cards.
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00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:58,588
Cannonball Adderley!
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00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:01,133
He was more hard bop then bebop.
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00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,342
Okay, movie fans,
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it's time for everybody's
favorite in-flight flick,
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the safety demo.
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00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,933
Remember this come Oscar time. [wheezes]
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[passengers chuckle]
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[groans]
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Good thing I've got
my annoyance-canceling headphones.
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00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:20,068
Oof. We are really packed in here,
aren't we?
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00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:23,071
Something is very wrong with this plane.
112
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- This is a trap!
- [passengers groaning]
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It's a conspiracy to take us down!
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00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,076
- [passenger 1] Get out of here!
- [passenger 2] Oh!
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00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:31,663
They're experimenting on us.
I won't be a rat in your flying cage!
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- [passenger 3] Bye-bye.
- [sighs] A seat for my second cheek.
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00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:36,835
Yo, travel trolls.
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00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,171
A crazy lady just got kicked off
the plane,
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00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:42,007
so I jump-squatted a sweet aisle seat.
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00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:45,052
Give my 40,000 followers
a moan, bald dude.
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D'oh.
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[♪ music plays]
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♪ D'oh, D'oh, D-D-D-D-D'oh ♪
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00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,810
♪ D-D-D-D-D'oh ♪
125
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,147
[Homer gasps] Toenail clipper?
126
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:58,316
Sardine eater?
127
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,651
Disgusto flossers?
128
00:06:01,652 --> 00:06:02,986
- Hi-yah!
- Ow!
129
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:05,322
Karate children? [groans]
130
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:10,911
Marge, I'm trying to hold it together,
just like I promised.
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[buzzes]
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[sighs]
133
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:22,172
But it seems like this plane is filled
with all the worst flyers in the world.
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00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:23,840
{\an8}Well, his text was correct, Senator.
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00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:27,469
Our airline serves the fastest-growing
demographic in air travel,
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00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,513
the criminally obnoxious.
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00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:33,476
{\an8}At Convenience Airways,
we fly the no-fly list.
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Mr. Wingspan,
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00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,610
{\an8}if that is your funny name.
140
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:48,448
{\an8}You mean to tell us that you filled
an entire plane with obnoxious people
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00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:50,575
{\an8}who were banned from other airlines?
142
00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:54,329
{\an8}Yes. Our business model
is to cater to CIFs,
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00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,581
{\an8}Civility Impaired Fliers.
144
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,959
{\an8}- [child] Hi-yah!
- [grunts] Control your team.
145
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,295
Violence is a form of control.
146
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,424
[karate children] Yes, Sensei. Hi-yah!
147
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{\an8}This was our inaugural flight,
148
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{\an8}testing if the innovative precautions
we had taken
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00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:14,433
{\an8}were enough to safely transport
the rudest of the rude.
150
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,601
{\an8}- Like this man.
- [all gasp]
151
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,353
{\an8}[Homer] Oh, come on.
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00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:21,273
You choke out one guy
with a seat belt extender
153
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,691
and you're labeled for life.
154
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:26,445
{\an8}But on this flight,
I promised Marge I would behave.
155
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,238
{\an8}And I really tried.
156
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:29,698
{\an8}It was torture.
157
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Torture!
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[screams]
159
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,454
Who would do such a thing
to Patrick Wilson?
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00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,457
Eyes on your own screen.
161
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:40,125
[grunts]
162
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:44,464
And, no, you may not have any of
my triad of expired Christmas delights.
163
00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:48,092
Cheese, butter, caramel.
164
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:52,220
[chewing, grunting]
165
00:07:52,221 --> 00:07:55,223
And now the shower of champions.
166
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:56,641
Huzzah!
167
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,186
[groaning]
168
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,771
[coughing]
169
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:05,358
Uh, excuse me.
I promised my wife I wouldn't fight
170
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:08,069
or yell or pee anywhere
other than the bathroom,
171
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:11,656
but this guy next to me
is making it really hard.
