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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

London!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

London.

London, London.

There's only one London
in the world except
for all the other ones,

which is really annoying.
Couldn't it just be one?
Thank you very much.

But we were called Londonian
by the Romans.

And we said, "No.
"We're not going to do that.

"We're going to change some
of the vowels at the end,

"because we want
the un-don sound."

And I think that's what
we're most attached to.

When I think of London,
I think of the un-don.

The same O-N-O-N
bit at the end.
And we have no songs.

There's no songs. Well,
there's one song for London,

but we should have a song
'cause there's American
songs like...

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
New York.

Chicago, Chicago.

San Francisco,
we're at the sea.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You know.

But we should have one
that reflects, I think,
London vibrancy

and London fuck-off-ness.

And...

♪ London, London
Why don't you all fuck off? ♪

♪ But come spend your money
Come around
And spend your money ♪

♪ Have a good time
Then fuck off
Then they come back ♪

♪ On Tuesday at 3:30 ♪

♪ 'Cause we need some cash
Just then ♪

♪ Then fuck off
Come back ♪

♪ Fuck off
Come back ♪

♪ Fuck off
Come back ♪

I think that's...

That is the CD that's
on sale in my trousers.

[CHUCKLES]

It's a standard beginning
of any show.

All the way up
Shaftesbury Avenue,

except for every other theatre.

So... [VOCALIZING]

Tonight, tonight...

I thought I'd talk about
everything that's ever
happened in the world.

And the critics... I said this.
Critics said, "No, you're not."

Of course, I'm not.

And then they said,
"All right."

And I said, "Why the fuck
did you say no?"

And they went,
"Because we're critics."

And then we all met
in a dark alleyway
and we slapped each other.

Um, but, no, 'cause you people,
you people here tonight,

you are the thinking people.
You have to be,
if you're going to theatres,

if you're going into
these kind of...
Bill Bailey,

most of the theatres.
The musicals
are slightly different.

it's not that
they're not thinking,
but they're more...

♪ Yeah, there's chickens
On the... ♪

♪ Throw them a rope ♪

♪ Bring them a banjo
They'll live forever ♪

♪ As chickens
With banjos and ropes ♪

You know? And people will go,

"Yeah, I love that one.
Whatever they are
talking about."

And they all get married
and have sex in trees.

And then it's more
of a visceral ride,

emotional ride, something,
but this...

You have to be thinkers.
You have to be thinkers
out of the box.

Or at least lid thinkers
to come here.

I think you have to be
lid thinkers.

You could have been dragged.
You might be an in-the-box
thinker going,

"Oh, my God,
what's he talking about?
What's all this?"

But, yes,
out of the box thinkers
who make up stuff like,

"Look, we can put spoons
and they could run space."

And people will say,
"What is that sentence
you said there?"

Okay, the sentence
didn't make sense.
"We could put spoons..."

We can have spoons!
And they could say,
"I don't know, I am the box."

And then there's
the lid thinkers saying,
"Well, we can see, Jeff.

"He's out of the box,
and it's an interesting idea.

"Maybe we'll join him.
Maybe we'll stay here."

And there's
in-the-box thinkers going,
"I've got a ladder.

"But I see the out
of the box thinkers."

Anyway...

So, tonight we'll talk
with the use of Wikipedia,

which has taught me
so many things
that I didn't know.

And neither did you.

Wikipedia has pages
on everything.

There was one thing I looked up
but I couldn't find.

But I can't remember
what it is.
Probably doesn't matter.

Everything is in Wikipedia,

run by Mr. and Mrs. Wikipedia,
who live in a toilet somewhere.

They have no money.

You know, this is an image
I have with...
They do everything with torches.

Old fashioned...
[MIMICKING FLAME ROARING]

...torches which are only
used in treasure films now.

"Treasure's down here, sir."
[MIMICKING FLAME ROARING]
"You need one of these."

Oh, yeah.
[MIMICKING FLAME ROARING]

There's always
about 12 of them.

"One for you. For the kids.
One for your wife.

"Who's that? It's Patrick.
Do you want one?"

[MIMICKING FLAME ROARING]
"That's a Zoom ice lolly."

The Zoom ice lolly, the closest
we, in the United Kingdom,
have got to the Moon.

I remember licking
the Zoom ice lollies,

all three colors thinking,
"We're almost there, boys.
We're almost at the Moon."

But no, we were almost
at the ice lollies stage
of the Moon landing.

And we would finish the...
Are they still on sale?

-Can you still get a Zoom?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Ah, you see,
it's still wishful thinkment.

Wishful thinkment?
Wishful thinkment.

Wishful fulfilment?
Wishful thinking.

Wishful thinking
and wishful fulfillment
is wishful thinkment.

If combined.

It was good, wasn't it?
Ah, the '70's...

from an ice lolly perspective.
[LAUGHS]

Yes. Yes.

So, the Wikipedia people...
And it's stuff on everything.

And you used to have arguments.
How to make spoons, Jim?

Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two people.
How'd you make 'em?

And if no one knew, you'd go,
"Ah, fuck it."

And you wouldn't go
"I'll join a library.

"I'll join a library
and I'll get a library card
after six months.

"And then I look up spoons."

Nah, you wouldn't.
You would just...

You'd just give up then.
But now we've got Wikipedia.

We look up spoons
and you probably get bored
within three lines.

Have you noticed, you go,
"Spoons are just made
from just spoons"?

Within three lines,
you're going,

"Helicopters! Helicopters!
Took over the world."

"Chickens. Chickens
drive helicopters..."
[MUMBLING]

"Alligators."

And you could just keep going
until you get to one.

You click on it and it says,
"There is no page
for this person."

And you think,
"Why did you put them in blue?"

Don't put them in blue
and have no page.

Just don't put them in blue.
We have been trained
like Pavlov and his dogs.

Pavlov would train his dogs.

-[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
-Yes.

Still applause for Mr. Pavlov.
What a scientist!

♪ What a scientist
What a guy

[MIMICKING BELL DINGING]

♪ Make a Pavlova
With only paws ♪

"That's a bit of crap."
"We've got no thumbs."

Cake mix, when I was a kid,
was a brilliant thing.

You'd make a cake for your mom
and take the big wooden
spoon and la-la-la.

And then you put that thing
all in the bowl

and they said you could lick
the spoon and you went, "Ah!"

[MUFFLED] "Oh, my God!
"This was fantastic!

"Oh, wow!
What are we doing with that?
"This is good. This is ready."

And then they'd take that.
They'd put it in an oven

and it would come
out less good.

It was... Wasn't it?
It's not just me.

It was genius before I went in
and it came out "eh".
You know, fine.

But you have to put
more stuff on it to make it
back to this stuff.

Just don't put it in.

And then when I was a student,
I was sitting there.

Well, that was after
I was a student.

I was unemployed
for an entire year.

And I lived in Islington
and I watched telly
for a year.

Literally. Really. Seriously.

And I got encyclopedic
on the Australian
daytime soap operas.

And I was watching
The Sullivans,
which would come on

about a family where,
"We're going to go
to war soon".

And that's all I remember.

And they got on well,
lots of fighting.

And, uh, I thought
I'll make some of this

because it's really cheap.
I was estimating, margarine,
sugar... [MUMBLING]

And then I just made
the whole bowl and sat there
watching The Sullivans, eating.

And I died.
I actually...

They had to pump me,
you know.

Cake was coming out my ears.
It makes a cake.

Once it's in there,
the juices make a cake.

You're going, "Can you...

"Can you get--
There's cake
comin' out my ears."

So, that's how I remember it.

I phoned the police
using the old phone.
[MIMICKING DIALING]

Which used to take for hours.

Why did they put 999
right at the end of the dial?

"Our emergency service is 999."

"He's dying!"
"I'm on the phone!"

[MIMICKING DIALING]

"His leg's come off."
"I'm doin' it.

"I can't remember how many
I've done now."

[MIMICKING LINE DISCONNECTING]

[MIMICKING DIALING]

Why not 111?

What bright spark
didn't go to 111?

[MIMICKING RAPID DIALING]

"Come, come now."
"Okay, cool.

"He's saved." "Yay."

[HUMMING CHEERFULLY]

So, Wikipedia. Yes.

On the very sexy computers,
like the Macintosh Computer.

I have an Apple
Macintosh computer.

Very sort of touchy,
sexy, feely.

And you open it up

and in the old days,
porn would take
forever to download.

Do you remember that?
Friends tell me.

Friends who can spell porn.

Well, it was that picture
would come...
[MIMICKING WHIRRING]

You go, "What this?
this is cat porn.
This is a picture of a cat."

The picture is a picture
of a cat.

[MIMICKING WHIRRING]

But nowadays, you're just
tip tapping away
and the little box comes up.

"Would you like
a software update?"

Ad you go, "Yeah!

"Yeah, I'll have one of those."
It's like a latte thing.

"Yeah, why not?"

And then time
becomes a different thing.

Time becomes weird
as it downloads.

Five minutes to download.
Four minutes to download.

Three minutes to download.

Nine minutes to download.
Two minutes to download.

Seven hours to download.
Six seconds to download.
A light year to download.

And then
it starts asking questions

like, uh, "Will you sign
a new agreement
with iTunes?"

And I've signed many agreements
with iTunes.

I don't know what they want
from me anymore.

Surely they know
I agree with them.

I'm there, you know.

What do they keep checking
like I'm going to go away?

No, I no longer agree with you.

We all agree.

And they've made us liars.
You can't say to children,
"Don't lie."

"Well, you said you've read
the terms and conditions."

No one...

has read
the terms and conditions.
No one in the world.

No one. Even the lawyers
who wrote it,
wrote it like this...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

It could say
anything in there.

"We'll take your buttocks
and sell them to Chinese."

Yes.

"Set fires to your hedges."
Why not?

"Put your knee in a sling."
Yeah, give me...

'Cause you're in "go"
fever at that point.

Come on, give me something.

Because it could be
that one update,

that one update that will make
your life complete.

You know,
like the Willy Wonka
golden chocolate thingy

with the...

"Update? 'Yes. And then
sex with everyone

and free chickens for life.

Whether they want
to come or not.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But then, it downloads
and then you have to do
a reboot thing,

which is basically getting
ready to go to the seaside

with your bucket
and spade, the engine on,

and your dad says
"Come on,
everyone out of the car!"

What?

Where we going?
Where we going?
Where we going?

"Everyone back in the car.
Back in the car!"
We're just going...

[MIMICKING ENGINE REVVING]

[SOFTLY] What the fuck
was that?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, yes, and then you update
the whole thing
and nothing has changed.

Which is a bit weird
and annoying.

If you have a PC computer,
I think it's a similar thing.

You press the on button
and then there's a crank.

You have to crank it...

and then they get contact
and they spin the propeller,
and you get in...

