Original subtitles

Hello.

Hello and welcome to MSNBC.

I'm Rachel Maddow.

And, dads, you better hide your older bookish

lesbian daughters, because, uh, yeah, I'm back on TV.

Tonight, for our special Inauguration Weekend coverage, I'm joined by our panel

of MSNBC hosts, basically like the Avengers for your aunt.

It's Ari Melber.

Thanks, Rachel.

Joy Reid.

Glad to be here.

Stephanie Ruhle.

Hey, girlfriend.

And finally, Chris Hayes, a.k.a.

Woke Sheldon.

Okay.

Drag me, mama.

Well, tonight, we have a lot of news to cover.

The LEA wildfires are affecting thousands.

The TikTok ban goes into effect tomorrow.

And the Inauguration is only two days away.

What's your take, Ari?

Well, in the words of the great poet DMX, y'all gonna make me lose my mind.

Up and here.

Up and here.

What about you, Stephanie?

I mean, Trump is already talking about invading Canada and Greenland.

Is he serious, or is that one of his distractions?

I mean, what do you think, Joy?

I don't know.

I can't tell if you're doing the news or trying to hook up.

What do you think, Rachel?

Oh, I'm not Rachel.

I'm Chris Hayes.

Huh.

One thing I do know is, this time around, we're not gonna

get sucked in by every new shiny, crazy statement from Trump.

We need to focus on what he does, not what he says.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I have to interrupt you.

We have some breaking news.

Trump has apparently just told reporters that he

would like to, quote, trade Connecticut for Italy.

I mean, that's just crazy.

Rachel, Rachel, see, this is what I mean.

We can't have a repeat of 2016.

Exactly.

Uh, in his first term, the media was like, look at him.

Walking around, grabbing his you-know-what.

Flipping the you-know-who.

Tick-a-ticka, Slim Shady.

But this time, we're gonna focus on what matters,

like tech billionaires buying our democracy.

Sorry, Ari, we're getting breaking news that Trump just told a group of wildfire

victims that, quote, Arnold Palmer had some of the longest balls in American history.

You see, this is what he does.

To keep us from talking about disaster relief or the impacts of climate change...

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Rachel.

I am Chris.

But... But apparently Trump just tweeted about the fires.

A picture of himself as the guy from Up with the caption,

I would end fire by filling the up house with water balloons.

Wow.

Joy, this man, this man, this man was designed by the devil to break my spirit.

You can just call me Ann Reed, because the joy is gone.

You know, I gotta say, you forget about the pace of the news under Trump.

It's so hard to get your bearings, right, Rach?

Please don't put your glasses in my mouth.

Thankfully, here to get us back... Here to get us back on track is MSNBC...

ooops! :-P

MSNBC everything correspondent, Claire McCaskill.

Hi, Rachel.

Claire, throw us a lifeline.

Can you please say something of substance about this week?

Of course.

And hold that thought, Rachel, because somehow I'm getting breaking news

that Trump just said he is sending Don Jr. to explore

the possibility of purchasing the Emerald City.

Oh, seems like he finally saw Wicked.

Oh, he did.

Okay.

And he loved Wicked.

...and just now realizing that he thinks the Emerald City is Greenland.

Speaking of, uh, Wicked, I believe it was

Will Smith who said, Wiki Wiki Wild Wild West.

Jim West, Desperado.

Something to think about.

Okay, we just got word that President Trump has tweeted that

he has agreed to meet with Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Oh, that's not that bad.

In the octagon at UFC fight.

You know what?

I'm just gonna take the reins and talk about a real story, okay?

Trump's tariffs for Canada?

Look, Quebec supplies two-thirds of our raw aluminum.

And when you consider the importments and the importance of hydroelectric power...

Oh, my God.

I-I can't even finish.

That is so boring.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, and, uh, America has just declared war on sharks.

That's good.

That's good.

Much better.

Also, Trump apparently just gave a statement about the TikTok ban.

I can pretend I'm not curious, but, uh, let's just watch the whole thing.

Yes, we love TikTok, don't we?

We love TikTok.

We used to hate it, but then it, quite frankly,

in many ways, got me elected, so now we love it.

We also love the Rizzler, don't we, folks?

And they're trying to take the Rizzler away from us.

It's so sad.

They want him the hell out of here.

We do love Costco, guys.

Boom!

And we're doing Get Ready With Me.

That's gonna be fun.

And we're doing the Challengers.

Remember Ice Bucket?

We loved Ice Bucket.

Anyway.

We may have to go over to Reels with Mark Zuckerberg.

I like him now.

Zuck.

He looks better.

Much cooler in terms of perm and with regard to chain.

And he will, of course, be at my inauguration, which will be indoors.

Too many people to fit outside.

You know, we're excited.

We're very excited to be inaugurated on Martin Luther King Day.

I like sharing the day.

And we're excited about my latest cabinet pick.

It's someone I know you'll be very excited to see.

George Santos.

Hello, everyone.

Yes, it's me, George Santos, a.k.a.

Quittara Ravache, a.k.a.