172
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,033
What guy?
173
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,243
The Comic Book Guy guy.
174
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,496
Huh? He just disappeared.
175
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,500
Well, it looks like
the problem took care of itself.
176
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,210
That is so weird.
177
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,921
Hey, guys. You asked for it, I'm doing it.
178
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:29,382
The bathroom-sink-shrimp-scampi challenge.
179
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:30,467
[groans] Oh.
180
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:34,638
Marge, I'm barely
holding it together back here.
181
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:38,141
Please text me back
some sweet words of comfort.
182
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:39,893
- [phone chimes]
- [buzzes]
183
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,813
[Marge snoring]
184
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:46,484
[Krusty snoring] Hey, hey.
185
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,987
- [Sideshow Mel] Huzzah!
- Hey, hey.
186
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,573
Zounds!
187
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,578
[grunts]
188
00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:00,413
Needs tonic.
189
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:02,582
[slurps]
190
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,085
- [video game beeping]
- [cackling]
191
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,088
Die, die, die!
192
00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:09,924
{\an8}No, don't die!
193
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,050
They're all dead.
194
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:14,136
[groans] I need to play something.
195
00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:17,180
- [grunting]
- [button chiming]
196
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:18,765
I'm winning! I'm winning!
197
00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:20,100
Just a reminder, folks,
198
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:23,478
the call button
is only for real emergencies.
199
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:26,273
Like if you're down to
your last guess on Wordle.
200
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,692
- [passengers chuckle]
- [button chimes]
201
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:32,654
Uh, I have a real emergency.
Your jokes suck.
202
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,448
[passengers laugh]
203
00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:37,659
S is for Sun Ra.
204
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:41,788
He's a little abstract,
but when you get it, you'll really get it.
205
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,999
Dig this.
206
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,877
[♪ jazz music plays]
207
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:49,796
[crying]
208
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:52,215
Somebody shut that brat up!
209
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:53,633
Oh, that's my brat.
210
00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:54,718
Stop judging her!
211
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,469
I don't know what to do.
212
00:09:56,470 --> 00:10:01,224
I've been turning the jazz up as loud
as I can, but it's not soothing her.
213
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:03,476
- Is this an airline or a nursery?
- [crying continues]
214
00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:06,688
Mustn't punch the jerk.
215
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:07,981
It's so loud!
216
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:11,693
I can barely hear myself
feel up my mistress under this blanket.
217
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:15,739
Okay, gang. We're about to start
our beverage and snack service.
218
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,198
If you feel like a pretzel,
219
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:21,578
that means the guy in front of you
has his seat all the way back.
220
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:23,496
[passengers chuckle]
221
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,875
Just because it sounds like a joke
doesn't mean it is one.
222
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,586
- [passengers laughing]
- [passenger] This kid.
223
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:34,049
Come back in ten years, kid.
I got voicemails older than you. Ha!
224
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,843
[passengers chuckle]
225
00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:40,180
And now it's time for your headliner, me.
226
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:44,100
This guy's jokes suck so hard,
we're about to lose cabin pressure.
227
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:46,686
[passengers laugh]
228
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,356
Okay. Okay. People, don't encourage him!
229
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,858
Is what Joel's guidance counselor
told his parents.
230
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:53,527
[passengers laugh]
231
00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:55,863
Give me that!
232
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:01,117
[imitating Joel] This is your unfunny
flight attendant Joel speaking.
233
00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:03,870
Here are some more of my terrible jokes.
234
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,874
[imitating sounds of flatulence]
235
00:11:11,295 --> 00:11:14,882
- [imitation continues]
- [passengers laughing]
236
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,803
[whispers] Left forward lavatory.
237
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:20,804
- [crashing]
- [Bart screams]
238
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,055
- [crying]
- Okay.
239
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:26,727
So daddy doesn't get into a fistfight,
we're going to take a little walk.