[MIMICKING PROPELLER REVVING]

Come on, the PC's going.
[MIMICKING PROPELLER REVVING]

And then you
put on a 78 record.

[MIMICKING MUSIC NOTE]

Move the horn around.

[MIMICKING MUSIC PLAYING]

Caruso sings the update.

♪ Your PC's updated ♪

I've worked at an opera.
It's just being...

You either learn opera
or you can just get
a microphone and go...

[MIMICKING OPERA MUSIC]

I don't know what
I'm talking about.

It's rich people
watching large people
being shaken by small people.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[VOCALIZING]

And also the words
should not be clear.
If he says...

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
I am going to go to the toilet.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
That's not opera.

Opera is...
♪ I'm going to the toilet

♪ And I never
Had a bath in there
Give him his marching papers

♪ Send them to the chemist
For tea tree oil ♪

If you got that.

And the women's sing crazy.
They're so high.

[VOCALIZES IN
HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

It's like cats outside
your window.

[VOCALIZES IN
HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

[MIMICKING THUD] Ah!

I'm not a cat.
Fucking hell.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE]
♪ Tea tree oil ♪

[IN LOW-PITCHED TONE]
♪ Go get some tea tree oil
From the cabinet ♪

[VOCALIZES IN
HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

-It's bloody tiring this way.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But there are some songs
which are faster.

[FAST-PACED VOCALIZING]

♪ Figaro, Figaro, Figaro
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro ♪

What the fuck did he do?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Did he eat something?
He's got a bad leg?

I know his first name,
continue.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Figaro, Figaro, Figaro
Stevens

♪ Went to the pub
Went to the pub
Went to the pub

♪ Figaro Steven went to the pub
Went to the pub

♪ And read
The French newspaper ♪

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, yes. So, I've learnt
that the world
is 4,500 million years old.

If your very religious,
then it's not
4,500 million years old.

It's 6,000 years old.
One of these is not correct.

Using simple logic here.

Now the science boys,
they got anoraks,
they got glasses.

They got Bunsen burners
and petri dishes.

I've gotta go with them
because they can bend glass,

and if they heat it up,
you know.

And sodium chloride
and potassium permanganate
makes potassium pomongadonkey.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What was the one that was...
[MIMICKING EXPLOSION]

Was that one.
And all that stuff that we did.

And then, if you're religious,
the religious boys,
they've got a book.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-And...
-[ALL CHEERING, WHISTLING]

Some really interesting
stuff in there,
good stories in the book.

I mean, I think a lot
of the people in there are true.

I think it's oral history.
It's been...

Stuff in there's true
and there's slavery in there.

Hmm.

Maybe crime
against humanity there.

In a good, moral book.

Uh, maybe it shouldn't be in.
Maybe the editor should
have put a line through

"How to sell your daughter."

Don't you think one of
the popes would have thought,
"We could... Could we?

"You know, we're dumping
a lot of these books.

"Couldn't we just cross out
the slavery bit and pretend
it never happened?"

They left it in.
Till now, it's still there.

It makes me think
there isn't a God.
You know, I...

'Cause I used to be an agnostic
and now I'm an atheist.

Uh, I'm all for spirituality
and I think there's a lot
of religious people

who've got a certain something.

And I believe in us.
I don't believe in God.
I believe in us, human beings.

-[AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS]
-But if God was there...
Thank you, one person.

If God was there,
I think the first line
of the Bible should be,

-"It's round."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Looks flat, but it's round.
Yeah, it spins.

"It's like a big football.
Oh, it's very complicated.

"Imagine you're an ant
on a football

"and you're spinning,
but you can't feel it.

"Shit, shit, shit.

"Sorry about the slavery.
Couldn't get the staff.
They seemed to like it.

"Shit. All right,
forget this bit. Right.

"In the beginning
was the Word."

Don't you think...

If there was a God,
don't you think he would have
flicked Hitler's head off?

-[ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING]
-Don't you think?

You know.

"Oh, I'm not allowed
to do anything."
"Well, fuck off then."

If you're not allowed
to do anything,
then what's the use?

Just piss off, and stop asking
us to mumble things on Sundays.

"Please, could you possibly
mumble positive things
towards me on a Sunday

"in the coldest buildings
you can find?

"Please, get some
of your senior citizens
to wear cakes on their heads.

"And to mumble ridiculously
positive things about me."

No. He should have just flicked
Hitler's head off.

Hitler would have been going,
"I will kill them.
I will tank them.

"I will tear them apart.
I will bomb them.
I will kill them."

That's a hint.
You know, for a bit of
intervention, isn't it?

And then he'd just give him a...
[MIMICKING THUDDING]

And the Nazis would be going...
[EXCLAIMING]

[LAUGHING] "What other
leader can do that?

"Shit. That's not supposed
to happen, is it?

"Okay.

"Let's just go.

"Let's just go."

And somebody...
It might have happened
while someone,

some other Nazi, was
in the toilet coming out,
"What happened, what happened?

"I heard. I heard a big shout.

"Oh, look!

"How did you do that?

"Wow, he really is the leader."

Oh.

"Do you want to come back
to my place?
We'll have coffee."

Could have been the end,
but, no, he didn't do it.

So, yes, 4,500 million
years ago, I do believe
our Earth started

with a "place your bets"
type of spinning thing.

And then we turn up,
human beings,
five million years ago.

"Why the big pause,"
as the man in the pub
said to the bear.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

"Or why the long pause",
as the man in the pub
said to the bear.

The bear said,
"I got it stuck
in a lift door."

I'm not telling jokes.
I'm just fucking around
with the idea.

It's the pause
I'm interested in.

'Cause it is a big one.
Have you noticed?

Four thousand five hundred
million years

minus five million years
is 4,495 million years
of nothing.

Well, there was stuff.
There was...
[MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES]

I thought dinosaurs ruled
the world all that period,
but no.

They were around
for 200 million years.

So, we've been five,
they've been 200.

And they weren't even ruling
because if they were ruling,
on the Steven Spielberg movies,

we'd see the dinosaurs
were going...
[MIMICKING ROARING]

"You can go away.

"You can stay.
And you, I like you.
And you, I can smell.

"You smell of sandwiches.

"You can come,
'cause I... Rumpy-pumpy.

"And let's eat him."

That would be dinosaurs
ruling the Earth,

but I noticed from the films
that they seem to just get up
in the morning and go...

[ROARING]

With a look of, not bright
as a button, you know.

A few sandwiches
short of a picnic.

And they just go around eating
and pooing each other all day,
for 200 million years!

Come on, that's not a God
making that.

If God did that,
his children would be crazy.

And I think if he did exist,
he had many children.
I think Jesus proves this.

Jesus must be the seventh
son of God.

A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus,
E-sus, F-sus, G-sus.

-That's just logic.
-[ALL APPLAUDING]

That's just mathematical.

And T-sus would
always be fucking about.

P-sus does deliveries.

C-sus started
the Roman Empire. C-sus.

F-sus. City in Turkey.

B-sus was covered
in something.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Some people applauding there,
other people going, "What?"

B-sus was covered in bees.

But, yeah. Dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs, just
wandering around.

No dinosaur poetry.
Not clever. They weren't going,

"I wandered lonely as a cloud
over hill and vale...

"And I saw a small...
And ate him.

"And then I ate...
And then I pooed him out.
And that was nice.

"What a day."

They didn't go to church.
No dinosaur churches.

Very few dinosaur vicars going,
"Welcome...

"Thank you very much.

"Hello. Hey.

"Excuse me.

"Welcome to today's service.
We will now sing Hymn 409,

"All Things
Bright and Beautiful."

♪ All things
Bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures
Great and small

[GROWLS]

♪ All things
Wise and wonderful

♪ They don't live on the planet
At the moment ♪

That scene did not happen.

Yeah, so not clever.

I think most of the dinosaurs
were not clever from
what I can tell.

The raptors do seem
quite clever.
Smaller, about our size.

They seem to be able to break
into rooms.

Work locks, do computer stuff,
download raptor porn.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[EXCLAIMING]

And then run away and not pay.

They could almost pass for us.
You put a little porkpie hat
on a raptor,

and it almost looks
like a human being.

"Is this your car, sir?"
"No."

"Do you realize how fast
you were going?"
[CHUCKLING]

"I was very busy."

"You were going a million
miles an hour."
"Oh, really?

"Is that over the...
over the thing?"

"Yes. The limit is 30 miles
an hour."

"Oh? That's... awful.
I was very busy."

"Well, can you show me
your documents?"

[MUMBLING]

"Good afternoon. I can't..."

[SCREAMS] "It's a raptor!
Get me a dustbin lid!

"It's a fucking raptor!
Run! Run!

"No, stay, chase him,
something."

The raptors.
And then we turn up.

The human beings
of this world, we turn up
five million years ago.

And that, I think, is the point
where we started to walk erect.

And I think it must have been
a gradual period.

I don't think we could have
just gone...

[EXHALING SHARPLY]
"Oh, this is better.

"I don't know why we didn't
do this a long time ago.

"Steve. Jeffrey.
Come on, try this.

"I can see clearly now.
The rain has gone.

"I can see all lobsters
in my way."

It really gets interesting
around tool time.

Tool time is... Stone Age.
That's when it kicks off.
Stone Age.

Before the Stone Age,
no stones, no tools.
Hunting was bizarre.

"Come on, there's a bison!
Come on, lads!

-"Will you die, sir?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Die, I tell you!
You're in our territory!

"I peed and pooed
all round here.

"I marked my territory
quite clearly."

[MIMICKING SLAPPING]

[EXCLAIMING]

"Will you die, sir?
Could you possibly?

"You could feed a family
for nine years."
[MIMICKING SLAPPING]

"Don't you look at me
with those big eyes.
Those big cow eyes."

[MIMICKING SLAPPING]

"This could take hours!"
[MIMICKING SLAPPING]

"Buggering hell!
Come on, where are you?

"How can you be late?
It's the Stone Age!

There's nothing to be late
in the Stone Age for.
Bastards."

[MIMICKING THUDDING]

"Oh. That is much better."

[ALL LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

"Did you see that?
Did you see that?"

The others come running up.

"I picked up a stone.
I hit the bison.

"He's just... He's gone.
He's dead."

"This is brilliant, Jeff.

"This could be the beginning
of an age."

"Will, that's what
I was thinking.

"Provisionally,
I've entitled it,

"The Age of Big Things
Falling Over

"'Cause They're Hit
by Small Things
of a Much Denser Material."

"No. Just Stone Age."
"Stone Age! Yes.

"You were always better than
me at that, weren't you?
Weren't you, Siegfried?"

We're not sure of the names.
So the Stone Age began.

There were hitting tools,
there were cutting tools.

You could cut the skin off
an animal that no longer
needed it.

[MIMICKING TEARING]
"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, no problem."

"That's very good of you."

