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You're torching 2024.

You got Sam Morril, Tim Dillon, Ms. Pat, Mark Normand, Hannah Berner.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Any predictions?

Ooh! Vicious roast!

Love you too.

What's up, everybody!

I'm your bad boy for life, P. Diddy.

Now, let's get this party started!

Please welcome my bitch for tonight,

the Roastmaster General,

Jeff Ross!

Crappy old year!

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Torching 2024!

How 'bout a hand for the Squid Game guards? Great job.

Am I racist if I say they all look alike, those Squid Game guys?

This is gonna be a wild night. Oh, look at this!

Dude, we got Diddy bartending, he brought his lawyers with him.

What's happening, fellas?

Take a bow, guys.

This is great.

Got him on bail for the night, huh?

Maybe it's time to change Diddy's name to Definitely.

Yes, we're gonna roast all the big moments and trends of 2024.

Uh, Diddy, can I get a, uh, baby oil on the rocks?

Thank you.

Hey, Diddy, if you're here,

who's getting strangled in your cell while the cameras malfunction?

Too soon?

Not on this show.

Aliens over New Jersey, Diddy's in trouble,

big year for anal probes.

This is cool, man. What a year.

What a fucking year.

So--

Gonna be incredible. So many twists and turns.

Turns out the election wasn't fixed, but the boxing match was.

Which reminds me, if you're just tuning in,

Netflix is fine. It's not buffering.

I really look like this.

I know I look like Bruce Willis if his trainer also had dementia.

I look like the kind of guy who watches Squid Game

hoping it's about calamari.

Thank you.

My fellow Americans, yes, we remain a divided nation.

But I think we can all agree on one thing, the silver lining of the election,

is that Ellen DeGeneres left the country.

Let the healing begin.

Living in England's gonna be kind of confusing for Ellen,

you know, 'cause they drive on the other side of the road there,

and they only call you a cunt when they like you.

Yeah!

Big year in music. Diplo, what the fuck, are you serious?

Diplo's here! What's going on, buddy?

This is so cool, all my friends are here.

Simon... This is cool.

Diplo, you're one of my favorite DJs.

You know, Diplo's not short for "diploma", I'll tell you that.

Nothing?

All right.

It was a big year for music.

Shout out to Taylor Swift, who just ended her billion-dollar Eras Tour.

I went to the LA show. Did you go, Diplo?

I went. It was amazing. It was so emotional.

I even got my period for the first time.

But for me, no moment encapsulated the insanity of this year

better than when Donald Trump worked a drive-through window at McDonald's.

Wow. Even Grimace was like, "That guy's got a weird-shaped body."

Yeah, but you gotta admit, the biggest rise of the year

has to be the Hawk Tuah Girl.

Remember Hawk Tuah Girl?

it was a real gags-to-riches story.

By the way, Haliey, Hawk Tuah, if you're watching,

humanity owes you a debt of gratitude.

Your video made blowjobs so popular, even the Yankees blew the World Series.

Ohtani! Ohtani!

Ohtani!

Sure, Oppenheimer won all the Oscars this year,

but Ohtani should've won best actor

for pretending he didn't bet against the Yankees.

That's the nicest joke you're gonna hear about Oppenheimer and a Japanese guy.

Definitely the wildest news of the year,

Elon Musk bought the United States.

Wow!

We are a fixer-upper, I guess.

Now we're supposed to trust him with the government

even though the Cybertruck got recalled six times this year.

But hey, at least it's soundproof,

which is great, so when you pull out of your driveway,

you can't hear your own kids laughing at you.

The Cybertruck doesn't come with a spare tire, but

apparently Elon does.

Look at that little belly.

He wears those little t-shirts that are too short for him.

Forget Mars, maybe he should explore a Planet Fitness.

It's only ten dollars a month.

2024 was so crazy,

Even Kanye went quiet.

That's how you know things are bad,

when Kanye's like, "No, I'm gonna sit this one out."

Yep, Kanye went to Japan,

Beyoncé went country,

and any chance of a One Direction reunion

went straight out the window.

Yep.

Diplo, you're not involved in this beef

between Drake and Kendrick at all, are you?

No, you don't want any of that shit.

These two guys released 17 diss tracks back and forth

insulting each other.

Even Hamas is like, "Let it go already."

"Jeez! Get a room, guys!"

