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(Sirens wailing)

- Today, you'll be performing a full clinical autopsy,

starting with an abdominal examination.

Once you've freed the intestines,

you're to do a complete organ check

and a fluid assessment.

You can begin now.

Everything OK there, Alana?

- Uh, yes.

All fine, Professor Reycraft.

- You did well on that tox test last week.

Just make the first incision.

It's easy-going after that.

- (Mitchy): You let her kill me.

I died because of you, Alana.

You think you can spend your life helping people

when everyone around you dies?

- No! Aaah!

(Scalpel falling)

- Alana? Are you OK?

(Breathing shakily)

- I can't--I can't do this.

- (Podcast host): And, dear listeners,

the body of our notorious killer Carne,

was suspiciously never found,

despite days of extensive searching by law enforcement.

Cover-up? Paranormal mystery?

Was Carne a patsy for someone far more devious on the train?

We'll leave that up to you to decide at the end of--

- I can't.

- Yes, Alana, you can.

Here, you need to eat.

- No, I'm--I'm not hungry.

- You're not eating.

You're barely sleeping.

You're a med student.

You know that's not good for you.

- I just don't have the energy.

- If I have to feed you myself, I will.

(Sighing)

- Thanks, Claudia.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Eat, sleep, study, repeat.

- I'm this close to getting kicked out.

And then, it's bye-bye scholarship.

- They need to give you a break.

- Oh, they have.

Several times.

- You've been through hell.

- So?

A surgeon can't have any distractions.

It's no excuse.

- Alana, you faced down a murderer,

saw horrible things happen to your friends and boyfriend

and you were stabbed.

It's gonna take time.

- My therapist says that I need to face my fears,

that I'm...

(Sighing)

...letting that night control my life.

- I--I mean, she's right.

K, crazy idea, don't be mad.

- "Kill the old year,

"breathe life into the new one

on the terror train"?

- It's a real event!

And I know it sounds crazy,

but I like their take on it.

"Whole new year, whole new you."

That's what we want, right?

- On that train?

OK, there's no fucking way.

- Your therapist is telling you to face your fears, right?

To control them,

rather than allowing them to control you.

What better way is there to wipe away all this anxiety

than to go back to where it all started?

Nothing else is working, Alana.

- It's not like I haven't been trying.

- It was one night.

It's not fair that one night gets to destroy everything

you want out of life.

- That one night felt like it lasted a lifetime.

- You're strong.

You can do this.

(Inhaling deeply)

- "Whole new year, whole new me."

- Hey! - Wow.

- Ground zero, mon capitain .

- Yeah.

Yeah, it feels weird to actually see it again.

But it's good, you know?

I'm glad I'm making this happen.

Tonight, we are going to erase all the brutal history

and just--

- Um, not to be, uh, pedagogic...

(Chuckling)

...but you can't erase something

that's already happened.

Perhaps the word you're looking for is a cleansing.

- Fine.

We are cleansing our frat of all bad associations

with this whole murderous fiasco.

- Probably more of a rebranding.

You know what, either way, with me here, man,

you're guaranteed it will go off without a hitch.

The Wil is on it.

One hundo P, Prez. Boof!

By the way, this outfit is flyzo.

- Yeah, thank you.

- Let me fix this for you. - Thank you.

- You know, they say whatever you're doing

at midnight on New Year's Eve

is what you're gonna end up doing for the rest of the year.

(Exhaling sharply)

- A year spent herding murder-obsessed,

privileged college kids onto a train?

Kill me now.

- Honestly, I'd have thought they would have scrapped

this train after everything that happened.

- Well, they spent a few months scrubbing out the blood stains.

And then they slapped on a new coat of paint.

Now, the terror train is as good as new.

- Well, I'm here to make sure

that what happened last time doesn't happen again.

- I don't think Carne could have been stopped last time,

even if we'd had security.

- My black belt in karate says otherwise.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck is with all this?

- Your fancy New Year's Eve party was lacking a theme.

So, it's me and my Petettes to the rescue!

- Uh, I'm sorry, your what?

- My Petettes.

You're not on Murder Fiend?

- Oh, that creepy app?

Well, people kept trying to add me, but no way.

- You should be.

It's totes legit. - Mm-hmm.

- It's run by some secret ex-cop or detective.

And as a terror train survivor,

you'd be more popular than Carne in a knife shop.

- Um, not funny.

And we do have a theme. It's--

- Right, it's: "Kill the old year to ring in the new one.

Blah, blah, blah, blah."

- Hey, hey, hey!

I think it's nice. - Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- And I think if you're gonna party on the terror train...

you should embrace it.

- Yeah, I'm throwing this party

to get over the past, not to wallow in it.

(Clicking tongue)

- OK, well, this one-way ticket to Snoresville didn't sell out

until I blasted it all over Murder Fiend.

So, money-losing embarrassment for your frat,

rammed PR opportunity...

(Exhaling sharply)

You kind of owe me.

- Ladies, stay back.

Car one, exoskeleton intact,

though, uh, it could use some de-rusting.

What's up?

I'm just ensuring you fine young ladies

ride in absolute safety.

- Don't do that.

- No, they need to know I didn't come unprepared.

This little baby... - Oh...

- ...will silence the lambs if the lambs start squawking.

- Wow, yeah, that is really impressive.

- And if the S-H really I-Ts the fan...

(High-pitched): Aaah.

(Normal voice): And I take a, "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

Kill them all and let God sort them out," approach.

- Put that thing away.

- OK, what is with the geek squad

playing cops and lame-os?

- I--I know exactly what it is now,

what you're going for.

You--you... That's a...

No, the real Pet has fucking...

(Whistling)

...out to here and an ass, I mean, a bit, well--

- I am the real Pet.

And you are a sexist little creep.

- Oh my.

Paraphrasing the Book of Daniel,

never meet your heroes, lest their feet be made of clay.

(Sighing)

- I know. I'm sorry.

He's a--a Kavenlow.

Basically, a--a legacy for our frat,

so we had to let him in.