[CONTINUES MIMICKING TEARING]

"Thank you so much.

"Hang on. Stuff.

"I'm king. I'm king here now.

"I'm king..."
[MIMICKING FLY BUZZING]
"I'm king of this area.

"I wear the cloak..."
[MIMICKING FLY BUZZING]

"The cloak, the cloak.
Shut up!"

"I think you're supposed
to hang it up until it dries.
Otherwise, flies."

"Shut up, Twiggy.

"I'm king of the flies."
"You know, this is almost
a book."

"If your name wasn't Twiggy,
but Leonard."

Language was developed
100,000 years ago.
Before that, no language.

Before that, also, no religion.
You can't have religion
by grunting it.

It just... You can't get
moral ideas out by going...
[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLING] "I suppose so."

[GRUNTING]

"Ha-ha, I don't know
what you're..."

The Ten Commandments in grunt.

One... [GRUNTING]

Two... [VOCALIZING]

No. Three... The rabbit.

Four. You get a bag,
and you put it...

And then you take it
and put it in the toilet.

'Cause it's... No...

Five. You got a thing.
I don't know...

My mother...

Okay. Forget five. Six...

Never eat shit.

"I have no idea
what you're talking about."

We're pretty sure that
was the first identifiable
line of language.

"I have no idea
what you're talking about."

One thing was huge
before language
and that was Scrabble.

'Cause Scrabble,
after language,
it became about words.

Before language, it was just,
"Put the letters down."

There were no rules.
Everyone was a winner.
K, T... FUNGTABL-SKLINGDUNG.

"Seventy-six."

ASTINGBOXISCRANKEZANGGA.

"That's 105.
It's a triple word."

"Dang."

Scrabble was invented by Nazis
to piss off kids with dyslexia.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is true.
They proved this one.

The word "dyslexia"
was invented by Nazis
to piss off kids with dyslexia.

What's the point of coming up
with a word like "dyslexia"

to explain a word-blindness
spelling problem.

"They have a problem
with the words.
It is a difficult thing.

We've called this problem..."
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

"Car 22, pickup..."
[MIMICKING RADIO INTERFERENCE]

"It has 17 silent letters
and the face of a rat in it."

Just call it "bonk."

They suffer from bonk.

They have a word-blindness.
We call it bonk.

"Excuse me, Miss,
I've got bonk."

"All right. All right,
just chew something
at the corner of the class."

"All right."

I would have preferred that
to sitting there and spelling
"color" with a "K."

I did fantastic I-Spy.
It was brilliant for I-Spy.

I-Spy with an "S"
for "ceiling."
It went on for hours.

Till my brother
was throttling me.

"S." Ceiling.

"Ceiling's not with an 'S.'"

"Of course it is!"

So we were hunter-gatherers.
We were killers.

We were killers
only 2,000 years ago.

Hunter-gatherers.
Hardwired into our brains.

And I think our journey...
I don't think there's
any reason why we're here.

You know, the meaning of life?
I don't think there is one.

I think we're just
accidentally here.

I think it's that random, kids,
'cause that would explain
the so many millions out there

and people talk about the Earth
being in the Goldilocks place,

where we're not too close
to the Sun, not too far away.

I think it's just now.
'Cause there are probably
other people out there.

But while we're here,
we may as well do civilization.
Just be civil to one another.

'Cause we got
the killer thing in.

And, you know, assassins,
they took drugs.

Maybe as a reward

or maybe to make them
just jump over the idea of
going out and killing people.

And there was hashish.
That's where
the word comes from.

They were hash-ashins.

-[ALL LAUGHING]
-No, it's true.

No, they sound silly.
They were hash-ashins.
Read it. It's on Wikipedia.

You can look it up
on your iPhones
while I'm talking to you.

It's true. I've done it.
It's there and
they were talking about,

they would give
'em hashish and say...

[IN COMICAL VOICE]
"You are hash-ashins now.
Help yourself to hashish

"and then we'll go
do hash-ashinations."

[INHALES]
"He's off his rocker,
isn't he?"

'Cause I do think that hashish
is one of the worst...

It's the wrong drug to give
to people who are gonna
go out and do something.

Unless you say,

"We're going to take over
a Mars Bar factory," then...

"Yeah! Come on!"

There was an empowerment there.

"We're all going to go
and dive into bags of sugar."

"Yes! Yes, of course!"

But apart from that,
organized hash-ashinations
is just crazy.

You get there,
"What? What?" [INHALES]
"Hold this, hold this.

"Get behind the hedge.
Get behind the..."

[SOFTLY] "Oh, God."

[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Bing-bong!

[CHUCKLES] "He's not...
Oh, he is here.

"Uh, I'm sorry about this.

"We just... We're hash-ashins.

"No, we're hash-ashins.

"Uh..." [SOFTLY]
"We gotta kill you.

"We're supposed to kill you.
Do you have a Kit Kat?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

"lf you got a Kit Kat,
that's like a Get Out
of Jail Free card.

"You have? He's got...
Have you got three?

"You've got four.
He's got a four-bar one.

"Come on. All right,
all right, all right."

[SHUSHES]
"Close the door. Fuck off.

"We should do this everywhere.
Get Kit Kats."

Ding-dong.
"Got a Kit Kat?

Or just a Cat Kit?

"Like a Meccano cat...
Ah, forget it."

Then the guy gets on the roof
with a briefcase.

[LOUDLY] "l am in position..."

[SHUSHES]

[SOFTLY] "Sorry. I am
in position on the roof
with the briefcase.

"All right, all right.
Yeah. I will asse...
I'll assemble it. All right."

[MIMICKING ASSEMBLING RIFLE]

"What the fuck is this?

"Attach Part A to Part B...
Part C..." [MUMBLES]

"Apply transfers
to model aircraft...

"These are wrong instructions."

[MIMICKING ELEVATOR GOING UP]

"What? Yeah, no, I'm here.
I'm here. I'm here.

"Um, I haven't..."
[HESITATES]
"I haven't got a gun.

-"I have got a vacuum cleaner."
-[ALL LAUGHING]

"Yeah. Well, it's in
a similar briefcase.

"lt just looks so...
I know. I know.

"I know what you said. I know.

"Don't bring
the vacuum cleaner.

"But... it's a Dyson Slimline.

"It's really lightweight.
It's orange.

"The ball type.

"Goes around corners
really well."

[SIGHS] "All right, all right.
I'll pack up here.

"Shall I hoover up before I go?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

"All right. All right.
I know, I know. Look.
I'll throw it at him.

"How about I throw it at him?

"No, it's not very accurate,
but it has a fantastic
element of surprise."

[ALL LAUGHING]

And we now,
I think, in modern days,

maybe we have more of a sense,
more of an empathy with people.

We can see horrors going on.
We saw the tsunami.

We saw the thing in Mumbai.
We've seen... films.

Maybe it's not visceral,
but you can...

You get a very good visual
sense of what has
gone on in the past.

Back in the Battle
of Hastings time,

you didn't have a clue
what happened in the battle.

You were either in that battle
or you just fucking forget it.

Or you watch a tapestry.

The Bayeux Tapestry
tells you in panels
what's going on, but...

You know, it's weavers.
Weavers were
the war correspondents.

Weavers were the
photojournalists
of the day, going,

"Come on! Come on!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Oh, my God! look at that!

"Get that down, Kelly.
Put that here!

"What are they doing? Oh, God.
Keep moving! Keep moving!

"Don't look at the weavers.
Just move on.

"Do some weird haircuts
for the boys, all right?

"Give 'em a bit of
a laugh, eh?" [LAUGHS]

"Willie! Big Willie. Hey.

"Do it. Give him a wave.
Hey, Big Willie! Good luck.

"That's the Duke of Normandy,
the Bastard.

"Come on, win, you bastards!

"Shoot someone in the eye.
We've already done that panel.

"I've sewn this to my leg.
ls that a problem?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

The, um... The paparazzi.
They were paparazzi.

Very early paparazzi, going,

"All right. Anne Boleyn,
Anne Boleyn.
How's it going, love, eh?

"Just hang on a sec, love.
Trying to get you
down all right.

"You don't want to look
like a weirdo, do you?

"I'll do three noses
if you're not careful.

"Just slow down, baby.
Push your breasts up a bit.

"ls your sister with you?
We'll do a double panel.
All right.

"All right, good luck.
You gonna marry Henry?

"All right, keep your hair on.

"I've sewn this
to my leg as well.
ls that a problem?"

So, we were hunter-gatherers.
We hunted and gathered.

I would've elected to be...
I would've chosen
to be a hunter.

lt seems more fun.

lt seems more dangerous
and more... [GROWLS]

You put face paint
on your thing.
It's makeup.

It's almost me,
action transvestite.

That's what
hunter-gatherers were.

We see it with
the Native Americans.
We're there.

The gathering...
The gathering
seems slightly more,

"One... 12... 13...

"12... 13... 12...

"How many you got?"
"I've got seven. I give up."

"I've lost the will to live."

"We've only got 19 berries.
They're gonna kill us."

Suddenly the hunters return.

"We're hunters.
We have returned
with stuff on our faces,

"having killed bison
and buffalo
and beavers and badgers

"and balloons, which was weird.

"They went pop!

"We killed mainly
'B' animals today.

"Tomorrow, we will kill cats
and chinchillas and crocodiles.

"Then dogs and dingoes.
Then elephants and eels.

"And then fungus.

"That'll be a long day.

"How many berries
do you have for us?"

"A total of 19, sir."

"That's a bit of crap."

"Seven hours for 19 berries?
That's two-point...

"That's something
an hour, isn't it?

"Never mind.
Put 'em all together
and make a smoothie."

[SLURPING] "Ah...
Needs a bit of Turkish yogurt.

"Oh, they haven't invaded yet."

So, it was the hunter.
And we all looked pretty good.

That was the one upside of
the Stone Age period.

We looked
fucking fantastic, man.

"Come on! Let's go hunting
just in underwear. Come on!

"Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers,
two people, come on.

"We look brilliant.
ln fact, hold me
over a pond, will you?

"I want to see
what I look like."

The only way you could look
at yourself in the old days.

Everyone looked
a little bit hangy-downy.

"l look a bit hangy-downy."

So, that was it.
Ten thousand years ago,
the ice went away, going,

"Bye! Bye! Good luck
with civilization.
lnvent fridges."

And off they went.

And that is when
the hunter-gatherer period
moved into

the agrarian period. Farming.

Farming is a step up
in civilization.
More cultivated.

Groups and communities
can grow.

But it's a step down
in sexiness.
There are no farming films.

No farming!
"Bruce Willis in Farming."

"Farming lll."
[HUMMING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[IN DRAMATIC VOICE]
"He was just a farmer.
Someone stole his beans."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
"You fucking stole
my beans, MacGruder!