Call me sentimental, but I miss old-school hip-hop

when rappers would just shoot each other.

Poor Drake, he's the only Jew who lost a war this year.

You liked that one?

Of course we couldn't torch 2024

without two of its breakout TV stars.

Give it up for Erik and Lyle, the Menendez brothers.

Great to see you guys.

Thank you.

How'd you get those killer seats?

When you were driving here, did you argue over who'd get shotgun?

What a story. Anybody watch that Netflix show

on the Menendez brothers?

What a story.

Too bad your lawyer couldn't do what your dad did.

Get you off.

Oh, you think that's bad? Wait till this one.

Menendez brothers, I know your parents were ver...

I'm going to Hell for this one. Maybe I shouldn't do it.

Do it!

Menendez brothers, I know your parents were very religious,

but thanks to you guys, they became the two holiest people in Beverly Hills.

Hey, who else saw the Wicked movie? I loved it so much.

Yeah. I enjoyed Wicked so much,

I questioned if I was gay.

Then I saw Gladiator II,

and I knew I was gay.

After Wicked, there were so many women and gay guys crying in the lobby,

I thought Trump won again.

This is fun.

Oh yeah, look at this! The star of the Summer Olympics is here.

Give it up for Australian breakdancer Raygun!

Hi, Raygun!

What's up, what's up!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Hey!

If your name's Raygun, why do you dance like you're being tased?

A 2024 legend who got the Olympic breakdancing canceled.

Raygun, your moves were so bad, when the Special Olympics saw them,

they were like, "You know what? It's okay to say the word 'retard' again."

Raygun, everybody!

Hannah Berner! She'll be back in a little while.

Wow!

And I gotta say, I'm really honored.

This is, uh, really incredible that this person's here.

Our current president,

- Joe Biden's here. Mr. President. - Hey, good to see you, America!

- How you doing, America! - Mr. President!

How are we feeling? Happy early Kwanzaa!

Thank you for coming!

How we doing? Yeah, doing good.

I can't stay long, though, Jeff.

I've got a big election coming up.

Come on!

I beg your pardon?

Sure, ain't no problem, how many you need? I got pardons for days.

You get a pardon, you get a pardon, you get a pardon.

Hey, you get a pardon.

I'm gonna give Diplo a pardon for those sunglasses.

There we go. Everybody gets a pardon.

Hey, tell P. Daddy over there,

if you go and make me a gin and tonic with no funny business,

I'll give you a pardon too.

- Oh! - What else? What else?

Holy dandruff, Jeff, who's that hot lesbo playing drums?

Oh!

I'd love to sniff her head!

That's our band leader for tonight, the great John Stamos!

Yeah!

- Yeah! - Have mercy.

Look at this guy! Thank you for being here, John.

You're amazing. You're-you're aging like fine Greek yogurt.

Hit it, baby!

Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen,

let...

the torching...

...begin!

Our roasters are backstage getting ready.

They can hear you, so make some noise, roast fans!

Fuck yeah!

First up are two of the hottest solo acts in the game,

but tonight, they're doing a double-team.

Here they are, straight from a freak-off,

to perform at our joke-off,

my friends Sam Morril and Mark Normand!

What's up?

- Hey, hey! - Oh my God, hey!

- Comedy, huh? - Hey.

Jeff, you look amazing. You look like the Great Gout-sby.

I know, Jesus. Who wrote your jokes, FatGPT?

You look a photo negative of Steve Harvey.

Ah, Jeff, you're anti-vax but you're provolone.

Oh Diddy, help, help!

Jeff, you look like a fat Jewish dictator.

You're like NetanYoo-hoo.

Guys! Take it easy. Mercy, guys, mercy.

It's been a rough year. I had cancer this year.

- Oh jeez! - Aw, shit.

- Tomorrow's my last day of chemotherapy. - All right.

- All right, all right, okay! - Thank you.

- It's crazy. - Wow!

I'm gonna be okay, don't worry about me.

- All right. - I'm gonna be okay.

This is very cathartic. I love you guys.

- Love you, man. - Hey, I'm glad you beat cancer

'cause even cancer hates you as a host.

Jeff, you're pretty fat for a guy who beat cancer.

You sure you didn't eat cancer?

If Jeff were the McDonald's shooter,

when he was leaving, he'd have said, "Leave the gun, take the McFlurry."