- (Woman): Oh my God.

- Fuck me with a chainsaw.

Who invited him?

- Well, he's actually performing tonight.

(Exhaling sharply)

- And you're not wallowing in the past at all.

- Ready to get your New Year's on?

Wow!

You look amazing!

- Claudia, I don't think I can do this.

- Hey...

Yes, you can.

Seriously, you don't realize how strong you are.

(Scoffing)

- You keep saying that,

but I sure don't feel very strong.

- Listen, the same woman who faced down a murderer

can sure as heck handle a ride on a killer-free train.

And...

I'll be right here for anything you need.

But you know what your therapist would say:

"Take the first step yourself."

The first step as the new you.

(Exhaling slowly)

Let's go.

- Yeah.

- Hocus brocus, look who it is.

Pardon the intrusion, but I need to know.

How did you survive your many mortal wounds

that horrible night?

Was it magic?

- Nope. I'm just a plain old escape artist.

- Wait, you're saying you escaped death?

How?

- A magician never reveals his secrets.

(Scoffing)

(Exhaling slowly)

(Inhaling deeply, exhaling slowly)

Here we go again.

- Holy fuck.

- Is there a problem?

- Not a security problem. So, you can stand down.

Just can't believe who's showing up

to this train wreck.

- Bad joke, boss.

And, besides, you came back.

- Yeah, well, job offers weren't exactly rolling in

after last time.

- Hmm.

- These folks...

- Let's just hope lightning doesn't strike twice.

- OK, everyone, welcome.

This year, we have security.

And they will be enforcing a very strict set of rules,

starting with no smoking of any kind.

- (Man): Ah, what?

- And, obviously, there will be no weapons,

costume or otherwise.

- It's gonna be a fun, safe night.

And now, the train is connected to the rest of the world

via a very strong Wi-Fi satellite signal.

So, you can post till

your little New Year's Eve heart's content.

OK, everyone, you can start boarding.

And once we're all on the train, we'll be off and running.

(Crowd cheering)

- State of the art, my ass.

Look it, this signal's basic AF.

- It's fine. - No, it's not.

It should be super-fine, man.

I'm telling you. She said state of the art.

This isn't shit.

I'll see what I can do to give it that juice.

I'm gonna check the cars.

I'm... Listen, I got a few things to do.

- Whatever. But the train's boarding, so don't miss it.

- I'm not gonna miss it.

(Indistinct chatter)

Negatory on incendiary.

Car two, A1 go.

Repeat, Car two's a go.

- See?

Over-the-top safe.

(Indistinct chatter)

(Sighing)

- You OK?

- Uh, I'm fine.

- OK. Hurry, I really gotta drain the main vein.

(Exhaling slowly)

(Urinating)

(Metal clanging)

(Urinating)

(Train whistling)

(Talking, indistinct)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

- OK, people, last call!

- Hey! No, no, no, no!

Hey, come on! Don't forget the Wil!

Wait, I'm here!

(Train whistling)

Nobody. Oof, mine.

Oh, shit! Holy f...

(Chuckling)

You scared the shit out of me.

What are you doing?

I'm not sure what you're on, friend, but, you know, like--

Ah!

(Breathing shakily)

- What's going on?

(Sobbing)

I ca-can't do this!

- Alana, what's going on?

Alana, I...

- What is it?

- I-it turns out your friend, Pet--

- She's not my friend.

- She's hijacked this event and has turned it into

some quasi true crime terror train reunion.

(Sighing)

- You knew about this?

- OK, I may have gotten the sense of it this morning--

- You should've told me before I got on!

- Look, I know it's fucked up,

but if you want to face your fears,

this is facing your fears all the way.

- No, this is completely disrespectful.

- O-of course. Completely.

So, we can do one of two things.

- We can't do anything. I'm trapped on here.

- Ask to stop the train.

- They won't stop it!

- Go back to the apartment

and ring in the New Year in front of the TV.

Or we can stay on board

and stop letting fear control us.

- We aren't doing anything.

It's me.

- You're right.

I--I'm sorry, but I will be right there with you.

(Inhaling, exhaling deeply)

- Everywhere I look around, I see memories.

None of them are good.

- I know.

But they're just memories.

That's all.

OK?

- I can do this.

- Yeah. You totally can!

- Yeah.

(Sniffling)

- Holy muerte mother of murder!

You're her! Alana, can I ha--

- No, you can't!

- Whoa, just calm down.

- I will when you back the fuck down.

- Ooh! - Real people over here.

And trust me, you don't want to see me when I'm angry.

- (Sarcastically): Ooh, I'm so scared.

(Chuckling)

This bitch thinks she's some superhero or something?

Take a chill pill.

(Exhaling sharply)

- OK, wow. - Yeah.

Something about you brings out my mean mama-bear claws.

But you've got this, Alana.

You do.

- Yeah.

- There you go, my Petettes.

Happy New Year's. Stabs and hisses!

(Kissing)

- Hey, could I grab a screaming selfie?

- Of course.

They're just $10.

- Wait, seriously?

- Oh, but you get a selfie with me,

which means you'll for sure get hundreds of new followers.

That's a bargain.

- Yeah, it would be for a selfie with Alana.

You know, someone who actually fought Carne.

Tsk-tsk.

Hey!

- This hierarchy of victimhood is gross

and completely disrespectful.

- Say what now?

- I'm the one that made this.

I mean, I put the call out to all my fans who, it turns out,

are totes fickle

and complete Alana sycophants blinded by her bullshit.

I mean, like, hello?

We all survived that bloodbath.

(Sighing)

Hi!

Streaming live from the terror train,

giving you a little reunion with some of my core survivors.

My BFF Merry.

- Hey, hey, hey! Mortuary Merry here.

- And the Prez!

It's weird being back.

But we're doing it for you, because you wanted it.

More soon.

Stabs and kisses.

(Kissing)

For a train terror survivor, major corpse vibes just now.

- Yeah, because I organized all this

to put that awful night behind us.

- Hey, we all deal with surviving in our own ways, OK?

