Original subtitles

[♪ circus music plays]

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird

that a strange circus just appeared out of nowhere?

Oh, come on, Lisa. You love "circuseses."

I hate them.

I've literally gotten three shut down just in the past year.

Yes, but this one's only exploiting people.

I wanna see the dog-faced man.

And the man-faced dog.

- Who walks who? [chuckles] - [Bart chuckles]

Mom, surely you're not--

Step right up and see pint-sized Hercules, the world's strongest boy.

- [gasps] He's got tiny little abs. - [Lisa groans]

[ringmaster] I'm sorry, but you're fired.

Times have changed.

You're just not the draw you used to be.

You've got fewer tattoos than the average chef.

Yes, but mine are--

Mystical portals to an alternate reality.

Look, if kids want mystical portals, they'll look at their phones.

Hand over your freak badge and your tattoo gun.

[gasps]

Excuse me, how much to see the Illustrated Man?

Forget it, kid. I'm retired.

- Okay. Best of luck to you. - [chuckles] You don't give up, do you?

All right. Have a seat.

If you stare at one of my tattoos long enough,

it tells a story.

Strange and unusual.

How long does it take?

It's a miracle! Give it two seconds.

Strange and unusual.

- [wind whistling] - [gasps]

[person screams, muffled]

- What the... - [screaming continues]

Hello?

Lady?

Is someone down there?

[lady screams, muffled]

Ah, gee whiz! She's buried alive.

Hang in there, lady. I'll get help.

Mom. Dad. There's a screaming woman in the woods, and she's buried alive.

We gotta dig her out!

Calm down, noisy pants.

You know your father only has a two-hour lunch break.

But she's screaming for help!

Speaking of screaming women,

I heard that Luann Van Houten got into a row with Miss Hoover

for telling everyone that Luann dyes her hair.

She's got enough trouble married to a dead-end dipstick like Kirk.

Stop gossiping, sir and ma'am. The lady's gonna run out of air.

I used to work with that loser at Double Beef Burger.

They'd play their jingle all day long.

- Now, how did that go? - [groans] Who cares about burger jingles?

She's gonna die!

I think we all know this is another one of your famous fibs.

Yeah. Like that time you said there was a boy in the woods crying wolf,

and when we got there, there was no boy at all.

Just a fat wolf.

[grunts]

Oh, come on. Pick up, pick up.

[string vibrating]

Milhouse, what are you doing?

Just playing a game on my phone.

Listen to me. There's a screaming woman buried in the woods,

- and I need your help digging her up. - No can do, Bart.

I'm at my grandma's.

Had my calls forwarded.

I won't be back for another three days.

We can play the screaming woman game then.

It's not a game!

Oh! I lost all my high scores.

All right. I'll just check every house in the neighborhood

until I find the one that's missing a lady.

Oh. Hi, Mrs. Van Houten. Never mind. Glad you're not in a hole.

Is something the matter, Bart?

There's a screaming woman buried in the woods,

but everyone thinks I'm lying.

A screaming woman?

That does sound serious.

You believe me?

Of course.

Why not come inside and tell me more over a nice glass of milk?

Thanks, but we should hurry. I don't think she has much time left.

Time enough for one more glass of milk, I bet.

I shouldn't. Milk makes me sleepy.

Milhouse should be home soon.

[stammers] He's with his Hula-Hoop tutor.

I thought he was at his grandmother's.

Oh... [chuckles] ...whatever gave you that idea?

Bottoms up.

Now, you must be ready for a nap.

No, I have to save... [yawns] ...the lad...

- Nighty night. - [door locks]

Must stay awake.

[grunts, gasps]

Lady! Are you still alive down there?

Give me a sign! Please!

You can't be dead. You can't.

I'm sorry, lady. I tried.

The one time I'm not lying to make other people look stupid for believing me,

and no one will believe me.

- ♪ The beefiest beef eats other beef ♪ - Wait. Are you singing?

♪ The beefiest beef eats other beef ♪

♪ Double Beef Burger's beef-fed beef ♪

You just sang our old burger jingle.

How could you possibly know it?

Because the screaming woman just sang it to me.

[gasps] That's no screaming woman.

It's a screaming Kirk!

I was wondering when you were gonna finish that thought.

[screams]

[coughs, groans]

Oh, thank you, Bart. Oh, you saved me.

Is this the woman who buried you?

He let Miss Hoover see him buying my hair dye.

The shame.

What choice did I have?

Uh, she's got a point.

Here in the 1950s, murder is much more socially acceptable

than, uh, you know, divorce.

You're free to go.

So, a-are you mad at me?