240
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,730
Dad, I figured out
what's gonna calm Maggie.
241
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:34,567
Improvisations in
the style of pre-heroin Coltrane.
242
00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:41,492
- [♪ plays jazz music]
- [cries, screams]
243
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:46,079
Mama!
244
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:51,377
No, no, we can't bother Mommy
or she'll leave us all for good.
245
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:55,296
Hey, champ.
246
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:59,718
I lost 50 grand on your pay per view
fight against Vanilla Ice.
247
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,302
You owe me.
248
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,179
Come on, c-champ.
249
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:05,432
I'm talking to you, champ.
250
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:08,017
- [gunshot]
- Oh, no, my Chekhov's gin.
251
00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:10,187
[slurps]
252
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:16,317
[grunts] Nobody licks me but my tiger.
253
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:18,069
[crying]
254
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,739
- That baby's a lap-sitting freeloader.
- [crying stops]
255
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:24,451
I am sorry you have to
put up with that guy.
256
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,911
- We're all just doing our best.
- Yeah.
257
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:30,331
Parents don't get to go
into airplane mode, do we?
258
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:33,460
Thank God. Two sensible people.
259
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,961
[alarm rings]
260
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:37,465
Wylder, it's time.
261
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,592
- Let's all sing the potty song.
- [groans]
262
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,260
- [♪ music playing]
- Oh, no. No, no, no.
263
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:45,514
Our little guy is on a strict
potty training schedule.
264
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:49,225
♪ When it's time to make a poo-poo ♪
265
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:51,436
- ♪ Give a shout. Whoo-hoo! ♪
- ♪ Give a shout. Whoo-hoo! ♪
266
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,314
Whoo-hoo!
267
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,357
No-hoo!
268
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,443
Um, do you guys have any diapers?
269
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:01,696
- Oh, we don't use the D word.
- Oh, boy.
270
00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:03,656
Deal with your biohazard!
271
00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:05,366
- Change that baby!
- What's wrong with you?
272
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:08,120
- [passenger 1] Oh, come on.
- That's not a baby, that's a hate crime.
273
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,414
- Lisa, where's the diaper bag?
- I don't have it.
274
00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:14,542
Why don't you ask your girlfriend, Maggie?
275
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:16,711
Maggie's not my girlfriend, Marge is.
276
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,131
[gasps] That's it. Marge has it.
277
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,803
[grunting]
278
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:26,471
[Homer] There's the bag.
279
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,599
Maggie, crawl through the clown fight.
280
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,227
[Krusty grunting]
281
00:13:32,686 --> 00:13:34,270
Don't kill him, champ.
282
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,649
My pension is almost vested.
283
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,991
Okay, Maggie, to the bathroom.
284
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:48,994
[♪ action music playing]
285
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,214
We made it.
286
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:03,217
[yelps] Toilet chef!
287
00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:05,885
[grunting]
288
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,805
[yelps] In-laws!
289
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,683
{\an8}Care to join our mile high book club?
290
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,226
{\an8}[yelps] Readers!
291
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,728
[whimpering]
292
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:19,608
- Sun Chips. Give me. Give me that.
- [passengers clamoring]
293
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,240
[both sigh]
294
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,244
What the...
295
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,747
Where is everybody?
296
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:37,500
Please calmly return to your seat, sir.
297
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,669
What did you do with
all the horrible people I hate?
298
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,212
Tell me what's going on!
299
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,131
Or I'll seat belt you good!
300
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,383
And why don't they make
the whole plane out of the...
301
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:48,052
black box material!
302
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:49,721
This is your captain speaking.
303
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:50,972
If you look to your left,
304
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,808
you will see the magnificent Grand Canyon.
305
00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:58,730
Unless you're one of the 246 unruly souls
306
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:03,443
who've been trapdoored into
our complimentary in-flight prison.
307
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,778
[groans] Oh.
308
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:12,161
[saxophone playing blues]
309
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:15,455
Trapdoors that lead to a prison?