- But that night fucked us up.

So, I say we monetize it

and turn those lemons into Cristal.

- Mmm, yes.

Champagne would be very nice right now

and very New Year's.

(Breathing shakily)

- OK? Alana, you're OK.

(Breathing shakily)

You're OK!

- Alana's here?

- Did you invite her?

- What? No, no, of course not.

I never thought she'd show up in a million years.

- You're OK. We talked about this.

(Breathing shakily)

Everything's OK. It's not real!

(Sobbing)

- Stop saying it's OK when it's obviously not OK!

I need--I need space.

- A-alana!

♪♪ ...my demons ♪

♪ All my thoughts are committing treason ♪

♪ All alone who gonna hear me screaming? Ah ♪

♪ Manifestations of my fears

♪ Regret that's stretched out for light-years ♪

♪ Can almost touch the light Homie, it's right there ♪

♪ Body free but trapped in my nightmares ♪

♪ Wake me up Don't let me drown ♪

♪ All the lights are fading now ♪♪

- Someone get Alana an adult diaper!

'Cause girl just lost her shit?

It makes me wonder if she's really such a hero

or if she just got lucky

and now can't handle the pressure.

It's sad.

- That's an understatement.

- I know, right?

Like, since when did Alana become so extra?

- Maybe when she saw a sicko like you trying

to turn a tragedy into your own personal brand

for some lame-ass murder app.

- Hypocrite alert.

- Excuse me?

- Ah! Guess what, babe?

People are here tonight to gawk at you,

not to experience your magique .

- You know, I wish Carne had done the world a favor...

and sliced that smug smile off your face.

- Hear that?

He just threatened me.

Psycho!

- Maybe it wasn't such a good idea coming here tonight.

I need a drink.

(Sighing)

- And I need to go back to my Petettes.

Hi, guys.

Did you see how scary he was?

I know.

OK, now make sure you get my good side, OK?

♪♪ Wake me up Don't let me drown ♪

♪ All the lights are fading now ♪

♪ Wake me up don't let me drown ♪

♪ All the lights are fading now ♪

♪ All the lights are fading now ♪♪

(Sighing)

(Knocking on door, sighing)

- Sorry, Claudia.

I just need a few minutes alone, please.

(Door unlocking, opening)

- Can I come in?

- O-of course, sorry.

I--I probably shouldn't even be in here right now.

- No, it's OK.

I just wanted to know why the door was locked.

- Oh.

That's because some of the fans

that I didn't expect to see here tonight are just--

- Creepy as fuck?

- Yeah.

- You're here.

(Chuckling)

You came to this.

- Surprise!

(Talking, indistinct)

(Laughing)

Looks like we're both determined to make this

as awkward as possible, huh?

- Yeah, looks that way.

- Can I go first

since I'm the one who owes you an apology?

- Go ahead.

(Exhaling sharply)

- Taking Carne's job, I just didn't understand,

after everything we went through, how you could--

- Step foot on this train?

Let alone take her job.

I know.

Believe me,

this is the last place I thought I'd be,

but I just needed to work.

And the raise helped.

(Laughing)

- I understand.

I'm sorry for being such a self-involved jerk.

- You know what the fucked up thing is?

I mean, yes, it was hard.

The first shift I had, I had a panic attack.

But since then, it's almost been sort of--

- Therapeutic? - Yeah, in a way.

I think it's helped me work through this.

Is that why you're here?

Put all this stuff behind you?

- God no. I'm here for the fans.

(Laughing)

Carne didn't kill me,

but my life will never be the same.

- Carne's dead.

- We don't know that. They never found her body.

- Well, I'm glad you're here.

And though it might be overwhelming in this train

full of stone-cold weirdos...

(Chuckling)

...we should try and get out there.

Have fun.

Take your power back.

- I will. I promise.

- Good.

- And New Year's resolution,

to always be there for each other.

- Always.

Do you want me to lock that door?

- Oh, yes.

Thank you.

♪♪ We gonna take it, gonna take it, gonna take it ♪

♪ Gonna take it, gonna take it ♪

♪ Gonna take it, gonna take it

♪ Gonna take it, gonna take it ♪♪

(Exhaling slowly)

- Hello, my Petettes!

What a lively party for such a deadly train!

(Crowd cheering)

OK, now, scream like Carne just stabbed you

with a meat cleaver.

(Crowd screaming)

Now, laugh like you just saw Carne die in front of you.

(Crowd laughing)

Now, scream as if you just walked into Jackson dead

on the bathroom.

(Crowd screaming)

Now, let's dance!

(Crowd cheering)

(♪ Pop playing on PA, lyrics indistinct ♪)

(Knocking on door)

- Hold on a sec.

(Exhaling sharply)

(Gasping, breathing shakily)

OK, that costume is in really bad taste

on a train that is drowning in bad taste.

(Sighing)

I just want to ring in the New Year with my friends.

If you want a picture with me, fine.

But after that, I'm off limits.

You know what? Fuck you!

(Grunting, screaming)

Help! Somebody help me please!

Help! Please help!

(Grunting)

(Breathing heavily)

- Are you OK? - It's Carne! She's back!

- No, it's not.

- Oh my God!

Oh!

Ah, you broke my fucking nose!

- Happy New Year.

- I'm gonna sue you.

You and that fucking coward!

- What's that? - Ah!

- You want to say that again?

- You're psychotic!

- I've never sawn a woman in half,

at least not with an axe.

Sure like to try, though.

- Hey, hey, it's OK. Just let her go.

- What the hell are you doing? - He's trying to kill me!

- No, I'm teaching not to chase people through a train

with a real fucking axe!

Here.

- That's mine.

- You get out of here!

And you, stick to your stupid magic tricks.

- When we get back,

you're gonna hear from my lawyers.

Guaranteed!

- Well, I think she's going to sue you.

- I've survived worse.

(Chuckling)

What? - Yeah, nothing.

I'm--I'm just surprised to see you here tonight.

- Who doesn't love a magic show?

I've gotta make a buck, Alana.