Club Chalamet.

I'm so honored to be joining Trump's cabinet as

secretary of fact-checking and ambassador to Sephora.

I am part of the politician to cameo, back to

politician, and eventually to jail pipeline.

But while I'm excited for Monday, this has been a very hard month for me.

I am so sad about the passing of Jimmy Carter.

He had a great influence on me, since he was...my dad.

Now, excuse me, I'm late for a date with my boyfriend, Luigi Mangione!

Well, we are almost out of time, so let's just try

to end this before another tweet comes through.

Oh, too late.

Uh, it appears that Trump is watching and live-tweeting this program right now.

He just said, I'm stuck watching MS, DNC, awful anchors.

This line-up looks like Scooby-Doo: Oops, all Velma.

All right, he still got it.

He still got it.

and live from New York...

It's Saturday Night!

by CharadaBR

It's Saturday Night Live!

with...

Featuring...

Musical guest...

GloRilla!

and your host...

Dave Chappelle!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Dave Chappelle!

Thank you...

Thank you very much.

Turn this up, I can't hear.

Thank you guys.

Uh... Boy... I gotta tell you guys something.

I'm being very honest.

I am in quite the pickle tonight.

And it started...

It started in October.

Lorne Michaels called me.

And he asked me to do... Saturday Night Live.

The first episode after the election.

And I was like, nah, man, I'm cool.

He's like, why not?

And I was like, man, things are going good.

I'm gonna finish my Netflix deal.

I got all this money and stuff.

And he's like, oh, man, no, come on, please.

And I said, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

Just to get off the phone, I go, you know what I'll do?

I said, just save the date closest to January 6th.

And then...

The date started rolling around, and in December, he started calling me again.

And again, I was like, nah, man, let's do it.

And this goes on for, like, weeks and weeks.

And then finally, you know, and I go, you know what?

I could just get rid of all these old Trump jokes.

And start fresh.

I said, you know what?

I'll do it.

The moment I said yes, L.A.

burst into flames.

And it's a tough one.

You know what I mean?

Because I'm tired of being controversial.

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.

And it is way too soon to do jokes about a catastrophe like that.

It is.

You know, what's crazy about it is this one is close to home.

Now, I don't live in L.A.

I've never been, like, a big fan of L.A., but I've built many, many memories there.

And I have great friends there.

And a lot of them lost their homes.

Cary Elwes, who I starred in, Robin Hood Men in Tights with.

His house burned to the ground.

Madlib, who was on Saturday Night Live with me last time I was here.

His house burned to the ground.

So many people, I could go on and on.

My first movie I did with Dennis Quaid, I saw him

evacuate his house on the news with tears in his eyes.

And it broke my heart.

And then I go on the Internet, and I watch these fire videos,

and I read the comment sections, and everyone's

like, yeah, it serves these celebrities right.

I hope their house is burned down.

And you see that?

That right there, that's why I hate poor people.

Because they can't see past their own pain.

The other day on the news...

The other day on the news, they said these fires were the most

expensive tragedy that ever happened, natural disaster.

They said it's the most expensive natural disaster

that's ever happened in the United States' history.

And you want to know why I think that is?

Because people in L.A.

have nice stuff.

I could burn 40,000 acres in Mississippi for like $600 to $700.

And now...

And now when you watch the news or talk to my friends,

they all have these conspiracy theories, what started these fires.

Now, they say it's arsonists.

I've heard this theory, and I'm sure there were some arsonists, but there were a lot

of elements that came together to make this fire the catastrophe that was.

The winds were 100 miles an hour.

L.A.

was dry as a bone in the levees, and there was just too many factors.

If you were a rational-thinking person, you have to at

least consider the possibility that God hates these people.

Sodomites.

And that's not true, because West Hollywood was unscathed.

Because how can you burn what is already flaming?

A lot of poor people were affected, too.

A lot of just regular working-class families were affected, too.

And a lot of those families found out that the week of the fires, that they lost

their health... Not their health.

Their fire insurance.

But either way, Luigi is like, you're welcome.

You know, Luigi killed him.

And that kid did almost plan, like, the perfect crime.

He did everything right.

He planned everything perfectly.

Only thing he forgot was to shave his eyebrows.

As soon as I saw him on the news, I was like, Yeah, that's him.

Finally, they get in front of it.

This week, thank God, these fires subsided.

And not without help.

A lot of countries pitched in.

Canada sent planes that helped us out.

Mexico sent firefighters.

And Trump was like, Make sure they leave when they finish.

Trump's a wild guy.

He's a wild guy.

I'll tell you something he did that made me crazy when he was running for president.

When he was running for president, he said this at a debate.

He said, The Haitians in Springfield, Ohio,

were eating people's dogs and cats.

That really upset me, because I live in Ohio.

In fact, I live... You know, what's up, Ohio?

I live one town over from Springfield.

Now, those of you who are from Ohio, I hope you know,

that's not what's happening in Springfield at all.

What happened in Springfield is a lot of jobs went away.

