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I do apologise, Wellbeloved!
It was the Empress, m'lord.
3
00:00:28,991 --> 00:00:32,751
Oh, there you are! Sound digestion
and a clear conscience.
4
00:00:32,752 --> 00:00:34,790
'Clarence?'
5
00:00:34,791 --> 00:00:37,270
How the deuce did you do that?
6
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,351
Sounds like my sister Connie!
7
00:00:40,311 --> 00:00:43,550
Angela is in tears. Again.
8
00:00:43,551 --> 00:00:45,790
Erm...? Your niece.
9
00:00:45,791 --> 00:00:49,791
Two weeks to go till the Fat Pig
Show, Connie, and look at her!
10
00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:52,870
Are we pleased with you?
Yes, we are...
11
00:00:52,871 --> 00:00:54,430
oh, yes, we are!
12
00:00:54,431 --> 00:00:56,869
When you have finished
irradiating that pig
13
00:00:56,870 --> 00:00:59,871
with your imbecilic conversation,
I would like a word.
14
00:00:59,872 --> 00:01:01,791
Ahh... Mm.
15
00:01:02,951 --> 00:01:07,231
Sir Gregory Parsloe, Parsloe's pig,
what's her name? The Queen?
16
00:01:08,351 --> 00:01:10,670
She's not, in your opinion...
17
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,750
fatter...?
18
00:01:12,751 --> 00:01:14,869
Gah, Empress'll be the winner,
you'll see.
19
00:01:14,870 --> 00:01:17,471
Same as last year,
and the year before that.
20
00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:23,430
Lord, bless my soul, my dear fellow!
You're dressed for church!
21
00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:25,670
I am going to worship, sir.
22
00:01:25,671 --> 00:01:27,591
At the Church of The Goat
and Feathers.
23
00:01:27,592 --> 00:01:30,990
Ah! Well, say a prayer for me.
24
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,550
Thank you, sir.
25
00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:34,669
None of your little recitations,
mind.
26
00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:38,111
Trousers on legs and billowy
portions, Cyril Wellbeloved.
27
00:01:38,112 --> 00:01:39,710
Not the head.
28
00:01:39,711 --> 00:01:42,429
♪ Oh, my little sister Lily
is a tart in Piccadilly
29
00:01:42,430 --> 00:01:45,229
♪ My mother, she's another,
worse the luck
30
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,989
♪ My granny hawks her arse
all round the Elephant and Castle
31
00:01:47,990 --> 00:01:51,351
♪ There's nothing she won't do
to get a... ♪
That'll suffice!
32
00:01:51,352 --> 00:01:54,670
A disgusting display
of public drunkenness!
33
00:01:54,671 --> 00:01:58,111
Clerk, what's the maximum sentence
the court will permit me to impose?
34
00:01:58,112 --> 00:02:00,510
Seven days. Fourteen days? Sold.
35
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:01,910
Oh, bliddy Nora.
36
00:02:01,911 --> 00:02:04,470
Plus another day for profanity.
37
00:02:04,471 --> 00:02:09,270
But it's the Shropshire Show,
Sir Gregory, sir, your enormity.
38
00:02:09,271 --> 00:02:12,311
His Lordship needs me
to keep Empress good and fat...
39
00:02:12,312 --> 00:02:16,391
Too ruddy bad for His Lordship.
Take him down!
40
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:24,550
Here you are. Eat up.
41
00:02:24,551 --> 00:02:27,791
A repast fit for a Queen.
42
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:37,110
Sweetie pie. I entreat you...
Just a little spoonful here...
43
00:02:37,111 --> 00:02:40,190
But it's banana...
44
00:02:40,191 --> 00:02:44,430
Darling, it's banana.
45
00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:47,390
Cyril Wellbeloved swears by banana...
46
00:02:47,391 --> 00:02:49,349
Dash it! Where is Wellbeloved?
47
00:02:49,350 --> 00:02:51,349
Been unavoidably detained, my lord.
48
00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:53,349
He hasn't got himself
locked up, has he?
49
00:02:53,350 --> 00:02:56,151
This is no time for Wellbeloved
to be slacking about in custody!
50
00:02:56,152 --> 00:02:58,070
We need him!
51
00:02:58,071 --> 00:03:02,231
Sir Gregory's pig BALLOONS in volume
even as we speak. Beach,
52
00:03:02,232 --> 00:03:03,910
this is an emergency.
53
00:03:03,911 --> 00:03:07,191
You have my permission to panic
and run about screaming.
54
00:03:07,192 --> 00:03:08,711
Very good, my lord.
55
00:03:10,951 --> 00:03:12,470
Oh, Lord Heacham!
56
00:03:12,471 --> 00:03:15,549
I cannot understand the difficulty
you are having... Don't touch me!
57
00:03:15,550 --> 00:03:18,111
If you touch me I shall scream.
..grasping the fact
58
00:03:18,112 --> 00:03:20,550
that I am not going to marry you.
59
00:03:20,551 --> 00:03:22,991
You're a silly little nonsense,
aren't you?