I know it's hard, but try not to judge?

- Well, want to get a drink?

- How about 10?

(Chuckling)

- Goddamn dick-ass magician.

Fuck him and that fucking coward.

Ugh!

So, I'm just a train conductor now?

(Sighing)

"Hey, I'm gonna fine you for not having your tickets."

So scary.

I need a goddamn axe.

Ah!

- I'll say one thing about this train,

at least the drinks are free.

(Laughing)

- This is so sick.

He's bleeding like a stuck pig!

- What the fuck?

- They're never scrubbing this off the Internet, no way.

- What do you think you're doing?

These are real people. And they lost their lives!

- (Doc): Someone help!

- What's wrong with you?

(Grunting, glass shattering)

- Alana, chill!

- Chill?

That "cool" video, that was Mo!

He was my boyfriend.

- There we go again.

Making it all about you.

- What the hell does that mean?

- Wow.

It must be so hard

being the most famous final girl in existence.

(Sniffing)

- Fame is the last thing I want.

You don't know me, Pet.

You never did.

(Sighing)

- I know this much.

Mo spent his last night on Earth

exactly where he wanted...

(Exhaling slowly)

...with me.

- What the fuck did you just say to me?

- Enough! - Get off me!

- OK, OK.

- Let's--let's take this outside.

(Indistinct chatter)

- Let's just calm all this down, OK?

There's no need for it.

- Everyone that was here that night

is having a shit time.

- Yeah, everyone except her.

- I'm not the one trashing people's things.

- No, you just hijacked what was a night of healing

with your groupies.

- I'm just giving my fans what they want.

- What you want. - Pet.

Oh, come on!

Give us some space! OK?

- What do you do,

chase after people in car crashes too?

Upload it to YouTube?

- I am so sorry.

I just...

I can't believe it's really you guys, here.

- Well, it's us. We're real. Real people with real feelings.

- Especially tonight.

- I totally get why you're angry.

I got carried away, which is lame, I know.

But, you guys, you're heroes.

- Ah, Jesus.

- I really hope

I didn't make anything worse tonight, really!

- It's--it's fine.

- What's your name?

- JP and it's short for Jean-Paul.

- Oh la la . Jean-Paul?

- But that costume of yours--

- Is it too much?

- It's a little triggering, yeah.

- It's OK, you didn't know.

He's just a kid.

How about we find you something more appropriate to wear, OK?

- And on that note, I got a show to do.

(Scoffing)

OK, you can tell me, what card did you choose?

- The eight of hearts.

- Now, what if I told you that the eight of hearts

is on the top of the pile that you just shuffled.

- I don't know but I definitely worship you

like Beelzebub himself.

(Exhaling sharply, crowd chuckling)

(Crowd murmuring)

- (Woman): Yikes...

- OK, maybe not the top card on the pile.

(Crowd chuckling)

Pssh!

- (Man): Ooh! - (Woman): Ouch!

(Scoffing)

- OK, you know what? Here's an idea.

Why don't you just show us

how you survived getting stabbed 8 times?

'Cause that was actual magic.

(Crowd gasping)

- (Woman): Now we're talking.

- Do you think that this is a joke?

(Chuckling)

Do you think that this was easy for any of us

that actually survived that night?

- All right! And that is our magic segment for the night.

- No, what is it about our pain and our suffering

that makes you think it's OK to treat it all

like some live-action role play?

- Uh, those are great questions for later.

So, how about we crank up that music

and plow that dance floor, OK?

(Crowd cheering)

- I'm sorry, man.

- Hey, hey, man, it's OK. I--I get it.

Just take a breather, yeah?

(Indistinct chatter)

- Hey, you OK?

- I--I'm...

- It's OK. Follow me.

(Sighing)

Those people are assholes.

Hey!

(Smacking lips)

- No, it was my act.

I'm all washed up and I can't do anything else.

- Not here.

Not right now on this train full of blood-thirsty fans

being shitty to you.

But you'll get it back.

I promise.

(Chuckling)

- Thank you.

(Swallowing)

It helps.

And, uh, I needed it.

- You and me both.

(Glasses clinking)

(Bottle thudding on table)

- (Woman): Honey, wait for me. - (Man): Yeah, I will.

(Giggling)

- You want to do a circuit?

- No, but it's away from here, I guess.

- (Woman 1): It is so hot in here.

- (Woman 2): Yeah. - (Woman 3): OK, girl...

- Hey, you're Alana's friend, right?

- Yeah. She's here tonight because of me.

- Cool.

How's she doing, really?

- She's fine.

Not perfect, but we're making strides every day.

OK?

- I mean, yeah. I just...

I'm just asking because I'm worried about her.

- Really?

You're so concerned you haven't spoken to her in almost a year?

That's a really great friend.

- What Alana and I went through was unspeakable.

- Cool.

Great. Good for you.

But I've been the one picking up the pieces.

I've been there for her.

So, please don't come at me like you know anything about her.

(Scoffing)

- It's crazy being back on this train.

- Ha! No shit!

Back to where I almost died.

- I thought you did. Everybody thought you did.

- Trust me, in my will, I left everything I own

to those paramedics,

which is two pairs of sneakers and a box of crackers.

(Chuckling)

Which is why when the Prez reached out,

I jumped at the chance.

What's your excuse for being back here?

- Hell, I'm finally doing

what my therapist has been hounding me to do.

- Freak yourself out?

- Freak myself out

so I face my fears so I can get over it all.

Nothing else is working.

So, "New Year, new me," and all that stuff.

- Well, the old you wasn't all that bad.

- I'm sorry I was useless at returning texts.

(Chuckling)

- Or calls or emails.

(Chuckling)

- It was just too much.

It wasn't a rejection.

I just...

Me putting that night behind me.

- Right.

You want to put everything behind you.

Ha!

That's good.

I'm glad.

I'm glad we're here together now.

(Swallowing)

♪♪ I love you like la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I love you like la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- You are the sexiest woman I've ever met.

(Giggling)

- How about we put that to the test

in one of these lounge cars?

