Original subtitles

[Grampa] They say women are like soda water.

They go better with a gallon of scotch.

And when the weather is hot, we drink a lot.

And sometimes it's so hot people open their windows to let the air in,

and their secrets out.

[whirring stops]

No! [grunts]

No. Don't go. Your tiny feet are so cool.

Wait. I know a place to go.

Where the people always say it's too cold.

[machine humming]

Get your own cooling duct!

Typical. My entire life you've never done one nice thing for me.

And I'm always kind and loving.

So redirect that AC or we're moving you to a worse home.

There is no worse home.

I mean the one they put veterans in.

You monster! Elder abuse!

What took you so long?

I'm not sure what you're talking about, Abe "Grampa" Simpson.

But we need your help with an investigation.

And I mean now.

They're digging up these poor people's graves?

Now, don't worry.

They're putting up a monument to the suffering of these unfortunate souls.

[truck beeping]

What are we doing here?

We're here because when they dug up one grave,

they saw something no one should see.

Come on, kids. Let me show ya. Get your phones.

Somebody snuck a second body in here.

And on that extra body, we found this.

[Lisa] "Simpson and O'Donnell Private Investigators.

Ask for Abe"?

Grampa, you were a private detective? It takes you an hour to find your socks.

All right, Wiggum. You showed me what you wanted to show me.

Now, in this country a man can say what he wants and do what he wants.

Except on college campuses

where you can say some things but not others and it's unclear which.

Hey, you can leave anytime,

after you explain how your business card got on that body.

Fine. I'll talk.

But only at the home with a nurse-call button nearby.

Those things aren't even hooked up.

Pushing the button is my exercise.

See?

Oh. I never saw that part before.

You think it's hot today?

It's nothin' compared to the summer of '82.

It was like living inside the sun with the heat on.

Billy and me had been partners for a couple years.

There was plenty of work.

Divorce cases, Roller Derby hit-and-runs.

But this particular day was mighty slow.

Ah, nice shot. You should be in the NBA.

You too, pal. [chuckles] You look great in short shorts.

You mean the shorts that everybody wears now in the '80s?

[Grampa] Then she came in.

I was looking for a detective.

But it seems I found a mutual admiration society.

Are you here to join?

First, I'd have to admire you.

I'm Agnes Skinner. And I want you to follow my boyfriend.

Oh. Who's your boyfriend?

A rich bald vulture by the name of Montgomery Burns.

I think he's cheating on me with someone younger and sexier.

- I don't buy your story. - Which part?

The part where there's someone younger and sexier than you.

Mmm. It just got really hot in here.

Towel me off?

[moans]

Are you my new mommy? 'Cause I am owed a lot of tuckin' in.

[sighs] Uh, Daddy's, uh, busy, son. W-Why don't you play with these handcuffs?

Oh, boy.

[scoffs] If you're babysitting, I guess I'll take my business elsewhere.

H-Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

What if I go with Agnes, you know, and kinda check things out?

Okay. But remember, you're representing the firm, so act professional.

[exhales sharply] Yes.

[scatting]

I don't get a new mommy?

I'll be your daddy and your mommy, Son.

Now, be quiet and leave me alone.

And that was that.

Now if you're finished, it's Tapioca Tuesday,

and I'm jonesing for something bland and lumpy.

- Tapioca. - Tapioca.

Slow down there, Humphrey Go-cart.

What did your partner say when he got back?

Nothing. Which isn't surprising because he never came back.

Never came back? What did you do?

Got new business cards.

"Abe Simpson and nobody. Private investigators."

I'm not surprised.

My dad never does anything for anybody.

Homer, let the policemen give your dad the third degree.

Wiggum, I'm done singing.

But here's an encore for you. Get lost!

Oh, yeah? How'd you like it if we put you in an interrogation room

with a bare light bulb, no bathroom, and a cold steel chair with an uneven leg?

I'd call that an upgrade.

- [electricity crackles] - [thuds]

Okay. Fine. We'll leave for now.