- We should do some Luigi jokes, right? - Yes, do Luigi jokes!

Luigi!

Apparently on the shell casings, the bullets said, "Delay, deny, defend."

On Alec Baldwin's, they just said, "Oops."

And hey, that Luigi, he's a hunky guy. No homo... I mean,

no HMO.

Yeah, he got popped by a McDonald's employee.

Should've gone to Popeyes, they don't snitch.

A McDonald's employee turned in

shooter Luigi Mangione in Altoona, Pennsylvania,

when he became suspicious

there was an attractive person at McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania.

Hey, they say he's going to jail for a long time.

But come on. Luigi? He'll escape through the pipes.

Apparently he had back problems and was pissed about it.

I have back problems too. I think that's the difference between Jews and Italians.

We complain. You guys actually do something about it.

He was Italian. He was so Italian, his gun was homemade.

He was a professional shooter, but his dad called him a "prosciutt".

That's true, but either way,

he's still a better shooter than Bronny.

But look, I get the feeling, you know?

I lost 20K on that Hawk Tuah coin.

I wish he'd shoot her.

But she's already used to taking shots on the back.

Oh jeez.

Jeff dropped his butt plug.

Hey, all right.

Speaking of people going to jail soon,

crazy of all the groups Diddy produced, he wasn't involved with Boyz II Men.

Hey, I read that entire indictment from Jay to Z.

Oh!

Yeah.

He was a great collaborator.

R. Kelly did all his rapes himself.

At least Diddy shared. Just sayin'.

Ashton Kutcher and his wife are actually moving to Europe to avoid Diddy drama.

That is a bad sign when your wife asks how close you were with Diddy and you go,

"Let's leave the country."

Diddy's about to feel like one of his songs in prison, 'cause

he's about to get sampled, all right?

♪ Ain't nobody gonna hold me down ♪

Oh, I think they will.

Diddy's kids got handcuffed this year too.

King and Justin, those are their names, I think he favors one of them.

But, uh...

I wanna do that to my kids just to ruin their childhoods.

"These are my sons, Big Dick Legend and Ralph."

"I love them equally."

All right, let's change gears. How about that Taylor Swift, huh?

Oh yeah, that, uh...

That Eras Tour was huge. Those stadiums were filled with

more 13-year-old screaming girls than a Diddy party.

Taylor did so much this year.

She's the hardest-working Taylor in show business,

except for the person who does Lizzo's outfits.

Hey, Lizzo got canceled this year,

but I stand behind her.

You just can't see me.

Let's lighten it up.

Stephen Hawking.

So...

The Epstein list was revealed this year,

and some of the names were surprising.

These are just allegations.

Stephen Hawking was never charged, except for when his battery ran low.

That must suck for these kids. Imagine being on Epstein's island.

You already hate vegetables.

Tough one. How do you punish a guy

who's already spent his entire life in an electric chair?

Look, you know how hard that is in his condition to get to Epstein's island?

That is one horny paraplegic, huh?

Yeah. He deserves a round of applause.

- I agree. Yeah. - Yeah!

- Come on! - Yeah.

This guy loves vagina.

You could see it as a crippling addiction.

Okay, I feel bad making fun of the guy.

He can't even drive, but he loves to traffic.

Look, I get it. He does have an incurable genetic disease.

He's a pedophile.

Allegedly.

You know, they interviewed the Epstein pilot,

and he said every underage person he saw on the flight was with a parent or adult,

and I was like, "Yeah, those are two different things."

Can't go to the playground... "Is that your son?"

"It's a kid."

- Thank you very much, guys. Good night! - Thank you, good night!

Give it up for Faggot and Costello!

I love you guys. Mark Normand, you're amazing.

- Thank you. - Sam Morril, love you so much.

You're amazing, buddy.

- Thank you. - Incredible, guys.

I was laughing so hard.

You having fun up there in the balcony? Everybody good?

All right.

You may know our next roaster from her hit sitcom

or her sold-out comedy tours.

Tonight, she's here to bring the year to its knees.

The Southern belle from ATL,

make it loud for Ms. Pat!

So this year, y'all, I made a mistake

of caring about what people think.

After I did Club Shay Shay podcast,

I read the comments section, and it fucked me up.

I've never been called fat so much in my damn life,

just from Shannon Sharpe.

