All language subtitles for Serious.Moonlight.20099

( piano music playing )

♪ When we want to love,
we love ♪

♪ When we want
to kiss, we kiss ♪

♪ With a little petting ♪

♪ We're getting ♪

♪ Some fun out of life ♪

♪ When we want to work,
we work ♪

♪ When we want
to play, we play ♪

♪ In a happy setting ♪

♪ We're getting ♪

♪ Some fun out of life ♪

♪ Maybe we do
the right thing ♪

♪ Maybe we do wrong ♪

♪ Spending
each day ♪

♪ Wending
our way along ♪

♪ But when we
want to sing ♪

♪ We sing ♪

♪ When we want to dance,
we dance ♪

♪ You can do your betting ♪

♪ We're getting ♪

♪ Some fun out of life ♪

♪ But when we want to sing ♪

♪ We sing ♪

♪ When we want to dance,
we dance ♪

♪ You can do your betting... ♪

- Thank you.
- No problem, buddy.

♪ Some fun out of life. ♪

( humming )

Michelle, I threw heck
to the wind

And drove up to the country
a day early.

I want to surprise Ian,
spend a long weekend with him.

So I need you to call Mettler.

Tell him his papers
were filed yesterday

and everything is fine.

I will talk to him first
thing on Monday morning.

Then call my dentist,
cancel that appointment.

Reschedule it for
Tuesday afternoon

and then cancel my meetings
for the rest of the day.

- ( phone beeping )
- You know what to do.

That's why you
are my assistant.

- Kiss kiss kiss.
- Is there anything else--

- Hi, Louise.
- Hey, honey.

How's Chicago? Your flight leaves
in a couple of hours, right?

- Can't wait to see you.
- Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Excuse me, Lou.

I'm just about to head
into a meeting.

I'll see you at the house
tomorrow, okay?

Yeah, see you tomorrow.

I'll be driving up
in the evening.

See you then.

Bye.

( humming )

Okay.

( sighs )

Ian's voice:
"Dearest Louise,

I am not spending the weekend
here as planned.

I've come to a crossroads
in our marriage

and I need to go away

and have some time
to think.

Sorry to do this
in a letter.

Please remember
to feed the fish."

Please remember to
feed the fish?

No no no no.
I can't do-- no.

Stupid.

Um...

"I'm very sorry.

You're wonderful

and I don't deserve you."

- Michelle, listen.
- I don't know what to say to him.

His purchase is going forward.
That's what you need to tell him

over and over again

until he calms down.

I think you
should call him.

No, I'm not gonna
call him myself, Michelle.

- Michelle.
- Yeah?

There's someone
inside my house.

Oh.
( laughs )

Somebody quite romantic.

Listen, Michelle, no more calls
for the rest of the day.

- I want you to hold all calls.
- Okay.

Looks like I'm about
to have a lot of sex.

Yup yup yup. Handle it yourself,
miss Harvard bachelorette.

That's what I pay
you to do.

Kiss kiss kiss.

- Ian!
- ( groans )

You came back early
to surprise me?

Ian?

( chuckles )
Oh, look at these flowers.

They're just beautiful.
You haven't done this for me in years.

Business meeting
in Chicago, my ass.

Oh my God.

That is sexy.

Oh. Mm-mmm.

Yeah.

Uh-oh. What's wrong?

Please sit down.

No.

Please.
Please.

Oh.

Oh, Ian.

- Uh, Louise.
- This is so great.

Louise, I...

Oh.

I was in the middle
of writing it when you got here.

So it's-- you're a day early.

You weren't supposed to
be here till tomorrow.

Please feed the fish?

I crossed that part out.

It wouldn't have made it
in the final letter at all.

- What does this mean, Ian?
- Louise, I--

Why are you leaving?
What do you need to think about?

- Why can't you think about it here?
- I'm going to Paris.

Paris?

Look, I've been having serious doubts
about this marriage.

- And I think that--
- No, you're not going, Ian.

You're gonna stay right here
and we're going to work through this

together as we always
manage to do.

No, not this time.

Who is she?

No, this isn't about
anybody else.

I mean, this is about you.
It's about me.

It's about us.
It's nobody else.

- But there is someone else.
- No no.

Oh, you looked at your hand
when you said no.

- Why did you look at your hand?
- I didn't look--

And where's
your wedding ring?

And why are there flowers everywhere
and petals all over the floor?

Things haven't been
right between us.

Well, nobody told
me that, Ian.

I thought they were beautiful.

At our anniversary dinner
two months ago,

you leaned into me,
you took my hand

- and you said, "I'm so happy."
- I know. I was lying.

- You were lying?
- I was lying.

- No, not lying.
- I can't...

If you were confused
or unhappy,

you decide to tell me
this in a note?

After 13 years of marriage,
that's what I deserve?

I can't stand confrontation,
you know that.

Look, it's crappy of me,
I realize it.

But you deserve better.
I feel awful.

What am I supposed
to do then, Ian?

Am I supposed to sit here
and watch you leave

and not know why and just wait
until the divorce papers come?

I mean, what kind
of creep does that?

- Are you that kind of creep?
- ( exhales )

And don't numb out on me.

You are not leaving
this house

until you at least try
to work things out with me.

You are my husband.

That's the least
you can do.

I'm in love with
someone else, Louise.

There, I said it.

- Stop packing, Ian.
- No.

- I said stop packing.
- I'm going to Paris first thing in the morning.

No, you're not.
You're not going anywhere.

- I'm very sorry.
- I said stop packing!

( groaning )

Wha--?

What the fuck?!

Hey! Hey, what--

Louise!
Louise!

Louise!
Hey!

What the fuck?!

Have you gone
completely insane?

- Louise!
- Calm down. Calm down.

- You'll have an aneurism.
- My head.

Yeah, I know.
I'm really so sorry about that.

I really am.
I brought you some water.

Fine, I'll drink it myself.

Ow. Oh, Ian.

Damn tooth.
I've got a cavity.