20,000 Haitian immigrants were moved there by our government legally, and they paid

market value for their rents, and they saved a lot of

companies because they did jobs that the whites weren't doing.

It's not that the whites couldn't do these jobs,

but they were busy, you know, doing other things.

Heroin, sleeping on the streets.

You know what it is.

And those communities are immigrant communities who tend to be very successful.

They don't come to America to not be rich.

And when he said that, that community caught hell.

There was like a jealousy that ran through the

community, and there was nothing I could do about it.

But because I was famous, I said, well, let me just be supportive.

So every day, for like 10 days, I would drive a few miles over to

Springfield and eat lunch at the Haitian restaurant and let

them know, if I'm safe here, you guys are definitely safe here.

And to be honest with you,

I don't know what that meat was.

But whatever it was, it fell right off the bone, I'll tell you that.

Now, I'm even getting nervous in Ohio.

Like, I might leave with Asians.

Now, I'm serious, man.

You know what it is, man?

It's just no fun being famous anymore.

It's like, y'all made it scary.

You know what feels like being famous?

And scary is the right word.

It feels like, and I'm not being dramatic.

It feels like I'm storming the beach of Normandy.

World War II.

But I gotta keep a happy expression on my face all the time.

So imagine, all the dangers of storming the beach, but I still look like this.

The bullets are whizzing by, and stuff is exploding, and I'm just like...

And then every once in a while, something terrible happened.

Bah!

And I'm like, oh, no!

Puffy got hit!

and Puffy be like, oh,

keep going, playboy.

I kicked the bitch in the face and forgot about it.

I've been in trouble in my day.

Well, I've been in a lot of trouble in my day, but man, let me tell you something.

This guy, Puffy... Puffy, this guy is in... an enormous amount of trouble.

I've never...

I don't think I've ever seen anything like this.

They got this guy in a Rico case... by himself!

A lot of my friends asked me.

They said, Dave, did you know anything about those freak-off parties?

And I'd be like, nah, man.

I don't know anything about freak offs

And they all look at me like...

And they'd be like, well, how all these people you know is at the freak-off,

but you're the only one that wasn't at the freak-off.

And I thought about it for a minute.

I said, oh, my gosh.

I'm ugly.

That's a tough way to find that out.

Can you imagine you and me reading a newspaper and found out

everyone in Hollywood had an orgy behind your back?

and no one called me?

Well, that really hurts.

I'm glad they didn't call me, though, because

the stories that come out about it are crazy.

I saw one thing on the internet, so I'm not sure this is true.

Probably doubt it's true.

But I saw it.

Some guy who said he knew Puff was like, yeah, man.

He's like, I was at the freak-off one time, and I went in the back room,

and Puff was in there with Carl Winslow, the dad from Family Matters.

He was smashing, and I was like, Puff, what are you doing?

And he was like, yeah, it feels good to make another man do your bidding.

And I was like, oh, my God.

Carl Winslow from Family Matters was there, and I wasn't invited?

It's worse than I thought.

Or maybe I'm not ugly.

I mean, no,

Look, look at my face.

This is not necessarily a handsome face, but it's not an ugly face.

But if you really study my face clearly, clearly.

I have snitch energy.

Oh, I look like I'll tell.

The last thing you want to see the orgy is me across the room looking at you like,

leave Carl Winslow alone.

Amen.

Amen.

Are you watching at home?

You might not be famous, but I bet you ain't perfect.

Nobody is perfect.

The idea is, as you live your life, you're

supposed to evolve and grow past your mistakes.

But if you get to be 55...

And Puffy is 55.

He doesn't look old, but...

This nigger is paying half price at the movies.

One singer, Playboy.

Ain't nothing wrong in getting older, but if you 55 and you got...

a thousand bottles of baby oil in the house... clearly.

Can't stop, won't stop.

You're committed to the lifestyle.

Because I'm 51,

and I'm telling you, this is true.

I can't remember a single time I ever threw an empty bottle of baby oil in the trash.

I don't think I've ever finished a bottle of baby oil in my life.

And we went to my mother's house tonight,

she probably got the same baby oil we had

when I was a little boy with the paint top, and

somehow Puffy was all the way down to the last.

Pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff.

And having baby oil is not illegal.

They don't remind you about that part.

That's the least harmful thing I've read in that doc.

He just used the wrong lube, I think.

If he used Crisco, he would've got away with it.

They would've just been like, oh, he likes to cook.

Thanks.

Thank God they caught him before those fires, because

there's been a goddamn mushroom cloud over his house.

A thousand bottles of baby oil in there.

Here's the thing.

On Monday, Donald Trump's coming back.

He'll be the 47th president.

He's done it again.

And all the flags will be at half-staffed, many of them because Jimmy Carter died.

Now, I gotta tell you, Jimmy Carter, people go back and

forth and say he was a bad president or a good president.

I'm not qualified to even speak on that.

But I'll tell you this.

I was in the Middle East years ago after I quit my show.

I was trying to find out what I wanted to do with my life.

And while I was there, Jimmy Carter flew to Israel.

So everybody in the region was talking about

a former American president

being in the Middle East.