And people went crazy with Ozempic this year.

I'm not ashamed to say it. I tried it.

It didn't work for me.

Apparently, you gotta shoot it in your ass and not put it in your milkshake.

Aren't y'all tired of all of this fake-ass body positivity shit?

And these people who preach this body-positivity shit

is the first ones that turn on you.

Look what happened to Lizzo

after she had that scandal with her background dancer.

At first, everybody was like,

"She's so brave to put on that damn two-piece...

I mean, eight-piece swimsuit."

As soon as they learned she liked eatin' bananas out of stripper pussies,

they let her have it.

Everyone was like, "Oh hell, no."

"What the hell that knock-kneed, flute-footed, sagging ass, Paul Bunyan,

extra greasy,

built like an uncle bitch do."

White people, you can laugh. She ain't gonna see this.

Y'all know Hollywood started this body-positivity trend,

and they don't even cast fat people anymore.

They let Colin Farrell play the Penguin.

Where that shit at? This... Look at this man right here.

And look at Jeff Ross tonight.

Tell me he ain't the damn Penguin.

I saw Jeff Ross backstage eating fish out of a damn bucket.

In 2024, y'all,

celebrities spent all this money to lose weight.

Look at Adele ass,

looking like a Canadian Wonder Woman.

And look at Jelly Roll ass,

looking like a big back Post Malone.

And look at Ice Spice.

Her ass done melt away.

Can somebody please tell this Orphan Annie

she don't rap good enough to have a flat ass?

That's why I fuck with rapper Dave Blunts.

He's a... Look at his big ass. You see him? Here.

White dude, you see that big nigga back there?

He's an unapologetic diabetic.

It's easy to make fun of Dave, yes, it is, 'cause he's a 500-pound,

sitting on the couch with an oxygen mask.

The only problem is, is he got a white woman by his side.

Must you bitches take all the good ones?

But one thing I can tell you,

you never see an episode of 600-lb Life where they by themselves.

They always got somebody there to kiss them goodnight.

To take them to the local car wash to get a shower.

And they always got a woman who willing to kick 'em in the stomach

so they dick pop out like a cash register.

I need some help understanding something.

Why was everybody hating on the nepo babies this year?

My son worked on my sitcom.

I hired and fired him every damn season.

If successful parents don't help their kids out,

they might end up a damn criminal,

or worse, asking us for our damn money.

Ain't that right, Joe Biden?

Yes, Queen.

You do know I ain't Queen Latifah, right?

Hey, I don't see color.

- Come on. - Come on up here.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the sleepiest president in the world!

Joe Biden!

- Hey. - You all right?

I can't see. Happy early Kwanzaa.

You know, I get a lot of...

I get a lot of crap for pardoning Hunter. He's not a nepo baby.

He's a nepo man, baby!

Nobody has ever said anything nice about my boy.

A lot of you guys don't know this, but Hunter

bought that crack with his own money.

Oh, there's no way Michael B. Jordan would have been in those Rocky movies

if his dad didn't play for the Bulls.

I mean, come on, you can do anything when your dad's friends with Scottie Pippin.

Well said, Mr. President.

Come on, let's do a cool Black handshake and get out of here.

No, y'all white men don't wash your hands after y'all piss.

- All right, rain check, rain check. - Wow.

I seen y'all niggas go to the bathroom.

Give it up for the President and his new nurse.

Oh wait.

Mr. President, are you having fun so far?

I'm having a blast, Jeff. Hit me, Uncle Jesse.

Wow.

Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

- This way, Mr. President. - We got a great show for you.

Coldplay is here tonight!

- This way, Mr. President. - Cold...

Who just shit my pants?

This way. Pat, help him.

- Hey. - Wow!

Wow.

Incredible.

Comedy, bringing people together.

Roasting, healing the world.

Right now, there's a profound division in this country.

And I think a lot of that is because

we don't listen to each other until it's too late.

Sometimes people take matters into their own hands,

like Luigi Mangione.

I heard Luigi's new nickname is the Uni-brower.

But who better to heal us

and remind us we're at our best when we're united

than the former UnitedHealthcare CEO,

yes, back from the dead,

the late, great Brian Thompson.

You lousy socialist pigs!

Is this what you want?

Laugh it up! Here's a...

Here's the free medicine, there you go!