60
00:03:22,992 --> 00:03:25,831
Now, come here and kiss me.
61
00:03:28,911 --> 00:03:31,230
Poor little scrap.
62
00:03:31,231 --> 00:03:35,751
Put her in the Shropshire Show,
calling her fat, people will laugh.
63
00:03:35,752 --> 00:03:38,150
'Clarence...
64
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:41,030
'Clarence!
65
00:03:41,031 --> 00:03:43,910
'Clarence, I am looking for you!
66
00:03:43,911 --> 00:03:46,350
'Where are you?
67
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,711
'I want to talk to you!'
68
00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:00,751
'Clarence?'
69
00:04:07,591 --> 00:04:11,990
Ah, Connie, splendid!
Erm... Heard you calling.
70
00:04:11,991 --> 00:04:14,991
Wasn't able to find you, so I
thought, what a capital idea to...
71
00:04:14,992 --> 00:04:17,510
Fling the servants' shoes around?
72
00:04:17,511 --> 00:04:20,350
Clarence. I NEED to talk to you!
73
00:04:20,351 --> 00:04:23,790
Keep lips shut!
It stops the drivel coming out!
74
00:04:23,791 --> 00:04:26,071
What are you going to do
about Angela
75
00:04:26,072 --> 00:04:29,750
breaking off her engagement
to Lord Heacham?
76
00:04:29,751 --> 00:04:32,790
Heacham! Sir Gregory's nephew! Oh!
77
00:04:32,791 --> 00:04:35,590
It's an eminently suitable match.
78
00:04:35,591 --> 00:04:40,350
But instead, SHE professes love for
the unpalatable "Jimmy" Belford.
79
00:04:40,351 --> 00:04:42,550
Oh, I like him!
80
00:04:42,551 --> 00:04:45,111
But they can't get married.
It's out of the question.
81
00:04:45,112 --> 00:04:47,550
He's in Africa. Australia.
82
00:04:47,551 --> 00:04:49,030
America. Yes.
83
00:04:49,031 --> 00:04:51,791
He found employment as a "cowboy" -
whatever that is -
84
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,710
but he is now back in England.
85
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:58,310
Belford is without prospects!
86
00:04:58,311 --> 00:05:00,910
The marriage to him is not possible!
87
00:05:00,911 --> 00:05:04,469
Connie, I've got so many nieces.
Can't you sort it out?
88
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,549
Well, of course I could!
But for primogeniture,
89
00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:10,871
I could sort out the entire family.
But it is YOU who were born a man,
90
00:05:10,872 --> 00:05:15,870
or a vague approximation of one.
You have to do it.
91
00:05:15,871 --> 00:05:17,229
Where are you going?
92
00:05:17,230 --> 00:05:20,349
If I'm to defeat Sir Gregory,
I need to inflate the Empress.
93
00:05:20,350 --> 00:05:23,511
And it's no good pointing
that chin at me, either.
94
00:05:23,512 --> 00:05:26,391
Forget the pig.
Administrate the family.
95
00:05:27,471 --> 00:05:31,430
Oh, and to top it all,
Freddie is on his way.
96
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:33,670
Erm..
97
00:05:33,671 --> 00:05:36,111
Your son. Oh.
98
00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:44,190
♪ La, la, la, la... ♪
99
00:05:44,191 --> 00:05:47,711
Oh! Ha, ha!
100
00:05:54,791 --> 00:05:57,071
The tree was travelling
far too fast.
101
00:05:57,072 --> 00:05:59,791
And on the wrong side of the road!
102
00:06:04,911 --> 00:06:08,110
Guv'nor!
..calorific bonus of the turnip...
103
00:06:08,111 --> 00:06:10,550
All well?
Two weeks, Frederick.
104
00:06:10,551 --> 00:06:12,870
Then it's all over.
105
00:06:12,871 --> 00:06:17,431
Whiffle is the recognised authority,
but he has no answer.
106
00:06:18,431 --> 00:06:21,230
I've tried slops. Rotting pears.
107
00:06:21,231 --> 00:06:24,590
She loves the fruit
that has seen the maggot.
108
00:06:24,591 --> 00:06:26,871
We're talking now about the Empress.
Of course!
109
00:06:26,872 --> 00:06:30,070
M'pig's ill! She won't eat!
110
00:06:30,071 --> 00:06:32,790
Oh, God!
111
00:06:32,791 --> 00:06:34,910
That's terrible.
112
00:06:34,911 --> 00:06:38,309
Eh? Since when did you take
an interest in her appetite?
113
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,309
Since I bet 50 quid
on her being fattest pig!
114
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:44,589
Look, Guv'nor, fact is,
I find myself in Queer Street.
115
00:06:44,590 --> 00:06:47,269
I put a bit of crinkle into a show
at The Pink Pussy Club -
116
00:06:47,270 --> 00:06:49,591
the star being a lady I regard
rather highly -
117
00:06:49,592 --> 00:06:51,590
and the damn thing closed!
118
00:06:51,591 --> 00:06:53,511
Frederick, are you penniless again?