"I'll chase you on my yak!"
[HUMMING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

"You'll never catch me.
I have a yak, too."
[HUMMING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

"It's on Top Yak."
One of the best yaks
in the world."

Not exciting films.

"Look, the grass is growing."
[HUMMING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

And that's why
farmers keep animals.

To make it more rock 'n' roll.
More exciting.

Most of the animals they keep,
by choice, are noisy animals.

Cows go "moo"
and sheep go "baa"

and dogs go "woof"
and cats go "woof"
and pigs go "woof"

and horses go... [NEIGHS]

And donkeys go... [BRAYS]

And pigs go "onk."

No. "Woof" or "crack."
No, they don't go "crack."

Maybe they take crack.
I'm not sure.

Jury's still out
on that one.

Uh, ducks, geese,
all noisy bastards.
They keep no snails.

No badgers, no stoats,

no weasels, no... rabbits.

All very quiet.

Gazelles make no noise
except for this noise...

[IMITATES SPEEDING CAR]

Because they leap.
You couldn't farm
gazelles, could you?

You'd have to keep
'em in a bag.

"You want a gazelle, mate?"

"Uh, yeah, all right."
[BLOWING AIR]

"That's not a gazelle,
that's an eel."

"Shit. Got the wrong bag."

[CHUCKLES] "Here you go."

[IMITATES SPEEDING CAR]
"Oh, it's gone."

They have wings, you see.
ln the early days.
You can tell by...

Giraffes. Giraffes have
no safety noise.
They don't have a signal.

Like chickens have
a safety noise,
which is... [CLUCKING]

Unless you wedge
a trumpet on their face.

And then it's...
[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

And you could train
a chicken to do jazz.

Which I would encourage
all farmers to do.

Then the farmer's
wife will say,
"What the hell is that?"

"That's my jazz chicken."

[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

"But how does
he make an embouchure?"
"He has a beak."

"I wedged a mango in there."

"Oh, you've box clever there."

[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

And he wouldn't actually
wake you up, would he?

It'd be like a permanent
snooze button.

"And now it's 6:00 a.m.
and jazz chicken."

[MIMICKING SMOOTH JAZZ TRUMPET]

Twelve noon
and people are going,

"Milk me, motherfucker,
milk me. Get this
milk out of me.

"Someone plug in,
for God's sake.

"I've gotta rub myself
against a tree.
Get rid of this..."

We don't know how...

How did feral cows milk
themselves in the old
days before farming?

There must've been feral...
Wild cows in the old days.

Cows who were crazy. Wild!

[INHALES AND HUMS]

"Fuck you, buddy." [HUMS]

Cows who would drive
through the streets in cars.

"ls this your car, sir?"
"Moo."

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

"Do you realize how fast
you were going?"
"Moo.

"Yeah."

"ls this your friend?"

[CHUCKLING] "Yeah."

"Moo."

[MIMICS RADIO CLICK
AND MUMBLES]
"Sarge, I think

"there's a raptor
and a cow in a car."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Get everything here."

"What do you mean everything?"

[HOARSELY]
"I mean everything!"

As Gary would say. [CHUCKLES]

"Moo."

"Do you realize how fast
you were going?"
"Moo."

"You were doing
three miles an hour."
"Moo."

[MIMICKING SPEEDING CAR]

He's going faster now.

But, uh, giraffes
have no emergency sound.

lf a giraffe sees
a tiger in Africa,

it would have alarm
and surprise as two
of its main emotions.

Two of the emotions
of the Spanish Inquisition.

Fear. Well, fear and surprise.

Fear because,
"Oh! It's a tiger."

And surprise
because it's a tiger

and there aren't any in Africa.

So, what's it doing there?

ls it on holiday?

Um, have they
come over with pirates

through the Gulf of Aden?
My hometown.

So, yeah.

And it would turn to
its friends and say nothing.

It has no...
[MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES]

Nothing.

It should hire a jazz chicken
to sit on its back and go...

[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

Or the jazz chicken could go...

[MIMICKING FLIGHT
OF THE BUMBLEBEE]

-[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
-It could do that.

And then it'll go,
"There are bees coming!"

"Not bees!"

lt has no way of saying tiger.

But they can cough.
lf you look in Wikipedia,
they can cough.

And so that's
what they must use.

A very British method
of pointing out
alarming things.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CLEARING THROAT]

[COUGHS]

[MUTTERS]
"There's a tiger over there."

[COUGHING] "Tiger.
Tiger over there.

"There's a fucking,
great, big tiger.
Tiger at four o'clock."

[MUMBLING] "Film. Two syllables.

"First syllable. Sounds like...

"No, first syllable.
First syllable."

"Tie? Tie?"

"Second syllable,
sounds like..."

[SOFT GROWL]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SOFT GROWL]

[SOFT GROWL]

"Tiger.

"Tiger? Tiger."

[INAUDIBLE SCREAMING]

-[INAUDIBLE]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING]

[IMITATES CAR SPEEDING]

And then they do go.
You see them go.

[SOFTLY]
"Get the fuck out of..."

And where do they go to?

-[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
-Well...

Where do they go to?
The giraffes who run.

Well, they're taller
than Africa,
that savannah bit.

They're so tall, they must
hide behind giraffes,
that's what I've worked out.

One giraffe is here
and the other giraffes
just lying out.

"Just stay in line.
Back a bit, back a bit...

"Forward, forward a bit.
Back a bit..."

And the giraffe pretends,
at this point,

he pretends to be
the Eiffel Tower.

[INHALES, SPEAKS FRENCH]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH]

[IN ENGLISH]
♪ Boom, fish and chicken... ♪

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

[IN ENGLISH]
The tiger's walking around
going, "Where are we?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"We were in Asia, then Africa,
now we're in France."

[SIGHS] "I can't stand this.
Give me the iPhone."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Noah, he knew about animals.
Oh, yes, he did.

And... he's mentioned
in the Bible,

which I think
are oral histories.
I think it did happen.

There was a flood...
There's flood stories
mentioned in the Bible,

mentioned outside the Bible.

We saw the tsunami,
we know they happen.

Now the big point is,
did God tell him to make a boat

or did Noah just use
his Captain Common Sense?

'Cause a number of us,
if we were somewhere

where it was raining
and raining and raining
and raining and raining...

and we had
a big pile of wood,

some of us might put
two and two together and go,

"I'm gonna make
a bloody boat."

Others might go, "I'm gonna
make a hairdresser's."

"I'm gonna build
a monkey emporium."

"I'm gonna build a big set
of wooden shoes...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...that would fit a giant."

[CHUCKLES] But he made a boat.
Oh, he was quite sensible.

And what did he put
on the boat? His family.

What else? Animals.
Which animals?
Any he could find.

Did he put two of every animal
in the world on the boat?

No! How could I be so sure?

Try it.

Just try it.
It's impossible.

And there is such a word
as "impossible."

You can't...
It is impossible to eat
the Himalayas.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know,
"No such word as 'can't'."

Well, try eating
the bloody Himalayas.

"Oh, I've got full
after about two mountains,
you know."

You're not gonna
get through that.

So he was there,
and he built this boat.

And just trying to get
everything on there
would be a nightmare.

And it had to be everything.
From two dung beetles

up to two giant squid.
All of them.

All the fish had to be there
because we know they were bad,

some of them.
Sharks are bad, you know?

Very few good sharks.

Very few sharks say,
"We've found a child."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"He was swimming about
having a bad time.

"We were going to eat him,
but we thought it is not
our way anymore.

"Since the Geneva Convention
on sharks,

"and the agreement that
sharks made with humans.

"We took his leg
but that is our trade.

-"We call him Stumpy..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Or Thumper. I think
his name is Kenneth."

So Noah would
be there, saying,

"All right, Margaret,
just stuff them
all over the boat.

"Lash one giant squid
to the roof.

"Just do it.
It's raining, Margaret,
it doesn't matter."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Just put them anywhere.
Shove them in cupboards."

A giant squid sticking out
of the cupboards going,
"There's no towels."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Is she there? No towels."

"Giant squid diary, day one.

"Got to the boat.
Everything rather damp.
Must inform TripAdvisor.

"Seem to be running
out of ink."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SMACKS LIPS]

"Met number of animals.
Interesting ones.

"Cat, dog, squirrel, a mouse.
I will eat them later.

"I can't find Horace. I think
he's lashed to the roof."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the whole two by two thing
doesn't work.

Two by two animals.
"All right, here we go.

"Kids, we're gonna get them up
two by two.

"Two... two tigers,
two cats, two dogs,
two fish...

"two rabbits, two squirrels,
two llamas, two blue things...

"two zebras...
How many is that?"

"Uh... so far,
two tigers, Dad."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What do you... Oh, no.

"What happened?"

"It just seemed to...
It became a Wendy's
alI-you-can-eat kind of..."

"Do we have
a psychotherapist on board?

"Because I think...
I need to readjust after that."

It wouldn't work.
Lions and tigers
eat everything.

It's like putting students
on a boat with a load
of cake mix, isn't it?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It would just be
a munching fest.

I've been up close to a lion
and they just do that.

And after 40 days
and 40 nights of rain,

which is 40 days of rain,
isn't it?

The nights are implicit,
for God's sake.

It's a month and a bit of rain.
Don't drag it out.

[MOCKINGLY]
"Forty lunchtimes
and 40 afternoon teas."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just padding out the Bible.

After that period of time,
they'd be there from the Bible,

on the bit of land saying,
"We're here.

"As the ark makes landfall,
what a historic day.

"God's plan has worked.
The ark has made it
with two of everything.

"And here they come, this is
Noah and his family first.

"Trying to get a word in...
Oh, they're rushing away.

"They're probably
meeting some friends,
"late for a dinner appointment.

"And lions and tigers,
there they go.

"Well, they're chasing...
Made friends already,
I suppose.

"No one else at the moment,
must be packing.

"Um... just getting their
things together.

"What a wonderful,
glorious day...

"Oh, here comes...
It's a squirrel,
just running out there.

"Mr. Squirrel, how did it go?"

"Oh, it was a nightmare, man.

"Don't go there.
It was crazy.

"They killed everything.
Those stripy bastards,
they killed everything, man.

"There's nothing there, man.
It's all dead.

"All dead.
It's like a ghost ship.

"I escaped.
I hid in a colander."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

-"Oh, shit."
-"You gotta write that
down in the Bible.

"It was a bad plan, man.
Bad plan. No plan."

-"What happened to your wife?"
-"She got away.

"Got away on a boat
with an owl and a cat."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Did they take anything
with them?"

"Yeah, they took spoons
and a helicopter,
a little toy one.

"And... a Gatling gun."

"An owl and a pussycat
went to sea in a beautiful
pea-green boat.

"They took some spoons,
a helicopter
and a Gatling gun?"

"Yeah... It's not poetry."