And while he was in Israel, a book of his was released,

and his title was very controversial in Israel.

And the title of the book was Palestine, Peace, Not Apartheid.

And people were very mad in Israel.

There was a lot of mean stories that came out

in the paper, but some people were supportive.

And while he was there, Jimmy Carter said, I want to go to the Palestinian territory.

And the Israeli government said, it's too dangerous.

And if you go, we cannot protect you.

And man, Jimmy Carter went anyway.

I will never forget the images of a former American president

walking with little to no security while

thousands of Palestinians were cheering him on.

And when I saw that picture, it brought tears to my eyes.

I said, I don't know if that's a good president,

but that right there, I am sure, is a great man.

It made me feel very proud.

The presidency is no place for petty people.

So Donald Trump, I know you watch the show.

Man, remember, whether people voted for you or not,

they're all counting on you.

Whether they like you or not, they're all counting on you.

The whole world is counting on you.

I mean this when I say this.

Good luck.

Please.

Do better next time.

Please, all of us.

Do better next time.

Do not forget your humanity.

and please have empathy for displaced people,

whether they're in the Palisades or Palestine.

Thank you very much.

And good night.

It's the Immigrant Dad Talk Show,

with your host,

Joaquin Antonio Gonzalez Hernandez Suarez.

Hello, and welcome to Immigrant Dad Talk Show.

This is the show where we're talking about our

children, the ones we love, and the sons as well.

Today I am joined by my special guest, my black neighbor, Richard.

You don't have to say black, man.

Oh, I'm sorry.

My Afro-American neighbor, Richard.

Just say black.

Okay.

Hey, black Richard.

How many sons do you have?

Well, I got three that grew up in my house,

and one who's, I don't know, only by voice.

Okay.

That gave me more questions than answers.

But let's start with our first segment.

Things our sons like that they shouldn't like.

My son loves TikTok.

I tell him, let me TikTok to you about something.

Good job, man.

You are broke and you are ugly.

You cannot be both.

Richard, what's your son like that he shouldn't like?

White people.

He just loves them.

I tell him, he needs some black friends.

He says, nah, Dad, I want some dry chicken and some improv.

Oh, my God.

My son loves to go to Brooklyn and do improv with the white people.

Which reminds me, my son the other day, he say to me, he say, I want to be vegan.

I say, vegan talk about this after you eat the chicken.

My son said he diagnosed himself with OCD.

I said, OCD is nuts.

To

bring out my next guest.

He's a father who's living in the neighborhood.

Please welcome back to the show, Kevin.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Kevin, hola.

Let's do it.

Hola, senor.

And greetings, black king.

White guy always know what not to say.

Kevin, tell us, what do you do for work?

Uh, well, I am a guidance counselor at a

school for children with learning disabilities.

Oh, that's funny because my son have a disability.

Uh, disability to pissing me off.

Now it's time for our next segment.

What would you do?

I tell you something, and you tell me, what would you do?

First, your son get mad and slam the door.

What would you do, Kevin?

Ooh, uh, well, I like to approach any issue with what I call the three C's.

Communication, compassion, and care.

Oh, he forgot the fourth C.

Uh, poosie.

He said you a vagina.

Oh, okay.

Hey, Richard, same question for you.

What would you do if your son slamming the door?

Well, I would be amazed.

Because my son don't have a door.

I took it off the hinges because he got addicted to pornography.

If I put a black light on his room, it would

look like a crime scene from a CSI episode.

CSI.

I like law and order.

You know law and order?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Choo-choo!

Hey, man.

You know what I do if my son slamming the door?

What is that?

I shoot him with a gun.

We need to show respect because my balls used to be his house.

Well, I'll have you know my son does respect me because I respect him.

Isn't that right, Connor?

Come on out here, buddy.

Come on.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm so lucky to be your son.

Hey.

You're not just my son.

You're my best friend.

Now, let's do our secret handshake.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Oh!

Oh!

You're kissing your son like Tom Brady!

Oh.

Oh.

Kevin.

Kevin.

Please, tell us.

What does your wife think about you having sex with your son?

I don't have sex with my son!

And my wife loves that we have a close relationship.

She's actually here as well.

Sweetheart, come on out.

Hi, sweetie.

Hold up.

You got this ass backwards, man.

How you gonna kiss your son and just dap up your wife?

You know what?

We don't have to take this hunt.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah.

Come on, son.

Whoop!

Yeah!

Speaking of which, one of my sons is here also.

Come on out, son.

Hey, uh, good to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Take care.

Yeah.

That was very nice.

Uh, okay.

Well, that's all the time we are having today for Immigrant Dad Talk show.

Tune in next week when my son asks me to make an impossible burger.

And I say, but how?

And Los Angeles is on high alert as the wildfires continue to threaten.

Okay, that's it.

The city is saying we need to evacuate.

Oh, my God.

Now?

Yes, Kevin.

But, you know, we knew this day might come.

Our stuff is packed and in the garage.

Reggie, you ready?

No.

No.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

It's gonna be fine, baby.