Why am I duct taped

to a fucking chair, Louise?!

Because, my love,

I've decided to keep you here
until we can work this out.

I don't love you anymore.

Then you'll just stay
here until you do.

- That's completely insane.
- Why?

Because life
doesn't work that way.

You can't keep a person
hostage until they love you.

Oh, come on, Ian.
I'm sure it's been done before.

I love Sara, not you.

And that's not gonna change.

- Sara? Who's Sara?
- She is the person I deeply love,

And you're making her
look better by the minute.

Well, I'm sure she'll be hurt
when you dump her,

but she'll live.

As a lawyer you took
an oath to uphold the law.

I'm pretty sure you're not
upholding the law here.

I could make a case for it.

Louise, I hate you
and I think you're a psycho.

I'm gonna have you jailed
or institutionalized.

That'll be pretty hard to do
when you can't even move an arm.

I mean eventually.
After I--

Yes, after you're
free of course.

But by that time you won't want to
because you'll love me again.

No Sara, no divorce,
no pressing charges.

Just love,

the way it was supposed to be
when we took our vows.

Do you remember, Ian?

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

You know...

you know, Louise,
you're right.

Come here.
Come here.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you know, it's...

You know, you're right.

( clears throat )

It really isn't fair of me
to just, you know,

up and leave without giving us a
chance to work this through.

It's-- yeah.
So why don't you--

why don't you untape me

and we'll sit down
and we'll talk this out, okay?

You won't be untaped
until you love me again.

Oh, come on, I love you.
I do, I swear to God.

You're an atheist.

- I love you.
- ( chuckles )

You're my wife.

Thank you.

Thank you
for helping me see

what a stupid stupid
thing I was about to do.

Yeah.

You shocked me
into reality.

You really did.

I love you.

- I love you.
- ( laughs )

I love you.

You are just the worst liar.
You are.

Your pupils grow
to the size of Pluto,

your brow gets all sweaty,
you can't even look me in the eye.

I love you, Lou.
I do.

No, you don't.

You think I'm a psycho
who you want to divorce and prosecute.

- I'm not an idiot, okay?
- Why don't you let me go?

- But that will change, my love, you'll see.
- Let me go.

- Let me go.
- And we'll be happy.

- Let me go, you fucking lunatic!
- We'll be happy.

- Let me--
- ( doorbell rings )

- Sara.
- Sara?

Sara!

I'm a hostage here, Sara!

- Ian, shut up.
- Hostage up here!

- Shut up, Ian!
- Call the police!

- Shut up, shut up.
- Call the po--

- Shh.
- ( doorbell rings )

( muffled screaming )

Sara, I presume?

Hi. Yes, I'm Sara.

You must be...

Louise.
Louise the wife.

I thought--
where's, um...

Ian.

Well, yeesh, is this a cliché.

But he's tied up at the moment.

So just come with me.

Let's have a chat, gal to gal.

- Sara.
- Yeah.

Wow, you're very pretty.

Thank you.
You're very pretty too, Louise.

But you're like... wow.

( laughs )
Anyway .

Come on, sit down.

So...

congratulations.
My husband is leaving me for you.

I am so sorry, Louise.

I-- I didn't--
I just fell in love with him.

I didn't mean to.
It just--

No need to apologize.

I'm fine, really.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, I'm so glad.

I'm so glad
because I've been feeling

so much sadness and guilt.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It must have been
so hard for you, huh?

It was difficult, yeah.

Yeah.

( sighs )

Well, there's been
a change of plans, Sara.

Um, Ian has decided

that he needs to stay
here with me

to go over some
final details.

Oh.

Well, we were supposed to leave
first thing in the morning.

And I'd hoped that he was going
to meet my family tonight.

My father is making
chateaubriand and salad,

- which is his special meal.
- Oh, I know.

He told me all about it,

and he's very sorry
that he can't come.

But he just wants
to stay here with me

and go over the boring details
of our separation.

He'll meet you at the airport.
He promises.

Ugh, disappointed.

That's so selfish of me.

Listen, I know how you feel.

But I think it's very important

That, you know,
we go over some final things

before he abandons
me forever.

I'm sure you understand.

( sighs )

Can I see him?
Is he here?

He doesn't want to see you.

He said this to me,
and I quote verbatim,

"If I see Sara right now,

I won't be able to stay with you
for one more second.

I won't be able to do anything

except kiss her madly

all over every part of her face,

swoop her into my arms

and run screaming away."

Yeah, that sounds like him.

Yeah.

And I am truly sorry

because I forced him
to stay here tonight.

I hope you understand that.

- I do.
- Yeah, thanks.

Can I call him
on the phone later?

No, I'd really prefer
that you didn't do that,

you know,
out of respect for me.

It's kind of the least
you can do.

But I really want
to talk to him.

Well, think about
how romantic it will be

when you're reunited
on the plane to Rome.

- Paris.
- Paris.

Paris.
That is so romantic.

Wow, I always wanted
to see Paris with Ian.

Are you okay, Louise?

Thanks for asking, Sara.

Not really, but I will be.

I will be.
There's hope for me yet.

If you'll just excuse me.

Would you just
tell him that...

I'm thinking of him?

And tell him...

I told him he had nothing to fear
about coming clean with you.

I mean, he should have
done it a year ago.

A year ago?

Yes. Yeah.

It probably would have
been better.

Tell him I'm thinking of him.

You're thinking of him.

- Got it.
- Thank you.

- ( muffled screaming )
- ( car starts )

( retches )

( sobbing )

Oh dear.

( muffled speaking )

( straining )

( groans )

- All right.
- ( muffled )

I sent her away.

I told her that you would
meet her at the airport

and that you and I had some
last details to work through.

She's very pretty.
Not so bright though.

( muffled )

Oh, I can't understand
what you're saying.

- Ow!
- Sorry about that.

What were you
mumbling about?

Sara is exceptionally bright.
You don't know her.

Exceptionally bright?
I don't think so.

She introduced me
to Russian literature.

So that's why you were struggling
through "Brothers Karamazov"?