So, um... civilization,
that's what we're about.

And while we're here, 'cause
I don't think there's actually
a reason why we're here,

but while we're here
we may as welI try
and be civilized.

Just a little bit British.

Just a little bit getting up
in the morning and saying,
"Hello, how are you?"

Walking on.

Cant' stand the man myself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's a little bit like that.
And the Egyptians and the...

The Egyptians
and the Sumerians,
they started it off.

They started the ball rolling
about 5,000 years ago.

They said,
"Come on, irrigation.
That's a good thing."

And the pharaohs were going,
"I'm 12-years-old,
I could die sometime."

-"But you're very young, sir."
-"Yeah, I could die,

"so I want to die
in a pointy thing."

"All right, we'll make one.
About head height?"

"A mile high."

"Bloody 12-year-olds."

"Come on, lads,
cut some rock."

And it was all kind of sandy,

and they worshipped Ra,
the Sun god, Ra.
They had a song.

♪ Ra, hurrah for Ra
He's up there near the stars

♪ But they're not there
They've gone somewhere else

♪ And he is there
It's up there

♪ It's quite hot, it's hot
It makes all our ground crappy

♪ And that's why
We have irrigation

♪ La, la, la, la
Ra, Ra... ♪

-I'm not sure what the song was.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Something in that area.

And sun worshipping...
The worshipping of the Sun god,

that is the circle
behind Mary's head.

Mary and Baby Je,
you know they got the circle,

and you grew up thinking
that meant they were
very, very good.

Very, very, very good.

Or the Colgate
"ring of confidence,"

-remember that one?
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Actually, it means
sun worshipping.

It was slid in
behind Christianity.

Christianity, "Hello."

'Cause Christians
worship Chris, of course.

-Um...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's what it should be about.

Christmas is when
we remember Chris...

...and how he so brilliantly
landed on that pagan ritual

of being born
on the 25th of December.

What is Christianity?
There was all these
pagan religions,

and then Christianity went...
[IMITATES SQUEEZING]

-"That seems to fit."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-Well, it was.

And all those people...
A lot of churches
are built on pagan sites,

so people turn up
for their pagan rituals,

"Let's go and worship
on the feast of bingo.

"Oh... Where the fuck
did this come from?

"Ooh, it's not bingo anymore.

"It's, uh... Mr. Chris.

"Well, let's worship him then,
shall we?

"Whoever's here,
we'll worship."

So, yeah... [SMACKS LIPS]
So, the Egyptians...

The Egyptians did
a number of groovy things,

and 5000 years,
they were there.

They invented a language.
A language written up on there.

And it was a nightmare
for newsreaders.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Here is the news in Egypt.

Man with a hat, man with a hat,
dog, dog with a gun, walking,
pig, pig, pig, coming, man,

duck with a gun, man,
there's an eyeball
walking along,

chicken with a banjo, dog,
really powerfuI dog,
comes along

and the cat got him
in an arm lock.

Three things,
big eye, fish, cat.

It seems the orgy in the zoo

-continues into
its seventh year.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's what I'm guessing.

And then, "Here's the weather
with Janine."

-"Uh... thank you.
It'll be sunny forever."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And now, the Greeks.

So, the Greeks came in,
'cause the Egyptians
all died in a car crash.

-And...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And the Greeks,
they had democracy.

Two words... Two Greek words.
"Demos" means people.

"Ocracy" is a kind of
inflatable cat...

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-...full of helium going,
"Vote now. Vote now."

Kind of like Blade Runner,
in my mind.

So, they had democracy,
which is great,

and it took off there,
it flowered through
the Roman period.

Five hundred years
of democracy.

And then it went...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Somewhere around Caesar,
the third son of God.

And... they also,
not only had that,
they had the Spartans.

The Spartans were...
The elite fighters of today
are based on the Spartans.

And the Spartans
were just crazy.

Get up in the morning...
[YAWNS MOCKINGLY]

[IMITATES SWORD SWISHING]

[IMITATES PUNCHES LANDING]
"Kids! Dad!

"Spears!"
[SCREAMS MOCKINGLY]

-"Breakfast!"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"How many did you get?"
"Got eight."

"I got seven."

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-Just mayhem.

Death by numbers.

Yeah, the Spartans.
The men, of course, were "Huh!"

But the women were also "Huh!"
The children were "Huh!"

And the dogs were "Woof!"
And the cats were "Woof!"

-The slugs were... [EXCLAIMS]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And the sheep...
Shh! Silent.

Most deadly sheep
in the world.

They were the only
predator sheep the world
has ever known.

They would wear bandanas,
like the kamikaze pilots...

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-...with ancient sheep
runes on them.

But they had not a clue
what they meant.

And they would sneak up
on wolves.

They would creep up
in the dead of night.

[SHUSHES] They would
never make a bleat.

The wolves would wake
and go, "Sheep!"

"What? I'm the wolf
who cried sheep."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And the irony was writ
large upon them.

And the sheep would be
in a stand-off with the wolves,

'cause they knew
they were more powerful,
but the sheep were brave.

And the sheep would take
a rusty blade
and they would say,

"Look at this!"
[IMITATES BLADES SWISHING]

And they would
shear themselves.

[IMITATES SHEARING]

"Come on!"

-"I've got my jacket off now."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You wanna come outside?"

And the wolves would go,
"We are outside."

"Let's fight, motherfucker."

[CHUCKLES]

-And the wolves would go,
"This is not in the book."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Grab their clothes and run."
[IMITATES SWOOSHING]

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-So, as...

As the audience realized
where the joke was,

the wolves in sheep's clothing
would run down the hill.

Run into a local market,
buy Slurpees,
run off, and never pay.

"Hey, I thought
they were sheep."

"They were wolves
in sheep's clothing."

"I didn't know.
New thing to me."

And it started
a whole spate of that,
wolves in sheep's clothing,

dogs in cats' clothing...

-Pigs in giraffes' clothing...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Which looked odd.

And ants in
elephants' clothing,

which was the biggest
bluff of all.

"Move or we will trample you."

"You're the fattest,
flattest elephants
I've ever seen."

"We are covert elephants.

"Work for the national
secret people.

"We're taking leaves
back to our nests."

"Elephants don't have nests."

-[SOFTLY] "Shit."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"We will trample you...

"...with our noses."

[SCOFFS] ...said the man.

[FAINT LAUGHTER]

-[WHISPERING]
Forget that scene.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I like the scene up till there,
but I don't know where
it goes after that.

-Suddenly a cow
turned up, "Moo."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You again?"

"Moo."

"Can you give me a lift
to the shops?"

"Moo."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SOFTLY] "Moo."

"All right,
I'm coming with you."

[IMITATES SHUTTING CAR DOOR]

[EXHALES]

[IMITATES SQUEAKING]

"Stop writing on the windows."

"I thought you just
said 'Moo'."

-"Moo."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Moving that mime away.

So, Spartans...

They fought
the Battle of Thermopylae.

The Battle of Thermopylae,
made into a film called
On the Good Ship Lollipop.

That was the first film
about it.

It's an anagram.
On the Good Ship Lollipop...

...Battle of Thermopylae.

It's exactly the same letters.
It's almost exactly
the same letters.

It was a Shirley Temple film.

She was in her Jodie Foster
Taxi Driver period,

She was trying to do
more edgy children's films.

But anyway, she wanted...

"I want to make a film,
one about the Spartans.

"About the Spartans
at Thermopylae."

They said, "All right,"
and it was On the Good Ship
Lollipop, and they did that.

♪ On the good ship...

[MIMICKING HACKING
WITH SWORD]

[SCREAMING]

"Shirley!"

"Spartan..."
[MIMICKING HACKING
WITH SWORD]

♪...Lollipop ♪

[MIMICKING EXPLOSION]

But they tested it on
children in America,

and the children actually
exploded, and...

[MIMICS EXPLOSION]
"Shit. They're going."

So, they decided to edit
all the violence
out of the film.

And you can't tell,
if you watch
On the Good Ship Lollipop,

you can't tell,
except if you look at Shirley

when she turns
in a certain light,

you can just see
a little bit of blood
coming out of here,

down her chin.

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

But the Spartans were crazy,
they would oil themselves
before battle,

so no one could
take them alive.

"I've got him!"
[MIMICS SWORD HACKING SOUND]

"Hang on."

[GROANING]

"These guys, it's like
fighting fish
over here, Xerxes."

"Xerxes, put the Scrabble
board down, mate."

"Who invented
travel Scrabble?"
[SCOFFS]

"Come on. We're trying to do
something here."

These blokes,
they were tactically
very clever

because, I mean the Spartans,

this is 300 Spartans
against 50,000,
100,000 Persians?

No one knows
how many Persians.

They now think it could have
been all the Persians.

Persia was empty that day,
they believe.

If you'd walked into Persia,

just empty, except for
cats and carpets.

People just
helping themselves.

"We're here
on the border of Persia,

"and there's just people
with carpets..."
[MIMICS CAT MEOWING]

"...and cats trying
to protect them."
[MIMICS CAT MEOWING]

"Give us a carpet.
Get away with a carpet."

"Vote now."

The Spartans were clever
as well, tactically clever,

they got the Persians
to attack them
in a very narrow place,

which was the corridor
of a Student Union Party.

"Get our cake mix
out of the window.

"Take the booze. Run.
"Take the Watney's
Red Barrel."

I didn't have that, no.
It was more Tennent's.

Cans of lager.

Anyway. So, yes,
so that was the Spartans.

Greeks fought in a phalanx.

They would have a whole group
of people with 20-foot spears.

You couldn't get at them,
they had 20-foot spears.

Unless one of your group
was crazy enough to say,

"Don't worry.
I'll lead the way."

[IMITATES SPEAR SLICING,
CHUCKLES]

Sacrifices himself
on the spear.

[LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY]

[LAUGHING]

[EXCLAIMING]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[LAUGHING]

[WHOOPING]

Ha! Oh, I can't do that.

[MIMICKING THUDDING]

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

Shit!

[LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY]

[GROANING]

[CHUCKLING WEAKLY]

[GROANING SOFTLY]

[GIGGLING]

[LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY]
"Told you.

"Yeah. Extra two foot
on my spear.

"Oh, God, he's heavy.
"I'm gonna wiggle him
off the end."

[MIMICKING THUDDING]

"Oh, crap."

"They'll think
you're signaling."

"I'm not.
I'm just trying to get...

"a dead guy
off the end of my spear."

They'll probably think
he's a pole vaulter
having a really weird...

Having a really tough day
at the office. [LAUGHS]

[ALL APPLAUDING]

These gigs are
just for me, you realize.

"Come off my spear!

"Hang on.

"Okay, okay.

"I can't see anything.
I can't see anything.

"Hang on, hang on...

"Okay. I'm good."