310
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:16,664
Since when?
311
00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:20,251
What monster could conceive
of something this horrible?
312
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,502
{\an8}BurnsCo.
313
00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:25,423
{\an8}Proudly installing
trapdoor dungeon drops since 1926.
314
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,551
{\an8}Is there anything more satisfying
than a scream of terror
315
00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,178
{\an8}followed by a distant thud?
316
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,305
{\an8}Mr. Wingspan, this is America.
317
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:34,557
{\an8}When we violate people's civil liberties,
318
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,434
{\an8}we usually give them a heads-up.
319
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:40,021
{\an8}Drop pamphlets, send a cruise missile...
[stammers] ...something.
320
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,065
{\an8}Senator, I assure you,
321
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:45,485
{\an8}we did warn the passengers
of the potential consequences
322
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:46,945
{\an8}of their actions.
323
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,113
{\an8}It's all in the safety video.
324
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,240
But nobody watches those things.
325
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,868
[senators murmuring]
326
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:55,496
[senator 1] I certainly don't.
327
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:57,872
[flight attendant]
Should you choose to be unruly,
328
00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:01,377
you'll be trapdoored into
our belly-of-the-plane prison.
329
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:06,381
If your behavior is too extreme,
a ball gag will fall from the ceiling.
330
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:10,761
Please affix your own ball gag first
before ball-gagging your child.
331
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:13,262
See? I was right.
332
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:16,224
I tried to warn you,
but you all thought I was crazy.
333
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,143
Not to criticize,
but maybe it's your tone?
334
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,187
My tone is fine!
335
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,523
[spluttering]
336
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:26,192
And that concludes your beverage service.
337
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:27,986
[chuckle]
338
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,862
[muffled] He's very funny.
339
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:32,073
No, he's not. He sucks!
340
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:33,241
[Joel] Take that!
341
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:35,576
- [Joel laughs]
- [splutters, coughs]
342
00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:37,328
They can't do this to us.
343
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:40,790
Buying a ticket gives us
the right to do what we want.
344
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,917
There's no law in the sky.
345
00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:46,379
I say we bust out. Who's with me?
346
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,506
[all cheering] Yeah!
347
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:51,384
We'll need every available weapon.
348
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,635
I got toenail clippers.
349
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:54,387
And some pretty sharp toenails.
350
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:57,808
I got an airsick bag
of hot bathroom shrimp.
351
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,060
[Homer] My darling Marge,
352
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:04,147
I am writing you from the cusp
of yet another prison riot.
353
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:06,441
If I die in this heroic escape attempt,
354
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,359
remember me as a blameless victim.
355
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,447
One who got caught up in
the coach-to-prison pipeline.
356
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,365
BTW, lost Maggie. Hope she's with you.
357
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,576
Lots going on. Shrug emoji.
358
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:18,829
[snoring]
359
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,250
[babbling]
360
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:29,505
Marge is writing me back.
361
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:31,716
- [phone chimes]
- "Stop"? Stop what?
362
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,844
- [phone chiming]
- Wine. Wine. Wine?
363
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,846
Does she want me to stop whining?
364
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:38,848
[babbling]
365
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,767
[Homer] Bee, man.
366
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,518
- Be a man?
- [phone chimes]
367
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:44,353
X, lobster.
368
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,606
Don't be shellfish?
369
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:50,610
Oh, my God.
I am always thinking of "myshelf."
370
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,278
- [chanting] Window seat!
- [metal banging]
371
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:55,698
Window seat! Window seat!
372
00:17:55,699 --> 00:17:58,117
No. This revolt is wrong!
373
00:17:58,118 --> 00:18:00,536
I know this because
my wife just spoke to me
374
00:18:00,537 --> 00:18:03,539
in a series of direct
and unambiguous emojis.
375
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,834
Let us not be pigs or mules
376
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:09,003
or a mermaid with a fax machine.