She's not only beautiful,
she's brilliant.

Brilliant brilliant brilliant.

She has the kindest heart
of anyone I've ever known.

I'm sure she's exceptionally
kind for a home wrecker.

She's also soulful, Louise.

I'm sure there's nothing about her
that isn't completely wonderful.

And it doesn't matter!

By this time next year
you'll struggle to remember her name.

No, by this time next
year she'll be my wife

and you'll be locked away
safe in a loony bin.

No no, nonsense and phooey, all of it.
No more talking about her!

Okay, we'll talk about how your entire
law career will be flushed down the drain

once people know what
a fruitcake you are.

Let's talk about that.
How about we talk about that, Louise?

As a matter of fact...

- No, don't tape my mouth.
- Why don't you just shut up?

I've had enough of that.
Louise!

Ian, why don't you just
shut up for a minute?

I want you to look
at something, buddy.

Hmm?
Hmm?

Do you remember this day?

Do you remember everything
about this day like I do?

Huh?

How scared I was?

How I almost couldn't
go through with it?

And do you remember--
do you remember sitting with me

in the back of the church

just holding me?

Do you remember
the promise that you made?

How I never had to be afraid,

that nobody in my life

would ever love me
as much as you did.

You said, "l promise."
You kept saying this over and over again.

You kept saying, "I promise.
I promise."

And when the minister
finally asked you

if you would take me
as your wife, you said,

"I do, I promise."

Do you remember the first
years of our marriage?

The sweetness of it? I mean,
really almost the unbearable sweetness of it--

that feeling like
we'd tricked the world,

defied the odds
and found each other.

Do you remember that, Ian?

I have to go
to the bathroom.

God.

( sighs )

Do you know if we have any Tylenol in the house?
My tooth really hurts me.

No.

What's that smell?

I'm baking you some cookies.

Some chocolate chip cookies.
They're your favorite.

( sighs )
Listen, I--

Louise,

I really have to go
to the bathroom.

You can wait.

I fed the fish.

Look at yourself.
You're pathetic.

I mean, look what you're
stooping to here.

This isn't you.
I mean, you're so above this.

You're not desperate.
You're an accomplished woman.

You have an amazing career.
You got a ton of friends.

And you're sitting here acting like
you're a big nothing without me.

- You don't need me.
- You're the only one I need.

Don't do that.

I won't become just
another single, divorced,

40-something woman,
childless,

answering online
dating ads at night

and watching reality
television, okay?

And I won't get
stuck in the past

wondering whatever happened
to my best friend

off in Paris with somebody
barely out of her teens.

She's 24, actually.

I won't get addicted to ice cream
and start feeling sorry for myself

and gain 30 lbs and get
set up with losers.

I just refuse
to be lonely.

I refuse to go
to movies by myself

and to deepen my friendships
with other women in my situation.

And I just refuse
to be without you.

- I would ratherjust--
- What?

Die? Would you
actually rather die?

Let's just say
I'd rather go to jail.

I'm not gonna die.

Nobody's gonna die.

Because everything is just--

everything is just gonna be fine.

Louise, please just let me go.

- No.
- Let me go.

Listen, why don't we
just sit down

and talk all this out?

If I'm all taped up here

you know we're not gonna
be able to work anything out.

Hmm?

No.

Louise, I have to go
to the bathroom.

It's gonna get really
messy pretty soon.

Look, I promise
I won't run away.

Just like I did
that day, I promise.

I'm not gonna run away.

So why don't you just,
you know,

untape me now

while it's still
in the funny stage

before it gets too ugly?

- Just say it again.
- What?

Just say I promise.

I promise.

I promise, Louise.
I won't run away.

I promise just like
I did that day

and from the deepest
part of myself.

Jeez.

( both laugh )

Yeah, right.

This is getting
a little crazy.

Yeah, well, it's...

I'll just go get
the scissors, okay?

Yeah.

All right.
Jeez, Ian.

So sorry.

Ah. Wow.

( laughing )

I really used a lot.

Oh, that's better.

Ian, I'm really actually
not very happy about any of this.

Yeah, I know how it is.

- There you go.
- That's it.

Ah, it's sticky stuff.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh God, that feels better.

- I almost got it.
- Got it?

Ow!

What did you do
to the phone, Louise?

Did you cut the--

I don't love you.
I don't want to be with you.

You're pathetic,
you're ugly and you make me sick.

Fucking psycho freak.

Where are your
goddamn keys, Louise?

Ah!
Ha!

( panting )

Ah!

Well, I found the Tylenol.

It's helping just a little bit.

I'm gonna have to get
to the dentist next week.

Would you like some
Tylenol for your head?

Jesus.

Is this really
happening, Louise?

I think it is.

I'm hoping
it's just a bad dream.

Me too.

- You can end it.
- So can you.

Louise, what do you
want from me, huh?

My heart just isn't
in it anymore.

I simply don't want
to be with you.

- Would you like a cookie?
- No.

They came out really good.

Cookies aren't gonna
do the trick, Lou.

Does she make you cookies?

No, she doesn't
make me cookies.

Hmm.

Where did you go?

I just want to know,
where did you go?

Did you go to her apartment?
Did you go to a hotel?

Did you come up here
without my knowing it?

Yes, yes and yes.

It was easy.
You worked so many hours.

- How did you meet her?
- What does it matter?

- I just want to know.
- I met her at my accountant's.

She's the receptionist.

She's Murray's receptionist?

Then I've met her too.

I don't even remember her.
She's unmemorable.

Yeah, well, not to a man.

She's not just a receptionist.

She's working on her doctorate.

She's gonna be a psychologist.

So how did you
first ask her out?

I mean, did you just
ask her to dinner?

- She asked me, okay?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, she called a number
of times before I said yes.

And at first it was
just about the sex?

At first it's always
just about the sex.

And then she became
your best friend?

Well, no.

- No?
- Louise, not every relationship is the same.