[HUMMING]

Then the Romans came in
with short, pointy swords
turned it sideways and went...

"Ha-ha!"

[MIMICKING SWORD CHOPPING]

"Hang on, hang on, hang on."

"Welcome...

"to the second line of defense.

"I'm just gonna go
and get a sherbet."

The Romans took
over everything.

They built aqueducts, viaducts,

they could move ducks
around faster than
anyone ever had.

Everyone was confused
by this brilliant move

that meant that ducks
were always in difficult
places to get at.

You never knew
where were these ducks
coming from?

Even the ducks were going,
"We don't know
why we're here."

And the Romans are going,
"I think they're supposed
to be on water, really."

And the men seemed to rule
the empires.

In fact, the women ruled
the empires with the use
of poison.

Men would say, "I, Lucius,
I will kill Gaius Cassius,

"and I will be
emperor of Rome."

The women would say,
"Goodluck, Lucius.
Have a peach before you go."

"Thank you, Calpurnia.

"People of Rome..."
[GROANING]

"Now my young three-year-old
idiot duck son will become..."

[QUACKING]

[VOCALIZING]

[QUACKING]

The Romans did
a hell of a lot, man.

The did hell of a lot,
very industrious,

very good at killing,
death by death.

[CHUCKLES] Death by killing
with big, pointy things.

They were good at that.
But they did this
with a language,

which we know from school
is silly.

It's too bloody complicated.
It's just got nouns,

and a masculine, feminine,
neuter, bisexual,

hermaphrodite
and straight transvestite.

They have an accusative,
a normative, a vocative,
a locative,

an ablative, a dative
and a genitive.

Couldn't they have
had 19 more?

I mean, why stop at 27?
I mean, it goes on.

If somebody says,
"Do you want to a beer?"

You are stuck in the idea of,
"I'm the object.

"I'm... The beer is the object.
No, I wanna drink.

"Yes, I do.
'Yes' is affirmative.

"I want affirmative action
but the beer is...

"You are the object.
No, the beer is the object.

"The beer is coming towards me,
that's a motion towards,

"that's to, so dative's
gotta be in there somewhere."

"Just mime me and answer.
Thumb?"

"Yeah. All right, mate."

How did they get
the messages out?

When Hannibal attacked
through Spain,
up and over the Alps,

how did they get
the message out?

I mean, 'cause Hannibal
actually won a whole
bunch of battles

and maybe that was
because they just couldn't

speak to each other
quick enough.

Messengers running from
one battle to another going,

"Centurion, Centurion,
alarum, alarum miserarium,

"minerarium, miserarium,
alarum miserarium.

"Uh, Touten de soldatens,
uh, mourati on the party."

"Quod the fuck is the...
Quod erat demonstrandum?"

"Uh, Ich bin messengare."

"Si, naturellement."

"Und ich couriere nach here
from a long way away-re

"mit newsum tres mauvaises
de le battle-arium,
the battarium,

"the pugnacco of the peoples
and the tuti of the mutis

"on the booties."

"Quod the fuck are you
talking about here?"

"Uh, it's difficlarium."

"Hannibal!"
"Hannibal? Hannibal."

"Si, Hannibal!"

"Oh, didus knock
mentanatem Hannibal?"

"Si, si,
Generalissimo HannibaI."

"HannibaI?
C'est tres dangereux!"

"Si. Er kommt,
mein Herr, uh...

"Arriverarm, arrivederci?

"No. Arriveramus?

"Rive... uh...

"Veni, vidi, vici!"

"Veni, vidi, vici?"

"Si, veni, vidi, vici.
Hannibal."

"Mit soldates?"

"Si, mit soldates.

"No, tout seul, bucket
and spade on holiday, I think.

"Naturellement mit soldates,
mit total soldates.

"Multo soldates,
infinitata soldates."

"Infinidate soldates
is mathemelaticus
totally impossibiliatus."

"Uh, no.

"Ask Pythagoratus."

"Yes, ist te truthum.
It's the veritum.

"Yeah, yeah. Pi?"

"Danke schon."

[MUMBLES]

"Have you tried just
not cooking this?"

[MUMBLES]

"C'est pas mal,
c'est pas mal, mate.
Rhetorical...

"Gas markum quoi?"

"Gas markum 3.141."

[CHUCKLES]

"It's a jokum,
it's a jokum.

"He's a funny Iad."
[CHUCKLING]

"High-fives, Pythagoratus.

"Square of the hypotenuse."

"Have you finished?"

"No, 'cause cette fois, uh...

"Hannibal is coming 'round
the mountain when he comes.

"Is coming 'round the mountains
when he comes."

"Coming 'round the mountains?
Coming 'round the mountains?"

"Coming 'round the mountains
when he comes.

"Singing..."

[VOCALIZING]

"Mit pink pyjamas?"

"Kein pink pyjamas."

"Cette fois er kommt mit
elephantein."

"Elephantein?

"What the fuck
elephantein erat?"

"Elephantein tres dangereux.
Elephantein tres mysteriosum.

"Front part is elephantain
and is similaris
con ein squirrel."

"Hey, man. Don't take
the piss out of me.

"I'm just here, you know,
looking for my wife.

"Have you seen a boat?"

"Imagine this, maximum squirrel
upside-downus, back to frontus.

"Tailum ist nosum.
Tailum ist nosum.

"Back part is
elephantein is similarus
but a magnus pigus.

"Bigus pigus. Bike pump.

"Attachum mit duct tape.
That is elephantein."

"Das ist elephantein?
Run, motherfucker."

It's too big, too Iong.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All that takes far too Iong,
and Hannibal would
overrun them,

and kiII them all
and set up a charity.

English is good.

It's taken off because
it's such a simple language
at its base level.

"Hannibal's coming!"
"Hannibal? What with?"

"Soldiers."
"How many?"

"Tons." "What else?"
"Elephants."

"What are they?"
"Pigs and squirrels. Run."

"The English have gone,
the English have gone.

"Oh, God, they had such
a quick Ianguage."

You have to have a tea party
to work out the Latin stuff.

Yes, we got rid of
one of our you's.

We had two you's,
we got rid of one.

The whole familiar you.
"Aren't you my father?"

And the unfamiliar you.
"Who the fuck are you guys?"

So, we got rid
of the first one.

That was all the "thee"
and the "thou"
one that the Pilgrims used,

wouldst thee, wouldst thou,
would thee, thy, thum...

Wouldst thou?
Thou wilt disagree.

Thou wilt have a bad time
over the fact that thou
didst send us away...

Why don't you all just go?

Go and hang
in the middle of the country.

So, yeah.

The Romans all died
in a chariot crash, and...

then Charles Darwin wrote
a famous book in 18
scritty swam swums,

and that book was
an interesting book
'cause it was called,

Monkey, Monkey,
Monkey, Monkey,
Monkey, Monkey, You.

And... you know,
it just took off,

uh, like wildfire
and it caused an outrage
in the monkey kingdom.

Monkeys were furious
about it.

Oh, God, they were flinging poo
at electrical fans

that had been specially set up
for the occasion.

Because "the shit hits the fan"
is a saying that is
post-electricity.

Pre electricity, it's just...

[WHOOSHES]

"Did you just throw a poo
at my fan?

"What's the point of that?

"You want me to switch
the electricity on?

"Well, we've only just
had it wired up.

"I don't see..."
[EXCLAIMING IN PAIN]

"I see, yes, yes.

"Yes, the shit has certainly
hit the fan now."

Before electricity
all they had was,

"Then the shit will really hit
the Archimedes screw."

Much slower.

So, yes, that was it,
evolution, evolution,

and we have evolution all
the way from the beginning
up to now,

including all of us,
the genetics that
go through us,

the inbreeding,
non-inbreeding,
the Royal family.

Well, it's good that
the Royal Family...

They shouldn't have
sex with people.
The idea of being commoners...

We have an idea of commoners.
"Commoners" is a horrible word.

I think it should be
"reaI people."

That's what
the House of Commons
should be.

The House of ReaI People.

And the commoners,
they're reaI people, you see?

So, the Queen Mother,
she was always crazy,

she was shot out of a cannon
for her funeral, as you know.

That was her dying wish,
"Shoot me out of a cannon."

It was kind of a Robin Hood
thing going on there.

She was a Scottish Iady,
oh, yes.

She was.
You never heard her speak.

Do you remember
the last 40 years,
you never heard a word

but she was there going,
"Will you shoot me
out of a cannon? Come on.

"I would like to see
the Solent one more time,

"before I land
in the Isle of Wight.

"Come on, you fucker,
give us a break."

Something like that.

But the Queen,
I just have a problem
with monarchy

'cause obviously
in the third millennium,

hereditary privilege is insane.

Yes, I hear your silent yes.

Hereditary privilege.
How do you explain
that to children?

"Why do some people live
in fantastic houses

"and we give them cash
out of our taxes?"

Because, uh, I don't know,
that's a good question,
small child.

Well, it is an
interesting question.

You know, it's gotta change.
I think Charlie's doing
something, you know,

he's doing organic farming,
he's doing stuff.

You know, the charity
he does is good.

Some of the kids
are doing stuff,
but Liz and PhiI...

Liz and PhiI haven't
done anything because
Liz and PhiI just sat there.

'Cause they got in at '52.

And then immediately,
the Queen introduced the new...

Then in the '60s, the Queen
decided to change
the way that...

And she encouraged
people to...

In the '70s,
she completely redistributed...

And realized she had
too much wealth,
so she decided to...

In the '80s,
they set up a charity to do...

And then they encouraged
other people to...

In the '90s,
they just totally relaxed,

and they said,
"Everyone, why don't you..."

Then in the 2000s,
they set a great example by...

Stop me at any point.

I think she's got
20 years left.

She's in there, but she
essentially does what
she does on the stamps.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do something.
Just do something.

Open your house up.
Give away your house.

Change some...
Do something.

Change your hair,
smoke a cigarette,
drive a car.

Wave a bit. Fucking wave.
Where's the fucking waving?

We paid good money,
we want some fucking waving.

Got cash, got cash,
do waves.

Don't you think?

Anyway, so, evolution.

We can see evolution with fish.
Fish swim in the sea,

they're very thin,
they breathe through
their necks. And, and...

and they just seem to be...
They have very short memories,
I believe, fish.

and so they seem to
just be going,
"Oh. Oh. Oh."

As if someone's just told them,
"You realize you're fish?

"And you have very
short memories."

"Oh. Oh. Oh.

"Oh, I didn't realize.
Oh, no."

And then, the mudskipper
is a fish that walks
along his legs.

You can see the evolution
with the mudskipper
going along.

If you look right deep
into his eyes,
you can see him going.

"I'm almost there.
I'm almost there.

"One day, I'll have a house
and a Ferrari.

"I'll work on the stock
exchange and lose loads
of money down the toilet."