119
00:06:53,512 --> 00:06:58,350
Ha ha... Anyway, I thought, how to
extricate Frederick from this one?
120
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:01,269
The Guv'nor's porker romping it
as fattest pig!
121
00:07:01,270 --> 00:07:02,869
So I touched Oofy for 50 smackers,
122
00:07:02,870 --> 00:07:04,991
banged 'em on at six to one
and here I am.
123
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,511
Yes. In Queer Street. Quite.
124
00:07:08,591 --> 00:07:11,150
'Angela!
125
00:07:11,151 --> 00:07:13,351
'Angela!'
126
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:23,590
I'm trying to give the slip to that
loathsome blister Heacham!
127
00:07:23,591 --> 00:07:26,431
Curious behaviour, is it not, re.
The betrothed and beloved?
128
00:07:26,432 --> 00:07:29,191
Heacham is NOT my beloved!
129
00:07:30,111 --> 00:07:35,110
He is a prig and a bore and he has
this hideous little moustache,
130
00:07:35,111 --> 00:07:38,630
like a maggot crawled onto his lip
and died!
131
00:07:38,631 --> 00:07:42,030
Who is that?
Angela. Hiding from Heacham.
132
00:07:42,031 --> 00:07:44,791
Who's that? My father.
Hiding generally.
133
00:07:44,792 --> 00:07:48,190
Ah. Now. I want a word with him.
'Angela!'
134
00:07:48,191 --> 00:07:51,311
No, no, no! Ah! You haven't seen
your cousin, have you, Threepwood?
135
00:07:51,312 --> 00:07:55,230
Angela. Blonde hair framing
a fat-headed head.
136
00:07:55,231 --> 00:07:56,671
Bladder on a stick affair.
137
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,751
What? I did not speak.
138
00:08:01,831 --> 00:08:06,470
Nor does this drawing room seem
over-stocked with Angelas.
139
00:08:06,471 --> 00:08:10,830
If I were you, Heacham,
I'd go about my business.
140
00:08:10,831 --> 00:08:13,951
So. Tinkety-tonk.
141
00:08:20,631 --> 00:08:22,591
'Angela!'
142
00:08:25,391 --> 00:08:27,031
Who wants a toot?
143
00:08:28,431 --> 00:08:31,950
Throw Her Majesty a few of these
jammy dodgers.
144
00:08:31,951 --> 00:08:34,951
Very fattening for a pig
who needs to be fat.
145
00:08:37,471 --> 00:08:41,109
Blandings Castle. Are they all
completely round the bend?
146
00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:44,151
Aah, they're absolutely potty.
The whole ruddy crew.
147
00:08:48,711 --> 00:08:51,471
Psst! Cyril!
148
00:08:54,191 --> 00:08:55,590
What's to be done?
149
00:08:55,591 --> 00:08:58,189
We have to get the Empress
sluicing back the calories.
150
00:08:58,190 --> 00:09:01,069
If she doesn't win, then
I shan't be able to pay back Oofy,
151
00:09:01,070 --> 00:09:03,389
then he'll have me assassinated,
then I'll be dead
152
00:09:03,390 --> 00:09:05,869
and Felicity won't want to dance
with me any more!
153
00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:09,629
Felicity's the girl at the Pink
Pussy. God, I'm rather gone on her!
154
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:11,591
So, what's the matter with the pig?
155
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,950
She's pining for me.
156
00:09:13,951 --> 00:09:17,910
She won't be fed by anybody else.
Not even His Lordship.
157
00:09:17,911 --> 00:09:19,470
Cyril?
158
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:22,071
Take your clothes off.
159
00:09:26,791 --> 00:09:29,671
Ah, there she is!
160
00:09:31,711 --> 00:09:36,710
Come on, Empress.
Cyril, Cyril...
161
00:09:36,711 --> 00:09:38,511
Pure fat...
162
00:09:39,751 --> 00:09:44,390
Come on, yum, yum, yum, yum...
163
00:09:44,391 --> 00:09:47,711
Every last crumb...
164
00:09:49,351 --> 00:09:52,991
Broccoli! Broccoli!
165
00:10:07,871 --> 00:10:10,270
Have a good blow, Paleface.
166
00:10:10,271 --> 00:10:13,751
Jimmy!
167
00:10:16,591 --> 00:10:19,590
I knew you'd come for me!
168
00:10:19,591 --> 00:10:23,870
Oh, you're so stubbly!
169
00:10:23,871 --> 00:10:25,871
Well, I don't presently
have a razor.
170
00:10:25,872 --> 00:10:28,390
Oh, I don't care, it's adorable!
171
00:10:28,391 --> 00:10:32,030
Why not? Where are you staying?
Around.
172
00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:36,431
I've ridden the range, pa-tooty-pie,
with the hogs and the buffalo
173
00:10:36,432 --> 00:10:38,390
and the dang mules.
174
00:10:38,391 --> 00:10:41,030
Oh, darling!
175
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:43,110
What are dang mules?
176
00:10:43,111 --> 00:10:45,590
Erm... they're mules.