- I'll--I'll get some weed from my bag.

Meet you there?

- Don't keep me waiting too long, OK?

(Giggling)

♪ I love you like la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la

♪ I love you like la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I love, I love, I love you ♪♪

- Alana!

There you are!

I've been looking everywhere for you.

- Oh, we were just catching up.

- O...

K.

Well, next time let me know

so I don't worry my silly little head off.

- I will, I promise. Cross my heart.

- Scout's honor?

- There's only room for

one nervous wreck in this friendship.

- K, well, it'll be midnight before we know it.

And I left my phone in the cabin.

But I'll meet you back here super fast.

- Well, get ready for her to plant a sloppy one on you

when the ball drops. Ha!

- This again? After everything that happened?

- No, she is a little intense.

- She's of the most caring people I've met.

I won't let you shit talk her.

- OK, you are right.

You're right.

It's just I see so few good people

that when I meet one in the wild, they confuse me.

(Chuckling)

- OK, I--I'm gonna be right back.

(Breathing heavily)

OK.

(Sighing)

(Exhaling sharply)

(Sighing)

- Aaah!

(Sighing)

(Breathing shakily)

- No, no, no, no, no, this isn't real.

This isn't real. This isn't real.

You're not real. You're not real.

(Sobbing)

(Inhaling deeply, exhaling slowly)

(Sobbing)

(Gasping)

(Breathing heavily)

(Choking)

(Sobbing)

(JP choking)

(Lock clicking)

(Breathing shakily, sobbing)

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Fuck!

- Hey, everyone!

Mortuary Merry here.

And I'm having a terrific time on the terror train!

(Chuckling)

Oh God! Ha ha!

Pet is so much better at this than I am.

Ah! But I'm hotter?

Oh!

Thank you so much, JuguLair666!

You are so sweet.

(Giggling)

Yeah, you know,

it's really weird to be back here.

But, you know, it's great to see everybody.

Yeah.

(Giggling)

Oh, OK. So, I'm actually in this car right now

because I met the cutest guy tonight.

Yeah, not all my luck is bad.

(Giggling)

(Gasping)

Oh my... OK, you guys are bad!

(Laughing)

But yes.

Because I'm hoping that's gonna happen,

this is me giving us some privacy.

(Giggling)

OK, I will see you guys later.

Bye!

(Exhaling sharply)

(Crying, breathing shakily)

(Sniffling, whimpering)

(Sobbing)

(Crying, screaming)

(Screaming in distance)

Hey, what happened? Are you OK?

- M-m-murder. I--I--I saw a murder.

- What?

- That guy you were making out with, JP.

He was--he was being s-strangled.

And the k-k-killer was wearing a hazmat suit and a clown mask.

- Alana, he's right there.

Did you get the weed?

See? All good.

Have a puff.

You could do with some chilling out.

- No, no, no. I--I know what I saw.

- Look, Alana, I know this night has been really,

really tough for you, but your PTSD...

Could this be your mind messing with you again?

- Hey, take off your mask.

- No! Jesus, Alana!

OK, this is ridiculous and unhealthy.

Look, I know Pet and I went way too far tonight,

and I'm sorry,

but I'm just trying to have a good night now.

Listen, I plan on taking off more than just his mask tonight.

So, I'll give you the full report later, OK?

You're fine.

You coming?

(Sighing)

(Sniffling)

Poor girl.

I don't think she's ever gonna get over this.

Anyway, Jean-Paul,

you were giving me some major maniac-in-bed vibes

that I haven't felt in a long time.

So...

What you doing?

Oh, here, bring it close to my face.

It'll unlock it.

It's always the quiet ones.

I bet you were the first terror train hook-up.

Hey, guys.

Mortuary Merry back on the terror train,

where I just lured the cutest guy

into the lounge car.

(Giggling)

And we're gonna show you

that this train isn't all cursed.

In fact,

good things, really good things, can happen.

Take off your mask and kiss me.

What the fuck are you doing here?

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

(Choking on blood)

- Guys, you gotta see this.

(Choking)

- (Man): Ah, yuck!

(Indistinct chatter)

- OK, last thing I want to do is trigger you, final girl,

but you gotta see this.

- What the hell am I looking at?

- It's the best fake-out I've ever seen.

- Wait, that's no fake-out.

- No, wait, come on. You think so?

Here, let me play this back.

- We need to find Merry.

We need to make sure she's safe.

- Alana, it's not real.

It's just a collapsible blade

and fake blood.

(Scoffing)

Pet's whole goal tonight is to make a splash, right?

And Mortuary Merry has been splashing right along with her.

- But Merry wouldn't do this.

- You don't know that.

- Yes, I do. Merry's my friend.

- Your friend?

When's the last time you saw her or even talked to her?

- I have other friends, Claudia.

- Yeah, I--I know that.

- What, are you jealous? Like...

- No!

I--I'm just pointing out a fact

that you actually have no idea

what Mortuary Merry would or wouldn't do.

- Alana!

- Did you see?

- No, but I heard something happened.

It's not real, right?

- I don't know.

- You guys are feeding off each other,

and not in a good way.

- Look, I don't know who you think you are--

- I'm Alana's friend, and as her friend,

I gotta say you're panicking her.

- Claudia, stop!

OK, none of us will feel comfortable

until we make sure Merry is safe.

- Y-y-you're right. I'm sorry.

- Good. Let's go already.

Xndr, meet us in the lounge car.

Could be a prank, could be something more.

(Sighing)

- What do you want?

- Pick a number between two and ten.

- No! I g--

- It'll be a lot faster if you just pick a number.

- Fine. Six.

- (Whispering): Six.

Pssh!

- I hate magic. Everyone hates magic.

- People hate what they don't understand.

For taking care of my good friend.

- Thank you.

I just want what's best for her.

- Where did you get that?

- Just another stupid little prank

I broke up earlier tonight.

You're gonna stay out here, OK?

Sadie, stay behind me.

Hello?

Is anybody in here?

- We should check everywhere.

- Of course.