You always said all
you wanted in life

was to be married
to your best friend

and that you were the luckiest
man in the world

because you were married
to your best friend.

Yes, I know what I said.
But that's not the way every relationship goes.

Sometimes you don't want to be married
to your best friend because the passion gets lost.

So you had a lot
of passion with her?

Will you stop?
I'm not--

You know, yeah.
A truckload.

But no intimacy.

Oh, it's a different
kind of intimacy.

What kind of intimacy
was it then?

A passionate kind of intimacy rife
with mystery.

I don't always know
what she's thinking.

I don't always know
what she's feeling.

I'm constantly
discovering things.

But you always said
that two people

Never knew each other
better than you and l,

That we understood
each other.

- Yeah.
- And you loved that.

- I stopped loving that.
- Why?

- I don't know.
- What could be better than that?

Certain things are a lot better.

Like sex with a new person?

She needs me, lo.

Oh, I need you, Ian.

You haven't needed
me for years.

Are you kid--
you're a superwoman.

You make more money
than I do, you can fix anything,

You can bench-press
more than me.

- What do you need me for?
- Ian, I need you.

I need you so much.

You need someone.
Not me.

Not me in particular.

She needs me in particular.

All right,
I don't need you.

But I love you.
lsn't that better?

Oh, completely
not better, no.

( sighs )

Why did you ever
love me, Ian?

- I don't know.
- Oh, sure you do.

And I want you to think about that
while I go get you some cookies.

No, I'm not gonna
think about it.

Sure you are, Ian.
Would you like some milk?

I don't want any cookies!

I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.

( screams )

( groans )

( voices chatting, laughing )

( slow dance music playing )

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ They're bright
as the moon ♪

♪ That twinkles in June ♪

♪ But only for me ♪

♪ 'Cause you're heaven sent ♪

♪ You're the main event ♪

♪ My love, it's true ♪

♪ And I thank
my lucky stars... ♪

These are the exact same cookies
I've been making for you all of these years.

But these are extra special

because I put
a magic spell on them.

When you eat one, you will
deeply love me again

for the rest of your life
and beyond.

Ugh.

Just kidding.

- Just have a bite.
- No.

Just have a bite of the cookie.
Come on.

- You really need to eat.
- I don't want it, Louise.

- Come on. Come on, honey.
- Don't do that. Don't please.

Just don't--

Your mother made me
promise on her deathbed

that I would continue to make you
these cookies for the rest of your life.

She said I was the best thing
that ever happened to you;

that until you met me
you had no direction and no purpose.

I picked you up by your bootstraps
and gave you a life.

You did.

Do you think she would approve
of what's happening right now?

I don't think she'd want
to see me taped to a toilet.

I don't mean that.
I mean, do you think

she would want you to leave me
for Murray's receptionist?

What my dead mother
thinks I should do

- is no great concern to me.
- It should be.

What anyone thinks I should do
is not a big concern.

You could name any member
of my family, dead and alive,

and tell me they don't agree
with what I'm doing and I could care less.

Would you like
another cookie?

Not really.

How about some music?
Hmm?

How about some music, Ian?
Huh?

Oh! Oh, this is beautiful.

Beautiful.

Mm-hmm.

- ( music playing )
- Oh God.

Oh, that's stooping
low, Louise.

We danced to it at--

yes, at our wedding.
I remember.

Seems like a lifetime ago.

Right outside this window.

♪ But only for me ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
heaven sent... ♪

You said it was the happiest
day of your life.

A relationship ending
is like a death

that just two people
know about.

( sighs )
A whole life gets lost.

Everything we did together,

all the places we traveled,

the fights,

the small moments
of tenderness.

Don't forget all the failed
in-vitro attempts.

How could you say that to me?

How could you say
that to me?

Do you want
to hurt me even more?

No, I'm just
remembering everything,

And it wasn't all perfect.

Perfect?
Who said it was perfect?

You used to say
it was perfect.

You said it all the time.
"Aren't we perfect?"

God, it was a lot
to live up to.

It was just too much
to sustain.

I mean, it was like
it wasn't real.

It was real.

Yeah, until we stopped
trying to have a child.

And is that why?
Is that why you want to leave me?

Because I didn't
have your child?

No no. It's what happened
after, Louise.

You became human.
I saw your flaws.

You talk too loud, you know?
You talk over me.

And the sex,
it became so mechanical.

No, no it didn't.

And you were
always in denial.

God, Ian, we spent
so many weekends

in this house trying
to get pregnant.

I counted meals.

What?

When we came up here,
sometimes the meals were so strained

I would count them.

I hated them.

I started counting them to see
how many of them were left in the day.

You stopped loving me.

I never knew.

You know, I tried to pretend
it wasn't happening.

I thought if I could
pretend it wasn't happening

maybe somehow
it would go away.

And then you met Sara.

And then I met Sara.

And you succumbed to her.

I succumbed.

I don't believe you
really love that woman.

Not really.

You can believe
anything you want.

But I'm going
to Paris with her.

I guarantee you I will
be on that plane tomorrow.

I still guarantee you won't.

And I'm going to propose
that she be my wife.

- No, you're not.
- Oh, I certainly am.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

I'm telling you right
now there's no way.

Could you please leave me alone?
I need to use the bathroom.

Not that this isn't fun.

( sighs )
God.

Excuse me.

Have you ever heard of
the Stockholm syndrome?

Yes. Hostage falls in love
with their captor.

Yes.

It's gonna take something
much bigger.

An act of God really.

Now please close the door.

Close the door, please.

Close it!

Close the door!

Lake Ashimi.
That was the trip we fell in love.

- Do you remember?
- Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Your first office.

You remember I came by to put
your name on the door?

- That was nice of you.
- Yeah.

And there-- aw.

Ian:
The night I proposed to you

in front of
El Troubadour's.

- Yes.
- Mmm.

You said yes.

Yeah, without hesitation.

You were sweating.
I felt so bad for you.

Well, I was scared
you'd say no.

I said yes like
17 times in a row.

- Want some?
- No.

This just isn't fair, Lou.