It's gonna be fine.

Well, get through this.

I put all our family photos in the go bag.

I just gotta get some first.

I just gotta get this cash.

Where did you get that money?

Don't worry about where I got my money.

Ain't no time to explain.

This is the store.

Come on, boys.

Come on, we'll help me get this money.

Okay.

Oh, jeez, Dad.

How much is in here?

I don't know.

Like 500 grand or something like that.

Enough for a while.

A while?

Where are you going?

Is this a passport?

And, Reggie, who is Demetrius Quinn?

Somebody.

Somebody who's always welcome in the Dominican Republic.

That's me.

Why do you have this?

Baby, there is no time to explain.

The house is gonna burn down.

And y'all worried about who is Demetrius Quinn.

You know what?

Don't worry about it.

What else are you hiding in this house, Reggie?

Oh.

Oh.

Thanks for reminding me.

This is almost there.

Here, boy.

Take this.

You ever hold that heavy man before?

No.

Dad, I'm in the high school and I play the bassoon.

I'm sorry, son.

I let you down.

I'm raising you soft like a bitch.

Cuz I know how to shoot a gun.

Yes.

There are Bosnians on the way coming to kill us, and he talking about,

I'll play the bassoon.

Maybe they wanna hear a song or something like that.

Demetrius, give us what we are owed.

Handle him, son.

Who is that?

I can't.

Then allow me.

Why

do I gotta do everything myself around this house?

What do you mean?

Look, baby, just calm down.

I need you to... I need you to take this thumb drive.

All right?

There's bank accounts, pictures.

Everything's in here.

Take it.

Stick it in your cooch.

What?

I'll put it in your ass.

Because if I put it in my ass, then who's gonna hold the map?

Ooh!

Man up, let's get going.

Get your head up in your ass, too?

Come on.

Because what have you not told our family?

Oh, my family.

Okay.

Look.

Stop calling me papa in front of my real family.

Take these cigarettes and go in for good life.

Don't get...

Don't!

I'm sorry.

You speak French?

I'm poop.

What?

What was that?

Were they living here?

I told you there's no time for that.

All you want to do is sit up and talk about what is this?

What is that?

The house is going to burn up?

Come on, we gotta go.

We're gonna leave the rest.

Okay, but what about Buster?

We can't leave Buster.

Buster!

Oh, my gosh.

Buster, come on, boy!

Come here!

Buster!

I'll bet he's gone.

That dog probably saw you shoot that man and drove away in a Hyundai.

Buster!

Buster, where is he?

Oh, sweet boy!

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, come on, Buster.

Buster, I can't believe I almost forgot what's important.

Oh, my God.

This is the core of love, and I'm saying this.

He's a good boy.

Hey!

And he got something very important in your stomach.

Don't worry, I made it quick!

Oh.

Oh, he's still moving a little bit.

Take a bite out of his heart.

Oh, no!

Oh, I got it.

I knew I should've stayed a lesbian like I was in college.

Excuse me, I gotta make a phone call.

Ni hao.

Say, say, call.

Tan, tai.

Say, watchin, tai.

Say, watchin, location, TikTok.

All right, say, say.

Bye-bye.

All right, let's get out of here.

Let's go, let's go!

Oh, it's another notice from the city.

The alert was a false alarm.

You passed my test.

You just gotta be a little faster next time, that's all.

No, you gotta leave.

I don't even know you.

Yeah, man, get out of here.

All right, fine.

You see the cat?

It's got a page in its ass.

What?

Ladies and gentlemen, Glorilla.

Glorilla, I bet you gon' be on the floor.

Carbon, he like Mayweather.

Tula come through and throw her.

Got millions, I've been rapping.

They hating after packing and coming.

I stole the show.

Don't run up on that girl.

She a head case.

All she do is shoot.

I sat my deal up on the PJ and hopped out of her shoe.

I'm geeked on next.

We patting on more features.

I might just third shoe.

Geeked on next.

We patting on more features.

I might third shoe.

Yeah, Glorilla.

Stump a look.

In some shell talk.

Yeah, Glorilla.

Slap and rap women and make a bell.

Yeah, Glorilla.

Two-tone quality.

Yeah, match the nails.

Yeah, Glorilla.

Where you been at?

Mine.

Everywhere I'm working hard.

Make that G-Wagon truck.

Got M&Ms in my garage.

With the crank up on.

You people.

Keep it solid.

Everything I got on new.

It look like I got renovated.

I'm cocky.

When I was just humble.

They didn't appreciate it.

Young with it.

Wretched.

I'm the hood with me.

Motivation.

On top of the ground.

Now they tried to underestimate.

Get them Glorilla.

Them people crying.

When you know you the truth.

Get them Glorilla.

Stop overthinking.

Deep on that message.

Get them Glorilla.

Stand in on pieces.

They need Chanel shoes.

Throw a letter.

Play with me.

I gon' eat some jail food.

Yeah, Glorilla.

Stump a look.

In some shell talk.

Yeah, Glorilla.