177
00:10:45,591 --> 00:10:48,831
They're, just a bit,
you know... DANG.
178
00:10:53,431 --> 00:10:54,710
Good.
179
00:10:54,711 --> 00:10:58,990
Now, listen to me.
180
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:01,071
ALL of you.
181
00:11:02,231 --> 00:11:06,230
I have reason to believe...
182
00:11:06,231 --> 00:11:08,831
we can expect an intruder.
183
00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:14,710
A certain undesirable person,
Jimmy Belford, who is a cowboy,
184
00:11:14,711 --> 00:11:17,911
may seek to make contact with
a member of the family.
185
00:11:17,912 --> 00:11:21,271
If you see anybody acting
suspiciously...
186
00:11:26,111 --> 00:11:28,470
Sorry!
187
00:11:28,471 --> 00:11:31,350
Oh it's you... Hello, Aunt.
188
00:11:31,351 --> 00:11:35,629
Frederick. When it comes to drooling
idiocy, you take the cake.
189
00:11:35,630 --> 00:11:38,711
If there's very much more
of this cretinous behaviour,
190
00:11:38,712 --> 00:11:41,390
do you know what I shall do? Oh.
191
00:11:41,391 --> 00:11:44,431
I shall go to my room.
192
00:11:47,231 --> 00:11:51,269
I say, is there anything I can
do about this fearful business?
193
00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:54,989
Uncommonly kind of you, my dear
fellow, but things look very black.
194
00:11:54,990 --> 00:11:57,791
According to Whiffle, she should be
consuming daily nourishment
195
00:11:57,792 --> 00:12:01,270
amounting to 57,800 calories.
196
00:12:01,271 --> 00:12:03,151
Very specific, is he, on that?
Rigorous.
197
00:12:03,152 --> 00:12:06,030
As it is, she eats nothing at all.
198
00:12:06,031 --> 00:12:09,789
She just lolls around on her bed,
flapping her palsied trotters.
199
00:12:09,790 --> 00:12:13,349
I'm giving very strong consideration
to inserting a rubber pipe.
200
00:12:13,350 --> 00:12:15,349
Emsworth, I give you fair warning.
201
00:12:15,350 --> 00:12:19,111
If you insert a rubber pipe into
Angela I shall take a very dim view.
202
00:12:19,112 --> 00:12:21,430
Now, why is she not eating?
203
00:12:21,431 --> 00:12:23,390
Angela?
204
00:12:23,391 --> 00:12:27,070
Angela eats like a ruddy
horse! Boisterous appetite.
205
00:12:27,071 --> 00:12:30,630
Yes, yes...
You're Heacham, aren't you?
206
00:12:30,631 --> 00:12:34,390
Well, the problem is very simple
to grasp there,
207
00:12:34,391 --> 00:12:37,109
she's in love with somebody else.
What?
208
00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:39,869
You see, she's going to marry him
instead. Any rate,
209
00:12:39,870 --> 00:12:43,471
Whiffle speaks very
highly of linseed. Worth a shot?
210
00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:47,350
Linseed? My pig's very life
may be in the balance.
211
00:12:47,351 --> 00:12:51,711
Curse all pigs! Damn
and blast every pig in existence!
212
00:13:00,351 --> 00:13:04,631
Forgive me, my lord. I have been
entertaining the magistrates' clerk
in my pantry.
213
00:13:05,631 --> 00:13:07,869
I have been lubricating
the gentleman with sherry.
214
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:11,189
Beach, your social life is your own
affair. Seize the day.
215
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,629
He has vouchsafed to me
the name of the Justice
216
00:13:13,630 --> 00:13:16,111
who gave Wellbeloved
a custodial sentence.
217
00:13:17,351 --> 00:13:19,111
It was Sir Gregory, my lord.
218
00:13:19,112 --> 00:13:22,510
Sir Gregory Parsloe...
219
00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:25,630
Parsloe?
220
00:13:25,631 --> 00:13:28,670
I see it all, Beach. It is treachery.
221
00:13:28,671 --> 00:13:31,110
Godless treachery. Do you see it?
222
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:34,149
It is observed below stairs,
my lord, that Sir Gregory's
that crooked
223
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:36,791
"he could hide behind
a spiral staircase."
224
00:13:36,792 --> 00:13:38,270
Damn it all!
225
00:13:38,271 --> 00:13:41,310
Parsloe has made a grievous howler.
226
00:13:41,311 --> 00:13:43,870
My dander is up. It is up, Beach!
227
00:13:43,871 --> 00:13:46,511
Do you hear? Up!
I shall inform the staff, sir.
228
00:13:46,512 --> 00:13:51,710
And bring me a contraption...
Chain... Ding-ding...
229
00:13:51,711 --> 00:13:54,711
Rubber things go round and round...
Bicycle!
230
00:14:03,431 --> 00:14:06,031
I'm rather in the mood
for a sticky willy...
231
00:14:06,032 --> 00:14:07,990
Now, look here, Parsloe...
232
00:14:07,991 --> 00:14:10,471
There's been raw dealings
with my pigman.