Yes, it is.

It's more than fair, it's fact.

That was the day
we painted our house.

- Was it after we got married?
- No, it was just before.

Oh.

Do you remember, Ian?

- Hmm?
- Turn it off, Louise.

- I'm not finished yet.
- Yeah, but I'm finished.

It doesn't matter
what you show me.

- We're not those people anymore.
- Oh, yes, we are.

None of the slides you've shown me
are from the last 10 years.

I mean, where are those slides?
We don't have them.

Whatever we had
that was so special

just doesn't
exist anymore.

We just need
to make more slides.

No, no more slides.
No more anything.

No more life together.
ln fact, you know what? From this moment on,

I'm just gonna scream
and be as unpleasant as possible

until you let me fucking go!

- Look at this one.
- ( screaming )

- I'm trapped with a lunatic.
- Stop it. Stop yelling.

Stop yelling, Ian,
and look at the slides.

- Help!
- Stop yelling!

- I can't take it anymore!
- Ian!

Help, my wife has lost
her fucking mind!

My wife,
she's completely psychotic!

Anybody, please help!

If you can hear me,
I'm being held hostage

and I'm taped to a toilet!
Help!

( Ian continues yelling )

Please come and help me!

Hel--

You look very nice, Louise.

Thank you.

I haven't seen you
in a sexy dress

in quite a long time.

Doesn't change a thing,
of course.

What's the guitar for?

I am going to play...

( strums )

and sing you a song.

Please don't.

I'm gonna serenade you
like we did

when we first met.
And you're gonna like it.

God, no. I'm so embarrassed
for you right now.

Will you just listen, Ian?

Oh God, no no no.

♪ My love and I ♪

♪ Were washed up at sea ♪

♪ And quietly he looked at me ♪

♪ I said, "What do you need ♪

♪ My love, my love? ♪

♪ What do you,
what do you need?" ♪

( mumbles )

♪ Coconuts-- ♪

Louise, this is beyond--

it's just so not working.
Put the guitar down.

I just can't remember the words.
Shit, how does it go?

Wait.

♪ In the moonlight ♪

♪ La la la. ♪

Well, I would applaud

but you made
that impossible.

You could applaud
with your face.

Does it look like
I'm applauding with my face?

- No.
- You knocked me out cold

and you taped me
to a toilet.

Your romance is
completely lost on me.

I mean, it's more like torture.

Now it's going
to take a miracle,

nothing less.
And since we both know

the odds of something
otherworldly happening here,

why don't you
just let me go?

No.

( sighs )

Louise, just give up.

I won't.

( door closes )

( tapping )

( sighs )

( door opens )

How are you doing?

Bored and angry, want to wring
your fucking neck-- same as before.

Just checking.

Listen, I'm gonna be going
to the market in town

'cause I'm gonna make you a really fancy
romantic dinner.

Any requests?

Could you get me my cell phone?
And why don't you drop dead?

You don't mean that, baby.

Now the only way I would eat
your fancy romantic dinner

is if you'd force-feed it
down my throat.

( screams )

( car engine starts )

( yelps )

( screams )

...984, 985,

986,

987, 988,

989, 990...

991 , 992.

( engine humming )

( loud music playing )

Hey hey!

Hey! Whoa! Hello!

Up here! Help!

Hey!

( banging on window )

Help! Help!

Hey, listen to me.
I'm trapped up here. Help me.

Help me!

( banging )
Help!

( banging )

Help!

Hey, help!

Help.

Help help help help.

Help.

Hello.

Are you there?

Help!

♪ It's not my fault I look better
in her party dress ♪

♪ It's not my fault that
you left your slutty girlfriend ♪

♪ It's not my fault,
this is how my mama made me ♪

♪ I've been magnetic
since I was a baby... ♪

Help!

♪ It's not my fault I look cuter
in his boxing gloves ♪

♪ It's not my fault that she left you
for my shiny tongue... ♪

Help!

Yo, please shut the fuck up.
I'm trying to rob you.

What?

I said shut up or I'll bash your stupid
fucking head in.

( laughs )
Talk about an easy target.

You come into a house
and the owner's already tied up for you.

It's a beautiful beautiful thing,

Proof of a higher power,
if you ask me.

You're never gonna
get away with this.

I told you
to shut up, man.

( groans )

Thank you.

♪ I've been magnetic
since I was a baby ♪

♪ In my fist
there's a song ♪

♪ Do you wanna
sing along? ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ In my fist
there's a song ♪

♪ Do you wanna
sing along? ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. ♪

( knocks )
Hey.

Um, excuse me, sir,

do you happen to have
any cash on you?

No, I don't.

You don't have any cash?

No, I have no cash.

( screams )
God.

Are you sure you don't
have any cash?

God.

- It's--
- Huh?

My wallet in my pants.

Wallet's in your pants?
( laughing )

- Yeah.
- That's great.

Look at you, man.

You're taped
to a fucking toilet.

Not that I care really,
but who did this to you?

My wife.

( laughing )

You pussy.
That's perfect.

Holy shit, your fucking wife
taped you to a goddamn toilet.

What a day
you're having, huh?

You must feel
pretty humiliated.

Yep.

See, here's the difference
between you and me, man--

whenever I get the urge
to get married

I grab my balls

and I squeeze them

until I can't feel my legs

and then it just passes.

( laughing )

What did you do to her?

- Excuse me?
- To your wife to make her tape you to a toilet.

You must have done
something to her.

That's none
of your business.

I'm so interested
in human nature,

like what makes people do
the things that they do.

My girlfriend thinks
I could be a philosopher.

I got this theory about love.

- You wanna hear it?
- No.

I think that love
is an experiment

by a higher power.

Call it God
or whatever you want,

but I think that it's still being worked out,
you know, the kinks.

It's not complete.
It's like a test.

Brilliant.

Listen to me.
If love is a test,

then you're failing, okay?

And in the grand scheme of things
that makes you a failure.

No, that does not
make me a failure.