(Gasping, breathing heavily)

- W-what?

(Sighing)

I guess Claudia was right.

It really just was some shitty prank.

- Looks that way.

All to get tonight trending.

- And to get me freaking out for the whole world to see.

- Oh, forget Pet and Merry.

- I don't care about them.

If they think this shit is funny, fine.

Fuck them.

(Sniffling)

But look at me.

I'm a wreck.

- I think we can call the all clear.

Give us a minute.

- Sure, yeah, no problem.

Uh, when you're done,

I'd like to do a sweep of the entire train

to find these immature fucks.

- I'm losing it.

- No, you're not.

- I'm seeing things that aren't there.

I'm falling for obvious pranks--

- I thought that video was real too.

Merry's an asshole, Pet too.

First team, all-star assholes.

(Chuckling, sniffling)

- We should get back to the party.

I mean, it is almost midnight.

- I gotta do a sweep first.

- With Xndr, who seems really comfortable holding that axe.

- They've got a black belt in karate or jujitsu.

The point is, they don't need an axe.

- Then why do they have one?

- Uh...

- Just promise me one thing.

- Anything.

- That we ring in the New Year together.

- We'll have a champagne toast

and say, "Fuck you," to the old year...

(Giggling)

...and give a big old smooch to the new one.

I promise.

(Sniffling)

(Sighing)

Yeah? - Yeah.

(Sniffling)

♪♪ M-O-N Ladies, let's go ♪

♪ Money over nonsense Count your dough ♪

♪ M-O-N ♪

Hey, you.

It turns out you were right.

It was just another asinine prank,

courtesy of Pet.

- Well, now you know for sure.

- I'm sorry.

I should have trusted you.

But just please try to see it from our point of view.

- I do!

I have!

From the first day I met you.

And I know that you all lived through something horrible,

something I will never entirely comprehend.

But I do know enough not to make light of what happened.

- No, you're right.

(Sighing)

They're just assholes.

But Sadie, she isn't like that.

- Yeah, I--I can tell she cares about you, but...

- What?

- ...I--I do too.

- Ah, and I care about you too, so much.

Come here, Claudia.

- Where's Merry?

I checked the whole train, and nothing.

- Maybe she went back to the bar car.

Swapped costumes with somebody.

- And we didn't see her?

(Exhaling sharply)

Go check.

I--I'll try the lounge car again,

see if we missed anything.

- It was empty.

You're wasting our time.

(Exhaling sharply, sniffling)

- OK...

Let's try P-S-Y-C-H-O.

(Phone beeping)

(Sighing)

Claudia.

(Phone beeping)

(Sighing)

Fuck.

(Phone falling on table)

Oh God.

A-L-A-N-A.

(Phone clicking)

Hello, stalker.

Now, why do you have the Murder Fiend app

on your phone?

(Sighing)

- Oh!

(Breathing shakily)

Oh no! Oh no!

(Screaming)

Oh!

(Talking, indistinct)

(Crying)

(Gasping repeatedly)

(Breathing shakily)

(Punches landing)

- All right, party people, get ready!

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

One!

- (Crowd): Happy New Year!

- I almost missed it.

(Giggling)

You're the best thing to happen to me last year.

I'm so glad we got so close.

- Me too!

Uh, you haven't seen Sadie, have you?

- No.

But...

here's a toast.

- Hmm.

- Cheers to a new year, new you.

- Just a few words to welcome in the new year,

because Lord knows I am happy to move forward.

We all have a bright future ahead,

each and every one of us.

The past is dead and buried.

And the future is ours.

It starts today.

Happy New Year!

(Crowd cheering)

Go, DJ!

- I'm gonna go get us some more of that very yummy champagne.

- OK.

- My God, Alana, would it kill you to smile?

It's the New Year.

- Have you seen Sadie?

- No.

Or your morose, magical mystery man.

I'm here partying like you should be,

because whether you like it or not,

you're the star attraction.

- Star of what?

(Scoffing)

- Do you know how many people wish they were in your place?

- Let me show you what my place looks like, Pet.

Every time I look in the mirror,

all I can see is that night.

I close my eyes,

I see Carne full of hatred trying to kill me.

You want that?

Take it.

And stop trying to tell me how I should feel,

because you were on the sidelines.

You have no idea what it's like to fight for your life.

- Give me that.

(Exhaling sharply)

- Have you seen Sadie?

She promised that we'd ring in the New Year together.

- Ugh, no. I was gonna ask you that.

She should be back by now.

Xndr for Sadie, over.

Sadie, what's your twenty?

- Where did you last leave her?

- The lounge car.

- Oh.

(Sobbing)

(Crying)

(Breathing shakily, sniffling)

(Crying)

(Gasping, sniffling)

(Phone unlocking)

(Sniffling)

You fucking trauma addicts!

This is happening.

People are really dying!

(Sniffling)

(Crying)

Trauma addicts!

This is really happening.

People are dying!

- Guys, this is bullshit.

- Pet, if this is another one of your fucking pranks--

- I wouldn't do that.

- You would stab yourself in the ass

to get more followers.

You're obsessed.

- Listen up!

- (Man): Shhh! Guys, guys.

- We found 2 bodies, and there could be more.

If there's anyone you realize is missing,

you need to tell me.

- Yeah, my patience,

'cause this is the lamest fake-out.

- It's not a prank.

There were real holes in their body

oozing real fucking blood!

And trust me, I know what that looks like.

- Wait, are you absolutely sure?

- You're welcome to go and check yourself.

- Oh my God.

Carne's back and she's gonna finish what she started.

- No, no, Carne's dead.

- Did you see her body?

No one saw her body.

- She died in the middle of nowhere.

Her body was probably torn apart and eaten by wild animals.

- You seem to know a lot about what happened to her.

- I don't. It just makes sense.

Right?

- Carne could still be alive

waiting for a night precisely like this.

She waited 3 years the first time.

We need to be smart.

- Everybody camps out here in this car

where you can all see each other.

- OK, but not everyone's even in here.