233
00:14:10,472 --> 00:14:12,550
Damned raw.
234
00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:15,270
Your pigman, sir, is a drunkard,
235
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:17,789
and a shameful exhibitioner
of his own undergarments.
236
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,669
Is there some law against
exhibiting undergarments?
237
00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:23,189
Of course there is, you fool!
Oh. Nevertheless...
238
00:14:23,190 --> 00:14:26,149
this is a rum do, Stinker,
a rum do... Enough!
239
00:14:26,150 --> 00:14:29,069
I will not
have my magisterial office insulted!
240
00:14:29,070 --> 00:14:32,149
I'm not insulting your office,
my dear fellow, I'm insulting you.
241
00:14:32,150 --> 00:14:33,949
Emsworth, you are dangerously
cuckoo.
242
00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:36,671
I have a mind to summon
the assistance of Lord Heacham.
243
00:14:36,672 --> 00:14:38,750
He boxed for Harrow. Harrow!
244
00:14:38,751 --> 00:14:41,311
Yes, I guessed he'd known
corruption in his youth.
245
00:14:41,312 --> 00:14:42,991
Bad form, Parsloe.
246
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:45,631
Bad form.
247
00:14:56,031 --> 00:14:58,511
Which way is, er...?
248
00:15:09,111 --> 00:15:12,951
Times like this, Frederick, I wish
your mother was still alive.
249
00:15:12,952 --> 00:15:15,631
She was so persuasive.
250
00:15:16,631 --> 00:15:19,629
She once put forth such a forceful
case for beetroot,
251
00:15:19,630 --> 00:15:21,831
I actually put some into my mouth.
252
00:15:23,351 --> 00:15:25,711
Ho! Ho! Is there someone there?
Someone there?
253
00:15:25,712 --> 00:15:28,070
Who's that with whatsername?
254
00:15:28,071 --> 00:15:30,831
Uncle Clarence, please!
You're blinding him!
255
00:15:30,832 --> 00:15:33,350
Oh, my dear fellow, I do apologise.
256
00:15:33,351 --> 00:15:37,509
That's all right, sir. Look here,
Angela tells me about your pig.
257
00:15:37,510 --> 00:15:40,591
Apparently she spurns the trough.
Why's that?
258
00:15:40,592 --> 00:15:45,390
Well, my pigman's been incarcerated
and she's got a broken heart.
259
00:15:45,391 --> 00:15:47,390
I know how she feels.
260
00:15:47,391 --> 00:15:49,910
Because you're Lord Heacham.
261
00:15:49,911 --> 00:15:54,110
No, sir. I'm not Heacham.
I'm the other bloke. Belford.
262
00:15:54,111 --> 00:15:57,069
Oh, you're the one I like. Well,
you will like me a whole lot more
263
00:15:57,070 --> 00:15:59,189
when I get your pig
back on the grub!
264
00:15:59,190 --> 00:16:00,989
What, you think
you can make her eat...?
265
00:16:00,990 --> 00:16:03,111
Oh, I can do better than that...
266
00:16:03,112 --> 00:16:05,870
I can teach YOU how to make her eat.
267
00:16:05,871 --> 00:16:09,230
Angela, this Mr Belford of yours,
is... I know!
268
00:16:09,231 --> 00:16:14,070
What a wonderful, INDISPENSABLE
sort of person he must be.
269
00:16:14,071 --> 00:16:15,830
Tell him, Jimmy.
270
00:16:15,831 --> 00:16:18,950
It's called the Universal Hog-Call.
271
00:16:18,951 --> 00:16:20,909
Yes, yes, yes, of course...
Of course.
272
00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:22,989
I've no idea what you're
talking about.
273
00:16:22,990 --> 00:16:25,469
No pig will eat
unless summoned by her pigman.
274
00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:29,151
His call is peculiar to him.
Nothing else will do. However...
275
00:16:29,152 --> 00:16:32,910
there is, in extremis,
a master-word
276
00:16:32,911 --> 00:16:36,789
that can be used by anybody
that will rouse her like... that.
277
00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:39,711
I understand this, Belford.
I beg you, tell me the word.
278
00:16:41,911 --> 00:16:46,991
Pig-hoo-o-o-o-ey!
279
00:16:50,111 --> 00:16:54,150
Pig-hooo-o-o-o-ey?
280
00:16:54,151 --> 00:16:57,110
No, no, no, not like that.
Like this:
281
00:16:57,111 --> 00:17:02,590
Pig-hooo-o-o-o-ey!
282
00:17:02,591 --> 00:17:07,431
Pig-hooo-eeeey!
..PIGWHOOOOOOOAYY...
283
00:17:09,791 --> 00:17:12,111
Give a little more body
to the "hoo".
284
00:17:12,112 --> 00:17:16,950
PIGWHOOOOOOOAYY...
285
00:17:16,951 --> 00:17:20,231
Throw your head back. The second
syllable rises to a shrill falsetto
286
00:17:20,232 --> 00:17:22,551
and give it some gas!