Okay, you promised this woman
that you'd love her

for the rest
of your life, right?

And clearly-- clearly,
you're failing at that.

You failed her.
Yeah, man, you're a failure.

Who are you to judge me?
You're a criminal.

Fuck you, man.
I'm an honest person.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I never-- I never pretend
to be anything I'm not.

And I would never promise
anyone the moon

and then mean only "until I get tired
of giving you the moon"--

- Never, all right?
- Mm-hmm.

So you think about that while I'm loading
your belongings into my van.

Mm-hmm.

You pussy loser.

( car approaching )

- Who the fuck is that?
- Louise.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.

Hello, my love.

I'm home.

( Louise screaming,
man shouting )

Lou! Lou!

- ( glass shatters )
- Louise: No no no!

No! Please please.

God, don't hurt her.

Louise.
Louise.

Don't hurt her!

Louise.

Louise. Oh my God,
is she dead?

She definitely looks dead.

What did you do to her?

What'd do you do
to her?

I just made her
really really quiet.

It was fun too.
You want me to do it to you?

You know what we need?

I wish we had a matching
toilet to tape her to.

That'd be pretty funny.

Shit, nice tits.

Mind if I squeeze them
a little bit?

Don't you touch her.

Or what? What, you're gonna
urinate on yourself?

I'll kill you,
I swear to God.

Just look that way for a second.
Just look that way.

- Oh, shit.
- Stop it!

God, I would never
get sick of these.

( grunting )

When was the last time
you touched these tits?

Fuck, she's perfect, man.

You lucky bastard.

Oh, God, what I would
do to you.

Shit.
You lucky fuck.

( exhales )
Oh my God.

Oh, God.

( rattling )

I don't think he'll kill us,
'cause we can't see his face.

I don't care about anything
we own in this house.

I mean...

it sounds like
he's just taking

everything that's not
strapped down.

I hope he doesn't--
I hope he doesn't take

that silverware set
your mother left us--

that antique set.

I wish we had left that
in the city.

You know,

there is that
expensive painting

that we invested in.

What was
the artist's name?

Kamasuki?
Kamayudo?

Yeah.

I hate that painting.

I don't care
if it's worth 20 grand.

I mean, it looks like it was made
by a third grader really.

What did you say?
You said it reminded you of the rain.

The only reason I bought it
was to make you happy

and to remind you
of the rain.

Oh my God,
look at us, Louise.

This is-- it's ridiculous.

I mean, for all I know,
this is how it's gonna end for us--

right here in this bathroom
with the wallpaper I hate.

Why the hell did we not ever take
this wallpaper down?

I do remember that day

in the coat room
of the church

when I was holding you
and I was just rocking you.

I was just rocking you
back and forth.

And you got dust
all over your wedding gown.

You looked so beautiful.

I was terrified.

It's not your fault, Louise.

It's not your fault

that we couldn't
have children.

And I started
hating my life,

hating my boss,
hating the advertising industry,

hating our apartment,
hating this house,

everything that we bought
that we thought we wanted,

just hating everything.
I just started feeling

like a big
miserable bastard

because we, you know--

some people have nothing
and there we were.

We could buy stupid
expensive paintings.

Some people have nothing.

Say something, Louise.

Tell me about
your crazy job.

Tell me about your
hectic schedule.

Complain for me, Louise.

Just say something, please.

Come on, Louise.

Don't leave me alone
here in this bathroom

wondering if
I'm gonna die.

Don't leave me alone, Louise.
Come on, just say something.

Please, come on.
I'll listen. I'll listen.

( men's voices )

What the fuck?

Is he having a party here now?

( laughing )
You can't do that.

( both laughing )

Oh, shit.
Fucking loser.

Fucking loser.

( exhales )

I know what I am, Louise.

I'm a nothing.

I don't stand
for anything anymore.

I am just a loser

taped to a toilet.

And it would be
poetic justice

ff this is where I died.

You didn't marry
this man, Louise.

Why do you think
I wanted to go to Paris?

I had this romantic idea
of myself, you know--

That I could maybe be
a hero to somebody again,

Just maybe.

But look at me.
I'm a joke.

You didn't marry a joke.

You married somebody
who had dreams, you know,

who promised you the world.

And look what
you ended up with--

someone who lied to you,

who deceived you,

who couldn't protect you
in the end--

a loser on a toilet.

I'm sorry, Louise.

I'm--

I'm so so sorry.

Three, two...

( laughing )

That was so loud.

Come here.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Jesus Christ.

Oops, sorry about the rug.

Sorry about your rug.

Shh.

( laughing )

How did you do that?

How did you
do that?

( muffled rock music
playing )

( exhales )

( groans )
Hello?

Hello?
Is anybody there?

Ian?

Ian, where--?
Oh my God, where are you?

Louise Louise Louise.

( exhales )

Ian.

( coughing )

Louise, we're in the bathroom.
We're being robbed.

- Oh.
- Are you okay?

I can't move my arms
or my legs.

You're taped, Lou.
Can you stand?

I don't know.
I'm just gonna--

I'm just gonna try.

See if you could go over
to the light switch.

And maybe you could
rub against it

and maybe you could
turn it on or something.

Oh, God, my head just hurts
and my tooth is throbbing.

I'm just a mess.

I know, I know, I know.

I just want to see your face.

There you are.

I'm so sorry, Ian.

Shh, no, it's okay.

It's not your fault.

Lou, why don't you
just try the door?

- What?
- Try the doorknob.

Maybe you can escape
through the back.

I can't get a grip.

Shit.

Oh, God.

Well...

Did he touch you?

No, he just--

I came home
and he-- I just was--

everything was gone.
All our stuff was

all over the floor
in garbage bags.

And then he jumped me

and then he smashed
my head into the ground.

And I just don't remember
anything after that.

I'll kill him.

Ian, I'm so ashamed.

I'm so ashamed
for what I did to you.

No no no.

I'm ashamed.

I'm ashamed of what
I did to you.

Do you think
he'll kill us?