That's fentanyl, have as much as you want!

It's fentanyl laced with more fentanyl.

I'm Brian Thompson.

I...

I'm going to Hell for this, you might as well laugh. I...

I...

I'm the CEO of UnitedHealthcare,

and I understand a lot of you are happy I'm dead.

Yeah, I read the tweets.

You don't think they have X in Hell?

That's all they have in Hell.

Half the people commenting on there are burning in a pot of boiling oil.

Let me tell you something, your reaction to my murder makes me sick.

And not the type of sick I would immediately deny

for not having the proper paperwork.

You gotta have the paperwork!

You should be thanking me for what I did.

I'm the hero.

In fact, as I was laying there with that hunky,

unibrowed Italian kid, Linguine Mascarpone...

standing over my bleeding body,

my last thought was, "I love my job."

I do. Because I help people.

Not by giving them healthcare, but by denying it.

Oh, your nana needs her insulin?

Your nana needs her insulin.

Maybe your nana needs to make better choices.

Maybe one less Little Debbie cake after dinner,

and you wouldn't need Big Pharma to bail you out

of an early grave.

But you didn't think about that, did you, you selfish bitch?

But what do I know?

I only ran a company voted America's most innovative provider

by Fortune Magazine three years in a row.

That's right. Innovative.

When you submitted a claim,

other companies said no.

We said,

"Fuck no!"

You think we put you on hold too much?

We think you call too much.

How 'bout that?

Oh, your daughter has leukemia, huh? Just yours?

Just yours?

And if you love her so much, why don't you get off the phone,

take her for ice cream, take her wig shopping?

He's dead. Now...

The truth is, without people like me

fucking over people like you,

to help people like me,

this country would fall apart.

And that's on you.

And look at yourselves dancing in the streets,

because that guy, Tortellini Mozzarella, took me by surprise

like an unexpected medical bill and shot me in the back.

Apparently, he had his own back problems.

I'm sorry, Luigi,

but nobody feels bad for a thin guy with back problems.

Claim denied!

But if you're happy I'm dead, the joke's on you.

Most people think I'm out of the game right now

because I'm rotting in Hell.

Wrong! I'm working remote.

And harder than ever.

Just the opposite. Where do you think the UnitedHealthcare headquarters is?

That's right, down there where the market's always hot.

Right next to BlackRock and Ben & Jerry's.

The Devil is on the board of UnitedHealthcare,

and now I've got his ear.

And if you think I'm gonna hold back, you're dead wrong.

I'm taking healthcare to a new level of Hell. That's right.

The machine keeps rolling. Rolling on,

just like your uncle's wheelchair we no longer cover in his plan.

Deny, defend, decompose!

I'll see you at the retreat,

and I'll see you down here very soon,

Hawk Tuah!

Goodnight, everybody!

Tim Dillon, everyone!

Holy shit!

Now the new CEO of UnitedHealthcare, Tim Dillon.

That was a great DEAD Talk.

Amazing. One more time for our friend Tim Dillon.

That was fucking crazy.

You may know our next roaster from her hit Netflix special,

or as Raygun at the beginning of this roast.

Here to torch Tinseltown is the amazing Hannah Berner!

You guys, welcome to the Temu Tom Brady roast!

It is so nice to be in LA for the final season of Hollywood,

'cause it's a mess out here.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly broke up.

She claimed she found "disturbing material" on his phone.

I'm guessing it was his new album.

You know, the broke up two weeks after her pregnancy announcement.

Such an American story.

A machine gun ruining a family.

Drake did a diss track on Kendrick this year, and then sued him,

which is exactly what you'd expect from a Black Jew.

The word "cunt" was trending this year.

I don't think Blake Lively was that bad.

Luigi's so hot right now.

Who knew, besides Travis Kelce, that you could become so popular with women

by shooting loads into a billionaire?

Now, I think girls love Luigi 'cause he made a plan,

he showed up on time,

and engraved messages in every single bullet.

Can you imagine what he would do for your anniversary?

Oh my God.

You guys, nowadays, anyone could become a star.

A woman made $41 million on OnlyFans this year.

That's the same salary as Aaron Rodgers,

except she sucked less balls.

I'm so serious right now, he's the worst Jet to come to New York

since 9/11.

I can say that 'cause I'm from New York, you fake fucks.