Slap it.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, guys, it is the dawn of a new era.

Donald Trump released his official inaugural portrait,

and the photo was lit, I assume, by hell opening up.

Trump is trying to look so hardcore in this photo, I'm surprised

he didn't add a parental advisory sticker and a do-rag.

And then Trump also released the official portrait of J.D.

Vance.

Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony has been moved inside the Capitol building.

Hey, just like last time.

President Biden delivered a farewell address to the nation on Wednesday,

and then triumphantly rode off into the pavement.

In his farewell speech to the nation, President Biden defended his

administration's accomplishments by ending

every sentence with, You ungrateful bastards.

Meta CEO and Puerto Rican gigolo Mark Zuckerberg flew

down to Mar-a-Lago to meet with Donald Trump, and, boy, are his knees tired.

He

falls on Martin Luther King Day, and if Dr. King were alive today,

I bet Trump would walk right up to him and say, Oh, snap, it's Ben Carson!

He doesn't know who they are, it's the joke of that.

In other big news this week, Israel and Hamas

committed to their version of dry January.

President Biden said that the Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks

were one of the toughest negotiations he had ever experienced.

The hardest part was convincing both sides that he was still the president.

President Biden announced that a Navy aircraft

carrier will be named in honor of Bill Clinton.

The carrier will also honor Bill Clinton by being covered in semen.

Robert F.

Kennedy Jr., Trump's nominee to lead the nation's health

agencies, will have his Senate confirmation hearing next week.

RFK has been preparing for the hearings by setting his tanning bed to Tropic Thunder.

An agreement in the defamation lawsuit against Rudy Giuliani has been reached,

which allows him to keep his Florida condo, Yankees memorabilia,

and his most prized possession, Secretariat's Teeth.

He's got horse teeth, Colin.

Steve... Steve Bannon attacked Elon Musk, calling him a truly evil person.

Though technically, Bannon's exact words were, Elon Musk-a-de-chuba-ki-ma-da-evil.

Why'd you say it in Italian?

Hours ago...

Hours ago, TikTok went offline in the U.S.

Here to plead one final case for not banning TikTok is Michael Longfellow.

Always good to see you, Che.

I wish you were under happier circumstances.

Well, so you're against the United States banning TikTok?

Correct.

It's the first political opinion I've ever had.

Huh.

I feel it is my responsibility to come out here and

defend TikTok's right to remain in these United States.

Well, there are legitimate reasons for banning TikTok.

Like what?

Because it's Chinese?

So we're just banning things because they're from China now?

Well, you know who else was from China?

No, man.

That's right.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus was not Chinese, man.

I thought he was Middle Eastern, but I saw it on a TikTok.

Chinese!

Jesus Christ was Chinese.

What about the fact they say TikTok is stealing your data?

No.

Who cares about my data?

Oh, no.

China knows I like thick Latinas.

Who doesn't?

Give me a break.

I mean, that's a fair point.

What about all the research that says it's bad for your brain?

Ah, this is boring.

I'm bored.

Are you trying to swipe up on me?

Yes!

Why won't you go?

Sorry, I just... I have no attention span anymore.

I have ADHD.

I didn't know that.

I'll never forget being diagnosed.

It was last year.

I took a TikTok quiz.

And the third time I took it, it said I might have ADHD.

That does not mean you have ADHD.

Then why did TikTok give me Adderall?

Which I didn't even know was medicine, by the way.

The doctor told me, we're giving you Adderall, and I was like, oh, cool,

but this is no time to party, doctor.

But I guess people use it to read.

Okay, but even...

But even if you don't want it banned, what about future generations?

And what have the generations already lost?

What becomes of us?

How do we live now?

Well, you've lived without TikTok for most of your life.

You just live like you used to live.

I don't remember how.

I know I lived a life before TikTok.

I must have.

But that boy is dead.

He's dead, and he's never coming back.

Without TikTok, I don't know anything anymore.

What do I do at work?

What do I even watch during a movie?

Just watch the movie!

But during, Che, when I get bored for like a few seconds...

Just still watch the movie.

I'm moving to China.

Michael Longfellow, everybody!

This gives zero...

Spikes have been installed on several New York City subway turnstiles in an effort

to stop fare evaders, as well as to provide something

sharp for mentally ill people to shove you into.

Harry, the miniature donkey who served as a model for Donkey and the Shrek movies,

has died at the age of 30, just as he was about

to reveal what he saw at those ditty parties.

I heard that on TikTok, Colin.

Progresso is introducing a new soup-flavored hard candy called Soup Drops.

Soup Drops are the brainchild of Progresso's new CEO, a deranged, toothless hobo.

A Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist was the first person to be arrested,

according to the new California law prohibiting

the possession of AI-generated child porn.

Which brings me to my new segment, Hear Me Out.

Whoa!

Hear Me Out.

Isn't AI-generated child porn the best possible solution for pedophiles?

They aren't real kids.

It's just fake kids that are generated by scanning thousands of real...

Okay, now I see the problem.

This has been Hear Me Out.

This has been Hear Me Out.

New...