287
00:17:23,871 --> 00:17:29,070
PIG-HOOO-O-O-O-EY!
288
00:17:29,071 --> 00:17:32,271
Shush, shush, the Empress is asleep,
we'll wake her up.
289
00:17:32,272 --> 00:17:36,270
Oh, Beach! Still up?
290
00:17:36,271 --> 00:17:38,991
Lady Constance would like to see
you, my lord.
291
00:17:39,911 --> 00:17:41,750
At your convenience.
292
00:17:41,751 --> 00:17:44,350
Convenience be damned. AGH!
293
00:17:44,351 --> 00:17:48,270
Belford! Beach, call the police!
294
00:17:48,271 --> 00:17:51,350
On what premise, Your Ladyship?
295
00:17:51,351 --> 00:17:54,230
Trespass! Burglary!
296
00:17:54,231 --> 00:17:57,869
Loitering with intent to commit
ravishment! Oh, good heavens!
297
00:17:57,870 --> 00:18:00,789
Lady Constance, if you'll permit
me... Oh! Assault and battery!
298
00:18:00,790 --> 00:18:03,429
Clarence!
Will you make Beach call the police?
299
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:07,031
Err... Beach, be a good fellow and
make yourself call the police.
300
00:18:07,032 --> 00:18:08,791
Very well, my lord.
301
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,470
Clarence?
302
00:18:13,471 --> 00:18:16,391
Oh, no, no, Connie.
Please, please, I beg of you.
303
00:18:16,392 --> 00:18:18,950
Don't say those awful words...
304
00:18:18,951 --> 00:18:22,190
I am going... She's going to say it.
Yes.
305
00:18:22,191 --> 00:18:25,191
To my room. Oh, dear...
306
00:18:29,671 --> 00:18:34,950
So. This thug attempted to lay
violent hands on Lady Constance.
307
00:18:34,951 --> 00:18:37,350
I did no such thing.
Silence!
308
00:18:37,351 --> 00:18:40,791
He did no such thing. Are you
calling your Aunt Constance a liar?
309
00:18:40,792 --> 00:18:43,670
Ah... Look, Stinker.
310
00:18:43,671 --> 00:18:48,590
I mean, Sir Gregory, erm, err...
311
00:18:48,591 --> 00:18:50,670
Man to man.
312
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:53,631
Fat pig-wise, Jimmy's the only
chance the Guv'nor has
313
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:56,190
to square up to you in a fair fight.
314
00:18:56,191 --> 00:18:58,111
Have a heart.
315
00:18:59,351 --> 00:19:00,791
In you go...
316
00:19:06,431 --> 00:19:08,231
Room for a little 'un?
317
00:19:12,791 --> 00:19:15,629
Ah! Beach.
Sorry to beard you in your lair,
318
00:19:15,630 --> 00:19:17,669
but there's been the most colossal
ding-dong
319
00:19:17,670 --> 00:19:19,511
and I cannot find the Guv'nor.
320
00:19:19,512 --> 00:19:20,991
Let him in, Beach.
321
00:19:22,431 --> 00:19:24,311
Oh!
322
00:19:26,631 --> 00:19:31,550
Behold your father, Frederick.
The toad beneath the harrow.
323
00:19:31,551 --> 00:19:33,830
Oh, Guv'nor...
324
00:19:33,831 --> 00:19:36,509
Aunt Connie is pretty
batey just now, but...
325
00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:40,191
I've completely forgotten it,
you see. The universal summons.
326
00:19:40,192 --> 00:19:45,390
Right. Err... Well, I can't
remember it either.
327
00:19:45,391 --> 00:19:48,351
We need to rally the family
synapses, sharpish.
328
00:19:48,352 --> 00:19:50,310
What's our first move?
329
00:19:50,311 --> 00:19:53,189
A small sherry, Mr Frederick?
Oh, God, yes, essential,
330
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:55,909
thank you. And Beach, damn it.
Less of the "small".
331
00:19:55,910 --> 00:19:58,949
Very well, sir.
Come on, Guv'nor. On your feet.
332
00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:00,471
Give it your best shot.
333
00:20:05,311 --> 00:20:06,631
Right, erm...
334
00:20:08,991 --> 00:20:11,750
PIGWAAARRGHHH... Oh!
335
00:20:11,751 --> 00:20:15,871
For God's sake, Emsworth,
get a grip!
336
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:21,590
PIGWHEEEEEEEZZ!
337
00:20:21,591 --> 00:20:23,511
Oh, it's futile!
338
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:30,430
Oh, Beach, your pantry is obviously
the spot for a mid-morning orgy!
339
00:20:30,431 --> 00:20:33,390
Angela! The universal call...
340
00:20:33,391 --> 00:20:35,670
Oh, it's no use asking me.
341
00:20:35,671 --> 00:20:39,070
I am but a feeble pawn
in your desperate game.
342
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,231
Beach! You do it.
I do not summon pigs, my lord.
343
00:20:42,232 --> 00:20:45,750
Wait a tick. I think I've got it!
344
00:20:45,751 --> 00:20:50,271
PIGABALABABABBA!