And then fish fly, fish fly.

In the sky, they must be up
there going, "Oh, oh, wow."

And then they must stop
in trees occasionally,
and go, Oh."

And then birds were
in trees, they're going,
"Who the fuck are you guys?"

"Oh, no. Oh, oh."

"We're birds, we eat fish."

-"Oh, crap. Oh."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Fly, Freddie, Fly!"

[WHOOSHING]

You ever seen birds chasing
fish in the air?

Just looks so... You go,
"I gotta have a drink.
That's weird."

Yes, that's the fish side.
That's evolution.

Then on the creation side,
God got the world
and he went...

[WHOOSHING]

"There it is, it's blue.
Don't fuck it up."

Can't stand the man.

We don't know what
that means.

It's just funny
but we don't know why.

But then he didn't do it
in one go, which I think,
why take six days?

Why not just go...
[WHOOSHING]

He did it six days with
one day for prayer.
Why not do, two seconds.

[EXCLAIMING]

Then you've got seven days
for prayer.

They'd just be up there going,
"God, you're really great,
you're really fantastic.

"Dear God, we thank you
especially for what you did

"on Tuesday. It was really...
Was it Tuesday?

"No. Never. That's right."

You never wake up and you hear,

"God's given everyone
an extra banana,
what a wonderful day it is.

"Extra banana for everyone."

Never.

Anyway. Six days of making
the Earth like he's making
a train set for his kids.

[WHOOSHES]

After a while, small animals
will be following going,
"Who are you?"

"I'm God."

"Why are you taking so long?

"We've got no food."

"All right, I'll make you food.

"Sorry about that.
What are you badgers,
squirrels, chicken?"

[BLOWS TRUMPET]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"We eat nuts, man.
Have you seen a boat?"

"Haven't made them yet."

"Oh what am I doing here?"

"Right, badgers.
Badgers eat bok choy."
[WHOOSHES]

"No, we don't.

"I'm not eating that.
It's supposed to be
pak choi, anyway.

"It's called bok choy."
"Pak choi."

"Mandarin." "Cantonese."

[EXHALES]

"Not eating it."
"All right.
Sprouting broccoli."

[WHOOSHES]

-"Uh..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Holy crap."

"See, badgers can be choosers."

[SCATTERED GROANS]

What?

What, you've heard
too many bok choy,

pak choi, sprouting broccoli
badger creationist jokes
this week?

Oh, you're up to here.
Every other person saying them.

Just wading through them
this Christmas.

That old chestnut.

Didn't the Greeks
use that one?

-Fuck off!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"All right Mr. Badger."
[WHOOSHES]
"Creme brulee you shall eat.

"Creme brulee?
That's hardly brulee,
that's singed."

[WHOOSHES]

"All right, that's
creme flambe now."

"Creme brulee, creme flambe.
Where did you learn French?"

"While you're pissing
about making the Earth.
I was on Rosetta Stone."

We were all sitting
around there going...
[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-"I don't know what
he's talking about."
-[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

"Day one in the giant
squid diaries.

"Nothing, it's a void.
Day three, isn't it?

"Shit, running out of ink. Ah.

"Why? Why?
There's no water yet.
Bugger, bugger.

"All right, give me another
Letts diary, will you?"

Do you remember those?

Every Christmas you got
your Letts diary.

You fill in just
the first six days,
and then blank.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Did everyone do that?
About June you'd rediscover it

and start filling it again,
and go... Then you'd
backfill it with lessons.

Okay, I saw one
kid doing that. Anyway...

Creationism has turned, through
the mind of a Sarah Palin,
into intelligent design.

And I have two problems
with intelligent design.

One is the intelligence
part of it?

And the other is
the design part of it.

Because, you know,
there's some things which
were wonderful in the world.

Some things were horrible,
disgusting, cancer.

Intelligent design
or just weird fucking stuff
going on?

Cholera, all those things.

If we were God
for half an hour,
we would ban poo and pee.

Why do we have poo and pee?
You say, waste products.

Why don't you eat food
and do stuff?

There's no logic
to waste products,
just efficient use of energy.

Eat it and boom, go, do stuff.
Poo and pee causes all those...

Coughs and sneezes
spread diseases.

All the poo and peeing
diseases. Cholera.
All that out the window.

If we were God. And then
you say we might need
the poo for crops.

Well, no the crops grow
because of sunlight.

-Or because they want to.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Remember your God.

So the appendix, it sits
next to your esophagus
your entire life going,

"Any grass?
Is that grass, mate?
Is that grass? What's that?

"Pak choi? Arsehole.

"What's that? Spinach?
Well, you won't...
Ah, forget it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No. it's horrible.
I don't wanna touch it."

"We've got an appendix here,
but forget it.

"Asparagus, that's like grass.

"Big grass? Big grass, mate.

"Do you wanna run it through me
and Jimbo? Machine?

"One careful owner."

"This is insane."

"I'm calling
Intelligent Design."

[MIMICKING DIALING]

"Intelligent Design?
Yes, the appendix.

"Yes, the appendix.

"Any news?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Well, what the fuck
are we doing?

"Did you put us here on duty
to deal with grass?

"It doesn't eat grass."

"Haven't you noticed?
It might be evolution."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, well,
it might be, motherfucker.

"We don't want to be here,
we're just sitting here
doing nothing.

"We want to be somewhere else."

"Where?"

"Uh...

"We want to be in
the back of books."

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

"You put an appendix
in the back of books,
Go on, put it there.

"We don't want page numbers,
we want Roman numerals.

"Real teeny, tiny ones.

"And then we want
endless lists of rubbish
that no one ever reads.

"Or they read two
or three of them and then go,
'Oh, this is crap.'

"And then they go back.

"You do that. Otherwise...
otherwise, we will explode."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your appendix explodes.
Just like John Hurt
in the film, Alien.

That thing comes out.

And that looks like
an appendix with teeth.

Your appendix very
rarely gets used.
You need the rest of your crew.

That's true.

But that's it,
cows have four stomachs.

Why do they have four stomachs?
Why not one stomach?

Why don't they do it like us?
Just eat stuff
and then poo or pee.

They have four crappy stomachs.
Or useless stomachs.

They eat food.
It comes back up,
they chew it again,

goes down, it comes back up.

They keep going up and down.

By the fourth stomach,
surely it's coming up
and they're going...

"This did not need
to come back up.

"You should have gone
the other way.

"I now understand
'shit-eating grin'.
I know what it is."

Should be shit-eating grimace.

Cows should be in corners
of fields going...
[MIMICKING VOMITING]

Never see that.
Or they should be
in cars going, "Moo."

"We like him."

"Moo."

Cow and Raptor.
[STRUMMING GUITAR]

Cow, Raptor.
[STRUMMING GUITAR]

"Moo."

Go, cow, go! "Moo."

"Put all the moo in the bag.

"Got lots of moo."

"What the fuck is moo?"

"I think it's air."

Work on the first draft
of this script.

So I think we look
for rules to live our lives.

And I decided to take all
the religions in the world
and all the philosophies

because I think religions
are philosophies with
the extra top coat

of mystical things,
you know.

Stuff for people Iiving
in trees.

Or clouds. Or trees.
If a God lived in a tree,
that wouldn't work, would it?

"I am a God."

"You're living in a tree.

"You're like a bird.
Aren't you?"

"Yeah, but... Ah, bugger."

What I chose from all
the religions in the world,
I decided to try and live...

You know, you want some rule,
direction to live your life by.

And, "Do unto others
as you would
have others do unto you"

seems to be one thing
you can just grab hold of
and is really good.

And it's not perfect.

And you're gonna be grumpy
at people or shouty, whatever.
But if you try that one,

I think it's really good,
and you don't need
anything else

and then there's
the Ten Commandments.

Now that's a lot of
commandments and humans,
we like simplicity.

But anyway, Moses,
charismatic individual,
mentioned in the Bible,

mentioned outside the Bible.

Grew up as an ancient Egyptian.
Which means he was an Egyptian

who was really old
at the age of three.

"Ah yes. Come over here,
young man.

"Excited are we?"

He would say and uh...

So he was actually a Hebrew
person who was smuggled
in and adopted,

and all the Hebrew people
were enslaved in Egypt
at that time

because they were there
on holiday then it all went
pear-shaped.

And Moses grew up.
He killed a slave owner
and then he rushed off

and hid and became a shepherd
to get out of the being sent...

Put on trial
or whatever it was.

And while he was up in
the mountain with his sheep,
a bush caught fire.

[MIMICKING FLAME ROARING]

And he said, "Right, come on,
sheep, get out of here.

"It's looking kind of
biblical around here."

And the bush said,
"Moses, Moses. Come back here."
He said, "Hang on sheep.

"Just wait there. What is it?"

"Moses, you must
leave this place."

"I was leaving when
you called me back.
What the bloody heII do..."

"No, you must Ieave this place
on a short to mid-term future

"on a geopolitical basis."
For fuck's sake.

"You're a very complicated
bush. We're not used
to that around here."

So, yes, he ran over
to the sheep.

"It's a slow burn,"
he said to the sheep.

He said, "Look, sheep,
I gotta go. I gotta go,
get out of Dodge City.

"You lads, get out of here,
run, you run from here.
I have to go and do things.

"So you run and you
find the Spartan sheep.

"They will train you
to be ninjas.

"They will train you
to be kamikaze.

"That's not very useful.

"That's a kind of..."
[MIMICKING THUD]
"...thing."

"All right, forget it,
it's too complicated."

"What? Moo."

"You're mooing sheep.
You must find
the Spartan sheep.

"They will train you
to become leaders of sheep.

"And I'll meet you
in the final scene."

"Oka." So he runs off.

He goes down to his friends
and says,

"Come on, lads. We'll get
all the Hebrew people
and leave this desert.

"Let's go to a desert."

"Yeah, change is as
good as a rest."

"I want to go to Surrey."

"No, it's a bit rainy there."

"Let's go to the desert."

He says, "Let's go tonight,
under the cover of frogs."

So because there were ten
plagues that landed on Egypt

and you know there's
a plague of flies.
[IMITATES BUZZING]

Plague of locusts.
[IMITATES LOCUSTS CHIRPING]

And a plague of frogs

was one of the weirdest plagues
I've ever heard of.

If that came from God,
he had lost his marbles,

'cause a plague of frogs
is not a plague, is it?
It's just a lot of frogs.

-It's more frogs than usual.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

To be a plague, you have
to be able to go,
"The flies, the flies!"

"The locusts, the locusts!"

And you're never going,
"The frogs, the frogs!
I'm drowning in frogs!

"Help me, Mama, help me!"

"Pull Jimby out of the...
Out of the frog pit.
The pit of frogs."

-"The frogs have got him.
Don't lick their backs."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Who came up with
a hallucinogenic
back of a toad?

Was that God on crack cocaine?