But I am officially declaring you a person of interest.

Wow, Grampa. You're finally interesting. Can we hang out?

Yeah, but I ain't talking.

Perfect.

I can't believe it.

Would Grampa really not look for his partner?

It's exactly what he would do.

He didn't look for his missing wife. He couldn't find our runaway dog.

He didn't realize I was lost at the zoo

until the chimpanzee in the car seat threw up.

He still sends that monkey birthday cards.

Maybe I could get some answers

from a forensic analysis of the old business card.

Lisa, I don't like it when you dust for residues.

Please, please, please. I promise I'll only look for splatter.

Okay. But put down a newspaper.

What the hell is a newspaper?

Bart, there's blood on this card.

Type AB negative.

Which is only one percent of the population.

Amazing. You can make even blood boring.

If Billy O'Donnell had the same blood type, it could be him in the coffin.

Coffin, eh? You're saying he's a vampire?

[imitating Bela Lugosi as Dracula] Yes, he's a vampire.

We must inwestigate his blood. Blah!

You're treating me like a child. And I love it.

Say "blah" two more times and I'm in.

Blah. Blah.

Okay. Blood type.

I know two people with all the information in town.

- But it'll cost you. - How much?

I'm afraid we're gonna have to spend some time with them.

Here's the medical techs at my barium swallow.

Here's me waking up

because the anesthesia wasn't strong enough.

And here's the kink in my esophagus.

And here's us transferring our slides to video.

Transferring.

Now here's us transferring our video to digital.

Transferring. Transferring.

Transferring.

[customer] Hey, can we get some service?

Snoop till your heart's content, kids.

But remember, that information belongs to the people of Springfield.

Show them the respect they deserve.

O'Bannon, O'Brady, O'Connell, O'Connor.

Lotta Irish in this town.

O'Day, O'Dell, O'Doh-de-o'doh.

[gasps] O'Donnell. Billy O'Donnell.

Blood type: AB negative.

It's a match. I'm taking this to Grampa.

[gasps] Did you know Lenny has only one butt cheek?

No wonder he keeps falling off his stool.

- [thuds] - Not my fault.

Chief, that's the old man's granddaughter.

And you didn't want to set up a stakeout.

No, I wanted to. You didn't.

Well, somebody did... Shut up.

It's the same blood type.

I bet you wanna get right back on that trail.

That trail is 40 years old.

Colder than the hands of the orderly who puts my gown on.

Hey, orderlies have feelings too. [sobs]

The DMV found Billy's abandoned car on old Apple Blossom Parkway.

Which is now the location of the Springfield Nuclear Plant.

Well?

You're messing with things you should let lie.

And you're lying about messes you should let thing.

Nobody talks to me like that.

I'm what that way talks how.

I always looked up to you, Grampa.

Well, I'm shrinking every day. So I'll be down to you mighty soon.

I can't believe you didn't even try!

But, but... [groans] Damn it, I did try.

Checked with his ex-wife, his bookie, his dance instructor.

Sorry, handsome. You are barking up the wrong tree, four, five, six.

Back step, kick step, shuffle ball change. [vocalizing]

[Grampa] There was only one person who could tell me what happened.

Agnes.

But it was like she disappeared off the face of the earth.

Burns was guarding her tighter than a human LoJack.

Finally I got a tip from her favorite leg warmer store.

I found her at the marina.

I'm trying to talk business.

And you bring me to the most romantic spot in town?

You are really making it hard for me to focus.

You're not very smart. I like that.

I mean, you're really, really stupid. I find that sexy.

I mean, you are really, unbelievably, droolingly--

Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. You made your point.

Now, damn it. What happened to my partner?

Don't get ahead of yourself. You haven't bought me a drink.

What'll you have?

Don't get ahead of yourself.

You haven't kissed me.

[Grampa groans]

[moans]

Now, uh, the next part is kinda racy

so you listen to some nondescript '80s rock, while I tell it to myself.