345
00:20:54,951 --> 00:20:59,390
Jimmy Belford's in prison,
you're useless, I'm useless,
346
00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:02,511
you're a desperate prawn,
Beach does not summon pigs.
347
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:04,351
Very well.
348
00:21:06,271 --> 00:21:09,390
Let us consult the Empress.
349
00:21:09,391 --> 00:21:12,909
The perfidious Parsloe shall not
rob me of this triumph, Freddie.
350
00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:15,591
Never mind your ruddy triumph,
what about my 50 quid?
351
00:21:15,592 --> 00:21:18,550
Clarence. I am come down.
352
00:21:18,551 --> 00:21:22,590
This imbecility regarding
Jimmy Belford must stop!
353
00:21:22,591 --> 00:21:24,590
Hoy! Don't you "hoy" me!
354
00:21:24,591 --> 00:21:27,031
You're a gull and an oaf
and a nincompoop!
355
00:21:27,032 --> 00:21:29,790
Nevertheless, I want to see m'pig!
356
00:21:29,791 --> 00:21:33,391
Belford drooling over Angela right
under your nose -
357
00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:34,870
it's impossible!
358
00:21:34,871 --> 00:21:37,709
The man was born
to an unsuitable station in life
359
00:21:37,710 --> 00:21:40,069
and the sooner he's reconciled
to it, the better.
360
00:21:40,070 --> 00:21:43,311
That's all there is to be said.
Well, I hate to disagree...
361
00:21:43,312 --> 00:21:47,150
Then don't! You know, if you two
actually succeed
362
00:21:47,151 --> 00:21:49,511
in scuppering my marriage to Jimmy,
363
00:21:49,512 --> 00:21:52,470
I will hurl myself
from the battlements!
364
00:21:52,471 --> 00:21:54,030
Splat!
365
00:21:54,031 --> 00:21:57,431
Thwarted niece,
all over the begonias.
366
00:21:58,991 --> 00:22:03,111
Just for once, do something to
deserve the name of Emsworth.
367
00:22:09,391 --> 00:22:11,511
I say!
368
00:22:12,751 --> 00:22:16,191
Why don't I have a bit of a chinwag
with Constable Evans?
369
00:22:17,791 --> 00:22:19,230
No?
370
00:22:19,231 --> 00:22:22,471
But Constable, it's a ten-year-old
malt from the Isle of Scrawnsporran!
371
00:22:22,472 --> 00:22:24,870
Scrawnsporran?
372
00:22:24,871 --> 00:22:27,151
Well, I never!
373
00:22:30,951 --> 00:22:32,991
Ah!
374
00:22:42,991 --> 00:22:45,271
Night-night.
375
00:22:47,911 --> 00:22:51,590
Jimmy Belford. Shush!
376
00:22:51,591 --> 00:22:53,550
Jimmy Belford.
377
00:22:53,551 --> 00:22:56,870
If I release you,
do you give me your word
378
00:22:56,871 --> 00:23:00,470
you'll return yourself to custard
within the hour?
379
00:23:00,471 --> 00:23:02,711
Can I spend some of that hour
kissing Angela?
380
00:23:02,712 --> 00:23:05,190
Oh, rather!
381
00:23:05,191 --> 00:23:09,111
But you must also talk to
the Guv'nor about his...
382
00:23:10,711 --> 00:23:13,630
pig. Shush!
383
00:23:13,631 --> 00:23:16,590
Wiggy wiggy wig.
384
00:23:16,591 --> 00:23:19,991
PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH!
385
00:23:21,031 --> 00:23:25,071
PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH!
386
00:23:26,271 --> 00:23:29,750
PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH!
387
00:23:29,751 --> 00:23:36,390
No! No! No! Definitely taking the
scenic route on the arpeggio.
388
00:23:36,391 --> 00:23:38,430
Your call, Uncle Clarence.
389
00:23:38,431 --> 00:23:43,591
It couldn't summon the skin
off a rice pudding. Look and learn.
390
00:23:46,471 --> 00:23:52,191
PIG-HOO-O-O-O-EY!
391
00:24:10,831 --> 00:24:14,710
My dear, dear fellow. Belford.
392
00:24:14,711 --> 00:24:19,950
Be my guest. Erm... Marry erm...
this one.
393
00:24:19,951 --> 00:24:22,551
Congratulations, my dear.
394
00:24:28,551 --> 00:24:30,511
Capital...
395
00:24:34,351 --> 00:24:40,310
Right. Right. Good.
Well, enjoyed our little chat.
396
00:24:40,311 --> 00:24:43,511
All prisoners present and correct?
Splendid.
397
00:24:50,791 --> 00:24:56,551
Did I, erm... suggest a plan
of action that actually worked...?
398
00:24:58,911 --> 00:25:03,471
'Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Shropshire Show...'
399
00:25:04,911 --> 00:25:07,030
You may smirk, Sir Gregory.
400
00:25:07,031 --> 00:25:10,230
You may snigger
up your perjured sleeve.