New research suggests that by the year 2060, the number of people in the U.S.

with dementia will double, and my heart goes out to

all those Jamaican ladies who have to deal with that.

A new study finds that the country with the largest average bra size is Norway,

but America still has the largest average bra size for men.

Hear Me Out.

Hear Me Out.

Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has cleared homeless

encampments in New Orleans ahead of next month's Super Bowl.

No word on where they sent the homeless people, but on my way in today,

a guy did ask me, uh, you got that there dollar there, mon ami?

What is going on?

New York City police are searching for the serial mugger who makes victims negotiate

what he'll steal, and is being called the Haggler After

Midnight, which is also my nickname at the Hustler Club.

I've heard that.

One of the more surprising success stories at the holiday box office this year was

Nosferatu, a remake of the classic 1922 film.

Here to comment is the original Nosferatu.

It

cost oceans of time to find you, and also the George Washington Bridge.

Traffic was crazy.

I'm cheating.

It's good to see you, Colin.

Oh, well, it's great to have you here too, original Nosferatu.

Wow, wow.

It's much smaller than I imagined.

Yes, I know.

People are always saying that about the studio.

Not the studio!

Your penis, Colin!

That's very funny, Nosferatu.

Oh, my God, it is out.

Oh.

I must have been like that all day.

God, I visited sick kids at the hospital.

And for those of you wondering, he looked just like me.

Weird, white, and pointy.

Okay, I'm just, I'm gonna ignore that.

Uh, anyway, I'm very curious.

What did you think of the new Nosferatu movie?

I thought it sucked!

Vampire humor sucked.

Yeah.

No, really good.

Speaking of, I want to suck your veiny neck!

Okay, please do not touch me with your cold, slimy fingers.

Said your former assistant!

No, I'm cheating, I'm cheating.

I really like the movie.

Although it, like, would have been nice to,

like, get an audition, like, heat me up, bro.

Oh.

All right, I gotta say, it sounds like you

might be a little jealous of the new Nosferatu.

Jealous of what, Colin?

He doesn't even look like the Nosferatu!

The guy is, like, jacked and has, like, a mustache.

He looks like shirtless Ned Flanders!

Like, how did he even get so swole?

Vampires only do one sit-up a day!

And it's like this, Colin!

It's like this!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Oh, don't, don't.

Oh, don't, don't.

Oh, don't, don't, don't.

Okay.

Really, very, very impressive.

Yeah, I just...

I think you might just be a little jealous of the new Nosferatu, because you can

barely do one sit-up, and you can't grow any facial hair.

Whatever, Colin.

You can't grow a mustache either.

Okay, okay, stop.

You're gonna give me a nosebleed?

The last thing I need is you sucking on my nose.

Oh!

Suck on your nose?

Really?

No, thanks.

I don't want to be up all night.

Cocaine, Colin!

Yes.

Thank you.

I got that Nosferatu.

Noseferatu?

Well, you've got a nose for coke, dude.

Okay, don't encourage him.

You seem really amped up yourself.

I need to suck some blood.

I'm thirsty, Colin.

Well, guess it's time to visit my favorite cast member, that's Sarah Sherman.

Oh, yes.

And why is she your favorite?

Because she's been on her period for three years straight.

Good Lord.

Well, you know what I always say.

If there's blood on the field, play ball.

No Nosferatu, everyone.

I like the movie.

I like it.

Bring an update.

I'm Colin Gerst.

I'm Michael Cho.

Good night.

Mr. Curtis.

Officers, please help.

You've got to help me find my girlfriend.

Okay, well, now that we've got her name and address, all we

need now is a physical description so we can broadcast it wide.

We'll put her information on the news, the paper, and the posters all over town.

Oh, sure.

Whatever you need.

Okay, here we go.

Eye color.

Brown.

Height.

Five-six.

Great.

And her weight.

I'm sorry?

Uh, how much does she weigh?

If you don't know, just guess.

So you want me to say a number of what I think her weight is on record?

Uh, sorry.

Excuse me.

I just, uh, need to take this trash out real quick.

It's her trap.

Mr. Curtis, we legally need to put something down.

Just a number, okay?

What is her weight?

Okay, well, personally, I've never really thought about my girlfriend's weight.

Uh, seriously?

Um, all right.

Uh, look.

If you were to buy her a jacket, what size jacket would she wear?

Uh, tiny, tiny, tiny.

Hello, this is the police.

Uh, look.

Buddy, I have to put a number on the form or we cannot proceed, okay?

So please, take this as seriously as possible.

Look, I do.

And I'm trying, okay?

It's, uh...

One, six...

85 pounds.

85.

85 pounds?

She's that small?

Okay, uh, let's move on.

What is your girlfriend's race?

She black.

Okay, and how old is she?

She grown.

Okay, and what does she do for work?

She a queen.

Uh, all right.

You know, look, Mr. Curtis, are there any unique

identifying features your girlfriend might have?

Birthmark?

Anything specific?

Oh, a beautiful soul.

She got a beautiful soul.