And there's some people I haven't seen all night,

like the Wil.

- Then we round them up.

- Oh, so the killer can just pick us off in the process?

No, thank you.

- You should round up any stragglers.

Xndr and I will see if there's any weapons we can use.

- Xndr and I?

You're a guest on this train.

I'm security.

- I'm just trying to help. - And I'm telling y...

I'm telling all of you to stick together

and stay in each other's sights.

There's a flare gun in the workers' car,

which I'm gonna go get,

along with any other weapons I can find

while the rest of you locate your friends

and sit your asses in this car until I come back.

Understood?

- (Crowd): Yeah. - Understood.

- (Man): Just stay with me.

(Sniffling, crying)

- It's OK.

It's OK.

- Hey, hey! Go straight to the bar car.

Don't stop for anything.

No bathroom breaks, nothing!

Go.

What the hell?

Oh shit!

Oh, oh!

(Coughing)

Oh fuck!

(Exhaling sharply)

- Hello?

Anyone?

Who's there?

(Grunting, choking)

(Knife piercing flesh)

- It--it's gotta be Carne doing this.

- It could be anyone.

They took JP's costume right off of his back.

- So, we're looking for a monk in a lizard mask?

- If they're wearing it.

If there's anything we learned about

the last time we were on this train,

it's that anyone can switch costumes.

- OK, well, turning on each other isn't gonna help.

- No, it won't. So, let me ask you a question.

Do any of you know who actually runs the Murder Fiend?

- No one does.

Not for sure.

It's like Q or Anonymous or something.

- Still, whoever it is, with what they post,

with their insights, especially about Alana,

it feels like they're on the inside track

of the murder train,

like they're here tonight in this very room.

Like you, Claudia.

- What are you talking about?

- I know you don't want to hear it

but I swear I have proof.

- OK, then show it.

Because we all know a guy runs it,

like a detective or...

You stole my phone?

- What the fuck?

- Your name is the goddamn password.

Guess what else I discovered?

Claudia is signed in as the moderator of the app.

- What?

- That's--that's just not...

(Sighing)

- Is this true?

- Alana, please.

- Please what, Claudia?

You lied to me for a year.

Befriended me 'ca-'cause what?

'Cause you're obsessed with me?

'Cause you wanted to kill me?

No! Look, I know I haven't been 100% truthful,

but I'm not a killer.

- Bullshit!

- I became your friend because I felt like we were the same.

- Lies. You played me for a year.

How can I believe a word that comes out of your mouth?

- Please, Alana, look--

- Don't touch me!

- We're friends, real friends.

Look, if I'm guilty of anything,

it's of wanting to be close to you.

Look, I never wanted to hurt you, I swear!

- You fucking lying psycho bitch!

- OK, the Murder Fiend site is mine,

but it's for everyone.

It's a community site.

I'm a protector of victims of violence.

That's why I created it,

to create a community for the victims.

- OK, if that's even remotely true,

then why all this cloak-and-dagger bullshit?

- Let's throw her off the train.

- Pet...

- What?

She murdered my best friend.

- OK, we're not throwing anybody off the train.

- We could take a vote.

- No, we're not taking a vote.

- All those in favor of--

- OK, what about the magician?

- Me? - Yeah.

- I haven't been with Alana most of the night.

- So, it could be both of you.

- What about Xndr?

Where are they? Why aren't they back yet?

- Maybe they're dead too.

- No, Alana is right.

They had free reign tonight

and they were the last person that saw Sadie alive.

- We have no idea who they are, how they got this job.

They're a complete stranger.

- A stranger we sent

to retrieve the only working gun on this fucking train.

Totes brill move.

- We need that flare gun.

- Is there a light? - Yeah, there is now.

- Where does one even keep a flare gun?

- It's not like it's a real gun.

You wouldn't need to keep it locked up or secured.

(Screaming)

- Claudia, what is it?

(Sobbing)

- So, uh, they're not the killer.

- We need to get that gun

and get back to that car and lock all the doors.

OK, everyone, just--just focus.

- Hey...

What the fuck is this?

- It's an altar to Carne.

- It's her uniform.

(Sniffling)

- What's that on top?

- Is that an eyeball? Is that hers?

- We don't know that's hers.

We don't even know if that's real.

- Well, it looks fucking real to me.

But feel free to pick it up.

- I guess she really was torn apart by scavengers.

- Yeah, maybe you're not

some famous final girl after all, Alana.

Maybe she was killed by a wolf or a bear.

- Are you serious right now, Pet?

- "Here lies Carne, or what's left of her."

What's this in the corner?

- Some sort of insignia.

- It's a bloody anatomical heart.

- From Claudia's Murder Fiend app.

(Gasping)

(Breathing shakily)

- Claudia?

Claudia?

(Breathing shakily)

- You know, if you would just think rationally

and not from a place of panic,

you'd realize there's no way I'm the one killing everyone.

Why would I?

- Amazing PR opportunity if you had gotten away with it?

- It's not PR I want.

That goes against everything I stand for.

Look, Alana, you know I couldn't hurt anybody.

Especially not you, Goddammit.

- I'm not gonna do anything.

I don't think you could've done this, OK?

- Then why are you coming closer?

- I just want to calm you down.

That's it.

I just want to calm you down.

(Sniffling)

- I didn't do this, Alana.

I didn't hurt a single person.

I didn't even build that fucking altar!

- I know.

I know, but you've gotta just see it from our point of view.

- I know.

I know I fucked up.

I should have been honest with you from the start.

- You should have.

- I was scared you wouldn't want to be my friend.

- Of course I would have.

- No, you wouldn't.

You would have thought I was using you.

Or that I was a stalker

like the rest of these assholes on here.

- Oh, you're way worse than them.

(Sniffling)

- I don't think you're worse.

And I don't think that you're a stalker.

- I ruined everything we had together.

- No, you didn't.

You shouldn't have lied.

And, yeah, if I had found out

you were behind Murder Fiend, I wouldn't have let you near me.

- See?

- But I did.

And I got to see

what a truly compassionate person you are.