Chappell Roan says she "doesn't want attention"

while dressing like a colorful Big Bird in heat.

Look, I don't know what a Chappell Roan is,

but I definitely don't want her reading to my kids.

John Stamos is here! I'm so excited.

He's the only uncle that I ever wanted to touch me.

You know things aren't great when kids are safer in the Gaza Strip

than at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Someone just said, "Jesus."

Be with you.

Actors are struggling so bad to stay relevant

that a few of them are looking forward to being named in the Diddy case.

There was a lot of news this year about a dancing wicked witch, but then

Ellen moved to England.

No, but look at the celebs nowadays.

Gypsy-Rose, the Menendez brothers.

It seems like the only way to get a show on Netflix

is to murder your parents.

Someone tell Barron Trump

I could make him a star.

Thank you so much to Netflix!

Thank you, Jeff Ross!

And thank you, Beyoncé!

Thank you to Beyoncé!

- Give it up for Hannah, everybody! - Thank you! Thank you!

There are so many amazing things

that we all forgot about in 2024.

So now I wanna do a little gang roast of some of the stuff that happened this year.

Anybody remember the eclipse happened in April?

Did you forget already?

I knew they shouldn't have booked Lizzo for a daytime outdoor concert.

Tim, did you do anything for the eclipse?

Yeah, it's the perfect adventure

for somebody too poor and lazy to see the northern lights.

Real scum.

I feel like the sun went light to dark, and back to light again,

like Ariana Grande.

Oh, I thought that was Jesus' booty hole.

Yes, the eclipse!

I'm getting eclipsed by Ms. Pat right now. Wow.

I didn't even remember this happening,

but somebody was telling me that when the movie Dune came out,

the popcorn buckets were very provocative.

- Oh yeah. - Yeah.

If you eat it correctly, it butters itself. What are you gonna...

Looks like Ms. Pat bent over.

- Get him, Ms. Pat! - Oh shit! Okay.

That look like the pussy Jeff Ross buys.

Cheaper than a prostitute,

and if you break it, you don't have to bury it in the woods.

This is what all vaginas look like to me.

Yeah, it's just like I tell my Fleshlight,

"My body, my choice." Come on.

Man, you got more lines than your son.

- Hey, that's good! - Take that back, Mark Normand!

- Hey, that's good. - Hey.

I'll come over there and [stammers]... I'll come over there and...

Hey, you're a good guy. You're a good guy. I like him.

That guy over there, it's the first gay guy I ever met live.

Speaking of kids ruining their parents' lives,

did you guys follow this at all? Did you watch the Gypsy-Rose...

- Do you follow her on TikTok? - I love her.

I will always support a woman's right to choose

to kill their mother.

Black parents lock their door. You can't get to us that easy.

We'll fuck you up.

"Parents"? There's no dad.

Oh shit.

- That was funny. - Jesus.

Mark Normand, ding, ding, ding, ding!

No... Ah!

That was tonight's Doritos Joke of the Night!

January 6th was more planned than this.

That's probably true.

Jesus Christ.

I don't give a shit about this.

- Can I do a drones joke? - Yes.

- Please, 'cause mine sucks. - Yeah.

- You saw the drones in Jersey? - Yeah.

Usually when a guy from Jersey says, "What is that thing?"

he's talking about a trans person.

That's tonight's Fruit by the Foot Joke of the Night.

- Boom! - This guy over here.

Here's one that really confused me.

John Krasinski, is that his name? He was named

People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive this year.

Look at this guy. I like that he's sad on the cover.

That's how I look right after I whack off to pictures of his wife.

Like, even he knows he doesn't deserve it.

Bullshit!

- Luckily no one cares about this stuff. - I care about this stuff.

What?

Krasinski wasn't even the sexiest man on The Office.

Everyone knows it goes Carell, Craig Robinson,

the dude who played Meredith,

- then Krasinski. - Right.

- Sounds like somebody's jelly! - No!

Are you jealous because you've never been named Sexiest Man?

No!

Come on, Stamos.

- Little bit. - Really?

Those fucking people at People had me on a 30-year losing streak.

You know who loves me who doesn't know Krasinski exists?

Women that still buy magazines.

Who else?

Gay guys who still buy magazines.

- I'm an ally. - You certainly are.