You kinda seem like you're mad at me.

Oh, honey, we'll never doubt you again.

Really?

Lisa's a communist.

Mmm? Take her away, Chief.

Wow. Your tattoos really are magic.

What's that one about?

Eh, that one tells the story of a brief period

when I was very into the band Sublime.

This one does something.

Item 22 on the agenda: preparations for Flag Day.

Yeah, it's seven months away.

And we are woefully behind.

I'd like to get your opinion on some bunting samples.

Oh, kill me.

Now, uh, the price per yard on this one is a bit high,

but the drape will make it the comeliest thing on a pole you've ever seen.

You know, you're a tragic figure.

Like Hamlet if he was boring and a principal

and-and an idiot.

Another Gallo, barkeep.

[stammers] Leave the box.

Hey, pal.

You don't look like the kind of guy who drinks alone just for the fun of it.

What's eating at you?

Have you ever been forced to spend all of your time with someone

whose very existence just sucks the will to live right out of you?

What if I told you today's modern science has a solution to that very problem?

Come with me.

How is this possible? He-He looks just like you.

Not he. It.

It's an exact robot replica of me.

A very hush-hush new technology.

How do they work?

They're full of gears. Hundreds of 'em.

Gears, of course.

But you made a mechanical doppelgänger of yourself

just to hang out with your best friend?

Uh, well, Lenny's really into jigsaw puzzles, and I am not.

So whenever he breaks one out, I send in Robot Carl.

Call that number, and start living your best life.

My, my. You are quite the me.

Now, h-how does one power you up?

Well, I do enjoy a good cup of coffee in the morning.

Oh, as do I, yes.

Nature's pipe cleaner, I call it.

But you would know that, uh, being me. Only in robot form, of course.

Yes, quite. A-And you the human me, a-as it were.

- Indeed. Yes. - Very good.

- Well, there you have it. - Have it, we do.

So how can I help?

I like a man who gets right to the point.

I know you do.

Uh, yes, you would. Well, uh, shall we?

Lead the way.

Hmm. Hmm.

Have a good day, Superintendent.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I don't think my programming would allow it.

What are you doing here? I-I just saw you at the school.

- [panting] - [panting]

[panting] How... How are there two of you?

[pants]

I ordered a robot me so I wouldn't have to be around you anymore.

What? You don't Robot Skinner me, I Robot Chalmers you.

You're the annoying one.

And you're the mean one.

Oh, you'd yell your name at you if you had to deal with you too.

I would find myself highly tolerable.

[pants] Guy from the bar that night. Thank God I found you.

You gotta destroy that robot before it's too late.

What's wrong with the robots?

I don't know what happened. Something with the gears, maybe.

Good God.

Robot Carl started thinking for himself, and it wasn't pretty.

Last night, the robot tells me he planned a trip to Niagara Falls

for him and Lenny. Well, that sounds like fun.

So I says, "I'm going because I'm the real Carl."

And then he starts crying, which they ain't supposed to do.

But when I tried to shove him in his crate,

that windup dingus fought back with robot super strength.

So I did the only thing I could.

You gotta act fast.

Once the robots start feeling emotions, there's no telling what could happen.

Uh, children, we have recently become aware

of an extraordinary human concept.

It's called friendship.

Dear God. Emotions.

We're too late.

In order to promote friend-making,

students are encouraged to call their teachers by their first names.

First-name-calling?

No, that can only lead to the breakdown of the social order.

Wanton high-fiving, T-shirts worn as real shirts.

Well, let's give it a try, shall we?

Hello, Seymour.

Howdy, Gary.

[grunts]

[children cheering]

[grunting]

You like feelings, huh?

How does my fist feel? Huh?

Go back to hell, you bionic bastard.

[cheering]

This is the best assembly ever.

Don't shoot. I'm the real Chalmers.

He's lying. Shoot him.

Shoot the one on the left.

- Right! - Left!

[children, overlapping] Right! Left!

Shoot 'em both! It's the only way to be sure!

Look... Look, we were wrong to play God.

But if there's anything I have learned from all of this,

other than don't make robots of yourself,

it's that I could afford to be a little bit nicer to you, Seymour.

Skinner! He's obviously the robot.

Shoot him!

God, you're an idiot!

[sighs] I know the real Chalmers when I hear him.

No!

[cheering]

[breathing heavily] I forgive you, Seymour.

I know that you'll...

you'll plan a wonderful Flag Day.

[sobs]

[Nelson] Ha-ha!

Um, I couldn't help but notice

some lovely bunting samples in your office.

Perhaps you could, uh, walk me through them?