I don't know.
Come sit next to me.

I want you to sit
next to me.

Why?

I just want you to be
next to me, Lou.

Maybe we'll only have
an hour left together,

maybe 15 minutes,

but let's talk this through.

Let's work our marriage out

Even if it's only
for 15 minutes.

Are you just saying that
because you're taped to a toilet?

I've had a lot of time
to think about this,

and I don't want
to fail you.

I'm pretty sure
I still love you.

Sure I want to kill you
sometimes.

Like all day today.

Well, yeah, you know,
'cause you just make me crazy.

You just talk talk talk
talk talk talk over me.

And you're so opinionated,

you know, sometimes
it just makes me numb.

I won't do that anymore.
I won't talk over you

and I won't have
opinions, I promise.

You can have opinions.

You should quit
your stupid job.

You'd be so much happier
if you just quit your stupid job.

You hate working
at that company.

You're right.

I should quit.
I should quit

And I should take
the money that I've saved

and I should open up
my own company.

My clients--
they'd follow me.

Yeah, that's a beautiful idea.

Yeah!
You know what else?

We should keep trying
to have a child,

or we could even adopt.

Do you mean that?

Yes.

Not just because
you're taped to a toilet?

I mean it.

And I need to start
romancing you a little more...

- Yeah.
- ...just like I did when we first were married.

I miss those days, Lou.

Every day you'd look
all sexy for me.

You called me ugly.

You're not ugly.

You are a beautiful woman.

You were gonna leave me
for a child.

I'm not leaving you.

You had an affair.

People have affairs.

And they end.

I'm gonna make it up
to you, Lou,

I promise.

Oh.

Ugh.

The light just blew.

Better to see you
in the moonlight.

( sighs )

( birds chirping )

( car approaching )

( snoring )

( doorbell rings )

Ian!

( ringing doorbell )

Ian, open the door.

Ian, I'm serious.

Who are you?

Oh, shit.

Oh, I guess they made up.

Ian, Ian, what is going on?

Be quiet, lady, please.

Whoa, hey, please,
come on, don't hurt her.

"Oh, please don't
hurt her."

Why? What are you
gonna do about it,

Huh, toilet man?
( laughs )

I hope nobody else shows up.
We're running out of tape.

We only have one roll.

Haven't you gotten
everything you've wanted?

Why don't you just
leave already?

Look at the sexy,
kinky bondage couple.

You guys are
into some weird shit.

( laughing )

Please just let us go.

Let me think about that.

Nope, I don't think so.

- Hey. Ow!
- Hey, don't you--

Shut up.

Hey!

You know, I actually
prefer the older one.

The younger one reminds me
of my whiny bitch girlfriend.

What's your name,
beautiful, huh?

Come on, why are you being like this?
What's your name?

- Louise.
- Louise.

Stop. Stop it.

Do you know
I find you beautiful?

I do, I do--

Every pore, every line,
every curve.

You deserve better than that ape.
Do you know that?

I'd know what to do with you.
God, I want you so bad.

Hey, leave her alone!

- No no no!
- No!

( both women screaming )

- No no!
- No no!

No no, please.
I'll do whatever you want.

( laughing )
Oh, no.

Woman: Babycakes,
you're taking too long.

Whiny bitch.

Coming, sweetness.

( women scream )

- ( glass shatters )
- ( people laughing )

( objects shattering )

Sara...

( screaming )

- Oh my God.
- Calm down. Calm down, calm down.

He's gonna kills us.
We're gonna die.

And we're gonna spend
our last moments on earth

with your stupid ex-wife.

Um, we're still married.

We're not gonna die.
Please calm down.

Oh my God.

( rock music playing )

Why was she sitting
on your lap?

Oh, when you didn't
show up at the airport

I was so angry!

I drove straight here.

Okay, Sara, Sara,
you're gonna have to--

Sara! Sara,
try to calm yourself.

We're just being
robbed here.

Oh, God, they taped you
to the toilet.

No, I did that.

What?

It's a long story.
It doesn't matter.

Ian, are you reconciling
with your wife?

Yes, he is.

I didn't ask you.
I asked him.

Um...

Oh, Ian, just tell her.
Just tell her.

Get it over with.

Sara,

I'm really very sorry
about everything.

No, you don't love her, Ian.
You love me.

I'm your little Russian bobo.

She's your little
Russian bobo?

They are going to kill us.

We have to remain calm!

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking
to my boyfriend.

I don't care
what you think.

I care what he thinks.
Oh, have you seen this?

Check this out.

I don't know, that must
have cost him $10,000.

- Sara--
- You spent $10,000 on a bracelet for her?

It was about $3,000.

Yeah, he did,
because he's in love with me.

You!

Okay, please.

Please, this isn't helping.

Please, we are in a dangerous
situation here.

Please.

Now listen.

Sara, he didn't use
that much tape on you.

Why don't you see
if you can free your hands?

I'm not moving, Ian,
until you tell your wife

That you are
leaving her forever.

Can we please just
work all that out later?

We are in danger.

Okay, fine,
so just tell her, Ian,

and I'll do
whatever you say.

Fine, if that's all it takes.

Louise, I'm leaving you
for Sara.

Fine.

And he's not just
saying that to shut me up.

He's saying it
because it's true.

And believe me,
however this works out,

we will be in Paris
together next week

and you'll be crying
to your girlfriends.

- ( grunts )
- Stop!

Please try
freeing yourself.

I can't.

Try harder.

You know what?
I said I can't.

Louise, would you please
just go help her?

I don't want
to touch her.

- Louise!
- Fine.

Oh, God, it's just
not working, Ian.

Oh, I hate you, Ian.
I wish I'd never met you.

Shh.

Shh.
Shh shh shh.

Did you hear that?

( engine starts )

I think they're leaving.

Whoo!

He's riding away
on a lawnmower.

Sara, Sara, did you see
any kind of vehicle,

like from a lawn company
or anything?

Well, I was pretty angry and upset
when I got here, Ian, so I--

I think--
yeah, maybe I saw a van

and a car or two.
I don't remember.