By the way, I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy you're in recovery,

- in remission. - Thank you, man.

I can't lose any more funny people. The world can't.

This looks like the before and after of Ozempic.

I just realized this is Jeff's Make-A-Wish.

This is so cute.

Let's be honest, this was the election result

that pissed most Americans off, but next year we'll take back what's ours.

Let's make America sexy again.

Stamos 2025!

Yeah!

- I love you, John Stamos! - I love you, Jeff.

You're a legend in my life.

Play something sexy for me.

Play one more sexy thing for me, all right?

- What do you got? - I love this band.

Now it's time for us to honor

some of our fallen celebrities that we lost this year.

O.J. Simpson.

If the casket don't fit,

you must acquit.

O.J. was known for his rushing and receiving.

But this year, way more fans celebrated his passing.

O.J. died peacefully, surrounded by

his very gullible friends and family.

When I first heard that country star Toby Keith passed away,

I cried a little bit, and then I realized

I was mixing him up with Keith Urban.

One of the biggest music producers in the world, Quincy Jones,

we lost him at 91 this year.

People don't realize this.

Quincy's middle name was Delight.

De light is also what he saw right before he died.

Quincy Jones was also a legendary jazz producer.

In fact, his last wish was to have his ashes scatted.

Quincy composed music for award-winning films,

but he always said his greatest score

was the heroin he got from Ray Charles.

We also lost another award-winning talent in the great actor James Earl Jones.

He was amazing. Give it up for James Earl Jones.

But on the plus side,

at least he doesn't have to sit through that new fucking Mufasa movie.

James Earl Jones was a walking contradiction.

He was a strong voice for the Black community,

but he also played Darth Vader, the most famous deadbeat dad of all time.

James Earl Jones won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony,

otherwise known as an EGOT,

as in, "EGOT diabetes and died."

We also lost fitness guru Richard Simmons.

Remember Richard Simmons?

I loved him!

Seventy-six years old.

In his old age, Richard got a little testy.

"A little testy" also describes

what was always peeking out of those tighty shorts of his.

Richard Simmons never officially came out as gay.

But if he wasn't, then we really have to rethink what gay is.

Earlier this year,

a biopic about Richard Simmons was announced,

starring Pauly Shore.

So we cannot rule out suicide.

And in case you hadn't heard it,

world-renowned sex therapist, Dr. Ruth Westheimer

finally climaxed.

Dr. Ruth is survived by two children, four grandchildren,

and one dresser drawer that they're all terrified to open.

Born in Germany, sex therapist Dr. Ruth survived the Holocaust,

and I think we can all guess how she did that.

Yeah.

Legend has it she was the only person at Auschwitz who insisted

her number be tattooed on her lower back.

She called it her "camp stamp".

Everyone, bring me a drink. Come out here, guys.

Let's all raise a glass, roasters,

to my friends Richard Lewis, Bob Newhart, San Francisco,

and all the other greats we lost this year.

How about a big hand...

...for our roasters!

Adam Ray, Ms. Pat,

Tim Dillon, Hannah Berner, Sam Morril, and Mark Normand!

John Stamos! Wow, I love you guys!

Shout out to my amazing family, our crew!

Thank you, Netflix!

We're almost out of time! No, wait.

Bring it down.

Shout out to the Baltimore Bridge disaster.

You were incredible.

Exploding beepers in the Middle East,

you guys came out of nowhere.

Astronauts stuck on the space station, we'll get you next year, I promise.

Aaron Judge, see you at the ball drop.

Gypsy-Rose, sorry about your dad.

Pete, Gisele, we left you out of this roast.

You're welcome.

To all my Haitian friends in Ohio,

next time, dinner's on me!

To Justin Timberlake, drive home safely.

Taylor and Travis, I got a diamond guy if you need one.

You can find him in the Jewish tunnels of Brooklyn.

To JoJo Siwa, Moo Deng, Lizzo, and all the other Costco Guys,

stay demure, stay mindful,

and I hope you all find a nice guy in finance,

trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes.

To my fans, I'm sorry I had to bail this year.

I'll be back on the road doing my show, Take a Banana for the Ride, real soon.

Come see me. Go see all these comedians live.

They're all incredible.

Incredible.

And if anyone's thinking about shooting a CEO

to get mentioned on our show next year,

don't do it. That's so last year.

Happy New Year!