Original subtitles

I'd be a happy man today if I had a head of hair.

She's arriving now.

So far, so good.

Thank you.

Good morning, Miss Rita. Good morning. Welcome to the Grand Hotel Badala. Thank you.

This way, please.

Thank you.

Okay, go on. Do your stuff. Go on.

Thank you so much. Bye-bye. All right, Mr. Gill,

I'd say discretion is the key word here.

Oh, Harry, how right you are. Discretion, of course.

Yes, my hotel detectives must be efficient, but not seen or heard, right? Right.

99% of your guests are going to be on vacation here. Absolutely.

It's wonderful, Harry, to have someone of your

vast experience to help set it all up. Thank you very much.

Lady, lady, what's wrong?

What's wrong? Wrong?

Somebody snatched my muffin, this was real.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Jill. Gal, madam. The name's Gal, not Jill.

Oh, thank you anyway. Thank you.

Okay, now you say your dog's name is Muffin.

Can you just try and tell me exactly what happened?

What are you trying to do to me, LaRoche?

That's the message, darling. Joe Flynn won't be here for 48 hours.

48 hours? You mean we're stuck with that for two days?

Oh, don't be beastly. It's only a little puppy.

All right, the plan needed a dog, and we got it.

Now, what's happened to Flynn?

Unavoidably delayed.

Well, you know I'm sick, and Flynn knows I'm sick, and I'm...

I'm a very tense person.

Oh, do relax, darling.

How can I relax? I have a nervous wreck.

I've got a rotten stomach and rheumatism in my knees, and I... That feels good.

I put her in the counter next to me.

And when I was done registraring, I turned around, and she was gone.

The basket was gone, the bow was gone, and the dog was gone.

What kind of a dog is it?

She's just a little poodle.

Just a little tiny one.

Tiny. Now, how tiny is this tiny?

Huh?

She only weighs two pounds.

Color?

Just white.

Looks like a little snowball.

Sex?

No.

She's just a puppy.

Eric, come here.

I want to ask you something, and I'm very serious.

Does my baldness bother you? I mean, am I still attractive in spite of it?

Darling, it's super much better than all that long-haired stuff.

I'd be a happy man today if I had a head of hair.

That's all I ever wanted out of life, a full head of hair.

I probably never would have turned to crime.

Harry, Harry, that lady, Miss Rita, was asking for

you. I figures. Where is she? Out by the pool.

Harry, this is a new hotel,

and I'm trying desperately hard to build up a reputation.

Please, try to do what you can.

Please.

Miss Reeder? Hi.

Hi.

Hey, have you found Muffin yet?

Well, we're still looking for him. It may take some time.

Look, now, that's all right. You just take as much time as you think you need.

You don't seem quite as worried as you were before.

Oh, Lenny worried.

But see, I've been thinking about it,

and I figure that Muffin's so adorable that if anybody did take her, they sure,

sure couldn't hurt her. Oh.

And anyway, maybe they just borrowed her. She's so cute,

she wouldn't mind them probably borrowing myself.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

You really think so?

Yeah.

Because, you know, I still want her back.

Okay.

Wrong again, huh, you miserable?

I'm sure nobody saw you bring all this junk up here.

Yes, darling, I'm sure.

How many brands of this stuff are there?

I mean, this dog has got to be in shape when we give her back.

Eat, eat.

She's not eating, LaRoche. Now, why isn't she eating? This is your department.

Details I leave to you. I always have.

We've got a problem. I mean, a major problem.

Well, just don't sit there, babe. Do something!

She's sick. Do you think she's sick? You don't think she's sick, do you? Well,

I think she's sick, and if she's sick, I'm sick.

No, darling, she's not sick.

And then why doesn't she eat?

She's pampered, probably on a special diet.

Diet? Like what? What? What?

What?

Oh, I don't know. Could be anything. Steak tartar? Caviar?

Caviar, of course, yes. I knew a lapdog once just like her.

The only thing she would eat would be thighs.

Chicken thighs.

All right.

What do you eat?

There they are.

Don't look, don't look, don't look.

Now, get rid of the guy with her.

For you anything, darling, but how?

How should I know? Just do it, do it, do it.

Here, here's a fire. Think of something.

Go on, go, go, go.

All right, excuse me.

Telephone call.

Mark Tender. Yes, sir? You, uh, see the lady in the black dress? Black dress?

Over there. Oh, yes, sir. Don't look, don't look, don't look.

Okay, look. Oh, yes, sir. I'll have two of whatever she's drinking. Right, sir.

Thank you.

Hello, my name's Costa, Felix Costa.

Hi. Do you mind if I sit on it?

No, but we're out of here.

Hey, you know, that's a rusty nail. Aw,

you sure do know how to make a girl feel at home.

To your good health, Mr. Felix.

What is that? It's a nail, honey. It's a rusty nail. A rusty nail?

Half bourbon and half brandy.

I, I, uh...

Here, you lost your little dog.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I just know we'll find her.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

I bet feeding a little dog like that could be a major problem.

Well, now, you just let me tell you.

Feeding Muffin really is a big problem.

Do you know there's only one thing in the whole world that little critter will eat?

What is that one thing?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, no, no. Force yourself. It'll make you feel much better.

No, she doesn't know, baby. Just thinking about

it makes me want to cry. Tell me something.

Does she like roast beef?

No, she doesn't. Hamburger. Hamburger.