- See?

That's what I wanted to do with the app,

show compassion for the victims.

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- I didn't want to take away from what happened to you.

But when I was 11, I...

- It's OK, Claudia, you can tell me.

- I was abducted.

- Oh, come on.

She's manipulating you.

- Shut up!

Go on, I'm listening.

- Awful things happened to me, Alana.

But I survived, just like you.

That's why you're so important to me.

I figured if I could help you, maybe I could help myself.

But now I've just fucked it all up.

- No, you didn't.

(Sniffling)

- I know you won't ever feel the same way towards me.

I can't make you feel something you don't.

But, Alana, I--I...

- Claudia, please just give this to me, OK?

Let's just go home,

get both of our lives back to normal.

Let's just get home safe, Claudia.

OK?

- Promise?

- I promise. It's OK. It's OK.

(Crying)

- Move! - No!

(Grunting, groaning)

(Grunting)

- Oh, fuck no!

(Groaning, screaming)

(Screaming)

(Moaning)

(Screaming)

- What did you do? What did you do?

(Screaming)

- My Petettes, you won't believe what just happened.

I just killed a killer before she could kill any more of us.

I saved our lives.

And it wasn't some old hag like Carne.

It was a frenzied, young psycho with a literal axe to grind.

But I did it...

for us.

For you.

- How'd it go? Did you stop them?

Are we safe? - We're safe.

The killer's dead.

- Wait, dead?

What does that mean?

- It means yours truly saved the day.

- Ew, you? As if.

- You're canceled.

So, if anyone who's not a rude bitch

who looks like a Kardashian gone rigor mortis

wants to hear how I killed that crazy fuck, Claudia,

and saved all of your lives...

gather 'round.

(Sighing)

- Careful, carefully.

OK, hold that there.

- Ah!

It's fine.

- You have to stop putting yourself in danger.

- Ah!

That's not good.

- Head wounds bleed a lot.

That's all you're seeing.

You took quite a hit.

Pupils are constricting as normal.

And I'm not seeing a sign of a concussion, so...

(Sighing)

...that's good.

- So, you're saying I'm OK?

- Yeah, you're gonna be OK.

(Sighing)

- You're OK too.

(Chuckling)

I thought the sight of all that red

turned you to jello.

- I guess I wasn't even thinking.

I just acted.

- Like a doctor.

You even sound a little like a doctor.

(Chuckling)

Maybe crazy Claudia was right in bringing you here.

Minus the killing-everyone- on-the-train part.

- How did I not know?

- She was a brilliantly deceptive sociopath.

- That's the thing.

Until tonight, I mean, sure,

she was a little smothering and overprotective.

But she was a good person.

She was kind.

And that story about her getting kidnapped...

- To lure you in to manipulate you.

- I know that logically, but...

usually, my gut is pretty good with people.

I guess I was wrong this time.

- Don't do that.

- Do what?

- Start second guessing yourself.

Start looking at the world cynically like I do.

You don't want to end up a bitter, old jerk like me.

- Old, maybe.

- Oof!

- But jerk? No.

(Sighing)

OK, I'm gonna get you something for that pain.

You'll be OK in here?

- Of course.

Claudia's dead.

Rest in pieces, bitch.

(Exhaling sharply)

Ah!

Ah!

(Exhaling slowly)

- It's still bleeding?

- A little.

I'll live.

- Here...

(Exhaling slowly)

...let me.

Oh, you're good.

Lucky that psycho bitch hit you with the handle.

I hope Alana doesn't blame herself.

I mean, how was she supposed to know she was psychotic?

It's not like there were any signs.

- Yeah, she wasn't exactly normal.

- She was a nut bar.

(Giggling)

Why are you being nice all of a sudden?

- You shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

- Yeah, I guess.

You know,

the only other person

willing to do what had to be done,

other than me...

was you.

I mean, it definitely wasn't Alana.

We're more alike than I thought.

I--I really misjudged you.

- You know, um...

Alana should be back any moment.

- Ooh, did you two get married and forget to invite me?

(Giggling)

(Sniffling)

(Exhaling slowly)

(Sniffling)

(Knife piercing flesh)

(Breathing heavily)

- You know, Pet...

it's been a long night.

I think we should just get back to the station.

- Sure.

But can't we have some fun until then?

I mean, we're a type, you and me.

A power couple in the making.

- You want everything I have, Pet.

You always have and you always will.

- A hero, check.

Final girl, check, I got that too.

And I'm pretty sure you don't own Magic Mike.

- You want to be me so badly

that you were willing to kill your best friend?

(Scoffing)

- OK.

OK, now, you've just lost it.

- You stabbed the life out of Merry for what?

Some stupid social media likes?

You're pathetic, Pet.

- Alana, what are you talking about?

- Go on, check it.

All the evidence I need

blasted out to everybody on Murder Fiend and the police.

Congratulations, Pet.

You're infamous.

- Wow, amazing photo shop skills.

- You know it's real.

You're going to jail for the rest of your life.

And trust me, the lighting in prison is shit for selfies.

(Screaming, grunting)

No!

(Screaming, grunting)

(Screaming, grunting)

- Run!

(Inhaling sharply)

- Typical weak Alana.

You don't deserve to live!

(Screaming)

If I'm going to jail, then you're going to hell!

(Screaming, grunting)

What're you gonna do?

Chop me into little pieces?

You couldn't cut open a dead frog.

(Grunting, screaming)

You fucking bitch!

(Breathing shakily)

(Sniffling)

- I owe you, again.

You're pretty tough for someone who's cracking up.

I gotta take you with me every time I travel.

- Maybe next time we travel together,

we take a bus instead of a train?

- Terror bus?

No, thank you.

(Laughing)

A bus would have made all this even worse.

- I gotta talk to that detective over there.

- Hey, no downplaying things, killer.

You saved us all.

- So, this is probably a not-so-great time to ask,

but, um, your autographing, signing hand,

is it still in working order?

I'll take that as a no.

♪ ♪

Closed Captions: MELS