I'd like that, Gary.

Well, it's nine o'clock, so--

Please don't go.

Let me spin just one more tale of the strange and fantastical.

Cast your gaze just above my hernia scar,

and travel to a chillingly plausible future.

- Firemen! - [gasps]

We have a report of subversive content in this house.

Step away from the lowbrow entertainment.

Uh, I'm sorry. I was just curious.

It won't happen again.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Not after a little reeducation, it won't.

Homer, hurry.

The new episode of Robber Barons is about to start.

The very idea. An elevated train under the ground?

I require no crystal ball to see that your invention will never work,

Mr. Thaddeus Subway.

Who's that guy with the mustache?

Who's that other mustache?

It's so dark. Can we brighten it?

This is how the director meant for us to watch it.

Our squinting reinforces the themes.

[sighs] It's gotta be almost over, right?

This is still the recap from last week.

Aw.

Homer, it's our civic duty to watch

the most densely-plotted television we can.

That's why lowbrow entertainment was outlawed.

[Homer groans]

Hey, guys. Great job on that last raid.

We took out 32 seasons of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

and the last known episode of Last Man Standing.

Have you guys ever watched any of that lowbrow stuff we burn?

- Uh, illegal much? - [alarm blares]

All right. Let's go start fires instead of putting 'em out.

Up we go.

[grunts]

Fire department!

Hmm?

- [man chuckles] - [goat bleats]

[man screams]

[laughing]

I thought goat was going to eat carrot,

but goat chomped farmer in the junk!

[laughing]

Don't burn it, lad.

You like what you see?

[whispers] Take it, watch it, find us.

Did you all read Alan Sepinwall III's recap

of the season finale of The Habsburgs?

- [chattering] - Yeah, absolutely.

Do you guys ever wish TV could be dumb and fun?

So when you watch it, you just laugh?

Thank you for a lovely evening, Marge.

- [comedy sound effects on TV] - [laughing]

Dad? What were you watching?

Son, you're the one person in this family that might understand this.

It's possible we've been wrong about everything.

The dog that sneezed in the baby's face, what's his backstory?

There's no backstory. It just is.

Which is its own kind of innovative narrative?

No, no narrative.

Oh, forget it.

Please, Son, just don't tell anyone about this.

I trust you.

Reports of lowbrow contraband.

Why, Son?

Why did you betray me?

I trusted you!

Merch.

[yelps] Burn-master General, Siegfried Blaze.

Homer, you disappoint me.

Don't you see that we set fires for the good of humanity?

We learned long ago

that entertainment must fully occupy the consciousness of the population.

You're using quality TV to control us.

Yes. These challenging shows are the perfect distraction

from how dystopian our dystopia is.

You monster!

Am I?

Do you know what entertainment was like in the before times?

Comfort shows you could just put on in any order

while you looked at your phone.

Oh, that sounds like heaven.

Don't worry. A little reeducation, and you'll be as good as new.

Strap him to the viewing chamber for four seasons of...

Mozart in the Jungle.

[grunts] I choose crap!

Barney. I can't explain, but I need to switch clothes with you.

What fun!

Huh?

[robotic voice] Threat neutralized.

[Homer whimpers]

[gasps] The symbol from the tape.

Please let me in!

I just wanna watch something that isn't very good.

[Homer yelps]

They said there were others like me.

[gasps] Lowbrow.

Hey-hey.

This is all that remains of the old civilization.

Singing contests, real housewives, The Golden Bachelor,

all yours to enjoy.

[sighs] I never dreamed there was this much nothing.

[explosion]

Thank you, Homer, for leading us here.

Hey, isn't that the guy who created Breaking Bad?

Vince Gilligan? Where?

Let them go.

They have no garbage left to watch.

[Homer] Some say the world is destined to drown

in an ocean of prestige television,

but so long as we tell the tales of singers masked

and Kardashians kept up with,

garbage will live forever.

And then Sheldon said, "Bazinga."

So, in the end, the only rules that mattered were the Vanderpump rules.

And that night, my friends, the funniest home video in all of America

was deemed to be: "Squirrel Falls in Grandma's Soup."

[cloaked people gasp]

Wow. Those stories were amazing,

but I guess I should be leaving this strange featureless void?

What happened? Where am I?

You were kind enough to listen to the required stories three,

and this is your eternal reward.

No! Get me outta here!

I don't want to be a living tattoo!

Eh, don't worry. You'll make friends in no time.

Hi.

♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪

♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪

- [grunts] No! - ♪Well, I had a million dollars, but I... ♪

[♪ "Santeria" continues playing]

Shh!