Pork hearts.

Pork fritters. Oh, what about chicken? I do a very

nice cacciatore. No, no, that's too spicy.

Oh, please, no, no, don't, don't, don't worry about it. Please. What?

What? Why am I wearing a tuxedo?

What are you, a crazy lady? You're wearing a tuxedo.

I've been ruining my personal plumes.

John P. Hackett, Jr., Culver City, California.

This guy annoying you won't keep out of this.

What are you doing in this place? Are you looking for trouble?

I don't like your attitude. I'll get you right in your head.

What is she? The dog! The dog!

Liver cooked in milk.

I don't believe that face.

42. It's all over for me, isn't it?

It's all downhill. The baggy-craggy.

The craggy-baggy.

That's not bad, is it? That's not bad now?

Oh, terrific.

That's terrific. I look 20 years younger. Kid again. I am a kid again.

I feel rejuvenated, alive, vital.

Felix!

Good morning, darling. How did you sleep?

Who is it?

Joe Flynn's arrived. He'll meet you at noon.

Where?

Come on, time to get up.

Oh, you're not going to wear that again. No, I'm not.

Now leave me alone, will you? Where do I meet Flynn?

At the castellated house.

That's it, come on, come on out. Now don't

forget your hat. There, go on. Off you go.

It's all right, darling, go on.

Oh, Flynn, don't do that. My angina.

You have the dog? Of course I have. What do you think I am, some kind of amateur?

You will attach the microfilm to the collar and return the dog to its owner.

Guaranteed. Personally.

I'll probably get some kind of reward. Imbecile.

Well, what did I say? You will leave the dog somewhere where it will be found.

No one will suspect any connection between you and its disappearance.

Well, of course, of course. That's what I meant.

When does the dog's owner fly to New York?

On Friday. Friday. I checked it all out.

Right.

Here is the microfilm.

Have no fear.

Felix is here. That's a little joke.

I just...

I'll guard it with my life. If you don't, you may well pay with your life.

Hi.

Hi. Listen, I think I got some good news for you.

Yeah, it could be.

Oh, you mean about Martha?

Oh, Harry, Harry, I was so excited.

If you'd gotten a bigger dog, we'd have a bigger collar, and I'd be a lot happier.

Oh, thanks. I'll take it. Lovely.

Mmm.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Liver cooked in milk.

Come on, little fella.

Come on, baby. That's it.

Lovely dins.

Come on.

He swallowed it.

He swallowed it. Mary, he swallowed it.

And I think what happened was somebody there actually

picked it up and ran off and ran out the front doors.

Long and cool, spiced with a little vodka.

Thank you, honey.

Interesting conversation?

The guy who just left.

Huh?

Oh, you know, everyone's been so nice.

They really are concerned about Little Muffin.

That nice gentleman there was just inquiring

as to whether I got her back yet or not.

He was.

Yeah.

You know him?

Mm-hmm.

But who is he?

Trouble.

Hold her still, LaRoche. That's an order.

Will you please stop her looking at me? Cover her eyes.

You can't go through with this. Can't I?

You're right, I can't.

Let's get out of here.

Start packing.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Okay. Never mind. Forget the elevators. Let's use the back stairs.

Come on. Come on, honey. Come on. Move, move.

Please move.

Come on, come on, come on, Mary. Please, let's

get out of here. Please, please, Mary, come on.

Look!

Look!

Thank you so much. It's been so nice having you. Bye-bye, madam.

What happened?

It all went nasty.

Where is the microfilm?

Where?

He swallowed it. Costa. No, the dog.

Hi.

Hi.

My name is Costa, Felix Costa. Do you mind if I stand up? No.

That man who shot at me, he's very dangerous.

You're not. Me?

Well, no, I don't know him.

Why should I know him? Of course not. Certainly not. Certainly I don't know him.

You think I know him?

That's ridiculous. I'm a guest here, a registered

guest. Why, check it, check it, check it.

What are you doing?

Listen now. I'll tell everything. I can stand anything but pain. Don't.

All right, just calm down and tell me all you know about this.

Here, dog.

Here.

Here, dog. Come here.

Come here, dog. Come here. Now, where are you?

Come here, you stupid animal.

Now you'll be a good dog.

Listen, everyone. Listen, please.

Now, I'm going to offer a reward to anyone who finds my little muffin.

I'm just going to give them a great big hug. And $10,000.

Start looking, babe.

Start looking.

Oh, no! Not you again! You want to play, huh?

No, leave me alone!

What's going on?

Well, they seem to be having such a good time, I didn't want to tell them.

Tell them what?

I found her.

Microfilm contained the details for the latest atomic power plant.

Joe Flynn's an industrial spy. I didn't know that.

All dog nappers say that.

They're going to transport the film to the States using the dog as a canine courier.

Hidden in the collar, but that was my idea.

Pretty dumb.

In my baby's collar, that's a terrible thing.

Yeah, Joe Flynn's associate was going to meet the dog,

but the plan got fouled up when Muffin here swallowed the film.

What do you think, Doctor?

Well, I can positively say that our little friend

no longer has the fallen body in his stomach.

I don't understand.

There's a story that an old Arkansas farmer told

me once about a cow who swallowed a fly.

And the fly fell asleep in the cow's stomach,

and when the fly woke up, the cow was gone.

You mean... I mean...

A microfilm could be practically anywhere on the island.

I think about it, and yeah, it makes sense.