♪ And I ran, I ran so far away ♪

[Grampa] She was relentless.

I heard something I'd never heard before,

"Not bad".

I fell for her like Mario over a thousand Donkey Kong barrels.

And then she told me what happened the last night she saw Billy.

They were following Burns to see what he was up to.

Okay, listen. You stay in the car until I get back.

[Young Agnes] I waited. And waited.

[snores]

Ma'am, are you okay?

'Cause I've been staring at you since 2:00 in the morning.

I never saw Billy again.

Abe, what if Burns knows I was there?

I guess I'll have to ask him.

Luckily, I'm wearing my gun.

So what happened when you saw Burns?

I can't tell you.

Why can't you tell me?

Because it's something that would destroy your father.

[violin plays]

That's the only chord I know.

Two visitors in one day.

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.

[scoffs] Is that the state we're in? Denmark? Ha!

Bart, Grampa knows a secret that could destroy Dad.

Oh, my God. We certainly don't want that falling into the wrong hands. [chuckles]

Boy, you're here because I need you to sneak me out without the cops seeing.

Fine. I'll figure out a plan but there's a price.

A new bike.

No, two new bikes.

How many bikes does one kid need?

My goal is to be the Jay Leno of bikes.

- There they go. - [engine starts, stalls]

Oh, damn it. We got three or four flat tires. Maybe five. I-I can't tell.

Well then, we should pursue on foot.

I-I got a doctor's note that says I-I shouldn't run.

Well, look who came to visit me after all these years.

Magnum Pee-yew.

Agnes, you look terrific 'cause I can't see well anymore.

Who is this man, Mother?

I don't remember him from our scrapbooking.

Seymour, shut the door and play with your little buddy while the grown-ups talk.

You wanna play Chex box?

You mean Xbox?

No, Chex box.

There are two extremely challenging mazes on the back.

Would you like to get the spoon back to the dishwasher

or help the milk find the refrigerator?

Oh, I'd like the principal to find his manhood, if you don't mind.

I am muy macho, amigo.

Now, choose your Hello Kitty pencil and get tracing.

Agnes, 40 years ago I let my partner down.

Now I gotta fix that.

Well, can it wait for a sour ball?

Bitter on the outside and not very satisfying,

just like me.

Mmm. [chuckles]

Now think, is there anything you wanna share about that night we lost Billy?

I have trouble remembering my meds, my birthday,

even who you are, frankly.

But I'll never forget that night.

The road was covered in this.

Baby, you just broke the case.

Before you go,

how's about we see what else we can break?

Lamps or hips, they're all replaceable. [laughs]

[Agnes moaning]

Yowza!

[Agnes] Okay, easy now.

[Grampa] Whoa! I got... Oh. No. Not that elbow.

- [Agnes] That knee doesn't work. - [Grampa] No, no, my bursitis.

- [Agnes groans] Ow. [groaning] - [Grampa groaning]

[Grampa] So sweet Wendell Willkie.

What's this?

How did you get through the unguarded grounds and sliding door?

Burns, I'm here to finish a conversation we started 40 years ago.

Burns, I think you might have crossed paths with my partner the other night.

Oh, yes, Billy.

He, uh, said he was leaving on a trip.

A one-way ticket.

You could say he's gone to paradise.

[chuckling]

That answer's not good enough!

Daddy, I got scared alone in the car.

I thought I gave you a coloring book.

I ate the crayons. [groaning]

Well, you and Little Boy Blue Green and Red can exit together!

Release the hounds!

- [door motor whirring] - [puppies barking]

Bad puppy. No love. No love! Bad puppy!

Burns, I say, you know something about Billy!

And I'll never rest until I find out what.

Let's make a deal.

You forget about your ex-partner,

and I'll give your son a job when he grows up.

He don't need your help.

[Little Homer] Daddy. Daddy!

I will give that poor, pathetic knuckle-brain a job and never fire him,

no matter how often and how badly he messes up.

[Little Homer] Help! Help!