[SNORTS] "Look. B-sus,
look at this. B-sus,
lick the back of that."

[SNORTS] "Lick that.
Lick the back of that toad.
Lick the back of that toad."

"Dad, you've said that
for half an hour now."

"B-sus, you're covered
in something."

-"What, Dad?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Wow, this is really good
toad. This is a good year.
What year is this?

-"1927. Wow,
excellent toad year."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Toads came up with the line,
"You lick my back,
and I'll lick yours."

If he created a frog plague,
then he must have
been going,

"Right. T-sus, P-sus,
D-sus, L-sus,
I want another plague."

"You've had ten, Dad.
Wait, you've had nine.
This'll be the tenth.

"You had a plague of toads,
a plague of helicopters,

"a plague of people
with weird haircuts,

"a plague of dripping."

-"The dripping, the dripping."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But there's no bread."

"I want another plague.
Who are those green
lads over there?"

"They're frogs, they're playing
canasta, world championship."

"Who's winning?"

"Frogs are, two to one."

"Who are they playing?"

-"Other frogs."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Put 'em in a DC-9,
I want them down."

"Great Pharaoh, huge,
green monsters
are falling from the..."

[MIMICS THUDDING]
"Small green monsters,
quite small. Just frogs."

[MIMICS FROG CROAKING]

So they strapped them to their
heads and they ran.
"There's frogs escaping."

"It's okay."

And they went through
the Red Sea 'cause a giant
squid held the water back.

"Go on, good luck, good luck.

"Giant squid's diary,
day 3009.
"Helped the frogs.

"Helped the Hebrew
people get out of Egypt.

"Running out of
bloody ink again.

"Got a biro." [CLICKS TONGUE]

"Helped the Hebrew
people to escape under
the cover of frogs.

"Was glad to help.
Links with Noah.

"Saw Mr. Squirrel again."

"It was hell in there, man.
We were enslaved.
Squirrels were enslaved.

"For what? I don't know."

[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

-"I'm going to
marry a chicken."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So then they wandered
in the desert for 40 years.

And if I was with that group,
after 23 years, I would have
turned to them and said,

"What the fuck is going on?

"23 years just wandering
in the desert.

-"I'll give you 17 more
years and that's it."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And after 17 years,
30 years, 40 years...
And after 40 years,

there are obviously
people going mad,
going crazy.

They're going,
"I'm gonna have sex
with my foot."

"I'm gonna eat balloons
till I explode."

"I'm gonna set fire
to my buttocks."

"I'm gonna staple
my toes to a tractor."

"I'm gonna fill myself
with sand and sell myself
to a taxidermist."

And Moses said,
"Look, you can't do this.
This is insane.

"You can't. There are rules."

"There are no rules!"

"All right, I'll get ten."

So he runs off and comes back,

"All right, here they are.
Rule one, never piss
in a toaster.

"Never eat barbed wire.
Don't call yourself
Mr. Jimjams.

"Never scrape your brain
with the back of a comb.

"Don't put your toes in a fire.

"Never sellotape your eyelids
to your mother's."

"What? These aren't rules,
you just made these up on
the way back from the hill."

"I couldn't find anyone with...
Just... I'll get better ones."
Runs off.

Two hours later, comes back.
"All right, here we are.

"Always keep quiet.
Run up a tree
if you see anyone.

"Keep your tail clean.
Keep your nuts and your makeup
in a hole in the tree."

-"This is..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"These are squirrel rules."

"Hey, man.
Don't have a go at us, man.

"We got good rules. Yeah.
We know what we're doing, man.

-"This is my chicken."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Who are these people?
They're not Hebrew squirrels
and chickens."

"They're just with us.
They're with the band."

So... yes.
So then he said...

They said to him. They said,
"Moses, look, Moses,
we want real rules.

"Rules you can write on rock.
The three R's."

So he said, "All right.
I'll go get them."

As the audience worked
that joke out, he ran away.

And he ran off
and he was away for months.

About two months.
A long time, it must have been,

'cause by the time he returned,
they had smelted metal.

That's a Discovery program,
channel thing. That's a...

Smelting metal?
"Oh, he's not coming back.
He's probably eaten by bears.

"Let's smelt metal.

"Let's make a cast-iron
version of a God."

And it never works.
If you watch it,
it's very difficult

to make a proper mold and get
it all working out, especially
in the desert after 40 years.

Pour it out and go,
"There, a golden calf."

"Looks like a badger
that's head's exploded."

"That's a stoat
covered in sick."

"That's a man who's eaten
too many balloons."

"Whatever it is,
he's called Jimbo
and we're worshipping him.

"We worship thee, O Jimbo,
our lord of thistle.

"Please bring us kazoos
on the hour... every hour."

And then Moses returned
and he said...

He was furious
and he smashed the tablets
of stone on the ground.

He said, "What are you doing?"
And they all went...
[VOCALIZING]

-He said,
"You call those kazoos?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"'Cause no one recognized
the sound."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"They never do, Great Moses.

"For some reason, that joke
always screws up at that point.

"We can't do kazoo sounds."
[VOCALIZING]

"Don't practice now,
they're filming."

[CONTINUES VOCALIZING]

[IMITATES DARTH VADER
BREATHING]

-"The Force is with them."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"With them?" "Yeah."

"Look, look, look,
I've got rules."
And he said he's got rules.

"Rock rules.
Rules written on rock.

"And they're the Ten
Commandments,

"but you don't need them
because the one,
do unto others,

"is a self-policing rule.

"Thou shall not kill.
Do unto others as you'd
have others do unto you.

"Would you like others to
kill you? Probably not.

"So don't kill other people.

"Would you like
your stuff being stolen?
Probably not.

"So don't steal other people's.
It's self-policing."

So those are the two main ones,
and then there's other ones
in the Ten Commandments

like, you know, don't put
your knitting on the stage,
Mrs. Worthington,

or something, I don't know.

Never sellotape your hair
to a tractor. These things.

And there's one in there that's
just completely bonkers.

Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's ox.

-What?
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What, was that all the rage?

Were people going,
"Oh, my God, have you
seen Steve's ox? Oh!"

"What? Where? Where?"

"Don't look now.
It's a genius ox.

"It's the most amazing
ox I've ever seen.

"Oh, it's brilliant.
It's just... Have you seen...
It was on Top Ox.

"It was on Top Ox.

"You know Top Gear?
It's Top Ox."

"This ox can go naught
to 50 in under a year.

"It is the most amazingly
sleek... Built by the Germans,

"you can hang your washing
between its ears."

"It really has the biggest face
this side of Christendom."

"This is one motherfucker
of an ox."

How were... Why were
people coveting oxes?

It isn't thou shalt not steal
the ox, or eat the ox,
or set fire to the ox,

or have sex with the ox,
it's just covet the ox.
It's just wanting the ox.

How do you have an ox market,
how do you sell oxes
if no one wants them?

Any trade will not work
if no one can covet anything.

It must have been weird.
You know, people saying,

"Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's ox."

"He's not my neighbor,
he lives across the road,
number 23.

"I'm off on a technicality."

I used to say it's thou shalt
not cover thy neighbor's ox.

And that makes more
sense because you can't
find your bloody ox.

"Where's my ox?

"I can't bloody find
the ox now. I was in it.
Jim, have you seen my ox?"

"I can't bloody
see him anywhere.

"Someone's just run
off with my ox."

-"Where's your duvet?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You've lost a duvet,
I've lost an ox.

"There's an ox and duvet
stealer going around.

"I'm gonna tell the local...

"Hang on, look,
there's your duvet.

-"It's moving."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Jimbo...

"You covered up my ox.

"You covered my ox.
Thou shalt not cover
thy neighbor's ox.

"And I'm your bloody neighbor.

"You're gonna go to
hell for this."

And finally tonight...

In 1969, the Americans
landed on the Moon.
And I can prove it,

because the Russians were also
trying to get to the moon.
The Russians had the first

satellite in space,
the first man in space,
first woman in space,

first orbit in space,
first spacewalk.
A load of firsts in there.

Very good.
Well done to them.

And they didn't get
to the moon first.

I don't know
if it was the money...

Not sure what the reason was,
but they were very close.

They were sending
an unmanned probe there.

So, they would have
taken photographs.

And if the Americans
had not gone,
they would have said,

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]
"You did not go.
We have photograph,

"we have videotape.
It's a book, thing, it's a cow.
Two syllables.

"Come, scientists of the world.
We will show you proof."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
And they would have proved it.

Six times, they could
have proved it.

It's he Russians,
they weren't getting on
with the Americans at the time.

So... a bit like now.

So... yes. So, they did
go to the Moon.

And I had a lot invested
in that as a child in
Bishop's Stortford watching.

I didn't live there but I just
thought that, "I'll go to
Bishop's Stortford."

'Cause it's such a crazy name.

'Cause obviously a bishop
did have a stortford there,
whatever it was.

So, yeah. And when they landed
on the Moon, that was the time.

If there is a God
in the universe,

he should have
come down and said,
"You're the first ones

"to make it from the blue
one to the grey one.
Well done.

"You win Smarties forever,
and congratulations."

"Neil? Neil. Neil, well done.
And, Buzz. Buzz Lightyear?
You Buzz Lightyear?

"You Buzz Lightyear?
You Buzz Lightyear?
You're box clever. Well done.

"Take off your helmets, relax.
Welcome, welcome."

"No, don't take your
helmets off. It's a joke."

"Sorry, I'm a bit dry.
My humor's a bit dry.

"I hung out with
the British for a while.

"Now, so, yes.
Well, this is the grey one.

"And it's just the top coat.
We're going to paint it
at some point.

"We're thinking pink.

"What do you think of pink?
I'm trying to do
a snooker thing.

"Blue one, red one, pink...
Yes, yes.

"I'm God and I live
on the dark side of the Moon,

"along with Darth Vader...

[IMITATES DARTH VADER
BREATHING]

-"Hello."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"And Pink Floyd."

[IMITATES DARTH VADER
BREATHING]

"Hello."

"Who do an excellent group
impression of Darth Vader."

"And here we have
a young friend, the raptor."

"Hi."

"And the cow." "Moo."

"They just drove here,
being chased by these sheep."

[MIMICKING SHEEP BLEATING]

"These are mad sheep
who've been trained
by Spartan sheep.

"We have a squirrel here."

"Hey, man, don't come here.
There's crazy fuckers here.

"That raptor's insane, man.
It's going to kill everyone."

"And this chicken."
[MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING]

"And Mr. Gerald,
the giant squid."

"Giant squid's diary,
day 3,009.

"We're here on the Moon
with the human beings,
they've made it to the Moon.

"They've probably got 100
more years before they blow
themselves up.

"Can they do it?
Can they be civilized enough?

-"It's up to them, they have
to think out of the box."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Good night."

-Good night.
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]