A van?

Yes, I saw a van--
an unmarked van.

Doesn't our lawn company
have a company van?

I-- I'm trying to remember.
I don't know.

I mean, yes, they do.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm sure they do.

So who are these guys?

I don't know.
I didn't think we had anyone

working on our lawn
until next month.

Some strange guy shows up
and starts mowing our lawn.

Maybe that's how
he operates, you know.

Maybe he just stakes out
empty houses

during the week
and robs them.

And maybe he just didn't
count on finding us here.

Well, let's listen
and see if they're gone.

I don't hear anything.

No.

And they didn't kill us.

They just left.

( both laughing )

They just left.

Look, I need to know
right now

whether or not
you're going back

to your ugly fucking wife.

Look, honey, this is not
the time to do anything

but figure out
how to get free.

We've been tied up all night.

( Ian sighs )

May I have a moment
alone with Ian, please?

Where do you
expect me to go, hon?

Oh, I don't care.
Why don't you get in the shower

and hum yourself
a little tune

so I can have
a moment alone with him?

Please.

Fine.

( humming a tune )

I love you, you fool.

Okay, I understand that.

"Okay, I understand that"?

That is what you're gonna
say to me right now?

My wife's humming
in the shower.

What do you
expect me to say?

Oh, Ian, I could have
dated anyone--

anyone--

Fernando, the hot guy
from the gym;

Dr. Cohen,
my dermatologist;

Fred the bank guy--
anybody.

But I chose you.

I know, I know.

You make me feel
smart and sexy

And strong and beautiful.
I wanted to go to Paris with you

and I want to spend
my life with you.

And I don't think that just because
we're experiencing

this little blip

that anything
should change.

( continues humming )

Yeah, you know,

I had a lot of
sorting out to do, Sara,

I'm sorry.

It's not so simple
anymore, okay?

You're forgetting.
How could you forget?

I'm not forgetting.

Please don't forget.

Okay, it's been
more than a minute.

Okay. Are you
feeling any calmer?

No! This is
an absolute nightmare.

I should have just gotten
on the plane to Paris

- and gone alone.
- Yes, you should have.

Louise, Louise.

Shut up.

All right, all right.

Listen, if Ian
truly loves you,

he will come
to see that.

And if he does,
I will be graceful about it

and I will let him go.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay, we've just gotta figure out
how the fuck to get out of here.

My cell phone is
in my back pocket.

If one of you guys
can reach it,

maybe you can dial 911 .

Man: And you say you never
saw their faces?

No, never.

And what was the name of
the lawn service that you normally use?

Mountain View Lawns.
I don't think it's those guys.

There was a van
in the driveway,

but it was unmarked.

Can you describe it to me?

It was tan

and it had a lot of

dirt and dust on it.

That's all I remember.

How many passenger seats?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't count

because I didn't know
the house was being robbed.

Have you had
any contact in town

with anyone who asked you
questions about your house

or your schedule
or anything like that?

- No.
- No, not really, no.

We really haven't had any contact
with anyone in town,

not for the 13 years
we've been up here, no.

Yeah, we've pretty much
kept to ourselves.

I've only been
to the town once.

Now who are you?
Now what's the relationship?

I'm his girlfriend.

- His mistress.
- Mm-hmm.

We were supposed to go
to Paris this morning

where he may or may not
have been planning

to ask me
to marry him.

Okay.

Has this kind of thing
ever happened before, Officer?

I'm sure lots of people have had
affairs with much younger women.

No, I mean a guy on a mower
robbing people

who have vacation homes
up here.

We had a string of robberies
a few years ago,

but we caught the guy.
I've never really seen

a robbery like this before.

Can you two come down to the station
later today and file a formal report

- of everything that's been taken?
- Yes, of course.

You really think you're gonna catch
these guys?

It's hard to say.

You're not really giving us
much to go on.

There's a chance someone might
blab about it to a friend.

We'll catch him that way.
Who knows?

Here's something
they overlooked.

- Wow.
- Your family's silverware.

I can't believe
they didn't see that.

God, that is so lucky.

What a blessing.

Here's our station's address.
Come down at noon.

Yeah, we'll be there.

Sorry this happened
to you folks.

Oh, thanks thanks.

We recommend locking
your doors securely.

Oh, yes, we will.
We will.

Okay, bye now.

I can't believe
they took everything.

( crying )
They just took everything.

Oh, Lou, I know, I know.

It's okay.
We're alive.

That's the important
thing, you know?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We're okay.
We're alive.

- And everything's gonna be okay.
- ( crying )

It's okay.

They could have killed us.

We're just plain lucky
they didn't, Ian.

I know.
It's all gonna be okay.

It's all
gonna be okay.

Goodbye.

( Louise singing )
♪ My love and I were washed up at sea ♪

♪ And quietly
he looked at me ♪

♪ And said,
"What do you need ♪

♪ My love, my love? ♪

♪ What do you need?" ♪

♪ "Bring me 78 coconuts,"
said he ♪

♪ "Bring me starry fish
from the sea ♪

♪ But most of all" ♪

♪ Said my love ♪

♪ "My love,
I need to be brave." ♪

( baby cooing )

Okay, Ruby.

Shh, she's about
to go to sleep.

I'll applaud with my
face then, okay?

( laughing )

What time are
the movers coming?

They said they'd be here
around 3:00.

I can't believe how easy it was
to sell this place.

Yeah.

I'll be so happy
once we're out of this crazy house.

You're already happy.

Okay, what was that for?

'Cause I love you.

Hey, are you hungry?

Do you want to go into town
for one last lunch?

Are you asking me out
on a date?

I am.

I'm asking you and ruby
out on a family date.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Hey.

( instrumental music playing )

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ They're bright
as the moon ♪

♪ That twinkles
in June ♪

♪ But only for me ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
heaven-sent ♪

♪ You're the main event,
my love ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ And I thank
my lucky stars ♪

♪ For every day
with you. ♪