377
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:11,464
Sure, we have to put up with baggage fees,
378
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:15,968
no legroom and those $20 "protein boxes."
379
00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:19,055
But flying is a modern miracle.
380
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:22,475
And all that's asked of us in return
381
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:26,229
is basic human decency.
382
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,481
[all sighing]
383
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:31,818
Mmm. I could be more patient
with kids and babies.
384
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,320
After all, I am a preschool teacher.
385
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:37,573
{\an8}I'm sorry I savagely beat
your husband with your hair bone.
386
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:39,242
{\an8}[stammers]
387
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,995
{\an8}He's not my... No, forget it.
388
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:47,083
So, to quote my wife,
we have to start acting civilized
389
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:52,505
and stop being a bunch of huge eggplants.
390
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:54,006
[chimes]
391
00:18:54,007 --> 00:18:57,552
[Captain] Aw. Well, folks, now that you've
exhibited a modicum of civility,
392
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,512
the handcuff sign has been turned off.
393
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,848
You are now free to return to your seats
394
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:04,392
and work through
the childhood trauma that led you
395
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,688
to behave like
the ugliest of ugly Americans today.
396
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,570
[shivering]
397
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,113
Excuse me, Mrs. Simpson.
398
00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:18,447
We'll be landing soon,
399
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:21,242
so we need you to return your seat
to its upright position.
400
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:24,245
Hmm. What? We're landing?
401
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:27,832
I slept through my first first class?
402
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:31,627
Yes, but you got
the most perfect flying experience
403
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,379
anyone could ever ask for.
404
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,299
You didn't even know you were on a plane.
405
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,050
Aw.
406
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:43,472
And then she gave me
the best cookie of my entire life.
407
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:45,558
[whines] Oh. Cookie.
408
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:49,228
After listening to the 14 hours
of testimony today,
409
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:53,733
I propose that Convenience Airways'
radical passenger control system
410
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:58,196
be approved for use
across the entire airline industry.
411
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,114
- [senators] Yes.
- I agree.
412
00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:04,035
Well, I say, trapdoor 'em all
and let the FAA sort it out.
413
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,203
{\an8}Excellent.
414
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,371
- So ordered.
- Wait.
415
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,833
{\an8}As the one person who was not
trapdoored on this flight,
416
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:13,502
{\an8}I believe I have the authority to say
417
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:18,132
{\an8}that mass in-flight incarceration
is not the answer.
418
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:23,554
{\an8}We need thoughtful solutions to this
epidemic of rudeness and disrespect.
419
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,849
{\an8}Sure, it's easy to push a button
and drop all your problems
420
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:30,478
{\an8}down a trapdoor...
421
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,188
- [thuds]
- [Marge] Ow.
422
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,233
Honey, are you hurt?
423
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,445
[Marge] I'm okay. I landed on my hair.
424
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,164
{\an8}[♪ instrumental music playing]
425
00:20:50,165 --> 00:20:53,000
{\an8}[flight attendant] In our
Convenience Airways in-flight prison,
426
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:55,586
{\an8}cigarettes are not accepted as currency.
427
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:58,589
{\an8}Preferred method of payment
is sexual favors.
428
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,842
{\an8}Please do not fashion
the courtesy toothbrush into a shiv.
429
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:05,054
{\an8}Complimentary shivs
are provided upon request.
430
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:07,431
{\an8}In the unlikely event of a water landing,
431
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:10,685
{\an8}your cellmate may be used
as a flotation device.
432
00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:12,645
{\an8}Should you tamper with your handcuffs,
433
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,939
{\an8}you will be ejected from the plane.
434
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,109
{\an8}Parachutes are available
for purchase on our website.
435
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,903
{\an8}We know you have no choice
in airplane prisons,
436
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:23,656
{\an8}but we appreciate you
being locked up with us.
437
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:27,202
{\an8}And don't forget to sign up for
our frequent felon program.
33398
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