401
00:25:10,231 --> 00:25:14,031
But you will rue your shabby
conduct, soon enough.
402
00:25:19,511 --> 00:25:21,031
Ah!
403
00:25:23,351 --> 00:25:27,070
Ah, ha! Ready. That surprised you.
404
00:25:27,071 --> 00:25:31,870
Ready for what? A gypsy funeral?
A carnival of grotesques?
405
00:25:31,871 --> 00:25:35,469
A convocation of imbibers
of turpentine and methylated spirit?
406
00:25:35,470 --> 00:25:37,431
Don't entirely catch your drift.
407
00:25:37,432 --> 00:25:40,790
I shall continue snowing.
If you wear that hat
408
00:25:40,791 --> 00:25:44,550
to the Shropshire Show,
I shall eviscerate you
409
00:25:44,551 --> 00:25:48,269
with a small, blunt spoon,
ill-adapted for the purpose.
410
00:25:48,270 --> 00:25:50,949
Is there any point to what
you're going to say?
411
00:25:50,950 --> 00:25:53,311
Hat. Patrician bearing
and chop, chop!
412
00:26:00,511 --> 00:26:04,230
So, how's your pig, Emsworth?
413
00:26:04,231 --> 00:26:06,310
In the pink, Sir Gregory...
414
00:26:06,311 --> 00:26:08,990
'Next, we have our Middle White,
415
00:26:08,991 --> 00:26:11,311
'the Empress of Blandings...'
416
00:26:14,951 --> 00:26:19,991
'The winner of the Fattest Pig is...
the Empress!'
417
00:26:29,631 --> 00:26:34,070
Oh, hello, Connie. Hello, erm...
Heacham. I'm Lord Heacham.
418
00:26:34,071 --> 00:26:36,591
Good for you, sir.
Is everything being accomplished
419
00:26:36,592 --> 00:26:40,590
to my satisfaction
and to the family's honour?
420
00:26:40,591 --> 00:26:43,591
I think so, my dear.
Would you say so, Clarence?
421
00:26:43,592 --> 00:26:47,350
I would, my dear.
422
00:26:47,351 --> 00:26:49,069
Then how do you account for this?
423
00:26:49,070 --> 00:26:50,949
A fellow can't be held accountable
424
00:26:50,950 --> 00:26:53,549
for another fellow's
ill-advised moustache, y'know...
425
00:26:53,550 --> 00:26:55,469
I come to give you formal notice,
Emsworth,
426
00:26:55,470 --> 00:26:57,749
that I am breaking off my engagement
to your niece.
427
00:26:57,750 --> 00:26:59,991
Which one? I've several, y'know.
Oh!
428
00:26:59,992 --> 00:27:02,190
Angela. The fat-headed one.
429
00:27:02,191 --> 00:27:03,669
Oh, well, that's all right!
430
00:27:03,670 --> 00:27:05,791
You can break off with Angela
till the cows come home!
431
00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:09,990
She's marrying somebody else,
that's fine and dandy.
432
00:27:09,991 --> 00:27:13,590
Lord! Is that Wellbeloved?
433
00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:17,510
Wellbeloved! Are you out
of prison? Hurrah!
434
00:27:17,511 --> 00:27:20,670
The Guv'nor really is incorrigible!
435
00:27:20,671 --> 00:27:22,829
I don't know what that means,
but he's it.
436
00:27:22,830 --> 00:27:24,831
Anyway, his pig saved my bacon.
437
00:27:24,832 --> 00:27:29,230
I may still be in with a shout
with Felicity from the Pussy.
438
00:27:29,231 --> 00:27:31,909
There's a lad running a book on
which one of those goaty things
439
00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:34,389
is going to be the first to drop
a you-know-what.
440
00:27:34,390 --> 00:27:38,109
I fancy the spotty one. Been
eating a heck of a lot of cabbage.
441
00:27:38,110 --> 00:27:40,991
I'm in for a tenner.
Do you feel lucky, Aunt C?
442
00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:44,671
Oh! Angela! Come back here.
443
00:27:47,071 --> 00:27:50,470
Oh, I know just how you feel.
444
00:27:50,471 --> 00:27:54,991
She's in showroom condition, m'lord.
You took care of her.
445
00:27:56,151 --> 00:27:58,430
Grand of you to have me back.
446
00:27:58,431 --> 00:28:00,750
Nonsense. Mind you, Wellbeloved...
447
00:28:00,751 --> 00:28:03,831
what have you learned
from this period of absence?
448
00:28:05,551 --> 00:28:11,030
When I see a pint of beer, I'm going
to say, get thee behind me.
449
00:28:11,031 --> 00:28:14,311
Wouldn't that make it rather tricky
to get hold of the glass? Hmmm.
450
00:28:15,311 --> 00:28:17,791
Yeah. You have a point. Hmmm.
451
00:28:20,831 --> 00:28:25,511
What have you learned, m'lord?
What have I learned?
452
00:28:29,551 --> 00:28:35,831
PIG-HOO-O-O-O-EY!
453
00:28:41,827 --> 00:29:05,840
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