[groans]

And that's why your son wasn't fired

for screwing up 742 times.

Tarnation, is he bad!

Wait just a minute!

All those times I screwed up and should've been fired but wasn't,

that was thanks to you?

Mm-hmm.

No matter how big of an idiot I am,

I can never lose my job!

I'm like a Supreme Court Justice.

[sniffles] Thank you, Dad.

Oh, I just did what any father would.

I gave you the best life I could.

[sentimental music playing]

[sentimental music ends]

Dad, are we having a moment?

- I don't think so. - [both] Oh.

Okay. Maybe.

Well, another heartwarming moment at the Burns mansion.

Now, off you go.

The poison gas will attack your spinal cord within two minutes.

- [machine hissing] - Not so fast!

- [switch clicks] - [machine whirring]

Burns, for the sake of my son,

I really wanted to believe you when you said Billy was okay.

But now I know the truth.

Billy found out when you built the plant,

instead of using good solid rebar, you were using this!

Shredded phone books!

Billy found out.

So you killed him!

Me? Kill someone?

Oh, sure, blame the ruthless villain.

Start talking or I'll cut you in two!

You bumped him off.

No, I paid him off. [exhales sharply]

He used the money to move to a tropical island.

A paradise, just like I told you.

I'll call him right now!

[phone rings]

[phone rings, beeps]

Abe, is that you?

Wow, look at you. [chuckles]

You aged terribly.

You're alive?

Well, if you call drinking rum out of a coconut,

surfing, and hanging out with beautiful women "living,"

then yeah, I guess I've been living. [chuckles]

Hey, Billy, want another Abe is an Idiot?

Oh. [chuckles] That's a... That has nothing to do with you.

That's just a, uh, cocktail that I invented.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Why didn't you tell me you were alive?

Because I didn't want my ex-wife to know, and you can't keep a secret.

Remember when you told everyone my shoes have lifts?

I thought it made you interesting.

It made me seem short.

Tom Cruise short.

I told Agnes to wait one week, and then tell you everything.

Agnes knew?

That's right, Abe.

I was lying to you all along.

Because you were dumb.

So, so dumb.

So dumb.

- All right, all right. I get it. - [phone beeps]

I wanted you to think Burns killed your partner.

So you would kill Burns.

Why would anyone want to kill me?

Because when I got to know you,

I realized your heart was as ugly and withered as your ass.

Ouch.

Also, I snuck my name into your will so I'd get rich when you died.

- [hammer cocks] - No one's killin' no one!

How dare you blow the head off the bear I killed?

Eh, we'll all die soon enough.

And Abe, remember this,

you were too good a lover to be more than just a friend.

What does that mean?

I'm trying to leave you with something.

I'll take it!

[Agnes moans]

Dad, something else came out of this.

Something wonderful.

I learned what you did for me.

And I get to tell you thank you before you're gone.

All for you, Dad.

I'm done.

[groans]

Something's been eating at me, and I gotta find out the answer.

If Billy O'Donnell's alive, then who was the second body in the coffin?

We tried DNA testing.

[chuckles] I don't know why we didn't do that in the first place.

The second corpse

was actually Springfield's beloved business card printer, Harold Baumgartner.

He loved his wife so much he asked to be buried with her, literally.

Which also explains all the other business cards we found in the coffin.

This guy made excellent business cards. Forty years later clear as a bell.

So the blood type was just a coincidence.

[gasps] Or maybe it was God's way of finding closure

for a bunch of lost souls.

But that was some nice work you did there, kid.

Hey, how would you like to join the force?

[stammers] I think she's too young, Chief.

Lou, you can't know that until you give her a gun.

Am I right, Ralphie?

Do I shoot toward the talking?

I think I'm just gonna run home now.

♪ And I ran, I ran so far away ♪

♪ I just ran ♪

♪ I ran all night and day ♪

♪ And I ran, I ran so far away ♪

♪ I just ran ♪

♪ I couldn't get away ♪