All right, uh, let me see if I got this straight, because again, this is the

information we're going to put all over the news.

So on the news, they're going to say, and I quote, authorities in Trenton County

are looking for a tiny 85-pound grown black queen with a beautiful soul?

Yes, that is exactly right.

And when you find her, you tell her, that's what I told you to put on a poster.

Okay, so then your girlfriend looks like this.

Ah, sorry, sorry, that's not right.

You, uh, forgot her crown.

Jesus Christ.

Well, this was a waste of time, but I guess we need to get this APA out as

soon as possible if we have any chance of finding her.

So we will contact you when we have any information, Mr. Curtis.

Well done, son.

Ah, thank you, I guess.

But what happens now?

How do I know they're going to find her?

Oh, don't worry, kid.

I was in your shoes once.

My wife went missing, and I came in here, and

they asked me to guess how much she weighed.

But I got out of there without ever saying a number.

Wait.

And they still... they still found her?

No, of course not.

But they brought me back somebody better.

Good luck, brother.

Try not to slip in that blood over there.

I ain't good at mopping.

Once again, Glorilla.

Glorilla.

.

G-G-L-O-N-A-G-L-E.

50,000 new Chanel shop is breeding.

Every time I pop it out, you know I A-T-E.

I'm that girl.

Keep like me.

Know it's Y-W-R-D-C-M-G.

Wipe me down.

Small.

Tall.

Long.

Play no small.

50 women all.

Ambilon.

It's a certain night.

What's up?

And I'm a head snag.

I'm for my shots.

The town drink along.

I'm outside the kids.

Cause I hate it, huh?

It's giving her.

Who?

Face.

It's giving her.

Who?

Face.

On gun gun.

Let her cook.

Uh.

Let me cook.

Never gave a damn.

I ain't never gave no pudding.

Fell out with them walls.

We ain't never make enough.

To a book.

We in them.

Let her cook.

Big low come through.

Let her cook.

Too much cake I'll pop.

Oh God.

Let her cook.

All these sauce I'm trying.

Let me cook.

Big low come through.

Shut it down.

I'm bringing balls out.

Run up on this issue.

What do you want?

I'm swinging balls out.

If them girls ain't bad in the zone.

Then put them out.

Put them out.

Got my ankles on your heel to show.

Put them toes out.

Let's get it.

But they got a little better.

Now these girls a little madder.

Okay.

Head and got a little better.

I don't even think that madder.

Uh-uh.

Girl talking like she gangsta.

She don't really want no ammo.

You boss gonna walk up mad and need your bitch sent.

I ain't gonna cry anymore.

Woo!

Let me cook.

Hey, it's your girl Arlette.

And welcome to another episode of Pop the Balloon or Find Love.

In front of me are eight beautiful single ladies.

Let's go.

I'm gonna bring some eligible bachelors around the corner one by one.

If he's your type, you like what he's working with, don't pop that balloon.

But if he's just not it, don't be shy.

Pop that thing, okay?

Let's bring out our first single guy.

Hi.

Uh, hey there ladies.

My name's Phil.

I'm 31.

Uh, I love to cook.

Wow, that was almost everyone.

Why'd you pop it, Christy?

Um, he said he likes to cook and I really don't like the smell of food.

Sorry.

Oh, but Marie, you still got your balloon.

Yeah, he seems like he let me cheat on him.

And I like that.

I will.

Come on.

All right, ladies.

Say hello to your next single, Devon.

What's good, y'all?

My name's Devon.

Uh, I don't really work like that.

You know what I'm saying?

I be on the game.

I'm looking for a baddie who's quiet, thick, and loyal.

Cause I'm not.

Wow.

No pops.

That's actually wild.

What's going on over here, Michelle?

I don't know.

He got aura.

He's cute.

You're gonna say less.

Come on, where'd you go?

Oh.

Hello, beautiful.

Uh, my name is Jamone.

As in, make you Jamone.

I am a brand and entertainment impresario.

Ready for the next man?

Meet Silky.

Thank you all, there.

Oh.

Ow.

Silky, that's shootin'.

Sweet day and salutations, ladies.

My name is Silky Johnson.

Little bit about me.

I'm a purveyor of precious goods and services.

I.E., bitches.

I'm sorry.

Are you some sort of sex trafficker?

I don't do traffic.

I take helicopters, bitch.

And as for you, that coat right there looks like your skin to grouse.

Horrible bitches make horrible decisions.

And you.

Tangerine's not your color and there's something in your belly button.

Oh.

Made you look.

As for this one of y'all.

Who?

I know you ain't talkin' to me with your chipmunk looking at her.

Chipmunk.

Oh.

Do me a favor and hand this woman another balloon.

Ow.

Sassy mouth.

Good day, ladies.

Let's meet our last guy, Larry.

I'm gonna wrap this up before I pass away.

I can't believe all y'all bitches popped the balloon on me.

I'm going back to the street.

Ow!

My thanks to Gorilla, the cast and crew of Saturday Night Live.

Lauren Michaels.

50 years for life.

Let's go.

Thank you very much, everybody.